Summary of Events: After the War Council, the Akatsuki are splitting ways. Hannah, Zetsu, Kakuzu, Itachi, and Tobi are staying in Suna. Leader, Kisame, Kate, and Konan are going to Konoha. The Wargonian armies are approaching.

Chapter Seventy-Two: Calm Before the Storm

Rule Number Seventy-Two: Tobi is a freak

Hannah

Sitting on top of Suna's wall and gazing down at the dusty desert, I cannot help but feel that it is beautiful here. I can understand why Dessie would want a summer home here – and another one in Konoha. However, I get the feeling that no one would let us buy one. While being a fake-Akatsuki whore has it's perks, but it doesn't make you the most popular person in the world.

"Hannah."

I didn't even need to look to know what Akatsuki member was looming over my shoulder. "Zetsu, sit down. You leaning over me is terrifying."

Zetsu lowered himself to the ground and sat down beside me. A leg was hanging out of his mouth as he chewed on it rather viciously. I glanced at it and wondered where he found a human leg – surely Gaara wouldn't be very happy about it.

"It's an animal," said Zetsu.

"Sure…" I muttered, disbelieving.

"The Kazekage received a message saying that Dessie, Deidara, Gai, Sakura, and Suigetsu made it through the portal. Hidan, Neji, and Temari are heading to Konoha. Neji was in bad shape and Hidan would have been if he wasn't immortal."

I smiled. "Good ol' Hidan. You got to love that immortal bastard."

Zetsu frowned.

"Not romantically," I reassured him (it's difficult to be loved by Zetsu). "He belongs to Dessie, remember?"

Zetsu nodded in relief.

We sat in silence for a minute. A chilly desert breeze rushed through and I turned my face into it to stop my hair from flying into my face. There were many shinobi guarding the wall. They kept their eyes peeled for any sight of the Wargonian army approaching. So far, there had been no sign, but I knew it was coming. The war was near.

"It's the calm before the storm."

"Huh?" I turned to look at Zetsu. "What?"

"It's the calm before the storm," recreated Zetsu patiently. "The quiet before the massive bloodshed and dead bodies… Mmm… Dead bodies…"

"Please refrain from talking about dead bodies in my presence."

Zetsu nodded. "Sorry."

"Yeah. I'm just not a cannibal. I have no problem with people being cannibals… Just not around me…"

Zetsu nodded in enthusiastic agreement. "Of course. It's like we're not a eunuch, but we have no issues with someone being one."

"Er… yeah… like that…" I smiled. "Hey, Zetsu. Why do you like me?"

There was a pause. Zetsu blinked. "Because you're the only woman willing to marry us. You weren't offended by our monstrous appearance. We will protect you, though. Until the death we will protect you. Through sickness and health and from ashes to ashes, you are the most important person to us. Even if we have to give up human meat all together, we will do it for you–"

"Hannah-Nunu!"

Zetsu's protection rant was interrupted by the arrival of Tobi. Tobi threw his arms around my neck and giggled gleefully. "Tobi missed Hannah-Nunu!"

"I thought you were sleeping," I said.

"Tobi woke up and Hannah-Nunu wasn't in the room. Tobi got scared and went looking for Hannah-Nunu."

"Oh… right… sorry about that."

Tobi giggled. "Hannah-Nunu isn't sorry!"

"Nope. Not at all."

Suddenly, a very sad expression crossed Tobi's face. I glanced at him inquisitively, wondering what could have upset him now. Finally, after a good five minutes of sulking, Tobi said, "There's no flower chain in Hannah-Nunu's hair. Hannah-Nunu looks prettiest with a flower chain."

"I've never worn one of your flower chains," I pointed out.

"But Hannah-Nunu would look so pretty with one…"

I sighd and carefully detached Tobi from me. He sat down beside me and immediately used my shoulder as a pillow. Smiling slightly (something I will never do again when Tobi uses me as a pillow), I said, "Tell you what. If I survive this war, I will wear a flower chain you made for an hour – but for one hour only."

Tobi giggled gleefully. "Pretty Hannah-Nunu!"

