Mikey's surprised at how smoothly things had been going for the past three days. Really, he'd assumed more shit would hit the fan, but it doesn't. He trains in the morning, has tea with Leo in the afternoon, and has tons of sex with Raph at night. On top of that, he's still got plenty of powder and E to keep him satisfied.

So when Donnie drags him into his lab again, Mikey expects the worst. Something like; 'You tested positive for every drug known to mankind! I'm telling Leo!'. Or maybe he'd make him piss in a cup. He'd seen that in a cop show, once. He bets he could convince Raph to piss in it for him instead.

But that's all swept under the rug when Donnie gives him the biggest smile he's ever seen. "You tested negative, on everything!"

And then he has an armful of turtle for what seems to be the millionth time this week. Even Leonardo is handing them out like candy. Not that he's complaining. The hugs are a nice change, and Mikey is by nature a really physical person. It's why he loves fucking so much, aside from getting to cum.

"Dude, from the way you're acting I'm assuming that's a good thing?"

Unless Donnie is going through one of those weird episodes Muffin goes through sometimes. Where he pretends that everything is happy and fine, even though he's two steps away from a mental breakdown. It was kind of scary when he got like that, but Ronny would always assure him that everything was going to be okay.

And sure enough, Ronny was right.

Ronny always is. His heart squeezes, and with a sudden burst of clarity he realizes just how much he misses his friends.

"It's a magnificent thing!" Donnie says. He nuzzles into him more and Mikey awkwardly pats his back. Boner be gone, he thinks to himself. "You're clean, Mikey. No diseases, no infections!"

Ah, the sexually transmitted disease stuff again. He'd forgotten all about it. Mainly because he didn't care.

Donnie pulls away and urges Mikey to sit on the medical cot. He internally groans, prepared for another test or lecture. Or, if he's particularly unlucky, both. He loves Donatello with all his heart, in every way imaginable, but he has to admit. The dude can be intense, borderline obsessive some times.

He sits next to Mikey, a notebook in his lap.

Oh God, Mikey thinks. It's going to be a lecture.

"I've put off giving you this talk for long enough. Now that I know for sure you're clean, we can take proper measures to ensure you stay that way. Like how you should start using condoms-"

"Condoms?" Mikey interrupts with a scrunched up nose.

"Yes, Condoms. Is there a problem?"

"Uh, yeah. Condoms suck."

Donnie gives him that look. He likes to call it the mom glare, even though they don't have mothers. Or, well. They probably do, but they're definitely some poor turtle trapped in a pet shop. Mikey almost feels bad for her, whoever his mom is. Maybe she got adopted and has a nice owner. He can only hope.

"Then you're obviously using cheap ones, or you're not wearing it right."

"I'm hardly ever the one wearing it." He whines. "I like getting fucked! And when someone wears a condom while dicking me down it doesn't feel the same. And it's not as fun, because getting creamed is absolutely the best feeling in the entire world, Donnie."

Donnie sighs deeply.

"It doesn't matter if it feels better or not. All I care about is your safety. You can't just have unprotected sex with strangers."

"Okay, but what if they're not strangers?"

"Then you should still use condoms. Better safe than sorry, Michelangelo."

Mikey crosses his arms and pouts. "Okay, how about this. I use condoms, but only with strangers."

Donnie tsks his tongue and shakes his head. "I'd prefer, if anything, you only have unprotected sex with people you deeply trust. Just because you're clean now doesn't mean you'll stay like that forever. There are measures you have to take to stay safe."

"So...me and Raph don't have to use them?"

Donnie blinks. "I suppose not. But if you have sex with other people, you should let him know. It's common decency."

Mikey contemplates it for a moment before nodding. "Hmm..okay, I can deal with that. Sounds fair to me."

Afterall, they weren't in the community. Everybody has sex with each other there, so they don't need to worry about telling partners if they've fucked or not. But here, at home, it would be different. He can see where not saying anything would cause trouble.

Donnie smiles at him, and Mikey returns it. "Thank you, Mikey. I'll work on getting you condoms, top quality ones."

Mikey's smile drops. "...Right. I appreciate that, dude."

Yeah, he definitely won't be using them. But he'll pretend, like he does with Leo and his drug use. Anything to make them feel better. However, he will make an effort to inform Raph when he goes off to have sex with other people. Because eventually, fucking just Raph isn't going to be enough. And his drug stash won't last him forever.

