A/N: Hello! It sure has been a while, hasn't it? I had a random thought about the missed opportunity for angst during Joseph's Hamon training, and I wanted to explore those three weeks a little more realistically and deeply. I am gonna warn you that there is a spectacular amount of angst in this one, and not nearly enough hurt/comfort.
WARNING: Joseph's training is basically torture, and there's a lot of trauma that goes with that. I also gave Joseph some extra childhood trauma, just to spice up the angst even more.
Breathin' and Breathin' and Breathin'
-{[(-)]}-
The sudden pressure against his nose and mouth was the first thing to register. The sharp scent of something metallic- blood?- gunsmoke?- hit his nose. The air fled his lungs. Like a punch. A light flashed- who-?
He made a sound, something surprised and maybe more vulnerable. It was then that he heard the click, a tiny cnkk of finality. His voice was the next thing to flee in a groan he was helpless to stop. His fingers scrambled ineffectually at the band of metal pressing into his skin like a manacle.
When he was finally able to look up, he was shocked to see Lisa Lisa, and not… not-
"What- is this?" He rasped, but it felt like the words were being sucked off his lips, stolen like every breath he tried to take. He tried to maintain his normal breathing, but once he started focusing on it, it felt unnatural and stiff. Deep breath- deep breath- not deep enough-!
"Joseph Joestar. From this moment forward, you will be wearing that breathing correction apparatus until I say otherwise," Lisa Lisa intoned, from her place above him, blocking out the sun.
"I-" he gasped. He clawed the device, gulping and unable to keep his voice even. "-can't- breathe-!" he pleaded. His mind scrambled worse than eggs. What was the right way? How was he supposed to be breathing? Heat flared in his chest; he still couldn't catch his breath-! His heart burned, ramming itself against his sternum. His bones were suddenly, impossibly light, on the verge of letting him float away. Somehow, his knees still went weak. His control on his Hamon was slipping-
"Not without proper rhythm you can't. However, with proper breath control, you will have no problem. If you do not maintain proper breath control, then, yes, the mask will eventually suffocate you-" The small amount of air he was able to catch abruptly left in a whoosh, a second wave of panic dripping ice into his fingertips and toes. "-So focus. Learn to master your breath, and you'll be running marathons while wearing it."
"'re you- cra-zy?" He panted. Think, Jojo, c'mon! He thought maybe the right pattern would be simple- inhale for three seconds and exhale for three. But he still couldn't-! He had just enough air to rasp out an angry, but deeply terrified, "Get this- damn thing- off my… face-!"
The focus he had put into speaking took his attention away from the fragile hold he had left on his Hamon. His knees gave out at the same time he was dropped in the water. He thought breathing in the open air was hard, but breathing underwater was actually impossible! I-I can't breathe- I'm- I'm gonna-!
When he finally surfaced, the water on his face hid the tears of strain that were leaking out of his eyes. Instead of squeezing his throat, the stupid device was suctioned against his face, pinching his nose and crushing his jaw. The metal was cold, and he could feel water that had gotten stuck inside, splashing against his mouth with every movement. What was the pattern? What rhythm? How could he-?
"You do realize your training has already begun," Lisa Lisa's voice was calm, but her eyes weighed his every movement, judging how he was already failing. The quirk of her lips suggested she was amused at his situation. "You can take the mask off for meals and whenever you need to brush your teeth." He wanted to ask if he would ever have a chance to rest, but every vein in his body was screaming for oxygen. But he still didn't know the right pattern! How was he supposed to be doing this?! He tried to match the pattern of her chest rising and falling, but his vision blurred obscenely.
"Jojo, don't make it hard on yourself," Caesar called, far more amused than he had any right to be. "Just keep your rhythm and pretend that it's Halloween." Joseph's breath hitched into a little whine. That was the opposite of helpful-!
Don't think about Halloween- Don't think about-
But trying to tell yourself not to think about something is fruitless. If you say, "Don't think about a white bear," you've already thought about it just by hearing it, and now you can't stop thinking about that bear and everything you know about it-
Lisa Lisa has started talking, but Joseph can't hear her anymore. He sees the two people looming over him. He feels the pressure against his mouth. Something wet is touching him- and- and he smells the dusty cloth- They have a gun- They want to hurt him- He could, could maybe outsmart them- but to do that, he'd have to see them- and he can't- they- they-
"Jojo!"
Joseph realizes he's soaking wet- How did that happen? Someone's pulling on his arm, and he feels a scream- coated in bile- rising in his throat- Who's-? It's Caesar- Caesar is pulling him out of the water- He must have drifted close enough-
"Jojo, where did you go?" Caesar frets. "You went distant, somewhere in your mind-" The blond looks up at Lisa Lisa, who looks disappointed, but behind her eyes, there's shock- horror. "Something's wrong; maybe he needs to start some other way-"
"No." Lisa Lisa's face closes off. "This is the only way to learn control." She physically steps away from them. "Meet me at the boat as soon as possible." Her chin lifts, and she looks down her nose at him. "Welcome to Venice."
Finally, Joseph is able to breathe. The flashback was like a reset, forcing his breathing back to normal. As long as he doesn't focus on it, he should be fine. He redirects his thoughts by forcing himself to focus only on physical sensations. He wiggles his toes and then begins flexing each muscle in his body, from his legs, up his torso, and down his arms, where he wiggles his fingers.
