Summary of Events: The Akatsuki have split ways. Hannah, Zetsu, Kakuzu, Itachi, and Tobi are staying in Suna. Leader, Kisame, Kate, Hidan, and Konan are going to Konoha. Dessie, Deidara, Suigetsu, Sakura, and Gai arrived in Wargonia. After Deidara and Dessie have been captured and tortured, Dessie has become immortal.

Chapter Eighty-Five: A Brand New Dessie

Rule Number Eighty-Five: Everyone forgets from time to time.

Dessie

"Wow," I said, trying to wipe some of the blood off of my arm. "I never understood what the big deal about Jashinist sacrifices was… but damn Hidan – this feels good."

I kicked the dead body of Urm (the details of his murder I shall spare you, but let me tell you that I relished his death far more than his other). "Well, shithead, I guess I believe you when you say you're no a homosexual. But thanks for all the images that have scared me for the rest of my miserable life – which conveniently enough is forever." I laughed. "I'm never going to get used to his whole immortal and can't die thing."

Silence filled the room and, with a sigh, I slung the poker over my shoulders and made my way towards the door. Surprisingly, the hallway outside was empty and I made my way through them, searching for any signs of life.

Immortality has this strange effect on you. Suddenly, you're invulnerable. No one can hurt you. What does it matter if you get stabbed and sliced into little pieces? You're a fucking immortal!

At this, I actually laughed aloud and swung the poker in a circle, whistling as I walked down the corridor. Yep. I can see why Hidan is such a psychopath.

"You!"

I turned around and saw, standing a little ways down the hallway, was a Wargonian priest. His eyes were wide and he was staring at me in horror, unable to comprehend why I was standing in the hallway and not chained up with Urkakuk and Urm.

"Hey," I said, tilting my head to the side and smiling.

The Wargonian scowled. "What are you doing here?"

"Me?" I asked. "I'm just out for a stroll. What are you doing here may I ask?"

For a moment, the Wargonian looked confused. Then, he drew his sword from his sheath and pointed it at me. "I'm here to destroy you."

I swung the poker around and pointed it at the Wargonian. "Bring it."

As ashamed and reluctant as I am to admit it, the Wargonian got the first blow. He struck me on the shoulder with his blade and sliced the skin open. I clutched my shoulder and wobbled backwards, dodging his neck blow. As long as I didn't have any severed limbs, I was fine.

The cut soon healed and, through the pain, I raised my poker and swung it towards the Wargonian. He parried it and I brought my foot around to kick him in the shin. He staggered backwards and I smashed the poker into his hand, causing him to drop his sword. I picked up the sword from the ground and pointed it at the Wargonian.

"I win."

A smirked spread across his face. "So you say."

"So I know."

And, before I knew what was happening, the Wargonian pulled a knife out of his side-sheath and plunged the knife into my heart.

Triumphant, he stepped back and watched as I crumpled to the ground. He kicked my fallen body and said, "Never assume your opponent is unarmed, idiot."

And, since I can never play possum for long, I grabbed the sword and sliced off his hand. His severed hand and the dagger it held fell to the ground in a clatter and I pressed my sword to his throat, keeping him pressed against the wall.

I grinned. "Never assume your opponent is mortal, idiot."

"You… you…"

"Shut up," I snapped and pressed the sword harder against his throat. "Where's Deidara?"

"Wh-h-h-ho?"

I sighed. "The blond guy who was captured with me."

"Who?"

"The blond fur ball…?"

The Wargonian gasped and didn't answer, his expression still quizzical.

"Fine," I snapped. "Where's the blond chick who was taken captive with me?"

Realization dawned on the Wargonians face. He choked and I lessened the pressure on his throat – just enough so he could breathe – and waited for him to reply. When he managed to regain his voice, the Wargonian said, "Why should I tell you?"

"Because I have no issues severing your child bearing properties."

The Wargonian considered. "Take a left down this hall. Turn right at the first turn. Third door on the right."

