Summary of Events: The Akatsuki are splitting ways. Hannah, Zetsu, Kakuzu, Itachi, and Tobi are staying in Suna. Leader, Kisame, Kate, Hidan, and Konan are going to Konoha. Dessie, Deidara, Suigetsu, Sakura, and Gai arrived in Wargonia. Dessie and Deidara captured a Wargonian and now they face the daunting mission of interrogation.

Chapter Seventy-Six: Mission Seduction

Rule Number Seventy-Six: Remember, seduction is harder than it looks

Dessie

"What's your name?"

"Why should I tell you?"

I scowled irritable and leaned over to that the Wargonian could see my face. "Because we have you tied up in the middle of a mountain path with none of your people near by to help you. So we can torture you to our heart's content and there is nothing you can do about it."

The Wargonian considered this and then said, "Urm."

"Excuse me?"

"My name is Urm."

I snorted. "That's a dumb name."

"Dessie," said Sakura angrily. "You're not supposed to make fun of the captive's name!"

I shrugged and turned to Suigetsu. "Urm is a stupid name, isn't it?"

Suigetsu nodded in agreement. "Yeah… it is a bit of a stupid name…"

"See," I said, turning back.

Gai, Sakura, Suigetsu, Deidara, and I stood over Urm. The Wargonian man was sitting on the ground, his arms, legs and feet all tied together with thick, unbreakable ropes, while we interrogated him. Urm had just woken up about twenty minutes ago and only now we managed to wring his name out of him.

"So," said Sakura. "How long have you been in the Wargonian army?"

Urm snorted. "Is this the best you can do?"

I kicked him between the legs and he howled in pain. "No, you shithead, we can do a lot better than that if you want us to – but we like being the good guys, so we're going easy on you… at first."

Urm groaned and then regarded me with disdainful eyes. "You sick, bitch. Don't you know the basic rules of combat – do not a kick a guy in his–"

I kicked Urm between the legs again. "I'm sorry, did you say something?"

"She's evil," whispered Suigetsu.

"So tell me," I said. "How do we get into the city undetected?"

Urm smiled. "You can prevent me from having children, but I will never tell you."

I kicked him between the legs for good measure and then Gai, Sakura, Suigetsu, Deidara, and I held council to see if we could figure out what to do. For a minute, no one spoke. We were all too deep in our own thoughts, trying to come up with a strategy.

"We don't have a lot of time," said Sakura. "He'll outlast us."

"We could try torture…" said Suigetsu.

Deidara snorted. "If he hasn't confessed after being kicked three times by Dessie, torture isn't going to break him any time soon, uhn."

"I wish Hannah was here," I said grimly. "She can scare people shitless with just a few words. Urm would be spilling his deepest darkest secrets to us within minutes…."

For a moment, both Deidara and I looked forlorn as we recalled this particular talent of Hannah's.

"Well… Do you remember any of her threats?" asked Gai. "Maybe we can use those to threaten Urm. Even if we can't do it as well as Hannah, we can try…"

I shook my head. "Hannah never let's us hear her threats."

"So you don't know what they are?" asked Sakura incredulously.

"No…"

"Useless…" muttered Suigetsu.

"Look, look," I said, raising my hands to silence everyone. "We can't pull of Hannah's threats because we're not Hannah. However, there is one tactic that I can use that Hannah can't – and mine is faultless."

"And what's this?" asked Gai.

Deidara groaned and face-palmed himself. "Dessie… Don't tell me…"

"Yes!" I grinned. "Mission Seduction – no self respecting guy can resist spilling his secrets to a girl as sexy as me."

"…You've got to be kidding…" said Suigetsu.

"Actually," said Sakura thoughtfully. "That might work. A man may be able to resist torture – but none can resist the charm of a beautiful woman." She smiled and flicked her pink hair out of her eyes. "Especially the charm of two beautiful women."

"Oh-ho!" cried Dessie excitedly. "Let's do this!"