"Jojo," Caesar sounds a little hesitant.
"That witch," Joseph finally mutters. He tries to wipe off his face, but water has pooled in uncomfortable places around the mas- the device and he can't seem to get rid of it.
"What was that?" Caesar asks, but they really don't know each other that well yet. Joseph ignores the question, pushing himself to his knees and trying to stand on trembling, baby horse legs. He grits his teeth and shakes out his limbs.
"Is there a specific pattern I'm supposed to be breathing in?" He demands. He's not going to give up just because he had a teeny, insignificant, little panic attack. He's here to train, to improve. No pain, no gain. He's not going to let that witch win; he's going to show her everything he's got, and he's going to go so far past her expectations that she'll quit being a Hamon coach. He's going to be so good that she'll have to retire out of shame!
If Caesar is surprised by his sudden determination, he doesn't say anything. He nods, a half-grin forming, and steps forward. He puts a hand on his own chest to further demonstrate. He counts the inhales and exhales, and Joseph mirrors him, whispering along. Within a few breaths, it's like he's not wearing the device at all.
He understands that Lisa Lisa is trying to force him to maintain his breathing, but he still can't grasp why she forced him so suddenly and without any explanation. His mind has a habit of skittering ahead, analyzing every possibility in order to form a plan, but also overthinking even minor details. Now that he can reflect on what just happened, he immediately thinks of all the things that could have gone wrong. She made things more complicated and dangerous by springing this on him, rather than just telling him what was going to happen.
Would he have had a flashback if she had told him how to breathe properly and given him time to adjust to the device?
-{[(-)]}-
"Wait. Seriously?" Caesar demands. His eyes shoot to Joseph, concern bursting to life.
"What's the big deal?" Joseph questions, but he figures a name like that is a pretty good clue.
He's ignored, as Caesar continues, "But- But, Coach, you know that I haven't even made an attempt on Hell Climb Pillar, right? Do you really intend for us to start on this?" Quietly, he adds, "So many have died on Hell Climb Pillar. I've heard countless stories."
"Stories that may or may not be true." Lisa Lisa's eyes are alight with laughter, a stark contrast to the worry that Caesar is broadcasting. Her demeanor chills when she looks at Joseph. "If you fail, you have no place here." He forces himself to keep breathing and automatically assesses the area around them.
"Hello? Would somebody care to clue me in one what's going on? This Hell Pillar thing doesn't really look all that tall." Joseph's found that acting cocky and somewhat insulting is a good way to trick others into giving him information. If he says "You don't look that strong," then people rush to tell him exactly how strong they are. And then he can immediately turn around and use that information to his advantage.
Lisa Lisa begins opening the door, smiling. "Well, from up here, it's really more deep than tall." Joseph barely has time to register what she said when the air is suddenly kicked from his lungs. For the second time. Wind slashes against his face. His eyes water- He's falling-!
Behind- above- him, he hears, "Coach, wait! Please don't do this- guh-!" And Caesar is falling too.
Joseph gets back just enough breath to shout before he hits the water below. It's like slapping into concrete- he hurts- everything- he hurts- His stomach cramps, and once again, he has to fight to breathe- but he's under the water-! He's too busy fighting to resurface to hear Caesar crash behind him. He gets his head up, but the device- it's still full- He tries to tip his head forward, but the cold liquid is so thick- He claws at the device- What can he do-?
"Jojo-" Caesar stumbles towards him, and both of them are shaking. The liquid is cold, and it seeps through their clothes and settles somewhere under the bones- too cold- impossible to escape or ignore. Joseph has to try- He pulls his shirt up and holds it to the device. It's able to soak up the liquid, and he spends a few seconds gasping- and therefore choking- before he forces his breathing back to the correct rhythm.
"What the hell- is this?" His voice is cut up sandpaper, like he tried to swallow a handful of knives. Or like he almost drowned twice. "Oil? This pillar is covered in flowing oil."
Lisa Lisa's voice echoes down from the top, barely audible, like a vengeful goddess. "It's 24 meters to the top of the pillar, and you may only use your hands to climb. There is no other way out. If you can't find a way to climb back, you'll die down there."
Joseph didn't think it was possible to be any colder, but he feels icy hands crush his heart. He coughs out of surprise, and again- again- he has to fight to breathe. He's overwhelmed by a sudden, crisp certainty.
He's going to die down here.
Maybe other people, with more Hamon training, would be able to climb out. Caesar is strong; he could probably do it.
But Joseph? He has almost no training. Apparently he can't even breathe properly. How is he going to use Hamon to climb anything if he keeps choking every couple minutes? He can't even focus on what's in front of him, still shaken by remembering- the flashback. He can't focus enough to use Hamon, and even if he could, what would he do with it?
Lisa Lisa's shadow has already disappeared. Caesar takes a moment to recover from the fall, and then he's striding forward, ready to start climbing.
Joseph stands there, and he stares, and his knees are weak, and he's really, really wondering how he got himself in this mess now. Usually, he gets himself out of sticky situations, but this time he has to; he doesn't have any other options. There's no backup coming. Speedwagon… Speedwagon's not going to suddenly show up and drag him away by his ear. It's not like Caesar can help him. Lisa Lisa's certainly not going to.
