The disclaimer saying that I don't own any Archer characters is hanging out with some vegetables. This is insanity and silliness. I don't carrot what other people think…
The Carrot Caper
"Cyril, why are we doing this again?" Lana sighed as she looked around the sparsely populated room. They were standing in one of the smaller convention rooms of a non-famous hotel in LA. There were some booths with the usual signs and samples typical of a small convention.
"Besides the fact that we're getting paid?" Cyril gave her a look. He and Ray were with her in the corner of the room. "We're here to provide security."
"From what?" Ray asked. "Dust bunnies? Because that's the only threat I can find in this room."
"Mostly because they outnumber the people in attendance," Lana groaned.
"No surprise," Ray nodded. "Who the hell in the world would even go to an heirloom carrot seed convention? Much less call in a bomb threat to one?"
"Some kid who really doesn't want to eat his vegetables?" Lana quipped.
Ray added. "The Easter Bunny waging a holy war?"
"A rogue beet that's bitter about not being in the latest Veggie Tales cartoon?" Lana added.
"You mean a steamed veggie?" Ray smirked.
"Okay…" Cyril sighed. "I know this isn't exactly the type of security job you're used to. But for five thousand dollars for five hours it's worth it."
"Frankly Cyril," Ray remarked. "I don't carrot at all."
Lana added. "I'm totally rooting for this day to be over."
"You know?" Cyril glared at them.
"What's up, Chuck?" Pam asked as she walked over to them.
"Have you seen anything, Pam?" Cyril asked with a sigh. "Any sign of trouble?"
"Nope. But don't worry Cyril," Pam remarked. "I'm sure the bad guys will turnip."
Cyril groaned. "You guys are just going to make bad vegetable jokes all day, aren't you?"
"I carrot tell a lie," Ray grinned. "Yes."
"If there are bad guys," Lana spoke up. "We could use Carrot-ae."
"Did you hear about the Carrot Detective?" Pam asked. "He got to the root of every case."
"Speaking of vegetables," Lana realized. "What about Cheryl and Krieger?"
"I'm having Krieger watch over Cheryl back at the office," Cyril said. "He volunteered. Which means he's got some weird god-awful experiment planned."
"Still better than burned veggies," Pam remarked.
"Look!" Cyril was trying not to lose his temper. "Heirloom vegetables and gardening are huge now! This isn't that weird! Lot of people grow vegetables."
"I know sailors eat a lot of carrots," Ray spoke up. "It helps them sea better!"
"Well they do contain Vitamin See," Lana added.
"Pam!" Cyril groaned. "You were on a farm. You tell them!"
"A dairy farm!" Pam told him. "Our products were milk, cheese, yogurt and the occasional side of beef! Do I look like my family only ate vegetables?"
"But you did grow them, right?" Ray was curious.
"Well we did grow some vegetables but we had to stop," Pam said.
"Why?" Cyril asked.
Pam grinned. "They got too embarrassed when they saw the salad dressing."
Cyril hung his head down. "Et tu, Poovey?"
"How do you make gold soup?" Ray spoke up.
"Easy," Lana quipped. "You put in fourteen carrots!"
"You know what you call an elephant with carrots in his ears?" Pam asked. "Anything you want as long as he can't hear you!"
"It doesn't matter," Ray waved. "Everybody knows an elephant's favorite vegetable is the squash."
"You know why snowmen don't eat carrot soup?" Pam grinned.
"We know Pam!" Cyril snapped. "Because they taste like boogers! Grow up!"
"What tastes like boogers?" A thin wiry balding man wearing a blue shirt and jacket with some nice jeans walked up to them.
"Uh Mr. Pivot," Cyril gulped at his client.
"Oh dear," Mr. Pivot realized. "Don't tell me Mrs. Maizecourt hasn't brought in her carrot and bean dip again, has she?"
"If you're talking about that blue and white bowl over on Table Five that smells like a step up from manure," Ray pointed. "Then yes."
"I told her to stop doing that," Mr. Pivot groaned. "The last time she did, well…Not to be indelicate but you could have sworn someone had made tear gas the way it smelled."
"That's usually how these things go," Lana said. "Mr. Pivot what exactly is the purpose of this convention?"
"Oh, it's just a little get together of the I Carrot A Lot Club," Mr. Pivot explained. "Cute name isn't it?"
