In the First Degree
Sentencing Part 2
A/N: Thank you so much for your comments and follows! I really appreciate all of you! Please feel free to drop a comment and let me know what you like about this story or any other thoughts you may have. If you would like to connect via social media, my Instagram/twitter is faceinbud.
I hope everyone is still safe and healthy! We get through this together by staying apart.
Explicit sexual content in this chapter. I didn't get as many reviews/comments as usual on the last chapter, and I'm just wanting to make sure people are still liking this story. So please if you can, leave a quick review and let me know your thoughts. Even a thumbs up or a smiley face means the world to me! Anyway, enjoy this sixteen-page erotic novella.
I need to add both a disclaimer that I do not own SVU or its characters and a TRIGGER WARNING to anyone who is especially sensitive to the subject of sexual assault. ANGST TO COME!
Amanda swallowed hard into the kiss as she felt Olivia's thumb come to rest against the hollow of her throat, and she used both hands to guide the other woman's face even closer to her own. The blonde could hardly believe this was happening, something she'd been waiting and working for over the course of several months. And God, how good it felt to know that her fiancée wasn't going to suddenly pull away without warning, insisting they wait another week, another month, another year, forever.
The younger woman welcomed the aching warmth that shot through her core and made her legs wobble in need. She'd forgotten what Olivia could do to her with only a kiss—the brunette's lips served as her kryptonite. She felt herself gradually melt into the touch, and though she wasn't in total control of how her body responded to the heavenly sensations, being wrapped up in Olivia's arms was the ultimate safety blanket. The more experienced detective was an expert at providing both comforting and arousing stimulation at the same time, one hand rubbing snail-paced lines up and down Amanda's back in an effort to keep her muscles relaxed and the other gripping hungrily onto her face as she held their mouths together, tongues languidly dancing around one another.
Olivia was about to pull away from the embrace in order to give the blonde a breather and check in with her, but her efforts were thwarted by a hungry moan and a tighter grip on Amanda's part, as if the other woman had known what the brunette had intended to do and decided to protest. It was a wordless "Stay", and it urged Benson on.
The older woman drank in her love's expression of pleasure, smiling to herself at how comfortable she seemed. Though the two cops had only been together for six months prior to Amanda's assault, they had established a fairly healthy sexual relationship, and they were often ravenous for one another. Throughout the beginning of her journey back to wholeness, Olivia hadn't allowed herself to miss the feel of Amanda's lips, of her tongue, of her delicate but purposeful fingers. She hadn't let herself long for the touch on her skin, all around her, inside her. It would have been too painful, and she was sure the guilt would have swallowed her soon after. Amanda was alive, and that was enough to be grateful for.
Everything else with time, she always said. With time. But now that said time had come, the need hit her with such force, she didn't know how she'd ever be satiated again. The way Amanda moved against her was intoxicating, and she could have stayed there in that moment for the rest of her life. She'd miss absolutely nothing, as long as she had this incredible creature in her arms. The detective reminded herself to remain alert, to stay vigilant to potential changes in Amanda's body language, to anything that would suggest the blonde was beginning to feel unsafe. But in this instant, as Olivia surrendered to the irresistible contact, she found no hesitation whatsoever, a sigh of relief escaping her through a breathy exhale.
Amanda's fingers tangled deeply into brown tresses, holding on for dear life. God, she never wanted to let go. She became acutely aware of the weakness in her lower appendages when the strong arm that had been previously enticing tense muscles to unknot from involuntary contraction changed course to wrap securely around her waist in support. Oh, Amanda noticed. Her legs were trembling, and she was likely seconds away from collapsing.
Too much of a good thing, perhaps. She couldn't prevent the breathless whine that escaped her lips when Olivia pulled just far enough away to be capable of using her voice, two foreheads coming together in sweaty intimacy. "I'm okay, Liv," Rollins weakly insisted, her larynx not cooperating with her desperate attempt to stop Olivia from suggesting they take a break.
"I know, baby," Liv purred in response, allowing her fingers to whisper down the nape of her panting fiancée's neck, before slowly bringing the hand down to join the other in giving support to the small of Amanda's back. "Standing just beyond the doorway while we do this might not be such a good idea though," she advised with a light-hearted smile, pressing a chaste kiss to a pale shoulder.
Amanda let her lips caress a brunette head, chuckling gently as her breathing slowed. She had completely forgotten where they were, the apartment and the world around them—police sirens, car alarms, the hustle and bustle of a busy Manhattan evening—disappearing completely, leaving the two women floating alone in blissful air. "Bedroom?" she suggested as two pairs of cloudy eyes met once again.
Olivia offered a small nod, and then she rested her chin on the blonde's heaving shoulder, inviting her to share in a moment of embrace. The younger of the two women hummed as she returned the gesture, so thankful to be this close to the woman who had saved her life. On the surface, it felt like an exaggeration. Dramatic Mandy Jo, her mother would have chastised. But deeply and truly, Amanda knew it was the God's honest truth. It was Liv's faith in her that had led her to insubordination of Cragen's command. Who knows how much longer she would have lasted—
No. Today wasn't about what-ifs and who-knows.
Today was about justice. It was about healing and connection and love. Because Amanda was safe.
Amanda was safe.
