"It's like... most of the time, when you go to bed with someone, she tells you all her stories, and then you tell her all of your stories. You know, there's that talking, that post... You know. But with Lena and me, we'd already heard each other's stories before! So, once we went to bed we didn't know what we were supposed to do, you know?"
Alex panted as they ran along the Hudson, nodding along. "And then you bolted like a coward."
Kara waved her off. "I don't know, maybe you get to a certain point in a relationship where... Maybe it's just too late to have sex, you know? It's sort of like incest."
Alex pulled a face as they stopped along the banks for a stretch. "You don't mean that."
Kara opened her mouth, only to immediately close it again. Her lips pulled into a taut line. "I don't, not really. Well, almost. Lena's my best friend. I didn't think she'd be the kind of person I'd have sex with."
Alex whacked her sister on the head. "Because you're a goddamn idiot."
Lena fiddled with a button on her shirt while Sam took her time in the dressing room. "Is... Is Kara bringing anyone to the wedding?"
"If she has a plus-one, she didn't say," came Sam's voice as Lena heard the rustling of an obscene amount of fabric.
"Is she... is she seeing anyone?" Lena asked, even if she told herself she did not care. She did not care, she did not...
"She was seeing this anthropologist."
Lena's eyes snapped to the dressing room door. "Really? I mean. Nice. What did she look like?"
The sound of more rustling fabric told her Sam had shrugged. "Pretty. Thin. Very blonde, big boobs. Your basic nightmare." There was the click of the door and Sam stepped out with a little twirl. "So? What do you think?"
Lena choked up at the vision of Sam, all lace and satin trim, draped in white.
"Oh, Sam."
"Tell me the truth!"
"It's beautiful. Just beautiful," Lena said honestly.
"You don't think it's silly? I mean, white-"
"It's beautiful, Sam. It's so beautiful, you're so beautiful..." she felt her eyes pooling with tears, and she wiped at them adamantly. "Stunning."
Sam laughed, stepping over the train of her dress to embrace Lena in a warm hug. "Oh, honey."
The wedding was almost disgustingly beautiful, Lena thought with wonder as she took in the decorations. It was an elegant winter theme, with boughs of holly and pine, twinkling lights, and flowers. It was amazing, and Sam looked so happy it made Lena want to cry with delight for her friend.
Alex stood at the head of the aisle, looking really smart in tailored maroon suit. Kara was next to her, as her 'best-woman,' looking happy and nervous in blue.
The music swelled, and Lena followed as Sam came down the aisle. All eyes were on her, except for a pair of ocean blues that seemed to forget all about the approaching bride. Instead, Lena could feel Kara following her every movement, and she had to concentrate on her every step not to trip on her heels. The walk down the aisle was interminable.
She finally delivered Sam, taking her place next to her. Her eyes met Kara's for a moment before she had to look away.
"Hi."
Lena almost didn't hear Kara approach with the band playing, and she debated pretending she actually hadn't. But the blonde was coming even closer, so she pivoted on her heel to face her with a tight smile.
"Hello."
Kara shifted her weight on her feet, hands in her pockets. "Nice ceremony, huh?"
Lena nodded, crossing her arms and splaying her fingers on the crook of her elbow, grasping at the soft sleeve of her dress. "Beautiful."
Kara rocked in place for a moment.
"Boy, the holidays are rough, aren't they? Every year it feels like I'm just trying to get from the day before Thanksgiving to the day after New Year's."
Lena bit at her lip. "Lots of suicided."
Kara nodded. Lena did too.
"So," Kara began again, a hand leaving her pocket to fiddle with the end of her tie. "How have you been?"
"Fine."
There was a pause. Only briefly.
"You seeing anyone?"
Lena gritted her teeth; her throat felt tight. "Kara..."
"What?"
"I don't want to talk about this."
Kara's eyes widened slightly. "Oh, okay." There was another pause. Kara waved a hand vaguely between them. "Is it because of what happened?"
"I don't want to talk about it," Lena repeated, eyes narrowing.
"Why can't we get past this?" Kara huffed, sounding impatient. "I mean, are we going to carry this thing around forever?"
"Forever?" Lena hissed. "It just happened, Kara!"
"It happened three weeks ago!"
Lena could only stare at her in disbelief. She wanted to leave. Kara continued talking.
"You know how a year to a person is like seven years to a dog?"
"Yes?"
Kara threw her hands up, like the connection was obvious to her. Lena closer her eyes in exasperation. "Kara. Is one of us supposed to be a dog in this scenario?"
Kara smiled, clearly aiming for jest. "Yup."
"And who would the dog be?"
"You are."
Lena fisted her hand into the fabric of her dress. "I am? I am the dog?" she hissed, louder.
Kara nodded. "Yeah."
"I'm the dog?!" Lena scowled, voice raising enough for people around them to turn, noticing the intensity of their conversation.
She thought her teeth would crack with the strength of her gritting. She was furious, and hoped the withering glare she sent Kara's way was enough to clue her in to that. Before she could scream at Kara right there on the dancefloor, she rushed behind a large screen that divided the room, knowing Kara was following.
As soon as they were behind it, she tore into her.
"I don't see, that, Kara. If anyone's a dog here, it's you. To you this is something that just happened and you think you can say 'great, it happened, now let's get on with it, we'll go back to the way things were,' like what happened didn't mean anything!"
Lena felt like she was suffocating. People were still looking at them. She rushed to find a door, an exit, anything. Kara followed, looking confusing.
"Lena! I'm not saying it didn't mean anything. I'm just saying... I'm just saying, why does it have to mean everything?"