"Adorable," Cyril sighed.
"Once or twice a year, members from all over the world arrive and trade rare carrot seeds," Mr. Pivot said. "Last year I got some ripping organic rainbow blends!"
"Rainbow blends?" Pam asked. "Are you talking about gay carrots?"
"Well they do come in different colors," Mr. Pivot said. "Red, pink, purple, yellow…Oh my. I think I just figured out why that gay and lesbian gardening club keeps contacting us."
"You only sell rare carrot seeds?" Lana asked.
"Oh no, we don't sell them at all," Mr. Pivot said. "This is a free trade only. Members trade carrot seeds for carrot seeds. We give gardening tips."
"And this is just all for carrots?" Pam asked. "Heirloom tomatoes and potatoes I've heard of…"
"Those two are the glory hogs of the vegetable world," Mr. Pivot sighed. "Tomatoes aren't even technically a vegetable."
"I know," Ray said. "They're actually a fruit."
"You would know," Pam quipped. Ray gave her a look.
"Actually, tomatoes are both," Cyril corrected. "They are a fruit but they're classified as a vegetable."
"So, they go both ways?" Pam asked.
"Just like Pam," Ray smirked.
"Pam one, Ray one," Lana quipped. "It's a tie ball game."
"We do grow other vegetables but carrots are our favorite," Mr. Pivot grinned. "There are so many fascinating facts about them. You should be here during our December get together. We have such rousing games of Carrot Pursuit."
"Which is…?" Cyril asked.
"Trivia Pursuit but with carrots," Mr. Pivot said. "Well occasionally we'll throw in some other vegetable questions. But it's mainly carrots. For example, did you know carrots are over 87 percent water? And it has the most sugar too!"
"So, you're saying if I dunk it in cotton candy it's overkill?" Pam asked. "Who's your mascot, Bugs Bunny?"
"We tried," Mr. Pivot told her. "But there was a licensing problem. We went with our own mascot, Carrie Carrot."
"I wondered what that was on the walls," Lana looked the posters of a female carrot wearing jewelry.
"We have even gotten some lovely awards for our work," Mr. Pivot grinned.
"Because you're out standing in your field?" Ray asked.
It was all Cyril could do not to groan. "Can you think of anyone, and I mean anyone who would want to cause problems for your organization?"
"Other than someone who really doesn't have a life," Pam quipped.
"Well I don't want to tell tales out of school," Mr. Pivot frowned.
"Anything you can think of might be able to help us," Lana said helpfully.
"We do have a bit of a rivalry with the Beet Lover's Association," Mr. Pivot admitted. "They just can't get over the fact that people would rather eat carrots than beets. But I don't think even they would condone any violence."
"Technically a bomb threat isn't violence," Pam pointed out. "It's the threat of violence."
Mr. Pivot thought. "There was also some unpleasantness with some former members. But they died years ago. It can't be them. Other than that, I don't know who or why someone called in a bomb threat."
"We should ask the Corn People," Ray remarked. "I hear they're all ears."
Mr. Pivot frowned. "Now that I think about it, there was one chap that was a bit of an oddball. He applied to join our group but was turned down. We thought it was best that he wasn't let in."
"You thought someone was too odd to be part of a carrot seed group?" Lana did a double take.
"I know it sounds a bit exclusive," Mr. Pivot was not an expert in sarcasm. "But you have to watch out for weirdoes. Otherwise you'd get a reputation. Like those beet people. Let me tell you there are some real oddballs in that group!"
"Lettuce pray that never happens," Ray said smoothly.
"Thank you, Mr. Pivot…" Cyril sighed. "We'll keep an eye out for anything unusual."
Then two people walked by in carrot costumes. "Or more unusual than that…" Cyril blinked.
"Oh good!" Mr. Pivot smiled. "I feel better already. If you'll excuse me I have to go get ready to judge the carrot cake competition! It's going to be a hoot and a half."
"Sounds exciting," Lana drawled.
"Hopefully not compared to last year," Mr. Pivot said. "One of the contestants was found out to use store bought frosting! You can't imagine the uproar it caused!"
"Hope you didn't need the riot squad," Pam asked.
"I almost did call!" Mr. Pivot told her. "The way Mrs. Holtspritzer went on and on about the Constitution! She even threw her cake at one of her rivals."