"Oh, and another thing, I thought I should inform you on the different kinds of STDs, so you'll know what to look for and what to avoid." Donnie opens up his notebook and when Mikey looks down to see what's in it he gags.

"Ew! Donnie! Is that-"

"Warts? On his penis? Yes. And this one-" He flips the page and Mikey stands up, his hands over his eyes.

"I do not want to see that! Donnie!"

Donnie rolls his eyes. "But it's important, sit back down."

"No, no I think I got the point. STDs are very bad. No good at all. Gross and should be looked out for, dude. Just spare me the details!"

"Mikey-"

He's out of there before Donnie can force him through more lessons on STDs. He doesn't think he'll ever have one, but now the thought of ugly ass genitals will forever be engraved in his mind.

Mikey is in the middle of another painting when someone knocks on his door. This time, it's nothing explicit, just a portrait of Harrison Ford. He'd made the mistake of watching Indiana Jones with Raph last night and the desire to paint that beautiful cowboy man had been glued in his head all day. And after that conversation he had with Donnie a few hours ago he's desperate to distract himself.

"Come in." He says in a sing-song voice. Raph had given him an awesome blowjob earlier, and because of that he's in an amazing mood that not even drugs could replicate. The power of orgasm is a strong one, and an addicting one at that.

Leo walks in and closes the door behind him. He gives his painting a wary glance before sighing in relief. Mikey giggles at this.

"It's not porn this time, bro."

"I see that. Anyways, I'd like to ask you about your progress."

Mikey stops coloring in Harrison Ford's skin. "Progress? Well, I just finished sketching his ace and I-"

"Mikey."

His tone is serious, so Mikey knows that teasing probably isn't the best choice of action. He sighs, and then sets his paintbrush on the eisel. He then struts over to his bed before patting a spot next to him. Leo accepts his request and puts his hands in his lap.

"I'm doing real good, Leo. Promise."

His brother doesn't look so sure. "Are you sure? I've been doing a bit of research, and I wanted to make sure you weren't going through...withdrawals?"

He cringes, and flashes of memories from when he'd weaned himself off of drugs the first time wormed themselves into his head. The vomiting, the crying, the headaches. Muffin holding his hand as he convulsed, it was horrible. A terrible experience. He never wants to go through it again. In fact he'd rather die than do so.

"Nah, can't say i've experienced anything like that. Just a couple of headaches, that's all."

Leo nods like he understands, even though Mikey knows he doesn't. Leo's too good for things like addiction. He'd bet anything that if Leo ever did get addicted to something he'd be able to cut it off cold turkey with no problem. But Mikey squashes down the unnecessary bitterness because Leo doesn't deserve that.

"And you haven't gone topside again, have you? You can be honest with me, Mike. I won't be mad at you."

He's relieved for the chance to actually be truthful with Leo, for once. He grins. "Nope. There's nothing for me up there right now."

And there really, truly isn't. If it weren't for Raph he would've made countless trips by now.

He can see the tension slowly leave Leo. The blue banded turtle settles an arm around Mikey and bumps their foreheads together.

"I'm incredibly happy to hear that, Mikey. And I know I've already said it before, but I am so proud of you for doing this. Making these changes to your life, I know it isn't easy. And the fact that you're doing it despite that is...I don't know, inspiring? You're a very strong person."

Mikey shudders and swallows down the waves of guilt. God, Leo's being so...earnest. And supportive. And he'd actually done research so he could help Mikey if he needed it without having to resort to getting their other brothers involved. It's so sweet of him, and here Mikey is, using up his good faith and spitting out lies.

"I'm sorry, dude." He whispers.

Leo's eyes, which are seemingly made of molten gold, bore into his own. But it's not intense, or nerve wracking. Instead, it's comforting. This makes him feel even worse. He doesn't deserve this kindness. He just doesn't.

"Why are you apologizing?"

"Bro, because I'm putting you through all of this bullshit."

"Anything is worth seeing you safe and happy, Mike. This will all be over soon."

He feels so loved. And it makes him feel dirty, at the same time. "But I'm hurting you."

Leo smiles so softly that it melts Mikey's insides. "Every one of us will make decisions that hurt ourselves and other people. It's inevitable. What matters is that we help each other through these bad decisions so that we don't get hurt anymore. Seeing you make an effort to be better makes up for all of it."

Mikey closes his eyes and leans into Leo's side. "I love you so much Leo. I don't deserve you, I really don't."

Leo rubs his shell soothingly. The pressure is nice, and Mikey wants so desperately to enjoy it without the weight of his lies bearing down on him.

