Summary of Events: Konoha, Suna, and Team Hebi promised to join the Akatsuki in their war if the threat against the Wargonians is proven true. Meanwhile, the Akatsuki meet up in a village near the hideout to discuss their next move.

Chapter Sixty-Six: Love Guru Strikes Again

Rule Number Sixty-Six: Don't ever get drunk around the Love Guru – very bad things happen that you will regret for the rest of your life.

Hannah

"This is ridiculous! The entire world is collapsing – it's a sign of the next apocalypse!"

"Dessie…" I said, wearily. "Just because Tsunade has a bigger chest than you does not mean the world is coming to an end. Accept it."

"Never," she snapped. "At least mine is more sculpted."

"Stop getting side tracked," said Leader. "We actually have something important to discuss… for once…"

"Everything is important with you, Leader," said Dessie, batting her eyelashes. "We're just dying to know what information you have to add… I'm on the edge of my seat – please, please, please don't keep me waiting any longer!"

"You know," said Kisame. "Sarcasm is the lowest form of wit."

"What's more important," said Leader. "Is that those who use sarcasm end up dead… by my hand."

"I like Leader's logic better," said Dessie. "And that was not sarcasm."

"Good. Now," said Leader, turning to address the rest of the Akatsuki. We were all crowded around a table in a bar. Ever since the Akatsuki hideout had been destroyed, we had been forced to resort to little village bars – which, of course, resulted in the issue of trying to stop the Akatsuki from drinking (not that us girls helped with this issue at all).

"Let me get this straight," said Leader. "We managed to get Konoha, Suna, and Team Hebi to say 'yes' and sealed them with the jutsu?"

We all nodded in unison.

"Good. If Suna and Konoha agree, they can convince the rest of the shinobi nations to join our cause as well. They're probably sending people out to ensure that are claims are true. So, there's nothing we can do, but wait until then." Leader surveyed the group wearily. "I need to retire and deal with some last minute work and Konan must come with you. Need I remind you that drinking is forbidden. Anyone who drinks will lose his manhood very, very, very quickly."

"Yes, Leader…"

With a suspicious glance in our direct, Leader and Konan headed upstairs to attempt to make a dent in their endless piles of paperwork. The moment the two of them disappeared from sight, Deidara turned around and said, "So, who's up for a little sake?"

"Here!" said Kakuzu, waving over the waitress.

"That was fast…" I muttered. "I took you two seconds to disobey Leader's order."

"Meh," said Kakuzu. "He knew we were going to get drunk."

"Wouldn't it be great," I said. "To actually listen to Leader's orders for once?"

Everyone laughed.

The waitress returned with sake and the night went to the dogs. I'm not exactly sure who the first one to get drunk was. But after a good quarter of an hour Hidan felt obliged to tell Dessie that he thought her bust was much hotter than Tsunade's and Dessie blushed a lot (a sure sign of alcoholic influences).

"You two are such a pair of love birds," said Deidara, waving his arm about. "I'm jealous."

"You'll find your soulmate soon!" cried Dessie, grasping Deidara by the hands. "And she – or he – will love you with all her – or his – heart!"

"I'm not gay!" wailed Deidara. "I'm far too perverted to be gay!"

"It's true," said Tobi. "Tobi is a good boy – but Deidara-senpai is a bad, bad boy."

"Er…" I glanced at Deidara and said, "I don't really want to know what Deidara has to do to make Tobi think he's a bad boy… I don't even think Tobi knows what bad really means."

"I wouldn't be so sure," said Kakuzu between drinks. "Madara certainly knows what evil is."

Tobi took a quick drink of sake and said, "Yo! Madara doesn't come up into conversations until everyone gets really drunk and can't remember anything the next day!"

"Right," said Kisame, grabbing another bottle of sake. "I can completely agree with that. Drink up!"

I sighed and rested my head on my arms as everyone felt obliged to down another of bottle of sake. At least, I could trust Itachi and Kate to stay sober with me – actually, scratch that. Kisame has convinced Kate to have a little sake as well. He really is a bad influence on her…

"We're hungry…" said Zetsu.

Immediately, everyone scooted away from him. Even drunk the Akatsuki knew very well to avoid a hungry Zetsu. However, they needn't have worried.

"We want cheese," announced Zetsu. He turned to Itachi and asked, "Do you have any cheese?"

"Hn."

"He said yes," said Kisame, as he and Kate collapsed into a pile of erratic giggles.

Zetsu rounded on Itachi and cried, "Give us all your cheese! Now! Give us all your cheese or we'll eat your brains!"

"Dude," cried Dessie. "What is your obsession with cheese?"

"Only when's he's drunk," added Hidan. "Shitty drunks…"

"You're one to talk…" I muttered, though apparently Hidan didn't hear me.

"You want to know what would be funny?" asked Deidara suddenly. He snickered. "You want to know what would be really funny?"

