In the First Degree

Arraignment Part 2

A/N: Thank you so much for your comments and follows! I really appreciate all of you! Please feel free to drop a comment and let me know what you like about this story or any other thoughts you may have. If you would like to connect via social media, my Instagram/twitter is faceinbud.

Please be safe everyone! Stay at home if you can, and wash your hands!

I need to add both a disclaimer that I do not own SVU or its characters and a TRIGGER WARNING to anyone who is especially sensitive to the subject of sexual assault. ANGST TO COME!

The shower was quickly becoming the blonde's favorite place to be. On Friday night, almost immediately after photos had been taken and every inch of her body had been examined with a black light, she begged the next nurse she saw to allow her to take a shower. Of course, Amanda's care team had worried about the risks of getting her still freshly stitched head wound wet, among other things, but soon a shower cap was found, and a compromise was made. The detective could have sixty seconds under a stream of hot water, and Amanda could have sworn that they were the most relieving sixty seconds of her entire life. And she milked those sixty seconds, proving beyond any reasonable doubt that she was capable of holding herself up and walking on her own, using that as leverage to earn just a little more time.

Saturday had gone by in a flash, and after Alex left that morning, Amanda negotiated her way into taking another shower. By the time she was discharged that night, she could—at least on the surface—convince herself that she was clean. There was a small amount of talk that day that Patton's attorney was working on getting an arraignment hearing earlier than Monday, but by the time Sunday night came around, it was clear that wasn't going to happen.

At this point, Amanda was a pro at applying waterproof bandages, and she was also becoming extraordinarily good at scrubbing herself down with soap and scalding water to the point of being satisfied that she was no longer dirty, while also avoiding rubbing her skin raw so that it wouldn't garner Olivia's attention or worry.

The detective reached to wipe away some of the condensation that had obscured her view of herself through the mirror in front of her in Olivia's bathroom, wincing quietly at the strain it put on her still incredibly sore body. How long was this supposed to last and when should she be concerned? She sighed as she stared at her reflection, pruny fingers traveling to meet some bruising along her right cheekbone. A knock at the door startled her.

"'Manda?"

The blonde quickly pulled on a bath robe. "You can come in," she invited softly, reaching for a brush to detangle the mess that her hair had become.

"Hey," the older woman gently greeted, entering the bathroom and sliding the door shut behind her. "I just wanted to check and see if you wanted some dinner."

Amanda's face involuntarily contorted in disgust. "I'm sorry, I just…don't think I'd be able to keep anythin' down."

Olivia nodded. Of course she understood. She, herself, was fighting an unrelenting ball of nausea that caused anything she ate to fight to come back up. And if the brunette could barely stomach food, then she simply couldn't imagine how uncomfortable the mere thought of eating was for Amanda. "I know, baby, I just worry. You haven't eaten anything but a bite of toast since we've been home, and I want your body to have everything it needs in order to heal."

Amanda reached behind her with the brush she held, weakly attempting to move the bristles through the bird's nest attached to her head, wincing and giving up with an eventual grunt. "Well, I never knew rape made your arm hurt, but it does," she observed, letting the hairbrush clang down onto the bathroom vanity.

Olivia, unfazed, gestured to the brush. "May I?"

Amanda shallowly nodded passive assent, turning slightly to face away from her girlfriend after handing her the brush. Olivia hummed, gingerly moving all of Amanda's hair to rest behind her shoulders. "Is it your entire body or your arm specifically?"

The blonde shrugged. "I just kind of ache, and movin' makes it worse."

Olivia nodded, carefully holding a piece of Amanda's hair as she brushed it, wanting to spare her any more pain. "I want you to know that I'm here to help, love, okay?"

Amanda sighed, but didn't respond, allowing herself to focus on the sensation of Liv's fingers running through her hair. This was the most physical contact they'd had with each other since the younger woman was discharged from the hospital. She knew Olivia was just trying to be careful, that she just wanted to keep her comfortable, but Amanda was craving good, safe, healthy touch now more than she ever had. She had no idea how to say this to Olivia, but just like the showers, it was as if the brunette's delicate caress washed away the bad, the dirty, the painful.

