Chapter 110: Family Feud

Waynes vs Queens

(There's no POV in this chapter)

"I'm your host, Steve Harvey and it's time to play Family Feud: Celebrity Edition!"

Audience claps and cheers.

"Tonight, we have the Wayne family of Gotham competing against the Queen family of Star City. The family that wins will donate their winnings to their selected charity! So let's meet our two families. First up is the Wayne Family!"

Steve heads over to Bruce and shakes his hand.

"How are you, Bruce?"

"I'm doing well." Bruce replies.

"Introduce the rest of your family to the audience."

"These are my sons: Richard, Jason, Timothy, and Damian. And finally, this is Alfred, my adopted father."

Audience claps and cheers before Steve heads over to meet the Queens.

"And how are you, Oliver?"

"Fine. How are you, Steve?"

"I can't complain. Introduce us to your family."

"This is my wife Dinah. Then we have three of our children: Roy, Artemis, and Mia. And finally, my mother-in-law, Dinah."

"Alright. Let's play Family Feud! Give me Bruce! Give me Oliver!"

Bruce and Oliver head over and shake hands.

Steve reads, "Alright here we go. We surveyed 100 men. The top five answers are on the board. Name a place where you would willingly take your mother-in-law."

Ollie hits the buzzer first.

"Her funeral!"

"Did you not just say that your mother-in-law was right over there?" Steve asks.

"Well… It's nothing against my mother-in-law. Other people might have said it."

"Alright then… Her funeral!" Steve announces.

Answer shows up as the top fourth answer.

Steve looks at Bruce and says, "Alright Bruce, name a place where you would willingly take your mother-in-law."

"Out to dinner."

Answer shows up as the top second answer.

"That was the number two answer. Do you wanna pass or play?"

"We're going to play, Steve."

Bruce takes his place and Steve heads over to Richard.

"Richard, tell me something about yourself."

"I was valedictorian of Gotham Academy and I now attend Gotham University."

"That's good. Name a place where you would willingly take your mother-in-law."

"I'm gonna say out to a circus."

An X pops up on the screen as all the fangirls in the audience cry.

"Alright Jason, name a place where you would willingly take your mother-in-law."

"A bar."

"And how old are you?"

"Eighteen. I mean, I have to listen to her bitch about me all night, I might as well be drunk."

"Uh huh… To a bar!"

An X pops up on the screen as Steve moves down to Tim.

"And how old are you?"

"Twelve."

"Twelve! I mean, of course you are. I was definitely not thinking seven. Anyway, name a place where you would willingly take your mother-in-law."

"To her house."

Answer shows up as the number one answer. Audience claps and cheers.

"Damian, you have to be careful. Your family has two strikes. If you miss, the Queen family can steal. Name a place where you would willingly take your mother-in-law."

"A retirement home."

Answer shows up as the top fifth answer. Audience claps and cheers.

"Alfred, for the win, name a place where you would willingly take your mother-in-law."

"To see a film."

"To see a movie!" Steve shouts as the answer shows up on the screen.

Audience claps and cheers.

"Alright the Wayne family cleared the board! Give me Dinah! Give me Richard!"

Audience claps and cheers as the two shake hands and get ready.

"Answers are doubled this round. We surveyed 100 married women. The top four answers are on the board. Name something your husband wears to bed."

Dinah yells out, "Nothing!"

Answer shows up as the number one answer. Audience claps and cheers.

"I'm assuming that's coming from your husband's experience… You gonna pass or play, Dinah?" Steve asks.

"We're going to play!"

Steve heads on over and shakes Roy's hand.

"Roy, name something your husband wears to bed."

"Boxers."

Answer shows up as the top second answer as he heads over to Artemis.

"And how old are you, Artemis?"

"Thirteen."

"Alright. I don't expect you to know this… but name something your husband wears to bed."

Artemis answers, "Pajamas."

