Summary of Events: Kate, Itachi, Tobi, Kisame, and Kakuzu are heading back to the hideout to kidnap three Wargonians to use as proof when trying to convince Team Hebi, Konoha, and Suna to become their allies in the war.

Chapter Sixty-Two: Love Guru Conspiracy

Rule Number Sixty-Two: Never forget that Tobi is Madara.

Kate

I pushed one to the tree branches out of my face and squinted down at the swarms of Wargonian soldiers surrounding our beloved Akatsuki hideout. What had originally been three Wargonians had swelled to thirty and now – after a day or so of our absence – the numbers had grown to somewhere in the hundreds, and even now the Wargonians kept coming.

"They're an ugly bunch, aren't they," said Kakuzu.

"Hn."

"You're one to talk…" muttered Kisame. "Though, your skin color is slightly more appeasing to the eye than gray."

Kakuzu snorted. "And blue is just that much better."

"I will have you know, my dear doctor, that blue is a highly attractive skin color – just ask my darling Katie here." Kisame patted me on the back, carefully not to knock me right out of my perch in the tree.

"Um… I think you're really, really…" I smiled sweetly at Kisame and then turned a brilliant shade of red as I realized that Tobi and Kakuzu were staring at me. "I like blue…"

Kisame grinned broadly while Kakuzu mimed vomiting behind Kisame's back. Even is Kisame didn't see it, everyone else did. Tobi, however, came to my rescue. He flung his arms around Kakuzu's shoulders and cried, "They're so cute! Kate and Kisame – couple of the year! Tobi wants to hugs them!"

"Then hug them and not me," snapped Kakuzu, trying to wrestle Tobi off of him.

"Hn."

"Itachi says we all need to shut up and listen. He has a plan for how to kidnap the Wargonian soldiers," translated Kisame.

I glanced over at Itachi, who was standing on top of a thick tree branch gazing out at the troops of Wargonian soldiers. He didn't seem to disagree with Kisame's translation, so I assume that Itachi did, in fact, have a plan.

"What is it Oh-Silent-One?" asked Kisame.

"Hn."

"What?" asked Kisame. "I didn't catch that?"

"Hn."

"Oh. He wants Tobi to run about on the ground like a crazy person and lure some soldiers away from the army. Then, Itachi will capture on with his Sharingan, Kakuzu, will capture one with his creepy tentacle thingy, and I'll capture on with my badass water techniques."

"Sounds like fun," said Kakuzu with a shrug. "Let's do it."

"Why does Tobi always have to be the bait?"

I glanced nervously around and asked, "What do I do?"

"Hn."

Kisame ignored Itachi's 'hn' and patted me comfortingly on the shoulder. "You just sit here and look pretty."

"Oh…" I watched miserably as Tobi, Kakuzu, and Itachi hopped down from the tree, their movements as light as a sparrow. Kisame remained behind for a moment, just to he could offer me a few comforting words. I smiled at my boyfriend, glad that there was someone here who cared if I lived or died.

"Why am I here?" I asked softly. "I'm sort of useless."

"For comic relief," said Kisame, cheerfully wrapping an arm around my shoulders.

[We all know she's here for narration purposes only – Leader-sama is in cahoots with the author mwahahahahaha]

"Kisame…"

"I got to go, baby," said Kisame, wiggling his eyebrows in that suggestive manner that belonged only to him. "When I return you want to find a bush and–?"

"Kisame."

He sighed heavily and kissed my forehead before hopping down from the tree, but not before he added, "Why does my girlfriend have to be such a prude?" Laughing loudly, he saluted me from the ground and raced after his fellow Akatsuki.

If I was Dessie, I probably would have slapped him. Then again, if I was Dessie, I probably would never have been called a prude in the first place. Sighing, I slumped back against the thick trunk of the tree, the bark pressing roughly again my back. Through the gaps in the tree leaves, I could see the Wargonian army, slowly growing bigger as more and more soldiers arrived.

"Tobi is a good boy!"

I leaned forward in the tree and saw a flash of orange as a masked figure appeared in the distance. The Wargonians caught sight of him and immediately a dozen or so soldiers started forward, chasing after the shrieking Tobi.

I fidgeted and watched the scene anxiously. Tobi led the Wargonians deep into the forest. I lost sight of them amongst the trees, but even without seeing, I knew exactly what was going on. Somewhere in that tangled mess of trees and plants the Wargonians were being attacked by the Akatsuki. I almost felt pity for the Wargonians.

"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"

My head jerked up and I stared, horrified, at the face in front of me.

"Tobi! What are you doing here?" I asked. "Aren't you supposed to be helping the others?"

"Kisame told Tobi to warn Kate."

"Warn me what?"

"If Kate sees a Wargonian – she should run like all of hell is after her."

"Tobi…"

"Tobi delivered Kisame's message. Tobi is a good boy." And with that Tobish statement, Tobi disappeared and I was left alone sitting on a tree branch almost fifty feet above solid ground.