"Yeah, yeah…" I muttered.

"Hannah's pretty with or without a flower chain," said Zetsu.

"But she'd be even prettier with one!" cried Tobi. "Hannah-Nunu is like a pretty flower. She's all sunshine and pretty and bright…"

I stared at Tobi. "I'm sunshine…and pretty… and bright…? What the…?"

Tobi grinned and nuzzled against my shoulder. "Uh-huh. That's why Tobi likes Hannah-Nunu so much!"

"Er… Whatever you say Tobi, you're sure you don't have me confused with Kate?"

"Tobi is sure."

"What is Tobi sure of?"

"Hey, Kakuzu," I said. "Dang. It's pretty pathetic when I can tell you all apart by just the sound of your voice – apparently you all talk to much."

"Or maybe you listen too much," said Kakuzu coming to stand behind me. "Anyone up for some bets?"

"Like what?"

"Like I bet ten bucks that I can kill more Wargonians than you."

I snorted. "I bet ten bucks you can kill more Wargonians than me too. At least make it a reasonable bet that even an idiot would make."

"Tobi would make that bet."

"Tobi is worse than an idiot," I said. "I'll bet you that Itachi can kill more Wargonians than you."

Kakuzu groaned. "I'm not stupid either."

"Exactly."

"Fine. I bet that when they get back from Wargonia, Deidara is going to be missing an arm."

I glanced at Kakuzu. "Um… sure. Why would you make that bet?"

Tobi giggled. "Deidara-senpai is prone to losing arms."

Even Zetsu snickered at this. "After he fought the nine-tails and Kakashi, Deidara was missing both arms. So he tried to suffocate Tobi… with his legs." Zetsu laughter doubled. "We saw it all."

I grinned. "Of course Deidara would do that."

Zetsu suddenly stopped laughing. His yellow eyes were dead serious. "You're not in love with Deidara, are you, Hannah?'

I blinked. "What are you talking about? You thought I was in love with Hidan, too, remember? Besides, why would I fall in love with Deidara. The pyromaniac tried to blow me up… on multiple occasions."

"And you knocked him out with a frying pan on multiple occasions," said Kakuzu. "Does it matter?"

"Kakuzu… Not helping…"

"I know. That's the idea."

Struck with a sudden idea, I looked around and then asked Tobi, "Where is Itachi?"

Tobi sat upright and smiled at me. "Back at the apartment."

"Go get him, we need to have a group moment here," I commanded.

Tobi jumped to his feet and sprinted off to go find Itachi. Kakuzu took Tobi's seat and asked, "Why do you want to see Itachi so badly?"

"I don't. But I got you Tobi's seat, didn't I?"

Kakuzu chuckled. "Devious."

"I know. I have to say it's one of my finer qualities."

Zetsu smiled. "We'd hate to see the rest of them. They must be awful."

I nodded in agreement. "They are. Absolutely dreadful. Most of them result in someone else's death or some sort of brutal torture…"

"You're very scary, aren't you Hannah," said Zetsu.

A wry smile crossed my face. "And you're one to talk."

"I'm confused…" said Zetsu slowly. He looked to Kakuzu for help, but Kakuzu had no intention of explaining anything. In fact, Kakuzu seemed suddenly very preoccupied with the sunset ahead of us. I followed his gaze, but saw nothing there except the desert sands.

"Wha–?"

"Tobi has brought Itachi-senpai!"

I glanced over my shoulder to see Tobi, in his obnoxiously orange mask, dragging Itachi along the top of the wall by the collar. Itachi looked quite unhappy. Tobi came to a rest standing behind me and suddenly, he froze, his whole body sagging miserably.

"What's up?" I asked.

"Kakuzu-senpai stole Tobi's seat…"

I glanced at Tobi, and then at Kakuzu, and then back up at Tobi. "Tobi," I said. "Good boys must learn to share."

"Oh… So if Tobi sits on Kakuzu's lap, then Tobi is sharing?"

"Whoa!" said Kakuzu, jumping to his feet. "You can have the seat, Tobi. Bad boys like Kakuzu don't share."