He's on his own, and he's absolutely going to die.
-[]-
Joseph tries to form a game plan. First, he has to actually get his breath back and be able to focus again. Then, he needs to test how his Hamon reacts to the oil. Is it possible for him to walk on it the same way he can with water? Lisa Lisa said to use their hands, so should he be trying to grab the oil, like climbing a really crazy mountain? After he can direct his Hamon, then he can start actually climbing.
Despite his head start, Caesar is not very far up. So it must be even more difficult than Joseph initially imagined. He's going to need all the energy he can muster. He will probably be climbing for hours.
And so he gets started, sitting cross-legged in the oil to concentrate solely on his breathing and his focus. The cold oil is hard to ignore, but eventually, he starts to get used to it. When he doesn't have any more trouble breathing, he stands and tests the feel of his Hamon. This breathing pattern definitely makes the Hamon energy feel much stronger. Of course, Lisa Lisa is right. Tch.
Deep breath after deep breath, he walks on the surface of the oil, leaving spinning ripples in his wake. He tries to see if he can cup the oil in his hands enough to grasp it, but it slips away from him at every opportunity. Maybe he needs to keep his palm flat against the oil and use his hands the same way as his feet? He steps up to the pillar and stares up at the intimidating height. He doesn't know if he can do this.
But by God, he's sure going to give it his best shot.
Pushing energy through his palms gives him enough grip to pull himself up a little. Just when he thinks that he has the right idea, a cough bursts out of his abused throat. He completely loses control and slides back down into the oil. Gurgling, he emerges, oil blocking the device again, back to square one. He uses his drying shirt to soak up the liquid in the device again. He's getting so tired of gasping for breath.
Dismayed, he looks around. There's nothing useful down here. When was the last time he ate? Or drank water? He'll die of dehydration before he dies of starvation. If he has to, would he even be able to sleep down here? If he leans against any of the walls, oil will pour over his head, and if he tries to lay on the floor, there's a layer of oil thick enough for him to drown in.
The panic makes his throat squeeze shut, and he tries to turn that feeling into anger. He doesn't want to- can't stand- choking again, fighting for breath. He's had enough of that to last a lifetime, thank you.
"This is ridiculous!" He hopes his voice doesn't sound as weak as he feels. "I just got here- she knows I'm not strong enough to climb this stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid thing!" He wants to shout at the unfairness, but if there's anyone who knows life isn't fair, it's him. He feels anger at Lisa Lisa, of course he does. How can he respect her as a teacher if she doesn't even take time to train him? She just threw him into the fire without any way to save himself. He knows, deep down, that if he manages to get out of this, his Hamon will be so much stronger. But knowing that doesn't suddenly give him the ability to improve and escape.
Joseph looks around again. At this point, the important part is surviving. He can train his Hamon later, if he lives. A string of coughs remind him that even if he wanted to, he can't rely on his Hamon right now.
The device itches where the oil has pooled and dried against his skin. He reaches up with his shirt to scratch it off, and he realizes he does have useful material at his disposal. Maybe he can…
A few minutes later, Joseph has ripped apart his vest and turned the strips into a rope long enough to wrap around the pillar. He slings it around, prepared to use it for leverage to climb up. He's going to have a problem when he reaches Caesar, but he'll burn that bridge when he gets to it.
Under his breath, he starts to grumble. "So this idiotic pillar claimed the lives of a lot of trainees, is that right? Maybe they were all just too dimwitted to come up with a creative solution." His muscles ache from smacking against the oil when he fell earlier, and it hurts to pull the makeshift rope and start climbing, but he's out of options.
Or at least, he thought so.
Crashing into the oil the third time is enough to make him start crying. He stares at the knife that had cut through the rope, knocking him back down from the little progress he made.
Hauntingly, Lisa Lisa's voice floats down to him. "Using anything but Hamon is an insult to the Pillar and your training. The Hell Climb Pillar only accepts Hamon. It refuses anything else, so don't forget that." He doesn't know what kind of noise escapes his throat, but he's sure he hasn't made it since he was a child. The sliver of shadow at the top of the chamber suddenly disappears, Lisa Lisa walking away.
"Wait a sec! Come back, Lisa Lisa- I mean, Coach! Wait!" Her faint footsteps pause. He's barely holding it together, but he desperately tries, "Y-You wouldn't really leave me down here to rot just because I don't have enough power to climb out of here, would you? I mean, it's my first day. Right?" Her shadow reappears, and he sees the sudden, hateful glimpse of her face. Her eyes are icy daggers.
She's just going to let him die.
-[]-
The night is long. And cold.
At least, he thinks night has passed. Very little light comes into the chamber from the outside, and it's hard to tell the time of day by the never-changing torchlight. His internal clock says a lot of time has passed.
Joseph doesn't know if he has anything left to give. He kept trying for hours. Caesar is about half way up, but he hasn't even started. Joseph tried to sleep at one point and woke up when oil filled the device again. Now, he sits at the bottom, staring at Caesar's slow, tired progress. Joseph's vision is blurring again, and he can't tell if it's the panic, the exhaustion, the hunger, the dehydration, or just tears.