"Scandalous!" Ray said mockingly.
"Well it didn't hit her," Mr. Pivot admitted. "And to be fair Mrs. Fliffle should not have said those derogatory comments about her begonias. That was going a little too far."
"She was asking for it," Pam nodded.
"Is there any chance they might have something to do with the bomb threat?" Lana sighed.
"Oh no," Mr. Pivot said. "Mrs. Fliffle died last month. And Mrs. Holtspritzer calmed down after she started taking some pills she got from her therapist. They evened her right out. Look, she's right over there at her booth."
"Looks like she's passed out at her booth," Lana blinked.
"That is a side effect yes," Mr. Pivot admitted. "On the flip side, she's never looked more rested."
"Well Mr. Pivot we will keep an eye out for any trouble," Cyril told him.
"Oh goody," Mr. Pivot nodded. "I'd better go judge the competition. I do hope Mrs. Holtsprizer wakes up before I announce the winner." He left the group.
"Okay I'm gonna say it," Pam pointed. "Do you think Sleeping Ugly over there had anything to do with the bomb threat?"
Cyril sighed. "Unless Mrs. Holtspritzer makes bomb threats in her sleep, I doubt it. Did anyone see anything suspicious? Other than the whole weird carrot obsession thing?"
"I set up some small security cameras around the room to record anything suspicious and send the footage to my phone," Ray said as he looked at his phone. "So far I've found some things that are amusing and weird. But not dangerous."
"I looked under every table and every corner before they opened," Lana told him. "The only things I found were some dust bunnies and a quarter."
"Oh! Lucky!" Pam beamed. "I knew I should have taken that job instead of scouting the perimeter."
"Is it me," Ray remarked as he looked around. "Or do some of these people not look like the agricultural type?"
"Besides the ones dressed up like food?" Lana asked. Then she saw what Ray was talking about. "Oh, you mean them…?"
There were two women and a man dressed in very expensive fashionable clothing walking into the room. "Huh, looks kind of fancy for a veggie party," Pam remarked.
"A little too fancy," Ray thought aloud.
"You don't know that," Cyril challenged. "I mean there are people walking around here dressed like carrots. Maybe cosplay is their thing?"
"Who dresses up like the Real Housewives of Carrot Town?" Pam asked. "Especially at some event where nice jeans are considered the norm? Something smells here. And it's not the carrot and bean dip."
"I can't understand you, Laura!" A woman's voice was very loud. "Why do you even set up a booth at these things?"
"Get out of my face, Paula!" Another woman hissed. "I can give seeds to whomever I want and I'm not giving them to you!"
"You'd better give me some seeds or else!" Paula shouted back.
"Looks like there's some kind of commotion going on," Cyril remarked. "Better let security handle it."
"We are security," Lana gave him a look.
"Oh right," Cyril blinked.
"Lana's right," Pam said. "I think we should investigate this." They moved towards the booth.
At the booth was a small crowd surrounding two women. The woman at the booth had blond hair done up and was nicely dressed in a gold dress you would find watching the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. The other woman had messy long red hair, was wearing jeans, sneakers and a T-shirt that said I Carrot For You inside a heart.
"You always do this Laura," Paula, the red-haired woman snapped. "You barely show up to our meetings. And when you do, you don't mingle with us at all! Like you think you're too good for us or something!"
"Only some people," Laura glared at Paula.
The well-dressed people walked up. "I believe you have some seeds for us."
"Right here," Laura beamed and handed them several packets.
"Why do they get your seeds?" Paula snapped. "What's so special about them?"
"They're my special friends and they get my seeds!" Laura snapped.
Cyril blinked. "Does this count as phrasing?"
"Not everything is phrasing, Cyril!" Lana groaned.
"Get your mind out of the gutter," Ray added.
"I want some of those!" Paula snapped as she reached for a packet. "I want to see what's so great about these seeds!"
"No! You can't have them!" One of the women snapped.
"This has nothing to do with you Paula!" Laura snapped.
One of the packets slipped and fell. "I'll take one!" Pam grabbed the packet.
"No! Give that back!" Laura shouted.
"That's ours!" The well-dressed man said. "Special order seeds! Give it!"
