In the First Degree
Indictment Part 1
A/N: Thank you so much for your comments and follows! I really appreciate all of you! Please feel free to drop a comment and let me know what you like about this story or any other thoughts you may have. If you would like to connect via social media, my Instagram/twitter is faceinbud.
I hope everyone is still doing okay! Wishing you all wellness and health. Please please please stay home if you can. It's the right thing to do. Writing affords me some normalcy, and as an anxious person, it is much needed. I hope everyone can find a new healthy routine among this madness.
I need to add both a disclaimer that I do not own SVU or its characters and a TRIGGER WARNING to anyone who is especially sensitive to the subject of sexual assault. ANGST TO COME!
As the weeks went by, Amanda was becoming frustrated with her own inability to confide in Olivia. She wanted to. Oh, how she wanted to. But every time she opened her mouth to speak, her throat clamped shut and all she could do was cry. Eventually, she didn't see the point of even trying to open up, especially if her body wasn't going to allow her to do so. Another betrayal. All she could do was lock herself in Olivia's bathroom and let it out, as quietly as possible.
It was supposed to get easier.
It wasn't getting easier.
Olivia, for her part, knew she was being shut out. She hadn't expected anything different, Amanda being Amanda and all, but it still stung. All she wanted was to be a support for her girlfriend, and she wasn't being given as many opportunities as she would have liked to show that she cared. So, she decided to be a source of quiet strength for Amanda, offering soft smiles and gentle hand squeezes when they were natural, but she couldn't shake the instinct that Amanda was needing more. On the off night that the blonde would curl into her to sleep instead of away, the older detective welcomed the contact and enthusiastically provided comfort. Olivia liked to think she knew Amanda extremely well, and she was willing to bet that the younger woman had—what she considered to be—a good reason for not actively going to her for support.
Though Amanda's physical pain had faded away, it had definitely been replaced with a much more formidable anguish, something neither woman really knew how to contend with on a day to day basis.
Amanda felt empty.
When Olivia had first told her that there would be days that she wished she hadn't survived, she had brushed off the comment, figuring the brunette was simply covering her bases in making sure Amanda didn't feel guilty about anything, but Liv had more experience with survivors than the younger woman did, and she knew what she was talking about. Amanda felt a push to return to normalcy, to pretend that it hadn't even happened, but each time she entertained the idea, a nausea permeated her entire body. She hadn't known before that one could feel nausea in their fingertips. She couldn't forget. Regardless of whether or not she could, she knew she shouldn't. What the blonde had been through was significant, and even if she could convince herself that what had happened with Patton in Atlanta was only a minor violation, there was no way to argue that point about the abandoned building several blocks away from the courthouse.
She wanted it to stop.
And she knew that no matter how hard she tried, Olivia couldn't make it go away, and so there was really no point in clueing her in to a further extent than what was probably already self-evident. Doing so would just hurt the woman that clearly loved Amanda to a painful degree.
Amanda was suffering.
Pain was one thing, so was anxiety. But true suffering was something else entirely. And it felt as if it were eating the blonde up alive. She felt guilty. She felt so guilty. Olivia deserved a fully functioning girlfriend, and a month after she was discharged from the hospital, Amanda was the farthest thing from fully functioning.
Whatever that was.
One afternoon, after a day at SVU, Olivia entered their bedroom to find the bathroom door slid shut. She wasn't surprised, as this room was where Amanda spent much of her time, either curled up on the floor or in the shower. The older woman knew the door wouldn't be locked, as they had made a deal that Amanda would leave the door unlocked always as long as Olivia promised to wait for permission to enter. It wasn't a complicated negotiation, and it's not like the brunette would ever have just brazenly entered the bathroom without warning.
Olivia knocked lightly at the door so as not to startle Amanda. "Sweetheart?" She heard a sniff from inside the room and took a moment to calm her voice. "Amanda, you've been in there for a while. Can I come in and see if you're okay?"