"He's really struggling," Joseph whispers behind the metal device. He's mostly numb to it now. Most of him is numb actually. Again, multiple reasons why. He blinks up at Caesar, vision suddenly focusing again. "His fingers look like they're going to come loose! If- if he loses that grip, he's going to come sliding down."
Joseph can't imagine what would happen then. Caesar's got to be close to running out of Hamon. Without any way to rest, neither of them would be able to recharge and try again. They'd both be stuck- They'd both die down here-
"Caesar, focus!" The blond looks like he's doing okay again, but when Joseph focuses, his heart starts pounding. "He's hanging on by his fingertips! Caesar!" But the blond doesn't even look down, just keeps gradually inching upwards.
"Wait a second-" Joseph wants to kick himself in the head. "Is that how he's been climbing this entire time?" He pushes himself up, stumbling to the pillar. "Let's see how this works!"
When he puts his hand out, fingertips first, he's suddenly able to stick to the pillar. Strength and determination flood his body once more. He can do this! He can actually escape! They're both- He's going to live!
The relief that washes over him completely renews his energy, and now, he can't think of anything but reaching the top, thanking Caesar for everything he's done, and punching Lisa Lisa square in the mouth.
Hand over hand, Joseph pushes himself upwards, chasing after his friend.
-[]-
His thoughts are slow, molasses barely moving, just oozing in a constant direction. There are only two things on his mind: his breathing rhythm, and forcing Hamon into his fingertips. If he focuses on anything else, he will absolutely fall.
He can't think about the lava flowing through his arms, burning into the muscles and making him lose feeling in pretty much every other part of his body. Humans weren't designed to keep their hands over their heads or to hold their own weight for this long. It would be hard enough to hold onto a bar and hang for a long time, but he's doing it from his raw, blistering fingertips and he has to keep forcing his arms up higher, pulling himself up, again and again.
He can't look up. Not only does his neck feel numb, and his eyes feel glued shut from the amount of oil coating his face- but if he looks up, he will see how much farther he still has to go. He will know that there are still hours, maybe even days left ahead of this hellish nightmare. Of no food, no water, no rest. He can't feel it much anymore compared to his arms, but his stomach is a gnawing pit, trying to eat its way through the rest of his body. Like he's being consumed by acid. His throat is a desert, dry to the point that every breath is like being stabbed.
He can't cough. He feels his lungs and throat ripping apart with the need. If he coughs, he'll lose control of his Hamon and he won't be able to recover it. Every time he feels a cough boiling up, he breathes deeply, doing whatever he has to to ease through it. He has to stop climbing every time it happens, which reminds him that this is going to take so much longer.
If it's even possible for it to get worse, the pillar has started to curve outward. He can't lean his body against the pillar; it dangles below his fingertips, requiring even more energy and arm strength to hold himself up.
It's when his pinkies go numb that he wonders if it wouldn't just be easier to die.
What does he have left to live for? Even if he makes it out of here, he's probably going to be finished off by the poison rings. Sure, Speedwagon and Granny Erina would be sad. But would they really miss such a hellish troublemaker like him? They'd probably be better off, in the long run. He can't imagine anyone wanting him around. He doesn't even like himself for God's sake, so why would anyone else. Caesar doesn't. Lisa Lisa definitely hates him.
His own parents didn't even want him, dammit! His dad cared more about being a hero than about being home. And his mom… She didn't even die. She just left. Didn't even leave a note.
Joseph almost has a heart attack when he slips a little bit; he got distracted. Finally, he decides to suck it up and see how much more of this damn pillar he's got left. Well, he is much closer to Caesar than he was before. The blond is trembling. There are lines on his face, either from sweat or tears- not that Joseph would be judging either way.
He wishes there was something to pass the time, other than just climbing. Distractions are unwise, but even listening to music would be so welcome. Actually, almost anything would be welcome at this point. You can only stare at the same dull stone and oil for so long before you start to go crazy.
It's while he's thinking about his favorite song that Joseph suddenly notices the crack in the stone above him. His heart starts pounding, and he doesn't even think about whether Caesar saw this earlier. He's abruptly aware of how his body aches and how difficult breathing has become; more and more, it feels like his throat is closing up.
All he thinks is: I need a break.
I need a break.
I need- a- break-
His fingers fit perfectly into the crack. If he lets his weight hang here, he can rest one of his arms. He'll still have to focus on his breathing because of the device around his face, but he won't have to constantly channel his Hamon and cling to the oil.
He lets go of his Hamon for a second.
Shnck.
He can't speak. What was that? What just moved?
The pillar shook, and Joseph could have screamed, if the terror hadn't stolen his voice again.
"Did you feel that, Jojo? What's going on?" Caesar's voice is faint. Both of them are at the end of their ropes.
"Oh, no-" Joseph's voice is a hitched whisper.
"Watch out!" Caesar ducks his head.
Oil- It shoots out of an opening in the pillar- There's a new ceiling to the chamber- A massive stream of highly pressurized oil, blasting outwards all the way to the outer walls.
"How in the world are we supposed to scale this thing now?" Caesar curses. He reaches into his pocket, still holding onto the pillar with one hand. Joseph suddenly realizes just how much stronger the blond is than him. The Italian man fishes out a pen and holds it up to the sheet of oil.
