In the First Degree
Trial Part 1
A/N: Thank you so much for your comments and follows! I really appreciate all of you! Please feel free to drop a comment and let me know what you like about this story or any other thoughts you may have. If you would like to connect via social media, my Instagram/twitter is faceinbud.
Keep staying safe everyone. Let me know if there's anything you'd like to see in this trial, as this chapter is only part one. (This chapter also marks the halfway part of the story!)
I need to add both a disclaimer that I do not own SVU or its characters and a TRIGGER WARNING to anyone who is especially sensitive to the subject of sexual assault. ANGST TO COME!
"Olivia!"
Detective Benson was tidying up around the apartment a couple months later when she heard a distressed call from the kitchen. She found Amanda standing next to the counter, frozen in fear. Before Liv could ask her girlfriend what was wrong, she noticed droplets of blood falling onto the tile floor, and it looked like the origin of the dripping red substance was the blonde's hand.
Olivia took a few more steps towards Amanda. "'Manda, what happened?"
"I'm bleeding." The flat affect was concerning to the older woman, so she reached to cradle Amanda's cheek in her hand. "Liv, I'm bleeding," the blonde repeated, panic rising in her voice. "Oh, God, I'm bleeding."
"Baby, hey, you're okay. It's just a little blood. It looks like you cut your finger. Can I see?"
Amanda lifted her shaky hand and as Olivia glanced down at the injury, she didn't see the tears that began to fall down the younger cop's cheeks. Rollins didn't feel like Liv was truly listening to her, so she tried again, tears escaping from her wide eyes. "Olivia, I'm bleeding."
The junior detective had been concealing it from everyone, but she had developed a serious fear of her own blood. Her period the previous month should have been reassuring, but instead it sent her flying into a panic attack, and a nick she gave herself while shaving her legs did the same. The experience of bleeding at all reminded her of how powerless she'd felt in the abandoned building Patton had left her in, knowing she was fading in and out of consciousness due to blood loss, and there was nothing she could do about it. When the knife she'd been using hit her finger, the sight of the crimson liquid paralyzed her so quickly, she hadn't even been capable of holding pressure on the minor incision as she called out to Olivia for help.
The terror she saw in Amanda's eyes scared Olivia, and she didn't even think twice before using her bare hand in attempt to stop the flow of blood from the opening in the younger woman's skin. The blonde whimpered at the painful sensation of the harsh pressure before looking back down at the tiny puddle of blood that was pooling on the floor. She hadn't felt this way since the moments before Olivia, Nick, and Fin had found her in the warehouse, helpless and afraid for her life. "Liv," she squeaked. "Help me."
Olivia hadn't known about this pattern of tiny injuries causing crippling fear for Amanda, but she'd been enrolled in a crash course that afternoon, having to quickly determine the cause of her girlfriend's panic. "Hey, look at me," she implored gently, nudging Amanda's chin upwards with her free hand in order to get her eyes off the blood dripping from her finger. "You're okay. I saw it, and it isn't bad. I'm just going to grab a tissue. These types of cuts can bleed a lot, but it doesn't mean you're in danger. I'm right here."
Amanda allowed Liv to acquire the closest paper product available, some paper towels, and watched in horror as she replaced the pressure of her right hand with the softer white material. "What if I pass out? Will you call 911 if I can't?" Her voice sounded calmer, but the brunette could tell it was only because Amanda had become embarrassed of her reaction to the less than severe injury. Four months after her assault, Amanda was starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Day to day life had become easier, less heavy. She could sometimes go hours without seeing Patton's face, hearing his voice, feeling his hands. She even experienced some nightmare-free sleeps. Occasionally, however, a reminder of what Amanda had gone through hit her like a truck, and she didn't like the way it always made her feel. Broken. Each time she perceived her response to an adverse stimulus as an overreaction, she immediately attempted to downplay it, and it was always obvious to Olivia.
"You're not going to pass out, love," the older woman promised softly. "Let's go sit down so you feel more steady."
Keeping one hand over the paper towel that covered Amanda's fingertip, Liv gingerly wrapped the other arm around her waist, leading her to one of their kitchen chairs and helping her sit down, and then she knelt to be at eye level in front of the other woman, brushing some sweaty hair out of her face. "You're safe, sweetheart," she swore. "I'm not going to let anything happen to you. I promise."
