I defer my acceptance to school. It just doesn't seem right, moving away from my family when I'm about to have a baby. Despite that fact that I'm already terrified, I don't think that I can do both. And that's okay, because the baby comes first. I already love him so much.

It's January now, and my not so prominent bump has all of a sudden become very large. I'm nervous that he's going to be huge, because of Jared's stature, but the gynecologist has assured me that he's very normal in size for my trimester. So at least I don't have to worry about that. Ellie is home for winter break, and I don't think she's left my side since she's gotten here. But I don't mind. I never mind.

Speaking of Ellie, she's just burst through the door for the second time today, carrying a very large stuffed animal. It's a large brown wolf. I grab onto it and stare at it uneasily. She looks worried. "I thought it was cute… I'm sorry, I can take it back." She says quickly, reaching for it.

I shake my head. "No… I like it." I look at the brown wolf and smile at its familiarity. "It's nice."

The months fly by quickly and soon enough, it's March. My stomach has become extremely round and I'm no longer able to do my work as a waitress, which is driving me nuts because Ellie is still at school and I'm stuck at home by myself. So I spend my time sitting on the couch with my phone in my hand, dialing Paul's number, and then never pressing send.

If I thought I was nervous before, the idea of having this baby in my arms soon is overwhelming. And I know that there are only two people in the world that would make me feel better and one of them I ran away from after sex and the other one I told never to contact me again. I sigh and literally sink down into my bed, pulling that stuffed wolf close to me. It's all I have right now.

"Oh my God!" I exclaim, clutching my stomach. It's nearing the end of April and Ellie has just gotten home from school, so we decided to go out for dinner to celebrate. I had been feeling funny all day, but figured it was just excitement/nerves/nausea. However, the fluid leaking out of me says otherwise. I'm a little bit shocked. "I'm so sorry El," I cry. We're in her car and I'm pretty sure I just peed my pants. "I promise I'll clean it. I don't know what happened. I mean my bladder control sucks but I didn't think I would ever pee my pants."

She gives me a laugh that sounds very off. "Kim, seriously? You didn't pee your pants. Your water just broke."

I can feel my jaw go slack. "What?" I say. "Oh no. Oh no, no. I'm not ready, I can't…" Words are just fumbling out of my mouth. "I have to go get my bag." I finally say.

"Don't worry, I'm already driving towards your place." She says soothingly. Luckily Ellie is good in a crisis because I feel like I've left my body and I'm floating. We pull up to my house and Ellie helps me out of the car, dialing my mom at work. "Yeah. Yeah her water just broke. I'm not sure. No, we're getting her bag. Yeah we'll meet you there." She hangs up and turns to me. "Contractions?"

"Light, but there." Of that I'm definitely sure. I feel like I'm about to get my period. "Not a lot, though. And not close together." I grab my bag from inside, pausing in my room for a minute, and then reaching onto my bed to grab the stuffed wolf. If I can't have either of my real wolves, this is the best thing. I finally make my way back to the car just as Ellie is hanging up the phone again. She smiles at me and helps me back into the car.

"Your mom is going to meet us there, but I'm not worried yet. I don't think you're going to start pushing for a while, you seemed very relaxed." She quotes.

And she was right. We got the hospital and according to my doctor, I was only three centimeters dilated. They got me set up with a room and encouraged me to walk around and keep track of my contractions. They're getting closer together, and starting to get stronger. I could feel the sweat breaking out across my forehead as I stopped in the hallway, grabbing onto the wall and bending over. "Jesus Christ…" I moan, as my mom grabs my hand.

She's murmuring to me and trying to get me to do that "hee hee hoo" noises, but all I want to do is clench my teeth and squeeze my eyes shut until it's over. Finally, I let out a breath. It's been about four hours at this point and I'm already exhausted. I make my way back to my bed and sit down, flumping against the pillow. Ellie grabs my hand. "How are you feeling?" She asks.