Amanda knew she had to answer. She didn't want to speak, so she considered standing up and opening the door for her girlfriend, but she was feeling incredibly fatigued and a little light-headed. She tried to clear her throat. "Ye-yes," she eventually managed to croak. The truth is she didn't want to be alone anymore, and though she knew logically that Liv was just waiting for an opportunity to take care of her, each time she longed to pull the older woman inside her hell, she couldn't bring herself to do it. She wanted so badly to have Olivia by her side, but Amanda feared she'd never forgive herself if she let her see what was really going on inside her mind.
The bathroom door slowly slid open, and Olivia popped her head inside, getting a glimpse at Amanda, who was sitting cross-legged against the bathtub. Liv silently padded into the room and took a seat next to her girlfriend, who was wearing sweats in the scorching heat of a New York July. Crossing her legs next to Amanda, she allowed the silence to linger, pausing for a brief moment to observe the blonde wiping away the last of her tears, a dull ache taking up residence in her chest. A part of Olivia wished she could grow desensitized to Amanda's sadness, she almost expected it would happen, but another part of her knew that the pain of the woman she loved should always be uncomfortable for her to bear witness too.
Amanda eventually broke the silence with a sad smile. "Do you remember when I first admitted that I had feelings for you?"
Olivia nodded, letting her lips rise in a small smile. "Of course. You were practically shaking. I'd never seen you look so scared."
Amanda hummed. "I thought that moment—waiting for you to answer me—was going to be the most terrifyin' moment of my entire life. I wish it still was."
Olivia's voice broke as she tucked a piece of Amanda's hair behind her ear. "Talk to me, love. Please."
The younger woman shook her head, wiping away some new tears. "There's too much to say," she whispered, and it was true. Several weeks of unproductive healing strategies had left her clogged up, in a metaphorical sense. She knew the moment she allowed even a little bit to slip through the cracks, the entire dam would collapse, and she'd inadvertently flood their lives with more misery. She didn't want to do that to Olivia.
"Well, let's start with this," Liv gently proposed, turning slightly to face Amanda more. "Can you tell me what you were crying about just now? Are you thinking about something in particular that I can help you process?"
Olivia was too good. And Amanda knew she was hurting her. But wouldn't it hurt her more if she started talking? And today's problem—well, she knew it would hit too close to home for Olivia. Then again, the blonde thought, everything she knew about her girlfriend told the younger detective that nothing would hurt her more than finding out just how much Amanda had been holding back. Maybe there was a way to let the water flow through the cracks slowly, without entirely destroying the wall Amanda had so painstakingly erected between them. Maybe there was a way to do this in a controlled manner. Olivia had only asked about something in particular, and there definitely was something in particular bothering her.
Amanda sighed. "I was feeling nauseous this morning and then I threw up. I just got this awful feelin' in the pit of my stomach that I'm pregnant."
Olivia felt an uneasy sensation grow within her, but she tried diligently to hide it from Amanda. "Oh?"
"And I know it's irrational, and the mornin' after pill is extremely effective, but if I was pregnant, would you hate me for wanting to get an abortion?" Amanda finally let her eyes meet Olivia's, expecting judgement, but finding a much softer expression playing on the brunette's face.
"So, first of all, I could never hate you, Amanda. Never." Olivia spoke with certainty, but Amanda knew this was a sensitive subject, and she needed to know what her girlfriend thought. She would do anything to get Olivia to stay with her. "I don't think we're at a place where we need to have that conversation yet, love, but what I will say is that I would never presume to be entitled enough to your body that it would give me the right to try and tell you what to do with it. Okay?"
"Okay." Was Olivia being serious? Amanda knew that her girlfriend always wanted to respect her choices, but this would be a different kind of choice. If she had an abortion, she'd be saying that a child that was the product of a rape didn't deserve to live. The detective shook her head at herself. This wasn't Georgia. And she wasn't at church. There was no reason for her to feel guilty about what she chose to do with her own body. But actually, there was. Because besides the ethical considerations and the indoctrination about abortion, Amanda knew that this would be a blow to Olivia. She'd try to hide it, and she would never let it outwardly affect her response, but the blonde was acutely aware of the thoughts that Liv was trying to fight—thoughts about what the result of a sexual assault is really worth. What was she really worth?
