In the First Degree

Arraignment Part 1

A/N: Thank you so much for your comments and follows! I really appreciate all of you! Please feel free to drop a comment and let me know what you like about this story or any other thoughts you may have. If you would like to connect via social media, my Instagram/twitter is faceinbud.

I think this chapter provides important information for you all, about the context of this story and educational information as a whole, so let me know if you have any questions! Also, there is a detailed depiction of sexual assault evidence collection as well as Amanda's statement in this chapter, so if you are sensitive to these topics and you would rather just get a summary of this chapter, let me know. Thanks again!

I need to add both a disclaimer that I do not own SVU or its characters and a TRIGGER WARNING to anyone who is especially sensitive to the subject of sexual assault. ANGST TO COME!

A little over an hour later, Amanda was talking with near complete normalcy. As both the pancuronium and its reversal left her system, her head was becoming clearer, and though she was still weak, all of her vitals had completely stabilized, including her kidney function. Medically, she seemed to be out of the woods, but Dr. Wilde still wanted to keep her hospitalized overnight for observation. They had decided to transfer her up to the trauma recovery unit after everything that needed to be done in the Emergency Room had been completed.

At some point, Dr. Wilde entered the area Amanda was in to check on her. "Hi, Amanda. Hi, Olivia. How are things in here?"

Liv brought their intertwined hands to her lips, kissing the still cool skin of Amanda's knuckles, as she waited for her girlfriend to reply. "I'm okay," the younger woman answered her doctor. "Still pretty uncomfortable, but I know that's to be expected. I'm definitely tired, and I think the lidocaine from my stiches is wearing off."

Olivia's hand went to gingerly brush some hair away from the bandaged wound as Dr. Wilde approached the women. "Are you okay with me checking to make sure you're experiencing post-surgical discomfort and not anything more serious?"

Amanda nodded. "Yeah, that's fine. Like I said, I'm pretty sure it's just not numb anymore."

Dr. Wilde quickly pulled a glove onto her right hand. "You'll feel some pressure around the cut, but this shouldn't be too uncomfortable." Amanda sat up some to meet her physician's hand, grimacing slightly when it made contact with her sensitive skin, gently pulling away the gauze. "So, do you feel me pressing here?"

Amanda nodded once again before Dr. Wilde pulled off her glove. "It's still sutured well, so nothing's been pulled out, and it still looks really clean. You're probably right about the lidocaine. I can get you some numbing ointment if you'd like." The doctor knew Amanda wasn't keen on taking pain medication, but she was hoping something like this wouldn't be a problem, and she nodded with a small smile when her patient accepted the ointment.

"Great," she said, throwing her glove in the trash. "I heard you're going forward with evidence collection."

Amanda's head bobbed up and down slowly, not knowing what to say. Clearly, Dr. Wilde had to be impartial about this, but she wondered what she was really thinking. "Do you think it's a good idea?" was what eventually escaped her. It was a weird question, and she saw Olivia frown softly out of the corner of her eye. Of course the detective knew it was a good idea, and she had advised vics to get the kit done hundreds of times, so why was she hesitating when it came to herself?

Dr. Wilde pulled up a stool, sitting down and leaning forward. "I want to remind you that if you're having doubts, you absolutely don't have to do it."

Amanda felt Olivia's hand come to rest at the top of her head, and the blonde turned towards her girlfriend. "Yeah, sweetheart, I don't want you to feel pressured to do the kit, and even if you just need a little more time, we all understand. No one is going to make you do this."

"It's not that I don't want to…." Amanda trailed off as both of the women in the room with her waited expectantly. There was so much compassion on Dr. Wilde's face that she didn't even know how to process it. And Olivia….The expression in the brunette's eyes was just beyond description. As cloudy blue pools met Olivia's feeling chocolate orbs, Amanda was overcome with emotion by the love she saw on her girlfriend's face. She had gone from being absolutely sure that today was the day she was going to die to being safe in the hands of a caring doctor and nurses, as well as in the warm embrace of Olivia's gentleness. She had lost so much, and she wasn't ready to lose the chance at a life with Olivia.

"I just…" How to word it? "Is it even safe to put a speculum inside me right now? Will I bleed out? That stretching…I mean—God, I have no idea how bad my injuries are, and I've always had difficulty with pap smears. I just have a hard time relaxin'."

Dr. Wilde hummed, thinking for a moment. "If you want a GYN consult, I can page Dr. Jones. She's your doctor, yes?"

Amanda shook her head, not wanting to cause a fuss. "I'm probably makin' it into a bigger deal than it is, right? I mean, I only bled as much as I did because of the pancuronium. It doesn't mean that there are holes in me."

"You're right that it doesn't necessarily mean that you have severe injuries at this point, but your concerns are valid, Amanda."