A giddy flutter began in her heart as Benson lovingly led her into their bedroom. The door closed with a small click before both women stood silently in awe of the other for a few sacred moments. The blonde thanked her lucky stars that the broken road she'd traveled her entire life had led to Olivia Benson, the one person who had ever made her feel worthy of compassion, respect, and care. Liv, for her part, couldn't help but acknowledge the miracle of her fiancée's very existence. After how close she'd come to losing the love of her life, every thump of her pulse, every warm breath as their mouths moved together in a practiced duet, every soft laugh or gratified moan—it was all a gift.
They would never take this for granted again.
It was Amanda who released a hearty chuckle first, causing the older woman to react in kind, biting her lip as she stepped closer to the other detective. "Did we forget how to have sex?" the blushing blonde inquired, running her right hand over Olivia's shoulder and down her upper arm.
"I don't think so," she replied with another deep laugh, encircling her fiancée's neck with both arms. "I think we both just know how significant this is."
Amanda nodded. "I don't want you to feel pressure to make this special. It's already special," she promised, fingering the bottom of the other woman's blouse. Olivia sighed with a small smile. Amanda knew her so, so well. "So, let's just enjoy bein' together and see what happens," she finished with a small shrug. "Yeah?"
The brunette hadn't realized how much she had riding on this evening until relief washed over her at her love's words. She'd wanted it to be perfect, romantic, something that Amanda would remember for the rest of her life. She wanted each measured stroke to be healing, every kiss to be a promise, a reminder of her love, so that Rollins would never again associate sexual contact with pain and danger. But this was a lot of responsibility for her to put on herself, and though she realized this fact, she couldn't absolve herself of it. Hearing Amanda's words went a long way as far as assurance that she was wasn't looking for a superhumanly healing touch here. Only connection with the woman she loved. And as they often told each other, they would take it second by second. "Yeah," came a soft agreement after a few seconds.
"Can I take care of you first?" Amanda murmured against Liv's mouth, their breath mingling together.
The older detective had been expecting this. The blonde so obviously wanted to take the next step, but there was a part of her that was always going to try and stall any attention being given to her. That was just the Amanda Rollins way. Even after a year of being with Olivia, she still wasn't quite comfortable with the idea of being showered with love and affection. "Mhm. As long as that's what you want," Benson whispered into a blushed ear just before peppering it with kisses.
"I do want," was her breathy answer as two shaky knees began to buckle at the feeling of the other woman's mouth working against her earlobe.
"I got you," the brunette vowed softly, scooping Amanda into her arms gingerly and then carefully lying her on their shared bed. Liv cuddled up next to her on top of the comforter, wrapping an arm around the trembling woman and coaxing a tense shoulder blade to relax. "Standing up too hard?" she questioned with a light chuckle, knowing the woman she loved had the propensity to become physically overwhelmed at too much sensation and often was unable to support herself in an upright position once things got intense.
The detective buried her face into Liv's chest, slightly embarrassed that she had lasted on her feet for less than five minutes, and she released a frustrated groan. "You're stallin', Benson."
"You're deflecting, Rollins," she countered teasingly, using her free hand to massage the woman's scalp. "Seriously though," she sobered after a few seconds, lifting the blonde's chin so she would meet a pair of concerned eyes. "Is it too much? Do you need to slow down?"
God, no. A vehement shake of her head got the point across. "I think my Bambi legs just needed a break," she joked absently, mesmerized by the facial features she was slowly tracing with a single digit. "I'm good, Liv," she drawled in conclusion. "More than good."
Sufficiently appeased, Olivia used the leverage she had gained on Rollins's chin to guide their lips back together, still squeezing against her shoulder. Amanda always held tension in her body, but the brunette wanted to remind her that she was safe through grounding, not overtly sexual touch.
Those lips would be the death of her, Amanda decided, but what a way to go. This time, in order to assure her love that she was more than okay with moving forward, she pulled the other woman closer, letting her tongue beg for entrance into Olivia's mouth, moaning happily when the permission was granted. The vibration of the sound shot fireworks right to the older woman's core, a vague throb starting in her clit, a reminder of the desire she'd been resisting for the past several months. "I love you," she panted into Amanda's mouth, letting her fingernails ghost down her ribcage.
"I love you too," came the blonde's heated reply, her own relentless fingers traveling under Olivia's blouse, the raising of her eyebrows serving as a request to free her of the clothing preventing Amanda from fully exploring the body she missed so much.
A quick nod was all she needed to lift the garment up and over Liv's head in one practiced motion. She gazed at the swells of each breast, the cups of a beige bra the only thing keeping Amanda from her intended destination. "I love you," she repeated, this time reverently. "God, I love you." A single tear fell from her right eye as the emotion she was feeling became too intense for her body to take.
Liv jumped instantly into action, sitting up fully on her knees to meet thoughtful blue eyes. "What happened, sweetheart? Is something wrong? Tell me, let me help you," she begged desperately.
"No, baby." Amanda shook her head in realization that the sight of her crying could potentially be concerning. She quickly unbuttoned her own shirt, pulling it off over her arms as Liv looked on with some confusion. She reached up to wipe away the lone tear before claiming Olivia's hand in hers and placing it over her heart, allowing her to feel the rapid but steady beating of the healthy muscle below the touch. "I'm—I'm happy. I'm so happy."
Amanda was happy crying. Liv had never seen her happy cry before, but it was exquisitely breathtaking, a peace settling over her features that the brunette couldn't help but marvel at. How strong, how beautiful was the woman who lied next to her. "I'm sorry I scared you, baby," the blonde apologized, the blush on her cheeks reddening further. "I just couldn't hold it in anymore."
