In the First Degree
Time Part 2
A/N: Thank you so much for your comments and follows! I really appreciate all of you! Please feel free to drop a comment and let me know what you like about this story or any other thoughts you may have. If you would like to connect via social media, my Instagram/twitter is faceinbud.
I hope everyone is still safe and healthy! We get through this together by staying apart.
I'm sorry for the length of time it took for me to write and post this chapter. I just wanted to get it right. Well, here it is folks. The final installment of In the First Degree. *Give me a moment while I cry*
I need to add both a disclaimer that I do not own SVU or its characters and a TRIGGER WARNING to anyone who is especially sensitive to the subject of sexual assault. ANGST TO COME!
"Just as one candle lights another and can light thousands of other candles, so one heart illuminates another heart and can illuminate thousands of other hearts."
-Leo Tolstoy
PRESENT DAY
"And?" A middle-aged woman stood with her hands protectively holding onto the shoulders of her young granddaughter, the question holding unbearable weight as Rollins approached the duo in the courthouse lobby.
"Guilty," she breathed in relief, "on all counts. He's never getting out of prison."
The older woman's eyes watered, and she covered her mouth to conceal bittersweet release as she let out a singular sob. "Oh Christ, really?"
"Really," the blonde stressed. "It's over."
After taking a moment to regain composure, the older woman turned her attention to the little girl standing in front of her. "Baby, what do we say to Amanda for helping us?
"Thank you, Miss Amanda," she recited dutifully, wringing her hands together as they swung in front of her dress.
"Oh, you are very welcome, Miss Charlie." Rollins knelt down to face the child, offering her a smile. "I want to thank you too, for being so brave."
Charlie grinned in return, bell-chime laughter escaping her as her upper body swayed in semi-circles. "Can I have a hug?"
Amanda extended her arms towards the little girl. "Yes, of course."
At the beginning of the case, Amanda had built stunning rapport with this child, and though she told herself it was due to her passion for the job, the truth was the relationship between the blonde and the seven-year-old developed mostly because she knew and loved two other seven-year-olds (six and three quarters, they would claim petulantly) who had been through almost identical trauma.
She stood up after the sweet hug, placing a comforting hand on the older woman's shoulder. Logistically, it was over, and Amanda knew that, but the next part of Charlie's journey would also be difficult. Though she was physically safe now, the process of rebuilding the sense of safety she would need to enjoy the rest of her childhood wasn't complete with only a guilty verdict. It never worked that way.
"What do we do now?"
Amanda gave her a sympathetic smile. Preparing for a trial often gave survivors purpose, something to focus on, and it wasn't uncommon for people to feel lost afterwards. "I know how surreal this all is." She thought for a moment about how to continue, pondering her options. She tried to keep her private life separate to a certain extent from her professional life, but there was really only so much she could do, considering her line of work and how it connected to her life as a survivor, a wife, and a mother. "When my wife and I began fostering, we realized how few resources there are for kids who've survived abuse and their loved ones. We began hosting a monthly getaway, called the Living Light Retreat, for child survivors of abuse and neglect. We camp most months, depending on the weather. We play sports, swim, dance, write, the older kids have a support group meeting, and the adults have a separate one. We even went to the beach last summer. We don't deal with policy at all," she explained. "We're a very micro-level organization in that we focus exclusively on the psychology of the survivor experience. We know how dark and lonely this can feel, and we just want to share a little light. If this is something you guys would be interested in—" She reached into her briefcase and pulled out a card, scribbling a website on the back of it. "—all the information is here, and we would love to have you and Charlie next month."
Amanda didn't often explicitly offer her victims admission into the Living Light program because she worried about the conflict of interest that could exist there, but every once in a while, after the conclusion of a case, she felt compelled to bring a kiddo into the fold. She could see Charlie and Francesca being good friends.
The grandmother was at a loss for words for a moment, but she reached out and took the card anyway. "That sounds amazing, Amanda. Thank you," she said softly, almost reverently.
"Of course. It's my pleasure. My own kids come almost every month," she added, unable to keep the smile off of her face, "and it's been amazing for them."
The young child gasped excitedly. "You have kids?"
"I do," the blonde confirmed, bobbing her head in addition to the verbal reply. "They're about your age actually. What do you think, Charlie? Do you wanna come camping with us?"
"Yes!"
The sound and feel of her phone vibrating prevented Amanda from responding to Charlie's exuberance. She quickly ignored the call and placed her phone back where it had been prior to the interruption, in the right back pocket of her slacks. "Speaking of my kids, I do have to go. It's actually adoption day."
Charlie's grandmother couldn't resist pulling the other woman into a hug. "Oh, congratulations, Amanda. That's amazing."
