Summary of Events: The Akatsuki are splitting ways. Hannah, Zetsu, Kakuzu, Itachi, and Tobi are staying in Suna. Leader, Kisame, Kate, Hidan, and Konan are going to Konoha. Dessie, Deidara, Suigetsu, Sakura, and Gai arrived in Wargonia. The captured, gay-for-Gai, Wargonian Urm is leading Dessie and co into the city using the secret passages so that they may sneak in and destroy the Wargonians power source.

Chapter Seventy-Nine: So Not Cool

Rule Number Seventy-Nine: Do not, under any circumstances, become imprisoned by Wargonians

Dessie

"This is disgusting."

"Dessie…"

"Yes?"

"Shut up."

I sighed. With his arm still bound, Urm was leading us through the sewers towards the city. Gai had to keep Urm happy while the rest of us were supposed to follow quietly and obediently. Unfortunately, neither of those was my style and so, let the complaints reign free.

"You're worse than Hidan," said Deidara.

"Really?" I asked. "Because that's an accomplishment. I can't wait to get back and brag to Hidan that I stole his thunder."

"On second thought, Hidan is still worse than you."

"Aw, shit…"

Urm glared at us over his shoulder and then grinned wickedly at Gai. It was enough to make me puke. Who would have though… a gay Wargonian…Oh ew…

"Are you as repulsed as I am?" asked Sakura, coming to stand beside Deidara and me. Urm glanced over his shoulder and Sakura quickly covered his face with her hand. "It makes me ashamed to say I tried to seduce him."

"And failed," supplied Deidara.

"You failed at seducing him too!" snapped Sakura angrily. "Who are you to talk?"

"Well, you see," said Deidara. "I tried to fail at seducing him and guess what! It worked! Therefore, out of the two of us, I think I succeeded more then you did, uhn."

Sakura glowered while Deidara and I cracked up laughing. Suigetsu edged over to see what was so funny, but we couldn't find the words to answer him. So, instead, we continued walking and muttering to one another so that Gai and Urm couldn't hear us (we wouldn't want to intrude on their romance).

"I feel bad for Gai…" whispered Sakura.

"I don't," said Deidara. "If I remember correctly Gai and Lee took advantage of Leader during Konan's absence and tortured Leader with the power of youth… Didn't Leader beat the crap out of them, uhn?"

"Your leader is terrible," muttered Sakura.

Deidara and I grinned at her. "That's what you think," I said. "Personally, we think he's just frightening."

"Then why do you follow him!"

"Because Leader is awesome like that," I explained.

"I don't get it…"

"It's like why you can follow that big-breasted heathen," I said. "She's awful and nightmarish but for some bizarre reason you like her and devote yourself to her."

"Tsunade is not awful and nightmarish!"

I snorted. "I beg to differ. She is the reincarnation of evil."

"Just because she has a bigger chest than you…"

Immediately, I slapped my hand over Sakura's mouth. She stared at me wide-eyed and tried to struggle, but I kept her quite. A very serious look crossed my face as I said, "Don't ever utter those words. They are forbidden in my presence if you want to see the light of day again."

"She means it, uhn."

"Whoa!" exclaimed Suigetsu. "There's someone with a bigger chest than Dessie!"

"Shut…up…Suigetsu…" I hissed.

"Er… um…right… I knew it was impossible…"

"That's what I thought." I removed my hand from Sakura's mouth and continued walking, content that I had frightened them into never mentioning that horrible thing again. Deidara followed me, laughing his stupid ass off with amusement.

"You're a mini-devil," I said.

"Bang, bang?"

"Shut it."

We walked a little further in silence. Urm was still trying to hit on Gai. Poor Gai looked very uncomfortable and I found myself growing curious as to what kind of horrifying things Urm could be saying. But then again, I didn't want to have to wash my brain out with soap later and I decided it was best if Urm remained a mystery to me.

"It stinks down here…" complained Sakura.

"Well," said Suigetsu helpfully. "It is a sewer. It's supposed to smell bad."

"I know… but do you think I will ever get the smell out of these clothes!"

"Oh crap…" muttered Deidara, sniffing his Akatsuki cloak. "Kakuzu is going to kill me if I tell him I need a new one…"

"You're right…" I gawped at Deidara. "Oh my Warg! Can you imagine! Kakuzu will kill us all! It will be the ending of the world as we know it! He'll capture us all in his tentacles and rape us in ways we can't imagine! And then he'll use his five hearts to cut us up into little bitty pieces and burn us into cinders before drowning us and crushing us and it the end!"

Deidara grabbed his hair and screamed. "We're going to die! This smell had better wash out!"

"We're doomed!" I wailed. "We're all doomed!"

"Calm down," said Sakura, patting me on the shoulder. "It can't be all that bad. You're exaggerating."

Slowly, from the midst of our misery, Deidara and I turned to stare at Sakura.

"We're not exaggerating," said Deidara. "You don't know Kakuzu like we do – he will murder us all, uhn."

"Brutally," I added.

"All because you can't wash the smell out of your cloak and have to buy a new one?" asked Sakura. "That seems a little extreme… And besides, if we succeed this mission than we will save everyone's lives…"

I snorted. "Like Kakuzu cares. With him it's all about the money."

Deidara nodded. "And he has five hearts… he's pretty safe from death…"

"Five…"

"Five."

"Five?"

"Five."

"Really, five?"

"Godamnit! How many times do you people have to say five!" I screamed. "Yes, Kakuzu has five hearts! It's not that big of a deal besides turning him into a monstrosity!"

"Sorry…" muttered Sakura.

"What are you people shouting about?" asked Urm irritably. "Gai and I are busy up here!"

