Summary of Events: After kidnapping three Wargnians, the Akatsuki have divided up into team in order to convince Team Hebi, Konoha, and Suna to join in an alliance with in Akatsuki against the Wargonian threat. Kate, Kisame, Hidan, and Itachi are going to Suna to discuss and alliance with Gaara.

Chapter Sixty-Five: Negotiations with Suna

Rule Number Sixty-Five: Don't flirt with Kisame's girl.

Kate

At times like this, I can understand Dessie completely. Usually I think that her Hottie obsession is crazy and ridiculous. But, as I gaze upon the gorgeous face of Gaara, I can understand exactly while Dessie would feel obliged to stalk him and steal a kiss from him. Of course, with a boyfriend, I could only look and not touch, but still… the Kazekage was irresistible (even if he had no eyebrows).

"The Akatsuki," he said, grimly. "Asking for a peace treaty. This is expected."

"Believe me," said Kisame. "We didn't expect it either. But more dire circumstances arose and now we need allies to overcome it. This is not a frequent occurrence."

Gaara scoffed. "I should hope not. That black-haired girl isn't with you, is she?"

"Hn."

Hidan laughed aloud. "You mean that bitch Dessie? Hell no. It's just the four of us."

"Good. You can come in the city then." And with that, Gaara led the way into Suna.

"Wow…" muttered Kisame. "Dessie is more hated than I thought."

Gaara led the four of us – Itachi, Kisame, Hidan, and me – through the city of Suna. I have to admit it was a pretty city (though not as pretty as its Kazekage). The last time I had been to Suna was during our vacation. If I remember correctly, it was after Kisame and I had started dating and we made Kakuzu so mad with our extreme couplishness. Of course, then Dessie and Hannah had to ruin it by getting chased out of the city by shinobi…

"I hate sand…"

I turned to stare at Hidan is surprise, but what surprised me more was when Kisame agreed.

"How can you hate sand?" I asked incredulously. "It's so much fun!"

"Wargonia…" groaned Kisame.

"So much sand!" added Hidan. "And all those assmunchers to add to the pain."

"Assmunchers?" asked Kisame, rounding on Hidan as we passed through the streets of Suna. "Did you really just use the word assmunchers?"

"Yeah, you got an issue with that, Fish Fry?"

"No… Just… of all the words you could have used, you chose assmunchers?" Kisame looked around for support. Itachi just ignored him while I jumped eagerly to my boyfriend's aid.

"Assmunchers is a strange word, Hidan."

"Shut up, you suck-up girlfriend."

My face turned bright red and I quickly turned it away so that neither Kisame or Hidan could see it. Hwoever, Itachi happened to be walking right behind me and he saw my tomato-face. For a moment, he just stared at me dully and then said, "Hn."

"Itachi," said Kisame, moving beside Itachi to sling an arm around Itachi's shoulders. "You really need to work on your social skills. I know you failed out of communications classes at school, but some verbal skills are necessary for life."

"Hell no!" cried Hidan. "He's a ninja – ninja are supposed to be fucking quiet."

There was a pause.

"Hn."

Kisame turned to Hidan and rolled his eyes. "Itachi says that you're and idiot and you're not the one to lecture on quiet ninjas."

"What the hell are you implying, Fish Fry?" asked Hidan, raising his fists into the air.

"Nothing," said Kisame innocently. "Besides, it was Itachi talking, not me."

"Hn."

Ahead of us, Gaara looked over his shoulder and raised one of his non-existant eyebrows in our direction. I smiled sheepishly and said, "They're just a bunch of silly boys…"

At this, Kisame let out a bark of laughter and wrapped one arm around my waist. He lifted me right up from the ground and hoisted me above his head, laughing wildly while I shrieked and thrashed about. I hope the ground isn't as far away as it looks.

"What were you saying about silly boys?" asked Kisame.

"Put me down! Put me down!"

"Aren't you in love with this sill boy? Hmmm?"

"Kisame!"

He laughed, but obligingly put me down. I staggered a little, but managed to regain my center of gravity by using Itachi as a pole. He glared at me and I quickly removed my hand from his shoulder.

"Er… um…" I stammered. "I didn't…"

"Don't worry," said Kisame, patting Itachi on the head. "He may look scary on the outside. But on the inside he's a soft, loveable teddy-bear." And with that, Kisame swept Itachi up into a warm bear-hug.

Hidan pumped his fist into the air and cried, "Poke his eyes out, Weasel-Ass!"

Itachi glared.

"What?" asked Hidan irritably. "I was cheering for you!"

"I think he objects to the usage of 'Weasel-Ass'," I pointed out.

Hidan snorted. "I much prefer Stalker Bitch. She doesn't object to her nicknames."

"That's because Dessie actually is a Stalker Bitch…" muttered Kisame.

"Hn."