"The—the bl—the blood scared me," she stuttered, beginning to shiver, "and I'm c—cold."
"I know, baby," Olivia acknowledged, using her free hand to rub warmth into one of Amanda's arms. "You're cold because you're sweating. You only lost a little blood. I looked at it, and it isn't serious, okay?"
"Am I gonna n—need stiches?" she inquired, her uninjured hand moving subconsciously to brush against her hairline.
"I don't think so, but I do want to look at it again in a few minutes." Liv reached up to gently pull Amanda's hand away from her temple. "Stay here with me," she reminded. "You're safe, 'Manda."
"I'm sorry," the blonde shuddered.
"Shhh," Olivia soothed, rubbing circles into the back of her girlfriend's hand. "Just breathe for me. There you go. You're okay, love. Listen," she sighed, giving Amanda a soft smile, "I want to go grab the first-aid kit. Do you think you can hold this pressure for me while I do that?"
Not only did the older woman need Amanda to help slow the bleeding from her finger, she also wanted to keep her free hand busy, knowing that preoccupied with the idea of needing stiches, she might start thinking about when she last received stiches, and Liv thought being productive and having power in the process of caring for this injury could maybe help her relax. The blonde gave a weak nod, placing the fingers of her right hand next to Olivia's. "I'm going to go. You got it?"
"I got it," Amanda croaked.
At Amanda's confirmation, Liv stood up, and then placing one hand on the back of the blonde's head, she brought her lips in to caress her hairline. "I'll be right back," Olivia vowed.
When she returned, the brunette once again knelt down in front of the chair, placing the first -aid kit next to her. "We're going to take the paper towel away now, love, okay?"
"Liv, you're gonna pull the scab off," she protested, shaking her head. "We can't."
"If the bleeding hasn't stopped yet, I'll put it back, babe, I promise, but we have to see if you need medical attention."
"I don't wanna go to the hospital," Amanda protested, "and like you said, it's not serious. I just got scared." The blonde didn't like the lighting in the hospital, and she didn't like the way it smelled. She didn't like the way every nurse reminded you to get some rest even though they knocked on the door of your room every four hours to check your kidney function, effectively waking you up. She didn't like how you had to sign consent forms for everything when the last thing you want when you're already injured is for anyone to do anything to you at any time.
"I still have to look, sweetheart," she insisted, letting a hand rest on one of Amanda's thighs, squeezing lightly.
"Okay," Amanda conceded, slowly pulling her hand away from the finger that had been bleeding. "Is it bad?" she questioned hastily.
"I can't see it yet, love. Let's move the paper towel. Can I take it?" Olivia waited for a hesitant nod before pulling the paper towel completely away and discarding it on the floor next to her. "I think the bleeding's stopped," she announced softly. "I'm going to clean it with some alcohol, that way I can see how deep the cut is too." Not getting a response as she rummaged through the kit next to her, Olivia looked up. "Is that okay?"
"Yeah, um, it kinda hurts a lot, so if I cringe or yelp, that's why," she preemptively explained.
Olivia nodded, offering her girlfriend a comforting smile. "I'm going to be gentle, but let me know if you need a break. Can you tell me how this happened?" She figured keeping Amanda talking would be at least a small distraction from the sting of the alcohol swab.
"I was tryin' to cut tomatoes, and I guess the knife slipped."
Olivia looked up in response to a small whimper. "Is that all?"
Amanda deadpanned. "I think there's DNA evidence in our salad."
After placing some Neosporin on the small cut, Olivia gingerly wrapped a band aid around Amanda's finger before pecking it gently with her lips. "How do you feel now?" She stood up, gathering the garbage she'd produced.
"I feel like we need to throw out that salad."
Olivia pinched the bridge of her nose, realizing that Amanda clearly didn't want to talk about what had happened. Sometimes it made more sense to let things go. At least now the brunette was aware that blood was a thing for her girlfriend. "I see you're coming down from the adrenaline rush," she observed, walking towards the counter and retrieving the half-made bowl of vegetables. "I don't see any blood."