"Hey, don't be sorry," Liv gently commanded, pulling Amanda back up into a sitting position and letting their near-bare upper bodies collide. "I never want you to hold it in. It's okay to be emotional," she assured the woman who still fought to prevent a deluge of tears from falling over the precipice of her eyelids. "I'm emotional too." A quivering lip and shaky voice provided evidence to support the detective's claim. "I'm just going to have to check that you're okay. At least for now."
Amanda nodded against the older woman's forehead, letting a few salty droplets escape her tear ducts. As she had reminded Benson many times before, the brunette had also survived an awful trauma, and being impossibly careful when handling the other detective is how she was currently coping. Both women knew that sex wouldn't be this high stakes forever, but for the moment, the younger of the two wanted Olivia to feel just as safe as she did, and if she needed to question her tears, then that was okay. It was okay to just be, to be in the moment, to accept themselves for where they were in the healing journey, and to take it one second at a time. The next word to leave through Amanda's lips was a whisper. "Bra?"
Both women giggled through the remnants of their tears, taking turns wiping wet streaks from the other's soft features. Olivia nodded, reaching behind her to unclasp the offending item of clothing and toss it out of their way while Amanda did the same. The younger woman gently guided Liv back down onto the bed before straddling her hips in reminder that they'd agreed to go about things in this order. She planted a chaste kiss on her cheek before attaching her lips to Olivia's pulse point, feeling the thumping accelerate along with the pressure she provided. A low hum reverberated through Benson's throat, spurring Amanda on as both hands found two erect nipples. "This okay?" the blonde asked against Olivia's collarbone, continuing her ministrations with her hands and mouth after receiving an enthusiastic nod.
A pair of pink lips travelled to take over for expert hands, as her fingers made quick work of the button and zipper of Olivia's slacks. Amanda rolled to the side to give the other woman the room she needed to take off her remaining clothing, but then the blonde quickly returned to her position on top of her fiancée, feeling toned abdominal muscles ripple under the constant ministrations of Amanda's mouth as her fingernails covered the distance from the soft globes atop Olivia's chest to the firmer globes of her ass. Amanda continued the rhythmic squeezing as she scooted even lower on the bed, pressing her lips to olive skin mere centimeters before pubic hair began. She looked up her fiancée's face for a moment, smiling to herself at the sweat collecting on her furrowed brow. "Can I?" she asked, moving a hand around to squeeze a subtly rocking hip.
A poorly concealed whimper along with shaky fingers weakly moving towards Amanda was the only response Olivia was capable of giving in that moment. "I'll take that as a yes?" the blonde teased, trailing one finger through damp curls at a frustratingly slow speed.
The older woman's breath came in staccato beats. "A-man-da."
Amanda made sure to maintain eye contact with the desperate woman above her as she slowly but intentionally flattened her tongue against dripping folds, humming at the taste and feel of her. Heaven. A guttural moan ripped through Olivia's throat at the contact with such force that the younger detective could feel it vibrate through her mouth.
Not wanting to force her fiancée's face into her body, Olivia feebly grappled for purchase against the sheets with both sets of fingers, holding tightly and willing herself not to thrust into Amanda's mouth. It was safer for the younger of the two to be in control, but the brunette needed more friction, and she was willing to bet that the other woman already knew that.
"You can hold me," Amanda invited, releasing sensitive flesh with a pop, and lying her hand over one of Olivia's, coaxing her to release the sheet she was holding onto for dear life. "Seriously," she laughed when Liv didn't open her eyes and instead held tighter to the fabric below her fingers. "Open your eyes, baby. Look at me." Amanda gazed into darkened pupils, lightly stroking wet folds with two fingertips. "You don't have to hold back, Olivia," the blonde assured, peppering kisses to the skin below her. "I'll tap you like this," she suggested, delivering a series of light taps to the hip she had been squeezing, "if I need you to let go, okay?"
"Okay," Benson croaked. Her mouth was dry, and she was already unbelievably worked up due to Amanda's expertly gentle touch. "If you're sure?"
The younger woman nuzzled Liv's inner thigh with her nose, pressing a kiss to her apex. "Relax, baby," she coached. "I wouldn't offer if I didn't want you to do it."
Olivia reached with both hands to pull tousled hair out of her love's face, giving her a small nod as permission for the smiling blonde to continue, which she did eagerly, wasting no time before delicately pulling the other woman's clit between her lips, sucking with measured intensity as she brought two fingertips to the brunette's entrance, using the wetness that had pooled there to lubricate the two digits. A meaningful jerk of fingers in her hair urged Amanda to follow through, gently pushing cold fingers into breathtaking warmth. The younger detective felt, rather than saw, the stunning woman arch into the touch, a deep "Oh" vibrating through her voice box. After giving her a few moments to adjust, Amanda resumed her movements against hot flesh, combining the careful, warm touch of her lips and tongue with the much more forceful thrusts of her fingers, something she knew always drove Olivia crazy.
Amanda was delighting in the feeling of strong muscles beginning to tighten around her fingers when Olivia's hands moved to blindly grasp her face, pulling lightly. "Come back up here," she demanded with some effort, wincing as the friction against her clit ceased. As the blonde obeyed her fiancée's command, she made sure to keep the fingers of her right hand buried inside the woman she loved. Olivia's body was home. It felt like the warmest of hugs.