"Great…" muttered Suigetsu. "Bitch bonding might have been a little bit too successful."

"Oh shut up," I said. "Now… How shall we approach our friend Urm?"

Sakura smiled and we strutted over to where Urm was tied by thick ropes. I stood over him, smirking confidently while Sakura sat on the ground beside him, puckering her lips.

"Is it just me." asked Urm. "Or is this image especially disturbing?"

I gritted my teeth and forced myself to smile. "Now, baby, don't play hard to get. You see…" I bent over so that my face was even with Urm's and giving his a full view of my rack. "I get to play hard and you get to be hard."

Sakura choked.

"You suck at seduction," said Urm bluntly. "I'm not attracted to either of you."

"But, honey," said Sakura, pressing up close to Urm. "You haven't even talked to me yet. I feel so forgotten."

"Ugly."

A vein popped in Sakura's forehead and she drew back her fist. "What did you say?"

"You wouldn't dare," said Urm confidently.

Smack! Sakura definitely did dare. Her fist slammed into Urm's cheek. His eyes rolled back and his head jerked to the side. A moment later and blood trickled down from his mouth where I suspected he had bitten his tongue.

"Well," Deidara said as I helped Sakura to her feet. "Mission Seduction failed."

"It cannot have failed," I said confidently. "I am the sexiest thing out there on the plant. No man can resist my charm!"

"Maybe on your planet," said Deidara. "But we're in Wargonia, uhn."

"In every dimension imaginable!" I snapped. "I am the sexiest – just look at this splendid chest."

"Tsunade's is more impressive," muttered Sakura.

"Shut up, Ugly," I snapped. "Mine is more sculpted."

"Maybe," said Gai thoughtfully. "Urm doesn't respond because he's not attracted to girls with black and pink hair…"

"Huh?" I could not understand this train of logic.

"Maybe Urm is attracted to this pretty lady right here," said Gai and he thumped Deidara on the back.

Deidara's eye twitched and he pulled a lump of clay out of his bag. Trembling with rage, Deidara rounded on Gai and said, "You've been travelling with me how long and you still haven't figure out that I am a GUY!"

"Oh." Gai scratched the top of his head and grinned sheepishly. "But you have the spirit of a youthful girl running through your veins."

"I'm going to kill him," said Deidara.

"Wait a second!" I cried, grabbing Deidara by the wrist. "We can't kill him yet! We need him! We need him!"

"What?" snarled Deidara irritably.

"We might as well try it…" I said thoughtfully. "I mean, you do look a little tiny teensy weensy bit like a girl… Only a little though! A vague resemblance that some very dense guys could mistake for a girl…"

Deidara look unconvinced.

"Look," I said. "We need to get information from this guy. And since we all suck at interrogation, we need to seduce the information out of him. Now, from some strange bizarre and likely mentally unstable reason, Urm is not attracted to me. So, we need you to try and seduce him."

Deidara scowled.

"Think of everyone back in the Fence," I said. "Tobi, Kakuzu, Hidan, Leader, Konan, Kate, Kisame, Itachi, Zetsu, and Hannah… Think about it. If we don't get information out of this guy we can never go home and Hannah will end up dating Zetsu…"

Deidara rolled his eyes. "Fine. I'll do it, but not because of Hannah. Because I want to get the hell out of this place, uhn."

I grinned. "Whatever you say…"

The rest of us stood back as Deidara approached Urm. Deidara's face somewhat resembled a squished up pumpkin. Clearly, Deidara was repulsed at the idea of seducing another guy – especially Urm – but it was amusing to watch Deidara awkwardly sit in Urm's lap and said, "Hey… Babe… What's up…?"

Urm looked ready to vomit. "They sent you? You look about as sexy as dog shit."

Eye twitching wildly, Deidara wrapped one arm around Urm's shoulder and said, "Don't be like that, sugar muffin…"

"Listen, bitch," said Urm. "I don't go for girls like you. You're not my type at–"

BANG!

