Today was one of those summer days in Portland where the weather was unbelievably hot. I was sitting on my back porch with Ellie, both of us wearing nothing but bikini tops and short shorts as we let the sunrays warm our skin.

Ellie was complaining about being a "pale face" and complaining even more when she realized that my skin had gotten even darker since the summer started. I brushed my hair out of my face, which had grown immensely since I had moved out here, and laughed at her worries.

"I'm serious!" She complained, flipping the page of her magazine. "You get to be tan all of the time. Do you understand all of the melanoma I'm soaking up here trying to get bronze? You're not going to be laughing when I develop skin cancer."

I rolled my eyes at her. "Drama queen."

We continued to joke around for a few minutes, and that's when I heard him. "Kim," He spoke from behind me. I stopped laughing immediately and my hands stiffened.

It was the second week of July, and I had been avoiding Paul. I hadn't seen him since my graduation in June and that was almost a month ago. When he called me twice to make plans to come up, I had managed to stumble out some poorly concocted lie and hang up before I accidentally blew the truth.

I didn't want to see him. And he knew why.

And yet, here he was, standing behind me without warning. Ellie, unlike me, was ecstatic. "Paul!" She exclaimed, stumbling out of her chair and throwing her arms around his waist in greeting.

"Hey snowflake." He greeted her back, grinning down at her.

She looked around his giant frame and burrowed her eyebrows together. "Hello, I'm Ellie. Who are you?"

My eyes flew to Paul, who had the decency to look guilty. He had brought someone with him? Who? My mind wander to him, but I knew Paul wouldn't do that to me. So I threw on my shirt and marched over, past Paul's large body and to where the mysterious guest was standing.

My eyebrows flew up in surprise. "Sam?" I asked curiously. He was the last person I expected to be here.

He smiled at me politely, looking the same but somehow different. "Kim. It's good to see you." After I got over my initial shock, I realized I hadn't seen Sam in over a year. I got over my initial shock and jogged over to give him a welcoming hug. Sam and I had never been best friends, but he was the pack leader, which meant he was my leader and I loved him all the same. Well, at least he used to be my leader.

"What are you guys doing here?" I asked innocently.

The two of them shared a look. "You know why were here, dumbass." Paul retorted and Sam gave him a stern look. "Ellie, why don't you come inside with me? It's been a long journey and I'm starving." He said, leading her away purposefully.

Sam turned back to me. "Why don't you put on your flip-flops and take a walk with me?" He asked. I knew that the question was just to be polite and while I would have rather not, I had no choice. So I just nodded, slipped on my shoes and fell into a long stride with him.

We walked in silence for a minute. He stared straight ahead, and I played with a loose thread on my shirt. Finally, he spoke. "Kim, you know why I'm here. There's no sense skirting around the subject."

"I know." I said guiltily. "I'm sorry. To you and Emily both."

"She's hurt by your rejection. And when Emily is hurt, I'm hurt. She hasn't seen you in over a year. She loves you, and she misses you." Sam stopped walking and stared at me. "I'm not asking you to stay. I'm just asking you to considering coming. For our wedding. For Emily."

Having this conversation was hard enough, but knowing that eventually it would be on replay for the entire pack to see was downright humiliating. So when the tears welled up in my eyes, I had to turn away. I hadn't talked about it for almost a year. "I don't know if I can go back there." I whispered.

"Kim," He said seriously. "I know better than anyone how Jared is feeling right now. He hurt you, and he hates himself everyday because of it. To live with the guilt is hard enough but knowing that he drove you away and not being able to see you is killing him. He made a mistake."

I shook my head. "It's not the same. You would never hurt Emily on purpose. It was an accident and you love her. Jared made a choice."

"Please, don't get me wrong. I am not condoning what Jared did. It was inexcusable, not only because he betrayed his soul mate but also because he betrayed you. Jared is my brother and I will always love him, but I consider you family too, Kim. He hurt you, and that's not okay with me." Sam's voice is hard. "That is why I put the injunction on him. So that you could make your own choices. And I still want that for you. But I think that coming ho- I mean, coming to La Push will be good for you. And seeing him will be good for both of you."

His words touched me, but they didn't convince me. "I still don't know…"

"It can't be easy being here. Being away from him. That pain in your chest? The ache in your stomach? That empty feeling? Does it get worse as the days go on? I can feel it right now, being away from Emily. But I know that I'll see her again tomorrow. But for you, the pain is endless. Can you feel it?"

"Sometimes it's unbearable." I finally let myself admit out loud. "There are days where I lay in bed awake all night, trying to shake the feeling and trying to ease the pain. Sometimes I have to excuse myself to the bathroom and I curl up and cry until the ache finally becomes manageable. I think about coming back almost every day, just so that it's easier. But it will never be easy. Being away from him will never be easy but being with him would be the hardest thing. He hurt me so bad and I hate that I can't live without him. It kills me."

His eyes are sad for me and in a moment of pure brotherliness, he reaches across and wipes the tears that I didn't realize had fallen from my cheeks. "I know you miss home." He says, finally calling it home like I knew he wanted to earlier. "Everyone wants you back, Kim. Seeing you only once every three weeks is not enough for Paul, and I don't think it ever will be. Emily has Rachel now, but she misses you. And Quil says Claire has been asking about you non-stop. She's four now, you know. Just starting kindergarten."