The younger woman waited anxiously for Olivia to say something—anything—else.
Olivia saw that Amanda was becoming overwhelmed with her own fears, and she wanted to bring her back to the present moment. Amanda didn't even know if she was pregnant. "Our first step for now is getting you a pregnancy test, if only to make you feel better."
"I took four." Amanda turned to reveal the four tests on the tile next to her. "They were all negative. I'm still not convinced."
"Do you want me to call Dr. Wilde? Alex has been in contact with her. You seemed to have good rapport at the hospital."
"No, what I really need to do is make a gynecologist appointment. Dr. Jones has been trying to get me in her office for follow up since right after I was discharged from the hospital. I also think I'm past due for a pap smear."
Olivia nodded. "Okay, well one thing at a time."
Amanda wiped the remnants of tears and some sweat off of her face. "One second at a time."
"When did you get those tests anyway?" Olivia gently questioned. How much was her girlfriend keeping from her? "We don't exactly keep them in the apartment."
"A few weeks ago while you were at work." Amanda felt icy shame begin to course through her veins, constrict her heart, and freeze her extremities. "I wanted to be prepared. I'm sorry I hid them from you."
"It's," Olivia took a shaky breath, "it's okay, baby. I know you're doing your best." What Liv wanted more than anything was to absolve Amanda of any guilt. It was more than understandable why the blonde hadn't exactly been enthusiastic about sharing the news of this particular purchase with her girlfriend, but she still wished she had known. "Do you want me to call and make you an appointment to get your blood drawn and see Dr. Jones? Would you be more comfortable with that since I've known her longer?"
Amanda nodded, sighing. "You really are too good to me."
Olivia raised an eyebrow. "What do you—what do you mean by that?"
"All you want is to help me," she pointed out, "and I'm actin' like you're not even here. I don't know if it's a copin' mechanism, or what, but it's not okay. It's not fair to you."
"Hey, I know"—Olivia placed her own hand over Amanda's heart lightly, and she watched as the blonde woman's eyes bore into hers—"I know that you are struggling. You don't have to say anything for me to see that." She waited for Amanda to acknowledge her words, and then she dropped her hand onto her girlfriend's lap, allowing the blonde to grasp onto it if she wanted. "I don't feel out of the loop or like you're ignoring the fact that I'm here, love. I see an intentional effort to spare me of pain."
"Am I that obvious?" Amanda's nose wrinkled, and she interlocked her fingers with Olivia's. The brunette was giving her the benefit of the doubt and extending a lifeline. The blonde knew it was time to take it.
Olivia squeezed the hand Amanda had given over to her, offering a small smile and a quick nod. "Ever since the first words you said at the hospital. You were trying to crack jokes, you exhausted yourself trying to speak, kept thanking me for being there. You censored yourself pretty harshly during your statement to me and Fin. You didn't even want to squeeze my hands during the exam. When we got home, you pretended to be in less pain than you were, and even though your ability to talk fully returned only hours after we found you, you've been guilting yourself into silence anyway."
"That's…" Amanda struggled to find words as she pinched the bridge of her nose. "…painfully accurate."
"'Manda." Olivia's eyes watered, and she gently pulled her girlfriend onto her lap, a gesture Amanda hadn't been able to allow herself to ask for, but she desperately craved the closeness. She rested her wet cheek against Liv's forehead and waited for her to speak again. One of the brunette's hands came to rest on Amanda's thigh and the fingers of the other moved through blonde hair. "I've said this before, but I'll say it as many times as you need to hear it. I can't lie and tell you that watching you struggle is easy for me, but I'm well-aware of my limits and my desires. What I want, baby, is to support you. I want you to tell me everything you want to share. I want to hold you every time you want to be held. If I need space, I will ask for space, just like I would want you to do."