In the younger detective's silence, Olivia was also able to think some. She had done her best to make sure Amanda knew that she would be there for her through everything, and if she were making an accurate assessment, Olivia could have sworn that even before this, the relationship the two women had was always one that was conducive to good communication and an open exchange of thoughts. Because of her beliefs about the nature of their relationship, something had been bothering Olivia since Amanda gave her statement on Friday afternoon, and now was as good of a time as ever for her to seek clarification and assurance. "Can I ask you a question about Atlanta?" The inquiry was hesitant, but it blew out of Olivia in a rush, almost as if she were afraid she'd regret the words.

The silence in the room was palpable as Amanda considered her options. The brunette was still tenderly combing through the blonde's damp hair, so she didn't seem angry. After a few moments, she convinced herself replying would probably be safe. "Sure, okay."

"Why didn't you tell me before?" Amanda caught a glimpse of Olivia's face in the mirror with the corner of her right eye. The woman looked hurt. "I would have been able to handle it."

Amanda's breath caught in her throat. This is not what she was trying to accomplish by keeping what happened in Atlanta to herself. "It's not that I didn't think you could handle it, Liv, I didn't want you to have to." The blonde turned to face Olivia when she felt that the older woman was done brushing her hair. "When we first met," she continued, "I wanted you to like me, and after we started dating, I just didn't want it to complicate things. I didn't want your pity, and I didn't want you to think I'm someone who just runs from my problems."

Olivia slowly shook her head. "I wouldn't have thought that," she breathed, reaching out to intertwine her fingers with Amanda's. She had been very careful and discerning when deciding whether or not to touch her girlfriend, but it was important to her that the blonde absorbed her words. If she hadn't felt comfortable sharing her experience in Atlanta with Olivia before, it was important to the long-time SVU detective that she felt safe talking to her going forward. "I would have thought that you weren't safe in Atlanta, and you made the decision to protect yourself. And I would have been proud of you for confiding in me." Amanda nodded wordlessly, and Olivia, knowing she was overwhelmed by the moment, released her hand with one last squeeze. "I'll let you get dressed."

Amanda couldn't bring herself to speak before Olivia left the bathroom. Was she angry? She wasn't acting angry. She was acting disappointed, like a parent who expected better of you.

No.

Olivia was being kind and generous as usual, and she was doing her best to conceal the hurt that Amanda had caused her. God, Amanda felt so stupid. It felt like every decision she'd made in the past few days had just made things worse. She wanted to protect Liv from Patton, and it ended up hurting Liv. She decided to go through the rape kit, and watching the process was painful for Liv. She hadn't eaten to avoid throwing up on the brunette's carpet, and it was worrying Liv. Amanda was genuinely feeling like she couldn't do anything right, and she didn't deserve to be surrounded by Olivia's compassion.

She needed to explain herself.

After she had thrown on a nightgown and cotton underwear, lined with another cooling pad that was generally given to women post-partum, Amanda guiltily padded out of the bathroom and into the bedroom that they had begun to share. Olivia was folding laundry on the bed, and the brunette looked up with a soft smile as the younger woman carefully sat next to her. "Liv, what happened in Atlanta really wasn't a big deal. And I didn't want it to affect our relationship. I didn't want you on edge when we had sex, and I just didn't want to burden you. He didn't even rape me then. He just assaulted me. It didn't get far."

Olivia nodded, but the word choice made her uncomfortable. "I don't think 'just' is appropriate language for what he did."

Amanda shrugged. She knew Liv was just trying to help her acknowledge the seriousness of the crimes committed against her, but it was so much to process. "It's the language I feel comfortable usin' right now. The past few days have been a lot, and I'm just tryin' to get through the next few, okay? I'm sorry I didn't tell you."