I smiled. "See, that wasn't hard." And then I cut off his head – hey, I never pretended to be the perfect little angel. "Sorry Jashin," I added as I started off down the hallways. "I don't have time to make sacrifices. Besides, you don't want these shitheads. They aren't worthy."

I found the door the Wargonian had described easily enough. Unfortunately, I'd forgotten to considered the possibility of the door being locked. I tried everything – kicking it, hacking at the lock, checking the dead Wargonians, and slamming my head against the wall (all that resulted in was the loss of valuable brain cells). I was about to try punching the door when I heard footsteps.

Two people appeared at the end of the hall, talking in undertones. They froze at the sight of me, they black eyes widening in horror.

I leaned against the wall casually and tried to act as if I belong. "Hey."

They drew their swords.

"Well that's a way to welcome a girl," I muttered and raised my own.

I don't really feel like describing the action scene to you. I got stabbed several times and bleed all over the floor. One guy slipped on the blood and knocked himself out and the other guy almost severed my head, but I dodged and slammed his head against the wall.

As it turned out, one of the Wargonians was carrying a set of keys (trust my luck) and I unlocked Deidara's cell.

He was inside (so the Wargonian had been telling the truth – I guess he prized his

balls more than I thought). Like me, Deidara was lying from the ceiling with a heavily beaten body. His shirt was torn off (the Wargonians probably had bets on whether he was a chick of not).

When I came in he raised his head and gawked. "What are you doing here, uhn?"

"I escaped," I said. "Urm is dead. Urkakuk is dead. We have a job to do."

Deidara grinned. "How's you escape, uhn?"

"A little bit of Dessie charm."

"You called them all faggots and when they near you kicked them all between the legs, didn't you?"

I laughed. "How do I break these chains…?"

"My clay is on the far table," said Deidara, jerking his head to the right. "They were trying to get me to explain how to use it. The morons, uhn."

I walked over to the table and pulled some chunks of clay out of it. Then, I fed the clay to Deidara's hands. After chewing the clay thoroughly, Deidara placed it on the chains and, raised two fingers into the air. "Katsu."

The clay exploded and Deidara dropped to the ground.

"Damn," I said. "Badass."

"I know, uhn."

Deidara strapped the bad of clay to his waist and we hurried out of the cell. Carefully to avoid slipping my blood on the floor, we sprinted down the hallway in search of the power source. We must have run though the hallway for an hour or two, completely clueless as what to do. Finally, Deidara gave up and decided the most rational solution was to blow holes in the ceiling until we eventually reached the top. As ridiculous as that suggestion was (and violent) it actually worked. We found ourselves crawling up through one of the various holes and winding up face to face with the golden alter of Warg.

"Dang," said Deidara, kicking the golden box. "Kakuzu would have a fit if he saw this."

"Can you imagine how much that would sell for…" I said thoughtfully.

The box was made out of solid gold with intricate designs on the sides, depicting the chapters of the Book of Warg. Images such as Warg destroying entire civilizations, Warg conquering Jashin, Warg mating with many females, and Warg bestowing power to the Wargonians decorated the sides of the box. At the top, was engraved the symbol of Warg – a circle inside of a triangle – and from each tip of the triangle, a spike extended upwards, each one tilting in to form a pyramid. And, where the top of the three spikes met, a brilliant, billowing, black light jutted upwards though a hole in the ceiling into the sky of Wargonia.

"Well," I said. "I hate to say it, but your destructive 'art' travel actually worked."

Deidara smirked. "Never underestimate art."

"So," I said. "You want to blow the place up?"

"I thought you'd never ask."

"STOP RIGHT THERE!"

Slowly, Deidara and I turned to stare. From the doorway (who uses doorways anymore, blasting holes through the floor is so much more efficient), several armed and dangerous Wargonians came sprinting in.

"Deidara…" I said slowly.

"Yeah…"

"Now would be a good time to go boom."

