In the First Degree

Conviction Part 1

A/N: Thank you so much for your comments and follows! I really appreciate all of you! Please feel free to drop a comment and let me know what you like about this story or any other thoughts you may have. If you would like to connect via social media, my Instagram/twitter is faceinbud.

SO many typos in the last chapter! Ahhh! I hate it. I'm glad it doesn't seem to be a big deal for you guys. I also want to note that if you are reading this story as I post it, I just made a rather significant edit to the ending of the last chapter. It's important for you to go back and re-read the last few lines. I have come to learn that if a defendant chooses to testify, they must answer every question. They CANNOT refuse to answer. I changed the ending so that it has legal accuracy. It will be brought up in this chapter, so please re-read the ending of the last chapter. Thank you for reading at all, and I'm sorry to make you re-read a portion of this story, but it is so important to me that this is accurate to the fullest extent possible.

I hope everyone is still safe and healthy! We get through this together by staying apart.

I need to add both a disclaimer that I do not own SVU or its characters and a TRIGGER WARNING to anyone who is especially sensitive to the subject of sexual assault. ANGST TO COME!

Detective Benson entered the apartment that evening with a heavy exhale, dropping her purse onto the ground and stumbling into the living room. She was surprised to see her fiancée's belongings thrown on the floor by the entrance to their home. "'Manda?"

A blonde head peaked over the couch in response to the soft voice, and a smile involuntarily broke on her lips. "Hey, baby." Amanda was so incredibly relieved that Olivia was home. It had been the longest day of her life, waiting and not knowing. She reached out for the older woman as she approached, wrapping an arm around her neck and pecking her lips. "How was it?"

After returning the affectionate greeting, Olivia collapsed onto the couch, laying her head on her fiancée's shoulder. Still, she said nothing. Amanda slid slightly away from her after a moment. "Earth to Olivia. How'd it go?"

The younger woman was beginning to freak out. She'd spent all day absently staring at her computer and pretending to get work done due to the fact that she was anxious about what was happening in Trial Part 36, and Liv's lack of words wasn't reassuring. Did something bad happen? Alex had only rested her case the day before and Buchanan started putting witnesses on the stand that morning, so there was no way the jury had returned a verdict yet. There was a pregnant pause as the younger woman anxiously waited for Olivia to speak. It seemed as if she wasn't sure what to say. The brunette sighed, rubbing a hand over her forehead. "It was…fine."

Amanda promptly stood up, nervously raking her fingers through yellow locks and allowing the grounding pulling sensation to soothe her. "Fine? What does fine mean? I'm not askin' for a play-by-play, Liv, but I'd like to know what our chances are."

Benson nodded, patting the couch next to her. "Come here, love. I didn't mean to scare you." When Amanda hesitated, Olivia patted the fabric once more, breathing deeply. "Please. It's okay."

She obliged, taking a hesitant seat, before pivoting her body towards Olivia. Whatever it was, stubborn-as-fuck Rollins knew she could take it. "What are you not wanting to tell me?"

"Alex is a highly-skilled prosecutor," Olivia prefaced, "but Buchanan went in hard, and it was…painful to watch." The brunette couldn't get it out of her head—the sound of Patton's gentlemanly drawl, the way he expressed pity in regard to Amanda, claimed to respect her, maintained that he'd never hurt her. It was quite frankly enough to make the woman vomit. The only mercy may very well have been that her fiancée hadn't been present in court to witness it. Still, Olivia didn't see herself getting over the atrocious lies of Buchanan's defense any time soon. She knew his arrogant grin and his haughty bellow would haunt her dreams.