"Thank you, Tanya. We're really excited." She knelt down once more to address the little girl. "Charlie, it has been so great getting to know you, and I hope I'll see you soon."
She gave a sheepish little wave before turning to bury her face into Tanya's skirt. "Bye, Miss Amanda!"
"Bye, sweet girl."
Before she could escape down the hallway, Amanda spotted a familiar face. Well, actually, it was the back of a familiar head. "Doctor Wilde!" The woman turned around, smiling when she realized who was calling out to her. "Thank you for testifying."
"Of course." The doctor's head bobbed. She'd been serving as an expert witness for a little over six years, and she'd become an honorary member of the team. "I'm always happy to help out SVU. I'm just sad I've had so many opportunities to do so."
Amanda nodded somberly. "You and me both. But you're an amazing advocate for these survivors, and they're lucky to have you."
"Same to you, counselor." She gave the younger woman an earnest smile, placing a hand on her upper arm. "Say hello to Olivia and the twins."
"Will do. Be safe, Allison."
"You too, Amanda. Be well."
Once Dr. Wilde had turned a corner, disappearing behind the wall, Amanda began sprinting down the hallway, pulling her cell phone out of her well-used pocket once more. She was more than a little late at this point, but she needed to update her boss.
"Alexandra Cabot," she heard a cool voice from the other end of the call.
"Hey, it's me." Amanda frantically and repeatedly attacked the "down" button outside the elevator until the doors opened at a painfully slow pace. "Just wanted to let you know that the jury deliberated for less than an hour, and they returned six guilty verdicts." She took a cleansing breath as she realized that she was the only person occupying the elevator, leaning against the back wall.
Amanda could hear the smile on her lips as the woman's voice warmed, overcome with pride for her prodigy. "You're my favorite prosecutor."
"I learned from the best." The ADA wedged her way between the still opening elevator doors, the soles of her shoes clicking against the marble flooring of the courthouse hallway. "I gotta go. I'm already late for the finalization. Are you comin' to the party later?"
"Wouldn't miss it for the world. Do you want me to come over early and help you guys set up?"
Amanda tucked some stray strands of hair behind her ears, wanting to look presentable in front of the judge. "You don't have to do that, Al."
"I know. I want to," she insisted. "As long as it's okay with you."
"Of course it is," she confirmed, striding towards the room where her three favorite people would be waiting along with a judge and a social worker.
"Great. Well, I'll see you in a bit. Now, turn off 'ADA Mode' and turn on 'Mama Mode'. Go make those babies officially yours."
The younger woman nodded to herself, pausing outside the room where she'd legally become a mother. "On it."
After she hung up, Amanda opened the door, greeting the woman who stood on the other side of it. "Hey, Melissa, I'm so sorry. I got caught up in work stuff."
"It's okay," she assured, guiding the attorney into the courtroom. "Let's get this party started." She smiled, the closing of the door garnering the attention of her two clients and their other adoptive parent.
"Hey, Liv," Amanda said, pecking the brunette's lips, "so sorry I'm late." She looked down at two sets of arms, both of which had wound their way around her hips, and she patted two heads of black hair. "Hi babies!"
"No worries, love, the judge understands. Did the jury come back?"
"Yes!" Amanda announced proudly, her wife breathing a sigh of relief. "And Captain Benson, you'll be happy to know your favorite Assistant District Attorney just won another case. I'm five for five this year. Buchanan won't be calling me a 'Green ADA' for much longer."
Olivia beamed, grabbing on to the little boy's hand. "Alex must be shaking in her boots."
"I think she's enjoying delegating from the DA's office. Dr. Wilde says hi." Amanda knelt down in front of both children. "Are you guys ready to do this?"
Two piercing chants of the word "yes" resonated through the room.
Amanda placed her briefcase on a table and briskly approached the judge, their social worker on her toes. "Judge, I am so incredibly sorry for wasting your honor's time."
"Relax, Amanda. Today is a happy occasion. Let's be happy, huh?"
"Yes, let's be happy," she repeated softly. "Sorry, I've had a crazy morning."
The judge chuckled good-naturedly. "I think it's about to get crazier, counselor."
"That is—" She lifted the little girl into the air, holding her close. "—exactly what I want."
The three women that stood before the judge were sworn in, and then the social worker was given permission to address the court. This journey had started more than three years earlier when Amanda and Olivia had decided to become licensed foster parents. They'd had almost a dozen children in their care during that time, but this was the first opportunity the women had had to adopt any of their foster kids. It made sense, this family of four, and Amanda and Olivia were both incredibly grateful for the chance to become parents to the twins they both loved so much.