"Well, if you'd like, I can get CSU out here with some luminol," she offered, a sarcastic smirk on her lips.
"No," Olivia responded with a small smile, "that's not necessary. I believe you." She pitched the greens into the trash can before placing the bowl in the dishwasher and washing her hands. "How do you really feel?" she chanced, finishing her efforts to clean up the kitchen.
"Tired," Amanda admitted with a small sigh. "I didn't expect any drama today."
"Hmm," Olivia mused, placing her hands on her hips. "Hey, what do you think about cuddling up on the couch and watching a stupid movie?"
"Can we watch a stupid cop show?"
"Absolutely." Olivia smiled at her girlfriend, grabbing her hand and leading her into the living room. "You pick."
Before long, Amanda was practically sitting on Olivia's lap, a blanket covering them both. This is exactly what the younger woman needed right now. The blonde quickly turned on Netflix before scrolling knowingly through their "continue watching" section, quickly making a selection as Olivia chuckled softly.
After only a few minutes, Amanda rolled her eyes. "That lawyer is testifying, and the defense isn't even gonna object."
"He's got a point though."
"They always do, doesn't make it right."
Olivia raised an eyebrow. "You okay, counselor?"
"Yeah, I'm fine," Amanda huffed, ignoring her girlfriend's obvious jab, "it just makes me mad when they put inaccurate shit on TV. Now he's leading the witness—and nothing!"
"We have to sue them. I'll call Alex. God knows she doesn't have enough of a caseload." Olivia delighted in Amanda's laugh, a sound that was hard to come by these days. "Do you have a career goal you never told me about, 'Manda?"
The blonde just shrugged. "Like I said, I just don't like inaccurate shit on television."
Olivia smoothed her hand over Amanda's hair. "You watch these shows purposefully to call out the errors," she accused lightly, smiling widely at her girlfriend's sad attempt to hide a smirk. "How's your finger feel?"
"It…has a heartbeat," she described, referring to a constant throb in the digit. "Here, feel." Amanda knew Olivia always appreciated the opportunity to feel the thumping of her pulse, so she reached her hand out for Liv to do what she wished.
The older detective decided to press her lips to the band aid covering the tip of Amanda's forefinger, the sounds of an attorney on the television attempting to question a hostile witness fading away into the background. "I'm sorry you got hurt," the brunette whispered against her girlfriend's broken skin.
Amanda chewed on her bottom lip, embarrassed. "I'm sorry I freaked out."
"No need to apologize for that, sweetness. No need," she reassured, massaging her fingers into Amanda's scalp, smiling softly when the blonde hummed in response. "I know you're tired. Let's just snuggle and relax, okay?"
The younger woman rested her head against her girlfriend's, reaching for the remote in order to rewind the unethical bullshit unfolding on the screen in front of them. "If this doesn't end up being a mistrial, I swear to God, Olivia…"
"The defense can always appeal," Liv reminded, nuzzling her nose into Amanda's neck. "My sweet, sweet nerd."
A few weeks later, the courtroom scene jumped out of their television as Alex prepped Amanda for her trial testimony. The detective had elected to make the trip to the courthouse this time, knowing she'd be responding to much more specific and much more detailed inquiries, and she decided that she didn't want that memory to have taken place in her own home. She waited for Liv to leave on a bathroom break before she asked Alex to go through the most disturbing questions she'd have to answer. God knows Olivia only needed to hear those once. The ADA understood and quickly went through a few more minutes of practice testimony, deciding they were ready for direct examination when the brunette returned.
Alex wanted to spend most of their time that day preparing for Buchanan's cross examination. Though the attorney couldn't be sure exactly where the defense lawyer would go with his questioning, the woman was beginning to learn more about his strategy, and it's not like the man's arguments were often unpredictable.
She consented. She regretted it. She accused my client.
Generally, it was as simple as that. Alex knew how to destroy "he said/she said" arguments and so did Amanda, but she'd never done it regarding her own assault, so preparation was paramount here.
"Do you think Buchanan will call me?" Amanda desperately did not want to testify twice (or three times if she included her testimony to the best grand jury that had ever served the state of New York).
The ADA shook her head. "I don't."
The younger detective anxiously ran her hands back and forth over the wooden court bench. "Then who does he have as far as witnesses?"
