Summary of Events: Konoha, Suna, and Team Hebi promised to join the Akatsuki in their war if the threat against the Wargonians is proven true. Meanwhile, the Akatsuki are in a village near the hideout. Everyone except Leader and Konan decided to celebrate. Almost everyone got drunk and tried to marry Hidan and Dessie - but dun-dun-dun the Wargonians crashed the stupid wedding!

Chapter Sixty-Seven: Love Guru Fails Again

Rule Number Sixty-Seven: Don't mess with an Akatsuki wedding

Dessie

Whoa…

The world is spinning…

Wait a second… Why am I in a church? And why is Hidan lying on the ground next to me? And why the hell are there a bunch of Wargonians surrounding us!

"What the hell… is going on here… Shit. Fuck. Warg dammit."

"Aaaaaaah…" groaned Hidan, rolling away from me and holding his head. "Shit. They just ruined my wedding. What kind of shithead would ruin my wedding! Even if it wasn't in a Jashinist temple, it was my wedding!"

I stagger to my feet and stared blankly at Hidan. "Wedding…?"

"Yeah," said Deidara. "The Love Guru was about to wed you two, but the Wargonians interrupted uhn."

"…"

"Fuck!" screamed Hidan, slamming his fist against the alter which caused the table to promptly shatter. "Don't you dare try and ruin my wedding, you bitches!"

I sighed and turned to face the Wargonians. They were leering at us, clutching their spears and licking their lips hungrily. One of them caught sight of me and, with a malicious smile, he raced forward, preparing to gut me on the spot. However, the Wargonian never got anywhere near me, because, at that moment, Hidan swung his scythe around and lobbed off the Wargonian's head.

"Shitheads! Let's start a riot!"

"Yeah!" screamed Deidara. He pulled some clay out of his side pouch and a maniacal grin crossed his face. "Why don't I show you all what real art is – something you amateurs could never copy with your explosions! Katsu!"

The church exploded again and I ducked behind Hidan and he blocked the debris.

"Deidara!" screamed Kisame, drawing his massive sword and pointing it at the Wargonians. "Try not to blow up the building…"

"It's already in ruins, uhn."

I backed away from Hidan and edged through what remained of the church until I came to stand by Kate. She staggered to her feet, using Itachi as shelter, and quickly flung her arms around my neck.

"Are you okay!" she wailed.

"This is crazy…" I said dizzily. "Crazy…"

"You got that right," muttered Hannah (the only sober person in the room besides Itachi). "The Akatsuki look like they're having fun."

I look over my shoulder and, sure enough, the Akatsuki were having fun. Deidara was laughing and screaming death threats as he blew up every Wargonians within reach and Kakuzu was using his black tentacles for bone breaking. Hidan was shrieking with mirth and he sliced open stomachs, heads, and limbs. Wargonians tried to get a stab at Hidan, but drunk and angry, Hidan was untouchable. Zetsu, at least, managed to appease his hunger and was sitting in the pews, munching on the heads of two dead Wargonians. Around Zetsu, Itachi was slicing up Wargonians after Wargonian with his kunai. Kisame, too, had gone for the slice and dice strategy and was ripping Wargonians to shreds. Even Tobi had joined in the fight, giggling gleefully and crying out "Tobi is a good boy!" as he decapitated Wargonians.

Rule Number Sixty-Seven: Don't mess with an Akatsuki wedding…

"Ah… yeah…" said Kate slowly. "It look real fun…"

I laughed. "Yeah, real fun… bitching good time…"

"You okay, Dessie?" asked Kate nervously.

A wide grin spread across my face. "Yeah – never been better. You want to kick some Wargonian ass?"

Hannah sighed and, out of no where, she whipped out a frying pan. "I guess so."

"Where do you hide that thing?" I asked incredulously. "You don't have nearly enough cleavage."

Hannah rolled her eyes and then swung the frying pan over her shoulder. For a second, I thought she was going to hit me over the head, but the next second there came the ringing sound of metal on skull and a Wargonian crumpled at our feet.

"Asses…" I muttered and then felt obliged to kick the nearest Wargonian in his privates.