"My name is Melissa Vogel, and I am the twins' social worker. I placed Anthony and Francesca with Captain Benson and ADA Rollins almost two years ago, and as you can see, your honor, the love between them is just palpable. They've done an amazing job with them. Both children are thriving, and they are meeting and exceeding their developmental milestones. So, now that parental rights of the birth parents have been severed, I am recommending that you finalize their adoption today."
"Thank you, Ms. Vogel." The judge turned to Amanda and Olivia. "I do have to ask you a few questions before I can finalize the adoption."
Both women were prepared for this. Amanda nodded. She'd answered much harder questions in a courtroom similar to this several years ago. It was odd, actually, how different family court felt from trial court. Being enveloped in a criminal trial had become second nature for her, and impacting cases from the other side of the witness stand was all kinds of fulfilling, but she knew that she'd never forget the experience of being a complaining witness. And truthfully, she didn't want to forget because now she was able to approach the survivors who testified at her trials with a sense of empathy she hadn't had before. Still, as she stood in this room, before a judge that she'd only met a handful of times before, the butterflies fluttering about in her abdomen were vaguely reminiscent of a less pleasant flutter, of the kind of anxious frenzy that stomach butterflies engage in directly prior to a defense attorney asking if she'd consented to almost dying at her rapist's hands. It wasn't something she enjoyed, but it was important for her to remember. It was her job to remember. As the blonde pondered all this, she felt her wife's steadying hand come to rest on the small of her back. "Sure."
"Of course," Amanda echoed, placing a squirming Francesca on the ground. She didn't often lift and hold the first graders anymore, but truthfully, she was the one who needed comfort in this moment. She was no longer used to being on the receiving end of questions in the courtroom, and it was more disconcerting to the blonde than she'd expected. She took a deep breath, letting her fingers lazily move through her daughter's hair. These inquiries wouldn't be difficult. This was a happy occasion, she reminded herself, emulating the judge's no-nonsense tone in her mind.
The judge looked down at a script in front of her. "Do you understand that if your request to finalize the adoption of Anthony and Francesca is granted, you will be legally and financially responsible for the support of both minor children as if they were your natural children?"
This time, Amanda spoke first, confidently expressing her comprehension as both women embraced their children, interlacing the fingers of their free hands together. "Yes, we do."
"And do you understand that this support includes food, clothing, shelter, as well as educational and medical support?"
Both women spoke at the same time. "Yes."
"Do you understand that if your petition is granted, you will be parents of your children in all respects, as if they had been born to you?"
"Yes."
"Do you understand that you will be undertaking the intellectual, spiritual, and moral guidance of Anthony and Francesca?"
"We do."
"Do you understand that you will be liable for all duties and responsibilities, just as if you were their birth parents?"
"Yes."
"And do you understand that they will be your legal heirs?"
"Yes."
"Do you understand that you will be called upon to provide love, affection, and encouragement, and that you will undertake some great and small inconveniences as parents?"
"Yes, we do."
The judge looked up from her script. "Is there any reason why you cannot fulfill these obligations?"
Both women shook their heads. "No."
"Based upon the report and recommendation of the children's social worker, the court finds that the granting of this petition is in the best interest of the minor children. Olivia Benson and Amanda Rollins have demonstrated a willingness and ability to support Anthony and Francesca and maintain and foster the welfare and best interests of the children. They are suitable to be their parents. The court will therefore enter the order of adoption, thereinafter, Olivia Benson and Amanda Rollins will be the legal parents of Anthony and Francesca Benson." She took a few moments to allow the women to kiss and wipe tears from their eyes, engaging in a group hug with their children for the first time as an official family, and then she asked, "You guys want to take some pictures?"
After they'd taken a few photos, the judge asked the kids if they wanted to bang the gavel, something that Francesca immediately refused to do. Tony, on the other hand, was more than willing to accept the judge's offer, eagerly reaching out his hands towards the item the judge held out to him.
"Order in the court!" Tony yelled, slamming the gavel down against the wood and doing his best impression of a TV judge.
"Ooh, gentle, T." Amanda cringed at the sound of the wood harshly coming together. "Be gentle, love."
"He had some questions last year about what his Mama does for a living," Olivia explained to the judge with a laugh.
She carefully retrieved her gavel from the grinning little boy. "I have no doubt that you will be an amazing judge one day, young man."
He gasped excitedly as Amanda reached out for the child, who had climbed to perch proudly on the judge's bench. "C'mere, T."
Tony let his mother help him physically step down off the bench. "Did you hear that, Mama? She says I'm gonna be a judge!"