"Well…" I muttered. "If I Wargonian does show up here it's not like I can run anyways…"

A long silence stretched through the forest. The Akatsuki could not afford noisy kidnappings which would bring the entire force of the Wargonian army down upon them. So there was no way of me knowing how the battles were going. Maybe Itachi or Kakuzu was dead. Maybe Tobi was laying in some forgotten part of the forest, his head decapitated from the rest of his body. Maybe Kisame was speared to a tree, blood pouring our of his stomach –

Bad Kate!

I slapped myself in the side of the head. Thinking about such negative outcomes was very bad. I was the optimistic one! Hannah and Dessie were realists, I was an optimist. I could not allow myself to imagine dead bodies. We would all return with Wargonian captives and then we would depart back to the rest of the Akatsuki, convince Konoha, Suna, and Team Hebi to join our cause, then we would rage a war against the Wargonians, and after we won, the Akatsuki would ride off into the sunset to continue our lives of crime and debauchery and all that good stuff.

"Yep. Be optimistic, Kate," I told myself.

"Yes… be very optimistic."

My heart froze. I swear, I was like a little Kate Popsicle as I sat on the thick tree branch and listened to the heavy voice that whispered in my ear. Slowly, I turned to look over my shoulder. My blue eyes met red ones and I found myself staring at the gray, withered face of a Wargonian man.

Needless to say, I screamed.

"There's no where to run…" said the Wargonian pleasantly.

I shivered and scooted backwards. The branch trembled violently beneath me. "I-I-I…"

"What's your name?"

"K-K-Kate…"

The Wargonian snorted. "Ugly name. I'm Kuchacha."

I probably would have laughed at the pure ridiculousness of his name if I had not been so terrified out of my wits. I could only gawp at Kuchacha like a guppy out of water. Finally, after much stammering and choking, I managed to say, "I have very scary friends…"

Kuchacha smiled pleasantly. "I have met your friends, and they aren't so scary."

"They're very scary," I promised him. "You haven't seen them at their scariest."

"I worship Warg, the god of war and all things violent, I fear nothing scary. After all, there is nothing more terrifying than my god."

"He s-s-sounds like the type of god Dessie would worship…" I muttered.

"Who is this…Dessie?"

"My friend… she worships Warg."

Kuchacha nodded approvingly. "Warg is the almighty god. He supports the killing of all things not Wargonian. So, there should be no problems with me killing you." And with that, Kuchacha leapt across the tree branch, a knife appearing in his hands as he aimed for my exposed throat.

"Eep!"

Silence.

A second passed. And then two. For some reason beyond my comprehension, I was still alive.

Slowly, I opened my eyes.

Itachi Uchiha, the heartless king of 'hn', was kneeling before me, a kunai clutched in his hand as he blocked Kuchacha's attack.

I stared. As far as I could remember Itachi had never been the life saving type. "Er… thanks… I guess…"

He never replied, because at that moment, Kuchacha jerked his knife away and hopped backwards until he landed on a different branch of a tree a couple meters away from us. I shifted closer to Itachi, afraid that if I was left in the open, Kuchacha might take off my head or some other vitally important part of my body that I would prefer not to be separated from.

"You!" cried Kuchacha, pointing wildly at Itachi. "That face… those eyes… I feel great loathing towards you!"

"Hn."

"No creature who is not of Wargonian decent should be so divine in appearance! Fiends of good-looks should die at the hands of the mighty Warg!"

"Hn."

I glanced from Kuchacha, who was still glaring, to Itachi, who looked incredibly disinterested. Finally, I turned to Kuchacha and let out a very Dessie-like statement, "Are you gay?"

Kuchacha turned a vivid shade of maroon and cried, "Absolutely not! I am attracted to members of the sex opposite to mine! I am simply of loathing towards better looking men since they accumulate masses of fangirls whereas I remain a minor character who will probably disappear after this chapter!"

"Hn."

"Oh… I'm sorry…" I said. "Maybe if you plead to the author and readers, they might bring you back – you know… for a sequel chapter."

"Hn."

"Itachi says – hell, no! A douche bag like that needs to go down the drain and stay there with all the shit! And I don't mean stuff-shit – I mean shit-shit!"

A grin spread across my face as I turned around and saw Kisame – in all his blue-haired, shark-like, sword-waving madness – standing behind me, glowering at Kuchacha as if the Wargonian were something unpleasant on the bottom Kisame's shoe.

"Who are you?" asked Kuchacha.

Kisame glared. "Your worst nightmare."

Kuchacha scowled. "How many times do I have to say that I am a Wargonian who worships Warg. You're threats do not frighten me–"

Itachi punched him in the face.

For a moment, Kuchacha teetered in place and then toppled from his place in the tree. Itachi leapt down and caught Kuchacha before the Wargonian could land on the ground and escape. Itachi return to the branch beside me, holding Kuchacha tightly. Within seconds he had Kuchacha bound and gagged, completely unable to move.