The brunette looked down at the way her girlfriend was fingering the fabric of the nightgown she wore, and she couldn't fight the urge to reach out and still the anxious movements. The maneuver was gentle though, and Amanda easily surrendered to the comfort, looking up expectantly for a response. "'Manda, I…" The older woman sighed after a moment, still trying to get her thoughts together. "I'm having a really hard time explaining how I'm feeling about all this. But I want to try because it's going to be important for us to be real with each other, you know?"

Amanda nodded, not used to Olivia expressing such explicit vulnerability. "Okay." She swallowed hard. "Tell me. I…uh, I wanna know."

Olivia gave her a sad smile, squeezing the hand she held delicately. "Watching you go through this is probably the hardest thing I've ever done, but I also want you to know that I am so grateful that you're still here. So, if you can, please talk to me. Please let me in."

Amanda felt a tear threaten to fall from her eye, and she reached to wipe it away, her hand being stopped on its journey by one of Olivia's. As the tear began to fall over a pale cheek, the blonde watched her girlfriend intensely as she—with the most gentle touch she had ever felt—gingerly wiped it away. It was the most intimate touch Amanda had felt in several days. It was certainly more intimate than the first time the two women had slept together, and that was saying something. Amanda gasped softly at the sensation, waiting as Liv kept her hand delicately cupped over the now wet cheek.

The blonde decided that there wouldn't be a better time to talk to Liv about something she'd been putting off. "There is something you need to know, and I want to tell you before it comes out in discovery." Olivia nodded, brushing her thumb over one more tear. Amanda took a deep breath. "In those swabs from the kit, forensics will find saliva."

Olivia's hand stilled on Amanda's cheek. "Saliva. And you're not talking about the oral swabs?"

Amanda placed her own hand over Liv's. "No, I'm not."

The brunette hastily pulled away from her girlfriend and stood up, immediately beginning to pace the small area between the bed and the bathroom. "He put his mouth on you?" The older woman covered her lips with the hand that had previously been resting on Amanda's cheek. "Jesus Christ!"

Amanda had known this would be a mistake, but she wanted to show Olivia that she trusted her. Could she trust her? "Liv, this is why I didn't want to tell you. I didn't want you to be angry."

Olivia gestured wildly, taking up more space than was comfortable for the blonde. "Well, you know what? I am angry. I'm so fucking angry I could hit something!"

Amanda had only seen the brunette act this way with perps. "Olivia, you're scaring me."

Her features instantly softened, and she kneeled down on the carpet below Amanda, placing both hands on each of her girlfriend's knees. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, baby. I didn't mean to scare you. I'm not mad at you, okay? You know that, right?"

The younger woman didn't know that. Liv sure seemed mad. And she had gotten that way after Amanda had spoken. She wasn't sure what kind of reaction she was expecting realistically, but she didn't like the yelling, and the blonde consciously tried to slow her breathing as she whispered, "Are you sure?"

Olivia nodded, wishing desperately that she could take back the last several seconds. She was getting through to Amanda, and she had convinced her to share a painful memory with her, and now she had ruined that progress. She could have scaled down her anger, could have directed her attention towards the love of her life, not the piece of shit that had brought them here. "Of course. I am angry, but you haven't done anything wrong, and I'm going to try to do better. I need to be focusing on you, not him. And now that I'm noticing myself react in this way, I'm understanding why you've hesitated to talk to me. I'm so sorry if it ever felt like it wasn't a good idea. And I'm so sorry that I just exploded like that. That's not…that's not who I am, and I don't want you to see me as an angry person. I want to be a comfort to you, not a threat."

"I don't blame you for being upset." And truly, Amanda didn't blame her for having that reaction. As her heart settled in her chest, she was able to form a coherent thought. They needed to get back to where they were before the blonde had brought up Patton. "If the situation were reversed," Amanda admitted, pulling Olivia up by her hands to sit next to her again, "I don't know what I'd do. But you're right, we need to focus on each other. You know, I left out some of the details with my statement to you and Fin because—well, truthfully, I'm not completely ready to admit it all happened. But when I'm ready, I want to share with you because I know that talking about it helps with healing, but I just don't want to hurt you."