Half of the pen goes flying.
Like the worst kind of joke, the top half of the pen makes a little plopping sound as it lands in the oil below.
Caesar stares down at Joseph, and the brunet could sob. If he had any energy left, he would be crying. He can't do this- This is already Hell, and now Caesar hates him- He can't do anything right-
"I just wanted to rest for a second." Joseph doesn't know where he gets the energy to plead his case. "I did what any other sane person would do-"
"There's only one way up!" Caesar's intense eyes are on the oil ceiling. Joseph watches as Caesar somehow splits the oil with his hands while sticking to the pillar with his feet. His jaw drops when the blond emerges safely on the other side. Caesar looks down and says something, but Joseph can't hear him over the sound of the oil.
He's alone.
-[]-
Eventually, Joseph lets go of the crack and keeps climbing. He let go of his body a long time ago. All that is left is the pillar. All that is left is the climb. All that is left is this Hell.
When he reaches the oil ceiling, he gets hit over the head with a realization. He's been flirting the line between life and death for hours- days- now. At this point, he only has three options:
Stop climbing and definitely die.
Try to pass the oil ceiling and die trying.
Try to pass the oil ceiling, succeed, and live.
He really only has one choice.
He thinks he hears Caesar scream as he reaches up to the sheet of pressurized oil. But he can't be sure. There's probably been a couple things he hallucinated up to this point.
He uses his fingertips to latch onto the oil ceiling, and it blasts him away from the pillar, towards the outer wall where the pressure is weaker. When he hits the edge, there's enough give for him to launch himself up and over, quickly latching onto the slick outer wall. He could laugh- He's higher than before! Getting punched with the pressurized oil was painful, but he's so much closer now-
It's the steep overhang of the outer wall that kills any relief he may have been feeling. Where the pillar slowly curved outward, there's just a solid ledge here. He can't get his arm around it.
He's going to fail when he's a meter away from succeeding.
The panic is familiar, and cold, and harsh- All it takes is a slight stutter in his breath, and he loses all control. His muted sob turns into a string of coughs, and as he loses his Hamon, he loses his grip on the wall completely-
It feels like his arm gets ripped off when Caesar catches him. His shoulder screams, and he would too if he weren't still choking. Caesar and Lisa Lisa are talking, but the only sensation left is how the tears wash oil away from his cheeks in little lines.
Caesar pulls him up and they both lay on the stone floor. Even that is warmer than the oil. He can't get up. He can't roll over. Was there something he wanted to do? He can't remember.
His mind is empty as he stares up at Lisa Lisa.
There's something in her eyes.
Is she disappointed that Caesar had to save him?
Is she impressed that he survived, even without any training?
He doesn't care.
He wants to sleep.
-{[(-)]}-
Lisa Lisa, Loggins, and Messina at least let Caesar and Joseph rest for a few hours. Suzie Q brings them dinner and clean clothes. They eat like wild beasts, and their tears are lost in the stream of the shower. Joseph can't lift his arms to wash his hair. He doesn't ask anyone for help. He just leans against the tile of the bathroom and lets out the emotions he has been holding back. Any sense of control has been ripped from him, and he feels completely adrift.
He understands why he thought some of the things he thought on the pillar. What scares him is the tiny voice that still wants everything to just- end. He doesn't understand how anything could be harder than the Hell Climb Pillar, and he's not really willing to find out. But now that he can actually think a little bit, he knows that Granny Erina wouldn't just be sad if he- died. She's told him before, and he knows she would be devastated. She wouldn't be able to take it. He can't do that to her, or to Speedwagon.
And that's pretty much the only thought stopping him.
Caesar doesn't say anything to him. Joseph isn't exactly a Chatty Kathy either, but he knows Caesar is angry with him. How could he not be? Joseph made their cimb so much harder and nearly killed them both. He knew what Lisa Lisa said and he still tried to take a break. It would have been his fault if neither of them made it to the top.
By the time their instructors call them back to continue their training, dinner has settled into Joseph's stomach like a bowling ball. He wants to throw up, but he knows he won't be able to do that with the device suctioned to his face. He still can't lift his arms.
The original plan for their training was to have them do some kind of Hamon handstands, but even Lisa Lisa says that's too much too soon. Instead, they are going to do breathing exercises to make their breaths deeper and longer. With enough control, Hamon can heal one's body, so if they get stronger, they'll be able to repair the damage left by the Pillar. The goal is to eventually be able to inhale for ten minutes and exhale for ten minutes, which is beyond ridiculous. But Joseph doesn't really get a choice and he's learning that his concept of 'ridiculous' is very different from his instructors'.
After a couple minutes, Joseph realizes that this activity is going to be near impossible while he's wearing the device. By taking these deep breaths, he's not meeting the required pattern, and if he doesn't line up his inhales and exhales well enough, he starts choking again. Loggins and Messina seem to take this as a personal failing rather than a technical issue, and they keep taunting him. He could ignore their words, but having water splashed on his face is actually making him flash back to the constant stream of oil from climbing the pillar.
Caesar is doing perfect as always.
