Summary of Events: After kidnapping three Wargnians, the Akatsuki have divided up into team in order to convince Team Hebi, Konoha, and Suna to join in an alliance with in Akatsuki against the Wargonian threat. Dessie, Leader, Konan, and Zetsu head to Konoha to talk with the Hokage.

Chapter Sixty-Four: Greetings to the Hokage

Rule Number Sixty-Four: Never argue bust size with Tsunade

Dessie

Unlike Hannah and Kate, I had never been to Konoha before. So, you can imagine my delight when I discovered the number of Hotties Konoha possesses! First off, there is the Mysterious Hottie (Kakashi) who greeted us at the gates of Konoha. He job was to lead Leader, Konan, Zetsu, and I through Konoha without us destroying everything in our path. Leader had sent messages ahead of us assuring that Hokage (and Sasuke and the Kazekage) of our non-violent intentions. However, for some unknown reason, the Hokage still didn't trust us and she sent Kakashi, Sai, Naruto, and Sakura to escort the Akatsuki safely through Konoha.

I had absolutely no issues with this. You see, Kakashi is the Mysterious Hottie who always wears a mask and is undeniably attractive. Sai is also a Hottie, not at the level of the Mini-Hottie, but hot in his own way. So, I have named Sai the Emotionless-Hottie. And then there is Naruto, with all his over cheerful yellowness, he is still quite attractive and shall hereby be known as Sunshine-Hottie. As you can see, I was quite pleased with our welcome to Konoha (Sakura was the only downside to our escort group).

As the Mysterious-Hottie led us through Konoha, the sighs only got better. I saw more sights to die for including Dog-Hottie, Ice-Hottie, and so on. Pineapple, Fatty, and Flat-Chested Whore were there too, but they were less happy to see me (something about me being involved in the death of Dark Hottie). Anyways, I have to say I quite liked it here in Konoha and could totally imagine myself moving here for a vacation home. Of course, when I mentioned my plan, Sakura was less than happy.

"Konoha would not accept a criminal like you living here."

"Criminal?" I asked disbelievingly. "Nah. At worst I'm just a fake whore."

"You are part of the Akatsuki and if you weren't here to have a peaceful discussing with Lady Tsunade, I would have killed you already."

I snorted. "I'd like to see you try. One look at you and I can tell you're the type to scream and run away whenever anything looks remotely dangerous."

Sakura looked at me suspiciously. "How did you know?"

"It doesn't take a genius to figure out."

It's at time like this I needed Hannah, Deidara, Hidan, or some other smart-alack member of the Akatsuki to back me up. I felt a little deflated at I look around for support and saw only Leader, Konan, and Zetsu (not the most sociable members of the Akatsuki).

"I remember you," said Sai thoughtfully.

"Great…" I muttered walking beside Zetsu grumpily. "Another genius."

"Didn't Sakura nickname you 'bitch'?"

I almost laughed aloud – almost. That word would probably follow me around for the rest of my life. "What's it to you?"

"I think it's still an accurate nickname," said Sakura.

"Shut up."

"We don't think Dessie is a bitch," said Zetsu, his yellow eyes peering out between the cracks of his Venus flytrap body.

"Why thank you, Zetsu," I said with a smile. "Even though you're probably only doing this to get on Hannah's good-side, your compliments are much appreciated – and it shows up those smarmy shitheads." I shoved a finger in the direction of Sakura and Sai.

"You need to wash out your mouth with soap," said Naruto cheerfully.

I shot him a glowing smile (only the best for Sunshine-Hottie). "Ms. Wendy gave that up after the first try. A stream of cussing came out of my mouth the moment the soap got anywhere near me."

"That sort of defeats the purpose," said Kakashi (Mysterious-Hottie – I am drooling here).

"You're not thinking about kissing any more random strangers, are you?" asked Konan, noticing my expression.

"I can't," I said glumly. "Mysterious-Hottie wears a mask. Like Tobi."

"Tobi's not hot…" observed Leader.

I laughed aloud. "I beg to differ. Mada– Tobi is gorgeous underneath all that orange."

"Mada?" asked Naruto curiously.