As their lips connected once more, Amanda attempted to bring the fingers of her left hand back down to massage the brunette's clit, but Olivia's hand knocked them away, searching for more intimate contact between the two of them. "No, I got this part," Benson promised, interlacing the fingers of her left hand with Amanda's. "Can I hold your hand?" she requested, more as an afterthought.
Understanding what Liv was trying to accomplish, she smiled softly, pressing loving kisses into the fragile skin of her closed eyelids and resuming the movement of her fingers inside the older woman. "Teamwork," she observed with a light chuckle when her fingers collided with her love's speedy ones as they worked together to bring Olivia to the edge of blissful oblivion.
Suddenly, an appealing idea occurred to the blonde, and she carefully pulled her fingers from the depths of the love of her life's body, sliding completely off of her and casually reclining next to her now thrashing form.
"Why did you stop?" the woman questioned, stopping her own movements, worry worn evidently on her features as she lifted her head in newfound alertness. "You okay?"
"Oh, yeah," she grinned. "I just wanna watch for a few minutes." At her fiancée's flabbergasted expression, she reached to tickle the woman's collarbone. "You in a hurry? You got plans later?"
Olivia's head fell back dramatically onto the pillow below her, the throbbing in her core becoming more uncomfortable by the second. "Jesus Christ, 'Manda."
The mischievous smile on Amanda's lips reminded the brunette of a painful truth.
She used to be playful.
But instead of letting the threatening anger and sadness wash over her as it usually did, Olivia took a page from her smiling love's book and allowed herself to simply be grateful for the present moment. Amanda was asking for a show. And Amanda deserved whatever she asked for.
After a while, the desperate woman began to squirm on the bed. The fire blazing inside Olivia could only be put out by the touch of Amanda Rollins. She knew it would only get more unbearable if she continued to stimulate overwhelmed nerve endings herself. She needed the woman who looked at her with wide, glazed over eyes, whose only contributions to Olivia's hopeless masturbation were an occasional voicing of appreciation and teasing kisses to every inch of her face. Her touch, and hers alone, against the hot skin that begged for more, would be the brunette's only undoing. "'Manda," she whined, "can we roll credits on this movie please? I need you."
Amanda wasn't trying to tease her beautiful fiancée, though she was enjoying the sights and sounds of Olivia pleasuring herself. It's just it had been so long, and the blonde wanted to commit every moment to memory, wanted to savor the scrunch of Olivia's nose, the way her eyelids softly closed in concentration, the way goosebumps formed on her arms, and the way her breasts blushed to almost match rose-colored nipples. She just wanted to take it all in, every ounce of pleasure the woman she loved was experiencing. She wanted to witness it, using not only one sense but all five. And so she gave in to Olivia's frenzied request, gently swatting away a trembling hand with the sure strokes of her own knowing fingertips. "Okay, baby, okay," she relented, encouraging the woman next to her to stop her frantic movements. "Move your hand away, Olivia. I got you now, darlin'. Just relax."
The blonde turned her attention away from the pooling in her own underwear, shifting on the bed to get the best angle for bringing Olivia to unimaginable release. She squeezed her thighs together, stifling a groan at the long overdue touch she herself was craving. She shook her head internally. This moment was about Olivia. It was about giving her all that she deserved. She maintained the rhythm that Olivia had set against her pulsating clit as she straddled her thigh, careful not to let her clothed core come into contact with scorching skin. Rollins felt the brunette reach for her belt buckle in a feeble attempt to gain access to her body, and she gasped, instinctively stilling the hand against her lower abdomen. "Not yet," she breathed. "I need to focus."
"I'm so sorry." Olivia's face became even redder than before and guilt caused her racing heart to sink into her stomach. "I wasn't thinking."
Amanda leaned forward to kiss the frown off of her lips. "It's okay. Just not ready yet," she explained gently. "Let's take care of you, and then we can talk, hmm?"
Olivia smiled, letting now sticky fingers tangle into the hair of the bravest woman she'd ever met. The love she felt for Amanda was overflowing—she could feel the fire in her toes.
"You want both?" the blonde asked, leaving her thumb to tap against Liv's clit while gently circling the tight ring of muscles around her entrance with the rest of her fingers.
"Please."
Amanda rested her forehead on Olivia's shoulder, humming as the older woman's free hand began to rub her bare back again. "Your wish is my command."
As soon as she'd restarted her relentless stroking against Liv's inner walls, Amanda smiled at the sensation of the first pleasurable contractions Liv's body gave around her fingers. Olivia gripped onto her back and hair tightly, throwing her head harshly against the pillow in a way that granted the blonde better access to her neck. "There you go, baby," Amanda praised softly into her ear, nibbling gently as she continued to pull every last drop of ecstasy from the woman below her. "I love you."
Olivia didn't remember orgasm feeling like this. It always felt good, of course, but the release she was experiencing in these precious moments was like nothing she'd felt before, and it seemed to go on forever. She vaguely felt Amanda's fingers coaxing her muscles to continue to tighten rhythmically against her insistent digits, appreciating that she'd lifted her thumb off of her sensitive clit. Amanda remembered her body, that was for sure, and the payoff was astounding. "'Manda," she moaned in awe as her breathing began to slow, not daring to open her eyes in the unfortunate event that this was all a dream, a mind-numbing, heart-pounding, toe-curling dream.