By the time they are released for bed, it has been hours. Joseph never seemed to meet his instructor's expectations. Lisa Lisa gave him a sour look as he passed her. His chest feels like it's going to burst. He never saw himself as a crier, but his emotions can't seem to catch a break. He prays that sleep will help him reset and start tomorrow better.
Lisa Lisa takes off the device so he can brush his teeth. She stands over him, watching as he washes his face and rinses out his mouth. He watches her in the mirror, confused. When he's done, he thanks her and turns to go to bed.
"Joseph." Her warning voice makes every muscle in him tense, anticipating some kind of pain. Is she going to punch him? Does he not actually get to sleep after all? Did he do something wrong that she needs to correct him on?
"We took off the apparatus so you could brush your teeth."
He stares at her.
"You- You want me to sleep… in that?" He questions. He thought his voice would come out angry. It comes out shaking. He's shaking. He understands wearing the device when he's training, but it keeps choking him, and he wants nothing to do with it. He doesn't want it to touch him ever again, but he knows he doesn't really get a say in the matter. But he's not even training right now! He's just going to sleep!
She doesn't say anything. Her eyes are cold again. He hates them. He hates her-
She grabs his chin and puts the device back against his mouth. He flinches, and it rests there for a moment, not suctioned in place yet. Just when he thinks it might not be so bad, he hears the lock click back into place. The device tightens, and the air gets sucked out before he can blink. He bends over, feeling like he's been punching in the gut.
He hears the door close behind her.
It takes a few minutes, but he's able to get his breathing under control again. Instead of going straight to bed, he sits by the window and stares out at the ocean. It looks so, so blue, especially after staring at a certain pillar for so long. The light from the moon looks so bright. It feels like he wouldn't even know how to sleep if he tried.
It doesn't take long for the exhaustion to overwhelm him once more. He stumbles to the bed, slides under the blankets, and is shocked by how warm it feels. He has a feeling there are a lot of things he's going to appreciate more now.
He doesn't think about how his day went. He thinks about Speedwagon for a little bit, and then he starts thinking about the bedtime story they used to read when he was little. Joseph starts to drift off to the adventures of the doctor who could talk to animals…
He gasps, bolting upright in bed. He scratches at the device. There's no tears this time, but a sob chokes him momentarily.
He won't be able to sleep. Every time he starts to drift off, his breathing slows down. It doesn't match the correct pattern, and that means the device cuts off his air. Unless he can somehow control his breathing while he sleeps, he's going to choke everytime he tries.
Lisa Lisa… She put this device back on him, knowing this was going to happen. Why wouldn't she want him to sleep? He's been awake for three days straight, and he can't think anymore. He has no control over his emotions or the turn they're taking. How does she expect him to train like this?
She hates him.
It's the only explanation.
She hates him and she wants him to suffer.
He can't even cry. He's so completely drained of energy, and every time his breath hitches, the device chokes him.
What did he ever do to her?
-[]-
Joseph spends the night tossing and turning. He correctly guessed that he wouldn't be able to fall asleep. Every time he started to doze, he was jolted awake and forced to maintain the pattern.
Caesar looks at him strangely when he trudges to the dining table for breakfast. Joseph won't be able to eat until the damn device is removed, so he doesn't bother sitting. He nearly trips over his own feet on his way to Lisa Lisa's chair, but somehow he gets there. He stands by her side, too tired to speak.
Without looking up, she has the audacity to say, "Use your words, Joseph."
She's eating a fluffy biscuit with brown sugar butter.
Joseph has never hit a woman. When he first started climbing the Hall Climb Pillar, he thought he might like to punch Lisa Lisa. And now, staring at her, he thinks he might actually kill her. Caesar must see it on his face, because the blond bolts to his feet.
Joseph is an idiot, but he isn't a fool. If he kills Lisa Lisa, then he has no way to get this stupid device off. She's the only one who knows how. There's not a key or anything.
He almost walks away from the table, suddenly unable to care if he lives or dies. She can starve him and deprive him of sleep all she likes. He's here to train, not play mind games.
He has no idea what he sounds like when he says, "Please take the device off, Lisa Lisa." She stares up at him for a second and then rises elegantly. She reaches around and unlocks it. He can move his jaw again. He goes to his seat.
"Coach, can I talk to you?" Caesar asks. She nods and they go to some other room. Joseph barely pays attention. He half-heartedly eats some of the eggs. What is he doing here?
He snaps to attention when Caesar and Lisa Lisa return. Without the device on, he had started dozing off. Caesar looks uncomfortable, and Lisa Lisa is as cold as ever. Joseph eats some toast.
-[]-
Impossibly, a week passes.
They do handstands on top of buildings like that isn't completely ridiculous. They do exercises on top of and in the water, including swimming to strengthen their abdominal muscles and holding their breath. They can inhale for three minutes and exhale for three minutes. Caesar excels at pretty much everything he tries. Joseph can never seem to do anything right, and their instructors seem to take that very personally.
The only thing that gives him hope is Caesar. Even though he seems incredible with his Hamon, Caesar feels drained and beaten down too. Sometimes, after training, Caesar comes to his room, and they sit by the window for a bit, chatting. They learn all the useless information about each other - favorite things, where they went to school, funny stories. They don't talk about their families. Or their past.