"Huh," Pam felt the packet. "I actually grew up on a farm. I've handled seed packets but not as bulky as these!"
"These are special kinds of carrots," Laura said quickly.
"Let's see how special," Pam ripped up one of the packets and poured out some gems. "Holy sparkle snacks! The only things these things will grow is someone's bank account!"
"Oh crap," Laura groaned.
"Told you something like this would happen eventually!" One of the women glared at Laura. "Even these idiots would figure it out!"
"Shut up, Betty," Laura glared at her.
"What's going on here?" Mr. Pivot had made himself known. "Those seeds are rather odd."
"That's because they're not seeds!" Pam told him.
"She's giving away diamonds!" Lana snapped.
"No wonder she's always hogging the seeds," Paula blinked.
"And something tells me these aren't the type that are brought into the country through legal means," Lana frowned.
"Why would anyone smuggle diamonds at a…?" Ray began. "Oh wait. Carrots. Karats. I just got it."
"Is that why you always take vacations in different parts of Africa?" Mr. Pivot asked Laura.
"SHUT UP YOU IDIOTS!" Laura screamed. "Give me those!"
She lunged at Pam who punched her out. "I've been wanting to do that for years," Paula chuckled.
"Okay that's it!" The man took out a gun and the other two women did so as well. "We're doing this the hard way!"
"HE'S GOT A GUN!" Someone screamed.
"They all have guns!" Another person shouted.
"Oh, hell no!" Lana groaned as she took out her weapon.
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
Before anyone knew it there were shots ringing out. People were fleeing the scene. The Figgis Agency took cover behind some tables and were firing back. Other people were taking cover with them.
"God, I hate it when this happens!" Cyril groaned as he took out his gun.
"Who gave you a gun?" Pam did a double take.
"I told you not to let that bitch in, Pivot!" Paula shouted.
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!" Mr. Pivot screamed as he cringed in a fetal position on the floor by Pam.
"Kind of puts the whole Holtspritzer/Fliffle feud in perspective doesn't it?" Pam asked. "Hang on…" She saw something. "Ray! I need a cyborg arm special!"
"Okay!" Ray made his way towards her. "What do I throw?"
"This!" Pam grabbed a blue and white bowl and a ladle. "Use the ladle! Pretend it's a lacrosse stick!"
"Ugh you had to say that," Ray groaned as he took the bowl.
"I know," Pam nodded. "Archer would be so on this!"
BANG! BANG! BANG!
Mrs. Holtspritzer was still asleep through the gunfire.
BANG! BANG! BANG!
Didn't even twitch.
"Here's dip in your eye!" Ray used the ladle to throw scoops of dip at the criminals.
Which landed right on their faces. "AAHHH! MY EYES!" One woman screamed.
"IT BURNS!" The man shouted.
"Guess this is the one time carrots aren't good for your eyes!" Lana said as she managed to subdue Betty when she was distracted.
"SUPRESSING FIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRRRE!" Cyril screamed as he shot out a spray of gunfire.
The bullets hit the legs of the man. "OW! OW! OW! OKAY! WE SURRENDER! WE SURRENDER!"
"PLEASE!" The other woman shouted.
"Somebody call the police!" Lana shouted as she managed to tie up Betty's hands with her belt.
"Oh right," Paula realized. "We probably should have done that."
"Oh God!" Mr. Pivot got to his feet. "I don't believe it…I can't believe this!"
"I know. We were almost veggie slaw," Ray quipped.
"Ohhhhh…" Mr. Pivot fainted.
Ray blinked at the others. "Too soon?"
The following day back at the Figgis Agency…
"As it turned out," Pam explained to Krieger and Cheryl in the bullpen. "There was this group of diamond smugglers who have been using that particular convention for years to smuggle diamonds into the country."
"Seriously?" Krieger was stunned.
"I know," Lana said as she sipped some coffee. "I couldn't believe it either. But that's what happened."
"That guy from the FBI told me that they've been trying to figure out how this smuggling ring has been operating for years," Pam said. "They've already made several more arrests due to some of those dudes singing like a has been superstar desperate to make a comeback."
"Mr. Pivot was definitely shocked," Ray said as he walked in with Cyril. "Fainted right on the floor."
"Keep in mind the man was in a gun battle," Lana said.
"Still…" Ray shrugged.
