Summary of Events: The Akatsuki have split ways. Hannah, Zetsu, Kakuzu, Itachi, and Tobi are staying in Suna. Leader, Kisame, Kate, Hidan, and Konan are going to Konoha. Dessie, Deidara, Suigetsu, Sakura, and Gai arrived in Wargonia. Kate has captured the serial killer, which turned out to be a Wargonian child who was controlling Tonton.

Chapter Eighty-Three: Drunken Worries

Rule Number Eighty-Three: Never get drunk around Kisame

Kate

"Okay, Kisame," I said, shifting in my seat so that the two of us were sitting face to face while the crackling orange fire cast light on out faces. "I need you to understand this. It is very important that you understand this. The only reason I feel attached to Sai is because he thinks I'm cute – not because I'm romantically attached to him. You see, I love you and only you. You're my boyfriend. Not Sai, not Kankuro, not anyone else – so will you please stop trying to decapitate everyone who flirts with me!"

Kisame blinked.

"Wow Kate," he said, slightly impressed. "That's the maddest I've ever seen you in a long while."

"Because you're so frustrating," I said grouchily.

"And because you're so cute," said Kisame. And, before I knew what was happening, he leaned over and gave me a quick, fleeting kiss on the lips.

My face turned a brilliant shade of red and I quickly turned away. "What was that?"

"Did you like it?" asked Kisame. "Do I get a continuation later?"

My face turned an even deeper shade of red and I shook it violently. "What are you talking about! We're in the middle of a war!"

"All the more reason to do it," said Kisame. "You or I could die at any minute. Besides, dear Kate, you wouldn't want to die a virgin now, would you?"

Immediately, my face turned an even deeper shade of red. "What if I'm not a virgin?"

Kisame stared at me for a moment and the doubled over with howls of laughter. "You? Dessie I'd believe without a second thought. Hell! I might even believe Hannah! But you? No way in Earth, Wargonia, or the Fence would I believe that."

I scowled. "I had guys who liked me back on Earth."

"Do I have to kill them?" asked Kisame, reaching for his sword.

"Kisame!" I wailed, grabbing his wrist. "We talked about this!"

Kisame grinned. Not his usual cheerful grin, but his sly perverted frin that only Kisame could have. Immediately, my face turned bright red and I tried to turn away, but he leaned towards me–

"I'm beginning to see why Kakuzu has issues with you two being couplish."

Kisame pulled away and the two of us (me with a bright red face) turned to see Leader and Konan standing above us on the other side of the fire. Both of them looked tired and haggard. Apparently the war had taken quite a toll on them. They sat down next to Kisame and me, and immediately preoccupied themselves with eating.

"Do us a favor," added Konan. "And don't do any romantic activities while we're around – especially if we're eating."

I pushed Kisame away lightly and edged away, my arms folded crossly. "I told him not to."

"I hear you caught the serial killer," said Konan.

I nodded. "It was Tonton."

"The pig?"

"Well… more accurately, it was the pig being controlled by a cute little Wargonian boy," I explained. "You should have seen him, Konan! He was adorable! I just wanted to take him home with me."

Kisame rolled his eyes. "The concept of 'enemy' is wasted on her."

"I love you…" I said, giggling.

He rolled his eyes.

"The coupeness is blinding," said Leader. "Remember, Konan and I are eating. I have no issues ripping your lips off your faces so that you can never be couplish again."

"Um…"

"Thank you, Leader," said Konan.

"So how is the status on the war?" I asked, trying to change the subject. "I've been cooped up with the medics and all they talk about is death, wounds, and life."

Leader nodded. "That sounds like medics. From what I can tell Konoha will not last much longer. Maybe another week if we're lucky. There wasn't much hope on winning this war in the first place – the Wargonians army is too strong and too powerful. What we were really relying on was Dessie and Deidara making it."

"And if they don't?" I asked.

"We're screwed," said Kisame. "Which is why I think we should get busy tonight."