Madness. That's how I would describe it. Deidara makes things go boom. Hidan makes things bleed. Kisame rips and Itachi tears. Kakuzu goes all octopusy while Zetsu acts like a crazy, cannibalistic plant. Kate screams and runs away and then Tobi giggles and talks about what bad boys Wargonians are. I make sure that the Wargonians can't ever reproduce and Hannah bashes skulls. Yep. It was madness.

"HOW DARE YOU RUIN THE LOVE GURU!" screamed Kisame and he sliced off three Wargonians legs with a wave of his sword. "I was so close! So close to victory – but NO you moron have to ruin it by blowing up the stupid church! I will kill you all!"

"JASHIN WILL KILL YOU ALL! Pain will flood your lives and eat away at you flesh as Jashin prepares you for eternal torment and suffering in the afterlife! Maggots and flies will feast upon your corpse as Jashin devours your soul!"

"BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!"

"We're hungry…"

"Tobi is a good boy! You are a bad boy! Good boys will kill bad boys!"

"YOU ARE ALL A SHAME TO WARG! How dare you murder his follower! Feel that? That's pain! The pain of losing your future children and the pain of being a little less manly – shitheads!"

"WHY IS EVERYONE I KNOW CRAZY AS HELL!"

SLAM!

Everyone froze. And with good reason. Even the Wargonians who had never met Leader knew to fear him. With all his piercings and his bright orange hair, Leader stood in the ruins of the church doorway and glowered at the wreck before him. To his left stood Konan and to his right was Tsunade, both woman look scandalized at the sight before them.

"Oh crap…" muttered Kisame. "We're dead." He patted the Wargonian nearest to him on the shoulder and said, "It was nice knowing you buddy."

"Did I not tell you…" said Leader. "That drinking is forbidden? And now, I find you not only drunk, but also about to marry Hidan and Dessie – and in the middle of a brawl with Wargonian forces."

"I can explain," said Kisame.

Leader stared.

"Um… on second thought, no I can't. Never mind…"

I rolled my eyes. "Real helpful, Kisame."

"I thought we were getting competent allies," said Tsunade. "Not a mob of drunken shinobi."

"They're not usually this…drunk…" said Leader.

"What are talking about?" asked Deidara. "We're always this crazy! Katsu!"

One of the Wargonian's faces exploded and everyone seemed to remember that we were in the middle of a fight. I spun around and punched the nearest Wargonian in the face.

"You will all die."

I don't really remember what happened next, but one moment, we were fighting the Wargonians and then – Pain appeared, in multitude, and started killing. And then, suddenly, we were standing in a room with a bunch of dead bodies – and a very, very pissed of Leader.

"Heh… heh…" Kisame laughed and kicked one of the dead Wargonian bodies. "I told you…"

"I am going to kill you all," said Leader icily.

"You can't kill me," pointed out Hidan. "I'm immortal."

"Then I will rip you to pieces and burry you in a gigantic pit and leave you there to rot!"

"Yeah," said Kakuzu somewhat cheerfully. "Do us all a favor."

"Shut up, Kakuzu!"

"Um…" Tsuande looked around. "As much as I would love to see Leader murder all of you – don't forget that Wargonian reinforcements are on their way…"

"WHAT!"

"There's more!"

Tsunade nodded grimly. "We have confirmed the existence of the – er – vast Wargonian army and have agreed to join forces."

"Yeah…" I said. "Now would be a good time to run…"

And then I fainted.

My brain hurts. My arm hurts. My other arm hurts. My leg hurts. My other leg hurts. My chest hurts. My little left pinkie finger hurts. And so does the right one. I hurt – a lot. A real lot.

"Owwwww…"

"Lie still. You must have a massive hangover."

"Yay…" I groaned. "I just love massive hangovers." Slowly, I opened my eyes and found my vision blinded by an overwhelming wave of pink. There was only one person in this world I know who has pink hair. "What do you want, you bitching loudmouth with a flat chest."

"Great way to thank me, especially since I've been helping you all night, trying to fix your stupid hangover, you drunkard."

"I like being a drunkard. It makes life more fun."

"Yeah, especially when you get attacked by Wargonians in the middle of your wedding."

"Wedding?"

