A/N: This chapter is now from Peter's stream of consciousness/perspective. Also, a big big thank you to dipdipdip for the review - its much appreciated!
Chapter 2
Peter's p.o.v:
I was exhausted. No surprise there, not like I'd got much kip. I was strung out; I was filled with guilt. All this nonsense with Billy and my attempt at avenging Susan's death. I'd been nothing but an idiot. I lashed out and my plan had gone so wrong. Worst of all I couldn't find it in me to confess all to Toyah. So much for us having no secrets.
As soon as I'd woke this morning, I felt just as awful as I had done the previous day. I needed to clear my head and get things into perspective. I needed out of the house. I couldn't stand to be inside stewing all day. I longed fresh air. Good idea, Peter, I thought to myself. You may as well feed your caffeine addiction while you're out. That'll help you to freshen up. No doubt Roy will be able to sort me out with something strong.
The walk from the Rovers to café dragged. For as close as it was, it could've been miles away. Suppose that was that state of my head after the events of yesterday. God, forget the coffee – a large scotch is what I needed. At least that would help me forget the catastrophic events of Christmas Day. However, I soon abandoned this thought. I couldn't just give in to the drink. I'd been doing so well. And I'd learnt the hard way due to my alcoholism. All I'd lost as a result of drinking copious amounts… And not being able to stop had devastated the cosy little life I used to have. The life I had once loved.
Upon entering the café, I had hoped it would've been busier, meaning I'd be waiting for some time for my order. It would also give me some form of distraction from the torturous thoughts that were all encompassing. Unfortunately, most of the street must have been tucked up in their warm beds, most feeling rough from the previous night. That was something he would no longer be a victim of. At least that was one incentive of being teetotal. According to Shona, I was the first customer of the day and was served within seconds. I waved goodbye as I left with polystyrene cup in hand. I was already dreading the lonesome walk home. The only company being my guilty conscience. However, I was pulled from my thoughts as I yanked the café door open. Suddenly, my whole body shook as I saw a face I was least expecting to be met with. It was only Carla Connor.
Was I hallucinating? Was it really her? It was really her! I was stunned like a deer caught in the headlights. It had been three years without contact and there she stood, smiling at me with her luxuriously large lips. And yet her eyes looked sad. Her emerald gems told me how she truly felt. They could never fool me. She looked much the same as she had three years ago, and yet looked so different. She appeared to give off an unusual aura. Not the usual Carla. I wanted to speak, but I didn't know what to say… Whereas three years ago I wouldn't have needed to think about what to say to her. When I was in her company everything felt right. However, stand there, I was so frightened to say the wrong thing… After all this time. And especially with Michelle's burning stare. standing by her side.
'Hi,' she said, attempting to start a conversation.
'Hi'.
'You look well'. God this was awful. Not how I ever imagined the conversation would go. It was like pulling teeth. Small talk had never been either of our strong points. And I wasn't making matters easy for her, giving abrupt responses. Perhaps I was behaving in this way due to the last twenty-four hours. But that wasn't Carla's fault. I shouldn't be taking it out on her. I could feel her teasing the conversation out. She confessed that she had heard about mine and Toyah's baby news. God that was the last thing on my mind. How could I bring a baby into my family with all this mess that had arisen?! And it hurt, the way she harped on about life revolving around babies. I could hear the pain in her voice. And for that, it made it all the harder to keep the conversation going. So I ended it. I excused myself and walked away. It was that easy… Ha, that's what I'd try to tell myself anyway. When in reality I was raging at myself for being so evasive towards her. Towards my ex-wife. Ex-lover. One of many, admittedly, but she would always be special. We knew each other inside out. We were like two pieces of a jigsaw puzzle: we didn't work alone; but together, we fit. A perfect match. Still could've been if I hadn't been such an egotistical cheating bastard. I ruined us. No, I totally obliterated us. All of a sudden it didn't matter how much chemistry had been there. It was nothing to do with love; it was trust. I deceived her and in the end she couldn't trust me. And I'd been suffering ever since. That's the least I deserved, whereas she deserved nothing but happiness. I'm certain she'd never have to look far for love and adoration. I mean, one glimpse at her after three years and I was mesmerised; just as I had been many lives ago. She still had the same effect on me: she made my heart beat like a drum.