Olivia nodded in agreement, letting her hand come down from Amanda's head to rest on her shoulder. "Baby, what I'm hearing is that this hesitation has mostly to do with fear for your physical safety. Is that right?"

Amanda nodded. "I'm sorry, Olivia. I'm just worried about bleeding. I don't mean to be difficult."

The long-time detective, practically forgetting that the doctor was also in the room, intended to immediately assuage Amanda's fear of being a burden. "You're not being difficult, Amanda," she assured her. "It's your body, my love, and it's been through a lot today. None of us take that lightly. You have the right to be your own advocate." She tucked a still damp strand of hair behind Amanda's ear, and the blonde nodded, still feeling weird about this.

Dr. Wilde chose this moment to interject into the exchange. "It sounds like you want to go forward with the exam, but you're worried about the fragility of any injuries you may have. Does that sound right, Amanda?"

"Yes. I'm not worried about pain. I'm not worried about anxiety. Clearly, I can survive both those things. I may just be paranoid, but…."

"So, Amanda," the doctor began, leaning forward as Olivia once again claimed the blonde's hand in hers, "we all want you to feel safe, whether or not we do the rape kit. So, what I need to ask you is—how can I best help you feel safe?"

"Can you assure me that this not a dangerous thing to do—medically?"

The physician hummed, scooting the stool closer to the foot of Amanda's bed. "Do you mind if I take a look?"

Did she mind? Mind?! Of course she did! In fact, Amanda wanted no one to look at her ever again. She didn't want to know what the damage was, and she certainly didn't want Olivia to see. Her immediate response was to move to insist that the doctor get the hell away from her and her wounded form, but she stopped herself in the nick of time, remembering to breathe slowly in order to trick her vitals monitor—and by extension, Dr. Wilde and Olivia—into believing that she was cool as a cucumber.

Dr. Wilde was giving her a choice here.

Choice, a word that Amanda was becoming less familiar with by the second.

Amanda chose to respond to Patton's text messages and then delete them.

Amanda chose Olivia's safety over her own.

She chose to meet her former superior officer—who Amanda knew to be violent—in an abandoned building by herself.

She chose to count the seconds and to focus on the cold.

Amanda chose survival.

She chose to do the rape kit.

And Amanda chose what had happened in Atlanta.

Didn't she?

Didn't she?

The only difference between having no choice at all and having the illusion of choice is that you are expected to be grateful for the latter.

"Yeah, okay," Amanda eventually squeaked. She could barely hear her own words as her ears rang and her head spun. Once again disoriented and unsure of her choice, she struggled to sit up and move to where Dr. Wilde would have access to her body.

Olivia, realizing what her girlfriend was trying to accomplish, immediately placed a hand on her back for support, cautioning her. "Easy, sweetheart. There's no rush here. Take your time."

Amanda huffed, laying her head back against the pillow. "I'm too weak," she gave up, breathless and frustrated.

"Hey, you have people here to help you," Olivia reminded her, reaching for the remote that would control the incline of the bed. "Just breathe. Take a minute, and we'll make a plan, sweetheart." After the blonde had calmed some, the older woman handed her the remote. "When you're ready, let's see how far we can get you to sit up, and then I can help you scoot towards the edge of the bed."

Dr. Wilde nodded in agreement. "I'm not going to have you put your feet in stirrups for this, Amanda. I want to keep you as comfortable as possible. I'm just going to look."

The blonde's head bobbed against the rising bed as she pressed the button on the remote Olivia had gingerly handed her. "The sitting up part is the hardest. I might be able to scoot a little on my own."

One second at a time.

Amanda needed to take it one second at a time.

It was the anticipation of minutes, hours, days, and years that made anything worth doing seem impossible. When being stared in the face by a mountain as seemingly insurmountable as this, the only way forward is second by second. Don't think about the rape kit. Don't think about returning to your lonely apartment. Don't think about the possibility of your struggle being too much for even Olivia Benson to take. Don't think about testifying. Don't think about the fact that ninety-nine point five percent of rapists walk free. Don't think about the verdict. Don't think about the next fifty to sixty years. Don't think about surviving. Just think about scooting forward, one inch, one second at a time.

"Amanda, you can stop there," she heard Dr. Wilde gently tell her, rescuing her from her thoughts. "I'm going to grab a drape really quickly," the doctor said mostly to herself, rummaging through a cabinet to her right for some supplies.

"Um," Amanda began to confess in a barely-there whisper, "I'm really havin' a hard time holdin' myself up right now." The labored statement was accompanied by the younger detective's frantic hands feebly trying to find purchase in the fitted sheet on top of the cot she was half sitting/half lying on.

