In the First Degree

Time Part 1

A/N: Thank you so much for your comments and follows! I really appreciate all of you! Please feel free to drop a comment and let me know what you like about this story or any other thoughts you may have. If you would like to connect via social media, my Instagram/twitter is faceinbud.

I hope everyone is still safe and healthy! We get through this together by staying apart.

Thank you for the amazing comments and reviews on the last chapter guys. I so appreciate you all! I just posted a new short story, Dirt in the Carpet, that is a Amanda/Olivia friendship story. I hope you'll check it out!

I'm reiterating my usual trigger warning because though a lot of this chapter is lighthearted and sweet, there are some serious moments, including a conversation between Amanda and Alex that gets a little intense. Hopefully, this will answer the question—"What's going on with Alex?"

I need to add both a disclaimer that I do not own SVU or its characters and a TRIGGER WARNING to anyone who is especially sensitive to the subject of sexual assault. ANGST TO COME!

Spring was Olivia's favorite time of year—warm, but not too warm, cool, but not too cool. Not to mention the metaphors for rebirth and newness. The brunette was a sucker for setting intentions in the Spring. It was better than New Year because it wasn't absolutely freezing outside, and as she breathed in the air around Central Park, she could also breathe in new beginnings. She and Amanda had decided to get married in April, a quick ceremony at the courthouse, Fin and Amaro serving as witnesses, before having a relatively small party at a venue that was often used for police functions.

After the actual wedding, the newlyweds decided to take some time for themselves, wandering around the city. As they walked through the park hand-in-hand, they were content to just be with one another. They had several hours before the party began, and it was a beautiful day.

"You don't think it's weird that we're not having a big wedding, do you?" the blonde asked after several peacefully quiet minutes. She had been feeling guilty about all but insisting upon the less than traditional ceremony, especially during a particularly vulnerable time for the older detective. She actually had the gall to spring that one on her during sex, when oxytocin would be overriding all logical thought. She hadn't done it on purpose, of course, but she still felt a little weird about it. Amanda and Olivia had never actually discussed wedding dos and don'ts amongst themselves before, so it was possible the brunette really did want the same thing as the younger woman. Still, it was also possible that she just didn't feel like she could bring up that she wanted something more with her then-fiancée. The moment was too fraught with emotion.

Benson squeezed her hand, bringing it up to brush the other woman's knuckles against her lips, and she shook her head, knowing the person she loved more than anything in the world had the propensity to over-think even the smallest of mishaps. "No, baby, I don't. I think we're doing what's important to us—having the legal stamp of validity and celebrating with the people who love us. All that really matters to me is that you're my wife, and I'm yours."

Amanda smiled, inhaling the pleasant-smelling Spring air. She reached with her left hand to grab ahold of Liv's bicep gently, a light squeeze communicating her agreement with the words she'd just said. The last few months had gone by so incredibly fast, and still the trial seemed a whole world away. She could almost forget the nauseous sensation in her belly that thinking about testifying used to induce, and sometimes she could replace it with the butterflies she felt flutter each time her wife—her wife—smiled or laughed or touched her in any way.

Life was so different now, and still it was the same.

"You want to grab some lunch?" the older woman asked, a low rumble beginning in her stomach.

"Yeah, that sounds good."

After they'd eaten, they headed back home, and Amanda hopped in the shower to quickly wash her hair. As she turned on the hairdryer afterwards, Liv knocked on the door. "Hey, can I do my hair, or do you need some more time?"

"You're good."

Olivia slowly slid the bathroom door open, her eyes widening at the sight of a naked Amanda drying her hair. She wasn't sure what she expected when she entered the room, but that wasn't it. "Well…hello."

The blonde smirked as the other woman reached for a brush, slowly pulling the bristles through her hair while keeping one eye on her new wife. "Is my bein' naked distracting to you?"

She couldn't help the blush that creeped up her cheeks. Busted. "A little."

Amanda laughed good-naturedly, turning off the loud appliance and moving towards a cabinet. "I can grab a towel."