I wish I could rewind and play out our encounter all over again. I would've behaved so differently. It's just… I've had so much on my mind… And then there she appeared before me. Immediately all my guilt and fears had vanished as she became my main focus. I just needed a chance to rectify my mistake. To make her see that it wasn't anything she'd done… I'd hate her to think I was rendered miserable at the sight of her.
Once I returned home, I was ready to open the bar. It was time to think about work, but I couldn't just erase her from my thoughts like that. She often wandered through my consciousness and I knew it would take days for her to disappear from my thoughts. And in the most masochistic way possible, I didn't want her to vanish from my tortured thoughts. There I wanted her to remain, but not just in mind; in body, too. Now I'd seen her, no matter how brief it had been, I craved her presence. I desired to be given the chance to drink in all her features again. Remind himself of her striking beauty. If anyone could read my mind, they'd think I was cheating. I have a girlfriend. She should be who I'm thinking of. But things were different with Carla. We were spiritually connected; two halves of a whole. And seeing her again, riled up all the feelings I thought I'd laid to rest.
As the day wore on, I couldn't shake the image of Carla off. Everywhere I looked, I could picture her. I saw her everywhere I looked. I could see her sitting in a number of the booths, standing at the bar, heading to the toilet… I could even see her in the back room. I shuddered as I was reminded of the last time we were in that room together. I had been desperate to show I still loved her. I begged like a dog. If that doesn't convince anyone how intense my feelings were, then I don't know what would.
Days crept by and I hadn't seen her since our initial encounter. Where was she? Had she left town? Was she avoiding me? I couldn't help all these thoughts swarming through my mind. I was stood behind the bar… It was pre-lunchtime rush and I had nothing but my thoughts to occupy me until two brunettes walked through the door – Carla and Michelle. My heart was in my mouth. There she stood before me for a second time in the past week.
'Orange juice, please'. She smiled right at me. I returned the courtesy.
'I know its early, but I'm gonna have a cheeky gin n' tonic', Michelle said. Her request was followed by Carla asking me if I knew anything to do with the Police knocking at Eileen's door. Michelle muttered something about Todd's disappearance. Instantly filled with guilt, I spat an irritated response, quashing the conversation. As I turned away from the women, I couldn't help feeling like I'd ruined our second encounter due to my erratic mood. Again, I'd messed up… While I poured the drinks, it baffled me that Carla ordered an orange. How ominous… This only encouraged me to quiz all possibilities for her not drinking. For Carla it was never too early for a glass of red. So what was up? Could it be dry January, cutting down on booze, or she… Could she be pregnant? The latter seemed the most plausible as far as Carla was concerned. But then I was only thinking of the Carla I knew, not who she is now. Nevertheless, I was determined to find out.
As it hit twelve o'clock, the afternoon shift staff had arrived – Eva and Sarah – meaning I could take a dinner break. Sitting in the back room with a strong black coffee and a copy of the gazette, I attempted not to let my mind falter to the disaster that was my life. I was clearly failing as I couldn't even get past the front headline without thinking what an arse I'd been to Carla, along with my qualms regarding Billy. If he didn't pull through, I knew that would be too much guilt to bear. I was brought out of my thoughts as the door to the back room creaked open. Expecting to be greeted by Toyah, I was taken aback when none other than Carla Connor stood in my door way. Naturally, I grinned at her like a Cheshire cat which she took that as an invitation to enter.
'So the rumours are true. You do own this place', she playfully commented.
This is your chance, Peter, I thought to myself. Make things right. Apologise for being a complete and utter arse.
'So to what do I owe this pleasure?' I cockily responded as I put my paper down, folding my arms across my body, awaiting a response….