In the First Degree

Indictment Part 2

A/N: Thank you so much for your comments and follows! I really appreciate all of you! Please feel free to drop a comment and let me know what you like about this story or any other thoughts you may have. If you would like to connect via social media, my Instagram/twitter is faceinbud.

Hope everyone is still safe and healthy! If you were a reader of Something Good, I recently posted a one-shot that exists in that universe. It is called The Rose. Would love to know what you think! I'm always willing to work on one-shots that would be a companion piece to that story, and eventually, maybe even for this story as well. We still have quite a ways to go on this one though!

THIS CHAPTER IS INCREDIBLY ANGSTY AND POSSIBLY TRIGGERING. This chapter includes some of Amanda's testimony at the indictment hearing. It is not nearly as explicit as the trial testimony will be, but I do want to reiterate my usual trigger warning here, especially because earlier in the chapter Amanda also describes a nightmare in detail.

I need to add both a disclaimer that I do not own SVU or its characters and a TRIGGER WARNING to anyone who is especially sensitive to the subject of sexual assault. ANGST TO COME!

A knock on the door signaled Alex's arrival. Amanda hadn't been back to her own apartment since the assault, opting for Amaro to pack her a bag and drop it off at Olivia's place. She'd been wearing the same four outfits, but it's not like she'd gone out much in the past six weeks. With the exceptions of her trip to the pharmacy to get the four pregnancy tests and the appointment with Dr. Jones, the blonde detective had gone outside just once for some sun, but August was not a gentle month, and the heat had felt smothering.

Inside was her safe space. Olivia's apartment had become the closest thing to home she'd ever experienced. It was like a cocoon, a place for Amanda to patch herself up and grow, far away from the harsh elements of the outside world. No one had entered the one-bedroom except for Olivia, and even she had limited herself to trips to and from the precinct and on rare occasion, the grocery store. When Amanda let the ADA in with a reserved smile, it occurred to her that she was allowing Alex to be the first to penetrate her chrysalis of an abode, only moments before the attorney would ask her to reveal her darkest secrets. The vulnerability of it all was petrifying. How often had Amanda done this to other victims? How many times had she invaded homes where women, men, or children had once felt safe, only to pull the rug out from under them and demand they describe in intimate detail the worst moments of their lives? How many times had she claimed she was there to help, only to essentially force trusting victims to take a hasty trip to the hospital and be continuously poked and prodded at for four plus hours? A hundred times? A thousand? And for what? Only one out of two hundred perpetrators ever see a day behind bars. How often was the pain she caused even worth it?

It was unreconcilable for her.

Amanda had described herself in many ways over the years—stubborn, headstrong, low-maintenance, principled, resilient to a fault. But lately she had begun thinking of herself in a new light.

Hypocrite.

She didn't want to testify. Nevertheless, she found herself doing it, regretting her decision to not venture to the courthouse with Alex and Olivia. She'd seen a courtroom before; she didn't need to practice that part. But Amanda had underestimated how uncomfortable she'd be prepping while sitting in her living room. Her cocoon had been burst open by malevolent forces, and she was somehow expected to still feel safe there, unprepared and fully exposed.

But alas, this was another choice that had been made for her. Her only other option was to allow her attacker the freedom he'd never allowed her. Besides, she knew indictment was easy. A former New York judge hadn't claimed that most grand juries would be willing to indict a ham sandwich just for shits and giggles—there was truth to the sentiment. Amanda knew if she couldn't get through answering a few ignorant questions from sixteen or so grand jurors, she definitely couldn't get through testifying at trial. Though officially a grand jury proceeding is a test for the prosecutor to determine if they have probable cause to charge a defendant with a crime, Amanda faced a test of her own—if she couldn't handle a jury of random people, could she handle John Buchanan?

"So, now that we're down to the wire with the grand jury, Patton wants to plead out." Alex had dropped this lovely bomb after a short break from discussing her plans for the hearing.

"What—what did you offer him?" Amanda was confused by this turn of events. She knew grand juries rarely indicted police officers, and her only saving grace could very well be the fact that she was also a cop. Patton, as a superior officer and a man, still had the upper hand here though. He always did.