Amanda giggled, knowing that this woman had no doubt aided in the creation of a monster. Tony was already a master negotiator. Was he going to start holding his moms in contempt when they insisted on bedtime too? "Let's finish the first grade, and then we can talk about the bar, okay?" she laughed.
The family returned home, and both children were thrilled to miss school for the day in order to get adopted and have a party. It was time to start setting up, so Liv ventured to the grocery store for some last minute items, and the twins were helping Amanda blow up balloons to decorate the house for the entire SVU squad, who were due to arrive in a few hours.
Once they'd come to the last green one, the blonde placed the air pump delicately into the neck of the balloon and asked her daughter to start attaching the finished ones to pieces of furniture. For some reason, the child absolutely loved tying knots. It was one of the many endearing things about her, along with the way her little button nose scrunched up when she concentrated. Tony happily assisted her with the rather large task, one of the most endearing things about him being how much he loved his sister. These children were incredible, and Amanda could hardly believe she would get to call them hers for the rest of her life. She had a wife—she would never tire of referring to Liv as her wife—and two children, something she never imagined she'd get to say. Now they just needed a dog and a picket fence, and Olivia's childhood dream would have come true. Distracted by her thoughts, the woman hadn't noticed how large and pressurized the balloon was getting, and she was oblivious to the stretch until it popped suddenly. The piercing noise sent chills violently down Amanda's spine, but it had Francesca absolutely frozen in place.
The little boy frantically waved his hands in front of his sister's face, but to no avail. Her eyes were vacant. "Francesca," Tony whispered anxiously as Amanda hopped out of her chair and approached the two kids. He was desperate to get her attention now, his voice rising. "Francesca!"
Amanda placed a hand on his back, kneeling down in front of him. "Tony, bud, do you think you can grab us a cup of water?" She knew his panic wouldn't be calming to Chess, but helping would keep his nervous mind occupied. He nodded. "Yeah? Thank you, baby."
Once he'd walked away, she shifted on the kitchen floor so that she was looking directly at her daughter. "Chess, can you look at me, sweetheart?" At the soft sound of her Mama's voice, Francesca's deeply fearful brown eyes met Amanda's gentle pools of blue. "There you go. Can I hold your hands?"
"Uh huh," she replied absently, extending both arms slightly towards the blonde. She had one foot in reality, but it was clear that she was still being pulled somewhere else. "What happened, Mama?" she murmured monotonously.
"The sound of the balloon scared you, baby. But you're okay. You're safe with me. Just keep breathing. What do we say?"
She repeated the family mantra robotically. "One second at a time."
"Good." At least, even in the midst of inexplicable terror, she recalled those words. "Yeah, one second at a time. You're doing great, sweet girl. Can you walk with me to the table, so we can sit?"
A wordless nod followed, and Amanda led the pale child towards a chair.
Tony came bounding towards the duo with a tall glass of water as Chess shifted until she was leaning against the back of the chair. The boy approached hastily, the liquid sloshing over the sides of the glass as he ran, and then he plopped it roughly down onto the wooden table. "Is she remembering, Mama?"
As a part of therapy, Amanda and Olivia were diligent about educating the twins about the trauma response in an age-appropriate way. They often discussed bad dreams, generalized anxiety, and "remembering", or having flashbacks. In order to keep both children engaged in their healing process, their mothers had prioritized emotional intelligence and the ability to talk about what they were experiencing at any given time using words they could understand. "I'm not sure, love. But it's all gonna be okay. Thank you for the water. Do you want to sit with us?"
His head bobbed. "Yes, please." The boy pulled out a chair, sitting on the other side of Francesca as Amanda continued speaking to her in a gentle voice.
After a few minutes, Chess reached out for the cup of water, and Tony launched himself off his seat to retrieve a straw for her. "Thanks, Tony," she said, sipping the beverage through a fun bendy straw.
Olivia arrived home then, closing the front door of their house behind her before walking into the kitchen. "I think I forgot the—" The brunette stopped herself when she was greeted by the sight of her wife and children solemnly sitting together at the kitchen table. "What happened?"
Amanda looked up, still squatting next to the little girl and brushing some hair out of her face as her wife's worried eyes bore into hers. "A balloon popped." That was the only explanation needed for the moment. Loud noises were Francesca's worst triggers, and the blonde felt so guilty. She should have been paying more attention to what she was doing.
Francesca pulled the straw out of her mouth. "I'm okay, Mommy."
Liv placed the grocery bags on the kitchen table next to Tony, and then she placed one hand on Amanda's shoulder and one on Chess's head. "I know you are, my love. You're being so brave." She looked at the younger woman, the hand that rested on her shoulder squeezing carefully. "How loud was it? Are you okay?"