Olivia grimaced in response to the end of her girlfriend's statement. "I can't promise that I won't be upset by the things you tell me. I'm only human," she conceded, "and I can't hold myself to higher than a human standard. But," the brunette emphasized, once more holding tightly to one of Amanda's hands, "what I can promise is that I will never be upset with you. And I do still want you to talk to me. I want your honesty, even if it hurts. And you can tell me if I ever react in a way that makes you feel uncomfortable. Do we have a deal?"

"Deal." Amanda gave a sad smile, leaning in to lie her head on Olivia's shoulder. The blonde sighed softly as she felt her girlfriend's lips against her hair. Maybe Liv was getting the message about physical comfort being soothing to the younger woman. She let a beat go by, savoring the contact, before she asked, "Are you gonna go to arraignment in the morning?"

Olivia pressed one more kiss to Amanda's head, this time right over the bandaging that covered her stitches. "I think I'm needed here more." She brushed some hair back away from the younger woman's face. "Can I help with that vacuum seal?"

A small smirk played on the brunette's lips as she asked the question, and Amanda couldn't resist smiling in return. It felt good to smile, like she was flexing muscles that she hadn't used in a while, and there was a soreness there, but it was also such a relief to give in to a pleasant emotion. She nodded. And what was that weird sensation she felt in her stomach? "Do you think maybe after I could have some plain pasta?"

"Well, you're getting adventurous." Liv began to gently pull Amanda's handiwork away from her healing head wound. "Tell me if I hurt you."

It was still dark, but Amanda remembered that there would be a light at the end of this tunnel. And its name had to be Olivia.

The next morning, Olivia found Amanda sitting on the couch in her living room. The woman had her knees pulled to her chest, and she seemed to be quietly in her own world. "Hey," the brunette greeted softly after the younger detective had looked up. "I got a little nervous when you weren't in bed next to me. You okay?"

Another decision that scared Olivia.

"Yeah, I…uh…." Amanda fought to find words. "I had a nightmare, and I didn't want to wake you up."

As she sat down next to her girlfriend, Liv noticed the red eyes and puffy cheeks, and she wished she were a lighter sleeper. How did Amanda sneak out of the bedroom—crying—without the older woman waking up? "I'm so sorry. Is there anything I can do to help?"

Amanda sniffled, wiping her nose with the worse-for-wear tissue she'd had clasped tightly in her hand for over an hour. "It's okay. It's par for the course." When Olivia just watched her with worried eyes, the blonde decided to confide in her. She realized that the decisions she was making that made things worse for Liv were decisions she was making without consulting her, decisions she was making on her own because she assumed she had to. It was hard for Amanda to remind herself she wasn't alone. "You know, sometimes I can almost take a whole deep breath. And then I remember, and it all comes crashin' down. I've spent years telling survivors that I understood how hard it is." She shook her head, speaking at a snail's pace. "I didn't. I mean, Liv, I could have died. I almost died."

The brunette's head bobbed with a shaky breath. "I know you did. And words cannot even begin to describe how grateful I am that you didn't. But baby, I know that there will be days that you're not so grateful. And I don't want you to feel guilty on those days. This is going to be hard. I know it. You know it. And it's okay to not be okay. I want you to know that I will be right here by your side for all of it. All of it, okay? In the good, the bad, the justice, the unfairness, the setbacks, and the healing. All of it."

Amanda wiped both of her eyes with what remained of the tissue. "You promise?"

"With everything I have to give."

At the courthouse, a judge was reading Patton his rights and explaining what he was being charged with—rape in the first degree. Alex wasn't holding back. This was going to be the most consequential case of her career, and not because she stood to lose or gain much professionally—and she did—but because she had never prosecuted a colleague's, and dare she say friend's, attacker before. This was as high stakes as high stakes come.