"I'm here," Olivia quickly soothed, placing a steadying hand once more on her girlfriend's back, before deciding to sit on the edge of the bed in order to offer more stability for Amanda to lean against. "Baby, lean your back against me. There you go," she cooed softly as she felt the blonde begin to relax.

Feeling the strain in her core begin to abate some, Amanda turned her attention back to the doctor. "Do you want my feet up on the bed?" she asked meekly, remembering every movie and TV show she had ever seen where someone had delivered a baby. This was a new beginning as well, she told herself, just not a happy one.

The physician nodded, passing the drape off to Olivia who was in a better position to hand it to Amanda, before putting on gloves. "If you can manage that position without being terribly uncomfortable, it would help a lot. And," she added, "the farther apart you can get your feet and the more relaxed your legs are, the easier this will be."

Amanda nodded dutifully, leaning her head all the way back into Olivia's chest. "Liv, is this okay?" she asked quietly.

The brunette let her hands move softly up and down her girlfriend's arms. "Absolutely," she promised.

"I'm going to pull off this dressing first," Dr. Wilde explained. "I'm going to be gentle, but let me know if you need me to slow down."

Amanda gave her doctor a quick nod before turning her attention to Olivia, trying to distract herself from the unwanted sensation. "Will you hold me?" she asked sheepishly.

Liv felt as if her heart was about to break into a million pieces. Her girlfriend must have been feeling so painfully vulnerable, and yet she trusted her enough to ask for comfort. "Are you sure, love? I don't want you to feel like you're being restrained."

Amanda nodded with a small wince. "Please."

"You still doing okay, Amanda?" the doctor checked, scooting her stool all the way forward, waiting for a nod before continuing. "So, I'm going to have my hands on your inner thighs. You may feel some gentle pulling, but I'm just trying to examine you with my eyes, alright? If you feel intense pain, let me know."

Amanda focused on the feeling of Olivia's delicate hands rubbing her arms, coaxing away the goose bumps and holding her close, and her soft voice reminding her that she was safe. "How bad is it, Doc?"

"I see some small lacerations. It's possible you could bleed some, and it would probably be pretty uncomfortable." Dr. Wilde looked up at Amanda. "What I'm able to tell you is that based on what I can see with the naked eye, I doubt it would be dangerous. I'm sure the SANE could get some swabs without the speculum, but I imagine you may want pictures with a colposcope. Ultimately, Amanda, it's up to you."

Amanda looked up at Olivia, who she discovered was waiting for the blonde to answer. Liv scooted out from behind her girlfriend slowly, helping her recline against the bed in as comfortable of a position as possible "What do you think, love?"

The blonde detective could count on a single hand the things she would want to do less than this exam. Letting Patton go free was one of them. "Can we just get as many samples as we can and see how it goes?"

"Yes, of course," Dr. Wilde assured, pulling off her gloves. "And we can stop at any point. You have the control here. Our nurse, Vanessa, is amazing. Have you met her before?"

Olivia nodded. Her and the SANE went back a few years. "Yeah, last week actually," Amanda added.

It felt like only seconds later when Dr. Wilde left and Vanessa entered the room, rolling in two white boxes on a tray of swabs and other equipment.

Vanessa was a young woman, perhaps only in her mid-twenties, but her glasses and tired features aged her. She reached out a hand to shake Amanda's, her freckles illuminated by the harsh lighting of the hospital. "Amanda, it's good to see you again, though I wish it were under more fortunate circumstances." She turned to shake Olivia's hand. "And Olivia, always a pleasure to see you." The brunette nodded, offering a small smile.

"Ladies, I'm going to try to make this process as quick and as painless as possible. Before we start, Amanda, I do want to ask—have you decided to go forward with criminal charges? The kit can be helpful even if not, but I like to know where people are in that process before we begin."

"Yes, an arrest has been made, and as far as I know, arraignment is on"—she turned to Olivia—"Monday, you said?"

"Mhm. Yes, love."

"Yeah, Monday."

"Alright, great." Vanessa pulled a handful of papers out of the boxes she carried, shuffling them a little as she sat down on the stool by Amanda's bed. "So, usually, the first thing I do with my patients is go through the boxes and explain what goes in each envelope, as part of the informed consent process, but I'm going to go ahead and assume you both know what is generally collected during this exam. Would I be correct in assuming that?"

"Yes, we do," Amanda confirmed, trying her hardest to be friendly, "so you don't have to do that. I appreciate you being thorough though."

"Of course." Vanessa nodded with a kind smile, scooting herself and the stool she was sitting on to be opposite Liv, on the other side of Amanda's bed. "I'm sure you've heard this before, but I do want to reiterate that this process is completely voluntary, and you can choose to stop or take a break at any point. If there's any evidence you don't want collected, you can tell me now or at any time during the exam, and we'll just skip over that envelope. What questions or concerns do you have so far?"