"Mada-Tobi," I said randomly. "It's what we call Tobi when he goes into badass mode. Which, knowing Tobi, isn't often."

I'm fairly certainly that Leader let out a snort of barely concealed laughter. He seemed to appreciate my efforts to not reveal Tobi as the evil criminal mastermind Madara and, I have to admit, I did a wonderful job of covering up my almost-mistake. Mwahahahaha – Tobi the Childish-Criminal transforms into Mada-Tobi and has come to save the day! Good-doers beware – the badass of evil is here!

I received several weird stares as I broke out into a random chorus of laughter.

"She's always like that," said Konan with a shrug.

"Is mentally ill a requirement to join the Akatsuki?" asked Naruto.

"You're just jealous that you can't join," I told him between fits of giggles.

"Yeah… yeah…" muttered Kakashi, his one visible eye staring at me coldly. "Naruto – don't even think of joining the Akatsuki."

"I'm not that stupid," said Naruto. "They have been trying to kill me."

"May I point out," said Leader stiffly. "That you are still alive and, if I had wanted to kill you, it would have been far too easy. We have more important things on our hands right now."

"Like what?" asked Sakura.

I flipped her off, while Leader said, "The only person I will speak to right now, is the Hokage."

"Good," said Kakashi. "Because we're here."

The group had arrived at the front door of theHokageTowerand Kakashi led the way inside. The moment we stepped on the tiled floor, every single gaze turned to us and I swear I saw every human being in the room shrink away in fear – we're just that badass. Kakashi, however, ignore the shinobis' reaction and continued leading the group upstairs to the Hokage's personal office.

Leader stopped the group outside and he turned to face Zetsu and me. "You and you," he said, pointing at the both of us. "Will wait out here. Konan and I will go inside and talk to the Hokage."

Zetsu looked quite relaxed even though he had just been told to heel like a dog rather than join in the negotiations. I, on the other hand, wailed at the top of my lungs, "I want to come!"

"Dessie."

"Yes, Leader?"

"Don't make me disembowel you."

One look in Leader's eyes and I knew he was serious. "No, Leader."

"Good." Leader turned to go with Konan following closely behind him.

"Oh wait!" I cried, rummaging into my backpack. I pulled out a small, slightly dirty scroll and handed it to Leader. "You forgot Kuchacha."

Leader nodded grimly. "Forgetting Kuchacha would be bad."

"Who's Kuchacha?" asked Sakura.

Everyone ignored her and I watched forlornly as Leader and Konan followed Kakashi into the Hokage's office. Sakura, Naruto, and Sai were left behind to make sure that Zetsu and I didn't destroy Konoha while the Hokage was preoccupied.

"So… Who is Kuchacha?" asked Naruto.

"A crazy, pain-in-the-ass Wargonian who tried to kill Kate and instead got his ass whipped by the Original Hottie," I replied cheerfully.

"Eh…?"

"The Hokage will explain after she is finished talking to the Akatsuki," said Sai. "We'll have to wait until then."

"Blah!" cried Naruto, crossing his arms and pouting like a spoilt child. "I want to know now. Why can't they let us sit in on the meeting? I promise to be quite."

I smiled adoringly at Naruto, well aware that Sakura was contemplating taking my head off. Sakura's ill intentions meant nothing to me. She isn't a Hottie nor is she Akatsuki; therefore, I don't give a damn about her.

"We're hungry," said Zetsu.

"That's nice, darling," I said, flicking a stand of black hair out of my eyes, only to have it fall right back into place. "Shitty hair. Sometimes I wish I could just chop it all off."

"Dessie…" groaned Zetsu. "I'm really hungry."

I rolled my eyes and turned to the three Konoha shinobi watching up. I scowled at Sakura and sent glowing smiles in the direction of the two boys before saying, "You heard the plant – get him some food."

"Do it yourself!" snapped Sakura.

I laughed. "It's your limbs on the line."

"What…?"

Without another word to the pinkette, I plopped down on the ground and, using the wall as a headrest, I went to sleep. I might have drifted off for a moment or two, but my precious sleep was ruined by the sound of Sakura screaming. There was no doubt in my mind about what had happened to her. Slowly, begrudgingly, I opened my eyes and observed the scene in front of me.

