Summary of Events: After being attacked by Wargonians, the Akatsuki is now in Suna awaiting the War Council.

Chapter Sixty-Eight: Old and New Friends

Rule Number Sixty-Eight: Never go out into public with Kisame

Kate

Hello, dear readers. I realize it has been a long time since I've talked to you, and now I feel obliged to start with a fond 'hello'. You see after a week of hanging out in Suna avoiding Leader and his various punishments (such as pushing Hidan out of a six story window, locking Kisame in a daycare center with a bunch of five year old children, and using Deidara as target practice for the little kids in the training academy). Leader had still not forgiven us for getting drunk and trying to wed Hidan and Dessie even though he gave us multiple warnings. Now, our new allies think the Akatsuki is a joke… oops.

"I'm bored…"

"Dessie…" said Hannah. "Shut up."

The three of us – Hannah, Dessie, and I – were sitting outside Suna in the shade of the Great Wall which surrounded the city. We were waiting for the embassies from other countries to arrive. So far, the Raikage of the Land of Lightning had arrived as well as the Tsuchikage from the Land of Earth. The three of us had been there to greet the parties, though we didn't see any one familiar.

"It's hot," said Dessie. "And I'm going to get tan."

"Don't you want to get tan?" asked Hannah.

"I'd look awful tan," said Dessie. "I prefer being pale – like a sexy vampire."

"Great…" muttered Hannah. "Why don't you just marry Hidan and you two can become a vampire-zombie couple. Think of all the headaches you'd save us too."

Dessie rolled her eyes. "Or the headaches we'd make. Consider all the couples arguments we'd get into. The headaches… just waiting… the pain… the screaming … every single morning…"

"Okay, you made your point," grumbles Hannah. "I would hate it if you and Hidan got together. Hate each other for the rest of your miserable lives."

"Good."

"Hannah!" I cried. "What about all our efforts to finally get Hidan and Dessie together!"

She shrugged. "Why do I care?"

"Um… well… Because Dessie's our friend and we care about her future happiness?" I suggested.

Hannah laughed.

"It's nice to see you care so much about my future happiness," said Dessie, though she was grinning as well.

"I'm I the only one who cares?" I asked.

"Yeah, pretty much," said Dessie.

"Hey…" said Hannah, jerking her thumb in the direction of the desert. "Konoha has arrived."

"Really?"

Dessie and I twisted around and turned to see the seven Konoha representatives headed our way. I squinted and could make out the figures of Tsunade, Jiraiya, Kakashi, Naruto, Sai, a black haired woman, and Ibiki. As they approached, Dessie got to her feet and waved about wildly.

"Hey! Over here!"

The Konoha party slowed to a halt beside us. Jiraiya seemed quite happy to see Dessie and his wiggled his eyebrows and grinned suggestively. Dessie chose to ignore him and gave Kakashi a gigantic hug.

"Oh… hi there…" he said, stepping away from her as quickly as possible.

"Hey, Mysterious-Hottie," said Dessie cheerfully. "I missed your divine face – there was nothing so beautiful to look as while you were away."

Naruto stared at Dessie incredulously. "You can't even see Kakashi's face. For all you know he could be as ugly as a baboon's ass…"

Dessie smiled and gave Naruto a hug too. "Silly, Sunshine-Hottie. I don't need to see the face to know if someone's hot. I have Hottie-Tacking devices in my head and the device goes off like a siren every time I get near Mysterious-Hottie. He is simply divine."

"Oh…" Naruto edged away from Dessie.

"Hey, Ibiki," said Hannah. She hopped down from her seat on the wall and patted Ibiki on the back. Hannah was smiling, however, Ibiki looked terrified. Apparently he remembered all too clearly the time when Hannah threatened him.

"Are you sober this time?" Tusnade asked.

Dessie grinned. "Leader has tortured us into sobriety. I shall no drink – at least for a week or so until Leader forgets this ever happened… Then we'll probably all go out drinking."

Tsunade looked torn – as if she was debating between punching the living daylights out of Dessie or laughing. In the end, she compromised and punched Dessie 'lightly' on the shoulder and chuckled softly. "I guess I can understand someone who appreciates alcohol."

Dessie smiled and nodded, rubbing her shoulder where Tsunade had punched her.

"Hey, it's Donkey-Girl, Bitch, and Cutie," said Sai.

Immediately, I felt my face turn a bright shade of red and I turned away so that no one could see. Kisame would murder Sai if he knew I was blushing like this.

"I object to being called Donkey-Girl…" muttered Hannah.

"I think it suits you well," said Dessie as she dodged Jiraiya. "So, you guys looking forward to the War Council?"

Tsunade raised a quizzical eyebrow and said, "I don't think we're looking forward to it, but…anticipating it, yes. It should be interesting."

"We'll be there too," said Dessie. "Though Leader has forbidden us from talking out of turn. The punishment is… unspeakable." The three of us shuddered at the mention of Leader's death threats.

"That bad?" asked Naruto.

We nodded in unison.

"It can't be worse than Hannah's threats…" muttered Ibiki.