Alex scoffed, giving a vigorous shake of her head. "Oh, I didn't. I'm not making a deal with that scumbag. Unless he is willing to allocute to rape one, which is what he did, in open court, I'm taking him to trial and pushing for maximum sentencing. I'm not playing Buchanan's games."

Olivia, who'd been sitting on the couch next to Amanda, leaned slightly forward in order to address the prosecutor, placing a steadying hand on her girlfriend's back as she moved. "So," she said, "if this does go all the way to trial"—she turned to the younger woman—"which I think we all agree is what we want, right baby?" Amanda nodded, offering Olivia an unconvincing smile. What she wanted in this moment was irrelevant. "What is Buchanan planning as far as a defense?"

Amanda sighed, and she semi-unconsciously shrugged away from Olivia's touch as she also leaned towards Alex. "I mean, is he sayin' that he just didn't do it? That someone else did? He didn't wear a condom, and it's not like there were ever any other suspects," she rationalized.

"I don't know the details yet." Alex glanced apologetically at Amanda. "I'm sure we'll find out sooner rather than later."

The youngest of the three women was frustrated. If Buchanan was trying to make a deal, did he think he didn't have much of a case? Amanda had never known the defense attorney to give up a fight. He must have had a plan—he was just sneakily concealing it from the other side. The detective wondered what degrading story about her the two men were likely coming up with, and all she could think about was the defense strategy every accused rapist who was dumb enough to not use protection fell back on. "He's gonna say it was consensual."

This wasn't the first time Olivia had considered that particular possibility, but hearing the words exit Amanda's mouth, passively stoic, ignited a fire within her that exploded as she stood up without warning. "And the rock to your head and the neuromuscular blocking agent that could have stopped your breathing—that was consensual too? That's a stretch, even for Buchanan." She didn't even believe the words as she decided to say them. It absolutely wasn't a stretch for Buchanan. Not even a little bit. But uttering the hopeful lie out loud was all she could do the extinguish the flame in her heart that was threatening to engulf her. She'd promised Amanda she wouldn't yell. She promised her.

"The rumor I heard," Alex began to admit, keeping her voice soft in hopes that Olivia would be capable of following her lead, "is that he's working a self-defense angle."

"Oh, yeah," a furious Olivia muttered in disbelief, unable to control the venom in her voice, "an incapacitated woman, naked and injured on the ground is really threatening."

Amanda flinched at the detailed picture her girlfriend had painted, her head beginning to spin. She had indeed been incapacitated, naked, and injured, which means whatever Patton and Buchanan's angle was, there was information about their plan Alex had intentionally or unintentionally left out.

Olivia turned to Amanda when she heard an unintelligible whisper. "You promised me," Amanda repeated tearfully. "You promised you'd try to stay calm, Liv. Please. I can't do this without you."

Alex cleared her throat as Olivia inhaled intentionally, moving to sit back down next to her girlfriend and softly rattling off incoherent apologies. "Like I said, I don't know the details yet." It was a weak attempt to placate the brunette. Olivia was known to become this angry during pre-trial proceedings where an absolute stranger was the victim. The seasoned detective always took cases personally. But this was different—it was personal.

Wisely, Amanda decided to change the subject, knowing this conversation wouldn't lead anywhere productive. First, she laid a hand over Olivia's thigh, wanting her to know that she wasn't angry, she was just done with their previous discussion. "I never asked what happened with the Mallory Hankel case."

The blonde attorney had hoped Amanda wouldn't bring this up. Her face dropped and her statement bordered on an admission of guilt. "I made a deal with Hankel's defense attorney. Criminal sex act three."

The younger detective hardly looked up. "Alex, that's a class E felony."

The ADA was more than aware of that. At least it wasn't a misdemeanor. "It was the only felony Ellis would agree to. He got two years."

Though Olivia remained silent during the exchange, allowing her fingers to absently play with Amanda's, the brunette's girlfriend became animated, a one-eighty spin from her attitude mere seconds earlier. "You couldn't get second degree?"