"No, love, honestly, it's fine." The last thing the older detective wanted to do was make Amanda uncomfortable on their wedding day. They'd made so much progress in the past several months, and Olivia didn't want her new wife to feel violated by her lustful gaze.

"Is it?" Amanda placed her hands on her bare hips, preparing to steer the ship of their evening in the right direction while still enjoying the effect she had on the woman she loved. "We don't have that much time. We can't afford to get…sidetracked." At the brunette's curt nod, she decided to just return to drying her hair. Clearly, she didn't want to play. Maybe Olivia was simply nervous. Not unlike the blonde, she didn't always love being showered with attention, and a whole party dedicated to their new marriage could reasonably be anxiety-inducing. But when Amanda saw the woman deliberately ignoring her in her peripheral vision as she began the process of pulling her hair back into a formal ponytail, she had to ask. "Are you okay, baby?"

"Yeah, it's just…" She blew out a puff of air, occupying her hands with placing clips in her hairdo. "It doesn't bother you when I look at you like that?"

Amanda wanted her to be more specific. "When you look at me like what?"

"You know." Olivia waved her hand in front of her face, attempting to will the right answer out of her body. "Almost predatory-like."

Amanda turned off the hairdryer, resting her hands on the vanity in front of her. "I…." She was absolutely dumbfounded. She had been joking, flirty, almost teasing in her banter with the other woman. What in her behavior would lead Benson to believe she was feeling stalked like a prey animal? "No," was all she could say. "No," she repeated. "Olivia, we're married," she said, making an obvious point, though she still wasn't used to saying the word out loud. "You're supposed to be attracted to me. I'd be a little concerned if you weren't." She thought for a few moments as Liv waited for her to continue. "Am I acting uncomfortable? Because I promise you I'm not."

"Not partic—" Olivia stopped herself as she realized she was about to utter the same phrase that Alex had basically forced out of Patton in court. She put the last clip in her hair, turning to face Amanda. It was her fault that what the younger woman intended to be pre-wedding foreplay had turned into this serious of a discussion. "No. No, sweetheart. You're not acting uncomfortable. I guess—"

When she stopped short, Amanda removed the distance between them, reaching for Olivia's hand. "Tell me." The older woman spent so much time comforting the blonde, and so she reveled in any chance to return the favor.

It was bound to come up sooner or later. "I guess I'm uncomfortable because I worry so much, and I'm putting thoughts in your head that I know aren't there because I'm an idiot."

Amanda shook her head. She knew that this beautiful, compassionate woman had spent her entire life absolutely petrified that she was capable of violence. The younger detective didn't often feel disdain for the man who had assaulted Liv's mother, mostly because she was selfishly grateful for the woman's existence, but in moments like this, Amanda wished she could leap through time and stomp on his balls—hard. "You're not an idiot. But you do spend every moment of every day terrified you're gonna hurt me. What are you worried about, Liv? You're sexy. And I like it when you look at me like I am too. It is one hundred percent welcome on my part. I don't feel intruded upon, or…or violated, or however you think I feel. I feel safe with you. I have never once seen you as predatory, Olivia. You know that, right?"

Benson worried her lower lip, shifting uncomfortably on her feet. She didn't know. "I do now."

"You don't have it in you, baby. You don't have a violent bone in your body."

"But—"

"No buts. Ordinarily, I'd let you talk through this, but I don't think it'll help. I need you to listen to my words. Listen to my body." She lifted the hand she was holding to her heart, placing Olivia's palm flush against still-damp skin. A touch as innocent as this still sent sparks through her, and the evidence would be clear to Liv through the spike in her heart rate. She knew that if she could hear the beat echo in her ears, then the other woman would be able to feel it through her chest. "I'm not the only one who still has healing to do."

Olivia leaned her forehead forward to meet Amanda's, not caring if she'd need to redo her hair. "I'm sorry. I know you didn't intend this moment to be so heavy."

Rollins pressed the older woman's hand more firmly against her skin, cradling the back of her neck with the other hand. Olivia returned the gesture, both women holding each other close. "You're right—I didn't. But if heavy is what you need right now, then that's more than okay with me."