Amanda shook her head. She wanted to get this over with. "I'm good."

The nurse turned to Olivia. "What about you, Olivia? Anything so far?"

"My biggest worry," she began slowly, helping Amanda access her cup of water, "has to do with my girlfriend's comfort. I'm well aware that this isn't a pleasant process, and trust me, I know how important it is to do anyway, but—I'm sure you've read her chart?" Vanessa nodded, keeping her eyes locked with the older detective as she spoke. "Because her attacker drugged her, she—understandably—is wanting to stay as sober and as lucid as possible. That is her right, and I will honor it in any way I can, but she's already in a considerable amount of pain." Olivia brought the hand that wasn't wrapped around one of Amanda's to rest on her upper back, and the tightness of the muscles below her fingers was evident.

As their eyes met, Olivia interrupted her own train of thought, furrowing her brow. "Are you okay with me asking about this, 'Manda?"

The younger woman nodded. "Yeah, baby. This affects you too." She shifted her attention to Vanessa. "I think what Liv—and I—are trying to ask is…well, is there anythin' we can do so we're not severely irritating my already sore body? I was also talkin' to Dr. Wilde about this because I'm worried about bleedin'."

Vanessa nodded. "She was telling me about your concerns, and I appreciate you both bringing them up again. This is not something to gloss over, so I'm glad we have the opportunity to discuss this. So, a few things we can do—I can get most of my samples without a speculum, and if you want to stop there, again, it's totally your choice. Another thing is, if you choose to do the colposcopy and the cervical swab, I have a really small speculum, probably smaller than your gynecologist has used for a pap. We can employ breathing exercises, and we can go as fast or as slow as makes you most comfortable. And the last thing—I know you are not a fan of the idea of being given medication, but I'll still offer—with Dr. Wilde's blessing, we can administer a low dose of something to help you relax. Again, all of this is completely up to you, and I know I gave you a lot of information just now, so I want to invite you to take a few minutes to think about it all and maybe discuss it a little, and I'm going to step out and make sure I have everything I need, okay?"

"Okay, thank you, Vanessa."

"Yes," Olivia nodded. "Thank you."

After Vanessa left the area, Olivia scooted her chair even closer to the side of Amanda's bed, wrapping both hands around her girlfriend's shaky right hand. "That's a lot to think about," the brunette calmly acknowledged. "What can I do to help?"

Amanda reached up to rub at her tired eyes with her left hand, feeling the light pull of her IV catheter as she moved it. The blonde squeezed one of the hands that was holding onto hers. "I can't even imagine how hard watching me go through this is," she lamented. "I'm so sorry, Olivia."

"Don't—don't apologize to me, 'Manda. Please don't be sorry. I know how much you hate being coddled, but I need you to let me take care of you. If you won't do it for you, then do it for me. I want to be here for you, okay? So, please—what can I do?"

Amanda murmured something that Olivia couldn't make out. "What was that, sweetheart?"

She spoke up. "Take me back to yesterday?"

Olivia nodded in understanding, her lower lip quivering as she reached out to delicately brush a thumb over Amanda's cheek. "I wish I could."

"Everything was okay yesterday. Yesterday, we were talking about moving in together and watchin' stupid cop shows in your living room." Amanda sniffed. "Yesterday, it didn't hurt to move and I didn't have to decide between getting drugged again and getting raped again with no pain relief." There was no tact to the phrasing, and Amanda regretted it instantly when she saw the look on Olivia's face.

"You don't have to do either," Olivia reminded her, reaching up to wipe a tear of her own. "We have plenty of evidence."

"I know," Amanda replied, "but so do I. Which is why I really don't have a choice. And that's okay. I know how important the kit is, but I can't do it under the influence of anything. I won't take a muscle relaxant. I hope you can respect that, but if you can't watch me go through this, I don't want you to feel like you have to stay."

"Of course I can, baby. Of course I can respect that—I'm not going to try to coerce you into doing something you don't want to do. And I'm not going anywhere. I'll be right here, holding your hand, for however long it takes. I promise."

Amanda nodded. "Liv, are you guys gonna get my statement?"

It was a quick change of subject, but Olivia understood why it weighed heavily on Amanda's mind. "We were going to do the kit first."

The younger woman shook her head. "No, let's do both at the same time. I'm gonna need a distraction."

Olivia was skeptical. This probably wasn't the kind of distraction that would help. "Are you sure?" she checked. Amanda nodded. "Okay, since you and I are together, we'll need someone else here to witness the statement. Do you have a preference for Fin, Munch, or Amaro?"

"Isn't Fin already here?"

Olivia's head bobbed up and down. "I'll call him."