Alex sighed. She really shouldn't give out this information to her complaining witness, lest she be caught, but due to the nature of their friendship, she felt as if she owed her something. "I believe Captain Sam Reynolds will speak as a character witness. I'm hoping Patton will testify, so I can get him in cross."
Even Amanda's old direct supervisor would be taking the stand to support Patton. She wondered if the man genuinely thought the Deputy Chief was innocent, or if this was just out of some kind of blind loyalty. She wouldn't even be able to find out. "I hate that most of the trial is gonna happen without me there."
Olivia stood up from the chair she was sitting in, the one Alex would occupy over the course of the trial. She approached Amanda on the stand, resting her hand over one of her girlfriend's. "I'm not a witness, so I'll be able to sit in the gallery, and I'll update you everyday."
Alex fought the small smirk that began to form on her lips as she looked through her case notes. "I'll pretend I didn't hear that."
Liv realized for the first time that if she watched the proceedings while Amanda couldn't, then they'd be apart for the duration of the trial, at least during the day. "I don't have to go all the time if you'd rather me be with you."
Amanda shook her head, pulling her fidgety hand away from the brunette's in favor of scratching at her head. "It's okay, Liv. I'll have work to keep me busy. Those rapists aren't gonna catch themselves." The blonde was also incredibly aware that Olivia needed an outlet for her anger and more importantly, she needed her own form of closure. "Besides, I know being there during this process will be healing for you."
Liv nodded. "I know you just went back to work, but do you think it might be a good idea to take some time off during the trial?"
Taking a deep breath, the youngest of the women shook her head in the negative. "If I can't do my job right now, I have no business being in the field at all."
On the first day of the trial, November 17th, Judge Karyn Blake began the proceedings, and then she invited both attorneys to make their opening statements. Olivia found herself nodding in response to the words Alex was saying, and she felt so grateful that the blonde prosecutor was the ADA currently representing their team. The detective had enjoyed working with multiple ADAs over her years in Special Victims, but it was no secret that Alex had the highest conviction rate of them all. After Buchanan's opening remarks, which Liv found to be lackluster, Judge Blake asked Alex to call her first witness.
"The people call Doctor Allison Wilde to the stand."
Olivia wished she could be with Amanda, wished the blonde could be there to see how many people were in the gallery supporting her—Nick, ME Warner, Munch, Cragen, even some survivors that the young detective had worked with in the past eighteen months. Fin was at the station with Amanda that day, but he planned on trading out with Amaro sometimes so that he could also be there in a supportive capacity, mostly for Liv.
The cop turned her attention to the attorney and the doctor. It almost felt like a knock knock joke—a cop, an attorney, and a doctor walk into a courtroom…. But this was not funny at all. Nothing in all of Olivia's life had ever felt so disgustingly real. She was at the rape trial of her best friend, the woman she'd be proud to call her wife one day. Amanda was going to be torn apart in the next few days, and unless he chose otherwise, Patton would just get to sit and watch.
Look at him, the brunette thought. Sitting there all comfortable-like. Did he know what it felt like to have his lungs and diaphragm weakened to the point of respiratory distress? Did he know what it felt like to be unable to defend himself, physically or verbally? Did it even occur to him that he was violating a human being, or was Amanda simply a toy to him, just an empty vessel for his pleasure and his power?
After a quick introduction to the jury, Alex cleared her throat, taking a small sip of water and a cleansing breath. "Can you tell us why your testimony is relevant in this case, Doctor?"
Dr. Wilde nodded. "I am a board-certified ER physician at Mercy General Hospital, and I have years of experience treating sexual assault victims." When Alex had reached out to the physician in advance of Patton's indictment proceeding, she had been more than happy to assist in this process as both Amanda's doctor and an expert on the injuries she'd sustained.
Alex nodded, pacing by her desk. "You were the Emergency Room attending physician on the day Detective Rollins was admitted to your hospital, yes?"
"Yes, I was."
"Can you describe the detective's injuries for the court please?"