"Bang," corrected Deidara. "Now would be a good time to go bang."

"Deidara we can argue art later for n–"

I never got to finish that sentence, for at that moment one of the Wargonians threw his spear as hard as he could and the spear buried itself in my stomach.

I gasped. The pain. Oh my Warg – I mean Jashin – the pain… My legs buckled beneath me and I gasped for breath and flopped down on the ground, feeling my own sticky blood spilling out onto the floor beneath me. The pain… The agony… Owwwwwwww.

"Dessie! Dessie! Uhn! Dessie!"

Deidara crouched over me, shouting my name over and over again. "Do't you dare die, Dessie! Hidan is going to sacrifice me to his stupid god, uhn. Dessie!"

"Oh shut up," I groaned, rolling over. "I'm not dead yet."

Deidara blinked. "Seriously."

"Yeah, well, immortals don't tend to die." I sat up and checked my wound. It was already healed. "See."

Stare.

"Dessie…"

"Yes?"

"You're immortal?"

"Yes."

Deidara grabbed a piece of clay out of his bang and tried to stuff it into my mouth, screaming all the while, "And it never occurred to you to tell me that you were a fucking immortal earlier!"

I tried to push his hands away. "Sorry! I forgot! I forgot!"

"Here I am freaking out because you're dying and Hidan's going to kill me! And you're an immortal! I am going to kill you! I'm going to blow you to a thousand pieces and serve you up in a cannibal soup to Zetsu! And he can eat you alive! Munching on your little tiny body pieces!"

"I'm sorry! I forgot! I was too preoccupied with saving your life!"

"Becoming immortal is bigger than saving my life!"

The Wargonians shifted awkwardly in the corner and one of them muttered, "Should we do something abut them?"

"Wait," said another Wargonian. "I want to see if they kill each other."

"Die!" screamed Deidara, shaving my face against the ground, his clay digging into my cheek.

"Never! I'm an immortal!"

"How did you even become an immortal! You converted to Jashinism! You would never convert! I know you and conversion is out of the question! Lies! Lies!"

"Hidan told me how to become immortal! Hidan told me!" I punched Deidara in the face.

"And you converted! Is this so you two can agree on which church to marry on!"

I kicked Deidara off of me and leapt to my feet. "I'm going to murder you!"

"Not if I murder you first!"

And then we both turned around and unleashed our entire strength on the Wargonian spectators.

Heads went flying, flames blasted in all direction, and blood splattered the room. I'll spare you the gory details, but at the end Deidara and I stood over a pile of dead bodies, quite proud of our handiwork.

"Sorry," I said to the dead Wargonians. "Our battles get a little messy."

"What should we name that move?" asked Deidara.

"How about the Fight-Slash-and-Boom?"

Deidara shrugged. "Works for me." His hand regurgitated some clay and Deidara shaped it into a bird. With a puff of smoke, the bird grew to life size and the two of us leapt on the back. With a flap of its wings, the bird lifted itself into the air and Deidara blasted a hole in the ceiling and we soared up towards the sky.

"So," said Deidara. "Where's a rendezvous point?"

"The mountains where we captured Urm," I said.

Deidara turned the bird and we began heading towards the mountains, the wind rushing through our hair.

It took a good ten minutes before I realized.

"Um… Deidara?'

"Uhn?"

"Aren't we forgetting something?"

Deidara glanced over his shoulder to stare at me confusedly. "What are we forgetting?"

"To blow up the stupid power source."

"Oh shit…"

Rule Number Eighty-Five: Everyone forgets from time to time…

Deidara turned the bird around and we headed back to the Wargonian temple. Deidara began shaping a little bird in the palm of his hand and sent it soaring down towards the top of the temple. With satisfaction, we watched as the temple exploded into tiny pieces and the black light of the Wargonian power source faded into nothingness.

"Now that," said Deidara. "Is art."

"Yeah, yeah," I said. "Now let's blow this popsicle stand."