Chapter 8

Carla's p.o.v:

'Looks like I haven't got much choice', I muttered, 'but not ere. Can we go somewhere else?'

'Sure', he eagerly responded, 'you name a place and that's where we'll go'.

'This might take some time… I realise we've got a lot to talk about'. I sighed as I was reminded of the emergency appointment that I'd been assigned at the medical centre. Apparently I was a "priority patient". Looked like I'd be missing that then. And this is where Peter became an issue; I was unable to live a life without chaos consuming my every day. While he was the best thing to come from my past – which was certainly saying something – he still managed to disrupt the calm which had entered my life since moving to Devon. But I attracted tumult - it is part of who I am. I was a glutton for punishment. 'Upstairs?' I asked motioning towards the door connecting the café to Roy's flat.

'Erm', he paused, 'wont Roy mind?' He was evident hesitant of my suggestion.

'He's working', I blurted, desperate to get this over with. 'I can't tell him not to pop upstairs, Peter. It's his home, I'm just his temporary lodger'. I saw the look on his face. I recognised it; the look of disdain when he wasn't getting his own way. He wanted us to re-enact our "coffee date" down at the Precinct. But that wasn't appropriate in this situation. We had to be in private in order to be as honest as possible. Ha, hark at me being so frank… Oh the irony. 'Look, I'll politely ask if he'll stay clear, but I'm not making Roy feel unwelcome in his own home – no way! Take it or leave it Peter'. Realising this was my final offer, and clearly adamant to talk to me, he nodded… It was a very hesitant nod, but albeit a mutual agreement was made.

Roy, having been very understanding and as accommodating as ever, had no hesitations to giving Peter and I a bit of privacy.

I inhaled a deep breath as I reached the top of the stairs, mainly out of exhaustion. Something I'd begun to get accustomed to in the last few months. As I stood on the landing, I could see the back of Peter's head as he lounged on the sofa as he awaited my presence. I could feel anxiety consuming me in mind and body; I was terrified. And how couldn't I be? What would happen? The last time I was in a room with Peter, alone, we kissed. NO. We passionately kissed. We both knew it. That's why I'd told him we needed space. But instead of space, here we were. Together. Again. However, instead of standing here, allowing these thoughts to dominate me, I really ought to be telling him.

Time to face the music, Carla. I exhaled, plastering a smile on my face as I strutted into the living room.

'Right', I said as I sat next to him, angling my body towards him as I sat next to him.

'Right', he echoed. 'I would ordinarily say ladies first, but I really think I ought to go first'.

'I think you're right… Although I think Daniel brought me up to speed before he scuttled off'.

'I'd rather you heard it from me. The truth and the whole story', he admitted before asking, 'what exactly did Daniel tell you?'

'I think you heard', I said, trying to press on and got to the crux of what had gone on. 'Just that you and Toyah have broken up… That's it', I admitted.

'That's it?' He sighed before adding, 'well it's a bit more complicated than that… I finished it with her, but she knew it was coming to an end… She'd just been trying to hold out for a while longer, especially with the baby –'

'Peter, I don't want to sound conceited, but I hope you haven't split up with her because of me. Y'know, I don't think I'd be able to live with myself if I became the reason for your break-up, destroying the family unit you'd started to build...', I prattled on.

'Will you just listen to me? I've said already, it's a bit more complicated than that. I was gonna have to finish with her at some point, especially with you being back', he admitted as he grabbed one of my hands which had been resting on my lap, in an attempt to comfort me as I allowed him to explain without any interruptions.

'You can't say things like that to me'. He ignored this comment as he started to stroke the back of my hand.

'Anyway, we argued; then we talked a bit once she'd calmed down and it was then that she told me she'd found out that Jacqui – that's our surrogate – had a miscarriage'. Admitting this, he began to slide his fingers in between mine, interlocking them. If he hadn't been delivering such bad news perhaps I would've appreciated it all the more, just by the soft touch of his hands. He still had that Midas affect on me... Despite all that had happened.

'Oh Peter', I whispered. I could totally empathise with Toyah. I knew how that felt. I knew how she'd be feeling. I wouldn't wish that feeling on anyone. 'that's awful… No wonder she was so erratic'.

'You're such a good person; you always see the good in people', he uttered.