"I love you too. You shouldn't be so hard on yourself. You're just in a bad situation right now and made a couple of poor choices. I'll never hold that against you."

"You say that," Mikey mumbles. "But you're so perfect, dude. I don't think you've ever made a bad decision in your life. How could you not hold it against me? Shouldn't you be suspicious? I've broken your trust dude. If I were you I'd definitely be more harsh."

Mikey really thought Leo was going to stay angry, especially after what happened back at the community. But he didn't. And now he's acting like an all forgiving saint, and Mikey both hates and loves him for it.

Leo pulls away from the hug and Mikey's heart sinks. But all he does is put a hand under his chin and lift his head up so they're making eye contact again. Leo doesn't look mad, just put off.

"First, nobody's perfect Mikey. I've made hundreds, thousands of mistakes before. You can't place me on some kind of pedestal like that. It isn't healthy. Secondly, you did break my trust. There's no doubt about that. But the way I reacted when I caught you...it was terrible, Mikey. I'm terribly ashamed. And since you were willing to forgive me, I'm willing to trust you again."

This doesn't make Mikey feel better. But he gives Leo a thankful look because he has nothing more to offer. "Thanks, dude. That means the world to me."

Leo nods, and pats his shoulder before standing up. "I'll let you get back to your painting, I appreciate you taking the time to talk to me."

Mikey waves goodbye, and promptly slumps down when the door clicks shut behind Leo.

He's a horrible brother.

He tried so hard to ignore it. But it burned, the urges. It burned so bad he was scared that he might be burned alive. But Leo's words made him feel so many things he didn't want to feel, and he had to make it stop. He wouldn't survive both the guilt and the fire, so he caves in like the coward he is.

Only a little bit of powder, he tells himself.

That was his intention, at least. But the high from before was gone and he needed something with a kick.

So he made one line. And then added a little bit more. And even then, that wasn't enough. Four rows later and he still feels horrible, like the scum of the earth, like he wasn't even fucking worthy enough to be alive. Leo would hate him if he ever found out. If he knew how easily lies slipped from Mikey's mouth, and how selfish he is.

He shudders and dips down to snort more powder.

But it's still not enough.

What is wrong with him? Why can't he be normal, why can't he stop doing things that are slowly killing him? If he could stop doing this whenever he wanted, why doesn't he? There was no point in lying to Leo like that. The easier, most sane thing to do would be giving up the drugs completely. So why doesn't he?

And then another thought springs on him.

Is it possible that maybe he is addicted?

He's choosing this shit over his own family, and Mikey knows without a doubt that it'll tear them apart if everything comes out. But he hadn't cared because all that mattered to him was his next fix. It never used to be like that, the drugs were something fun to do before engaging in tons of sex.

But now? It's like it's essential. Like he'll die without it.

Maybe...maybe he should come clean to Leo. Maybe he needs the help. But the last thing he wants is to disappoint and betray him even more than he already had. Going to him is absolutely out of the question.

And then there's Raph. What if he's disgusted by Mikey? What if he never wants to touch him or be with him again? Mikey simply can't handle that level of rejection, especially not when he's already so attached to him.

Donnie would want to help, without a doubt. There's really not a reason for Mikey to be scared to go to him, but there's the matter of him being ashamed and embarrassed about being addicted to drugs. Plus, there's a good chance it'll affect his opinion on Mikey. He'll be nothing more than a junkie in Donnie's eyes.

Muffin and Ronny would be his best bet, then. They helped him the last few times, didn't they? And they obviously cared about him to an extent. The two had become an indispensable part of his life, and he used to see them daily before all of this happened. And Mikey missed them dearly.

Something wet drops down onto his pallet and mixes into the powder. Mikey blinks, and even more wetness makes it way into his drugs. He watches it, suddenly interested in how it makes the powder dissolve. Where is it coming from, he asks himself. Why is it raining in his room, which is 30 feet deep underground?

His hand comes up to touch his face, and he realises that he's the one making it rain. A choked sob comes from his lips.

Is he crying? When did he start doing that?

He sucks in a shaky breath, and then stands up on wobbly legs. The world is starting to twist and move in funky ways, but it doesn't stop him from stumbling out of his room. He had intended to go to Raph's room, because lately the other has been his main source of comfort, but instead he winds up knocking into someone.

"Mikey?" Donnie asks in a concerned voice. It sounds...funny though. Distorted. Like he's hearing it through water.