Dr. Wilde sat up taller, leaning into her microphone. "Of course. Detective Rollins was brought in by EMS suffering traumatic blood loss caused by a laceration on her forehead and significant vaginal tearing. She was exhibiting symptoms of hypovolemic shock, and her entire body was paralyzed due to a neuromuscular blocking agent called pancuronium bromide. Her condition was serious, and a blood transfusion was required in order to stabilize her."
Olivia glanced at Buchanan, watching the defense attorney take some notes to prepare for his cross. What would he challenge the doctor on? Her board certification? The definition of "significant"? Alex's voice brought her back to the current examination. "To clarify for us, what are the symptoms of hypovolemic shock?"
"Rapid, shallow breathing. Weak, accelerated heart rate. Pale, clammy skin. Dangerously low blood pressure. All of these things are an attempt to adapt to the loss of blood. It's essentially the body shutting down."
"You mentioned a drug—" Alex glanced down at the paper on her desk for show; she remembered the name of the drug Patton had used with painful acuity. "—pancuronium bromide. Can you please share with us the effects of this drug?"
Dr. Wilde's head bobbed again. "Pancuronium is an aminosteroid muscle relaxant that completely paralyzes the patient but does not have anesthetic properties. Used in a non-medical setting, it is incredibly dangerous and often lethal, due to how a high enough dose paralyzes the organs essential to breathing. Exacerbated by the shock, the drug caused Detective Rollins's symptoms to be particularly dangerous."
Alex nodded as she spoke. "Could these symptoms have been fatal, Doctor?"
"There's no doubt in my mind about that." Dr. Wilde once again leaned towards her microphone, making eye contact with a few members of the jury. "Yes."
Because the effects of pancuronium had been established, Alex pivoted, turning her attention to the matter at hand. "Now, Dr. Wilde, based on your expert understanding, is it at all possible that Detective Rollins was capable of consenting to sex while under the influence of this drug?"
"Absolutely not."
The prosecutor and the doctor continued in a quick back-and-forth, something they'd practiced during trial preparations. "Was she capable of saying no?"
"Not a chance."
"Was she capable of physically fighting off an attacker?"
"Ms. Cabot, she was barely capable of breathing."
A tight smile played on the ADA's lips, and gratitude filled her heart. This testimony had gone swimmingly. "I have nothing further. Thank you, Dr. Wilde." She gave a long look to Buchanan as the two lawyers switched places.
Olivia always thought Alex's pacing was somewhat endearing, her way of engaging with a witness and the jurors at the same time. But the way Buchanan walked, it was as if he was stalking his prey. She had to hand it to the physician—she didn't even blink. "Dr. Wilde, have you ever seen a patient present with vaginal tearing after consensual sexual contact?"
The doctor opened her mouth to speak. "Yes, but—"
"So, in your expert opinion and experience, it's possible?" Buchanan was skilled in forcing black-and-white answers, which the doctor had been made aware of, but she was also aware that medicine wasn't always that clear cut. Sometimes it was more of an art than a science. Everybody was different because every body was different.
"Of course it's possible, but—"
Buchanan interrupted her again. "Dr. Wilde, is there a way, medically speaking, to prove the order in which a series of injuries occurred?"
"Well, depending on the nature of the injuries—"
A third time. "So, no."
Alex paused her writing to stand up behind her desk. "Objection. Is he going to let the witness answer or is he going to continue testifying?" Judge Blake immediately sustained the objection, and Buchanan took a deep breath.
"Okay, let's get more specific," the defense attorney agreed, harboring a tone and returning to his notes. "It is your testimony that Amanda Rollins arrived at your ER with vaginal tearing, a laceration on her forehead, and pancuronium bromide in her system, correct?"
"Yes, that's correct."
"Do you know, beyond any reasonable doubt, which of those injuries happened first, second, and third?"
Dr. Wilde hesitated for a moment. She wasn't going to lie on the stand, but she didn't want to make this issue simpler than it was. "No."
Buchanan beamed with excessive haughtiness. "So, it is true that she could have consented to sexual contact prior to the injection of the drug? I mean, there's no way to prove the injection happened before the vaginal tearing, right? And you did just tell me that vaginal tearing can result from consensual sex."
Dr. Wilde's brow furrowed, tired of this incompetent bully's antics. "Counselor, consensual cannibalism is technically possible, but that doesn't mean I'd feel comfortable testifying that a patient with chunks of flesh missing wanted to be eaten."