Deidara got to his feet and made his was back across the goat path to join the rest of us. "Sorry," he said. "It just wasn't meant to be, uhn."

"Great…" I muttered, turning back to the group. "Now we only have Gai and Suigetsu to work with."

"Oh yeah," muttered Sakura. "Because Urm is really going to go for them…"

"I want to try!" cried Gai. "The power of youth is flooding through me and I can feel the sexiness coming on."

I sighed. "Sure. Go for it. We've got nothing to lose…"

Gleefully, Gai wiggled over to where Urm sat and put on his Nice Guy Pose. "How you doing? The name is Gai – Might Gai." He smiled and squirmed a little (a dreadful sight to see when a person is wearing bight Green Spandex). "If I may say so – you, Urm, are practically oozing the spirit of youth; I find that very… hot."

"We're doomed…" I groaned.

"Youth?" asked Urm.

"That's right," said Gai. "It channels through you vibrantly. Your…youthfulness excites me!"

…

"Well," said Urm, leaning back and grinning. "They should have sent a stud like you earlier – you keep me youthful and I'll tell you anything."

Gai turned around and threw his Nice Guy Pose in our direction. Sakura slapped herself in the forehead and groaned while Suigetsu cracked up with laughter.

"See," I said, turning to Deidara. "My good-looks are irresistible. The target just happened to by a homosexual and attracted to that… that thing." I waved my hand in Gai's direction, unable to look at the green spandex.

"I know," said Deidara. "Even if he's gay… his tastes are deformed…"

"He thought you were a girl," I pointed out.

Deidara pushed one of his clay sculptures in my face and asked darkly, "What were you saying?"

"Nothing."

"That's what I thought."

Rule Number Seventy-Six: Seduction is harder than you look – don't forget that your target might possibly be gay with very bizarre tastes.

Gai, Suigetsu, Sakura, Deidara, and I gathered around Urm. Gai sat next to Urm (practically on top of him) and smiled flirtatiously while the rest of us glared down at Urm, quite irritated with the shit he put us through.

"So," I said. "Do you know a way into the city?"

"Yeah," said Urm. "Through the front gates."

Gai pouted and I kindly rephrased my question. "Do you know a way into the city where we won't be discovered by the Wargonians there?"

Urm smiled. "Yes."

"What is it?"

There was a pause as Urm though this over. "It's a tunnel through the sewers. The entrance is in a valley on the other side of these mountains and it has exits all throughout the city."

We considered this.

"Is there one that comes out near the temple?" asked Sakura.

"Yes."

"Can you lead us there?" she asked impatiently.

A slow, steady smile cross Urm's face. "Sure, but only if my mean, green, fighting machine comes with us. He's the only sane one amongst you pile of ugly bitches."

Deidara toyed with his clay while Skaura cracked her knuckles threateningly. I had half a mind to join them in their torture of Urm; however, reason won out and I just smirked at Urm, imagining in my head his violent and rather painful death. It would start with some screws and maybe some Chinese water torture… I could use an electric chair… and murder him in the most brutal methods possible…

"Dessie…" said Suigetsu slowly. "We're going to the entrance now…"

"Hold on…" I said. "Let me enjoy this moment…"

Or what if I buried him alive… with a bunch of bugs to feast very slowly on his flesh… That sounds fun. Poison might be affected too… Didn't Deidara say his old partner left some behind? Some agonizing poison that paralyzed the body… Ooh that sounds delectable…

"Okay," I said. "I'm ready to go."

Sakura rolled her eyes. "Why do we have to wait for you?"

I ignored her and turned to Deidara. "Do you have any of that poison left from your old partner?"

"Um, yeah… Why?"

Careful to shield my mouth, I whispered my plan into Deidara's ear and a wide grin spread across his face. We cackled evilly and glanced in Urm's direction. I swear Urm looked ready to wet himself.