"Like I'm about to give birth." I mutter. Why do people do this multiple times, I wonder, as another contraction hits me. "Oh my lord!" I cry out, both hands reaching out. One finds Ellie's hand and squeezes it, and the other reaches for the stuffed wolf that I have lying next to me. And then, as soon as that one is over and I feel like I can take a breath, another one starts. "Why?" I cry out, wondering why this one came so close.

My mom comes back into the room with my doctor, who checks my cervix. She looks surprised. "You're about nine centimeters now, Kim." She says. "It is your choice if you would still like an epidural, but I think that if you get one now, the reduced sensation might inhibit your ability to push properly."

I'm torn on my decision. Ellie grabs my hand. "Kim, I'm here. I know you can do this without an epidural. Look how far you've gotten already, you're nine centimeters. The hard part is almost over. You can do this. And you have your mom, and…" She trails off, but she grasps my hand tighter and continues. "I know how strong you are. You can do this."

I gasp as another contraction starts but I nod with her, in tears. "Okay, I can do this. No epidural." And then less than an hour later, they're prepping me for the delivery room and wheeling me in the hallway. I can feel the pressure in my stomach and I'm so uncomfortable and I'm crying and sweating. "I can't do it anymore. I lied. I can't do this! Make it stop!"

And then, from down the hall, someone calls my name. "Kim!"

A voice I haven't heard in almost a year. My heart starts pounding and I wriggle around, watching his dark form jog down the hallway, almost taking out one of the nurses in the process. I start crying again. "Paul." I sob. "How did you…"

He locks eyes with Ellie. "I'm sorry." She says. "But I thought it was the right thing to do. I know you would have wanted him here."

I nod my head, unable to say anything else. My wolf sits beside me, untouched. I've let go of it so that I can grab Paul's hand. I have the real thing now. He's there with me the whole time, holding one of my legs up. "You can do this Kim," He whispers. "You are the strongest person I know. Keep pushing."

And so I do. I don't care anymore how much pain I'm in. Having Paul next to me was more than I could have hoped for, especially after the way I treated him. "Paul," I croak. "I'm so sorry… I was hurt…"

He shakes his head. "That doesn't matter anymore, Kim. I forgave you the minute I left. I only stayed away because I knew that's what you wanted, and I love you. But I'm here now, and now that you're having this baby, you're never getting rid of me."

I laugh shakily, as the nurse tells me that the baby is almost out. And after three more large pushes, I hear him cry. "Oh my God…" I cry out, as they place him on my chest. "He's so small." By regular newborn standards, he is actually pretty large, but to me, he seems so fragile and breakable in my arms. I can't stop crying and I realize that my mom, Ellie and Paul are all crying too.

After they take him away to check him out and clean him up, they take me back to my room. It seems like forever until they bring him in, swaddled up in the white hospital blanket. I take him into my arms and kiss the top of his head. And then I give Ellie and my mom a look, and they both take the hint and go down to the cafeteria. Paul sits down on the chair next to my bed. He's staring down at the baby, who finally has a name now that I've gotten to see him in person. "You can hold him, Paul." I say gently. He looks terrified.

"No… He's too small. I would break him." He says my previous thoughts about him being small out loud and I laugh gently, beckoning him forward and placing the baby into the awkward cradle that Paul has made with his arms. "Hey little guy," He says gently, tracing his nose with his finger. He looks even smaller in Paul's gigantic arms.

I smile. "His name is Paul Jared Cameron." I tell him softly. "And he's your godson. So congratulations Daddy." I joke.

Paul looks shocked. "Are you sure? Me?"

"Who else?" I say honestly, all joking aside. Who else has always been there for me? "Now come here and give me a hug before I cry again. I've done enough crying today."

"You and me both." He squeezes me, and then looks down at his godson. "Welcome to the world P.J. I'm going to love you so much. I already do."

Two weeks pass, and Paul has yet to leave. I guess now that most of the vampires are gone, the threats have been eliminated and the pack is huge now, so he really doesn't need to be there, but I still feel bad. I know how much he hates being away from Rachel. But he insists that he's fine. "She understands. She's the only person that I told. I just told Sam that I had an emergency. I didn't know if you wanted anyone to know." By anyone, I know he means Jared.