When Vanessa came back into the room, she handed Amanda an informed consent form and a pen. "Do you have any questions about what you see on the consent form?" she asked after a minute or so.

Amanda shook her head, "Nope."

"Okay, Amanda, after you sign that form, I'm going to pass you another piece of paper. This will have a diagram of the front and back of the human body. I want you to indicate with either circles or Xs anywhere on your body that you were touched without your consent. We just want to have a record of it. Does that make sense?"

The blonde nodded, trading out the informed consent form for the diagram Vanessa handed her. Amanda quickly scribbled a few Xs on the paper in front of her before handing it back to the nurse and quickly explaining to her that she planned to go through the entire exam and didn't want painkillers or any other drugs. Once she had packed up the paperwork, Vanessa reached to grab the first envelope out of the kit. "You ready to start?"

Amanda nodded, jumping slightly when she heard a knock on the wall by the curtain separating the rest of the world from her. It was Fin, who came to stand next to Olivia. "You ready to do this?" the man asked.

One second at a time.

"So," Fin began, "you said Patton was your old Chief?"

Amanda nodded, opening her mouth for Vanessa to swab. "It's...a long story. Let's just say that we didn't have a great working relationship."

"One more swab to collect your DNA," Vanessa indicated, waiting for her patient to open her mouth once more.

"Amanda, I know this is hard," Olivia said softly, "but we need all this information. Can we start with what happened in Atlanta?"

After the buccal swab, Amanda asked for a sip of water, handing the cup off to Olivia when she was done. "So, he was your stereotypical sexist boss. He would call us 'sweetheart' condescendingly and he would wolf whistle at all the women on the squad, and it was sex crimes, so there were a lot of us. To make a long story short, a few months before I left, my sister was in deep shit—legal shit. He offered to get the charges dropped if I made it worth his while. I obviously didn't want to do it, but I was terrified—Kim was gonna be doin' some serious time, and I was her big sister."

"Nobody is blaming you for that, love," Liv soothed, running her fingers lightly through Amanda's hair, gently trying to untangle the mess. Where was this going? Did Patton rape Amanda in Georgia too? How did Olivia not know about this?

"You're doin' great, Rollins," Fin said. "What happened next?"

"He told me to meet him at a hotel, and I did. He started kissin' me and I just remember being so nauseous. I couldn't go through with it. I knew Kim was gonna go to jail, but I just couldn't let him touch me. Once he had me on the bed, I began to fight him off, and I was sure—I was sure—that he was going to rape me. But he didn't. Eventually, he got off of me and just angrily stormed off. I put in my notice the next day."

Vanessa appeared again in the blonde's field of vision. "I'm sorry to interrupt, Detectives, but Amanda, do you know what happened to your clothes?"

Amanda shook her head. "He must have thrown them out. There was definitely DNA on them."

The nurse turned to Olivia. "Do you think it may be possible to recover them, especially her underwear?"

Olivia pulled out her phone. "I'm texting Detective Amaro to notify CSU and search for them."

Vanessa nodded. "And as far as trace evidence and debris, can I ask how you got the laceration on your forehead?"

"It was a rock."

Olivia's eyes snapped away from her cell phone and her head turned to Amanda. A rock.

The nurse, wanting to move things along, stopped Olivia from asking about the injury. "Can you ask the detective to search for the rock as well?" After waiting for Olivia to finish her text, she turned to Amanda. "Dr. Wilde preserved some of the dirt from your wound before she cleaned it, and I just need your consent to include it in the kit."

Olivia heard the words as she typed, registering that even though the doctor had said the criminal case wasn't her priority, she clearly wanted to help after Amanda had been stabilized.

"Alright, next is fingernail scrapings. You all can keep talking now. I'll just need your hand, Amanda. I'm going to use this tool to collect anything that's under your fingernails. It shouldn't hurt, but let me know if it does."

Amanda surrendered her right hand to Vanessa first, turning back to Fin and Olivia, who had put her phone back in her pocket. "Where was I? Oh yeah." She inwardly cringed at the casual tone of her voice, knowing she was putting on a show at this point. She knew she could be honest with Olivia and her partner, and she was being truthful, but she wasn't feeling as calm, cool, and collected as she was pretending to be. The last thing she wanted to do, though, was make this experience even more unbearable for Olivia. "So, I moved to New York, and I hadn't heard from Patton since. I thought it was over, that my nightmare with him was over. I thought this was my fresh start, you know. Away from my toxic family, my abusive boss. I had an amazing new squad, an angel of a girlfriend. Things were gonna be okay." Her voice broke as she lifted her left hand for Vanessa to examine.