The brunette nodded, giving a few appreciative squeezes to the nape of Amanda's neck. "The back of your hair is still so wet, honey."

"Yeah, usin' this thing isn't so easy." The younger detective picked up the clunky device, the part that was designed to protect curls clattering dramatically to the floor and serving as Exhibit A. "Your honor, I rest my case."

Olivia giggled, the tension of before melting easily away, before bending down to retrieve the fallen piece. "Here, let me help you, love."

One of the things both cops loved so much about their relationship was that when something was settled, it was settled, and there was no need to harp on such things for any longer than necessary. Getting the more experienced SVU detective to feel confident in her nonviolent nature would be a lifelong process, just like Amanda's own healing journey, and that was okay. For this moment, it was okay to let it go.

The blonde immediately turned around, appreciating the assistance with a task she hadn't expected to be so difficult. No words were spoken for a few minutes. Amanda was content to close her eyes and relish in Liv's tender touches. Her heart began to ache at the thought that such an inherently gentle woman would worry she was capable of any form of assault, save for, of course, self-defense. But she knew she'd have the rest of their lives to convince her wife otherwise. She had the facts here, and they were on her side.

Olivia broke the quiet between them, her curiosity piqued at Amanda's quintessentially pensive eyes. "What are you thinking about?"

The younger woman looked back at Olivia through the mirror. "We're married."

The brunette's eyes narrowed. What point was she making? "Yeah. We are."

"That's crazy. You don't think it's crazy?"

"No, I don't," Olivia laughed. "I always knew I would marry you. What, you do think it's crazy?"

Amanda stuck up her hand in front of them. She didn't actually think it was crazy, on a good day. There were times that the blonde would consider Olivia crazy for wanting to be with her so badly after everything she'd been through, but fortunately, those days were now few and far between. "Not in a bad way. I just never saw myself bein' married. Probably because I assumed it would have to be to a man, and I had enough self-respect not to force myself into that."

"I always knew I wanted to get married," Olivia mused, brushing the remainder of her wife's now dry hair behind her shoulder with gentle fingers, leaving goose bumps in their wake on Amanda's skin. "Picket fence, a dog, two point five kids. I guess I wanted it so bad because I didn't have that as a child."

Amanda hummed. Because she did have it, in a fucked up way of course, she saw the worst of it, and never considered it a possibility for her life. "And you thought you could have that, even with a woman?"

Olivia discarded the hairdryer, placing it down on top of the vanity, before resting her chin on her love's bare shoulder and wrapping both arms around her waist from behind. "I did. If New York hadn't legalized it when it did, I'd consider moving to another state or even another country."

Amanda let her fingers draw delicate patterns over the brunette's arms. "Really?"

"Oh, absolutely," she confirmed, her lips lingering against pale skin. "To be your wife? I'd go anywhere. Canada. Mars. Pluto. A galaxy far, far away. Anywhere."

Though she wholeheartedly returned the sentiment that their connection was worth fighting for, Amanda didn't always quite understand why Liv felt the way she did. "Why do you love me so much?"

The older woman squeezed Amanda to her. This insecurity of hers was awful, and Olivia longed for the opportunity to make it stop. "I think our hearts knew we were meant for one another. I'd never question that."

"I guess I shouldn't either."

"Hmm. No, I guess not."

The world's smallest wedding party started at seven, and after some lighthearted conversation with Amaro, Fin, Munch, and Casey Novak—who was delighted to get Olivia's invitation after over a year of no longer prosecuting sex crimes—Amanda decided to approach Cragen, who—along with Alex—was one of the two guests at the celebration standing alone. "Hey, Cap. Enjoyin' the party?" The last time they had socialized was at Olivia's birthday dinner in February, but even then, they hadn't talked much. The police captain was often uncomfortable at social functions, and he was usually the sole person not drinking alcohol. At least today, he and Alex had that in common.