"If we pawned Kisame and Kate's kids?" asked Kakuzu.

"If we sacrificed everyone to Jashin?"

"If we sacrificed everyone to Warg?"

Kisame rolled his eyes. "If we sacrificed the two religious freaks to a third god named–"

"NO!" everyone screamed in unison.

"KISAME!" shouted Deidara. "IF YOU MAKE UP YET ANOTHER FAKE GOD AND HAVE THAT GOD BECOME TRUE I WILL MURDER YOU ON THE SPOT!"

"Sa…na…"

"NO!"

Dessie leapt across the table and pushed Kisame right out of his chair. The two of them went to the floor with a gigantic crash. The Akatsuki rushed to their feet to make sure that no one was bleeding all over the place. Instead, we found ourselves staring at the extremely awkward position that Kisame and Dessie found themselves in.

"Whoa," said Dessie, prodding Kisame's stomach. "You have abs."

"I'm an S-ranked criminal, baby," said Kisame. "Abs is part of the qualifications. Can you imagine a fatass criminal?"

"Ew…"

"Um… Dessie…" said Kate softly. "Would you mind not straddling my boyfriend while he's lying on the ground…?"

Dessie glanced at Kisame, who was sprawled out on his back and then at herself, who was sitting on top of him. Dessie shrugged. "I don't see what the big deal is."

"You're welcome to join us, Kate…" said Kisame.

Her face turned bright red and she decided to bury it in my shoulder so that no one could see. Luckily, Hidan liked seeing Kisame and Dessie tangled up as little as Kate did and he had the decency to pick Dessie up off of Kisame's stomach.

"I knew you were a bitch, but not a whore a well," said Hidan. "Jashin will punish you in the afterlife."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah – all I ever hear from you, jackass, is Jashin this – Jahsin that. I don't care about your god."

"Bitch!" shouted Hidan, causing the entire bar to turn and stare (if they weren't already). "One day you will kneel before the great Jashin and regret all the insults you have spewed out of that heathen mouth of yours!"

"Never!" screamed Dessie, staggering a little. "Never!"

Kisame got to his feet and elbowed Kate in the ribs. She pulled away from me to listen to what he had to say, and Kisame whispered in her ear, "We should pull a Hanetsu on them."

"A Hanetsu?" asked Kate.

"A Hannah and Zetsu… Where two drunks get married."

"Ohh…" A glimmer of joy filled Kate's eyes and I had a sinking feeling that Dessie and Hidan were in for a rough night. Slowly, Kate turned to Kisame and said, "We're going to have a wedding…?"

"No…" I said, rounding on Kisame and Kate. "No wedding."

"But…" said Kisame, a smile working its way onto his face. "The Love Guru is on a mission."

"No."

"Yes."

"No."

"Yes." And with that, Kisame turned around. "Hey! Hidan! Dessie! You two want to get married tonight!"

For a second, no one spoke. Hidan looked at Dessie. Dessie looked at Hidan. Then, they both turned back to Kisame and cried, "Hell, yeah! But we'd better get some decent wedding cake!"

"See?" said Kisame, turning back to me. "I love weddings! Drinks all around!" He made his way across the room to fling his arms around their shoulders and began making wedding plans. "Of course I'll be your best man, Hidan… I couldn't imagine any other way…"

"Yeah…" said Hidan. "Give me another bottle of sake..."

Rule Number Sixty-Six: Don't ever get drunk around the Love Guru…

I slipped across the room to stand by Itachi (the only other sober person around). "Um… shouldn't we do something to stop this?"

"Hn. I didn't stop you and Zetsu from getting married."

I blinked. Once, twice, three times. Then… "You could have stopped me from marrying Zetsu!"

Itachi stared. "Yeah."

"You – you – you – you…"

"Think of this as revenge," said Itachi. "Let others feel your pain."

I glanced in the direction of Dessie and Hidan who were being manipulated by the Love Guru. After a moment's thought, I leaned against the wall beside Itachi and said, "Yeah, I see your point. Now that I think about it, a married Hidan and Dessie would be quite interesting. Imagine their kids…"

"Hn."

The most part of the night was spent preparing Hidan and Dessie for their wedding. Somehow Kisame ended up being the best man and Deidara the maid of honor (alcohol does amazing things – I'm pretty sure Deidara would never do such a thing when sober). Luckily, Kisame didn't have time to buy everyone outfits so Deidara was allowed to continue wearing his Akatsuki robe. Shame… a picture of Deidara in a dress would have made wonderful blackmailing material.

Kisame found a priest willing to marry two drunkards at three in the morning and we all filed into the little church. Kisame placed a staggering Hidan by the alter and Deidara escorted Dessie to wait outside.

Suddenly, Kisame paused and turned to the audience and said, "We need someone to walk Dessie down the aisle."

No one volunteered.

"Fine then. Itachi – it's your job."