Answer shows up as the top third answer as Steve heads over to Mia.

"Mia, name something your husband wears to bed."

"Clothes?"

An X pops up on the screen as Steve moves down to Dinah Drake.

"I'm assuming you're Dinah's mother."

"I am." She proudly responds.

"I can see the resemblance… Yall even got the same name."

She pauses before replying, "Well… It seemed like a good idea at the time."

"I'm sure it did. Alright, Mrs. Dinah, name something your husband wears to bed."

"Condoms."

Steve just stares at her for a minute before asking, "What man needs a condom to sleep?"

"Well… It helps when you're-"

"There are children present!"

"But-"

"That's enough! Show me condom!"

Shows up as the remaining answer. Steve just throws his card into the air and walks away.

"What part of family feud do these people not understand?" Steve asks quietly as he shakes his head. "Give me Jason! Give me Roy!"

Audience claps and cheers as the two shake hands and get ready.

"Alright boys, here we go. Top five answers are on the board. Name something you might see a squirrel at the park doing… with his nuts."

Both Jason and Roy swap dirty looks before Jason hits the buzzer.

"Playing with them!"

Steve just stares at Jason and quietly mumbles his response. An X pops up on the screen as Steve turns to Roy who is smirking evilly.

"Oh God… If you people would have just saw the look this boy just gave me… Sometimes you just know what's coming. Alright son, this is a family show and your little sisters, mother, and grandmother are over there. Keep it clean. Then again, I'm talking to a boy whose father can't wait to drive his mother-in-law to the cemetery… Name something you might see a squirrel at the park doing with his nuts."

"Licking them!"

Steve groans before shouting, "Licking them!"

Shows up as the second answer as eating them.

Steve shakes his head and mumbles, "Because licking and eating is the same thing... Yall gonna pass or play?"

"We're going to pass Steve." Roy replies as Steve heads back over to the Waynes.

"Alright Timothy. Name something you might see a squirrel at the park doing with his nuts."

"Storing them." Tim says.

Answer shows up as the number one answer. Audience claps and cheers.

"Wow! That was the number one answer! You've gotten both the number one answers for your family." Steve says as Tim shrugs.

"It's not like it's hard." He replies before Steve moves on to Damian.

"Damian, name something you might see a squirrel at the park doing with his nuts."

Damian pauses for a moment before replying, "Father won't allow me to keep any squirrels in the manor… However, I know they would transport nuts with their cheeks."

Steve stares at Damian for a minute before saying, "Fills his cheeks!"

Answer shows up as the top third answer as Steve heads over to Alfred.

"Alfred, you have no strikes. There are two answers left on the board. Name something you might see a squirrel at the park doing with his nuts."

"Finding them?"

An X pops up on the screen as Steve turns back to Bruce.

"Bruce, it's back to you. Name something you might see a squirrel at the park doing with his nuts."

"Losing them, Steve." Bruce answers calmly as his family yells out, "Good answer!"

"Losing them!" Steve shouts as an X shows up on the board.

"Alright Mr. Valedictorian, you have to be careful. Your family has two strikes. The Queen family could steal. Tell me something a squirrel does with his nuts."

"Throws them at people?"

Steve stares at Richard and shakes his head as he mutters, "It's a good thing he's attractive… Throws them at people!"

An X pops up on the screen as Steve heads over to Artemis.

"Artemis, if you get this answer right, we'll go to sudden death for the game. Name something you might see a squirrel at the park doing with his nuts."

"Cracking them open!" she shouts.

Answer shows up as the top fourth answer as audience claps.

"Let's see number five!" Steve shouts.

Scratching them flashes across the board.

"For the game… Give me Tim and Artemis!"

Audience claps and cheers as the two shake hands and get ready.

"For this survey, we are asking for the top answer. Whoever gets this one answer will win the game… Name a superhero-"

Tim buzzes in first and screams, "Batman!"