"I'm here." She felt a pair of soft lips against the shell of her ear. "No rush," she cooed. "Let me know when you're ready for me to pull out." Olivia hadn't even noticed that Amanda's fingers were still knuckle-deep inside her until then, the digits milking the last aftershocks of pleasure from her body. She was still contracting down in response to the blonde's careful movements, a wave of satisfaction crashing over her body every few seconds.
Eventually, she was sated, the explosion of sensation in her body returning to a low hum. "I'm good," she murmured into Amanda's ear, pressing a kiss against her heated cheek. The blonde returned the affectionate gesture by letting her lips caress the other woman's collarbone as she slowly pulled her fingers from Olivia's warmth, offering one more kiss as her body shuddered in response to the new lack of fullness. "I love you," she breathed, strength beginning to return to her voice as Amanda rolled off of her, grabbing a tissue to wipe off her fingers before resting her head against Liv's chest.
"I love you too," she smiled, nuzzling her nose against Olivia's sweaty neck. "And I like listening to your heart too," she confessed.
"Is it still beating fast?" the brunette inquired, wrapping both arms around her fiancée.
Amanda smirked, knowing she was the cause of the steadily decelerating beat below her. "A little."
"How do you feel?" Benson asked after a few silent moments, her hand moving down her back and resting just above the belt she'd been attempting to remove earlier.
The blonde knew she was specifically referring to how she felt about continuing. "I'm not gonna lie to you, Liv, I'm still a little nervous. I just, I want to feel you because I still feel—" She stopped herself from continuing that thought with a small sigh. "I want you to be the last person who touched me. I want to remember your hands, your lips, your whispers." She didn't add the words "not his" because they weren't necessary. Both women knew the meaning was there.
"That's going to happen," Olivia guaranteed, "even if we wait a little while longer, love. I want to give that to you, and I will—today or next year. It doesn't matter to me. What we just did was incredible, and I loved watching you enjoy it, but—" She lifted the younger woman's chin in order to gaze into her trusting blue eyes. "—I'm not ready to keep going if you aren't."
"No, I know I'm ready." Physically so, she noted, because of the ever-increasing pressure building between her legs. Emotionally so, she added, because they'd prepared a trigger plan, and she'd never in her life felt as safe as she did when she was in Liv's arms. The detective's touch was practically spiritual for her, and their lovemaking had always gone beyond satisfying physical need, though it did that quite well. Time wasn't going to make this easier, Amanda decided. At this point, she knew Olivia's touch would be the assurance she needed that things would be okay. Worst case scenario, Amanda thought, talking herself up, I ask Liv to stop. I know she will. "Do you think it's okay if I'm still a little scared?"
"Can I tell you a secret?" Liv asked softly, waiting for Rollins's expectant nod before continuing. "I'm a little scared too."
Of course. Waves upon waves of realization struck Amanda as her love's words set in. Olivia's biggest fear was doing anything to frighten her fiancée or make her feel unsafe in any way. She nodded in understanding, sitting up and beginning to unbuckle her belt, pulling it through the loops of her pants. "Together," she repeated her earlier word, this time with no mischievous grin on her face. Her expression was solemn, meaningful, and she absorbed the significance of the moment as she breathed deeply. "We're in this together," she declared, a soft smile turning the corners of her lips upwards. They were both nervous, understandably so, but this could serve them. The vulnerability would facilitate a deeper level of connection between the two women. Because they were both scared, but they weren't afraid of each other.
"Together." Olivia tested the word on her tongue as she considered her next steps. Amanda seemed absolutely sure of what she wanted, and the brunette knew it was unreasonable to expect that the younger woman would have no fear about experiencing sexual intimacy again until they actually did it. So, she gave a small nod, reaching for the woman she loved. "You need help getting your clothes off?"
Again it was Olivia noticing her trembling that brought Amanda's attention to it. She chuckled, embarrassed at herself. "You must think I'm a total mess."
"Yeah," Liv agreed, sitting up for the first time since her powerful orgasm. "But you're my mess," she said affectionately. "Sit at the edge of the bed, and I'll come around and help."
Amanda dutifully did as she was asked, Olivia kneeling at her feet and helping her pull off her pants and underwear. She pressed a kiss to a shaky knee after a moment and then climbed back onto the bed, for only the second time in more than six months wrapping her arms around her love's naked form. "What's going to feel safest for you tonight?" she asked softly.
Amanda thought for a minute, boldly intertwining her legs with Olivia's. "I think I need you to talk to me."
"Okay. Well, I can use my hand like we talked about, and we can just go moment by moment. How does that sound?"
One second at a time.
"Good." Amanda pressed her lips against her fiancée's, cradling the back of her head with a desperate hand, pulling her close, closer still, eager to drink up the very essence of her. She'd never tire of this. And she, much like Olivia, hadn't given in to the urge to miss the loss of this type of intimacy before now. Lately, it had been hard to deny, but before then, she had much more pressing things to think about. The blonde, becoming aware of herself leaving the present moment, reminded herself to stay with Olivia, to be conscious of her tongue swirling against hers, to notice the vice grip against the nape of her neck, to deeply feel the grounding touch of the brunette's fingers against her back.
As they moved against each other, both women lying on their sides, the truth of what she needed became utterly obvious to Amanda, and she pulled away from Liv in a hurry. "I don't feel close enough to you."
