"Listen, Erika… We need to talk about Miho."
Erika's heart dropped. "Listen… I'm not gonna underestimate her again, she won't beat us twice. Even without you here anymore." She hoped that was all Maho wanted out of her.
"This isn't about that, and I think you know it." Another lurch, even worse this time.
"After the finals, I spoke to her. We've visited each other a handful of times since. We talked through our grievances and found closure. And so far as I know, you haven't yet had the chance to do the same."
"Look, she left and that's all there is to it! Maybe I was hard on her, but-"
Maho frowned at her through the screen. "You've got to settle this, like it or not."
Erika hung her head. "Yes, commander."
"Erika." Her voice was firm, impatient. Erika hated to hear that voice, but she really didn't want to face this discussion. "I'm not asking you this as your commander, or even as Miho's sister. I'm asking you this as your friend."
"Sorry, Maho." Erika relented. "It's just… You know I don't want to talk about it."
"You're going to have to, eventually." Maho's expression softened, and she sat back in her chair a little. Erika counted herself as one of the lucky few to see her without her characteristic glare. "I know this has hurt you a lot, but it's not fair on either of you to keep worrying this wound."
At this last point, anger finally surged up and outweighed her shame.
"On either of us? She's the one who left me, Maho!"
Erika had been bottling this up for a while. Miho's decision to transfer suddenly after disgracing herself in the previous year's finals had been devastating news. But then later that very same day, Miho had taken her aside and broken her heart.
"Whether you want to accept it or not, you know why she broke up with you." Maho's tone was flat, matter-of-fact. It cut through Erika's reverie like a knife, and only made her angrier.
"I would have done anything for her, Maho! We could have made it work! If she'd been ready to try-"
"Erika!" Maho sounded angry now. Erika knew it wasn't a good idea to discredit Miho to her older sister, but the words came out before she could stop herself. Maho's quiet rage terrified her just enough to keep her quiet. "Miho left because it was her best chance at finding some real happiness."
"Couldn't she have been happy here? With me?" It sounded like a plea. Erika supposed it probably was, even though it was far too late and entirely the wrong person to beg with.
"Did she ever seem comfortable at Kuromorimine? Her relationship with you notwithstanding, she never liked it here. She wasn't cut out for our lifestyle. Or our tankery."
Erika opened her mouth, but nothing came out. She knew the truth better than anyone, even the things that Miho never felt she could tell her prodigal sister. The strict routine suited Erika personally, and Maho was her mother's daughter, but Miho was only ever a Nishizumi in name. It had been charming at the time, with Miho so different from anyone else at the school, but it never occurred to her that it might force her to leave.
"And then," Maho continued, "our mother disinherited her. She could not have stayed."
"Yeah, but-"
"And the two of us made her life a misery while she tried to make new friends."
"She needed to feel bad!" Erika replied, frantic to defend herself.
"And do you think she didn't?"
Erika considered that for a moment. Of course, deep down she knew that Miho had to feel bad about it. The tears at the time had definitely been genuine for both parties, and she knew that Miho never could have wanted to hurt her.
But looking at her, sitting in chic cafes with her stylish new friends, chatting and smiling in that way she'd found so hard back on their school-ship… It hurt.
"Yeah she did, but…"
"It hurt you to see her so happy?" Maho asked bluntly. Maho Nishizumi was many things, but delicate and perceptive were not among them. Those were always Miho's fortes.
"No! Nothing so cruel. I wanted to see her happy, I really did! But… well, it hurt when she got that without me."
"And then-"
But Erika cut her off. "And then- And then that scruffy other girl, that Akiyama, she… She's…" She didn't really know how to finish what she was saying. Laying it all bare like this was incredibly humiliating, especially directed towards someone she had looked up to for so long. She felt dirty for even thinking these things about Miho.
Maho did at least have the presence of mind to maintain a tactful silence.
"Do you… think she moved on too quickly?" Erika asked at last. Even now, close to a year later, she still didn't feel like she could be with anyone else. But Miho… she'd replaced her after just a couple months.
"Erika, I… You know I really can't understand this kind of thing." Maho replied. She sounded genuinely sympathetic at least. "But she's happy, at Oarai. And she's happy with
Yukari. Have you met her?"
"No, I haven't met her." Erika said angrily. "As you can probably guess, we're not really on speaking terms."
"And is that making you happy?" Maho asked. Erika knew she didn't have to answer.
"You've not been yourself since she left. But she's happy, and she's moving on. You need to as well."