"Well, how did the screenshot go over?" Amanda tried, noting that Olivia seemed down and hoping the good news would calm them both. "It was smart of Alex to think of that. I didn't remember takin' the screenshot. I thought I typed the address out." Amanda recalled less of what had happened that day than her detailed courtroom testimony would imply. There were some events, harrowing moments, that she remembered in their excruciatingly vivid entirety, but other flashes of time, like her decision to save the address Patton had provided her with, existed only in vague dream-like snippets, as if she'd been removed from her body and was watching one of her cop shows from the living room couch. Amanda always wondered if there were police procedurals in "cop show land." Maybe there were. She also wondered if she'd known as she did it that the screenshot she took of the messages between herself and her former superior also contained proof of Patton's threat, or if she just figured it would be quicker than manually entering a full address into an email draft. Was she even thinking in the seconds between replying to the Deputy Chief's messages and throwing out her phone? Did her body just know what to do? Had she been preparing for that moment her entire life?

Olivia offered the younger woman a sad smile and a small nod, pressing the fingers of her right hand into Amanda's thigh in a gesture of comfort and pride. "I think that screenshot might have won Alex the case. Summations are tomorrow morning."

"Oh, good." Amanda was relieved, but she was confused about why her fiancée clearly didn't feel the same way. Was she angry about Buchanan's allegation that the blonde had only accused Patton in order to save their relationship? Was there a part of the older detective that thought whatever story the defense attorney had come up with had some merit? "I don't understand why you're so upset, honey. You said Alex made a really good case. It sounds like she was able to continue that in cross." Amanda had been feeling helpless and defeated all day, resigned to having no further control over the outcome of the case, her case. But now, a small but stubborn fire had been lit in the center of her chest, as evidenced by the quickening of the panicked beat, almost like her heart was being pursued by an attacker, and each thump was an attempt to outrun the would-be assailant. Her breath caught in her throat as she asked, "Baby, am I missin' something?"

"No, you're not missing anything, sweetheart," Liv promised, brushing her fingers across Amanda's cheek. The last thing the brunette wanted to do was scare the woman she loved, but she had also vowed to be honest with her. God, the least of what Amanda deserved—after being put through so much at the hands of unrestrained malintent—was the truth. "I hated every moment of today," Olivia lamented, her lip quivering, "and I'm just trying to make some sense of it. Buchanan tried this bullshit defense, saying that you pursued Patton, and then after you had sex, you attacked him because you were angry."

Amanda noticed that this story didn't appropriately address each component of the prosecution's theory of the crime. "And the pancuronium?"

The older woman shrugged, shaking her head. "Self-defense."

"That's ridiculous." Amanda interlaced her fingers with Olivia's, bringing their joined hands to her lips before dropping them into her lap. "Is the jury buyin' it?"

"God, I hope not." Liv rubbed at her tired eyes, standing up and pulling Amanda with her into the kitchen. As the two women were speaking, it had hit her exactly how hungry she was. As the brunette opened the refrigerator, she peaked her head out to look at her fiancée. "Have you eaten?"

Amanda shook her head. "Not hungry."

Benson nodded, deciding to let it go as she put some left-over pasta into the microwave. The offending beep that indicated Liv's food was hot broke the silence between them as the older detective foraged for a clean fork. "What I can say is during Alex's cross examination of Patton, I almost stood up and clapped. She got him to admit there was no way what happened was consensual."

"He said that?" She leaned against the counter across from Olivia. Amanda figured there was no way Patton would ever confess to raping her, no matter how backed into a corner he felt. The man genuinely felt entitled to her body, like he owned a part of her, something that the blonde had in the past become accustomed to. Amanda vaguely remembered what it was like to be someone's possession, an experience that went back to her childhood, but being with Olivia had all but erased her instinct to let people treat her like dirt. Patton stole the eraser right out of Liv's hand though, and he was proud of it. He didn't believe he raped Amanda because there was no such thing as raping Amanda. He would never claim otherwise.

The brunette swallowed a bite of lukewarm spaghetti, washing it down with water, before turning with the container to face Amanda. "He refused to answer. Any juror with a high school diploma should be able to figure that out. That moment was the only thing that made this day bearable. I wanted to give Alex a hug."

