Inspired by the end scene of 'Lets Make a Deal' (15x09). Obvsiouly (sadly) CSI doesn't belong to me.

The metallic aura of the locker room always reminded Nick of a jail cell. Not that he'd spent too much of his life hanging out in them, but just enough to make the comparison. A splash of colour in this room wouldn't have gone amiss, the benches were less than comfortable, and it was an unnerving distance from Hodges lab. Hell, there'd been enough renovations in this lab over the years, yet it had only ever changed once. Nick sat still playing with his hands on the bench after his conversation with Russell. He gave Nick a heartfelt smile. "You might never forget Nick, but don't let it eat away at you all day." Nick nodded, not daring to look up at his boss. The last thing he needed was the waterworks starting. "See you tomorrow."

"Yeah." Nick replied as DB left. Once he was sure DB was gone, he put his head in his hands. It felt heavy, and he was sure he felt a headache coming on. He pressed his fingers into his eyes, as if it would help in trying to push the painful memories to the back of his mind. He looked up, his eyes readjusting to the light, the stars fading and his vision clearing in the empty room. Russell's words echoed in his head. "They're bound to collide with our personal lives sooner or later." Russell was right. This case had slammed right into his personal life. Right where it hurt most. Right where it was hardest to let go. It's been 40 years. He was a fully grown man. This shouldn't still hurt. The feeling of her hands pushing his shoulders into the bed, all over his body shouldn't still be so vivid. The fear, the confusion and the pain. He shouldn't still want to throw up every time he worked a case like this or need hours to deal with the flashbacks once the case was solved. But he did. Nick did when he first started this job and he did now.

"Emotions cloud your judgment Nick." He could hear Grissom telling him. He couldn't help it, he'd been a victim himself, he'd felt the pain of being powerless and scared on multiple occasions. He couldn't help the emotions and the empathy kicking in. It was who he was. Pete McCrone's story had been so similar to his own. Hurt by someone a child should be able to put their trust into. Someone who should never have laid a hand on them. But someone who did. Someone who changed their life course. The men they became. "Most kids wouldn't have said anything." Most kids. Nick. He didn't say anything. Just cried himself to sleep every night. Hid in his room every time he was babysat by someone who wasn't a family member. Only ever truly opened up to one person about the ordeal, using as little words as he could, never to be spoken of again.

Nick had always wondered what had happened if he had had the courage to tell his mum what she had done to him, whether she would have been arrested, charged and punished. Or whether no one would have believed him, whether like Pete's attacker, she would have gotten off lightly. With his Dad she probably wouldn't have seen the light of day again, he'd just become a judge when Nick was young, but he had connections. As did his mother. But he'd kept quiet, just like he'd been told. Little Nicky, always doing what he's told.

I would kill her now right? Nick thought to himself. He was sitting in his car after successfully exiting the locker room and the lab. Two hours after his shift had ended. I'd grab her throat too? I'd fill her with fear, take her life like she'd done to me. Probably. I think. His hands shaking as he went to put the keys in the ignition, they slipped out of his grasp, landing by his feet. Nick took in a deep breath, placing his hands on the steering wheel trying to steady something about himself. He reached into his pocket for his phone.

"Willows."

"Hey it's Nick." He replied shakily. Catherine easily picked up on this, knowing something was wrong. She'd worked with Nick for long enough to read him even though a phone call.

"Hey Nicky, how ya doing."

"Well I haven't seen a bomb in a while so I'm feeling a little weird." He joked not quite sure how to ask for help. He never did.

"Nicky that's not funny, you know I lead 7 FBI agents who all think their Columbo and I still worry about you the most." Nick laughed. He sat still for a few seconds, thinking of what he was going to say next. It was too late to avoid this now. Catherine would never stop pestering him.

"Cath, y'know when you feel sorry for the killer, when you wish you didn't find a piece of evidence and you never worked out the truth."

"Nicky, it's your job to find the truth, no matter the outcome. Geez I sound like Grissom. Yeah, I get you, tough case?"

"Yeah." Nick could feel the tears hot behind his eyes. "This kid ended up in prison, then killed..." He trailed off.

"Give me the case Nick." She commanded.

Nick took a deep breath, "Convict found dead in a prison, he had the longest trail of enemies I've ever seen, DA was using him to convict other guys in return for a reduced sentence. One of his convictions was for molesting a kid, DA reduced it to nothing more or less." Catherine instantly knew what this call was about. "Anyways the kid recognised him in prison and killed him."

"So now he's in for life?"

"Yeah, it's so unfair Cath…"

"Nicky you're not responsible for either of their actions or uncovering the truth..."

"It's just so hard to forget you know." He blurted out, closing his eyes as he lost the fight with his tears.

"Aw Nicky, I know how hard it is to forget, I wish I could make this go away for you, I do." She knew Nick well, and she knew that if he was calling her, he was not in a good place. "But no one can."

"Yeah." He breathed back the tears, gripping the steering wheel. He closed his eyes trying to stop the burning. "I just think…I'd...I'd do the same thing."

"What do you mean Nick?"

Nick struggled with the words, "If I saw her again, I...I don't think I could stop...myself."

"From killing her?" Catherine asked hesitantly. She knew how much this affected Nick, but he was a good person, not a murder.

"Nick I think you could. You're not a murder, you're a good person, you."

"She ruined my life Catherine." He blurted out more forcefully than he meant.

"Yeah? Look what you made of it! An amazing successful career, friends that love you, that adorable dog. She might have caused you pain but you're tough Nick, you made it through."

"Yeah." Catherine had a point. As always.

"Are you hearing me?"

"Yeah I am...Cath."

"Yeah Nicky."

"Thanks, thanks for that, it means a lot."

"Anytime. Listen one of my Columbos is pounding on my door, I'll give you a call in a few hours and check in okay?"

"Thanks Cath, love you."

"Love you too, Nicky."

Nick threw his phone on the passenger seat next to him, inhaled a deep breath and closed his eyes resting his head on the head rest. A knock on the window intruded his thoughts. Nick opened his eyes to see Sara standing on the other side of the glass smiling and waving at him. He smiled back rolling down his window.

"Forget how to drive, didn't you finish 2 hours ago?" She asked, concerned seeing something was clearly bothering him.

Nick laughed, "I had some things to go over, heading out now."

"Wanna go for a beer?" Sara asked.

"10?" He asked, only half joking.

"Nick it's 11am." She laughed.

"Y'know Sara, there was a time where you would have said 20."

"Ha ha."

"Usual place?"

"Meet you there." Nick picked up his keys and plugged them into the ignition, watching Sara walk to her car. "Friends that love you." Catherine was right. That evil woman didn't ruin his life. She certainly hadn't made it easy. But he'd fought through. And won. Maybe it did hurt slightly less since the last case had rendered him like this. Maybe he was making process. Time heals all wounds right? No matter how long, one day he'd heal. One day.

Thanks for reading, I've not written a fanfic in ages and was thinking of getting back into it with the lockdown, so leave a review and let me know what you think of this one. xoxo