'I can just remember how I felt when it was me', I whispered. I received no reply, but what could he say? Anyway, this wasn't the time for bringing up not so fond memories. As if he wouldn't be feeling bad enough. 'Come here', I said as I held out my arms for him to embrace. He dived towards me, gripping my t-shirt as I created a barrier around his frame, with my arms, in an attempt to make him feel secure. No doubt he was feeling so vulnerable - that I could relate with too. Before long I was rubbing firm circles on his back, expecting the tears to start flowing. But nothing. 'Peter?' I said as I pushed him away, in order to look him in the eye. 'You know you are allowed to grieve'.

'I know – and I want to. But I feel numb about what's happened. I feel like it wasn't even my baby, like this has happened to someone else. I don't know why I feel like this. I've felt this way since the beginning of Jacqui's pregnancy. Perhaps it's because it's unlike any pregnancy I've ever been involved in. I felt so disconnected to it, and that was before it was born. I don't feel like I'd prepared myself for how different this would be... While its tragic news, I can't help feel it was for the best'.

'You can't talk like that'. I was shocked at his harsh attitude towards the subject. Perhaps in a few days when the dust settles and the stark reality of the situation sinks in, he'll begin to express genuine emotion. 'You just need to give yourself some time...'

I wasn't aware of how long we'd been sat in Roy's living room, but so far there had been no interruptions. Perhaps we hadn't been sitting like this for as long as I was imagining. Maybe I was feeling this way as our topics of conversation had swiftly moved on. We were now discussing me... About how I felt; about how he felt, too. I was finding this a particularly difficult predicament to be in.

'I am aware that you heard everything I said to your brother… So I suppose there's no point in me repeating myself. But I just want you to get one thing straight: I'm not looking for a relationship right now. That's not what I need', I confessed. He frowned as he tried to digest this information. 'Peter, what did you think would happen? That you'd finish things with Toyah and we'd fall passionately into bed together? I paused before reminding him, 'What you've been through is the last twenty-four hours is awful. I can imagine your head is buzzing as it tries to process everything. You need some headspace to mull over everything'.

He managed to avoid part of my protestation, acknowledging only the parts that seemed to interest and concern him. 'But I heard you tell Daniel that it would only be a matter of time before you caved in. Admit it Carla, you're tempted-'

'Yes I am tempted. That is why I didn't want to have to see you face-to-face for a few days. I needed time to think. And yet here we are. And its likely I will feel like this the more I see you. However, I'll be honest, I cant imagine a single day without you in it. But like I've just said, a relationship isn't what I want, nor what I need. And I don't think its what you need either, darlin''.

'You're just as complex as the day you walked into that AA meeting... Some things never change', he whispered. Maybe he'd hoped I hadn't heard him - I couldn't be sure - but I had. And he was right. 'Why can't you you just give in to it? I'm willing to', he admitted. I felt like I was having dejavu as he mumbled these words.

'Peter, I'm not gonna keep repeating myself… I'm fed up with this conversation'.

'What if we were to take things slow?' he suggested, almost pleaded with me.

'Peter!' I shouted, starting to lose my rag. He really was a chancer. Either this was an immediate rebound or he was serious. The signs for both had been there. And somehow, as he sat next to me, begging, I almost felt persuaded to give him a chance, despite telling him otherwise… woman's prerogative. 'Peter', I repeated, though this time I remained calm. 'I don't think you're thinking straight darlin', and I think you're just running to me because it gives you a sense of security. I don't want you to regret it if the chance ever arose. I think its too soon'. However, I had hinted that it was a possibility, which he held onto - tightly.

'That's why I suggested we take things slow. So how about it?' he questioned in a flirtatious manner. 'You make me feel safe', he muttered. The very words I'd said to him only days ago. Things were already progressing too quickly, and I wasn't sure if I was ready to make a big commitment. I had so much else to be focusing on rather than rebuilding a relationship with my ex-husband. But as I looked into his eyes, his chocolate brown orbs examining me, no doubt trying to gage my reaction… He knew I was close to resisting. After all, I wore my heart on my sleeve.

'You know the feelings mutual', I uttered as my head hung. Not in shame, but in defeat. He wasn't going to stop until he'd worn me down. And I was getting gradually closer to giving in.

'Alright', I exclaimed, beginning to tire of his attempts. His persistent attitude reminded me of a conversation me and Simon once had... About Peter's ability to blag his way through life. 'Slow', I sighed, annoyed that he had gotten the better of me.

'Well you could try and sound a bit happier, couldn't ya?' he half joked. I looked at him, rolling my eyes at his drole comment.

'You weren't giving me much choice. I've been trying to fight this since I saw you… When I came back'.

'That makes two of us'. He smiled briefly as his thumb resumed to stroking the skin on the back of my hand. 'Proves your not as hard hearted as some are lead to believe', he joked. However, I was determined in keeping it sensible on my part... I still had a few things to get off my chest.