"Paula said she's going to bring up my idea of keeping carrot seeds in transparent bags in the future at the next meeting," Pam spoke up. "So that this won't happen again. When Mr. Pivot recovers from his mental breakdown."
"Yesterday was a very good day," Cyril grinned. "Not only did we get paid the five thousand dollars we were promised, our agency got a twenty-five-thousand-dollar reward. And our reputation is actually improving. I'd call that a successful mission."
"More importantly," Ray added. "None of us are dead or wounded. That's a very successful mission."
"True dat," Pam nodded. She looked at Cheryl and Krieger. "So what did you two do yesterday?"
"Well the building is still standing," Ray remarked. "And Cheryl isn't unconscious or dead. Do we really want to know what they did yesterday?"
"Nope," Lana said.
"I'm good," Cyril said at the same time.
"You're right," Pam nodded. "Don't really want to know about any weird sex experiments with robots."
"That might be for the best," Krieger admitted.
"Here's the one thing I don't get," Lana remarked.
"One thing?" Pam asked.
Lana ignored her. "The diamond smugglers obviously weren't the ones who called in the bomb threat. Why draw attention to their business?"
"And Mr. Pivot doesn't seem like the type to call in a threat for no reason," Ray added. "Or to even think of something like that. Or think much at all."
"So, who did call in a bomb threat?" Lana asked.
"Maybe it was just a crank?" Cyril shrugged. "Calling in a bomb threat for kicks and us finding the drug smuggling ring was just a lucky break?"
Cheryl spoke up. "Yeah that's pretty much what happened."
"WHAT?" Lana shouted.
"I should have known!" Pam groaned. "I should have freaking known!"
"You actually called in a bomb threat to a carrot seed convention?" Ray asked. "Seriously?"
"I just said I did it so…" Cheryl looked at them. "Duh!"
"WHY?" Cyril shouted.
Cheryl folded her arms. "Because Tunts have a history with Pivot and his hippie garden loving teetotaling freaks!"
"Of course, you do," Lana sighed. "Wait, Pivot said that there was an incident with some former members who were dead…"
"My parents," Cheryl nodded. "They got kicked out for trying to make an alcohol-based product made from carrots."
"Making alcohol from carrots," Cyril deadpanned. "This should not surprise me considering the history with this group but it does."
"They threw out your parents for that?" Lana asked.
"Well that and the brawl my father and one of my uncles started at one of their balls," Cheryl admitted. "During which my uncle shot one of the committee members in the leg."
"There it is," Pam groaned.
"Oh, and it was rumored that my mother stole some seeds and a diamond necklace from one of the female members," Cheryl went on. "As well as spreading some rumors about another woman having affairs. And syphilis."
"That would do it," Lana sighed.
"To be fair that syphilis thing was a tad too far," Cheryl admitted. "That woman mother spread rumors about only had a few genital warts."
"I don't want to know any more…" Cyril groaned. "Wait, yes I do! What the hell were you thinking? You do realize they could trace that bomb threat back to us, right?"
"Relax," Cheryl waved. "Krieger helped me set it up. He's got that totally untraceable phone machine, remember?"
"Krieger helped you?" Cyril was stunned.
"It was a fun little project," Krieger grinned.
"This is worse than the weird sex experiments with robots," Pam realized.
"Oh, there was some of that too," Cheryl spoke up.
"Bup! Bup! Bup!" Krieger looked at her. "I thought we agreed, what goes on in the lab, stays in the lab?"
"If only," Ray groaned.
"Krieger what possible reason do you have against Mr. Pivot and his group?" Lana was stunned.
"He turned down my legitimate cross bred seeds," Krieger protested. "Said it was against nature and all that."
"Gasp," Lana said sarcastically. "What cross bred seeds did you create? I ask knowing it will be something disturbing."
"I infused a carrot with the taste and texture of an apple!" Krieger grinned. "I call it a Crapple!"
"I was right," Lana sighed.
"What do we do now?" Pam asked. "If someone asks us about the bomb threat?"
"Do what we always do," Cyril told her. "Play dumb…"
"Not that big a stretch," Ray remarked.
Cyril went on. "And say the bomb threat was probably done by a couple of kooks."
"A surprisingly accurate statement," Ray looked at Cheryl and Krieger.