Zetsu, hunger-driven, was trying to take a bite out of Sakura's leg while Naruto and Sai tried to restrain Zetsu.

I watched in amusement for a while and then Sakura caught sight of my expression and screamed, "Get it off me! Get it off me! Get it off me!"

Casually, I shrugged. "I'm not Hannah. I have no control of Zetsu. He said he was hungry – and did you listen? No. You brought this on yourself, Sakura-chan." I laughed aloud at the end (just to add the sexy, evil effect).

"She's crazy…" said Naruto, as he tried to pull Zetsu away from Sakura. "But not as crazy as this…thing."

"We objected to being called a thing," said Zetsu.

The instant that Zetsu paused to speak, Sakura wound back her fist and slugged poor Zetsu in the jaw. Immediately, Zetsu released her. Him and his captors were thrown across the room – they smacked against the wall and fell to the floor in a gigantic heap with Sakura and me watching.

"He made me bleed…"

"He was just hungry…" I said. "He didn't deserve that. It's no different than you eating pork."

"Are you comparing me to a pig!" asked Sakura.

"Why yes, yes I am."

Sakura never got a chance to retaliate, because, at that very moment, the door to the Hokage's office was thrown open and several people came streaming out, their eyes wide in alarm. Two of the people were Leader and Konan, their oddly colored hair and piercings standing out boldly amongst the straight-laced Konoha shinobi. Kakashi – my Hottie – was there and a woman with short black hair and a pig was standing beside him.

"What's going on here?"

A blond woman stepped from her office and approached us. Her eyes flash menacingly, but that was no was filled me with horror. No, one look could tell me that she had an enormous chest.

"The plant tried to eat me," explained Sakura.

Naruto and Sai collected themselves from the ground and Zetsu scuttled over to me, muttering something about still being hungry and violent food.

"Zetsu," said Konan patiently. "Do we need to put you on a leash?"

Slowly, Zetsu shook his head. "No. We'll be good."

"You'd better be," said Leader irritably. "I have no issues with ripping apart your Venus flytrap and adding it to the vegetable salad. And then putting you on an all vegetable diet. And then you will be a true cannibal."

Zetsu cringed. "We'll be good, Leader-sama."

None of this conversation had any effect on me. I was preoccupied with staring at Tsunade's huge knockers. Finally, after a lot of deliberating, I said, "Even though your chest is bigger, mine is more sculpted."

Silence.

"What?" Tsunade looked livid.

"Look at this," I said, pointing at my chest. "Nice and firm – and look to this," I pointed at Tsunade chest, "Big and baggy."

Silence.

One moment I was standing there having a Who-Has-The-Bigger-Chest Competition with Tsunade and the next she was standing behind me and putting me in a headlock.

"Hey!" I cried. "Not cool."

"I think it's very cool," said Leader. "So what about it, Hokage. Will you join forces with us or will you let us fight the Wargonians on our own?"

"We need more time to deliberate," said Tsunade, still gripping me in a headlock. "What if this is all a lie? You have been trying to kill us for the past few years."

Leader nodded once. "Fair enough. We gave you the location of the hideout where Wargonian troops are gathering via the blue orb. You can make sure for yourselves that our story is true. Then, I explained how to contact us."

"Yes." Tsunade nodded grimly. "We will."

"Good. Now…"

With that dreaded word, Leader slowly rounded on Zetsu and I, Knowing that my impending doom was near, Tsunade released me and left me to the mercy of Leader. Ha…ha…ha…

Rule Number Sixty-Four: Never have a Bust-Size Competition with Tsunade – it ends in pain and punishment.

We were walking away from Konoha, and despite the severe agony of Leader's punishment, we were in high spirits. After all, we had succeeded in our mission. It wasn't until we were outside of Konoha limits that I paused and turned to address Leader.

"You didn't tell the Hokage about the jutsu, did you?"

"The jutsu where – if she or any of her men kill an Akatsuki member, she dies?" asked Leader. "Or the one where if she refuses to join our cause, she dies?"

I smacked my forehead and sighed heavily. "Crazy as shit…"