Amanda nodded, taking a moment to lay her cheek against the brunette's hand. "It was pretty loud. But I'm good. We're both okay, right, Chess?"
"Uh huh."
"We took deep breaths and we drank some water." The attorney gestured to the little boy who was sitting up on his knees, waiting to be given another job. "Tony is being a great brother."
"I bet. Thank you, T." The little boy wasn't as prone to panicking as his sister was, but watching Francesca when she was afraid often upset him greatly, and being productive calmed him. Olivia shifted on her feet to be closer to her son, rubbing wide circles into his back in order to coax his tense muscles to relax. "You okay, sweetheart?"
"Yeah," he whispered, looking up at his mom. "Are we still having the party?"
Every time Francesca expressed fear of anything, her brother worried that they would be in trouble. This came from the first four years of their lives, as they'd become accustomed to being treated as a burden and an inconvenience if they were hungry, dirty, or sad. Old habits die hard, and it was exceedingly difficult for him not to apologize each time Chess panicked.
"Of course we are, sweets," Liv assured him. "We're just taking a few minutes to breathe and make sure everyone is okay before we finish getting ready."
He nodded, but he didn't seem convinced. The captain sighed, an idea striking her. "I forgot the cake at the store. I have to go back. Do you want to come with me, T-man?" Maybe some quality time away from his recovering sister would be good for him.
"Okay." Benson could tell he was trying to act nonchalant, but it was clear he was enthused by the prospect.
"Yeah? We can have some Mommy/Tony time. Sound good?"
He nodded, this time with more obvious excitement. "Mhm."
"Okay, grab your shoes, T." She turned to her wife as he darted off, and pulled her up by her hand, capturing her lips in a lingering kiss. "Are you sure you're okay, love?" Liv asked carefully, letting her nose brush against Amanda's and noticing the residual pallor of her skin. The blonde nodded quickly, swallowing as she took a moment to hold her wife's forehead against hers. The sound of the balloon popping had scared her as well, but she'd found that she experienced something of a "mom override", where she could pull herself out of her own fear in order to protect and comfort her children. Still, she needed to acknowledge her own "remembering", especially if she wanted to serve as a good example for her kids. Taking a moment to allow Olivia's voice and touch to soothe her was exactly what her panicking heart was craving. She nodded once more as her wife kept her eyes locked with hers, pressing one more kiss against her lips. The older woman squeezed Amanda's hand as Tony came bounding down the stairs. "Call me if you need me, baby. We shouldn't be long."
"I'm okay," the blonde promised once more.
"I know," Olivia said, but she also knew that Amanda had put her needs aside in order to care for Francesca, which was more than reasonable, but she still deserved to feel safe. The woman had been officially diagnosed with PTSD when she started seeing a therapist a few weeks after Patton's sentencing, and though her symptoms were generally mild these days, it was something she still struggled with from time to time, and the SVU captain could tell when she was having a bad day. The case she'd been prosecuting was an especially egregious one, and because she'd been so busy with preparations, she hadn't left much time for self-care. Olivia always made a point to check in with her, to remind her to check in with herself. She pressed a quick kiss to her forehead and then her nose. "I love you," she whispered against her lips.
"I love you too," Amanda replied, aware of what her wife was doing. She was genuinely okay. The balloon had startled her, and the urge to give in to the threatening adrenaline rush was intense, but she had breathed through it and focused on what needed to be done. Taking care of Francesca had kept her from being engulfed in the terror of a flashback, an ability she was grateful for, though of course she wished Chess didn't need this kind of comfort.
In times like these, Liv often took Tony for some one-on-one time. He needed the reminder that he was still a child and his sister's well-being wasn't his responsibility, but that was also a hard habit to break for the boy—the two children had been taking care of each other in this way since they were barely old enough to talk. When they'd arrived at Amanda and Olivia's home, they communicated with each other almost exclusively using twin speak, something that was a conglomeration of English, Spanish, and an entirely made-up language.
After Liv and Tony had left, Amanda asked the little girl if she wanted her to braid her hair. Chess loved being fussed over, and having her hair done by one of her mothers was one of her favorite things. It made her feel special and taken care of. "So, that balloon popping earlier was scary, huh?" the prosecutor asked her daughter after a few minutes, wanting to encourage her to talk about how she was feeling.
"Yeah." Francesca reached up to scratch at the top of her head. "It was loud."
"It was loud," Amanda agreed. She knew they needed to go deeper than just facts. Both of them often tried to get away with keeping these conversations on the shallow side, both Rollins and Francesca worrying that they were making those around them sad. "Did it make you think of something else that was scary?"