Amanda considered Olivia's words for a moment. "I thought once a defendant chooses to testify, they can't plead the fifth. That was incredibly stupid of him to try, and it was irresponsible of Buchanan to not make sure his client was aware of the rules. Unless of course Buchanan advised him to try it as a Hail Mary, which—though ballsy, is still so stupid."

"Hmm, you are correct, counselor," Liv mused with a smirk at the law nerd in front of her. "Alex forced him to answer, and it was beautiful." The brunette was generally anti-violence in all its forms. Of course she recognized the need for self defense and why deadly force might be called for to protect civilians, but as a rule, Olivia objected to cruelty for cruelty's sake. She couldn't think of another time in her life when watching a human being having all choice taken away had been pleasing to her. She didn't like the way the situation made her feel—satisfied because God, how poetic was this justice, but also guilty because this wasn't who the detective was.

"What did he say?" Amanda tapped her foot anxiously. The younger woman constantly heard the words Patton had said to her on loop, and she hoped maybe her brain would now be able to play a different tune.

Olivia lifted a hand in order to form air-quotes. "That the text you sent to him wasn't 'particularly' enthusiastic."

"Oh my God." Amanda covered her mouth with her hand. She didn't believe this could ever happen. Whether the admission would prove to be productive as it pertained to the trial still remained to be seen. The blonde knew New York had yet to employ affirmative consent language in its sex crime statutes, but hearing that Patton admitted out loud at least a tiny portion of what he did to her was strangely validating. "Alex made him say that?"

"Uh huh. He also looked like he was about to have a panic attack, so…" Olivia took another bite of food, chewing as she waited for Amanda to respond.

"Really?"

Olivia nodded, swallowing. "Serves him right, too, after everything they were trying to say about you."

"I imagine not too many nice things were said about me, huh?" the blonde assumed, coming to stand next to Olivia and leaning into her.

Liv swirled the last of the spaghetti around her fork and disposed of the container, wrapping an arm around her fiancée as she chewed. After swallowing, she turned her full attention to Amanda, pressing a kiss into her hair. "Buchanan threw every defense he could think of at the wall, just to see what would stick. But, love?"

Amanda looked up, humming at the sensation of the brunette running her fingers through her hair. "Yeah?"

"I want you to know that I don't believe any of it. Okay?" The younger detective nodded, burying her face into Olivia's shirt. "I believe you. And I love you."

"I love you too," the blonde mumbled, wrapping both arms around Olivia. "Thank you for being here with me through all this."

"With you is exactly where I want to be."

Amanda lifted her head and met Olivia's lips in a slow kiss. She tasted marinara sauce on her, and the blonde smiled after, resting her forehead against her fiancée's. The older woman bumped her nose affectionately against Amanda's. "What are you doing home so early anyway?"

The detective sighed. She'd been waiting for this question, but it had taken Olivia longer than she'd anticipated to ask it. "Munch sent me home 'cause I wasn't bein' very productive. Cragen backed him up."

Olivia raised an eyebrow. "Were they nice about it at least?"

"Oh yeah," she stressed, "everyone is always so nice to fragile Rollins these days. Captain even made it a request and not an order. How considerate of him," she finished sarcastically, rolling her eyes as she pulled away from Olivia.

The brunette was still stuck on the fact that her fiancée was sent home at all. "Did something happen that made it hard to focus, a difficult case or…?"

Amanda shook her head, exhaling audibly. "Remember how you told me that you didn't need the details, you just needed to know that I'm struggling?" Liv nodded with a concerned expression, reaching out to squeeze the other woman's upper arm. "Well, I'm strugglin' today," she breathed, sucking her lower lip between her teeth.

Olivia carefully pulled the blonde into her chest, holding the back of her head with a loving hand. "What can I do?" she cooed, allowing her fingers to massage the woman's scalp.

Rollins mumbled into Liv's shoulder. "Will you sit with me while I take a bath?"

