Summary of Events: After the War Council, the Akatsuki are splitting ways. Hannah, Zetsu, Kakuzu, Itachi, and Tobi are staying in Suna. Leader, Kisame, Kate, and Konan are going to Konoha. And Hidan, Deidara, and Dessie are going into Wargonia to blow up the Wargonians' power source.

Chapter Seventy: Fondish Farewells

Rule Number Seventy: The Akatsuki aren't the types for good-byes.

Dessie

A dusty wind gusted by and I raised a hand to hold down my hair. When one of those little tumbleweeds rolled past, I couldn't help but think that this scene seemed more like a showdown than a good-bye sequence. Rule Number Seventy: The Akatsuki aren't really the types for soppy good-byes – perhaps a good-old-fashion cowboy showdown was the closest they could get.

"Well…" said Deidara. "Time to go…"

"Yep," said Hannah. "See you."

"Wow…" muttered Kisame, keeping a firm arm wrapped around Kate's shoulders. "That was cold-hearted."

Deidara scowled and flipped Kisame off before turning to Leader and asking, "Are you sure I can't stay in Suna?"

Konan sighed. "We need you to go to Wargonian and blow their power source to smithereens – don't you want to go blow stuff up?"

That thought of chaos and destruction certainly cheered Deidara up, but he still looked slightly sad whenever he glanced at Hannah. Finally, Hannah got fed up and gave Deidara a rather rough, awkward hug before storming off in the other direction and muttering something about not getting killed.

"Wow…" I said. "Did I just see what I think I just saw."

"Quickly…" hissed Hidan. "Cover your eyes and pretend it's all a dream – this could be an ill omen of our doom – sent by the great god Jashin himself!"

"Shut up!" snapped Hannah from her spot beside Kakuzu.

Zetsu smiled and sidled over to where Hannah stood. When Deidara caught sight of him, Zetsu said, "Don't worry, Hannah and we will look after Suna well – much better than you ever could."

Deidara's eyes twitched.

"Oh…" cried Kisame. "Bitch fight!"

Kakuzu sighed. "I'm glad Deidara's leaving. I don't think I could spend time alone with Hannah, Deidara, and Zetsu – too many catfights to count."

"You can always have betting pools," pointed out Hannah.

A sly smile spread across Kakuzu's face. "I'm starting to like you…"

"…only now?" asked Hannah incredulously. "You're starting to like me only now?"

Kakuzu thought about this for a second and then nodded. "Yeah… so?"

"Nothing. I'm impressed. You certainly choose your friends wisely…" She glanced in the direction of Kate and me and added, "Wish I could do the same. Look where my choices got me."

"I see your point."

"Man…" said Kisame. "Can we ever have a conversation where we don't goad at one another endlessly?"

Kate smiled and elbowed Kisame in the ribs. He glanced down at her, a sly grin spreading across his face, and she said, "I can think of several conversations we've had where we didn't goad at one another at all…"

"Well, of course," said Kisame. "We're practically missionaries."

I mimed vomiting.

"I think to be missionaries you have to be virgins," said Hidan. "Otherwise you're a lie… And I don't think Jashin looks down kindly upon those who lie."

"I don't give a damn about your shitty god," snapped Kisame. "Let me have my little romantic moment with my girlfriend!"

Meanwhile, Kate was a brilliant shade of red and she shuffled nervously. "B-b-b-b-but Hidan… I am a v-v-v-v…"

Hidan burst out laughing while Kisame clamped a hand over Kate's mouth and cried, "Don't say it! Don't say it!" But it was too late, the damage was done and the entire Akatsuki doubled up with laughter and was practically rolling on the ground.

"Kisame…" gasped Deidara. "I can't believe you have ever not slept with your girl… Remember Kirina-chan…"

"Deidara!"

Kisame's hand was removed from Kate's mouth and she placed her hands on her hips, glaring at Kisame skeptically. "Who is Kirina-chan?"

Kisame kicked Deidara in the shin and muttered under his breath, "Don't make me severe your arms again…" Before he turned back to Kate with an awkward smile and said, "It's nothing… It happened a long time ago… for, um, Deidara's eighteenth birthday…"

"That was less than two years ago…" muttered Deidara.

"Shut it!"

"Wait a second…" said Hannah slowly. "Deidara… how old are you?"

"Nineteen…"

A wide grin spread over Hannah's face. "So you're younger than me..."

"Oh crap…"

"Deidara – from now on I expect you to refer to me as Hannah-senpai. And when I say jump, you say how high – understand?"