Gai mouthed "help me" in our direction. Suigetsu smiled and waved back quite happy to leave Gai alone to his suffering. Urm rolled his eyes at us and returned all of his soppy attention to Gai.

"I am scarred for life…" I said.

"My eyes…" groaned Deidara. "My eyes! They burn, uhn!"

"You guys are such sissies," said Suigetsu. "I mean really, a couple of gay guys isn't as bad as you think it is."

"Look at that," I hissed. "Look at it! If you can survive that image I would like to see you try! Don't pretend you haven't been averting your eyes every thing Urm wants to cuddle."

Suigetsu turned bright red. "Dear god – don't mention the cuddling!"

"That's what I thought."

"Hey, hey guys!"

We all turned to see Urm and Gai standing in the sewer, looking back at us. Gai looked relieved while Urm seemed very disappointed. When the rest of us finally reached them, Gai clapped Sakura on the back and announced, "We have arrived."

"Really?"

Gai nodded. "According to Urm we are currently underneath the sewer outside of the Wargonian High Temple. Which means, we need only go up and we will nearly be at our goal." Gai seemed overjoyed at this prospect.

"Right," I said. "So who's going up?"

"Not everyone," said Sakura. "Some people should stay behind as backup."

"I think Deidara, Suigetsu, and I should go," I said. "I've been in the temple before so I have some idea where I am going – Deidara is a long range fighter and we work well together – and Suigetsu is a good combatant."

Gai nodded stiffly. "I can see some youthful logic in that. What should we do with Urm?"

"Keep him down here," said Deidara. "I know how much you two want to be together for longer."

I swear Gai almost screamed.

With a cheerful wave good-bye, Deidara, Suigetsu, and I began climbing the ladder. The rungs were slippery and slimy and, frankly, rather disgusting. The higher up we went in the drain, the darker it became. Each touch of the ladder came with a new surprise (flies, spiders, and maggots – oh my!).

Suigetsu reached the top and with a mighty heavy, he pushed open the grate on top. Sunlight streamed down and illuminated everything. Deidara followed Suigetsu up into the sunlight and I slipped up after them. Thankfully, as Urm said, the exit from the grate was concealed by mountains of trash bags and a rubbish bin. We crawled out and crouched behind the rubbish, examining the situation carefully.

"Well, there aren't a lot of Wargonians in sight," said Suigetsu. "We can disguise ourselves as Wargonians briefly…"

"I can't," I muttered.

"Right, well…"

Deidara grinned and pulled a bit of clay out of his bag. He shaped it into the form of a tiny little bird. "We can fly up to the top of the temple and try and destroy the power source from there. Boom!"

"All three of us?" I asked eagerly.

"We'll have to move quickly then," said Suigetsu. "A bird like that will be noticed quickly."

"The birds a fast way of travel," I promised.

Deidara placed his artwork on the ground and, in a puff of smoke, the bird expanded. We leapt onto the back and the bird flapped its wings and leapt into the air. Below us, Wargonians looked up and pointed, shouting and screaming.

"Invaders! Get them! Kill them!"

I laughed as the gray-skinned Wargonians grew smaller and smaller as Deidara's bird took us up higher and higher. I grabbed hold of Deidara's arm to keep myself from falling. Suigetsu stood towards the back of the bird, trying hard not to fall. It was sort of amusing, especially since his gigantic sword put him off balance.

The bird soared closer to the light glowing at the top of the temple. There were no windows close to the top, but Deidara simply sent a smaller bird spiraling towards the building and blew a hole in the side of Warg's temple.

"I'm pretty sure there's some scripture about that!" I screamed.

"You're a failure of a Warganist anyways!" said Deidara, laughing. "Art is a bang!"

The bird soared towards the newly made hole and, when we were meters from it, the three of us jumped inside the temple. My shoulder hit the ground roughly and I rolled along, trying to lessen the impact. The rolling motion stopped and I lay there, groaning.

"That was a bitch…"

"Get up, Dessie."

Slowly, I opened my eyes and staggered to my feet. Suigetsu and Deidara were already standing (chances are those show-off shinobi never fell down), and they were face-to-face with a dozen Wargonian warriors. And trust me when I say, the Wargonians were not in a good mood.

"They have violated the sanctity of Warg's temple!"

The voice came from behind us and we turned to see a dozen more Wargonians and their high priest, Urkakuk, at their head.

"I told you," I muttered. "There was something in the scriptures about blowing a hole in the side of the temple."

"I think our very existence is a violation of the scriptures, uhn."

"So," said Suigetsu. "Any plans."

"Yeah… Suigetsu… Would you mind running back to the others and telling them what happened?" I asked.

Suigetsu hesitated. "What about you?"

I gritted my teeth and drew back my fists. "We'll be fine."

"You're sure about that?" asked Suigetsu. "What if they kill you?"

"They won't. I won't let them."

"Bang, bang, bang…" muttered Deidara. "We're Akatsuki, you moron. Don't underestimate us."

Suigetsu nodded and without another word, he leapt out of the hole and plummeted downwards. We didn't have time to see what happened to Suigetsu. Instead, Deidara and I turned to face the Wargonians and smiled.

"You know," I said. "There must be something n the scriptures about killing a fellow Warganist…"

"Some how I don't think there is…"

"Well that sucks," I said. "What kind of crappy religion is this? Wargonians will go extinct within the fortnight."

Deidara grinned. "They obviously haven't – otherwise you and I wouldn't have this problem right now, uhn."

"Urg…" I groaned. "This is so not cool!"

"Uhn."

Rule Number Seventy-Nine: Do not, under any circumstances, become imprisoned by Wargonians.