Summary of Events: The Akatsuki have split ways. Hannah, Zetsu, Kakuzu, Itachi, and Tobi are staying in Suna. Leader, Kisame, Kate, Hidan, and Konan are going to Konoha. Dessie, Deidara, Suigetsu, Sakura, and Gai arrived in Wargonia. Dessie and Deidara have been captured by the Wargonians.

Chapter Eighty-Two: Interrogation Fails

Rule Number Eighty-Two: Death threats are sort of useless when you're being kept prisoner in enemy territory

Dessie

Ow…

It hurts…

And I don't say this often, but when it hurts, it hurts. I mean, really, what kind of crazy person does not think that it is painful to be suspended from the ceiling by only two chains that are cuffed to your wrists? It fucking hurts!

Alright, Dessie, I told myself. You can handle this. Go to your happy place… Your happy place…

"Crap!" I cried aloud. "My happy place is so shitty that it's being renovated and I'm not allowed in! How crappy is that!"

Silence, of course, was my only answer. After they had captured us, the Akatsuki separated Deidara and me. They brought me into this prison cell and suspended me from the ceiling with chains. They beat me and left me to rot. No doubt, they would return for questioning, but until that time I was left to my own miserable sufferings – yay…

Everything ached. My arms ached. My legs ached. My head ached. My stomach ached. My muscled ached. I was one gigantic ache fest – and it was not funny!

"Just you wait, you shitty in Wargonians!" I cried. "When I get free of here I'm going to kick you all between the legs and stop any chance of you reproducing! That will put an end to your shitty race! And, if that's not enough, I will call in all my friends and unleash them upon you! I'll tell Kate that you insulted Mr. Nibbles! And Hannah will pound you all to death with her frying pan of mass destruction! Then there's Deidara! Deidara is going to blow all your faces into unrecognizable bloody smears! And Kisame's monster sword will devour you all for breakfast! Literally! And Konan! Prepare for the world paper cut you have ever gotten in your life!"

The door to my prison opened and the all too familiar face of Urkakuk entered, accompanied by his two bodyguards.

Urkakuk smirked and surveyed me scornfully. "What are you rambling about?"

"Shut up," I snapped. "I'm not finished! You see, after Kate destroys you, Hannah beats you, Deidara blows you up, Kisame's sword eats you up, and Konan gives you the worst paper cut of your life – it gets worse! Because Itachi will sharingan your ass from here to Wargonian hell where Jashin rules supreme!" (insert evil laugh here) "And then, and then, Tobi will go all Madara and show you how to kick ass – double Uchiha style! And then… after that… The dead Akatsuki member, Sasori – I think his name was – will rise from the grave and use his puppets to kill you all and poison you all and beat you all to death – in no particular order! And then, Leader will scare you all with his brutal, merciless threats, and after that he'll unleash all six Pains on you and you can only scream for mommy as you suffer! Oh! And then here comes Kakuzu! His tentacles will rape you all! And then his five fucking hearts will destroy you and chomp you to mincemeat! Next! Next there's Zetsu – he will devour you all alive and much and much and munch until you can only feel pain as his teeth rip you to shreds!"

"Are you done yet?"

"Not even close! But I'll end it quickly for you! After all that, Hidan will come! And Hidan will be as pissed off as hell becomes he fucking loves me and you fucking hurt me! And then, Hidan will sacrifice every single one of you to Jashin and he will laugh the entire time, you shitheads!"

"…"

Urkakuk yawned. "Done now?"

Rule Number Eighty-Two: Death threats are sort of useless when you're being kept prisoner in enemy territory.

"Yeah, yeah I'm done."

"Good," said Urkakuk, taking a step forward. "I'm surprised you still have the energy left to yell."

"You'd be surprised what I have the energy left to do," I said darkly.

"Oh?"

"Pervert."

Urkakuk scowled. "I am the High Priest of Warg – I am above such things as perverted tendencies."

"Whatever you say," I said. "I'm glad of that though, because I'd rather be tortured than be touched by you."

Urkakuk's face stiffened, but before he could say anything, the door opened yet again and – surprise, surprise – Urm entered the room, his eyes flashing angrily when he was that I was still in one piece.

"You haven't killed her yet?"

"What are you doing here?" I asked.

"Not yet," said Urkakuk. "We have to extract information from her."

Urm snorted. "Use the other girl – the blond one. At least she's better looking."