Tobi was practically beaming through his mask as he sat down next to me. "Thank you, Kakuzu-senpai! Tobi will never forget senpai's kindness!"

"Don't mention it…" muttered Kakuzu. "Ever."

"Hn."

"Itachi," I said. "Kisame is not here to translate; you need to speak regular English so that us mere mortals can understand you."

"Hidan's an immortal," pointed out Tobi. "And he can't understand Itachi-senpai."

"Hidan isn't a senpai?" I asked, ignoring Tobi's comment.

"Senpai? Hidan?" Tobi shook his head. "Hidan is a bad, bad senpai. He is a very bad boy. Tobi is a good boy. Tobi won't look up to Hidan."

I grinned. "But what if Hidan and Dessie got married. Dessie is a good girl, right? She's a nunu. And Hidan is a bad boy. Can a good girl like a bad boy? Or will Dessie turn into a bad girl if she marries Hidan?"

Tobi shook his head. "Dessie is a nunu! Dessie is a nunu! She's a bad nunu, but a very nice nunu."

"Er…"

"ITACHI UCHIHA!"

In unison, we all groaned as we turned to see Sasuke walking swiftly along the wall. His sword was drawn and pointing directly at Itachi. A soft wind rustled Sasuke's duck-ass hair and made him look slightly less threatening than he really was. As he approached out group, Itachi sighed and reluctantly faced his brother.

"Hn."

"You kill our clan," said Sasuke. "You annihilated them – just like I'll annihilate you!"

"Hn."

"I think that translates as 'I'd like to see you try'," said Kakuzu.

"I'm an Uchiha!" screamed Sasuke. "I think I understand the 'hn' language better than any of you!"

"We object," said Zetsu. "We're pretty sure Kisame understands 'hn' language better than you. Kisame is fluent."

"Well I don't see Kisame here," sneered Sasuke. "Now do you mind, I need to get back to killing Itachi."

Kakuzu sighed. "Anyone want to take bets on who wins out of Itachi and Sasuke?"

"I'll bet everything on Itachi," I said.

Kakuzu was practically drooling at the mention of 'everything'. He turned to Itachi and went down on both knees. "Itachi! Itachi! Please lose to your brother on purpose so that I can get all that money… I'll even give you… ten percent…"

"Hn."

"Is that a yes? Good." Kakuzu turned back to me. "I'll take that bet."

"You're all assholes!" cried Sasuke. "He killed my clan! Our parents! Our friends! He killed them all! Everyone except me! He chose me to be an avenger – and by being an avenger, he chose how he shall die–"

Itachi whacked Sasuke in the side of the head, mid-rant. Sasuke stumbled backwards, but before he could recover his footing, Itachi sharinganed his ass. I feel no need to describe the actions scene. Itachi has red-eyes and Sasuke has red-eyes. Itachi's red-eyes owned Sasuke's red-eyes every time. End of story.

"So," I said, turning to Kakuzu. "Are you going to pay up?"

But Kakuzu was gone. Instead, he was trying to strange Itachi while they stood over Sasuke's unconscious body.

"What – were – you – thinking!" screamed Kakuzu. "All – that – money! Why!"

I rolled my eyes. "Pathetic. Just pay up, Kakuzu."

"Never!"

"Don't make me set Zetsu on you. Because you know I will."

I glanced at Zetsu and he immediately filled his role by turning to face Kakuzu and saying, "Om-nom-nom-nom."

"Warg…" muttered Kakuzu. "Why is everyone I know such a freak?"

"Tobi isn't a freak! Tobi is a good boy."

(insert large amount of laughter here. Rule Number Seventy-Two: Tobi is a freak – though it makes a wonderful joke to say that Tobi is completely normal. … Insert more laughter here)

"Tobi thinks everyone is mean."

I opened my mouth to reply, but at that very moment, a loud cry rose amongst the ranks at the wall. "The Wargonian army is here!"

My heart skipped a beat and I turned to see as the masses of gray slowly approached the walls of Suna. Shinobi rushed to defend the walls, their weapons at the ready for the first strike. The calm was over and now, the storm had arrived.