I look over at P.J sleeping in his bassinet and sigh. "I really should tell him. But you're right, I would rather have him find out from me, instead of from Sam." I tilt my head to look at him. "Does that mean that you drove here instead of running?"

He grins sheepishly. "Yeah. I drove really fast. I cut like three hours off of my time, and I almost got arrested twice. I have two speeding tickets that I have to pay. But it was worth it."

"I'll help you."

"No, you don't need to." He says immediately. "You just worry about P.J and I'll worry about the speeding tickets." Speaking of my son, he immediately wakes and starts to cry. Before I can even move, Paul is up and has him in his arms. "I'll feed him."

I laugh to myself. I have barely had to lift a muscle since I got home. Paul loves P.J like his own son. I'm still a little disgruntled that I can't breastfeed, but the lactation consultant said that many women are unable to produce milk, and not to feel bad about myself. I'm also wondering to myself if I should stop letting Paul do so much work, especially because I will probably feel lost when he's gone, but I quickly realize that Paul is afraid of how much time he's going to lose when he leaves. And the guilt eases me back onto the couch, and I resign myself to just watching the two of them together.

Two more weeks pass. It's been just over a month since I came home, and Paul is still sleeping on the couch. It's 4am and I've been up with P.J for about an hour, when I make my way downstairs. Paul is in a deep sleep, snoring, until I poke him and wake him up. "What? What?" He shoots up in surprise. "Oh, hey Kimmy. What's up? You want me to take him?"

I shake my head and sit down beside him. "No, I just want to talk." I inhale the baby scent of P.J's skin to give myself some courage. "I think you need to go home, Paul."

"What?" He says. I hate the accusatory tone in his voice. "I swear to God, Kim, if you say that you don't want to see me again…"

I quickly dispel his accusation. "No, no. That's not it."

"Okay good, because like I said at the hospital, you are never getting rid of me now. Not as long as my godson is here."

I swallow my nerves. "Well, I was actually thinking that we could come with you." I inhale deeply. "I was thinking that I might move back to La Push… I mean, I don't have a place to stay yet, but I figured that I could move in with my brother and Callie for a little, or maybe even Emily and Sam would-"

"You can stay with Rachel and I. No problem. No questions." He says firmly.

I want to cry. "Are you sure? Paul, I'm so nervous. I don't want P.J to grow up without a father and I miss home, and I miss… Jared." I finally admit it out loud. "But I'm so scared to let him back in. I'm scared."

"It's okay to be scared. Just tell him how you feel. Let him know that your guard is up. And he already knows that we are all ready to tear him to pieces. But Kim, I saw what happened that night. I know you probably don't want to hear it. But, it wasn't even what Jared said it was. He was almost completely out of body, and they got into the bedroom and they started to…" He trailed off when he saw my face. "But that was it. He never went through with it fully. And he left. But he knew what he had done was horrible, so he never told you, because he knew it wouldn't matter. He betrayed you no matter what. But I think you're both ready to try again. I know you are. Because you came to this decision all on your own."

I let myself process, my post-birth emotions causing me to sob into his shoulder. "Okay. It's settled. Give me two days to prepare."

And so I did. I kissed my mom and Lakota goodbye and promised that we would keep in constant contact and visit all the time. And Paul generously took P.J so I could spend my last night at Ellie's, explaining my thought process, telling her my plan, and of course, saying goodbye. That was the hardest part of my decision, was to say goodbye to her. I was really going to miss her. But she promised that she would come up for a week once I was settled in a couple of months. "I'll see you in August." She promised, as she hugged me goodbye before I hopped into the backseat of Paul's truck. All my stuff was packed in the back, we were staying overnight at a hotel and splitting up the drive, and I was as nervous as I have ever been.

The trip seemed ten times longer than usual, and I didn't sleep at all at the hotel. I watched P.J's eyes flutter delicately in his sleep and listened to Paul snore beside me, worrying. What if I was too late? What if he didn't want me anymore?