"Because it does, and you should know that better than anyone, because the minute it happens you walk right out the door!"
She felt Kara's hand trying to reach for her wrist; she yanked it away. "I didn't walk out, I..."
"No," Lena agreed with a scoff. "Sprinted is more like it."
She found a door and went through it; suddenly they were in the kitchens. Lena tried her best to ignore all the waiters and cooks bustling about.
"Lena," Kara panted as she ran to catch up. "We both agreed it was a mistake-"
"The worst mistake I've ever made-"
"It's always the same, it's always the same!" Kara cried as they marched through another door, into a hallway. "It's always the same—the minute you make love with someone the expectations start."
"First of all," Lena whirled to face Kara, angry that her eyes were pooling with tears despite her best efforts. "I'm not just someone. I know you don't play squash or whatever other bullshit you tell those other women. Second of all, I don't expect anything from you, okay?"
"Bullshit! You expect me to know how to behave with you now-"
"You don't have to behave any way with me now, okay?"
"Fine! Fine. But let's get one thing straight, Lena. I did not go over there that night with the intention of making love to you. That's not why I went there." She threw her hands up in the air. "But what was I supposed to do? You looked at me with those big weepy eyes. You were crying. 'Don't go home tonight, Kara, hold me a little longer, Kara,' what was I supposed to do?"
Never in her life had Lena had such a strong urge to slap someone. She suppressed it, but whatever control she had over her tears went out the window.
"What are you saying?" she cried, hating the sob that wracked through her chest. "You took pity on me, is that it? I was just some pity fuck to you? Kara. Fuck. You."
Kara froze, stunned in place. Lena rushed away, running through the first door she could find.
Right in the middle of a toasting crowd.
Kara bumped into her in her rush to follow, and Lena froze as Alex spoke into the microphone at the front as soon as she saw the two of them barging in.
"I want to propose a toast to Kara and Lena!"
The entire crowd of guests turned toward the two of them with expectant eyes. Lena wanted to melt into the floor.
"To Kara and Lena," Alex continued, smiling widely with Sam at her side. "If Sam or I had found either of them even remotely attractive, we would not be standing here today!"
There was a roar of laughter, and at that moment, Sam tossed her bouquet, aiming straight at Lena.
She almost didn't catch it.
Lena made it all the way up to her floor with the Christmas tree. It was a small, bittersweet victory; the top had broken in her struggle, and her hands were blistered and raw. Her arms ached, and she suspected there was not an inch of her that wasn't covered in pine needles.
She had just lugged the thing across her foyer when her answering machine beeped. She slumped onto the floor, pine needles and all, when she heard Kara's voice.
"Hey, it's me. It's the holiday season, and even if this doesn't happen to be my holiday, I thought I might remind you that this is a season of forgiveness and charity... so, if maybe you felt like calling me back it... it would make me a very, very happy person."
She was vacuuming all the pine needles away—the tree wasn't even up yet; it lay limply and semi-destructed behind her couch—when Kara called again. The answering machine beeped.
"Y-ello, it's me again. If you're there, please pick up the phone. I really, really want to talk to you. Please."
There was a long pause. Longer than any Kara could stand, as far as Lena knew.
"Okay. I'll take this as a sign you're not home. Or you are home with that cretin you've been seeing." Another pause. "And if he is there with you, now please understand that, uh, when I say cretin, I mean it in the best possible sense of the word. Honest."
The next time Kara called, Lena was just on the couch. Staring at her ceiling. She barely heard her answering machine.
"Hello? You there? No. No, you're not there. Are you? Okay. Well. Please call me back."
Kara was pacing her apartment, wearing an anxious path onto her rug, holding the phone in her hands and nearly tangling herself up in the chord.
"Obviously she doesn't want to talk to me. What, do I have to be hit over the head?" she muttered to herself. Her voice seemed to echo in her empty apartment. "If she wants to call me, she'll call me. I'm through making a schmuck out of myself."
She slammed the phone on the side table, looking at it as if the contraption had personally insulted her.
"She'll call me if she wants to talk. She'll call. She'll call me."
There was a pause.
With a huff, she picked it up again.
When Lena walked into her apartment, she heard music. It took her a minute to realize it was coming from her answering machine. Kara began to sing over the backing music.
"If you're feeling sad and lonely,
there's a service I can render,
tell the one who loves you only
I can be so warm and tender..."
She walked back out.
The next time, she came in carrying groceries. There was music again.
"Call me, don't be afraid, you can call me."
Lena rolled her eyes.
"Maybe it's late, but just call me, call me and I'll be around." A pause. "Please, Lena. Give me a call."
Lena could only stare at the phone for a long moment. She picked up.
"Hi, Kara."
There was noise on the other side of the line, as if Kara was scrambling.
"Hey! Hi! I... I didn't think you were going to... I mean, hi. What are you doing."
Lena released a breath. "I was just on my way out," she lied.
"Oh, okay, cool. Where you off to?"
"What do you want, Kara?" Lena hissed.
The pause was heavy this time. "Nothing," Kara said quickly. "I just called to say... What are you doing for New Year's? Are you going to the Rojas' party?"
Lena shut her eyes tightly. She did not even want to breathe. Kara continued at her lack of response.
"Do you have a date? 'Cause I don't have a date, and y'know, we always said that if neither of us has a date on New Year's..."
"Kara," Lena interjected through gritted teeth, her hand holding on so tightly to the phone she felt the plastic give. "I can't do this anymore. I am not your consolation prize. Goodbye, Kara."
She hung up.