"That's it." Leader put his food in Konan's lap and got to his feet, approaching Kisame with a rather frightening expression on his face. Kisame let out a shriek that was half-way between a scream and a laugh. He fell of his seat and scrambled to grab hold on his sword while Leader bore down upon him with the intention of "ripping off Kisame's mouth and other important pieces for mating".

"Dessie and Deidara will be fine."

Leader stopped trying to rip off Kisame's face and looked over his shoulder to see Hidan sitting on the other side of the fire eating quite peacefully.

Konan and I exchanged confused glances while Leader returned to his seat and Kisame sat upright, clearly as puzzled as the rest of us. "What are you talking about?" he asked. "What do you know that we don't?"

"Dessie will fulfill her mission," said Hidan. "Beyond a doubt."

"Why…?"

"Because," Hidan said. "As we were leaving Suna I told her–"

"I knew it!" cried Kisame, leaping to his feet and pointing wildly at Hidan. "You told her you loved her and she's determined to return alive so that you two can spend the rest of your lives together!" Kisame wiped a fake tear from his eye. "It's beautiful."

"No, you moron," snapped Hidan. "I told her the Jashinist secret to immortality."

Leader spat out his food and gawped at Hidan.

"Whoa," said Kisame, slowly sitting back down again. "The love confession was far more likely. I did not see that one coming…"

"Me neither…" I said.

"But wait," said Leader. "Weren't you going to go to Wargonia with Dessie? Why did you tell her that when leaving Suna?"

"Because," said Hidan proudly. "I thought we might end up separated – and we did."

"Wow," said Konan. "To think, Hidan actually had the brains and the foresight to plan in advance for the worst-case scenario… The world is definitely coming to an end. I didn't think Hidan's intelligence didn't let him get anywhere past basic slaughtering skills."

"Oh ha-ha," muttered Hidan. "I'm dying of laughter." He threw the remainder of his food, which was practically all of it, back into the fire and got to his feet. "Well, I'm ready to go kill more Wargonians – see you, shitheads." And with that loving farewell, Hidan left.

"Damn," said Kisame, watching Hidan until he disappeared into the night. Then, Kisame picked up a stick off the ground and prodded the embers of the fire gingerly. "Next time Hidan and Dessie get drunk, I am marrying them if it is the last thing I do."

Leader sighed. "Great, another couple in the Akatsuki."

Konan nodded. "Because Kate and Kisame aren't enough…"

"You forget," said Leader. "We also have Hannah and Zetsu – the married couple."

"You're right," said Konan thoughtfully. "Aren't the Akatsuki just an organization of criminally insane romantics?"

"So funny…" muttered Leader, getting to his feet. "We should return to the battlefield too. Kisame, see you soon. Kate – try not to kill anyone." Both he and Konan threw their food in the fire and left, following Hidan back to the front lines.

Kisame and I remained sitting by the fire, huddled together for sometime, and enjoying the warmth and the company.

"You know," said Kisame. "I should get Leader and Konan drunk one time and have them get married."

I sighed and leaned my head against his shoulder. "But isn't the orange-haired Leader a dead body that the real Leader uses as a puppet? Isn't the real Leader somewhere else controlling his puppet?"

"So?"

"So if you get the puppet and Konan married while there drunk, isn't the necrophilia?"

Kisame shrugged. "Your point?"

"That's disgusting!"

Rule Number Eighty-Three: Never get drunk around Kisame.

The next day, Kisame had returned to the war and I was left to work with the medical ninjas again. After a disastrous morning – several people in Shizune's and my care died, none of them were my fault, I promise – I had finally reached my break time. I decided to wander about the camp for a little while. Then, it suddenly occurred to me that I could go visit Adler, the little Wargonian boy.

So, I headed off to Tsunade's tent to ask where I could find him. Unfortunately, Tsunade was not in her tent and it took me a good half hour to locate her amongst the tents. She was between jobs when I found her and, as quickly as I could, I approached her and asked.

"Why do you want to see him?" asked incredulously.

"I feel bad for him…" I said. "He's just a child influenced by his elders…"

"A Wargonian child," she said. "Who was raised on Wargonian principals. He still regards Warg as the superior being and plots the death of us all."