Olivia wrapped an arm around the younger woman's shoulders, gently guiding her to rest her head against her chest. "Just breathe, baby. Just breathe." The fingers of Liv's right hand gingerly massaged the skin of Amanda's scalp tenderly. The brunette wanted to ground her to the present moment, and though it wasn't an amazing place to be for the young detective, she was at the very least safe in the here and now. "When you can, Amanda, try to tell us what happened today."

The blonde nodded, sitting up and pulling slightly away from Olivia, before wiping at her eyes with tender fingertips that were recently freed from Vanessa's grasp. "Um…" She took a deep breath. "After you dropped me off, I was walking up the courthouse steps, and my phone vibrated. I saw that it was Patton and my heart sank into my stomach. He said that he was in New York, he was watching me, and he wasn't gonna leave until he had either me or you, Liv. He threatened you, Olivia, and I just couldn't let him touch you. He said it was my decision." The survivor laughed bitterly. "You or me. Like that was any choice at all. He sent me the address and told me that if I told anyone, he would…he said he would rape you, Liv, and that maybe—just maybe—if he was feelin' merciful, he'd kill you after."

Olivia's fingers delicately caressed the blonde's cheeks, not being able to wipe away tears more quickly than they fell from her eyes. "We would have figured it out, baby," she insisted.

Amanda shook her head. "I couldn't take that risk."

Olivia understood. She would have done the same thing. "So, what happened with the rock?"

"I quickly put the address in my drafts, hoping you would find it, and then I threw out my phone. I wasn't sure where Patton was, but if he was watching me, I wanted him to know that I was cooperating with him. When I got to the building, he blitzed me. I think he wanted me disoriented while he injected the paralytic because it had a delayed effect."

Vanessa opened the next envelope, nodding. "Pancuronium bromide does take two to four minutes for onset of muscle weakness." She stepped up to Amanda. "I need a sample of hair from your head, okay?" Amanda's head bobbed. Was time speeding up or were they racing through this kit? It seemed like it had been barely any time at all since they had started, and the blonde knew they were well into the pile of envelopes. "Slight pinch," the nurse warned, tugging at the root of a blonde hair.

"Did he say anything?" Fin asked, wanting to get them back on topic.

Amanda nodded, rubbing at the now sore spot on her head. "So much. He didn't stop talking, and I'm sure I don't even remember everything he said. But I just keep hearing 'you don't get to decide this time.' He must have been so mad in Atlanta when I refused him. Today, he took away my ability to fight him off, to say no." She looked up at Olivia, needing an anchor to reality. "I just lied there," she wailed. "There won't be any DNA under my fingernails or any defensive wounds. I couldn't protect myself. He raped me. He raped me and I just had to take it. When he was done, he closed my eyes and left. I don't know where he went, or how long I was alone. It hurt so bad and I was so cold, I knew I was dyin'."

Fin was taking notes, so Olivia decided to focus on her girlfriend for a moment. "You're safe now, my love. You're going to be okay, and you'll never have to go through that again. You'll never be touched against your will again. Never."

Amanda nodded at the sentiment, knowing it wasn't quite true as Vanessa rolled up the tray carrying what she would need to gather the rest of the evidence she planned on collecting.

"Are you okay with me getting a medical assistant in here to help with collecting the rest of the samples? It's just so we can move through this part faster," she justified, walking towards the phone and placing a quick call after receiving a nod from Amanda.

A minute later, a young woman entered the room with them. "This is Heidi," Vanessa introduced, "and she's just going to assist me with putting everything in the envelopes, okay?"

The young woman waved at the crowd of people she was being introduced to before moving to stand next to Vanessa.

"Okay, we're going to take a break from talking during this," Olivia announced, ushering Fin out of the room before once again sitting at the edge of the bed as Vanessa helped the blonde scoot once again to the end of the bed and guided Amanda's feet to rest in the pair of stirrups she had erected at the foot of the ER cot. "Is it okay if I let her rest her head in my lap? It seemed to help her relax earlier," she explained to the nurse.

Vanessa nodded enthusiastically. "Of course. That's a great idea. Okay, Amanda, I'm going to start with combing and pulling your pubic hair, and then we'll do the peri-anal and anal swabs. Are you okay with those things?"

"Yes," she confirmed, feeling Olivia place a pillow in between her own lap and her hair.

"Go ahead and lie back," the brunette gently coaxed, letting her fingers glide gently through semi-matted blonde locks.

"I'm going to comb your pubic hair first," Vanessa explained, holding up the comb. "This is just to collect any of your attacker's hair that's mixed in with yours. Is it okay if I do that now?"

Amanda nodded, noting the odd juxtaposition of feeling Olivia's fingers lovingly combing through the hair on her head and the pubic hair comb working harshly between her legs.

"I'm going to pull one of your pubic hairs, the same way I did on your head," Vanessa clarified, "that way we have your DNA to compare the comb sample to."