Olivia hesitated, gingerly stepping back to get a good look at the younger woman's eyes. "Are you going to be comfortable with that?"

Amanda squinted in speculation, brushing her knuckles up and down Olivia's cheek. "Yeah, babe, it's just you."

The older cop nodded, but her expression was uncertain. "You sure?"

The blonde tilted her head to the side, dropping her hand off her fiancée's face. How many times was Olivia going to check? Was she unwilling to sit on the ground next to her while she bathed? Was she trying to get out of it? "Are you sure? If you don't want to—"

Liv interrupted. "I do, I do want to." She rested both hands on Amanda's shoulders, slowly running them down her arms before coming to a stop when she grasped each of the other woman's hands. "We just haven't gone that far yet, and I don't want you to feel pressured."

"I don't feel pressured." Amanda shook her head. "I asked you to do this, remember? It was my idea."

The brunette smiled, releasing one of her fiancée's hands and pulling her towards the bedroom by the other. "Come on."

Before long, Amanda was settled in the bathtub, and Olivia was resting her chin and arm on the acrylic lip. "Do you want me to wash your hair?" Olivia asked softly, reaching to pull some blonde hair behind Amanda's shoulder.

"I actually washed my hair earlier," she admitted. "I'm just wanting to sit in the warm water and be with you."

"Okay, love." Liv let her fingers delicately caress the skin over her collar bone, an area she'd exposed by moving her fiancée's hair out of the way.

"Thanks though," the younger woman added, tucking her chin to kiss the brunette's hand.

Olivia hummed softly. "Of course."

When Amanda looked up to meet the other detective's eyes, she felt a magnetic pull drawing her forward. She watched Olivia be overtaken by the same invisible force, her tongue protruding slightly beyond her lips instinctually in order to moisturize them. When their foreheads met, the younger detective tangled her fingers into Liv's hair, and when her lips brushed against the other woman's, an audible sigh escaped the blonde, the vibration of it shooting through Olivia's body and arriving at her core, making a warm home between her legs.

Almost six months.

It had been almost six months since they had been together like this. Sure, they had kissed in affectionate greetings and hesitant farewells, each pair of lips teasing the other because both women knew it wouldn't go anywhere. Just hello and goodbye—the touch never lingered.

Olivia would always be the first to pull away, a sad smile forming on her lips as she let her fingers delicately trace the soft skin of Amanda's face, a gentle declaration of love floating in the air. The words she said were "I love you", but what she really meant was always "I'm sorry."

I'm sorry we can't go further.

I'm sorry you're hurting.

I'm sorry you're not ready.

I'm sorry—I want to connect, but we just can't.

It wouldn't be the right thing to do.

A relieved moan ripped through Amanda's throat when she felt Olivia respond to her touch, meeting the intensity of her movements with equal fervor. What had started as a chaste moment of connection had turned into a frenzied makeout session, but the blonde wasn't complaining. Water from the bathtub splashed onto the floor as they kissed, the brunette scarcely aware of her socks becoming saturated. Amanda shifted to be closer to Olivia, sitting up on her knees and letting pruny fingers wander down her back and grip onto the hem of the shirt she was wearing, before attempting to pull it fully off of her.

This was heaven. This was the light Amanda had been searching for.

Suddenly and without warning, the older woman's body went rigid against her and she stopped responding altogether, Amanda's chest becoming tight at the thought of her light being snuffed out so quickly. She watched intently as the brunette grimaced, releasing the other woman's lips with a regretful inhale.

"My love," Olivia whispered after she'd retreated, barely an inch separating the women as a pained expression marred her beautiful features for a moment, "this is not a good idea."

The blonde pulled further back, keeping one arm looped around the older woman's neck, refusing to acquiesce in Olivia's unilateral decision to end the contact. "What do you mean, this isn't a good idea?"

Liv gestured vaguely between them with her free hand, exhaling awkwardly in a small grunt. "You said you're already having a hard time today."