My eye twitched and I raised my head to glare at Urm. "What did you just say?" I asked in a low and deadly tone. "Did you just say that Deidara – a guy – is better looking than me?"

"A guy…?" asked Urm slowly.

"You asshole!" I screamed. "The moment I get out of here I will rip you into tiny shreds and feed you too Zetsu!"

"Oh, I'm so scared," said Urm, his voice high-pitched and mocking. "If you must know, when you and the other two left the tunnel, I managed to escape after you and alert the authorities. We were too late to capture the others, but we caught Blondie and you."

"Wow," I said. "So the homosexual Wargonian has a use."

"I'm not homosexual!" cried Urm angrily. "I am Urm, the apprentice High Priest of Warg! I am above such things!"

"It's okay to be a homosexual, you know," I said. "Though I don't approve of being attracted to Gai, of all people."

"I like girls," said Urm angrily.

"Sure you do… Then why do you keep calling Deidara hot? He's a guy you know."

"Who is Deidara?"

I rolled my eyes. "The Blond Fur Ball."

For a moment, Urm just stared at me. Then, his eyes started to bug out and he gasped on air, unable to comprehend what was going on. "Oh ew! Yuck! What the hell?"

Urkakuk sighed and pushed Urm to the side, stepping forward until he was only feet away from me. "Don't give her any sense of power, Urm. She is useless here. And her life is in the palm of our hands."

"Oh," I cried , pretending to wince. "I'm terrified. I think I just wet my pants – you think I can get a change of clothes?"

"Don't mock the Mighty Urkakuk!" exclaimed Urm angrily.

"Quiet," snapped Urkakuk.

"Yeah, dipshit," I said. "Listen to the Mighty Urkakuk – shut the hell up."

"Can I kill her?" asked Urm.

"Not yet," said Urkakuk. "And if you say another word I will force you to leave. Understand? You will not ruin the interrogation opportunity."

"Fine."

"Thanks, Urkakuk," I said. "You're saving me a bitch of a headache."

Slowly, Urkakuk turned back to me and regarded me carefully. He took another step forward until his face was inches from mine. He smiled and said, "So, what's your name?"

I grinned. "I could tell you – or I could not."

Urm ground his teeth together but, according to Urkakuk's wishes, Urm did not saw a ward.

WHAM!

A fist, hard and shard, slammed into the side of my face. I bit down on my tongue of drew blood. The warm, red liquid swelled up in my mouth and I spat it out on the floor. "Now, Urkakuk," I gasped. "Is that any way to treat your guest?"

"Darum."

One of Urkakuk's bodyguards pulled a knife out of his bag and placed it carefully in Urkakuk's hand. Urkakuk raised the knife to my face so that all my right eye could see was the sharp, silver blade of the knife.

"What's you name?"

I glanced at the knife and smiled. "Most people call me Dessie, but you – only you- have to call me Desdemona."

"Well, then, Dessie," said Urkakuk, withdrawing the knife from my face. "That wasn't so hard."

"Desdemona," I corrected him. "I won't answer another question unless you call me Desdemona. Desdemona was the name my shitty mother gave me and only you are so low and vile that you must use that name too."

"Fine then, Desdemona," snapped Urkakuk. "What are you doing in Wargonia?"

"Isn't that obvious enough?" I asked.

"You want to destroy the power source given to us by the great god Warg?" snapped Urkakuk angrily.

"Yep. Pretty much."

"You'll give away your secrets so easily?" asked Urkakuk incredulously.

"Why not?" I asked. "You probably assumed these things already. Just wait until you get to the really tough questions."

"Where are the rest of your group?"

I attempted to shrug, but the chains were too heavy. "I don't know. I was gone by the time they left. The homosexual Urm's guess is as good as mine."

Urm's eyes narrowed and, behind Urkakuk's back, he flipped me off. I smiled and made a kissy face at him. "Love you too, Urm, darling," I said.

"Fine," said Urm. "Is there anyone else here in Wargonia? Besides your group?"

I smiled. "And right about there is when these questions get difficult."

"There isn't is there?"

My smile broadened. "Sure."

Urkakuk raised his knife. "Don't make me hurt you. You know I don't want to do this."

"No," I said. "I'm pretty sure you do want to. You want to maul me into little bits because I am a bitch – believe me, I know. How many times in my life do you think I've been called a bitch?" I started counting in my head, but I lost count pretty quickly. "Nah. Let's just say well over a hundred."