"Wait a second…" I said, raising a hand to stop everyone. "This doesn't make any sense. Hannah's going for the younger guy and Kate's going for the older guy – the way older guy… I always thought it would be the other way around – what the hell!"

Hannah rolled her eyes. "Hidan! How old are you?"

"Twenty-two…"

"See Dessie, you're dating an older guy. There's a bigger gap between you and Hidan than there is between Deidara and I – not that I have a romantic relationship with Deidara."

"Okay, then," I said. "Zetsu – how old are you?"

"…That is classified information."

I stared at him. Zetsu seemed dead serious and I didn't dare push things since he'd probably eat me. So, I turned back to the Akatsuki and said, "Shouldn't we be going… the Konoha Group and the Wargonia Group need to get their asses moving…"

"Coward…" muttered Hannah, but she was smiling.

"Right," said Kisame. "Well, Hannah, Dessie – good luck. You too Itachi… Um… yeah… That's all I really care about."

"What!" cried Hidan angrily. "You don't care if I live or die!"

"Well… Hidan, you are immortal so obviously you're going to live…" said Kisame.

"What if the Wargonians capture me and torture me until I am nothing more than twisted mangled corpse! You won't care then, Fish Fry!" screamed Hidan, drawing his scythe.

"No!" snapped Kisame. "Especially not when you're waving that thing in my face!"

Hidan was about to lob Kisame's head off when I stopped him. Instead, I turned to Kisame and said, "Thanks. We hope you and Kate come back in one piece too – though actually, I'm still travelling with you, aren't I?"

"Oh yeah…"

"The only people we need to say good-bye to are Hannah, Zetsu, Tobi, Itachi, and Kakuzu."

"Right…" Kisame turned around and gave Itachi a gigantic man-hug. "See you, buddy! I hope you come back in one piece and Sasuke doesn't kill you!"

"Hn."

"I hope the masses of Itachi fan-girls don't rise up and kill you, Kisame," I said grimly.

"Aw… Dessie's jealous that I get to hug Itachi without losing any important limbs," said Kisame and he hugest Itachi tighter. Itachi scowled, but made no struggle (probably still in shock from being hugged by a man).

"You forget," I said. "I've kissed Itachi before. And then dumped him…"

Tears suddenly welled up in Tobi's eyes and he sprinted across the desert sands to fling his arms around my neck. "DESSIE-NUNU! Tobi is going to miss Dessie-Nunu!"

"Ack! I – can't – breathe! Tobi! Gack!"

"Oopsie. Tobi is sorry…"

He let go of me and I gasped for breath. "Thanks…"

"Will Dessie-Nunu miss Tobi too?" He batted his one exposed eye in my direction.

"No."

Tobi let out a wail and flung his arms around my neck once again. I couldn't help but notice – as I struggled to breathe – that Tobi never once acknowledged Kate's existence…

Finally, after managing to pry Tobi off of me, Itachi patted me awkwardly on the head and said "hn" which – according to Kisame – meant that Itachi hoped I didn't die too horrible of a death. It's nice to know that after all we've been though Itachi cares how much suffering I go through when I die.

"Well…" Kakuzu nodded in our direction. "Dessie, stay alive – I still have to beat you in poker. And Kate… Kisame…"

"Yeah?"

"Keep it clean."

Kate's face turned bright red while Kisame cackled villainously. He leant over and whispered something perverted in Kate's ear and she squeaked, turning into Lava Girl again.

"Wait a second!" said Hidan.

Everyone stopped and tuned to stare.

"What is it?" asked Deidara.

"I need to tell Dessie something!"

I turned to stare at Hidan, unable to understand what on Earth or the Fence he was talking about. Hidan grabbed hold of my wrist and dragged me away from the Akatsuki. When we were far enough away that no one could eavesdrop, Hidan bent over and whispered in my ear.

Over Hidan's shoulder, I could see the Akatsuki talking amongst themselves in loud, obnoxious voices.

"What is he telling her?" asked Kakuzu curiously.

"Maybe – on the brink of a war – he's finally confessing his undying love for her," said Kisame hopefully.

"Somehow I don't think that's it…" said Hannah.

"We want to know," added Zetsu.

When Hidan was done, he stepped away and stared at me, rather seriously I stared back, my eyes slowly widening. I swallowed, once, twice, three times, unable to muster up the courage to reply. Then, slowly, I drew back my foot and kicked him in the shin.