Amanda's facial expression changed immediately, a hopeful desire giving way to rejection and defeat for a short time, and then a stone-faced stoicism took over, and the younger of the two women stood up abruptly, wrapping a towel around her nude form and stomping back into the bedroom, leaving Olivia confused and soaked on the floor. "It's okay. You clearly don't want me anymore." Of course Olivia wasn't attracted to her anymore, didn't want to touch her, hardly wanted to look at her. How could Amanda have allowed herself to be stupid enough to believe otherwise? She was damaged goods, and not even the least judgmental person on the planet would be able to get past that.

"Wait, hold on, 'Manda," the brunette begged upon realizing what had happened. She used the lip of the bathtub for support as she pulled herself slowly to her feet, and then she followed her fiancée out of the bathroom, wet socks rubbing uncomfortably against the carpet. "Let's get back on the same page. What Patton said to you, baby, it's not true."

When the other woman turned back around, her cheeks were stained with tears, and she struggled to hold up the thin towel covering every inch of scarred vulnerability. Amanda felt utterly exposed, and she'd never felt so foolish in her entire life. It wasn't Olivia's fault. No one could love her now. But she didn't appreciate the insult to her intelligence in the form of her fiancée pretending Patton's words to her didn't have at least some accuracy to them. "How?"

Olivia's head tipped to the side, sympathy evident on her face. "How what, sweetheart?"

"How do you love me?" Amanda was sobbing now, her questions coming out in breathless screeches as her cheeks grew redder by the second. Benson recognized this as a bodily response to the woman not breathing adequately. "How do you want me? After what he did to me? I'm disgusting, Olivia." The brunette's reaction to her advances in the bathtub only confirmed what Amanda had already known, but it didn't make it any easier. She'd figured it wouldn't be as painful if she coaxed the woman to admit she not longer wanted her, but she was wrong. It still hurt so much.

"Hey, no." Olivia gave into her urge to approach the other woman, reaching out carefully but firmly to grab ahold of her shoulders. "No, no, no, no, no." She didn't feel like she'd ever say the word enough times to get her point across. "Don't talk about my incredible fiancée like that. I love you, Amanda."

The blonde inhaled sharply, shaking her head. Olivia was being insistent, and she'd never overtly lied to her before, but she just couldn't convince herself she was being truthful. "I'm just not feeling that right now."

"Because I turned down sex?" Liv dropped both of her hands, the look Amanda gave her providing all the information she needed. Tears were still consistently flowing out of her eyes, and her cheeks, though improving, were still an unnatural color. Shame washed over her face in response to the brunette's question, and she tightly clenched her eyelids together, reaching after a moment to conceal them completely from her fiancée's view. "My love," the older woman sighed, her voice breaking. Amanda hated it when Olivia did this, when the emotions she felt influenced her breath as she spoke. It made her feel so guilty because she knew that her words were hurting the most amazing woman she'd ever had the honor of knowing.

Still, as she opened her eyes in response to the term of endearment, delivered so softy, as if the words would break her, Rollins melted against her own will. "I did that because you're in a vulnerable place right now, not because I don't want you. Was this whole thing a test to see if I'm still attracted to you? The bath and everything?"

The blonde winced at the feeling of being so completely and thoroughly understood. "You weren't at least a little tempted?"

Olivia swallowed hard, wiping at her eyes in an attempt to hide the darkening of her pupils. "Sweetheart, answering that question in this moment wouldn't be productive."

"What would be productive, baby? Joinin' a convent? You sure seem off-put at the idea of havin' sex with me."

Though she'd previously backed off, Olivia stepped towards the woman she loved again, searching for anything in her face that would give away her desire for space, and finding nothing, she reached out and smoothed the blonde's hair and then brought her fingers around to wipe away some residual tears. "Amanda, what I'm off-put at is the idea of taking advantage of you. Look at me, sweetheart," she added when she witnessed heavy downcast eyes avoiding her meaningful gaze. "I love you. And I want us to rebuild our sexual relationship. But slowly and with care. We have to give this the time it deserves. The time you deserve."