She was quiet for a few seconds. "Miss Danielle says that can happen sometimes."
Amanda was glad that Chess's therapist was on the same page as the two women, the three of them working as a team when it came to helping the child understand why things like loud noises scared her. "She's right. And you're not the only one. It happens to me, too."
"It does?" The blonde had vaguely shared with both kids that something scary had happened to her a few years ago, but she didn't often bring it up in conversation. She never wanted to lie to the twins, but as brilliant as both of them were, they were still young children, and she wanted them to have the gift of innocence for as long as possible. It was the most delicate balancing act, discussing trauma with four-year-olds—which is how old the twins were when they moved in with the SVU sergeant and the SVU detective who at the time moonlighted as a law school graduate—and then five-year-olds and six-year-olds. As they grew, so did their understanding of the world and their place in it. Amanda planned on sharing more in-depth information about her assault with the kids as they aged and asked questions, but for now, the main purpose of Chess knowing about her mom's PTSD was rapport building.
"Uh huh. It doesn't happen as much as it used to, but sometimes loud noises like that really scare me."
Francesca thought for a moment. Miss Danielle had told her that talking to her moms was a good thing, that it would help her feel better. "It made me think about Daddy."
"That sounds really scary. Do you wanna talk about it?"
"Not really." She shook her head, turning around to face her mom once her hair was finished. Ever the observant child, Francesca recalled the words that the judge had said earlier. "I want to be happy today."
Amanda also wanted to be happy, and she was exquisitely happy, but she also knew that adoption, as beautiful as it was, was born out of loss. Tony and Chess had experienced too much loss in their six years of life, too much sorrow, too much hurt. Rollins knew what that was like, and because she carried that pain with her always—due to her lack of access to essential services like therapy as a child—nothing was more important to her than helping her kids acknowledge what they'd been through. The sooner they let themselves go through it, the sooner they were led through the darkness with the promise of love and a flashlight, the sooner they'd be at the other end. "I want you to be happy today too, sweet pea. But sometimes it's hard to be happy unless we talk about the things that make us feel not happy."
Wordlessly, Francesca threw her arms around Amanda's neck. "I love you, Mama."
"Oh, I love you too, sweet girl."
A few minutes after Tony and Olivia returned with the cake, Alex rang the doorbell, barely making it through the threshold before the twins were both excitedly holding on to each of her legs. "Oh, wow. I was previously unaware of being a tree."
Amanda looked up to see the older woman holding onto the wall for desperately needed balance. "Hey guys," she told the children, "let's make sure Aunt Alex is okay with us climbing her before we do it." She turned to the woman and said, loud enough for the twins to hear, "You don't have to say yes."
The older blonde looked down at the two begging faces below her, and her heart melted. "Sure, I'll be a tree today."
At her response, Amanda beckoned both children over to her, kneeling to be at eye level. "Guys, I know you wanna play, and that's fine, but let's remember that Alex is actually a person, not a tree, so if she asks you to let go of her—"
Tony knew this one. "We stop!"
Amanda looked to Francesca to be sure she came to the same conclusion. "You stop, yes?"
"Uh huh!" The little girl giggled, and Amanda couldn't help but beam at the first genuine smile she'd seen on her daughter's face in several hours. "We wanna climb the tree! Can we go play?"
"Okay, babies. Go play." She returned to her feet and addressed Alex, both of her legs wrapped in small child. "If you're okay with occupying these two, I'm gonna be in the kitchen. Let me know if you have problems." She chuckled as she was given a thumbs up, and went to go cut some apples for the fruit tray.
"Can I ask why our children are scaling the Manhattan District Attorney like a skyscraper?" Olivia entered the kitchen after a few minutes, grabbing her own apple to begin cutting in tandem with her wife.
"Oh, she's a skyscraper now?" Amanda laughed. "When I left, she was a tree."
Liv shook her head fondly. As the older prosecutor rose in rank from ADA to chief ADA, subsequently winning her bid for the office of New York County DA, she had actually softened, becoming closer to both women, and eventually choosing to disclose to Olivia, a decision she never once regretted. Alex was as professional as they came, but she had a heart of gold, and she was coming to realize that being warm wasn't mutually exclusive with being tough as nails. Being around the twins, two kids who epitomized "tough as nails" and still led joyful existences, had greatly helped with that realization. Benson knew Alex could take care of herself, and obviously her wife wouldn't have let the children continue their jungle gym game if the District Attorney wasn't completely on board, but she didn't remember ever being that imaginative as a child. A leg was a leg. "That doesn't address why they're climbing her though."
Amanda shrugged. "She said they could."