Gaara stopped and turned to face the four of his. His expression was grim, but his eyes were inquisitive as if he was still trying to decipher exactly what was going on in our heads. I wish him the very best of luck with that task, since I don't think even the Akatsuki knows what goes on in their brains – I certainly don't.

"What's up, Zombie-Shit?" asked Hidan, coming to a halt behind Gaara.

Gaara stared.

"What?" asked Hidan, taking a step back, repulsed.

Gaara continued to stare.

"Don't tell me you've fallen in love with me, Zombie-Shit – because I can warn you right now, I am straight. Dead straight."

A pause, and then Gaara said, "Zombie-Shit?"

Hidan laughed maniacally. "You don't like it? You're the definition of zombie – didn't Deidara kill you? You have to be one pretty pathetic piece of shit to be killed by Deidara… He's like half-chick."

Kisame rolled his eyes and hit Hidan – rather roughly – in the back of the head. "You know we're here for an alliance, moron; it's best that we don't insult the Kazekage."

"Meh. Kazekage, Shmazekage. Like I care."

Without warning, Itachi leapt behind Hidan and slammed the back of his fist into Hidan's neck. With a gasp, Hidan went sprawling to the ground and Itachi stood over him, glaring icily down.

"Damn… Weasel-Ass…" muttered Hidan.

Kisame grinned. "I knew there was a reason we brought Itachi."

"Shut up, assmuncher!" snapped Hidan, getting to his feet.

"So," I said slowly, turning to Gaara. "Where are we?"

Gaara stared at me and, after a moment, he said, "We're outside the Kazekage offices – of course, you were too busy trying to kill each other to notice."

Hidan laughed. "It's part of the business, shithead."

Silence… Then, Gaara turned and headed into the Kazekage's offices expecting the four of us to follow him. We did, shuffling awkwardly as the eyes of every single human being in the room fell upon us. Immediately, whispers rose and some people even stood up on tiptoes to get a better look. My face turned a brilliant shade of red even though I knew no one was looking at me.

Hidan seemed quite pleased with the attention he was getting and held himself upright with an obvious swagger to his walk. "Yeah," he said. "I'm just that badass."

"Hn."

Gaara ignore the attention and led us up several flights of stairs until we reached a long hallway. We continued walking down the hall, passing all the doors to the left and right until, finally, we reached a tall, arching door at the end of the corridor. Gaara pushed it open and led us inside. The room was undoubtedly the Kazekage's personal office. It was spacious with bookshelves lining the walls and a gigantic desk in the middle of the room.

Two people were inside, one was a tall, blond girl with sea-green eyes and the other wore a black outfit that vaguely resembled a cat and purple makeup all over his face.

"Temair," said Gaara, gesturing towards the girl. "And Kankuro." He pointed at the man.

"Nice to meet you," said Kankuro, wiggling his eyebrows at me.

Temari said nothing.

We gathered around the desk, while Gaara took his seat in the chair and surveyed us all silently. "So," said Gaara. "What do you have to tell me?"

It was Itachi who responded. He launched into an explanation of the Wargonians and the blue orb (I will not bore you with reciting the whole story again). And, personally, I did not listen. Instead, I examined the reactions of the Suna shinobi. Gaara, of course, kept his face completely neutral throughout the whole story. He didn't even raise an eyebrow (which, for him, I guess was impossible). Temari, though she tried not to, would gasp and looked disbelieving in places, as if she was trying to believe the story, but at the same time being captivated by it.

I turned to Kankuro to see his reaction and was surprised to see Kankuro staring at me.

"Um…"

He winked.

WHAT! I screamed inside, unable to speak for fear of Itachi decapitating me. I quickly looked away from Kankuro and felt my face grow hot. He had – um – winked at me… Since when do guys wink at me! Not even Kisame has ever winked…

Slowly, I glanced back up at Kankuro and saw that he was still staring at me. He noticed me looking and leaned forward slightly, licking his lips.

My face felt as though it was on fire. I quickly looked away, pretending to have not seen – though it was pretty obvious that I had. Now that I think about it, didn't Hannah and Dessie mention Kankuro… And his perverted nature…

Kankuro sidled closer to me and leaned over to whisper in my eat, "You're kind of cute."

"Eh?"

Before I could muster up a reply, something yanked Kankuro's face away from my ear. Surprised, I turned to see Kisame holding Kankuro by the hair, Kankuro's hood having fallen off to reveal the scruffy brown hair beneath.

"What are you doing?" asked Temari angrily. "I thought this was a peaceful meeting."

"He's flirting with my girlfriend," said Kisame bluntly, not letting go of Kankuro's hair.

"Oh. Yeah, he does that." Temari returned to listening to Itachi.

"Your family seems to hate you as much as I do," said Kisame. He pushed Kankuro away and added, in a low an deadly voice, "Don't touch my girl."

