Summary of Events: After the War Council, the Akatsuki are splitting ways. Hannah, Zetsu, Kakuzu, Itachi, and Tobi are staying in Suna. Leader, Kisame, Kate, Hidan, and Konan are going to Konoha. Dessie, Deidara, Suigetsu, Sakura, and Gai arrive in Wargonia.

Chapter Seventy-Three: Don't Mess with the Dess

Rule Number Seventy-Three: Don't underestimate a fake Akatsuki whore

Dessie

"Urg."

I taste rocks in my mouth. I hate rocks. Have you ever tasted rocks? It's not pleasant. It tastes like… dust… and rocks… yeah…

"Where… are we?"

I opened my eyes and found myself staring at – surprise, surprise – dust and rocks. Slowly rubbing my aching muscles I sat up and looked around. I was lying between two massive boulders in a mountain goat path. I wasn't the only one here, though. Gai, Sakura, Suigetsu, and Deidara wee here as well. Gai and Suigestu were already awake and were trying to bring Sakura back to reality.

"You're up," observed Suigetsu.

"Yeah, yeah, bitch," I said. "It's nice to see you were so concerned." I got to my feet and looked around. The boulders were too high for me to see anything.

"The Wargonian army is just over the ledge," explained Gai. "But this goat path leads towards the city."

"So this is Wargonia…" said Suigetsu

"Yep."

"It looks like…" He stared around vaguely, trying to find a word to describe the wasteland of Wargonia.

"Shit?" I suggested.

"Sure, let's go with that."

Sakura groaned and slowly sat up. Her face was scratched up as if she has been attacked by a cat and there was a nasty cut on her arm. She looked around, finally managing to find her voice. "Where are we?"

"Wargonia," supplied Gai. "A less than youthful place…"

Sakura looked around a little more. "Where's Neji and Temari?"

I rolled my eyes. "It's kind of you to be so concerned about Hidan. What if something awful happened to him – wouldn't you be the least bit sad?"

"Isn't it your job to be worried about him?" asked Sakura snarkily. "I've had to attend far too many funerals thanks to you and you lot."

"Oh great…" I muttered. "The Akatsuki is now my lot. Listen, bitch. The Akatsuki is no one's lot. And trust me when I say I have been more to more than my fair share of funerals – but guess what! I don't give a damn about you and your miseries. Funerals are a bitch – get over it."

"You…"

"And by the way," I added. "When this peace treaty is over, watch your back. My lot isn't the friendliest of sorts."

"Are you threatening me!" asked Sakura incredulously.

I laughed. "No, I'm arranging to have a tea party with you, silly."

Sakura staggered to her feet and began to draw a kunai out of her pocket. However, Gai grabbed hold of her wrist to stop her. A serious look crossed Gai's face and he said, grimly, "We have a mission to complete. We can argue and kill later, but for now, the mission takes priority. Once Deidara wakes up…"

"I can handle that," I said. Without so much as a pause, I walked over to where Deidara lay sleeping and kicked him – rather roughly – in the side.

Immediately, Deidara leapt to his feet, reaching wildly for his clay and crying, "Bang! Bang! What's going on! Bang!"

"Nice, Deidara…" I muttered." Very mature."

He paused. Blinked. And looked around. "Whoa… We're back in this hell hole…"

"Yeah. Oh. And Hidan didn't make it. Neither did Neji or Temari."

"Hidan? The rest are worthless pieces of shit, uhn," said Deidara. He looked around at the others and sighed. "Everyone's a worthless piece of shit."

"Thanks…" I muttered. "At least you're honest."

"I was excluding you, uhn. Anyways, why are we standing around here?"

"We were waiting for you to wake up so we could get moving," said Sakura, stiffly. "But apparently since we're 'worthless pieces of shit' we shouldn't have bothered."

"They're finally figuring it out, uhn," said Deidara.

Suigetsu grinned. "Well this is entertaining."

I nodded in agreement and started walking down the goat path in the direction of the city. "It's like World War Three over here…"

"What's that?" asked Suigetsu, catching up to me.

I smiled and batted my eyelashes. "Wouldn't you like to know, Snow-Hottie?"

I wrapped my arms tighter around Gai's neck and sighed. This was so humiliating. Deidara couldn't carry me because he's a lightweight and 'I'm too heavy' – hello! There's only five foot of me! It's the breast, right? That's what makes me seem fat. Hmph. Anyways, Deidara wouldn't carry me. And then Suigetsu has to carry his stupid sword. And no way in hell and I going to ask Sakura to carry me – so instead I am sitting on the back of Konoha's green beast in all his spandexed glory. (I am permanently scarred for life).

"You're not even a shinobi, but you come on this mission with us?" sneered Sakura.

"Yeah, yeah – I suck. Shut up, Ho."

Sakura scowled.

"Question," said Suigetsu. "Why does Sakura hate Dessie so much?"

"It's because I'm part of the Akatsuki," I explained. "And we kill a lot of people… Or it could be because I've kissed Sasuke way more times than her."

Sakura's jaw was some where about ground level. "W-w-w-what are y-y-you talking about?"

I rolled my eyes and my chin bumped uncomfortably against Gai's back. "I hang out with Kate – I know when a girl likes a guy. Naruto and Sasuke, huh? Aren't you building up quite the harem?"

Sakura was turning redder by the minute.

Suigetsu, however, laughed." Oh yeah. You've made out with Sasuke quite a lot. Why don't I ever get any kisses?" He puckered out his lips in my direction and then laughed.

"If you'd have carried me you would have gotten all the kisses you wanted," I snapped.

Suigetsu smiled. "You versus the sword and the sword wins every time."

"Great…"

"What's the point of bringing along someone who isn't a shinobi?" asked Sakura. "In fact, why is someone who isn't a shinobi in the Akatsuki? Can you even use chakra?"