No. The imprint…

Yeah, but the imprint also said he was eternally devoted to me. It also said that we could never be apart, and I've been gone for like two years.

I flopped down onto my pillow and groaned. I hated thinking.

Finally, it hit 6am, and I elbowed Paul in the ribs while I was packing up and getting the baby ready, and then we were on the road again. Three hours felt like a lifetime, but it also felt like only twenty minutes and we were pulling into the driveway of the small, brick house that Paul and Rachel shared. "I guess you convinced her to stay." I murmured. Rachel had always had the dream that once Paul could quit the pack, they would leave and she wouldn't be stuck in La Push. But judging by the house, I was assuming they were here for good, and if not, at least a while.

"Yeah, for now." He goes quiet when she runs out the door, and he jumps out of the truck and swoops her right into his arms. They look like they never want to let each other go, and they've only been apart for about a month. I wonder how Jared feels…

I'm jolted out of my thoughts by a rap on the window. Rachel's smiling face is there and I open the door and let her hug me. "Oh let me see let me see!" She exclaims. "I want to meet Paul's godson."

I nudge her a little as I get out. "He's your godson too, you know."

She squeals a little, wiping a tear from her face as I lift him up out of his car seat. "Oh my goodness, he is absolutely precious." She takes him gently from my arms and he stirs in his sleep. "I love him already." She kisses his head.

I can't help but smile. "You're not the first one to say that." So, as Rachel claims as a favor to me, she takes P.J while Paul and I unpack into the spare room at the end of the hallway. I can't help but feel at home here. After my dad died and before I met Jared, and Paul and all of the pack, I had never felt at home in La Push, but now, I couldn't even remember why I had ever wanted to leave.

And then I realize I should probably go and visit the reason why I had left. I come out of my room nervously and ask Rachel to put P.J in his car seat. "Can you drive me to Jared's, Paul?" I ask nervously.

He nods and after strapping the baby in, I hop in the front seat and we take the short drive not to the house that he was in with his mom, but a new one, that's a light blue, two story, with a wooden porch. I gape at it. "When did…"

Paul scratched the back of his head. "We built it over the last couple of years, with the money that the council had been funding us. And Jared has been working as a mechanic. I think that he built it for you, Kim. If you ever came back."

Oh my god. "Wow. It's beautiful." I said quietly. And it really was. Oh man, my nerves were even worse now. "Is he home?"

Paul put his finger to his lips and closed his eyes. "Yeah, he's home. He's in the kitchen; I think he's making something to eat. He's alone." He nodded. "Good luck, okay? But I know it'll be fine. I have my phone and I won't be too far. Just call me if you need me to come pick you up."

Okay, I can do this. I grab my bag and P.J's car seat from the back of the truck and slowly walk up the porch. My hand trembles as I reach up and rap twice. "Coming!" His voice shouts through the house. My eyes shut automatically when I hear it. Just breathe, Kim.

My eyes fly open when the door is suddenly pulled open in front of me. There he is. He still looks the same after the last year, tall, burly. His big brown eyes are exactly the same as the one's on the baby that I'm holding. His mouth falls open and he chokes on his words.

"Hi." I say softly. We're quiet for a long minute. "Um, I'm back."

"I don't-" He chokes again and looks down at my hands.

"Um, yeah." I stumble. "I'd like you to meet your son."

A/N: Holy CRAP guys! I didn't realize it had been over two years since I updated. I had been working on Backwards for so long, and I was so stuck on this story but I'm back. And I promise you, it's going to be finished within the next two weeks. Because we only have one chapter and an Epilogue left. I want to say thank you to EVERYONE that has stuck with me through these last 8 years and my sporadic updates, and everyone that is newly reading this, welcome and you're lucky that you don't have to wait 2 years between updates. So guys, to fuel my writing bug… PLEASE REVIEW! I missed you guys and I would like to know if everyone is appreciating my story still.