"Of course she did," the captain sighed in understanding. "I mean—"
"—Have you seen their little faces when they beg? It's ridiculous. I let Francesca have ice cream for lunch because she asked so nicely. We need to work on sayin' no to them."
"Ah, don't be so hard on yourself, 'Manda." Liv paused her cutting to look at her wife, the other woman meeting her compassionate gaze. "She probably needed the sugar after the adrenaline rush, and it's adoption day. So, it's not the most well-rounded day food-wise in a lifetime of days. It's important that they know they can ask for things."
The blonde nodded in agreement, but she wasn't quite sufficiently appeased. "But it's also important they learn how to hear the word 'no'."
"I hear you," Olivia acknowledged, knowing her wife was likely beginning to spin. "But they're not even seven, love. They've been through so much, and they're still learning boundaries. It's a process, like everything else."
"I just don't want to fail them." Amanda, though she never allowed herself to admit it, had always wanted to be a parent. She'd always wanted to nurture a child as they grew, always wanted to love someone that much, but she was terrified of not being better than her own mom and dad. She was scared she'd end up in an abusive relationship, and her kids would learn that violence was an expression of love. She was afraid of being trapped in a reality that would force her to bring up her children in a toxic situation, and though she felt a lot more compassion for her mother now than she'd used to, it wasn't a part of her history that she ever wanted to repeat.
"We're not going to fail them," she promised, aware of Amanda's concerns. After the younger woman sliced her last apple, the brunette pulled her into a hug. "We don't have to be perfect every day," she hummed into Amanda's neck, tenderly rubbing her back. "Today, it's only important they know we love them. And I think they do."
At that moment, Alex came in, wearing two children as pants. She sauntered into the kitchen, swinging her legs in turn, much to the delight of the twins attached to her. "I think these belong to you."
"Alright, guys," Olivia announced, holding up an apple slice. "Release the tree. The first person who grabs this apple can have it."
When Carisi, Fin, and Kat arrived, the commotion in the Benson household grew tenfold, Francesca immediately running into Carisi's arms. "Come here, munchkin," he invited. "Can I pick you up?"
"Uh huh."
The detective swung the little girl through the air, both of them laughing heartily. "Big hug." He passed her off to Kat, who happily placed her down on the ground, kneeling to hug her at the child's level.
"Hey!" Fin pushed himself through the crowd, wanting his turn to greet the new family. "It's Francesca and Anthony Benson, my favorite Bensons!"
Olivia shoved his arm playfully after the man wrapped them in a group hug. The blonde smiled at the sound of the twins' new legal name. The two women had decided that their children's last name would be Benson because Amanda didn't feel the need for her father's name to go on, and though the relationship that the older woman had with her mother had been tumultuous, it did have its good moments, and that was more than Amanda could say about either of her parents. It just felt right, and it was far better than hyphenating the names and forcing their Mexican/Italian adopted daughter with two moms to respond to Francesca Rosabella Gutierrez Rollins-Benson every day for the rest of her life.
Fin reached into his pocket, revealing a deck of cards. "Hey, guess what? I brought Uno!"
After he'd won Uno, the sergeant left the remaining three players to vie for second place, pausing in his journey into the kitchen when Francesca stood up. "Uncle Fin! Where are you going?" She placed her hands on her hips indignantly, huffing as she waited expectantly for an answer. God, she was just like her mothers.
"Just takin' a break, princess. Show 'em who's boss." He left the living room completely, placing himself within the group of women, who were conveniently out of earshot of Carisi and the two children. "Hey, can I join your lesbian circle?"
"I'm not a lesbian, Fin." Kat rolled her eyes. "And no. You don't qualify."
"Why? Cause I have a dick?"
Kat's eyes landed on Amanda's, both women shaking their heads. The blonde knew what the officer was thinking: You see this guy? "No! Because you're a man."
He looked to Alex, hoping for legal help. "Is that not what I just said?"
She shrugged, sipping her water. "You're on your own, Sergeant."
Kat stepped forward, clapping him on the shoulder. "Once you learn to think before you speak," she said slowly, turning up the condescending tone, "we'll reconsider your membership. Now, go help Francesca win Uno, and leave us alone." She gave him a few more pats, and then she shoved him in the direction of the card game.
Amanda crossed her arms over her chest, amused. "Wow, Kat. You don't mess around."
"It's 2020, and he works for SVU. We shouldn't have to teach him these things."
None of the other women could disagree. Olivia held up her glass. "To Officer Tamin. The badass who is not a lesbian."
Alex raised her glass in kind, chuckling lightly. "To not a lesbian!"