Answer shows up as top answer. The Waynes start jumping up and down as the Queens try to claim that the game was rigged as Steve shakes their hands.

"Alright folks, we're going to play fast money! I need two of you!" Steve yells as Richard and Bruce run up. "Alright folks! Father and son are playing!"

Bruce heads backstage while Richard stands next to Steve.

"I'm going to ask you five questions in twenty seconds. If you can't think of anything just say pass. If you and your father can get two hundred points, your charity will receive the full amount of money. You ready, Richard?"

"Ready!"

"Here we go. Twenty seconds on the clock please. Give me another name for the term that means wife."

"Bitch… Oh no wait I mean-"

Steve just stops and automatically starts laughing as he drops to the floor. Richard turns red as he starts laughing as well. The timer hits zero as Steve manages to regain composure.

"I'm sorry! I'm sorry! You're not married are you son?"

"No sir."

"I can tell. We're gonna restart the clock from where it was with the third question. You ready?"

"Ready."

"Name something you'd see in a refrigerator."

"Milk."

"Name an animal with three letters in its name."

"Uh… Frog."

"Name something that comes with a summer storm."

"Snow."

"Name something that you can never have enough of."

"Sex."

The timer hits zero as Steve starts laughing.

"Oh damn… It's a good thing you're attractive."

"I was under a lot of pressure."

"So I can tell. Frog? Bitch? Sex? Snow? It's hard but it ain't that hard, son. I'm just glad you could come up with milk. Turn around and we'll see how you did."

Bitch… 0 points.

Milk… 57 points.

Frog… 0 points.

Snow… 0points.

Sex… 2 points.

"Well… You did better than I or anyone expected. You got 59 points. Join your family so they can kill you and we'll bring your father out."

Richard heads over to join his family as his father comes out.

"How did my boy do, Steve?"

"You need 141 points and a miracle, Mr. Wayne."

Bruce shoots his son a glare before nodding.

"I'm going to ask you the same five questions. If you duplicate any of the answers you'll hear a buzzing sound. But, you ain't even gonna have to worry about that sound. Just forget about the buzzer. You do not wanna repeat anything your son said. You have twenty-five seconds on the clock. Ready?"

"Ready."

"Here we go. Give me another name for the term that means wife."

"Pussy."

Steve just stops and automatically starts laughing as he drops to the floor. Bruce's eyes widen as he realizes what he just said. The timer hits zero as Steve manages to regain composure.

"This is Family Feud, Mr. Wayne! What part of family do yall not understand?" Steve yells.

"All my sons have different mothers."

"Of course they do! They probably got more siblings on the way!"

"I hope not." Bruce mumbles.

"Alright. We're gonna restart the clock from where it was with the second question. You ready?"

"I'm ready."

"Name something you'd see in a refrigerator."

"Ice."

"Name an animal with three letters in its name."

"Uh… Alligator."

Steve just stops and loses it again. The timer hits zero again.

"I'm sorry! I'm sorry! We gonna restart the clock from the last answer. You ready?"

"Yes."

"Name something that comes with a summer storm."

"Rain."

"Name something that you can never have enough of."

"Sex."

Buzzer sounds.

"Try again."

"Justice."

Steve just stops and loses it again.

"They don't pay me enough for this show. I thought your son was on it… But you? There is no question where your son comes from. Let's see how you did."

Pussy… 0 points.

Ice… 0 points.

Alligator… 0 points.

Rain… 59 points

Justice… 0 points.

"Well… You were eighty-two points away. Your charity will only be donated half the money. But, you would probably be happy to donate the rest. I'm your host, Steve Harvey and we'll see you next time on the feud!"

Yes, I effing know that Bruce and Dick are smart. The chapter's obviously meant to be funny. Besides, nearly everyone spits out stupid answers. Contestants are under a lot of pressure. Just watch the damn show.

If you want to see the Queens' Fast Money Round, read chapter 20 in Arrow Family!

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