"Ow!" cried Hidan, clutching his own shin. "What was that for!"

"Don't joke with me!" I snapped, then turned my back on him and marched back to the Akatsuki where I was immediately bombarded with questions.

"What was that about!" asked Kisame.

"Nothing."

"Tell us!" cried Kate, grabbing my hands and shaking them wildly. "What did Hidan say to you!"

Hidan hopped awkwardly, holding onto his many bits and cringing in pain. The Akatsuki gazed at him pitifully. Kisame, however, just grabbed hold of Hidan's shoulders and shook him violently, asking, "What did you say to Dessie!"

"F-f-f-f-f-f-f–" gasped Hidan. "LET ME GO!"

Kisame did so. Hidan stumbled back, still wincing in pain, and said, "You'll find out sooner or later."

I scoffed. "Never."

"What's going on here!" wailed Kisame.

"Hn."

"Not you too, Itachi!"

"What?" asked Kate confusedly. "What's going on?"

Kisame scowled. "Itachi's sharingan allows him to read lips. He doesn't know what Hidan said to Dessie, but he knows what Dessie said back… So now he's in on the secret too. Tell me, Itachi!"

"Hn."

"Asshole."

Hidan and I breathed a sigh of relief and mentally, I think Itachi over and over again.

"Well," said Leader. "As curious as we all are, no one's telling – so get your asses moving."

Kisame grumbled under his breath, but with salute to Hannah and Itachi, he turned around and headed towards the old hideout where we would meet up with the Konoha Party and the rest of the Wargonia Party. For a moment, I watched his blue figure make its way through the desert sands and then I turned back to regard the four remaining behind.

"Now," said Leader. "You all are representing the Akatsuki and I expect you to be on your best behavior. Thankfully, you are the sanest of the Akatsuki, so we might not be humiliated too much."

"Yeah," muttered Konan. "The most insane of the Akatsuki have the most important mission."

"That's why we're insane," explained Dessie.

Leader and Konan ignored me. Instead, they turned and left without as much as a look over their shoulders.

"Well," said Deidara grimly. "I can't believe I'm saying this… but, don't go boom any time soon, uhn."

Hannah stared at Deidara in surprise and then burst out in raptures of laughter "I think I might have another heart attack… Did Deidara just tell someone not to explode? What is this!"

"I was just walking to you," said Deidara. "Zetsu can blow up his ass any time he wants to."

Hannah snickered. "There we go, the old Deidara is back. And don't worry, I happen to like living, so going boom any time soon is a big fat no."

"Yeah, yeah," I said, pushing Deidara away. All I got was a handful of blond hair. "Get a room, you two. This is a farewell party not a 'let's flirt with the girl I like and finally get laid' party."

Deidara grabbed a piece of clay out of his pouch and tried to shove it in my mouth; however, Hidan saved me with his scythe and the two of them sprinted after Leader, Konan, and Kisame, laughing and shouting death threats the whole way. Soon, only Kate and I remained.

Tobi started to cry and he flung his arms around my neck once again, weeping freely on my shoulder. I sighed and patted his head awkwardly, while turning to Zetsu. "Look after Hannah, okay Two-Face?"

Zetsu snorted. "We don't need you to tell us."

"Good."

Tobi lifted his face from my shoulder and cried louder. "Tobi will miss Dessie-Nunu! Dessie-Nunu had better not die!"

"I won't," I said. "I promise. Now go be a good boy, Tobi."

Tobi smiled and turned on his heels. Suddenly, he turned around and gave Kate a quick, awkward hug.

Kate looked as stunned as I felt. Tobi… Tobi was hugging Kate. Blasphemy!

But as soon as Tobi had hugged her, he had let go and made his way back to the others. Kakuzu, Zetsu, Itachi, and Tobi left back to Suna and only Hannah, Kate, and I remained for our first true good-bye since our arrival in the Fence.

"Well…" said Kate. "Who would have thought we'd end up here?"

"Oh, I did," I said. "Ever since I was a little girl I knew I was going to grow up to be a Warg-worshipping, psychopathic, fake Akatsuki whore who is about to travel into a different dimension to stop the Fence from being annihilated."

"…Yeah, I totally saw that coming."

I laughed, and suddenly we were all laughing. After a good three minutes of gasping and wheezing and trying to catch our breath, we stood upright. Without a single word exchanged, I saluted Hannah. I left. And, with a quick hug, Kate followed me. The Akatsuki maybe be bad at farewells, but we're worse.