"Oh, yeah. Thank you for inviting me." He sipped his glass of water, nodding his head. "Where did you find those cookies? Wow!"

Amanda laughed. "I actually don't know. Liv handled most of the catering."

"Rollins," he said, his features becoming serious, "I don't know if you know this, but I've always sort of seen Liv as the daughter I never had."

Amanda smiled. "Yeah, yeah, I could tell."

"And I'm sorry if things started off on the wrong foot between us. I can be protective of my team, but you've proven yourself to be a talented detective and a good person."

She gave him an appreciative nod. "Well, thank you, Captain."

"I'm also sorry for trying to stop Liv from going after you on that day. If I had known—"

"No, don't mention it. Seriously. We all make the best decisions we can with the information we have at the time." She shrugged, slightly uncomfortable at her boss's impromptu apology.

Cragen had clearly been struggling with this for a good amount of time. Amanda wondered why people often let guilt and shame fester, rather than coming clean and acknowledging whatever the problem was, even if something wasn't actually that person's fault. What did it say about the human condition that nine times out of ten, someone would just rather suffer in silence? "You're being too good to me, Amanda. I feel somewhat respons—"

She cut him off, vigorously shaking her head. Why did everyone in her life blame themselves for Patton's actions? Did she sound this ridiculous when she talked about making a choice to meet him in the warehouse? Probably, she told herself. "No. No. C'mon, Captain. You know the deal. You know who holds the responsibility."

"Okay." He paused, and the detective knew he was preparing to change the subject. She also knew it wasn't her job to absolve her loved ones of guilt, but at the end of the day, she was the only one who they'd listen to. "I'm sorry to bring it up, today of all days. What I really wanted to tell you is—since Liv is a daughter to me, and she's married to you now, that would make you my daughter too. If either of you ever need anything, know that I'm here. I just ask one thing of you."

"Yeah. Anything."

The man inhaled, and the emotion that took over his features was like nothing Amanda had seen on Cragen's face, his voice cracking as he made his request. "Take care of her?"

She knew this was coming. "Of course." She reached to give her boss a hug. "You know I will, Don."

He nodded into her shoulder. "I do."

Amanda caught a glimpse of their other lonesome guest, and she excused herself, sighing. There it was again, that suffer in silence thing. What was it about Alex's nature that prevented her from integrating with the rest of their group? They were all friends, and the ADA was more than welcome.

The older woman did offer Amanda a genuine smile as she approached, greeting her in a friendly manner. "How have you been?" Alex fiddled with the straw in her tonic water, leaning against the dessert bar.

"Good. I've been good." The detective decided to open up to her friend, thinking it might build rapport and encourage her to be honest as well. "I started goin' to therapy, which I was hesitant about at first, but...it's been amazing. I get to talk to someone who is always gonna believe me, who is there to validate my experiences. And now I don't feel like I'm always bombarding Liv with everything. It really helps with the balance of...stuff. It's been a lot easier."

Alex seemed genuinely relieved. "Good. I'm happy for you."

"Listen, Alex, Liv told me something during the trial that I've been meaning to ask you about. You don't blame yourself for what happened to me, do you?"

The question rattled the stoic woman, and she had to consider her words for longer than she would have liked. "Amanda, I just assumed you decided not to come. I've been doing this for more than ten years. I should have known."

"Alex, I'm not new to SVU either, but when someone stands me up, my first thought isn't that they're being raped."

Amanda watched the attorney's eyes dance around the room as she fidgeted nervously with her own fingers, her gaze eventually landing on the floor below them. "So, when I was young, I dated this man."

The detective instinctually wanted to create a more relaxed atmosphere, not because she didn't want to listen to whatever story Alex was trying to tell her, but because it was painfully obvious that the ADA was deeply uncomfortable. So she plastered a smile on her face, a joking attitude lacing her voice. "You dated a man?"

"I was young and naive, but that's beside the point." The prosecutor shook her head, a mirthless chuckle escaping her. Clearly, Amanda's joke wasn't a good idea. "Well actually, it's quite exactly the point. Our parents arranged the first date and I think they expected us to get married. New York high society and all that. He wasn't a bad man, I don't think, but he wasn't warm, and he was...handsy."