Benson let herself think for a few moments as she caught her breath. Their bodies were connected by every possible point. What could Amanda be asking fo—Oh. "I don't know if we can be closer without me getting on top of you."
Amanda nodded. This is what she'd meant. "It's okay. I need it."
Olivia gingerly rolled on top of her fiancée, their chests becoming one as the brunette kept both eyes diligently on Amanda's face. Even when it was clear she'd completed the maneuver, the older woman was still holding the majority of her weight with her hands on either side of Amanda's head and her knees holding up her lower body like the kickstand of a bicycle, not allowing anything below her waist to touch her love's now vulnerable form. "Are you sure?"
"Yes, of course. That can't be comfortable. Hey, c'mere. It's okay," she promised. "I told you this wasn't a hard limit. You are gentle and soft, and you feel like you." The blonde allowed her eyes to bore into concerned, yet lustful chocolate orbs. "You're unmistakably you, Liv," she whispered, bringing the older woman's face closer to her own. Once Amanda had succeeded in coaxing Olivia to relax her body into a more natural position, the blonde tucked a strand of hair behind her fiancée's ear. "See? I'm fine. We're fine."
Olivia nodded, beginning to feel self-conscious. Why was she giving herself so many rules? "I won't always be this awkward," she vowed, chewing on her bottom lip.
"You're not awkward," Rollins swore, letting her fingers caress the wispy hairs on the nape of the brunette's neck. "You're my Olivia, and I love you for it."
"I love you too, and if you want me to, I want to show you just how much."
Amanda cradled the older woman's face with both hands, ensuring she could see the trust in her eyes. "That is absolutely what I want."
After a few more seconds of prolonged eye contact, Olivia quickly kissed the blonde's lips before moving on to the hollow of her throat. Amanda threw her head back in blessing, tangling her fingers into her fiancée's hair. She was grateful for the pace Liv was setting, the shifting of her legs against one another reminding her of the growing need at her core. "Please," she begged, her body stiffening.
Olivia hummed against her skin. "Shh," she cooed. "Just relax, sweetheart." She pressed open-mouth kisses into the woman's neglected collarbone, whispering words of adoration in between each delicate caress of her lips. "I've got you. Breathe and feel," she reminded gently, a purposeful hand moving up the blonde's side and dancing closer to her heaving chest.
Breathe and feel, Amanda repeated to herself. She was safe. She was loved. And she would be taken care of. There was no reason to rush. There was no reason to not let Olivia take her time with her. After all, it was clear the brunette intended to slowly and lovingly bring her as much pleasure as possible. As the younger woman realized where Liv's hand was heading, she took initiative, not wanting her fiancée to stop kissing her in order to ask the necessary question. "Yes," Amanda gulped confidently, receiving a small smirk in response, but the interruption in the contact was definitely much smaller than it would have been if Olivia had needed to speak.
One hand delicately massaged Amanda's left breast as the brunette kissed a heated trail to her right. The younger detective scratched at Liv's scalp in encouragement, not sure if she'd be able to verbally respond at this point if she was asked to give consent. She moaned quietly at the contact, the best she could do, reaching out to grasp Olivia's free arm, her hand traveling to meet a set of fingers at the end of the muscular appendage.
Olivia's heart leapt upon realizing that the love of her life was requesting grounding contact, was asking for her to hold her hand as her fingers and mouth carefully touched the sensitive skin atop her chest. The brunette squeezed the fingers that wrapped around hers, bringing both hands to rest by Amanda's head. "Good?" she whispered against a pert nipple, waiting only a fraction of a second for an excited nod before reattaching her lips to the rosy bud.
The trust the younger detective was giving to her fiancée was enough to bring tears to Olivia's eyes. Sure, her touch was gentle, and she was being careful about how much weight she applied, but the hold on Amanda's upper arm and hand was still slightly restraining. The blonde didn't care though, because as she squirmed under Olivia's hot breath, warm tongue, and expert hand, she knew she was only one word away from freedom. It wasn't a word she planned on using, however, because everything about this moment was incredible. It felt like she'd waited a lifetime for this.
Eventually Liv's right hand left the diligently stimulated breast, and gentle fingernails scratched lines down Amanda's abdomen, not enough pressure to leave a mark, but definitely enough for a more intense sensation than tickling, exactly how the blonde detective liked it. Olivia let her right hand massage Amanda's hip, an area that was often sore due to stress, as she rolled slightly off of the blonde's lower body, a whimper escaping Amanda in protest. "I just want to start slow," Benson justified, squeezing the woman's left hand that was still joined with hers by the headboard.
Amanda nodded, knowing she could pull her fiancée closer later on if she felt comfortable with it. "I didn't expect to be this desperate," she admitted, subconsciously spreading her legs apart in offering and letting the cool air hit overheated skin.
"I'm going to take care of you," Olivia assured, bringing her right hand to the blonde's chin. "I promise I won't stop unless you ask me to. I know you need this, so try to relax for me."
"I'm sorry." Amanda didn't remember the last time she was this turned on, but it was a little embarrassing. She breathed in deeply through her nose, attempting to let her limbs go slack against the bed.
"You don't need to be sorry, sweetheart. I get it," she chuckled, remembering the smoldering arousal she'd been faced with. "I just want to say something before I touch you." It went without saying, but both women knew Amanda would be reduced to an unfocused mess within seconds of Olivia's fingers purposefully moving against her. She nodded, wanting Liv to quickly say her piece.