We laughed. "Of course they can. Leader is the master of horror."

"None of you could spend two minutes in a room with him when he was angry," said Hannah. "Guts and vital organ and brain matter and bones and…" She shuddered. "It's awful. I get nightmares."

"Me too!" cried Dessie. "It's some scary shit."

"Well," said Tsunade. "We'll have to witness some of Leader's death threats ourselves. But first, we have to greet the Kazekage."

"Okay!" I said. "He's in his office."

"Yeah… We kind of figured."

The Konoha party passed by and Hannah, Dessie, and I returned to our seats in the shade. We lay there for a moment, soaking up the sun (or, in Dessie's case, avoiding it). I lay against the rough sand wall and let the warmth soak against my face. I closed my mind and let my mind drift off…

"Ow…'

Someone kicked me in the ribs and – after being jolted awake from my nap – I rolled over grumpily. "What do you want?"

"Hey, baby," said Kisame, sitting on the ground beside me.

A smile worked its way onto my face and I cuddles up against Kisame's side. "Hi. Not can I go back to sleep? I was having a very pleasant dream…"

"About me?"

I grinned. "No. It was about birds in the sky with a bunch of fluffy clouds. And I was flying up with them… It was nice… And then suddenly a giant blue foot came from nowhere and kicked me right out of the sky."

"Aw," said Kisame, ruffling my hair fondly. "The giant blue foot apologizes."

"Good."

"Hey, bitch! Why are you avoiding me!"

I squinted and, through my eyelashes, I could see Hidan chasing Dessie around the desert ground, trying to catch her. She was clearly avoiding him, and, whenever he did manage to catch her, she would punch him in the stomach and hurry away.

"Bitch! Bitch! Dessie!"

"No!" she snapped. "If you come anywhere near me, the Love Guru is going to try and make us get married again! You come any where near me and I'll make sure the Love Guru marries you to Tobi!"

Kisame sighed. "The Love Guru was not meant to be used as a threat…"

"Bitch!" shouted Hidan. He leapt over Kakuzu's sleeping body and caught hold of Dessie's wrist. "Don't avoid me, bitch!"

"Why not?"

Silence stretched between them. I glanced around to see if everyone looked as awkward as I felt. Kakuzu was lying on the ground next to Hannah and Deidara sat by Hannah's head, making a clay sculpture. They all seemed rather unconcerned with the fact that Hidan and Dessie were having a totally romantic moment.

"Oh, hey," said Deidara suddenly. "Team Hebi has arrived."

Everyone turned around and we saw the four members of Team Hebi making their way through the desert towards us. Dessie let out a squeal of delight and sprinted across the desert to plant a kiss – smack – on Sasuke's lips.

"Scratch what I said about a romantic moment…" I muttered.

Kisame grinned and wrapped an arm around my shoulders. "They'll get married one day – hopefully when they're sober and know what they're doing."

"Hopefully."

"Hey! Shithead!" shouted Hidan, snatching Dessie out of Sasuke's reach. "I'll kill you! Jashin-sama would love to devour your wretched soul!"

"Take her," said Sasuke. "The farther away from me she is the better."

Karin grinned and stuck her tongue out at Dessie, who then flipped Karin off in return.

"Oh, catfight," said Kakuzu. "Ten bucks on Dessie."

"There's no way I'm taking that bet," said Hannah. "At least bet on something less one-sided."

"I can beat this bitch's ass any time!" screamed Karin.

Everyone looked at her skeptically and then Hannah and Kakuzu returned to their betting argument. Deidara laughed and put the finishing touches on his bird sculpture. He stopped, glanced up, and grinned, "Something is going to go boom, uhn."

"Crazy…" muttered Hannah.

"Meh," said Dessie. "Craziness is natural. I mean, Mini-Hottie is crazy – but he's still a sexy boy." She giggled and Hidan started carrying Dessie away from Sasuke, scowling and cursing.

"Where's Itachi?"

There was a community sigh as everyone present turned to stare at Sasuke.

"What is with your mad obsession with Itachi?" asked Kisame. "Are you two having incest or something?"

Dessie screamed. "No! Hotties cannot be gay!"

"I happen to know plenty of gay Hotties," said Hannah. "There's nothing wrong with it." She turned to Sasuke. "Though there are issues with incest."

"I am not gay! And I don't do anything with Itachi!" shrieked Sasuke. "I want to kill him! Kill! Not kiss! Kill!" [though the author has been known to make such typos – oops] "Why does everyone think I am attracted to the very brother who killed my whole clan!"

"I think we hit a sore spot…" said Deidara cheerfully. "So what kind of perverted things do you two do in bed, uhn?"

"Nothing! Unless it involves a kunai to his throat!"

Kisame cackled villainously and clapped his hands together. "So you're into the S and M stuff… I always thought that Itachi would be the sadist, but I guess I could see it the other way around…"

I thought Sasuke was going to explode from rage and embarrassment. I reached out a hand and touched Kisame's shoulder, warning him to stop. Reluctantly, he did, but that didn't mean Deidara and Hannah had to. They continued to grill him about incest until, finally, Sasuke took out chidori and Deidara and Hannah decided it was time to go bother Leader.