Joseph is sure there's a difference between pushing past your limits and pushing until you pass out. He's fainted more times in this one week than he ever thought was possible. It's probably bad for him, but he's too tired to care. His Hamon is getting stronger, so the training is doing something. But the rest of him is falling apart.
He starts napping at meals instead of eating. It's the only time when he can sleep.
Finally, at the end of that first week, he can't take it anymore. He already couldn't take it, but something in him feels… broken.
He knocks softly and calls, "Lisa Lisa?" There's a faint light coming under the door, and it makes him feel dizzy, like he's floating away.
"Come in."
He quietly pushes the door open. He doesn't care about observing her study. His vision tunnels to where she is sitting at the massive desk, writing something. She doesn't look up. She never does.
There aren't any chairs across from her.
He falls to his knees on the carpet.
"Lisa Li-" He stops. "Coach," he tries to appeal to her somehow. "Thank you for training me. My Hamon has improved significantly from when I started." The words are dry and disgusting in his mouth. He has no respect for her. He's not even angry- He's- He's scared of her. "I've also been able to master the proper breathing pattern for maintaining my Hamon. It is second nature to me; I don't even think about it, and I, well, I was thinking, th- that I probably don't need the- the device anymore-"
He hates when she says, "Joseph." He waits for the pain that follows. "You have not mastered the proper rhythm. Your breath still stutters when you are surprised or pained. You need to have such control that your breathing is not altered by those kinds of circumstances. If you are in battle, you cannot afford to lose control of your Hamon for even a second."
"But-!" He bows his head and tries to push the panic down. "Please, Coach. At least give me the ability to take it off myself. This is training, and there are times when the device only prevents me from getting my breath back. I-I have panic attacks, and I can't rely on you to take it off for me-"
"I said no, Joseph." Her eyes are blue. He hates them. He can't do this-
"I can't sleep- Surely you can't expect me to maintain my breathing while I'm unconscious-"
"Then it's not second nature to you, is it?" She snaps. He flinches. He can't help it. He wants to bury himself out of shame.
"I can't do this-" he begs. "I need a break. Please-"
"Joseph-"
"Why do you hate me?" He demands. "What did I ever do to deserve this? You've treated me like the enemy since the day I got here- Maybe I was arrogant, or mouthy, or stupid- But I can't- I can't do this! What do you want from me? Why do you hate me?" He's shaking. He can feel that he's shaking. It feels like he hasn't stopped since he got back from the Pillar.
She looks shocked.
"I don't hate you," she says, but her body is tense- she looks like she's lying. He's trapped here, letting her do whatever she wants to him in the name of training, and she can't even tell him the truth. "I'm- I'm trying to protect you. I need you to be strong; it's the only way-"
She cuts herself off.
They stare at each other.
He came here. He was vulnerable. He got on his knees and begged. He told her something he hadn't even told his family. And she was still holding onto this farce like she was doing this for any other reason than to punish him.
Joseph stood. He turned. He went back to his room.
He still didn't sleep.
-[]-
By the end of the second week, he could actually kind of sleep. He caught an hour here, an hour there. He had no idea why he was still fighting, still trying to prove himself somehow, but he was still alive. He was still alive and his head was high, even if it was heavy.
Now that he had adjusted to the training exercises, they were easier in a way. Loggins and Messina were still merciless and unforgiving, but the exercises were less impossible. Sometimes, Joseph could even keep up with Caesar and match his scores. His abs looked ridiculous when he showered.
Joseph somehow gave off an air of determination, even though he spent a lot of time feeling like he just wanted the right opportunity to die. Maybe one of these days he would force himself to stay under the water for too long. Or when all the training was over, he'd let one of the pillar men finish the job.
Maybe he gives off that determination because he wants to spite Lisa Lisa somehow. If she wants to see his spirit broken, he's not going to show how much it already is. He's going to claw his way out of this situation and find a way to die peacefully.
Of course, part of him knows that he won't actually kill himself. He fantasizes about it, absolutely. He craves it. He lacks any fear of death, at this point. But he also has the courage and will to keep fighting for the people depending on him. Like before, that's pretty much the only thing that keeps him going.
It's late on that last day of the second week when Caesar stops by his room to chat again. Lisa Lisa had just put the device back on, and Joseph feels especially sick. He doesn't participate in the conversation much, and Caesar definitely notices.
"Well," the blond stands up. "I guess I'll let you get ready for bed and go to sleep. Have a good night." Joseph nods and gets into bed.
Caesar stops in the doorway.
"You don't brush your teeth, Jojo?" He teases. He thinks Joseph is just tired.
"Already did," Joseph sighs, staring at the ceiling. Caesar looks confused.
"You're still wearing the breathing apparatus?"
"Yeah," Joseph is starting to feel a little confused himself. He thought Caesar went through this himself? "Lisa Lisa makes me wear it to bed."
"You can sleep like that?" Caesar looks impressed. Joseph shrugs, stomach twisting. This isn't right. Caesar did this too, right? Is Joseph the only one that Lisa Lisa has forced to do this? "Jojo, I'm serious. Are you able to sleep?"
"Sometimes," Joseph deflects again. Caesar's face hardens.
"I-" The blond turns to close the door, muttering as he goes, "What the hell does she think she's doing?"
Joseph sits in the silence for a long time. He's a little surprised when Caesar comes back.