'I just didn't expect it to happen so rapidly. For my feeling for you to come rushing back'. He was about to respond but I cut him off while placing a forefinger on his lips to shush him. I hadn't finished. I was just getting started. 'I just… I think I'm scared. I've been scared of letting go and giving in to how I really feel. My chest feels like it might rip apart if I were to see you with another woman, but I also don't want us to be parters. Just like that', I said whilst clicking my fingers. 'Like nothing had ever happened... Previously. I think its easier this way… If we we're serious… About… Getting back together – eventually – that we do take things slow. If we want to make a real go of us, then we've got to learn from our past mistakes. Both of us'. I looked directly at him as I concluded my long winded 'speech'. He nodded rather enthusiastically in agreement. I just hoped to god he wasn't just telling me what I wanted to hear. 'Okay so lets clear up a few things, shall we? We take things slow; we don't put a label on whatever this is until we've worked it out; we spend enough time together – alone; and most importantly, we don't let on to anyone… And I mean anyone. Its too soon for anything too heavy. You've only just split up with your girlfriend... You still need to work out if this is what you want'.

'Oh I know exactly what I want', he reassured me as lust seeped through his tone. 'You', he whispered. 'So I'm willing to do whatever you want. Anything to prove how much I want to be with you'.

'You do realise I'll remind you, you said that?' I smirked, feeling we'd taken a step forward in resolving the sexual tension which filtered the air. 'Right then', I said smiling at him.

'Right', he responded. It appeared we were drawing to the end of our 'discussion'. 'So what now?' he asked. I liked that he was putting the ball in my court. He was taking my lead, going as slow as I wanted to take things... That would surely earn him some extra brownie points.

'Now you let me know when you're free?' I suggested. He smiled, looking fairly content despite the tumultuous twenty-four hours he'd just endured.

'That I can do', he jested. It was my turn to smile. 'Right well I'm gonna need to get a place sorted out for tonight', he informed me. I was hoping that wasn't a hint because there was no way I was allowing that to happen. I said we'd take things slowly and slowly it would be, for the foreseeable.

'Okay well good luck', I said, attempting to be dismissive. He rose from his place on the sofa, I mimicked his movements and followed him as he headed to the door.

'Come here', he said after opening the door, opening his arms out. I rushed into them, loving the way his arms snaked round my waist. As if no one's arms belonged there but his.

'Well this is nice', I hummed. He pulled away, sliding his hands down so they rested on my hips. I gaze at him, happy he had somehow persisted and managed to convince me that we could give things another go. In time. He beamed at me, confirming he must have been thinking along the same lines.

'Right, well, I better be going', he stated. I nodded before he jumped back into conversation, 'I'll text you later', he said before he drew in towards me as he pecked my cheek. As he pulled away, he looked at me to check that he hadn't made a move too soon. 'Sorry, that wasn't too soon, was it?' he asked self-consciously.

'Peter we've already kissed. Twice. So I don't think a kiss on the cheek is pushing it in the slightest', I retorted, smirking at the sensitive side to his personality.

'I just wanted to –'

'Peter, it's fine', I reassured him. 'Next time you can kiss me… Properly… If you're lucky'. I winked at him, noticing his eyes practically bulge with excitement.

'Well in that case, I shall have to brush up on me chat up lines if I want to get in the lady's good books', he joked as he stepped out onto the landing. I chuckled as I enjoyed the flirty mood we'd ended on. Oh how the conversation as well as the atmosphere had altered...

'I'll hold you to that', I flirted as I watched him descend the stairs. He glanced up at me before I was out of his sight, cheekily winking back at me.

I was smiling until he was out of sight. As soon as he was gone, fear began to reside within me. Fear over a number of things: of Peter, of my illness, of the lies I'd told since returning home. I'd managed to be the most honest with Peter. However, there was one major thing I'd avoided discussing. Something which was bound to unfold... Especially the more time we spent together as we attempted to redevelop our "relationship". Soon enough he'd discover something wasn't quite right. He maybe wouldn't be able to pinpoint what it was, but it was bound to all come out in the wash. The truth always did. Eventually he would find out that I had a kidney disease. I didn't want to tell him further down the line, once he'd gotten in too deep to discover that I'd kept this from him. I needed to tell him, but it wasn't just the sort of thing you casually drop in to a conversation. I didn't want to us to fail before we'd even begun to start over again. I had to tell him. And soon. Before he began to hate me for the lies I'd told.