Through all of this, Amanda's subconscious still knew the truth. Deep down, she felt the love the other woman was sending her way, and she was highly aware that it was more than reasonable for Olivia to refuse to engage in any sexual contact minutes after being told that her fiancée was struggling. So, now, in addition to worthless, foolish, and expendable, she felt downright dumb for reacting the way she did. "I figured you wouldn't turn me down if you wanted me. I know that's not logical. I mean you're you. You're respecting me by realizing I can't consent right now. But why do I still feel so dirty?"

Olivia continued to let her fingers lazily move across Amanda's face, hair, shoulders, arms. "Is this because of testifying?"

She inhaled deeply, conceding the truth with a dejected nod. "I hadn't thought about those words in months, Liv. But now I can't stop." She inhaled shakily before giving in to the emotions she'd been in constant battle with since her time on the stand. "I've been doin' so good," she wept, reaching out for Olivia, her towel falling to the floor with no hands to hold it to wet skin.

Liv decided not to question how she should respond in that moment. Amanda was clearly asking for comfort, and it didn't seem appropriate to waste any time at all by asking if the blonde was okay with something she was obviously requesting. "Hey. Hey, come here, my sweet." One hand tangled in damp hair and the other rested on her bare back, drawing wide circles as she spoke. "I've got you. Just breathe," she reminded, beginning to rock the woman from side to side. This was par for the course, Olivia told herself. Testifying could often be triggering for victims. She couldn't stop the bile rising in her throat as she referred to Amanda as a victim in her own mind. It was something even she needed to work on accepting. "The trial was bound to bring these things up, love. It's okay. Healing isn't linear."

"I get so mean to you when I feel insecure," Amanda muttered into Liv's now soaked blouse. "I hate it."

"Baby," the older detective breathed, wanting desperately to express to Amanda that she didn't need to ruminate over yet another perceived failure, "feeling bad about feeling bad isn't going to make you feel good. You got defensive. It's an understandable response to fear." When she pulled her head away from her fiancée's shoulder, Olivia cradled her face with two careful hands. "We'll work on it, but try not to be so hard on yourself."

"Can I ask for something weird?" Amanda questioned after a moment, letting Olivia press her lips below each of her swollen eyelids.

Benson nodded. "You can ask for anything you need, sweetheart."

"It's less than sex, but it's more than this," Amanda disclaimed, pulling Liv's hands from her face and letting them swing between the two women.

"Oh?"

Amanda knew the worst that could happen was a gentle—and valid—no, but she still hesitated to make her request. "Can you take off your clothes, and can we just hold each other? I miss skin to skin contact."

The blonde held her breath as Olivia dutifully considered her options. The older woman knew Amanda was already naked in her arms, and she didn't seem to be bothered at all. At this point, it looked like she wanted to feel loved and wanted, and her desire for closeness wasn't so much about sex as it had been earlier. Liv also knew that either of them could pump the brakes at any point. She wasn't committing to anything other than a few minutes of physical intimacy. Surely, they could both handle that. "Of course we can do that. That sounds amazing."

The two women settled together under the covers, holding each other close and reveling in the warmth of the contact. Amanda's head was nuzzled underneath her fiancée's chin, and she inhaled deeply, savoring the moment, before looking up at the brunette. "Can I kiss you?"

"Yes," she agreed, adding, "but 'Manda?"

She raised an eyebrow. "Yeah?" What kind of conditions applied to kissing?

"Just a kiss for now," Olivia said, cupping Amanda's cheek with her hand. "I'm not comfortable with anything else yet."

Oh. The kind of conditions that applied to a survivor navigating reclaiming sex in their relationship. Those kind of conditions. "Of course," the blonde replied obviously, pulling Liv even closer to her. "You deserve to feel safe too."