I sighed. "No…

"Shhh!"

Gai came to a halt (forcing my head to ram into the back of his neck – ewww), and the others came to stop beside us. I tried to peer over Gai's shoulders to see what was going on, but his bowl haircut got in the way. Finally, Gai lowered me to the ground and I moved around him.

Immediately, I saw what everyone was gazing at. The goat path took a sudden downward turn with steep, rocky shards jutting out in all directions. And then, at the bottom of that sharp incline, three Wargonians were patrolling the area.

"Oh shit…" I murmured.

"Bang-Bang?" asked Deidara.

I considered. "How about we do the Bang-and-Drop?'

He grinned and began shaping a piece of clay into a bird. The others looked confused and exchanged puzzled glances. Finally, Gai worked up the courage to ask, "What's the Bang-and-Drop?"

Deidara and I grinned up at him, flashing all of our white teeth. "You'll see…"

Deidara brought his bird to full size and the two of up hopped onto the back. With a quick salute to the other, I held onto Deidara's shoulder and the bird leapt off the ledge and soared downwards towards the Wargonians. We plummeted going faster and faster until – at the very last second – Deidara pulled the bird upright and dropped several spider-bombs on the heads of the Wargonians.

"Katsu!" he cried and behind us the bombs exploded in fire and ash.

As the bird soared low along the ground, I leapt off the back and made a stop-drop-and-roll landing along the ground. When the rolling motion had stopped, I staggered to my feet and rushed into the crowd of Wargonians. Deidara had killed two of them and the third one was coughing on smoke and ash. I rushed up to him and kicked him in the side of the head. His eyes rolled back and he toppled over, unconscious.

"Bang-and-Drop success, uhn," said Deidara, coming up behind me.

"As always," I agreed.

Gai, Sakura, and Suigetsu hopped down the slope (damn, their ninja skills) and came to rest beside Deidara and me. Gai was grinned and offered me a high-five, saying, "Now that is the power of youth!"

Of course, I ignored his high-five.

"Congrats and successfully completing a stealth mission, Deidara," I said.

He rolled his eyes. "I fail one time and everyone has to know, uhn. Stupid Tobi…"

I grinned. Gai had turned his attentions to the unconscious Wargonian.

"He'll be unconscious for a few hours," I said thoughtfully. "Tie him up and after that you can interrogate him for ways into the city. The other two are dead, no need to worry about them."

Slowly, begrudgingly, Sakura said, "So you have some uses…"

I grinned. Rule Number Seventy-Three: "Don't mess with the Dess."

I'm pretty sure Deidara face-palmed himself at that comment while Gai practically squealed with delight at my moment of epic youth. He could 'see the spirit of green youth flowing through my veins and – if we ever get back to Konoha alive – he will make me a green spandex suit'. I politely declined with a "Hell no!"

The Wargonian night sky was very different from the one on Earth or the one in the Fence. The sky was a deep, inky shade of purple and the stars glowed red against eh sky. A world soaked in blood.

The others were sleeping while I took the first watch. Gai was snoring loudly and so was one of Deidara's mouths. It made of sort of lyrical tune with one deep snore followed by a high pitched one, and then another deep grunt. I listened to the symphony of snore for a minute and then turned my attentions to something else. Suigetsu slept with his arms wrapped around his sword. Finally, there was Sakura – but she wasn't asleep…

"Can't sleep?" I asked.

She glanced at me, her green eyes glowing in the night. "No."

"Hmm… Is it the sky?"

Her green eyes flicked upwards and then returned to me. "It's… different…"

I laughed. "Welcome to Wargonia. It's still hard to believe that the god I made up to spite Hidan is actually real and now his people's whole fucking army is now out to annihilate the Fence. Damn…"

"The Fence…"

"Your world," I explained. "We nicknamed it the Fence."

"Why?"

I shrugged. "Because we could."

"…Okay…"

"Yeah, face me and tremble in fear, bitch." I laughed and kicked a stone near my foot. It skid along the rick ground and came to rest inches from Gai's foot. "The Wargonia will wake up soon…"

"Doesn't matter," said Sakura. 'He's tied up. And someone will be watching to make sure he doesn't escape."

"After all the effort Deidara and I put in? He'd better not."

Sakura's green eyes rolled and then she said, "Bang-and-Drop? Who comes up with a name like that?"

"We thought it was a pretty awesome name when we came up with it," I said. "It's more effective when more people are alive, but whatever. All those hours of boredom at the Akatsuki hideout finally paid off…"

"Boredom?"

"Yeah. The hideout doesn't have cable."

"But aren't you guys busy trying to rule the world?" she asked.

At that, I let out a burst of laughter and then quickly stifled it. "No, we only do that about forty-percent of the time. Twenty-pecent for sleeping and the other forty-percent… We're bored."

"So you spend forty-percent of your time coming up with stupid names for your moves?"

"Among other things."

"Such as?"

"Getting drunk, watching Kisame screw up people's love lives, getting drunk, having epic broom wars with Hidan, getting drunk, running away from Deidara's bombs, getting drunk, avoiding Tobi, getting drunk, playing poker with Kakuzu, getting drunk, annoying Leader and Konan, getting drunk, and stalking Itachi…"

"… You like getting drunk."

"Yep. Don't you?"

"I'm underage."

A malevolent grin spread across my face and I leaned forward so that my chin rested on my knees. "You know what we call underage people? Designated drivers. Hello, new best friend."

And suddenly, both Sakura and I broke down into fits of laughter. We hurriedly smothered our laughs, though we let out the occasional giggle.

"Whoa…" Sleepily, Suigetsu sat up and looked at Sakura and I. "Bitch bonding…"