"I'm drowning." Mikey cries. He doesn't know why he says it, but he does, and the narrative takes ahold of him. "Oh God, dude I'm fucking drowning. Oh my God. I don't want to drown, but I am, and I can't stop, and-"

Something grasps his hand.

He looks down to see what it was and finds a hand. A vision of something big and scary pulling him even deeper in this imaginary pool of water makes him cry out, and then he's actually being pulled somewhere and Mikey thinks to himself; this is it. I'm going to die. I'm going to drown in this hell I've created for myself.

And then there's softness beneath his bum and Donnie is Donnie instead of some crazy sea monster looking to drown him. A takes a few shuddering, deep breaths and looks around to find himself in his brother's bedroom. He takes a wary sort of comfort in the plainness of Donnie's room, the lack of personality evident on his bare walls and empty shelves. His brother's true living space has always been his lab.

A boring room is way better than the bottom of the ocean.

"What's the matter, Mikey?" Donnie's voice is gentle. Like he's coaxing Klunk from under his desk. "Why are you drowning?"

More tears slip down his face and Mikey sobs again. "I don't know." He pulls his knees up to his chest and buries his face in the crease of his legs. "Donnie I'm bad."

"What makes you bad?"

"Everything."

He looks up when Donnie drapes a warm blanket over his shoulders.

"I don't think you're bad."

"But I am. I'm sorry, Donnie. I'm so sorry. I'm fucking evil. You should let me drown, bro. I deserve it."

Mikey doesn't notice the other's eyes widen because he's too focused on staring at the water that's slowly filling the room. It's up to Donnie's calves. Why doesn't his brother see this? Isn't he scared of the water, too?

"You're not going to drown, Mikey."

"Yes I am." He whispers. The tears have stopped, but now it's replaced by raw fear. Is he going to make Donnie drown too? He's already failed one brother, and now he's going to get another killed.

Donnie swallows and sits next to Mikey. "Okay...where's the water at, Mikey?"

"Don't you see it?" He gestures at the ground, which is now flooded. Donnie follows his line of sight, his forehead creased.

"There's no water in here."

"Are you blind?!" Mikey snaps at him. "It's rising up bro. How can you not see it?"

Donnie stares at him. "I see. And where's all this water coming from?"

Suddenly, out of seemingly nowhere, he's tired. Crippingly so. "Dunno." Mikey mumbles, groggy due to the onslaught of exhaustion. "But you need to leave."

"Why do I need to leave?"

The water is up to the bed now. And it's dark, so dark that it almost looks like oil. Mikey can't see anything that's below it's depths. He curls into himself even tighter, afraid of what's going to happen if he touches even the tiniest amounts.

"I thought you said you saw? But you can't now. Look at how much there is. You're gunna drown with me now bro." His words are slurred and barely comprehensible. From the way Donnie frowns, it's obvious that what he's saying isn't getting through to him.

But it's too late.

The water touches him, and now it's rising at a much faster rate than before. "Donnie-!" He calls out in a panic, but water pours into his mouth and chokes him. He makes a distressed noise and thrashes on the bed.

The edges of his vision are slowly turning black. But he needs to stay awake, because what if Donnie needs his help? What if he can save him? He'd do it in a heartbeat, even if it cost him his life.

"Michelangelo?"

But the water is too high. Mikey can't hear him or see him anymore. Everything turns dark and the frantic yells that come from his brother fall on deaf ears.

Just like that, Mikey drowns.

When he wakes up, he feels like he just got done eating sand. His mouth is dry, and his nose burns. But he doesn't remember anything past snorting powder after Leo left his room. Everything is really hazy, which means he overdid it. Usually when he does that, someone is there to keep an eye on him.

This time he was all by himself. Mikey groans at the implications of that. What kind of shit did he manage to get into?

"What do ya mean he was seeing water?"

Raph's voice makes him open his eyes. He's in Donnie's room, he notes, and Raph is outside in the hallway talking with somebody. He can just barely hear him through the wood.

"I'm not sure either, but he was convinced he was going to drown. Do you know anything about this, Raph?"

So it's Donnie he's having a conversation with. A conversation about someone drowning...oh fuck. That's about him, isn't it? Mikey turns and groans into Donatello's pillow. Yeah, he definitely wants to die right now. He doesn't want to know what high-Mikey did, but at the same time, what if he said something that exposed everything?

So he listens harder with a bated breath.

"No, I don't know a damned thing."

"This is most certainly concerning. This behaviour...I'm worried about what it might mean."