Alex knew Amanda would be mad. Not dissimilar to Olivia, the ADA had also witnessed the younger blonde glow on occasion with a burning type of anger Alex hadn't been familiar with before her time at SVU. But her hands were tied here. Two years was still better than none, right? "Mallory is only three years and ten months younger than Peter Hankel," she explained. The counselor couldn't fight the law. "The statute is clear. Ellis would get us with an affirmative defense."

Amanda pinched the bridge of her nose, attempting to calm herself with a cleansing breath. "He's her uncle, Alex."

The attorney inhaled sharply, gritting her teeth. "I know."

Alex often tried to mind her own business. She was always professional and always dedicated to her cases, of course, but if she couldn't get a warrant or object to Trevor Langan badgering a witness, she decided other people's problems weren't for her. It wasn't as if she didn't care, but Alex's claim to fame was in being useful to others. Unable to make Amanda feel better, the ADA just felt awkward. She didn't want to notice the differences between the way the younger woman reacted to less than great information about Mallory's case and the way she reacted to similar circumstances regarding her own case. Alex didn't want to acknowledge that Amanda had been resigned to being smeared in court, yet indignant at the thought that a teenage girl wouldn't get the justice she deserved. Because if she acknowledged that the woman that Alex had begun to consider a friend was clearly experiencing pain, she'd also have to admit that there wasn't very much else she could do. She'd also have to admit her own part in the course of events that had unfolded before her six weeks ago.

Alex could hold her own in court, but elsewhere she felt sort of helpless. Could she trust herself with basic decision making anymore? When Amanda hadn't shown up to testify that day, she could have given her the benefit of the doubt and looked for her, could have called Olivia, could have assumed that the detective needed help. But that's not what she did. Instead, she'd figured Amanda was being irresponsible and reckless, maybe she'd been gambling, deciding simply to not show up to court. Alex had come to the lazy conclusion that Amanda wasn't good at her job, and she'd completely ignored the reality of the situation. If the attorney had acted sooner, maybe—

Before Alex could think herself into a nervous breakdown, Amanda spoke again, voicing thoughts that had also weighed heavily on the ADA's mind. "It's my fault. She won't even be seventeen when he gets out. God, I can't believe I abandoned that little girl in court."

"No." Olivia's own attempt at dissent to the claim Amanda had made was swallowed as the other woman immediately forced her opinion. Alex wasn't new to watching people blame themselves for things that weren't their fault. It was a phenomenon to be expected with the type of crime she'd chosen to prosecute. But what the woman wasn't prepared for was having to listen to Amanda blame herself for something that was Alex's own fault. She couldn't let it continue, not even for long enough for Liv to work her magic. Amanda needed to know that Peter Hankel's short prison sentence, the detective having to prove to a jury that she didn't consent to almost dying at Patton's hands—Alex was responsible for both things. It definitely felt that way. "If anything, I abandoned you both."

Amanda and Olivia both looked at the attorney skeptically, but it was the younger of them who spoke, giving voice to a confusion both cops shared. "What?"

Alex twitched almost robotically as she rushed the least believable response to a question ever attempted. "Nothing." She bent down hastily to retrieve her briefcase after pretending to check the time on her phone. "I have a pre-trial motion for another case. Amanda, I'll give you a time and date as soon as I have one. The court schedule hasn't been determined for next week yet." She began moving towards the door before stopping awkwardly in her tracks. "You did great today, by the way. You're ready. I'll walk myself out."

Flinching at the door slam, Amanda took a moment to cringe as she processed the experience she'd just had, squeezing Olivia's thigh in an effort to ground herself. "What was that?"

The blonde was appreciative of Liv's soothing hum. "That, my love, was Alex Cabot's version of vulnerability."

Amanda saw her girlfriend's fingers casually migrate away from their position stroking the back of her hand, and they came to land intentionally on the underside of her wrist. "You've been doing that a lot lately," the younger woman mused, feeling her pulse beat rhythmically against the light pressure Olivia held on her skin.