But I don't want to move on. Erika tried to say, but she couldn't open her mouth.
Instead, tears started to well up in her eyes. I want to be with Miho again.
She missed her sunny smiles, her nervous laughs. The way she made every room a little brighter. Her cute hobbies and interests, such a breath of fresh air in a world of oil and steel.
"She was my world, Maho…" Erika said quietly, hot tears rolling down her cheeks.
Through blurred vision, she saw Maho's expression soften again, and she leaned in closer.
"Listen, Erika… I'm sorry." The apology hurt even worse. She felt like an embarrassment. Miho had moved on, why couldn't she?
Erika shook her head, but the tears weren't fast stopping. She'd been holding them back for months - Panzermädchen didn't cry.
Her life had ended when Miho broke up with her. Since then she'd done everything she could to keep herself busy - Tankery took up a lot of time, and in doing so she'd managed to get even closer to Maho. But here, sitting in front of her laptop, it felt like the first time she'd had the chance to stop and reflect upon it.
Eventually her sobs gave way to gross sniffling, and she finally managed to open her eyes again.
Maho was still there, smiling sadly.
"Look, Erika. The holidays are coming up soon, would it be possible for you to come visit me here in Germany? It's lovely here, and I think you'd appreciate the change of scenery."
Erika nodded her head for a moment as words slowly returned to her. "I'd… Yeah, I think that'd be good." She smiled as best she could. "I'll have to brush up on my German though, I don't think the phrases we used for aesthetic will cut it out there."
"It'll be nice to talk to you in person again." Maho replied, returning the smile. "I'd love to show you the panzerfahren team we have here, too - you wouldn't believe the step up in performance we get from the tanks in the uni leagues."
Erika smiled a little more easily now, rubbing her puffy eyes. Maho always brightened up when she talked about tanks - a true Nishizumi.
"Don't you miss the Tiger?"
"I don't miss how slow it was," Maho replied. "But I hope you are all looking after it properly."
"Actually, we still haven't selected a new crew for her." Erika admitted. Lots of people grew attached to their designated tanks after drilling and fighting in them for so long, but Maho had always kept her affection private. As a result, Erika had found it hard to find a crew she felt were worthy of the old commander's tank.
It was the same for Miho's old tank, though the reasoning was a little different. The exiled Nishizumi's tank wasn't in high demand after she'd left, and even the girls of Kuromorimine weren't immune to superstition. It felt like a bit of an insult to end up with the tank that had lost the 62nd grand finals. And now Erika had taken Maho's place, well… Her own reasons for letting the tank gather dust in a forgotten corner of their hangars were abundantly clear.
"I trust you to find the right crew, Erika." She said kindly. "But you need to trust in your own authority more."
Erika sighed, nodding. "Thank you, Co- Thanks, Maho."
"I mean it, you know. I chose you as my replacement for good reason."
"I won't let you down." Erika reassured her.
Maho smiled as enthusiastically as she ever did, but as she opened her mouth to speak there was a knocking sound from behind her. She paused, turning her head towards a figure off-screen who said something in German with a hushed voice.
Maho nodded once, before turning back to her screen.
"Listen, I have to go. But please, think about what I said to you earlier, alright?"
"I will, thank you." Erika replied with a smile.
"Goodnight, Erika."
Before Erika could reply, the call cut out and Maho was gone.
Erika sighed, rubbing her eyes again and getting to her feet. The school felt so empty without the Nishizumi sisters, and she had such a huge pair of shoes to fill.
Tomorrow she'd be running drills with the girls, and even though Maho kept telling her to find her own tankery she just kept running the same ones she'd been taught as a first year.
But tomorrow would have to wait. She crossed her room to her schoolbag, and pulled out her treasure.
It was one of those "boko" teddy bears that Miho loved so much, gifted to her as a little keepsake that she'd found herself loving far more than she'd expected to. Of course, she'd never shown it to anyone. It never even left her bag, when she wasn't at home. It wasn't that she was embarrassed to appreciate Miho's hobbies, but… it would have hurt her image.
Miho didn't show off her bears to anyone else either, of course. At the time, Erika had felt like that justified her behaviour, but looking back, she realised that Miho had probably wanted her support and validation.
Frowning, she picked up her phone and opened her address book.
Right at the top of her favourites sat "Miho~3", with all the flair she'd ever allow herself.
Squashing her fear, she hit "call" and held the phone to her ear.
"E-Erika?" Miho's tiny voice enquired through the phone.
"M-Miho!" She blurted back. "I-I… I need to talk to you."