My heart aches for everything that I've been missing. "I'm not coming back." I say, and his eyes fall in resignation but he keeps a stone face as he nods once. "Not for good. I'll stay for one week."

Sam lets out one loud, relieved laugh before he throws me up into the air and hugs me. I don't remember ever seeing him so happy. "You have no idea how much this will mean to Emily. And to me." He smiles down at me.

Despite my worries, I smile back at him. We've turned back and have reached my house, where Paul and Ellie are sitting on the front porch talking. When they spot us, Paul stands up with a hard look on his face. "Kimberly Anne Spencer, if you ever lie to me again I will tie you up and I will bring you home with me where you cant avoid me. Do you understand?" He says angrily.

Ellie rolls her eyes from beside him. "Don't get your panties in a bunch, Paulina." She mutters.

I notice Paul's hands are shaking. Ellie's comment had just tipped him over the edge. He has learned to control his temper, but occasionally he slips up. So I walk over to him and I place my hands on his trembling forearms, ignoring Sam's faint protest behind me. "Paul, just breathe. Control your temper and remember…" I pause. "It's okay to just admit that you missed me. We're past all that." And then I wink at him.

His anger ebbs away and he mutters, "Shut up." As he turns and storms into the house, I just laugh.

"Crazy bastard." Ellie mumbles. "I don't know how you deal with him all the time."

I just smile at her. No one quite gets Paul like I do, except for Rachel. "Sam, come inside and stay for dinner before you go. I won't let you go home hungry." I usher him inside and Ellie trails in last.

Both my mother and aunt are ecstatic to see Paul again and they nearly smother him with affection as Lakota chats off Sam's ear. After he manages to escape her endless chatter, he calls Emily to let her know that he'll be home late and not to wait up for him. I can hear her excited voice over the phone and I don't hesitate when he offers the phone to me.

"Hi Emily." I say with affection. It had been so long since I had heard her voice, and I always forget how much I missed her until I actually talk to her.

"Oh Kim," She gushes. "You don't know how wonderful it is to hear your voice. Thank you so much for agreeing to come to my wedding. It means so much to me." I can tell she's crying by the way her voice hitches. "It just feels so incomplete without you here."

I smile sadly. "I know, Em. It'll be nice to see you. I'm going to let you go, thanks for letting me monopolize your husband for the evening. I'll talk to you soon." I end the call and pass the phone back to Sam, who can't keep the grin off his normally stoic face. "You're welcome." I say before he can thank me again. "Now come on, dinner is ready."

Dinner is nice, like it always is with Paul here. I sit on his right, leaning away as he shovels in food and I laugh every time Sam scolds him. My mom makes conversation with Sam and by the way she looks at him, I feel like she knows more than I thought she did. I don't ask though and I keep up a friendly banter with Ellie over how I suck at mashing potatoes. I occasionally catch Sam glancing towards my aunt, who is eating with one hand and feeding my cousin with another. He's been trying to feed himself lately, but it's usually with his fingers and it ends up all over everything and everyone, so it's better for all of us if she spoon feeds him.

I can tell he's thinking about Emily and the family they are about to start together and I bite my lip and stare down at my food. "Can I be excused?" I ask my mom as my stomach starts to churn and I race upstairs to the bathroom before I throw up my dinner into the toilet.

I know both Sam and Paul can hear me throwing up, so I choke down the heaves and moans that I admit. Once I'm done, I rinse my face with cold water and I take deep breaths. Why on earth did I agree to this? I hated this nervous feeling and the way my pulse raced when I thought about going back and seeing him. After being away for so long, the voices of most of the pack, other than Paul, whom I saw on a regular basis, had started to fade away. I couldn't remember how they sounded.

But not him. Never him. His voice rang clear like bells in my head. His face was fresh in my memory. My heart missed him so much and I hated myself for it.

By the time I composed myself enough to go downstairs, everyone had finished eating. Uncle Robert was doing the dishes while my Aunt went to put Jackson down for bed. My mother had retreated off to give Lakota a bath and Ellie, Paul and Sam were seated in the living room.

Ellie looked at me concerned. "Are you alright, Kim? You don't look so good."

I nod in reassurance. "Just feeling a little sick, that's all." I wedge myself between her and Paul on the sofa and I feel Paul squeeze my hand in comfort. I smile softly at him as Sam announces that it's time for them to go.

I hug them both, Paul holding me a little tighter than he usually would and then I step back. "I'll see you in a little over a week, Kim." Sam says and then he nods at me.

I nod back, swallowing my nerves. The wedding was set for the 30th, and because Emily wanted me to be a bridesmaid, I was expected there on the 25th to help finish up the last arrangements. Paul was going to deliver my dress to make sure it fit in a couple of days.

I waved at Sam's truck as it drove away and stepped back into the house quietly. This was actually happening.

The chest aches came out with a vengeance that night. I lay in bed, gripping the sheets with my cold, clammy hands until the sun broke across the horizon. It wasn't until seven thirty in the morning that it died down enough for me to close my eyes.

When noon came and my mother knocked on my door to check on me, I told her I wasn't feeling well and she just nodded and closed the door. I stayed buried in my blankets all day, in my warm cocoon. I felt safer there, like the outside world didn't exist and nothing could ever hurt me.

But it did exist, and eventually I had to go back out there. But not today. Today I would spend my life curled up here, alone and safe.

I would face everything else tomorrow.