"If you get nervous at all, just tell me, love. I promise I won't be upset." Amanda knew Olivia was referring to the nightmare she'd had before testifying, but the brunette wanted to avoid bringing it up explicitly. "And we don't have to stop necessarily. We can just take a little breather."
It was a relief to hear that Liv would be willing to touch her again, even if she did ask for a break at some point. "Thank you," Amanda whispered, ghosting her fingertips over the content but serious features of her face.
Olivia hummed, pressing her lips to the younger woman's forehead as she returned her right hand to the hip she'd been massaging earlier, letting her fingers slowly travel over the top of her leg, coming to rest against the uppermost portion of her inner thigh. The brunette forced herself to take slow, intentional breaths as she remembered the brutality committed against this area of her love's body, how something so intimate and so loving had been violently turned into something that induced pain and fear. Amanda was so beautiful. She was so beautiful, and no matter how many years she worked with SVU, Olivia would never understand how anyone could—
"Olivia," a soft voice cautioned lowly, "I'm fine." The blonde was squirming under the other woman's intense gaze, the compassion in her eyes somewhat disconcerting. "I'm not gonna break," she assured.
"I know." The detective's expression was tearful as she delicately ran a finger over blonde pubic hair, letting it caress the other inner thigh in front of her. She'd seen pictures of the bruises, and though they were no longer there, the brunette couldn't help but think about them. "I just love you so much."
She didn't need to say anything more. Amanda reached for the hand that had stopped its ascent at the juncture of her thighs, turning it slightly and pressing it against sensitive skin. "Look at me," the younger woman implored shakily, stroking a thumb over the back of Olivia's hand. God, her touch already felt so good. When brown eyes met blue ones, Amanda pushed harder against Olivia's fingers, her eyelids fluttering closed momentarily at the sensation. "I want you to feel my body respond to your touch." Amanda knew she was getting wetter, and though she felt like she might explode if she had to wait any longer for more friction against her glistening folds, her priority was comforting Liv. "I trust you with my life, baby. I love you, too, and I know I'm safe."
Olivia nodded against the blonde's forehead, breathing slowly as she took in the warmth below her hand. Amanda wanted this, and even though she'd been hurt before, she wasn't hurting now. That's what mattered.
"Can you just hold your hand there for a minute?" Amanda quietly requested, still letting her thumb stroke over the soft skin tenderly cupping her mound.
"Of course. You need some time to get used to the touch?"
Amanda shook her head, closing her eyes lightly. "No, I...I just want to savor it. I always want to remember what this feels like. I missed you so much."
"I missed you too." The blonde felt Liv's lips against her eyelids. "But I'm right here, and I'm not going anywhere."
The younger woman smiled, eyes still closed, as she relinquished control of her love's hand, her body relaxing fully against the mattress with a heavy exhale. Olivia kept her fingers impossibly still against her fiancée's body, waiting for Amanda's cue to continue. "Okay," she whispered after a few more moments, "I'm good."
Amanda felt Benson shift on the bed, evidently scooting closer to her. "Remember to breathe," she said into the other woman's ear, beginning the faintest whispers of movement with her fingers, smiling at the way the detective below her gasped at the sensation. Warmth traveled up Amanda's spine, spreading all over her body with each steady breath.
Olivia's hand squeezed against the blonde's, and she brought their lips together in a searing kiss as her fingers began to move more intentionally between her legs. Slow, careful circles around her clit with two fingers usually did the trick, but Liv wasn't sure what her body would need tonight. So much had changed. "Does this feel good?" she asked against Amanda's mouth, the younger woman nodding against her.
"You can go a little harder," she prompted, "and even a little faster. You're not gonna hurt me."
Olivia knew Amanda was sensitive, but she also needed to be touched in a way that was almost overstimulating. It was a balance that the brunette had figured out in the beginning of their relationship, but if the ratio of gentleness to firmness had changed, she did run the risk of causing her discomfort, and that was the older detective's worst nightmare. "Better?" she asked, swallowing thickly after making what she assumed would be the correct adjustments.
"Yes," Amanda said clearly. "That's perfect, Liv." She hummed at the more pleasant touch, closing her eyes to concentrate on it. "Jesus Christ," she breathed. The warmth in her body was beginning to turn to scorching heat, and when Olivia pressed her lips to a beckoning nipple, she cried out. "Oh, God!"
"Too much?" a tender voice questioned, lips pulling slightly away.
"Maybe a little," the blonde conceded, a hand coming to wipe sweat off her brow. "I'm more than okay though," she reassured Olivia at the guilty look in her eyes.
"Everything at once?" Liv asked, thinking it was the overwhelming nature of the multiple types of stimulation that had been uncomfortable.
The younger woman nodded. "One thing at a time," she reminded herself out loud.
Amanda was a little quieter after that, as becoming acclimated to the intensity of what she was feeling often provided for heavy breathing and light sighs every so often, instead of the louder, more passionate response Olivia had become used to getting as the other woman approached climax.
Benson paused her gentle massage after a few minutes to look up at her fiancée with a smirk.
Amanda was breathless, not to mention disappointed, as she shifted on the bed to get a better look at Olivia. "What?"
"I can feel your pulse," she revealed, a satisfied grin forming on her face as she slowed her movements in order to have a coherent conversation with the blonde. "And it's racing."