The younger woman brushed a piece of yellow hair behind her ear, something Olivia often did for her when she was feeling anxious. Where was Olivia? Oh. Talking to Cragen. Amanda recognized the ball of nausea rolling its way up her esophagus. "Where are you going with this, Alex?"

The attorney kept her gaze downward, evading each of Amanda's attempts to reestablish eye contact. Her voice remained devoid of emotion, and the younger blonde knew what was coming before she'd even said the words. "Sometimes late at night after we'd had a few drinks, he'd climb on top of me. I was always stunned into silence. It felt like a dream, you know?" Amanda had become familiar with this story rather quickly after her introduction into SVU police work. It was relatively common. She sometimes thought about how many victims there were out there that had no idea they were victims at all.

But Alex.

A tense beat passed, and eventually she looked up at Amanda. "I never knew it was rape. It was in prosecuting these cases that I figured it out for myself. So, yeah," she said, her face turning red in a feeble attempt to hold back the overwhelming emotion of the moment. "When you didn't show up to court that day, I should have known."

"I'm so sorry, Alex."

"You know," she sniffed, looking around to ensure no one was watching the interaction, "I used to think it didn't affect me. But it's probably why I take it so personally when things don't go my way in court. I mean, I never said no to Conrad. But I definitely never said yes. And I never once wanted it."

The younger woman had no idea what to say. But somehow this made absolute sense. Alex's desire to attempt to set an affirmative consent precedent, the vigor with which she prosecuted her case from start to finish, the guilt that she felt on the day Amanda was assaulted, guilt that would probably never completely leave her. Amanda was at a loss for words. No one this close had ever disclosed to her before, and though she knew all the talking points like the back of her own hand, no response felt quite right to her. So she put on her detective hat. "Did you ever consider filing charges?"

"No. It was twenty years ago, so..."

Of course. Whatever the crime committed was—the clock had run out many years ago.

"Did you tell anyone?" Amanda inwardly scolded herself for sounding so clinical. This wasn't a vic. This was Alex. She needed a friend right now. But the usually self-assured lawyer, looking uncharacteristically vulnerable as she bit her lip and strained to keep threatening tears at bay, was a whole lot better at being a friend than she was at having a friend.

Necessity.

"God, no." Alex shook her head. This was the one thing that she never even considered at the time. "My parents were angry enough when I announced I was ending the relationship. You're, uh, you're actually my first disclosure. No pressure. "

"Thank you for telling me, Alex. I'm happy to be this person for you, I really am, but it might be a good idea, when you're ready, to tell a few more people. You deserve a support system, Alex. You deserve to be seen and respected and understood. I can tell you from personal experience now that it's not just something we say, the healing starts when someone bears witness thing."

"I know," she admitted, "it's just Olivia especially can be relentless."

Amanda smirked knowingly. "Liv can be relentless in some ways. She'll never let you get away with blaming yourself. If you apologize to her for openin' up, it'll upset her. She holds you accountable. But she'll never make you give her more detail than you're comfortable with, and she will always validate what you're feeling."

"I'll think about it." Alex frantically wiped away tears, splashing some water in her face. "Clearly this is not the time or place. Jesus, I just realized that I disclosed to you at your own wedding. Talk about a buzz kill."

Amanda knew this woman had never once in her life been encouraged to feel anything at all, and it was going to take some time for her to think she was entitled to support. "You're fine, Alex." She remained quiet for about a minute, holding space for Alex and meeting her where she was in the darkness. "Actually, can I ask you a question?"

"Sure." Any excuse to shift the attention away from herself.

The detective second-guessed the wisdom of her next move, but she'd never get the answer she wanted if she didn't at least try to ask the question. "Is sex always hard?"