"Yeah, same here. Ever since Leo caught him in that whorehouse, he's been actin' real weird. I hate to say it, but...I'm getting scared."

"Me too. For now, we can only wait and see what else happens. Let's keep a closer eye on him, okay?"

"What about Splinter and Leo?"

"What about them?"

"Don't ya think they should know too, Don?"

His pulse begins to race. Mikey is seriously considering pulling the coward card and dipping out. Leo was one thing but Master Splinter was a different beast all together. If they told him there was no way Mikey was sticking around to see the aftermath of it.

"Not for now. Maybe in the case where whatever is happening escalates, but at the moment I think telling on him will only decrease his trust in us. In you, specifically."

"What do ya mean by that?"

Yeah, Don, Mikey thinks. What do you mean?

"I mean that he trusts you above all else right now. Don't you see it, Raph? He's absolutely smitten with you."

Mikey blushes cherry red. He feels the need to defend himself, even though he knows Donnie isn't wrong. He hasn't paid much thought to it, really, but Mikey does love Raph like he would a romantic partner. The thing is, and what Donnie hopefully hasn't seen, was that he felt this way about all of his brothers. Not just Raph.

There's something about all of them that's simply irresistible. Traits that Mikey is naturally drawn too, that he adores.

With Donnie, it's his mind. He loves how he seemingly knows everything, how he always has answers up his sleeves. And on top of that, he loves how he's always there. Donnie gets so fixated on his projects that nothing seems to get him away. But then all one of him has to do is say something's wrong and instantly they have Don's full attention.

And with Leo, it's his dedication. He knows without a doubt that Leonardo loves every single one of them and would do anything to keep them safe and happy. He's just naturally good like that. And yes, maybe Mikey does put him on some unfair pedestal that's bound to come crumbling down, but Leo is perfect. And skilled. And fucking amazing. He could watch him run through katas all day.

He wishes that he could have them all. And he wishes that they could have each other, too. But that's a fantasy world, and he knows for a fact it will never happen. There's too many problems, too many obligations to their father. He can't have all of them.

But he has Raph, was the first to throw him a bone. And for now, that's all he needs, so of course he's going to act like a lovesick puppy! What he wants to know is how, in these past four or so days, his infatuation was so apparent? Maybe Donnie is seeing things that isn't there, since he knows that the two of them have been fucking like rabbits this entire week.

Mikey can't help the frustrated groan that slips past his lips. He freezes at his mistake, and the voices behind the door go dead silent. After a few moments the door opens and light floods into the room. Mikey blinks against it and pretends that he's just now waking up.

"Hello?" He asks in his best fake-groggy voice.

"Hey, Mike." It's Raph who walks into the room. Where did Donnie go?

Mikey sits up and rubs at his eyes before he stretches and yawns. "Raphie?

"No, it's Leo. Who else would I be, dumbass?"

Mikey pouts at Raph, who's now standing directly in front of him with crossed arms. "Ha. Ha. Ha. Very funny. Why am I in Donnie's room?"

Raph shrugs. "I dunno. How are ya feeling?"

"Like I was dragged through sand."

This draws an amused snort out of his brother. "That so? Well, I know what'll make ya feel better." And then he gives Mikey a sort of predatory look that can only mean one thing.

It brings out a grin, and all thoughts of today are swept away as he throws back the blankets and gets out of bed.

"What did you have in mind, dearest brother?"

Raph doesn't say anything but he gestures for Mikey to follow him out of Donnie's room. They make a beeline for Raph's bedroom and Mikey notes that his other brother is nowhere to be seen. He doesn't get much time to dwell on it before the door closes and he's slammed against it.

A euphoric sensation washes through him at being handled so roughly.

"Been wantin' to try something." Raph says in a husky voice. Their plastrons are pressed tightly together.

"Oh yeah? I'm up for anything." Seriously, there's nothing Mikey hasn't tried, and if Raph wanted to do something with him he's definitely down for it.

"I was reading one of those filthy ass books Leo thinks he's good at hiding," Mikey giggles at this. It was probably Leonardo's worst kept secret, but honestly he should've known better than to hide his material underneath his mattress for Christ's sake.

Raph grins at Mikey's amusement. "And it started talkin' about something called erogenous zones. Wanna help me find yours?"

The orange banded turtle churrs softly, arousal and excitement pooling in his belly.

"God, yes, anything for you Raphie."

That's all it takes for lips to connect to his, and Mikey is promptly swept away from his worldly worries.