Amanda relaxed her body back down onto the bed, her muscles straining in the position she was in before. "My heart's not beating fast cause I'm anxious, Liv," the woman heaved, a smile breaking on her lips in awe of Olivia. God, she was cute.
"I know," the brunette laughed the most joyful laugh Amanda had heard in a while. It made her head spin. "Makes me happy."
"You should be happy," Amanda softly insisted. "You're the reason I feel so safe right now. You're the reason I can let go and just feel. That thumping against your fingertips—it's all for you."
Olivia couldn't help but claim Amanda's lips with her own, savoring the connection between them as her fingers resumed their earlier ministrations against the throbbing bud underneath her hand.
The younger woman pulled away reluctantly, her breathing becoming labored. "Can't kiss," she stammered. "Need air."
"One thing at a time?" Olivia assumed.
Amanda nodded, forcing herself to keep her eyes open as she watched her fiancée watch her. "I love you so much," the blonde panted, feeling her internal muscles begin to flutter in preparation for release.
"I love you, too," Olivia said for the umpteenth time that day. It would never be enough. She'd never be able to adequately express her feelings for the woman trying so hard to let go below her. She'd never tell her enough, never love her enough. It just wasn't possible. But that was okay.
Because in this moment, all that existed were the two women and their bodies coming together. All that existed was Amanda's breathless chant of the word "Liv," as she could form no other words. All that existed was safety and passion and connection and love.
Tears came to Amanda's eyes as her pleasure reached a crescendo, unintelligible expletives flowing out of her mouth with abandon—she did enjoy a well-placed "fuck".
"You're okay," Olivia softly whispered into her ear as her body convulsed and shuddered in ecstasy. "You're safe. Just let yourself feel it. I'm right here, sweetheart."
Those words were everything to Amanda. They were everything. After Olivia's loving permission, she closed her eyes and focused solely on what she felt. On the frantic beating of her heart. The incredible way her body sucked desperately needed oxygen from the air. She focused on the way the muscles inside here bore down on absolutely nothing but still produced a cataclysm of sensation that rocked every inch of her. She turned her attention to Olivia's fingers still delicately stroking her drenched flesh as she alternated between whispering sweet nothings into her ear and kissing away the tears caused by the equally powerful catharsis raging through her body. What an incredible feat she'd accomplished, letting go to experience this type of pleasure after so long. She felt a respect for her body in those moments that she hadn't felt—well, ever, but definitely not in the past six months.
When there was only the hammering of her heart and the occasional flutter inside her, Olivia gingerly moved her fingers away from the blonde's clit and rested them delicately over the length of soft warmth, a soothing thumb coaxing her to give in to the relaxation that beckoned her forward. Benson knew her efforts had been successful when the death grip Amanda had placed on her hand as she came had loosened, and she sighed, her breathing slowing. "Squeeze my hand if you're still with me," Liv gently instructed, not wanting to pull Amanda out of her reverie, but wanting to ensure she was still present with her.
Olivia's words garnered Amanda's attention, and she granted her a weak squeeze, her energy completely zapped. She was entirely comfortable just to lie there for the rest of her life, her fiancée's hand cradling her most vulnerable area. She was still and she was quiet, but she didn't feel the need to count the seconds. All she needed to do was feel and breathe.
It felt like an eternity later when Olivia finally spoke. "Keep breathing," she cooed, "and take your time." After some consideration, she added, "As we established earlier, I don't have plans later."
Amanda couldn't help but laugh, her eyes opening to meet the brunette's. "I'm gonna pay for that, aren't I?"
Liv hummed, her own laughter dying down as she brushed sweaty hair out of Amanda's face with her left hand. "Welcome back to planet Earth, my love."
Amanda used her own newly freed hand to guide her fiancée's lips to hers. "I do enjoy lower Earth orbit."
"I could tell," Olivia acknowledged, chancing one more stroke of her thumb across Amanda's lower lips.
The blonde gasped. "God, Liv."
"Yes, my child?"
Amanda rolled her eyes, still smiling. "I forgot how incorrigible you are when I come hard." When she didn't reply, the blonde decided to continue. "Actually, while you're in the headspace to grant my every wish, I do have a request." Olivia raised an eyebrow. "I don't wanna have a big wedding. Just us, the team, Alex. Is that okay with you?"
The older woman nodded, squinting her eyes after a moment. "Wait, is that what you were thinking about just now?"
Amanda shook her head in the negative, pulling herself up once more to press her lips against Olivia's. "It occurred to me yesterday, but I was finishing my statement, and it wasn't really a priority at the time," she explained.
"Okay, because I was a bit worried you didn't actually leave the planet for a minute there." Olivia smiled for a moment longer before sobering, gently moving her hand away from the overstimulated skin below it. "You are okay though, right?"
"Absolutely," Amanda confirmed. "Thank you."
Liv gave a quick laugh, wiping her hand off on a tissue. "You're so silly. What are you thanking me for?"
Amanda brushed a thumb over Olivia's cheek, smiling softly at the woman who meant so much to her. "For helping me remember."
A/N: This chapter was a labor of love, you guys. It's almost 3 in the morning, and I am so nervous to post this. I hope you all like it. Please tell me what you think. Thanks to Aurigabi for helping me spot typos. I'm sure I'll find some more because such is life. Anyway, comments and reviews motivate me to write faster, so please leave some for me. Two chapters left!
-Gabby