"Mhm," the brunette confessed, her voice markedly less agitated than it had been during the conversation with Alex. "Honestly, sometimes feeling your heart beat is the only thing that can calm my own. When I'm not with you like this, I get so scared. I don't know where you are, if you're safe. This is the only way I can know for sure." Olivia sighed deeply, making the decision to rest her head against Amanda's chest, allowing the soothing sensation of the steady thump-thump to surround her. Amanda was okay. She was alive, but without the reminder, Liv felt a constant looming threat, a perpetual panic working its way through her non-stop.

"I can't imagine how terrified you must have been that day." Amanda raked her fingers through Olivia's hair, aware of just how much the older cop needed to be comforted by the warm body of her girlfriend. "I'm here, Liv," she cooed softly. "I'm alright, I promise."

Amanda heard an unmistakable sniffle. "I thought I was going to lose you," came a meek whimper from below her. "I'm sorry I got so angry again. I think I'm just mad at myself."

"For what, honey?"

"The whole time you were with him, I was just casually hanging out at the precinct drinking coffee, thinking you were testifying. Alex was right, but not about herself. I should have known. I should have acted sooner. I should have done something."

"How could you have known, Liv?" Amanda gently pushed Olivia's head off her chest—even though she knew the woman didn't want to leave—because she needed the brunette to hear her words. "I intentionally kept you in the dark. I made that decision, not you. Baby, I hear you tell partners all the time that there was nothin' they could have done. There was nothin' you could have done. And this—it's not productive, the what-ifs and if-onlys. What happened—happened, and now we have to move forward. We're sitting together right now, and I'm safe."

The older woman sniffed again, moving her own hair out of her face. "I'm supposed to be comforting you, Amanda."

"Liv, you survived a trauma too. And you're spending so much time worried about me that you're not dealin' with your own pain. This fear that you're describing, baby, how you always need to be feelin' my breathing, my heart—that's a trauma response. You're livin' in fight-or-flight, and you're ignorin' it because you want it to go away, but it won't."

"What should I do?" Olivia looked up at Amanda, watery eyes causing her to look more puny than the blonde had ever seen her. Olivia Benson was the queen of giving advice to people, and it isn't as if Amanda wasn't happy to provide her with support, but seeing Liv outwardly act this uncertain and this unsure of herself wasn't familiar to the younger woman. The brunette had always been more real and more vulnerable with Amanda than she acted in public, but this degree of desperation was new. Wide-eyed with a constant flow of tears taking the path down her face, Amanda Rollins hadn't ever seen the hard-ass detective seem so childlike, so innocent, and so fragile.

Amanda attempted to wipe a few tears off of Olivia's red-hot cheeks. "You gotta start with letting yourself feel it."

Benson knew she couldn't afford to let go in the way her girlfriend had just asked her to. She had to be strong because Amanda needed her. Sure, Olivia had been scared the day of Amanda's attack, but there was no way that what she experienced came even close to what the blonde had felt alone in that warehouse, unable to move, cold, and bleeding. "I have to take care of you, 'Manda."

Amanda shook her head. She'd endured visible injuries, and her body had been through something that lab work could indicate, so Olivia was assuming that by nature she'd suffered more, but the blonde was keenly aware of how awful she'd felt any time she got news of shots fired on a scene, how a stabbing pain shot through her chest each time Olivia's radio signal got interrupted when she pursued a rapist on foot. Those moments for Amanda had only lasted mere seconds, but for Olivia on the day that the blonde had gone missing from the courthouse, the breathlessness and emptiness had gone on for so much longer, and the residual effects remained in the form of invisible scars. The younger woman had been hurt, but she knew Liv must have felt as if a limb had been cut from her. "We need to take care of each other."

The night before the detective was to testify before the grand jury, she lied awake in bed, staring at the ceiling for several hours. She'd woken up with a jolt from the worst nightmare she'd ever had, and she couldn't bring herself to fall back to sleep. She also doubted the wisdom of seeking support from Olivia. This wasn't an ordinary nightmare, and it wasn't something that Liv would easily be able to comfort her about. Even if she made herself tell Olivia about this dream, it would only make it worse. This wasn't one of Amanda's quintessential "I'm protecting Liv" omissions—telling her girlfriend about what happened in her dream would be on a whole different level of cruelty.