"Hey!" cried Kisame, hopping over to my branch and scowling at Itachi. "I was going to get him!"

"Hn."

"Don't you 'hn' me, Itachi! I know exactly what all your 'hn's mean! And let me tell you – hn hnhn hn hnnnnnnnnnn!"

"Hn."

There was the sound of rustling leaves and the three of us whipped around to see if it was yet another Wargonian preparing to attack us. Luckily enough, it wasn't, and we found ourselves facing Kakuzu. Of course, Kakuzu wasn't in his usual form where his body was stitched together. His skin had come to pieces and masses of black tentacles wiggled out from his body, squirming as they held the body of a Wargonian soldier high above his head.

"What's all the arguing about?" asked Kakuzu, his voice morphed as tentacles flowed from his mouth.

"Itachi took my prey," snapped Kisame.

"Hn."

"Well…" I stammered. "Technically Itachi was here first…"

"Kate!" cried Kisame, turning to me in horror. "Aren't you meant to be my loyal girlfriend and support me the whole way? Why are you betraying me? Don't tell me you're like Dessie and you think Itachi is the Original Hottie!"

I shook my head mutely.

"Well," said Kakuzu thoughtfully. "Didn't Kate like Itachi somewhere a long ways back…? And then the Love Guru ruined the whole thing for her." Kakuzu smirked in the direction of said Love Guru. "Maybe this is all just a gigantic Kisame conspiracy where he ruins all of Kate's chances at love so that he can have her all for himself…"

"Nonsense!" cried Kisame, folding his arms and scowling. "Don't butt your head in where it doesn't belong, ugly-ass. The Love Guru is pure and innocent! His only intentions are to help those who struggle with love to confess their feelings and live a happy-love-love life! Do not accuse the Love Guru of conspiracy plotting–"

"Kakuzu… Why is your captive dead?"

Mid-conversation, Kisame, Kakuzu, and I turned to stare at Itachi in confusion. Itachi was regarding the Wargonian caught in Kakuzu's tentacles carefully. Sure enough, upon further inspection, we realized that the Wargonian was dead.

"Leader is going to kill you!" cried Kisame delightedly. "He wanted three captives alive! Right now we only have one."

"That Itachi caught," said Kakuzu darkly. His black tentacles tossed the dead body away and slowly they retreated back into Kakuzu's skin. Soon, Kakuzu's stitched himself back together and he looked like the usual Kakuzu again (much to my eyes' relief).

"I would have caught the Wargonian if Itachi hadn't stolen my kill!" cried Kisame angrily.

Still curled up on the tree branch, I inched towards Kisame and reached out a shaky hand with which to pat his leg gently. Kisame look down at me and his expression softened. I smiled up at him. "Don't worry. You'll get a Wargonian of your own."

Kakuzu mimed vomiting.

"And you weren't like this with Ms. Wendy!" snapped Kisame.

"Ms. Wendy – alas – did not bear strong emotions towards me!" cried Kakuzu. "Besides, there were none of these icky feelings of love between Ms. Wendy andI.I wanted her money and she didn't want me to steal it. Smart woman." Kakuzu nodded approvingly.

"The Love Guru is mortified by your heartlessness," said Kisame.

"One day," I said softly. "You're going to fall in love and the Love Guru and his intentions won't seem so stupid to you then."

"Hn."

I couldn't tell if Itachi was laughing at us or agreeing with us. I hope it was a little bit of both. But then, Itachi's next words brought us all back to reality and our Love Guru Conspiracy argument was brought on hold.

"We still need three living Wargonians," said Itachi.

All four of us turned to stare at the bound and gagged Kuchacha. He looked to pathetic with watery red eyes and a purple face from lack of air. I felt a wave of pity towards him, but then I remembered how he tried to kill me and the pity disappeared.

"Crap…" groaned Kisame. "I don't want to go and fight those Wargonians again."

"Are they that difficult?" I asked.

All three Akatsuki nodded. "Yes."

"One on his own has about the same strength as a jounin ninja," explained Kakuzu. "Now make an entire army of them – yes, they are that difficult."

"So what are we going to do?" I asked.

"Tobi is a good boy!"

Slowly, with eyes wide, we all turned to see Tobi standing on a branch above ours. His orange mask glowed vibrantly in the sunlight and over each shoulder he had the body of an unconscious Wargonian man.

"Tobi…" asked Kisame incredulously. "Where did you get those two Wargonians?"

"Tobi captured them just like Leader instructed Tobi to do!"

Kakuzu slapped his forehead. "Yeah, yeah… Tobi is a good boy…"

Rule Number Sixty-Two: Never forget that Tobi is Madara and therefore capable of great things when least expected – though, I have to admit, Tobi-Madara is quite useful on occasion.