"I'm sorry I didn't trust you before. I know you don't need me to protect you." Amanda reluctantly pulled slightly away from her girlfriend's hold, and wide blue eyes looked up at Olivia's tearful expression, and the younger woman felt it in her chest when the dam broke. "I'm really sorry," she sobbed, reburying her face into Liv's shoulder, relishing strong arms squeezing her tightly and savoring soft lips caressing her hair.
"You don't have to be sorry, my love," Olivia cooed softly, gently rocking Amanda back and forth. "Just let it out. Cry as long as you need to."
And that's exactly what Amanda did. She didn't count the seconds or the minutes, and she didn't question the wisdom of her choice. She had all the assurance she needed in Olivia's careful touch and loving words.
A few days later, Amanda found herself in a doctor's office, sitting next to Olivia, who stood next to her and joined their hands together. After Amanda had given her a urine sample, the nurse monotonously rattled off a list of questions, quickly typing on her computer.
"When was your last menstrual period?"
"Seven weeks ago."
"Do you have any abnormal vaginal discharge?"
"No."
"Have you been sexually active since your assault?"
"No."
"Are you in pain today?"
"No."
"Is anyone hurting or threatening you?"
"No."
"Do you have any questions for your provider today?"
"No."
Amanda had learned over the years that it was easier just to say no to that last one.
The nurse finally looked up. "I see an order for some blood work, so I'm going to go ahead and get that now."
The procedure was quick and relatively painless, though the feeling of having to remain still while a total stranger plunged a needle into her arm did cause her heart rate to accelerate. Olivia, always the clever schemer, had clandestinely placed two of her fingers over Amanda's radial pulse, secretly monitoring it since the nurse had walked in. She noted that the thumping sped up at the question "Have you been sexually active since your assault?". She also noticed the quickening of the beat as her blood was drawn, giving the blonde's hand a squeeze when the nurse was finished.
The nurse gave her first smile. "I'll let Dr. Jones know you're ready for her. She'll be right in."
Again, Amanda found herself thinking about time. As the clock above the door ticked, the younger woman wondered if seconds had always lasted that long.
An abrupt knock on the closed door in front of Amanda brought her back to reality with a jolt. The young doctor greeted both cops jovially, shaking both of their hands before pulling a stool to the desk that held the computer. She quickly looked over the information in front of her as the three women exchanged pleasantries.
Dr. Jones reached to squirt some hand sanitizer on her palm, rubbing in the disinfectant before asking her first question. "What are we—a month out now?"
Amanda nodded. "Five weeks tomorrow."
The doctor typed quickly, and then turned back to Amanda before speaking again. "And you told the nurse that you haven't had a cycle since?"
"I did," the blonde confirmed slowly, "but I'm honestly not sure. I bled lightly for about a week after, and I know that emergency contraception sometimes induces a period, so I wasn't sure if it was that, or…." She trailed off.
"Sure, that's understandable." Dr. Jones nodded. "So, that plus the nausea and vomiting concerned you. And you have four negative pregnancy tests, all taken the other day? That's what Olivia said on the phone."
"Yes, Monday." The doctor nodded again, typing on the keyboard of her computer, and Amanda continued to speak her thoughts before the doctor could respond. "I know it's ridiculous for me to come in here and basically demand blood work, but I know it's more accurate that way."
"You're right—it is more accurate. There's nothing wrong with being careful, Amanda. False negatives do happen, and the morning after pill does have a failure rate. I always recommend checking again. Now, I don't want you to translate that as me saying that I think you're pregnant. I just think it wouldn't hurt to be absolutely sure. Okay?"
"Okay."
Dr. Jones turned away from the computer in order to give Amanda her full attention. "I know this is something you're worried about, so I'm happy to rush the blood sample the nurse took so we can get results in a few hours. Amanda, we'll take today at your pace, and we'll only go as far as you're comfortable with. Can I tell you what I'd like to do during our time together-and then you can let me know what you think?" Amanda's head bobbed slightly. "I'd like to maybe talk some; I know you and I have only met once before, but I think it's important going forward that we have a good rapport. So if there's anything you are needing from me that I'm not already providing you with, I'd like to know. The other thing I'd like to do is an exam. It can be quick, and I'd feel okay with putting off the pap for a few more months if you'd be more comfortable with that, especially in light of your concerns today. I think the priorities for today are one, getting those test results so you can have some peace of mind, and two, making sure you're healing at an expected rate. How are you feeling about all of that?"