Amanda winced at the yanking, looking up at Olivia. "When they discharge me, can we go back to your apartment? I really don't want to be alone."

"My love, you don't ever have to be alone again. You can stay at my place. I don't want to be alone either." Olivia had been scared, like really scared. More empty than she'd felt when her mother told her for the first time who her real father was, more helpless than she'd felt in Sealview prison when she'd accepted that she was going to be raped, more terrified than when she'd heard that Elliot had put in his papers and wouldn't be returning to SVU. All those things had made her feel isolated, but until that morning, she had never felt so completely alone. She had never in her entire life been as afraid as she had been at the exact moment she realized that Amanda was missing.

"I guess this is a good excuse to move in together," Amanda acknowledged, feeling Olivia's pointer finger draw lines up and down the bridge of her nose.

Vanessa held up a swab. "Going to collect the anal samples now. I need you to relax your legs all the way to the side for me. Great. Thank you, Amanda. This shouldn't be painful at all." The blonde felt some light pressure, but so far, this wasn't as bad as she had expected it to be, and she gave Olivia a reassuring smile, hoping to calm her own nerves in the process.

Amanda watched as the swabs were handed off to Heidi, who diligently placed them in the envelopes they belonged in. "How are you doing, Amanda?" the nurse asked, pausing for a moment to check in. After the detective indicated she was okay, Vanessa took another swab from the medical assistant. "Okay. I'm going to get two more samples without the speculum. The first one is a vulvar swab, so that's just going to be the area outside your vagina. You're going to feel the swab on your thigh and I'm going to slowly move it up, so you know what to expect. Okay, here we go. Really quick swab."

One second at a time.

The brunette watched as her girlfriend's brow furrowed momentarily, unsure if it was in response to pain or to general discomfort and anxiety, but she whispered words of comfort anyway, seeing that the swab being pulled away from Amanda had some dried blood on it.

"You're doing great, Amanda. I'm going to get a sample from just inside your vaginal canal now. Same thing as before, moving the swab down your leg. This time take a deep breath for me, and now breathe out. Great. Try to relax your legs again. I'm going to give you a break. Keep breathing."

Amanda wondered how long Vanessa had been a Sexual Assault Nurse Examiner because it seemed ingrained in her, almost as if her body just knew what to do. Was this a coping mechanism, a way for the nurse to allow herself to never be completely vulnerable to vicarious trauma, or was she simply that efficient and that compassionate naturally? The blonde knew one thing—she would never volunteer to do this job.

"Okay, Amanda, I want you to be honest with me here," Vanessa said gently. "Do you want to go forward with the speculum exam?"

The blonde didn't want to be given an out. The idea of being done was so very tempting, but she knew what she felt in her body, and she could tell she had injuries worth documenting. "I do," she eventually answered, breathing out forcefully.

"Do you want to take a break first?" the nurse gave as an option, but her patient shook her head. Amanda wanted to do this, but she also wanted to be done, so she hoped all of that got through to Vanessa in the simple shake of her head.

She chose not to watch as Heidi placed some lube on the side of the plastic instrument and handed it off to Vanessa. "Okay, Amanda, the speculum is going in. Take a deep breath for me, and now exhale slowly."

Olivia wanted to tear her eyes away from the look on the love of her life's face, but that was a selfish urge. The blonde needed her to be fully present and capable of providing comfort. "Keep your eyes on me," the older woman advised, grasping tightly to both of Amanda's hands. "Slow breaths," she reminded gently, "and squeeze my hands as hard as you can."

"I don't want to hurt you," Amanda sniffled, letting her toes wrap around the tops of the stirrups as they curled.

She felt the movement inside of her still, and Vanessa spoke before Liv could. "You're doing great, Amanda, but I need you to try and relax your toes before I continue."

Olivia nodded at her girlfriend, giving her permission once more to squeeze her hands, before the blonde tried to shift the tension in her body from her legs to her hands. The nurse indicated she was going to complete the insertion of the speculum, waiting for a quick nod before opening it up.

"Am I bleeding?" Amanda gasped, bearing down on Olivia's hands.

"Most of the blood I'm seeing is old," Vanessa softly explained, "but we're keeping tabs on your vitals, and I'm ready to stop at the point at which this becomes dangerous. What I want you to focus on right now, Amanda, is breathing and keeping your body as relaxed as possible."

Once Amanda had regained her composure, holding tightly to Olivia's hands still, she nodded her permission for Vanessa to continue. "I'm going to do the cervical swab first. You'll feel some pressure and possibly some cramping, but nothing worse than what you experience during your period."

Olivia, seeing Amanda slam her eyes shut and bury her face into the brunette's lap as Vanessa inserted the swab, was becoming frustrated and more than a little nauseous. "Can you be a little more gentle?"