"You're demented," spat out Urm.

Urkakuk glared at Urm and then returned his attention to me. "Tell me. Are there more groups than just yours?"

I smiled. "You can cut me up all you want."

And that's exactly what he did. He pressed the tip of his blade to my cheeks and, very carefully, he began craving a symbol into my cheek. The pain echoed through my skin. I gritted my teeth and refrained from screaming out through the agony. Blood trickled down my cheek and dripped to the floor, creating a puddle beneath me. When he was done with his work of art, Urkakuk stepped away and said, "And now, the symbol of Warg will be forever with you – not that your forever will be very long."

"Awww," I muttered through the pain. "I always wanted a tattoo. I guess this way I can rub it in Hidan's face."

"The Jashinist," said Urkakuk darkly.

"Yeah…"

"Tell me," said Urkakuk." Are there more of you?"

I considered for a moment, before decided the appropriate response was: "Go to hell, dick."

"Darum," said Urkakuk. "Get me the red-hot poker."

Darum walked out of the room, leaving the rest of us behind in silence. Then, Darum returned, holding a long, metal poker in hand, the tip of it glowing bright orange. Urkakuk took the poker from his bodyguard.

"Now," said Urkakuk, returning his attention back to me. "Tell me."

"You know," I said thoughtfully. "Hidan and I always did have our differences. I mean, we're very similar. We're both violent, psychotic, we bitch a lot, and we swear like there's no tomorrow. However, there is this one area we differ on…"

Urkakuk raised the poker and took a step towards me the poker raised towards my face. "Now for the other cheek."

"You see," I continued. "While I was quite the devoted Warganist, Hidan had the misfortune of being a Jashinist – ridiculous, right?"

There was no response. The poker drew dangerously close to my face. "Tell me," repeated Urkakuk.

"In a minute," I said. "Let me finish my story. So anyways, as I was saying, Hidan and I differed on this one thing – religion. It's a terrible thing to differ on, but it happened. We had epic fights about it. And you know, thought the entire thing I thought Warg was one pretty badass god. But, then I fell through that stupid portal and landed in this stupid world and, ever since them, I've begun to realize a great truth."

Silence.

I gripped the chains that bound my wrist and lifted my body upwards. With all the strength I could muster, I swung my legs forward and brought them crashing down into Urkakuk's chest.

Eyes wide with shock, he went crashing to the ground, the poker spurting out of his hand and spearing Urm in the leg. Urkakuk and his bodyguards were too shocked to even react to my sudden outburst. I dangled from my chains and, with gritted teeth and a bloody cheeks, I grinned at then and said:

"Warg sucks. I'm converting to Jashinism."

[The author apologizes for having to omit the scene that goes here, but what Dessie is doing right now is the Jashinist ritual which will cause her to become immortal. The details of this ritual were told to Dessie all the way back in Chapter Seventy: Fondish Farewells where all the readers were dying to know what secret Hidan told Dessie, well, this is it – he told her the Jashinists' secret to immortality.]

Being immortal is the weirdest feeling ever. I mean, really, it this sudden, abrupt feeling of immortality. No one, absolutely no one, can hurt me. Already, I could feel the cut on my cheek beginning to heel and, within minutes, it was no longer there. Just a bloody streak on my cheeks which had once been a cut.

"Damn," I said. "I'm on fire."

The Wargonians gawped at me, unable to understand what had just happened.

"You know," I said. "I really resent this. I'm going to have to go back to the Fence and face Hidan and he's going to be all oh I'm so cool – I knew telling you how to become immortal would come in handy – and now you're a Jashinist. Do you know how that feels? Admitting Hidan was right? Damn."

Slowly, Urkakuk got to his feet and gawped at me uselessly.

I gritted my teeth and let my body relaxed so that I was hanging from the shackles again. "Now I'm pissed."

I jerked my right hand upwards and, with a snap, the bone broke. This is absolutely disgusting I tell you now, but necessary, because, with a broke bone, my hand was now flexible enough to slid through the shackle and, since I am now an immortal, my wrist healed instantly – hell yeah! And I did the same with my left wrist and, completely free of my chains, I landed on the ground and turned to face the four dumbstruck Wargonians in the room.

With my fingers, I formed the shape of a gun and pointed it at each one of the Wargonians in turn.

"Blam! Blam! Blam! Blam! Face immortality, shitheads."