The ADA became distracted by her own thoughts momentarily. Luckily her attention was garnered by the judge asking Patton's attorney how they would like to plead.

"Not guilty, your honor." Alex could barely resist the eye roll that tempted her as the man spoke. Of course John Buchanan would represent Patton. The defense attorney wasn't afraid to play dirty, but that was okay, Alex thought, because neither was she. And it's not as if the woman hadn't beaten his arrogant ass in court before, though it had been a few years and it had never been a case like this. "And we'd like to state for the record that my client is extremely offended by this accusation, being he is an esteemed sex crimes deputy chief, and the idea that he would rape a former subordinate is ridiculous."

Alex decided to stop fighting the eye roll. "The mere notion that an experienced sex crimes detective would falsely accuse your client of something as egregious as rape is simply absurd."

The judge, a no-nonsense kind of woman, thrusted her hand out to halt the arguing. "Save it for the jury, counselors. I'll hear from the people on bail?"

Alex cleared her throat. This was a fight she had to win. "Alexandra Cabot for the people, your honor. The defendant is not a resident of the state of New York, and therefore constitutes a flight risk. Due to that and the violent nature of the charge, we request remand."

The judge nodded swiftly, turning to Buchanan, who answered immediately. "We request ROR, obviously, your honor."

"Bail is set at fifty thousand. The defendant will surrender his passport and wear an ankle monitor."

The attorney hadn't yet been able to ascertain information about Patton's financial means, and the last thing she wanted was for the man to make bail and be free to do whatever he wished. Before the judge could move on, Alex spoke once more. "In that case, your honor, the people request an order of protection. The defendant has made threats against Detective Rollins and another member of the Special Victims squad."

"So ordered. Next case."

Later that day, Amanda exited Olivia's bathroom and walked to what had become her side of the bed, turning down the covers. The two women had decided to take a nap after hearing Alex's recount of the arraignment hearing. Neither cop expected much better than what had happened, but the ADA promised to let them know if Patton made bail. The blonde was grateful that Olivia had chosen to stay at home with her instead of camping out in the courthouse bathroom—or whatever she would have decided to do—waiting for Alex's report. This definitely felt safer to the younger woman, and safe was getting hard to come by. "I managed to pee without crying finally," Amanda acknowledged. "Thank God for small victories."

Olivia shut her laptop and placed it on her bedside table, wanting to give her girlfriend her full attention. She hummed softly, thoughtfully. "I've been meaning to ask how you're doing, pain-wise."

Amanda nodded, grimacing as she climbed under the covers. "I've definitely been worse," was what she was willing to share, wanting to keep the statement short in order to conceal the rate of her breathing.

Liv wordlessly reached out for her hand and Amanda assumed she wanted to provide comfort, so she was a little confused when the brunette's pointer and middle fingers landed carefully on her wrist.

Oh.

The cop was looking for evidence.

Of course.

"Sweetheart," Olivia breathed after a moment, not even needing to wait more than a few seconds to get the information she was searching for. "Your heart is racing." How much of that was pain and how much was anxiety? And to what extent was each factor exacerbating the other?

"I told you yesterday that everything hurts. It's gettin' better, just not as fast as I would like." Olivia nodded, using her pointer finger to travel along a clearly visible vein that ran up the blonde's arm. "It's just pain," Amanda shrugged, making a weak argument. "I can live through pain."

Liv watched as Amanda noticeably flinched away from her at the sound of a car horn honking outside the apartment. "I wish it were just pain."

Amanda sighed, agreeing. "Me too."

A/N: I know this chapter is shorter than usual, but I wanted you all to have something to read as we all hunker down and prepare to weather the storm that is this pandemic. I wish you all health and safety, and know that I'm here to talk if anyone needs/wants to. We will get through this together. Would love to know what you all think about this chapter, and I hope to be back with more soon.

Love,

Gabby