"Well that was entertaining," said Suigetsu.

"Hey, Snow-Hottie," said Dessie, waving from behind Hidan. Hidan then kicked her in the shins and she fell to the ground.

"What the hell was that for!" she screamed, leaping to her feet. "I was just saying 'hi'!"

"What are you talking about?" asked Hidan. "I was simply stretching my leg and you happened to be in its path."

"Shithead!"

Dessie leapt onto Hidan's back – skillfully avoiding his scythe – and started pulling at his silver hair. Hidan yelled and struggled to throw her off. Over and over again, he cried, "Not the hair! Don't mess up the hair!"

"You have no idea how long he spends in the bathroom trying to get that thing in place," muttered Kakuzu.

"I thought you didn't go in the bathroom," I said.

"I don't. There's blood everywhere and the bathtub has rotting bodies in it."

Karin wrinkled her nose. "Ew. What kind of freak as rotting bodies in his bathtub?"

There came a chorus of "Hidan", but the subject did not hear his name, since he was too busy throwing Dessie into the wall and drawing his scythe in preparation of severing her head. Dessie leapt to her feet at the last second, kicked Hidan between the legs, and prepared to run – however, Hidan brought the scythe slashing down over her head, barely missing by inches (and we all know he missed on purpose).

"What the hell!" shrieked Dessie. "You could have killed me!" (well, all of us except one person…)

"Why didn't her attack on your manly bits affect you?" asked Kakuzu curiously.

Hidan grinned proudly. "I have built up an immunity!"

"Dessie…" I said slowly. "How many times did you kick him…there…?"

She shrugged. "Enough for him to build up an immunity apparently."

Kisame cringed and protected his own manly bits. "For once in my life, Hidan, I feel pity for you… Not even a sadomasochist wants that…"

"Hold on," said Dessie. She walked over to Hidan and stared into his eyes. For a moment, she just stared at him and he stared back. Then, she drew back her leg and kicked him right between the legs.

Hidan screamed.

"Nope, the immunity was short lasted."

Sasuke cringed, his eye twitching slightly. "I'm almost glad she considers me a Hottie…"

"It does have its perks," agreed Suigetsu.

Dessie smiled proudly and Kisame rolled his eyes. "That's not something to be proud of, Dessinator."

"Dessinator?" she asked.

"Yeah. It's my new nickname for you – I think it's badass enough. Out of The Dess, Desswolf, Count Dessula, and Desswoman, I thought the Dessinator was the best."

I elbowed Kisame in the ribs and smiled. "Do I have a nickname?"

Kisame grinned. "Yes, but nothing I can utter in public."

My face turned bright red, while Dessie laughed and said, "Kisame – since when have you cared about what the public thought of you?"

"Never," said Kisame proudly.

Rule Number Sixty-Eight: Never go out into public with Kisame – who knows what kind of twisted, perverted stunt he is planning to pull?

"So wait…" said Karin. "Are Shark Boy and Lava Girl dating?"

"Lava Girl…?" I asked.

Everyone else burst into laughter while I sat next to Kisame and tried to puzzle out my new nickname. Finally, Dessie put me out of m misery and explained how "lavaish my face is whenever someone mentions sex, drugs, and rock 'n' roll". Needless to say, my face was very lavaish.

Suddenly, a dark shadow crossed Sasuke's face. I felt a chill run up my spine since it was no secret exactly what gave Sasuke such a pinched up, angry face. Slowly, I looked over my shoulder and saw Itachi standing in front of the wall. Sasuke was glaring at Itachi, while Itachi successfully ignored Sasuke and looked cool simultaneously.

"Restrain him!" cried Karin.

Juugo reached out one arm and wrapped it around Sasuke's chest. Sasuke struggled against Juugo's grasp, but before Sasuke could break away, Suigetsu brought the flat side of his sword crashing down on the side of Sasuke's skull. Poor Sasuke's eyes rolled back in his head and he crumpled to the ground, unconscious.

"You forget," said Suigetsu. "If we kill Itachi – we all die. And I really like my life."

Dessie nodded. "I like Snow-Hottie better alive."

Juugo lifted Sasuke up off the ground and slumped the body over his shoulder. With a nod in Itachi's direction, Team Hebi walked through the entrance way into Suna. We watched them go with slight amusement on our faces. Then, suddenly, Kakuzu asked, "Itachi, what are you doing here anyways?"

"Hn."

"He says that Leader sent him," translated Kisame.

"Why?" I asked, sitting up straight.

"Hn."

Kisame grinned. "Because the War Council is about to start, and Leader says that if any one is late he will rip off their balls and turn the Akatsuki into an organization of eunuchs – which will probably be better for the world – can you imagine us having kids?"

"So then Kate and I are safe?" said Dessie. "Since we're already ball-less."

"Hn."

Kisame laughed. "He says Leader doesn't care if it's manly bits or womanly bits – he'll rip them all off."

With that, Dessie leapt to her feet. "Not my beautiful chest!"