Olivia smiled softly, bringing their foreheads together before letting her lips delicately caress the other woman's. She felt safe kissing her fiancée like this because she had verbally set a stopping point, and each woman knew their role in keeping to it. She missed this intimacy as much as Amanda did, and she regretted not making sure the blonde still felt wanted, but she knew the other woman extremely well, and one of her few flaws was a propensity for being impulsive, for rushing into things before fully considering the consequences. This was great for spontaneous date night or innovation in busting perps, but it didn't go over so well where her safety was concerned. Limiting how far they went physically was the best thing to do right now, but both detectives still hated it. And more, Olivia was acutely aware that she needed to be the one to set the boundaries because Amanda, in a desperate moment, would likely just throw caution to the wind and hope for the best.

"None of this is because I don't want to," the brunette explained breathlessly after Amanda had ended the kiss.

"I know that. On any other day, I wouldn't have even questioned it. I was just feeling insecure and didn't quite know how to ask you about it."

Olivia nodded, bringing the hand that had remained on her fiancee's cheek down her neck, over her shoulder, and around to rest on the small of her back, nimble fingers pressing into tense flesh. "I can imagine this would feel pretty impossible to talk about sometimes. I just want you to be in a place where you can more times than not tell me these things before we try to take it any further."

"That makes perfect sense," Amanda acknowledged, humming at the pleasant feeling of being so close to Olivia after so long. "I mean, I'm not ready yet and I know that. It's just hard because I do feel okay most of the time these days. And I think I might be ready soon, with the right intention and plan."

"Let's get through the rest of the trial first," the brunette proposed, pulling the other woman even closer so that their bodies were flush against each other. "We have summations tomorrow and possibly a verdict. And then maybe a victim impact or allocution statement and sentencing after that. But then it's something we absolutely can start planning for, along with the wedding, okay?"

Rollins smiled at the thought of that, "the wedding", something to look forward to. Olivia had always been an expert at making her feel loved, but the reminder that after everything, she still wanted to call the blonde her wife—well, that was supremely convincing. "Okay," she purred, before letting her lips dance across the older woman's bare collarbone. She pulled back after a moment, realizing they hadn't discussed this. "Sorry," she apologized, her face reddening.

"Oh, baby, you're fine." Olivia's hand patted her back reassuringly. "I would tell you to stop if it wasn't okay."

The blonde nodded, sufficiently appeased that she hadn't done anything wrong, and a comfortable silence settled over the two detectives, hands wandering aimlessly and lips caressing lazily. Olivia broke their reverie after a few minutes, noting that it was getting late and they needed a plan for the next day. "Do you want to come tomorrow and be there for summations? I know you couldn't be there before you testified, and I'm honestly glad you weren't there today, but tomorrow might be a good idea. To be there for closing arguments and maybe a verdict."

"I do want to come, but…"

Benson lightly nudged the younger woman's chin, encouraging her to make eye contact as they spoke. "But what, my love?"

"What if they don't return a guilty verdict? I know he'll come after me again."

Olivia wrapped both arms around Amanda, rolling them so the blonde was practically on top of her as she soothed the woman who was struggling not to cry again. "I won't let that happen. Amanda, I will die before I let that man lay even a finger on you ever again. Ever."

Amanda sighed, burying her face into the embrace they'd created. "That's not comforting, honey. If he did to you what he did to me, I think I'd lose it. I'd never forgive myself."

"Well, we're not going to have to worry about that, okay?" she assured, sounding less convinced than she'd hoped she would. "This jury is not dumb. They won't fall for Buchanan's nonsense."

"Juries fall for his nonsense all the time."

"Not this time, 'Manda." Olivia pressed her lips into Amanda's hair, squeezing her tightly, and willing her words to be true. She'd never prayed like this before.

"So help me God."

A/N: If you celebrate Passover or Easter, I hope you had a happy and safe holiday!

Next chapter is the conclusion of the trial. Would love to know what you expect to/want to see happen. Thanks again for reading, and I appreciate reading every comment.

-Gabby