Amanda glanced up at Olivia, and the brunette gave her a smile that clearly turned the decision back over to the younger woman. She couldn't stop thinking about the rape exam. About how much it hurt and how much she really didn't have a choice. Not if she wanted justice. Amanda knew—in this moment—she deserved her own compassion. "I don't want to do the pap smear today."
"Okay. That's totally fine." The doctor typed a reminder for herself to make another appointment at a later date. "Are you okay with doing a quick exam?"
"Yeah, sure."
"Great." The doctor stood up and searched through a cabinet to her side, producing a drape to hand to Amanda. "I'm going to step out and let you get undressed. We'll just do waist-down. Take all the time you need. I'll knock on the door in a few minutes, but if you're not ready yet, just let me know. Do you want me to take Olivia with me?"
This was a loaded decision. "No, uh, she can stay."
After she'd left, Olivia turned to Amanda. "What do you want me to do? What would make you feel most comfortable?"
"Um."
"I can still step out," Olivia offered, beginning to walk towards the door.
"No, I," Amanda stammered, "I…I need you to stay. I feel like I'm gonna have a panic attack."
The older woman immediately rushed to Amanda's side, providing her with some stability by wrapping an arm around her waist. "Hey. Take some slow breaths. Baby, you don't have to do this."
Amanda nodded. "I haven't looked," she stuttered haltingly. "Someone needs to look, and it's not gonna be me."
"You want to do this?" Olivia checked once more.
"I just need you to stay," Amanda implored desperately. "Maybe just turn around until I'm sittin' on the table."
Olivia's head bobbed, and she moved to the corner of the exam room, facing the wall until Amanda gave her permission to come back. When she did, the brunette returned to the younger detective and grasped one of Amanda's hands in hers. She saw that the blonde was staring at her lap. "Hey, look at me for a second?" Olivia gently prompted, waiting for her girlfriend to do as she asked before delicately caressing her cheek with the fingers of her right hand. "I need you to remember that you're safe. Nothing she is going to do today is going to hurt, and you can ask her to stop at any point. Not that I'll have to, but I'll push her away from you if need be. No one is going to hurt you."
"I know, I just…" Amanda placed her hand over her hammering heart. "My body remembers the last time I was on a table like this."
After a knock at the door and permission from Amanda, Dr. Jones reentered the room, retrieving a pair of gloves. "You doing okay, Amanda?" she asked, noticing her blushed cheeks and sweaty skin.
She nodded quickly, but she knew the lie wouldn't serve her. "I'm actually kinda nervous."
"That is totally normal, Amanda. I don't want you to feel bad about that at all," the woman assured, hitting the switch that released a pair of stirrups from inside the exam table, before looking up at Amanda, who was still sitting on the edge. "I promise you we will take this at your pace. I will not touch you without your permission. Most of what I'm going to do is look. How are you feeling about that?"
"Better," she breathed. There was something about hearing the words from Dr. Jones's mouth that assuaged some of the fear.
"Wonderful. We'll still go slow," she promised, sitting down on the stool in front of Amanda. "I'm going to raise you up so that you're at eye level for me. Olivia, would you grab the pillow that's tucked in back there?" she asked, gesturing to a white pillow that lied underneath the slightly inclined bed. "Amanda, you can lay your head on that. Do you want me to help you put your feet in the stirrups or do you want to do it on your own?"
"I can do it," the blonde indicated, laying her head back on the pillow Liv had retrieved for her.
She felt gentle fingers immediately come to rest in her hair and the hand that was wrapped around hers squeezed rather firmly, but still carefully, in order to ground her. "You're okay," the older detective whispered as they made eye contact. "I'm right here."