Why did this happen? Why was her subconscious always so irrational? As self-hating thoughts overwhelmed her, Amanda didn't even notice herself begin to cry. It was the gentle shifting of the bed beneath her that brought her back to attention, and then she heard a sleepy voice that would have, in any other context, been the biggest relief she could possibly imagine.

"'Manda?" The blonde turned slightly to address the voice that was trying to quickly wake itself up. "'Manda, baby, you okay?" Olivia murmured, blindly groping at the sheets in the dark to find her girlfriend's sleepless form. "Are you crying?"

Before she could answer, the older woman's hand made contact with her shoulder, and as the instinctual jerk away from the touch surprised even Amanda, the visceral movement sucked all traces of sleep from Olivia's eyes. "Amanda?"

The brunette immediately moved to turn on her bedside lamp, blinking quickly a few times to speed up the process of her eyes adjusting, but it didn't take long for her to notice a fresh set of tears cascading down Amanda's cheeks. She instinctively extended a hand to wipe the droplets of water away, before harshly reminding herself of what had happened the last time she'd gone to comfort Amanda. "Can I touch you?" Liv asked quietly, though she expected to receive an unequivocal "no" in response.

Amanda's eyelids clenched shut, and Benson watched as the rate of tears escaping her eyes increased. "Um…."

"Okay. Hey, I won't." Amanda hesitantly opened her eyes, rubbing at them, willing reality to fade away. "I'm not going to touch you,'Manda," the brunette promised again. "Did you have a nightmare?"

Olivia could barely make out the nod. Amanda always worried about being a burden, so sometimes she wasn't the most forthcoming with her struggles, but her face was clearly guilt-ridden as she confirmed her girlfriend's suspicions. Liv had comforted the blonde after a bad dream before, and there was no reason to believe this time was any different. "My love, I need you to remember that it was just a dream. I know it was scary, and we can talk about it, but it's just you and me here. Just you and me."

Usually, reminding Amanda of this fact soothed her instantly, so Olivia didn't know what to think when the fear in her eyes grew in response to her words. "My nightmare wasn't about Patton, Olivia. If I tell you what happened in the dream, you're gonna hate me."

Liv didn't understand. "What do you mean it wasn't about—" And then it clicked.

Amanda's nightmare had been about Olivia. That's why she'd flinched at her touch, why she wasn't actively seeking comfort, why she was worried about Liv's response to the dream.

Dread. That's the only word she had to describe the feeling in her body as she sat up in the bed. "What happened in your dream, Amanda?"

Amanda shook her head, and her breathing audibly accelerated. "Liv, I don't think I can say it out loud."

The last thing Olivia wanted to do was force Amanda to talk to her about this, especially if she felt like she was in danger, but this was a situation in which Detective Benson couldn't let sleeping dogs lie. "We have to address it, baby. We have to. I'll get up and stand in the corner if that feels safer, but ignoring it won't help, love."

"I'm sorry."

"I'm not mad," Olivia promised, taking a moment to lower her voice as she wrung her hands together, resisting the urge to gather Amanda up in her arms and never let go. "I'm not mad at all, but I need to know, sweetheart. Take your time and only share what you can, but we can't pretend it didn't happen."

Amanda nodded, turning away from Olivia. She wasn't going to look at her face during this, and she was grateful when her girlfriend didn't protest it. "So, in the dream, we were havin' sex. It was completely consensual—at first." Amanda didn't know how explicit she should be, but she did know that if this conversation didn't make Liv decide to leave her, going forward the brunette would need to be aware of some of the details. "You were, uh—you were goin' down on me. I got a little anxious, so I asked for a break, y'know?" The blonde paused for a moment to suck in some air, but she didn't wait for Liv to answer. "You, um, you laughed, and you said that you were tired of givin' me breaks and you were tired of 'babying' me, and if I was gonna agree to sex, then I was gonna agree to sex. Then, you held me down. I was so confused, I just kept tellin' you that I was scared and that it hurt, but you didn't—you wouldn't stop."