Amanda rushed to Vanessa's defense. "She is being gentle, Liv. It's the speculum."

Handing the swab off to Heidi, Vanessa grabbed hold of the specialty microscope. "The only thing left to do is the colposcopy imaging. I can probably do it pretty quickly. I know you're in pain, but your vitals are relatively normal, considering the stress you're under, so if you can hold on for a few more minutes—"

"Just do it," Amanda interrupted. "I'm okay."

For that moment, Olivia was glad Amanda's eyes were closed. She didn't want her to see her cry. She had originally tried to stop herself, but eventually she figured it was no use. Still, Amanda had enough hurt to bear without worrying about the brunette too. Olivia piped up, "Can I ask—what kind of injuries are we looking at? Are they severe?"

As the pain she was feeling leveled out, Amanda was able to catch her breath enough to fully focus on the nurse's answer. "I hesitate to use the word 'severe' in this situation, but I also hesitate to use the word 'average'." She spoke to both women softly, after a moment handing the colposcope off to Heidi. "There's no question in my mind that this was a violent assault, not that my opinion should be needed for anyone to come to that conclusion. But, Olivia, if you're needing reassurance about recovery, I will tell you that in my experience, these injuries heal remarkably fast. And nothing I see is causing me any concern."

Vanessa shifted her attention to Amanda. "I'm going to pull the speculum out now. Again, try to relax and take deep breaths." After she'd discarded the tool, she assisted Amanda in sitting at the edge of the bed with her legs hanging off, giving her a sympathetic smile in response to the grimace she saw as she shifted positions. "You did great, Amanda," the nurse praised, placing a hand on her shoulder.

"I'm leaving you a cooling maxi-pad and some soft cotton underwear. I'll be back in a little while for a blood and urine sample, and I'll also bring emergency contraception, HIV post-exposure prophylaxis, and antibiotics. Would you like some Tylenol as well?"

Amanda decided to gift herself the small mercy of acetaminophen. "Yes."

"Is there anything else I can get for you?"

At the shake of her patient's head, the nurse excused herself politely, and Amanda and Olivia were left alone to process the contents of the last few hours.

Early the next morning, before Dr. Wilde had even made her rounds, there was a knock at Amanda's new hospital room door. A worse for wear Alex Cabot entered after being given permission, slowly approaching her injured friend, feeling for the first time self-conscious about her relationship with Amanda. Did she know that the ADA had simply assumed the detective had abandoned their victim in court? Would she be angry at her? After a lingering silence, she decided to chance a "Hey, how are you feeling?"

Amanda chuckled lightly with a small wince, not really knowing what to make of an insecure Alex. "Definitely feel like I've been hit by a truck. I'm so sorry about your case. Does Mallory know what happened?"

Alex held up her hand to stop the apology. "Don't worry about it, Amanda. And of course Mallory is understanding. The judge gave me a recess so we can regroup."

"Oh, okay," Amanda replied, "just tell me when you need me. I can testify—"

"Amanda, you don't need to do that." Alex demurred. "God knows we've done more with less. I can figure out a way around your testimony. Just focus on getting better, okay?"

Was Alex telling Amanda not to worry about a trial? "Okay," she hesitantly accepted. "And any updates on...my case?" It felt weird to refer to it that way, although Amanda had officially been a survivor for almost twenty-four hours. Did she deserve a chip like the ones she got in Gamblers' Anonymous? Should someone bake her a cake?

Alex nodded, happy to be helpful. "Right now, the plan is to arraign Monday. I'm working on expediting the process of getting the rape kit down to forensics for testing ASAP."

Amanda was a survivor now, sure, but what she wasn't was special. "Um, no. Guys, you know as well as I do that if I weren't a cop, those boxes would be sittin' in storage for at least a few days, and that's bein' generous. My kit waits in line to get tested behind everyone else's. If I get justice and a pro walkin' the streets doesn't, what are we sayin'? That's not really justice. Treat me like any other survivor because if you don't, I'll decline to press charges and the only way you'll get me in court is with a subpoena. And trust me, I'll be a hostile witness. We go through proper channels, or I'm out."

Alex eyed the older detective, knowing she was the one who had originally made the call to rush the collected evidence to ME Warner. "Liv, you okay with this?"

Liv was not okay with this. Amanda was not just any other survivor. She was Amanda, but the last thing the experienced SVU detective wanted to do was take the right to self-determination away from her girlfriend. "It's not my choice to make."

Alex nodded, knowing she had to respect Amanda's wishes. "Okay, but we're going to need all the evidence we can get. Patton invoked."

One second at a time.

A/N: Thanks for reading! Please let me know what you think!