"Okay, Amanda, I have two rules," Dr. Jones announced after a moment, pulling the gloves onto her hands. "Number one is breathe. Slow, deep breaths. You might feel the urge to hold your breath, but I need you to fight that. Olivia, I'm going to ask you to help me with that, okay?" Liv gave Amanda a confident smile, lightly scratching at her scalp. "Breathing will help your body stay relaxed. And that's exactly what rule number two is. I need you to get your knees as far apart as you can get them, and keep them there. If you need me to stop touching you, I don't want you to try to clamp your thighs together. I want you to tell me, okay?"
Amanda gave a quick nod, not sure if the doctor could see her, before taking a deep breath and separating her knees, closing her eyes.
That wasn't a good start. "'Manda, I need your eyes to be open for me, okay? Keep your eyes on me," Olivia stressed. "Just look at me, baby."
Amanda took another deep breath. "You're doing great." It was Dr. Jones's voice coming from behind the wall of knees and drape. "The first thing I'll tell you, Amanda, is that you've healed incredibly well externally. What I'd like to do—with your permission—is use my fingers to gently separate your labia, just so I can get a better look inside without using a speculum. It'll be the only time you'll feel me touch."
"Okay," she answered weakly.
Dr. Jones wheeled the stool to the side in order to make eye contact with Amanda. "Did you say okay?" When the blonde nodded, the doctor wheeled herself back to where she was before, scooting a little closer to her patient. "So, I'm wearing gloves, and I'm going to put my hands on your thighs, and I'm going to move slowly down. You're doing great. Just keep breathing."
Amanda had liked Dr. Jones from the moment they'd met several months before, when Olivia was getting her set up with doctors in New York. She clearly cared about her patients, and Amanda especially appreciated that she had gone through a special training in sensitivity towards sexual assault survivors. She hadn't known it would come in handy, but the detective was glad to have this silver lining. She listened as the doctor told her she would feel her hands come to rest on her outer lips, and consciously took a deep breath when she was informed that she would feel gloved fingers manipulating her labia minora. "This shouldn't hurt, but tell me if it does."
The uncomfortable sensation lasted maybe ten seconds, but Amanda couldn't hold back the sigh of relief when it was over, receiving one more hand squeeze and a proud smile from Olivia. "Everything looks great, Amanda. This is exactly what I'd want to be seeing at this point. You can scoot back into a more comfortable position, and I'll drop these stirrups down." She did exactly that after removing and tossing her gloves. Liv helped her girlfriend sit up slowly. "Before I let you get dressed, do you have any other questions for me?"
Amanda shrugged. "I just want to know if I'm pregnant."
"Of course. I'll call as soon as I have those results, okay?"
Amanda nodded, and thanked Dr. Jones for being so kind. "Of course. You deserve to be treated with care."
After some genuine thanks from Olivia (this could have gone so much worse) the women said goodbye to each other.
After she'd redressed, Olivia suggested that they get some lunch in order to keep Amanda's mind off of her anxiety. After all, she hadn't managed to keep breakfast down, and so she was probably hungry.
Once they'd eaten, Amanda nervously picking at a salad, Liv drove them both home, and it was a few minutes later that the younger woman's phone rang. She gave a panicked look in Olivia's direction, and the brunette quickly sat her down, wrapping an arm around her for support. "Whatever she says," Liv softly promised her girlfriend, "I'm not going anywhere."
She nodded, mostly at herself, and picked up the phone, listening silently as the doctor spoke.
"Amanda, hi. It's Dr. Jones. I won't make you wait any longer before I tell you that you're not pregnant. You are also negative for all the infections we tested you for, so all looks good on that front. I also wanted to tell you-and I know this is a lot of information, so stop me if it's too much-that Dr. Wilde and I met each other during medical school, and we do have an arrangement where she will sometimes refer sexual trauma patients to me for follow up if they don't already have a gynecologist. I've, over the years, put together a sort of resource packet for survivors with information about how the vulva heals from trauma, important things to consider when becoming sexually active again, things like that. So if you're interested in any of that, I'm happy to get it to you, or if you would like to meet and talk about it at any point in the future, we can do that too."