I smiled and tried to hide it. However, Kisame caught it and grinned back at me.

"Jackass," muttered Kankuro, pulling his hood back up.

Itachi had now gotten to the point where he summoned the Wargonian captive as proof that our story was true. He pulled out a scroll and released the seal. With a puff of smoke, a white-haired, red-eyed, gray-skinned Wargonian appeared on the floor of the office, bound by ropes and looking extremely frustrated.

Even Gaara looked shocked.

"This is…a Wargonian?"

"Hn."

"Hell yeah!" cried Hidan. "This thing is fucking ridiculous to try and kill!"

Wargonian struggled against his bonds, no doubt planning on murdering Hidan; however, the ropes that bound the Wargonian were too tight and he only succeeded in falling flat on his face (which of course sent Hidan into one of his maniacally laughing fits).

"The Wargonians are real…" said Temari slowly. "They really are real…"

"Hold on," said Gaara. "This is the Akatsuki. They could be lying."

Kisame nodded in agreement. "Yeah. If I weren't me I would think I was lying too. But I know I'm telling the truth so it's less ridiculous."

"You're making my brain hurt like hell," muttered Hidan.

"You're an idiot…"

Itachi decided to ignore the other Akatsuki members and spoke determinedly to Gaara. "We understand that you might have difficulties believing us, so we are willing to tell you the location of the hideout and you can witness the Wargonian army for yourself. But, for now, we would like you to agree that if the Wargonian threat is true you will help us."

Gaara stared silently at Itachi. "You tried to kill me."

"Let bygones be bygones," said Kisame, waving away Gaara's words. "We have a bigger, more dangerous threat right now than the Akatsuki's plans to rule the world. We're willing to put aside all grudges."

"Like what?"

"The death of Sasori…" said Kisame, clutching his heart. "I loved that little man – you know, he never got to be a real boy."

I smiled. "You watched Pinocchio far too many times at Dessie's house."

"Hey…" said Kisame, wiping away a fake tear. "That guy had some serious emotion issues."

"He's was the biggest shithead I've ever seen!" exclaimed Hidan.

"Hn."

Kisame grinned. "Itachi says he'll murder us all on the spot if we don't shut up about Disney films. He hears enough about Cinderella from Tobi and he doesn't want to hear another word about an Akatsuki fieldtrip to Disneyworld."

"If he wants to tell me to shut up have the Weasel-Ass tell me himself!" roared Hidan.

[A pause here where extreme violence is omitted]

"Are you willing to agree to our terms?" asked Itachi, turning back to Gaara after dealing with Hidan.

From his bloody puddle on the floor, Hidan groaned and said, "Yeah… And if you don't agree, we'll release the Itachi on you…"

Gaara sighed. "Yes, if the Wargonian threat is proven true then we will join you in a war against them."

Itachi smiled and, before Gaara could repond, Itachi formed several hand signs. There was a flash of light and – just as soon as it had come – the light was gone. Gaara, Temari, and Kankuro sat there, gawping at Itachi.

"What just happened!" exclaimed Kankuro angrily.

"Now, you are bound by a jutsu where you cannot break your promise nor murder any Akatsuki member during the war," said Itachi. "If you or any of your men break your promise, you will die."

"What!"

Temari rounded on Itachi, her eyes flashing in anger. "You lied to us!"

"Not really," said Kisame. "We just failed to mention the jutsu Leader, Tobi, and Itachi created."

"Are we done?" asked Hidan angrily. "I want to get the hell out of this place before my brain rots!"

"It's already broken," muttered Kisame as we began making our way towards the door.

I followed the two of them, but before I could take two steps, Kankuro caught me by the wrist. He placed a piece of paper in my hand and winked, "Contact me soon, baby."

SLAM!

Kisame buried his sword into the wall, inches from Kankuro's face. Kisame's eyes burned with undying hatred. "Don't – touch – my – girlfriend – ass – hole – or – I – will – rip – out – you – intestines – and – feed – them – to – my – shark – relatives – and – after – they – have – finished – eating – all – your – vital – organs – I – will – shove – the – remains – back – inside – of – you – and – have – Kakuzu – stitch – you –back – up. Then – you – can – walk – around – with – mince – meat – for – insides – and – a gnawed – up – piece – of – shit – for – a – dick."

…

…

…

Rule Number Sixty-Five: Don't flirt with Kisame's girl.

"Man," said Hidan. "Where'd you learn to threaten like that?"

Kisame removed his sword from the wall and, grabbing me by the hand, walked away. "Leader."

Hidan grinned villainously. "He still does it ten times better than you."

"At least, you don't have to worry about guys hitting on Dessie," muttered Kisame. "No sane guy would go near her with a ten feet pole."

Grinning broadly, Hidan said, "I know. It's fucking great!"

"Hn."