Olivia watched Amanda's body shake as she sobbed. She had known what Amanda was going to say; the lead up had been fairly obvious, but nothing could have prepared the woman for hearing the words out loud. There was a question Olivia couldn't force herself not to ask, and since she wouldn't be able to provide any physical assurance, she needed to get as much information as she could from her girlfriend as quickly as possible. "I know we're not having sex right now, but is that something you think might happen when we do?"

Amanda stammered out an attempt at an intelligible reply, but she could barely get out two words before the meaning of the statement she was trying to make completely changed. "I can't imagine, I mean—I know you, and—but I don't know what to think, and in the dream, I—"

"Okay, look at me." Olivia wasn't sure how to establish and maintain the kind of eye contact she would need in order to get her point across, especially since she wouldn't even consider touching her girlfriend right now. "Amanda, I need you to look at me." The longtime SVU detective reminded herself to focus on the task at hand because she knew that if she thought at all about the implications of this nightmare, she would lose it. Eventually, the younger woman rotated around so that she was facing Olivia again. "I would never." Did Amanda really fear her? Had this been going on since before Patton? It wasn't as if the blonde had experienced a whole slew of healthy and respectful relationships before, and it would make sense if what happened in Atlanta was also affecting her. "'Manda, I need to remind you of something, okay?"

At a weak nod, the older woman continued speaking, ignoring the bile that rose in her throat and the heavy weight crushing her chest. She had to keep it together right now. There would be time for Olivia to process later, but right now, Amanda needed to hear the proof that for some reason was out of reach for her. "I just asked if I could touch you, and you didn't tell me yes, so my hands are right here next to me. You remember that, sweetheart?"

After Amanda had indicated that yes, she did remember, Olivia resumed her impromptu speech. "Have I ever touched you after you'd asked me not to?" The brunette knew that Amanda's fear wasn't logical, but she hoped that a gentle crash course in their memories together would help the panicking woman recall evidence that could refute the uneasiness she was feeling due to the nightmare. At the shake of her head, Olivia nodded, inhaling shakily. "I never have, and I never will. I would die before I'd do anything that even comes close to resembling what happened in your dream."

Amanda was clearly beginning to calm, and she was so grateful for the flashlight Liv was shining in the dark for her. "I know that. We've been together for eight months, and I've never seen any evidence that would back up my nightmare. I don't think there's any real significance to it, I'm just freakin' out because it happened, because I don't wanna hurt you. I don't think you would ever, I really don't. I'm—I'm sorry. With this and testifying—I think I'm finally breakin' down. I wish I could get over it."

Olivia took a deep breath. She wanted to believe Amanda was being honest in saying she didn't actually think Liv would hurt her, but the nightmare was about her, and she wasn't ready to let it go. "The thing about trauma is it demands to be heard. And if you ignore it, it yells louder. You reminded me of that the other day. There's no way to get over this. You have to go through it. This doesn't have to be a breakdown. It can be a breakthrough. It's been more than six weeks now, love. You have to get it out."

Liv was slightly confounded when a small chuckle escaped Amanda's throat. "You know, the funny thing is I was just workin' up the nerve to tell you..."

"To tell me what, babe?" It was possible this was a good thing. Amanda wanted to share something with Olivia. Maybe that meant she wasn't afraid, or at the very least, willing to admit she was.

Amanda laughed once more, considering keeping this piece of information to herself. This definitely wasn't the best time. But maybe because she was a raw emotional mess, this would be the only time. "I miss being touched by you," she confessed, wincing at her own words. "I mean, I know you've touched me. But it's all been this high-stakes negotiation—'can I comfort her or will she break?' I miss cuddling up on the couch and watching a movie. You used to walk by me and just randomly run your hand across some area of my body, just to say hello. I miss your kisses and your random little caresses. I miss bein' close and not having to second guess it. I miss havin' sex, which is crazy because I am so clearly not ready, but I think the nightmare was just a manifestation of all of...that. And now that I told you about the dream, you won't touch me. I mean, why would you? You think I'm afraid you're gonna fuckin' rape me. Jesus Christ," she lamented, shaking her head in disbelief at herself, "every time I open my fuckin' mouth, I create another mother fuckin' disaster."