"Hn."

Kisame rolled his eyes. "Because you're the only sober guy here and therefore the only one capable of walking in a straight line."

"Hn."

However, much to my surprise, Itachi listened to Kisame and went to the back of the church to escort Dessie down the aisle – maybe he got more enjoyment out of watching the rest of us suffer than I originally thought….

Anyways, eventually everyone got into place and I somehow ended up sitting next to Kakuzu.

"Having fun?' I asked.

Kakuzu snorted. "Serves that asshole right – giving my a migrain all those years…"

Behind us, Tobi burst into tears and started ranting about how 'his little nunu was finally growing up'.

"This is ridiculous…" I muttered, but then the music began and I was forced to shut up.

Kisame and Hidan stood at the alter (Hidan didn't seem to mind that he was getting married in a non-Jahsinist church – or maybe he just didn't realize). Then, the door opened and Deidara walked in, throwing flowers this way and that.

"This is such good blackmail material…" I groaned. "Why isn't there a camera?"

Kakuzu sighed. "Next time we go to a bar, make sure you bring one." A slow grin spread across his face as Deidara came to rest at the front of the church and wiped a tear away from the corner of his eye. "Such good blackmail material…"

"I know…" I groaned.

The music changed and the door of the church opened once again and Itachi entered, escorting Dessie by the arm. Carrying a scruffy bouquet, she giggled and waved, completely out of it after the ridiculous amount of alcohol she had consumed. Half way down the aisle, she stumbled and had to grab hold of Itachi to remain upright.

As Tobi's sobs reached new heights, I leant over and hissed in Kakuzu's ear, "This wedding is so pitiful that I almost want to cry – I hope it wasn't this awful when I married Zetsu…"

"Can't have been," said Kakuzu as he chugged down another bottle of sake that he had taken from the bar. "You and Zetsu were sober enough to organize a wedding on your own. Hidan are Dessie are so drunk that they don't even know they're getting married in a non-Wargonian and non-Jashinist church."

At that moment, the priest walked up to the alter, his bald head shimmering in the dim lighting of the room.

Hidan squinted at him and, after a long thought process, Hidan said, "You're not Jashinist."

"Um…" The priest glanced nervously at Kisame and then back at Hidan. "No, no I'm not…"

Angrily, Hidan rounded on Kisame. "I can't get married in a non-Jashinist church! Heathens! Jashin will smite you all – and me – if the marriage is not consummated under the almighty Jashin-sama!"

"Like hell!" screamed Dessie, throwing her bouquet on the floor. "I want to get married in a Wargonian church! Jashin can go to hell himself – and any other shitty religion you throw at me!"

"Oh dear," said Zetsu. "We fear there may be a religious barrier in this marriage."

"Can't you just get married in a neutral church?" asked Kisame in exasperation. "That way you won't have extensive arguments about religion…"

"NO!"

Dessie cracked her knuckles threateningly and stumbled towards Kisame. "It must be a Wargonian temple…"

"What the hell!" wailed Deidara. "Wargonians are trying to kill us!"

"So what?" said Dessie. "I'm a worshipper of Warg – even if the rest of his subjects are crappy…"

"Can we get on with the wedding?" asked Kisame. "The Love Guru is so close to success…"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"

We froze. Everyone turned in the direction of the door where the scream had come from and we stared, trying to see what was going on outside of the church. An awful silence filled the air and we shifted uncomfortably in our seat, unsure exactly what was going on.

"What the…?"

And right about then was when all hell broke lose, literally. The walls exploded and rubble went flying in all directions. Kakuzu covered my head as a particularly large chunk of wood came flying towards our heads. We recovered from the blow and leap to our feet, looking about wildly. The other Akatsuki were fine, albeit in a little disrepair. Hidan was lying on the floor of the church before the alter with one hand over Dessie's head to protect her (I would say 'how romantic' if I weren't preoccupied with the recent explosion). Kisame was standing beside them, holding up his sword and looking around wildly, he caught sight of Kate, who had been protected by Itachi, and let out a sigh of relief.

"Where did that beautiful explosion come from?"

To no one's surprise, Deidara leapt to his feet and looked about wildly, trying to find the source.

"You mean that wasn't you!" asked Kisame incredulously. "It has to have been you! No one else would blow up a stupid wedding!"

"I wish that explosion of wondrous excellence had belonged to me… Did you not see the fiery tendrils and lashing heat as bits and pieces of debris went flying in all directions and the building was crushed to smithereens – it was beautiful, uhn!"

"Dear Warg…" muttered Kisame. "He's a freak…"

"Um… Kisame-senpai…" said Tobi. He got to his feet and shook off the debris that dirtied his robe. "Tobi has found the bombers."

"Where? What jackass ruined the Love Guru's wedding?"

And then Kisame caught sight of the Wargonians who approached the church, madness and blood thirst in their red, red eyes.