Sakura raised an inquisitive eyebrow. "You really don't remember?"

"What wedding…?" My eyes widened. "I'm not… married, am I?"

A small smile flickered at Sakura's lips and my heart missed a beat. But she simply said, "The Wargonians interrupted before Hidan and you could get married. You have your friend…Kisame to thank for that…"

My eyes darkened. "The Love Guru…"

"What?"

"Nothing. See, there is a god – Warg knew I should never marry that foul Jashinist and he sent Wargonians troops to stop the wedding."

"Er… and then the Wargonians troops tried to kill you…"

I shrugged and rubbed my forehead wearily. "I'm alive… for now…"

"Good. Because, as much as I hate you, we need you alive. Konoha, Suna, Hebi, and the Akatsuki are going to war… together… against the Wargonians. And, according to Pain, you are a worshipper of Warg."

"Yep. And who is Pain?"

Sakura looked at me oddly. "The guy with orange hair and piercings…"

"Oh yeah…" I said and then laughed. "Leader. We only know him as Leader." I sat up in bed and was immediately welcomed by a rush of a hangover. "Urg… not cool…"

"Because getting drunk is," muttered Sakura.

"Hell yeah." I grinned, but it slowly faded and instead I asked, "So what happened?"

"Well… the Akatsuki was staying in a village near their hideout – however, the Wargonians used that as the first point of attack… After confirming the existence of the Wargonians, Tsuande and her guard met up with you in the village, but we were – of course – met by Wargonians. We're now in Suna, waiting for the War Council."

"Oh… fun…"

The door to the room opened and I looked up to see Kisame and Kate walking in. They caught sight of me and grinned. Kate bounced across the floor to fling her arms around my neck crying, "You're alive!"

"No, Kate," I said, wincing in pain. "I'm dead."

Kate gasped. "You mean… you're a…zombie!"

Stare. Stare. Stare.

"Yeah, sure Kate. I'm a zombie risen from the grave. I decided to take a leaf out of Hidan's book and become immortal. Pretty badass, huh?"

Kisame rolled his eyes. "Whatever you say."

"You."

Kisame looked about me and then at Sakura, and then back to me. He shifted uncomfortably. "What…?'

"You."

"What…?"

"You tried to make me marry Hidan!" I scream, and then winced. "Why the hell would I marry that son-of-a-bitch? Besides, we could never agree on a church to be married in. Unless one of us converted – and I don't see myself converting to Jashinism any time soon."

"Hey," said Kisame, raising his hands in defense. "When I asked last night both of you wee totally up for it. I even go a 'hell, yeah' in response."

"Whoa… Did Hidan and Dessie get married?"

We all turned to see the blond fur ball and Hannah walking in through the door. Deidara was looking around wildly, trying to detect if anyone was lying. However, when he realized that everyone was dead serious, Deidara's jaw dropped to the floor and he stared. "No way… Why can't I remember any of this!"

"I wish I could too…" I muttered.

Hannah smirked. "Trust me, Fur Ball, you don't want to remember nay of it. I vaguely remember that you were the maid of honor."

My eyes widened. "What! Deidara! My maid of honor! What is this ridiculousness? I have better friends than him!"

Both of a cringed as I raised my voice, then, with his hands clasped over his ears, Deidara said, "Yeah… I didn't wear a dress… did I?'

Hannah grinned.

"No…"

Her smile widened.

"Hannah… Don't you dare… You didn't take a picture, uhn!"

A villainous smile crossed her face and she cackled evilly.

"Don't play with him, Hannah," said Kisame wearily. "You forgot the camera at the hideout when we were attacked by the Wargonians and we didn't have time to buy dresses – and Kakuzu gave us a budget."

"Aw, Kisame," she said, her smile vanishing. "I was just having some fun."

Deidara breathed a sigh of relief and slumped back in relief. "Whew. Thank you, Kakuzu."

I rubbed my forehead and groaned. "Kisame… As soon as my hangover goes away, I am going to murder you."

Kisame grinned. "You and Hidan both – think of it as a couple's activity."

I leapt from my bed with my arms outstretched, and grabbed Kisame by the throat. He collapsed to the ground with me on top, throttling him with all the strength I have left.