Olivia's eyes widened at her girlfriend's choice of words. It wasn't like Amanda wasn't known to curse every once in a while—the blonde was a huge fan of a well-placed "fuck"—but multiple times in one statement was unlike her. "Okay. Amanda, I think you're spinning, sweetheart. Let's take some deep breaths. It's normal to have conflicting feelings about all this, and nightmares will happen."

Frustration grew in Amanda's belly. "I'm not one of your vics, Liv, you don't have to say those things."

Amanda watched guiltily as Olivia flinched at her words. She was still messing this up big-time, but Liv was being nothing but patient. "I'm not saying anything I don't genuinely believe to be true."

"And I'm bein' a jerk to you again."

Olivia shook her head, and she slowly reached her hand out to Amanda, giving her the opportunity to take it, but only if she wanted. The blonde looked down at the bed between them, choosing to ignore the gesture because she knew she no longer deserved Liv's kindness. The older woman of course didn't force the issue, but she did speak. "Baby, you just had an awful dream, and you're still coming down from that. Give yourself some space to just be. Thank you for telling me about missing touch in our relationship. I want you to know that I miss it too, and it's definitely a conversation we should make the time to have. But not tonight. You have a long day tomorrow, and it's important that you get some rest. Would you feel more comfortable with me sleeping in the other room?"

Amanda was terrified of being alone, but of course Liv would be worried about staying with her. At her deer in the headlights expression, Olivia chose to reevaluate her plan. "Okay, what can I do—what can I do to help you feel safe?"

"I don't know. I don't know." Amanda covered her face with both hands, and her crying began anew. "Everything just feels wrong, and I wanna claw off my skin. I don't wanna be afraid of you. I'm not afraid of you. I need you." She threw herself unceremoniously into Olivia's arms. "I want it to stop, Liv. Please make it stop."

The older detective hesitated to return Amanda's touch, not knowing how to comfort her without restraining her. She settled for placing both hands on her girlfriend's head, using her voice primarily instead of touch in order to provide support as the woman cried, reminding her that she was there and she wasn't going anywhere, that they'd figure it out.

They always did.

The next morning was in a word, better. The circles underneath Amanda's eyes were pronounced, and she decided not to cover up the darkened skin with makeup, hoping the grand jurors would be able to see it.

Olivia walked Amanda up the steps, quickly giving her hand a squeeze as they reached the top. "You're not alone anymore," she reminded gently, relieved to see a small smile in return.

Alex greeted her then, leading her towards the room where she'd testify for the first time, and the attorney quickly reminded her of the questions she was going to be asked. All twenty—twenty? Amanda may have counted wrong—of the grand jurors sat respectfully as the blonde recounted her experiences in Atlanta and then began answering inquiries about the last time Amanda had climbed up the courthouse steps.

The ADA was at her best, encouraging the younger woman to take her time and asking the right questions in a sensible progression. Amanda began to struggle as the conversation arrived at the portion she was most anxious about.

"So, after he struck you with the rock, Charles Patton injected you with a drug?" Amanda nodded in the affirmative. "Pancuronium bromide, I have in my notes. Can you tell us what this drug does, Detective Rollins?"

"It paralyzes you," Amanda indicated, taking a deep breath.

"But it's not an anesthetic, is that correct?"

"Yes, that's correct."

"So, during this attack, you were awake, just unable to move?" Amanda nodded. "What happened next, Detective?"

"I…" It occurred to Amanda that she hadn't spent much time considering how she'd word this part. While they were prepping at their apartment, Alex had allowed her to gloss over the details after the detective had promised she knew what to say. The prosecutor had trusted her, and Amanda had every intention of writing herself a script, but with everything that had happened the night before, it had slipped her mind. She thought about just saying the words "he raped me", but she was too smart to really believe she could get away with that kind of brevity. Been there, done that. "I…" she tried again.

Olivia's voice from the early morning whispered in her mind.

"Take your time and only share what you can, but we can't pretend it didn't happen."