This felt like the weirdest, most awkward girl-talk of all time, but along with a twinge of embarrassment, Amanda clearly saw relief wash over the woman in front of her. Talking about herself would have to come in small doses for now. "It's always...complicated. You're going to have better luck than me though because Olivia knows the deal. None of my partners ever knew." Amanda watched as Alex's eyes landed on something several feet behind her. "Speaking of, Olivia is headed this way. I hate to ask this of you, but I have to. This conversation? Please keep it between us for now."

"Of course," she promised. "Not my story to tell." She turned to the approaching brunette, wrapping an arm around her and pecking her lips. "Hey, baby."

"Hello, my love. Long time, no see."

Amanda pulled Liv even closer to her, turning the kiss into a full hug. She made momentary eye contact with Alex, who mouthed the words "thank you", receiving a response in the form of a heartfelt nod.

When she pulled away, Benson kept an arm wrapped loosely around Amanda's waist, and she turned to the one guest she hadn't talked to yet that evening. "Hey, Alex, Casey wanted to say hello. I told her I'd send you her way."

"Oh." The attorney looked genuinely surprised at the notion that the other prosecutor would want to talk to her for purely social reasons. But everyone else here was having fun, and when in Rome…. "Thanks, Liv. Congratulations, you guys."

When she walked away, the older woman's lips pressed into a frown. She had seen Alex's red, puffy eyes as she walked up to them, but didn't want to bombard her with questions. "Is she okay?"

Amanda nodded, letting her fingers play with the collar of the pantsuit Liv was wearing. "Oh, yeah. Just had a little heart to heart."

"Good. I'm glad you guys have gotten close."

The blonde turned to wrap both arms around Olivia's neck, humming when the other woman's hands came to rest on her hips. "Hey, can I confess something to you?"

The older detective pulled her forehead slightly away from her wife's, her nose and eyebrows scrunching up in mock confusion. "You're not breaking up with me, are you? Cause it's a little late for that."

"No. God, no." She pressed her lips to Olivia's shoulder as they swayed together to further punctuate her point. "I...um." This was something that had been weighing heavily on Amanda's mind, but she hadn't been absolutely sure about it until Alex had shared what she considered to be her darkest secret with her. "Lately, I've been thinkin', and God, this is gonna sound crazy, but a part of me, ever since I was really young, has wanted to go to law school. I never thought I could actually do it. Never thought I was good enough. Smart enough. But Jesus, Liv, this past year has taught me—you never know what you're capable of until you have to be. And I feel like I have to do this."

Olivia cradled both sides of Amanda's face with loving hands, a beaming smile spreading on her lips. "Why am I not surprised?" All the years of living room lawyer had been significant for Amanda. She was expressing an interest she'd never allowed herself to actually dream about.

The younger woman still felt a little foolish. How much change did she really want? "Do you think it's totally ridiculous?"

Benson's grin fell slightly at the thought that the woman she loved was already trying to talk herself out of this. "No, of course not."

Amanda took a deep breath. "So, what do you think?"

She figured her opinion on this matter was instantly obvious, but apparently it wasn't. The older of the two cops pursed her lips, feigning thought. "Yes. I think yes."

The law school hopeful's eyes lit up, her own smile eclipsing Olivia's. "Yes? Really?"

"Yes!" the brunette laughed, her enthusiastic affirmation garnering the attention of more than one partygoer.

"But is it the right time?"

"It never feels like the right time for most things, my love. But that glimmer in your eyes, in your beautiful eyes that I just saw—baby, I want to wake up to that glimmer every day for the rest of my life. Today is the beginning of our forever, and I don't think the timing could be any more perfect."

Amanda smiled again, leaning into the embrace of the woman of her dreams, her everything, her wife.

All they had left was time.

A/N: One chapter left! *crying face*

So, just as a heads up, Time Part 2 will take place in "present day", so several years after the conclusion of Time Part 1 and will be something of an epilogue. I want to give you all an opportunity to request what you want to see in the last chapter. I have the skeleton of the chapter written already, but I'm happy to add in little things to answer questions you may have about Amanda and Olivia's life many years down the line. So, keep 'em coming, and LET'S DO THIS!

-Gabby