"Jojo, I am so sorry. I had no idea," he apologizes, for some reason. "I thought you were tired because of training. I don't know why Lisa Lisa is making you do this. I tried talking to her, but she- she won't stop." Caesar looks uncomfortable again. Under his breath, he whispers, "This is wrong; why-?"
"Thanks for trying," Joseph says, too tired to sound grateful. "I tried talking to her last week, and she said the same thing." He knows Caesar has a lot of love and respect for Lisa Lisa. He feels bad coming between that trust.
Maybe it's because he feels bad, like Caesar's his friend and should know more. Maybe he thinks it's better if Caesar thinks the device is stopping him from sleeping for a different reason. Maybe he's too tired to think properly. Maybe he just wants to finally tell somebody.
Whatever the reason, Joseph starts talking, voice shrinking to a whisper by the end. "The device freaks me out. Yeah, it chokes me and stuff, and I'm getting tired of that, but, I'm, like, getting used to it. It freaks me out, 'cause, when I was little- like, five- I got separated from Uncle Speedwagon on Hallow- Halloween. We had been out trick-or-treating. And I was scared, 'cause it was dark and stuff, but I would have been fine."
"But I was this kid that came from a rich family, right? The Joestars and the Pendletons had merged their estates, and my family was actually kind of famous. Especially when the Speedwagon Foundation took off, I mean, it was like someone painted a giant target on my forehead that said 'Ransom Here,' right? Later, when I was a preteen, some guys actually tried to hijack a plane Uncle and I were in, but like, not the story right now."
"So I'm this well-known rich kid out by myself. And I used to be tiny. It was so- so easy- These two guys- They just picked me up like, like I was nothing, you know? Before I could even scream, they gagged me and- and- tied me- up. I just remember- the rag they gagged me with- tasted so dirty- I feel- felt dirty."
"But if you saw a kid like that, it'd be pretty obvious they're being kidnapped. So they- put a Halloween mask over my face, and they- wrapped me in a jacket from a different costume- Uncle Speedwagon could have walked right past and- wouldn't have even known it- was me."
"I don't really- remember what happened- after that. There was a- gunshot- and I got splashed- with blood- I think- And then the officer took off the mask and untied me- and took me back to Uncle- And I was really- like, scared, for a while after that. We didn't- go trick-or-treating again…"
Caesar is staring at him.
Joseph feels proud of himself. That's the first time he ever told anyone that story. And while he stuttered the words, his breathing kept the proper pattern the whole time. He hates everything about the past two weeks, but he really is improving.
"That's awful," Caesar croaks. "Tha- Thanks for telling me, Jojo. I'm glad you were okay." He puts a hand on top of Joseph's.
What Joseph never knows is that Caesar fights for him every time he's alone with Lisa Lisa. The blond begs her to take the apparatus off, begs her to explain herself for even a minute. Caesar takes the story of a frightened Joseph to his grave.
-{[(-)]}-
When Eisidisi launches veins full of boiling blood at his face, Joseph is scared out of his mind, and rightfully so. He manages to maintain his breathing even then.
Joseph falls backwards from the attack. The device snags on a spike at a weak point and rips away from his face completely. He stares at the broken shell, knowing there's no way to repair it. Lisa Lisa may have others, but she'll never be able to put that one back on his face.
He almost feels grateful when he looks at Eisidisi again. Almost.
He fights for Caesar, who actually cares about him and gives him a reason to keep going when the going gets tough. He fights for Granny Erina, who has suffered so much and who has no idea of the danger that lurks. He fights for Uncle Speedwagon, who is the most loyal man on earth and who is frightened by the danger he knows is coming.
Joseph fights for himself, because he thinks, just this once, he might be worth it.
-{[(-)]}-
There are a lot of things Joseph never really recovers from.
Being abandoned by his parents, whether intentional or otherwise, and all the consequences that followed.
The breathing apparatus, the Hell Climb Pillar, and all the training afterwards. The nightmares never stopped.
Caesar's death. He finally realized that he had found an amazing, unconditional friendship, just in time to lose it.
When he learns that Lisa Lisa is his mother, it's a punch to the gut- one in a long string that life never seems to stop dealing him. He tries to understand how she could have left him, and he just can't. He knows that there was a situation bigger than himself, and that in the grand scheme of things, he wasn't that important. But she was- She was his mom.
Joseph never resolves his trust issues. He never stops having panic attacks, or fighting his anxiety, or overthinking things. He never really believes that he deserves happiness. He makes mistakes along the way. He still feels like he never does anything right, that no one likes him, that he still has something to prove.
He refuses to keep up with his Hamon training; he lets his breath do whatever it wants.
But years down the line, when he still hasn't killed himself, he looks up and realizes he has a beautiful life. There are rough patches, but he has an adoring wife, a beautiful daughter, and even a grandson on the way. He can travel the world whenever he wants. He lives in an incredible home.
Any reason to keep living is good enough.
A/N: Well, what did you think? I'd love to hear your thoughts! Your favorite part, what you thought of the characters, etc. :D
QUESTION OF THE UPDATE: Who's your favorite JoJo? You might be surprised, but mine is not Joseph. He's actually my least favorite. Giorno is actually my baby. :)