"He said…he said that it was time for me to give him what he was entitled to, what I owed him." She knew Alex would ask if he'd said anything, so her plan was to start with that part in hopes that she wouldn't ask if he'd said anything else. "I didn't willingly give him anything, he just took it. Over the course of probably an hour or so, he raped me with his mouth and with his penis."

"I'm sorry to ask, Detective, but you're referring to vaginal penetration only, correct?"

Amanda nodded, before deciding to add her voice to the record on this particular question. "Yes, that's correct."

"And you were unable to move or speak for the entire duration of the sexual contact?"

"Yes. My eyes were only open because he opened them."

After she finished testifying, the attorney seamlessly turned it over to the jurors for questions. Amanda had never met a nicer grand jury. Alex must have set them up perfectly for the detective's story because not one of them asked if she'd secretly wanted it, or if she was just a slut, or any of the demeaning things she'd assumed would come out of their mouths.

"Hi, my sweet," Liv softly greeted after Alex dutifully returned the detective to her girlfriend, who'd been sitting in the lobby, grateful and relieved when Amanda initiated a hug as the brunette met the ADA's eyes. "How did it go?"

"She did great," Alex confirmed. "I think they'll be quick. Hang around for a bit?" she invited.

Olivia deferred to Amanda. "Sure."

"Great. I'll come get you guys as soon as I have a verdict."

"Thanks, Alex." The prosecutor gave a quick smile and wave before leaving, and Liv turned to the blonde, gesturing for her to sit down next to her. "Hey, my love, how was it?" Olivia tenderly brushed some of Amanda's hair—which she'd barely combed through that morning—behind her shoulder, and the blonde smiled, comforted by the notion that her girlfriend hadn't completely sworn off touching her in light of the previous night's commotion.

"It was okay," she breathed. "I think they believed me."

"Good." When Amanda leaned into the hand that was still brushing through her hair, Olivia let herself lightly caress a delicate cheek. "I want you to know that I believe you too."

The younger cop's features scrunched together in skepticism and confusion. "Yeah, I mean, Liv, that kinda goes without sayin'."

"No, I mean, of course I believe you," Olivia replied obviously, "but what you said—about not being afraid of me? I was thinking about it, and I believe you. I was sort of freaking out last night myself. I mean—don't get me wrong—I wanted you to tell me about the dream so we could resolve it, but I did have myself convinced that you were actively terrified of me."

"That's not really a leap, babe," Amanda conceded, grateful that Liv hadn't moved her fingers away from her skin. She'd unknowingly been craving this sort of touch since the night before, and she'd worried it would be months before she'd feel it again. "It makes sense because that's pretty much what I said. The dream itself was a lot to take in, but you helped me process it all, so I think I'm okay. I'm not suggesting we pretend it never happened. When we create a trigger plan for having sex, it's gonna be relevant. I know that's not really top priority right now, but…"

"No, it's important. We have to talk about things as they come up, sweetheart, and it…came up."

Something else that had come up, for Amanda specifically, was that it was becoming clearer every day that there was genuinely nothing the blonde could tell her girlfriend that would drive her away. She'd shared with Olivia what she'd assumed would be the straw that broke the proverbial camel's back—she'd told her that there was a part of her subconscious that feared for her safety in her girlfriend's hands—and the older woman hadn't left her, hadn't begged her to stop sharing, hadn't told her she deserved to feel that way. It was obvious that Liv was in it for the long haul, even if Amanda didn't always feel deserving of that kind of care. She wouldn't be able to make the brunette leave if she wanted to, and she definitely didn't want to.

Amanda laid her head on her girlfriend's shoulder. How could she have ever believed this woman would cause her harm? As if she could read her mind, Liv pressed a kiss to her hairline. "It's going to be okay, 'Manda. We're going to make it through this. There will be life beyond these hard moments, I promise."

There was no doubting this kind of love.

When Alex emerged from the courtroom, a satisfied smile on her face, Amanda was reminded that in even the hard moments, there was hope, even in the shadows, there was light. "They returned a true bill. We're going to trial."

A/N: This was very likely the most intense chapter of this entire story. Things will ebb and flow from here, but the overall trend will be towards the light. Thank you all for sticking with me in the dark moments.

-Gabby