"I won't unleash him on the troops," I promised. "I just want to see him and talk to him and make sure he's being treated right. There can't be any harm in that, can there?"

With a sigh, Tsunade told me where to find Adler and I raced over there. He had been sealed away in the underground tunnels where the rest of the prisoners were. The underground tunnels had been used by Konoha in previous wars and now, against the Wargonians, they were used to seal and torture prisoners.

The mention of torture sent shivers down my spine and I raced to the entrance, worried that Adler might be one of these torture victims. Luckily, I had no need to worry. He was fine. He was sealed behind bars of shinobi making, his eyes wide in trembling fear. However, as I approached, the fear subsided a little. I squatted in front of his cell and smiled. He even managed a weak smile back.

"Hello," I said. "Do you remember me?"

"You're the one who found me…" said Adler. "And hugged me…"

"My name is Kate," I said.

"I'm Adler."

"I know," I said. "You told me in the forest. How old are you, Adler?"

He hesitated a second before saying, "I'm nine."

His voice was so adorable. With a little, high, and squeaking, like a little boy's voice ought to be, he had the most adorable large, round eyes and a charming smile that made me want to throw my arms around him and hug him to death – that adorableness was just to powerful to resist!

"How old are you?" asked Adler softly.

"Me? I'm practically an old granny," I said. "I'm twenty-years-old."

Adler giggled excitedly. "That's not that old." He hesitated, and then asked, "Who was that guy… The one who was with you in the forest. The one with blue skin."

"Kisame?" I asked. "He's my boyfriend. Why? Does he look weird to you?"

Adler shook his head. "No weirder than you look."

I laughed and smiled at him, well aware that the bars of his cell were separating us and, in his vision, divided my smile up into pieces.

"Do you not mind?" asked Adler. "That's he's so different looking from you? The people here talk about the blue man with fear… Like they talk about us. But you're fine with him – are you fine with us too?"

Silence fell between us as I considered.

"He calls me cute," I said. "Does it matter what I look like?"

Adler still seemed a little confused by this answer, but he simply asked, "And what about us?"

"I suppose," I said. "If you Wargonians weren't trying to kill me, I wouldn't mind you."

"Warg demands that enemies be killed," said Adler. "Warg is the god of war. His rule is all. We must obey him. I must obey him. Even if it means your death."

I sighed and slowly got to my feet. "I need to go, Adler. I have work to do, but it was nice to meet you. I might visit you again sometime if I get a chance."

"Please do," he said.

I turned and made my way out of the underground tunnels. Carefully, I made my way through the forest that stretched between the tunnels' entrance and the edge of camp. I could barely pay attention to my surroundings. My mind was fixated on my conversation with Adler – which, of course, was a very bad thing, particular since I ended up walking right into the chest of a gigantic Wargonian man.

"Excuse me," I said. "I'm walking here."

And then it registered.

Gray skin, white hair, and pitch black eyes. Yep, this was definitely a Wargonian man. Actually there was six of him. Six Wargonian men wandering in the forest near Konoha's camp…

…

Needless to say, I screamed.

And ran.

Yeah, the running was the important part. I ran and ran and ran through the forest as fast as my legs could carry me and the Wargonians, of course, chased after me. Unfortunately, they were faster than me and they caught me by the arms, pulling me backwards, their spears and knife exposed, ready to rip me to pieces.

"Help!" I screamed, my voice cutting through the trees. "Help me! Kisame! Kisame! KISAME!

Some branches rustled.

The Wargonians paused before they could rip my face open and turned to see who had arrived on scene.

Out of the corner of my eyes, I could see short black hair, black eyes and a Konoha uniform… It was Shizune… Shizune… My heart raced as panic filled me – what if the Wargonians kill us both! But if she left, I would be killed for sure… The Wargonians must have snuck past our lines and were coming to kill all the medical ninja. Shizune was a good ninja, but she wasn't enough to stop six Wargonians… and me… Well, I was useless.

"Kate!" cried Shizune. "Um… Kisame told me to tell you! The Wargonians said that Mr. Nibbles is worthless chicken who died in vain!"

…

On second thought, I don't think I'm going to die today after all.