Olivia enjoyed the pained expression on Buchanan's face. "That's all I have for this witness."
The ADA smiled slyly at the doctor's words, hoping no one would notice. She certainly hadn't instructed her witness to say that. When the judge looked at her, Alex had no reason to request a redirect examination. "Nothing further."
The next morning, Alex left the courtroom in order to find her star witness, and her attention was garnered by Olivia standing up and waving her over. "Hey, where's Amanda? I'm ready for her."
Liv shrugged. "She went to the bathroom a little while ago, but I thought she was heading to you after."
Alex's eyes widened. "I haven't seen her."
Not again. "I'm going to check the bathroom."
Olivia was relieved at first to find her girlfriend seemingly unharmed, bracing herself against the sink, cheeks flushed red and damp with tears. Before she could say anything, the door opened to reveal juror number five, making Amanda look up. The brunette flashed her badge at the woman. "This bathroom is closed," she lied. "There's another in the front lobby."
Once she'd left, Amanda chuckled harshly without humor. "Thanks for that, Liv. The last thing I need is for a member of the jury to see me right now."
"No worries," Olivia said slowly, taking a step forward after locking the bathroom door from the inside. "What's going on, love?"
"I don't think I can do this," Amanda faltered, her eyes watering again. "I—I can't. I never imagined how impossible this would feel. I can't tell the jury what he did to me—and you, and Alex, and Fin, and Melinda. Whoever else is here. All those survivors. The court reporter. I just…can't."
Liv should have seen this coming. "Yes, you can." She approached Amanda, comforted by the fact that the woman seemed to want her reassurance and steadying touch. "Yes, you can, 'Manda. You are stronger than you'll ever know." The brunette had been a direct witness to this for the past five months, and she'd be damned if she was going to let Amanda believe it wasn't true.
The younger woman shook her head, frantically wiping tears from her face. They might help to persuade the jury, but Amanda wasn't going to deliberately wound her pride by crying in open court. "But he's gonna be there, Liv, and he's gonna be looking at me."
"Then you just look at me. Okay?" Olivia's eyes softened, and Amanda felt for a heavenly moment like they were the only two in the world—just her and Liv, and things were okay. "The whole time you're testifying, just look at me. You don't have to look at him ever again. Just look at me whenever you need support, and I'll be sending you all the love and all the strength in the world."
"Looking at you might be hard though, especially when I say things you haven't heard before."
The brunette nodded, knowing the next few hours would be hard for her also. "Then look at Alex and answer her questions, but know that I'll never make you discuss the details outside of that courtroom. You're always welcome to share with me if something comes up for you, but you never have to force yourself to tell me more than you're comfortable with. We never have to bring up the things you say to the jury again if you don't want to. It's your story to tell, it doesn't belong to me," she declared.
At this point, Amanda was just letting herself go through any and all reasons she didn't want to testify, trusting that her girlfriend would lovingly shoot down them all. "I'm also afraid that if thinking about my testimony gives me anxiety in the next few days, I'm not gonna want to tell you about it. I've worked so hard to be able to talk to you."
Liv appreciated that the blonde was concerned about her ability to confide in her, but she felt absolutely no entitlement to the nitty gritty of Amanda's experience. "All you have to tell me is that you're struggling. That's all I need to hear to provide you with comfort. I don't need the details."
Amanda had to mention one more thing. "I'm so scared. What if he doesn't get convicted and this was all for nothing?"
This was a fear Olivia couldn't make go away. She couldn't assure Amanda that justice would be served. It just didn't work that way. "Hey, Alex has a very strong case. But either way, we both know this is never for nothing. Take back your power, love. You can do this. I believe in you."
Amanda quickly wiped away the last of her tears, taking a deep breath. "You always have."
"And I always will."
A/N: Thank you all for following me through the first half of this story. I so appreciate your words of encouragement. What has meant the most to me with both of my SVU stories is survivors reaching out to me to tell me my writing was somehow healing to them. Nothing could bring me more fulfillment. Thank you to absolutely everyone who's reviewed, subscribed, given kudos, and read. I always welcome your thoughts. Please stay safe.
-Gabby