Dr. Jones was right. It was a lot. But none of the information was unwelcome. "Yeah, that would be great."
"Awesome. I'll send it to you through the patient portal, and you can just let me know if you have any questions."
"Okay, thank you." Amanda knew her lack of pregnancy wasn't due to the doctor's diligence or her extraordinary bedside manner, but she still felt the need to express gratitude for the news she had just received.
"Of course, Amanda. I hope you and Olivia have a wonderful rest of your afternoon. Don't hesitate to reach out if you ever need anything, okay?"
"Okay. Thank you."
"Alright, bye, Amanda."
"Bye."
Olivia could pretty much assume the nature of the news the gynecologist had given her just by observing Amanda's micro (and not-so-micro) expressions, but she knew it would be a relief for Amanda to say it out loud. "So?"
"I'm not pregnant," she breathed.
Olivia nodded. "Oh, good."
"Is it okay that I'm relieved?" Amanda was still worried that she was hurting Olivia, and the brunette could tell. "Why do I feel bad?"
"Of course it's okay, love. I promise there's no reason for you to feel bad about this. I'm not offended, I'm not hurt. I'm happy for you. Okay?"
"But I don't want you to think—"
Olivia stopped her before she could make herself feel worse. "I don't think. Okay? I don't think. I know that you not wanting to carry your attacker's baby has nothing to do with how you feel about me."
Amanda reached up to delicately place her hand over Olivia's cheek. "I'm so happy you were born. You became so important to me so quickly. I never want you to think any part of me resents any part of you."
Liv smiled, leaning in to rest her forehead against Amanda's. Olivia often worried about what her genetics said about her. But when she was with Amanda, all that seemed to fade away. The blonde made her better, brought out the best in her. The brunette thought for a moment about kissing Amanda. They had done it a few times over the past few weeks, but Olivia was always very careful when deciding whether or not it was a good idea, and Amanda was growing a little frustrated. She could count the number of times her girlfriend had even pecked her lips in the past month on one hand. This was the next thing she'd have to bring herself to be truthful about. Before she could speak, Amanda's phone rang again.
"Rollins."
"Hey. Rollins, it's Cabot," the ADA greeted quickly. "Are you with Liv?"
"Yeah," she replied. "Is everything okay?"
"Yes, of course. Sorry if I scared you. Can you put the phone on speaker?"
"Sure," Amanda answered, pressing the speaker phone button. "It's Alex," she said to Olivia.
Liv leaned in to make sure her voice was heard. "What's goin' on, Alex?"
"So, I'm presenting your case to a grand jury in a little over a week, and I'm just pulling together the evidence I have in order to prepare. Amanda, I wanted to ask—how would you feel about testifying before the grand jury in order to secure the indictment?"
"So, I would have to testify twice?" Amanda didn't know why she said it; she already knew the answer.
She heard Alex take a deep breath on the other end of the call. "Yes. But the trial won't be for another several months. And with the grand jury, there will be no cross-ex, no judge. Patton won't be there. I'll keep my questions brief," was her final offer. "I could probably get them to indict without you, but I know they'll return a true bill if they hear from you directly."
Amanda knew she had to trust Alex. "Okay. When do you want to prep?"
"I'll reach out first of the week. Does that sound alright?"
"Can Olivia come?" She amended her statement. Amanda knew Olivia couldn't be there for her testimony to the grand jury. "When you prep me, I mean?"
"Absolutely. Of course. We can talk more about the logistics after the weekend. Have you ever testified for an indictment before?"
Amanda shook her head, even though Liv already knew the answer. "Not in New York. But I did plenty in Atlanta."
Plenty happened in Atlanta.
Plenty happened in New York.
Amanda knew she'd have to get used to both truths.
A/N: Stay safe everyone, and I hope you enjoyed! Reading your reviews will keep me entertained during this time (and writing them will entertain you!) In all honesty, regardless of whether you decide to review, I appreciate your readership and support. Stay safe everyone!
-Gabby