After the party had ended and the twins had been put to bed, Olivia entered their bedroom where the blonde was finishing up putting on her pajamas. "Are they asleep?" Amanda asked.
Liv nodded, reaching into a few drawers to grab her own night clothes. "They're both sleeping so hard I felt the need to watch Tony's breathing for a few seconds. Hey, we never made a plan for tomorrow. Do you have to be in court?"
"Yeah," she sighed, "I have three arraignments first thing."
"For SVU?"
Amanda crossed her arms over her chest, her brow furrowing incredulously. "Do I prosecute for another division no one told me about?"
"Okay, easy, counselor," Benson laughed, pulling off her blouse. "I guess my question is—do I know about these cases?"
"Uh." Amanda thought for a moment, pulling the bristles of her brush thoroughly through her hair. "Subway groper. Columbia rapist. State congressman. The usual."
Liv paused in her mission to pull up her underwear, realizing she only recognized the first two perps. "Whoa, whoa, whoa. Nobody told me about the congressman."
"You gotta take that up with your squad, Captain. Regardless, yeah, I'm in court tomorrow."
She decided to let it go for the time being. She'd definitely find out more about what was sure to be a high-profile case relatively soon. "Okay, well then I can take Chess to her therapy appointment in the morning—"
"—And I'll pick them up from school at 3 and bring Tony to swim practice," Rollins finished, tossing her hairbrush onto the counter by their mirror. "Can you do dinner?"
"Got it," she confirmed. After Olivia had pulled on a T-Shirt, the captain wrapped her arms around Amanda's waist from behind, resting her chin on the younger woman's shoulder. "Cragen called."
"Oh, how is Don?" The blonde laid her hands over her wife's arms, humming softly.
"He's good. Said he's sorry he couldn't be there today and that we'll get together soon."
"Cool, that sounds good."
Amanda sighed, allowing herself to fully savor the moment. For the past several weeks, it had been go, go, go, and she hadn't had a chance to bask in the here and now in quite some time. If someone had told her seven years ago—as she testified in her rapist's trial—that she'd one day be discussing her upcoming arraignments with her wife, who was also the mother of her children, she wouldn't have believed it. It's not that everything was perfect, her life would never be perfect, but she was happy. She was overwhelmingly, gloriously happy. So much so that her bad days were only blips in the grand scheme of things. She had the life that as a child, she'd consciously forbidden herself from desiring. And it was better, more rewarding, more fulfilling, more joyful than she could have ever imagined.
As the silence lingered between them, Olivia decided to check in. Sometimes Amanda chose to be quiet just so she could process. But the brunette still wanted the honor of being granted access to her love's thoughts. "Hey. What are you thinking about?"
The ADA smiled softly, knowing that Liv would always worry about where her thoughts went when she was quiet like this. "How happy I am. How much I love you and our family. How grateful I am that I'm alive and healthy, and we're all safe. I just want this feeling to last forever."
"We have time, love."
"I know."
Amanda smiled to herself at the feeling of Olivia's fingers migrating to the underside of her wrist. It had become something of a habit for the older woman to fill a quiet moment with the gentle beating of her wife's heart, and though it was still comforting, it wasn't as desperately needed as it had used to be.
"Well, your pulse is fast," she observed, grinning and pressing a kiss directly over the rapid beat coming from her carotid artery.
"Can you blame me?" Amanda breathed. "We've both been so busy, I don't think you've been this close to me for this long in weeks. I miss you. Apparently, my heart misses you too."
"Mm. We need to make a point to create time for one another."
"Well, we have time right now," she suggested, cloudy eyes meeting Olivia's through the full-length mirror as she slowly guided the other woman's right hand down her torso, pausing the journey at the elastic waistband of her pajama pants.
The brunette chuckled, raising both eyebrows and pressing a kiss to the nape of her wife's neck. "Are you sure you want to do this? You must be exhausted."
"I am pretty tired," Amanda conceded, squeezing Liv's hand. "But I'm not too tired for this."
Olivia let her hand migrate further down her wife's body, her fingers slowly moving underneath her underwear and meeting beckoning warmth. The woman reveled in the sights and sounds involved in Amanda letting go, relaxing into the loving touch, and trusting her completely.
It didn't take long for the ADA's legs to start shaking. It never did. She chuckled lightly, preparing to suggest they move to the bed. But Olivia was enjoying watching her wife through the mirror.
"Lean into me," the older woman gently instructed, holding Amanda securely against her with her left arm. "I won't let you fall, I promise."
And it was a promise she'd never broken. Olivia had never once let her fall, at least not without swearing to catch her at the bottom of the cliff. The safety of the moment was breathtaking, and the blonde eagerly surrendered to it.
Amanda knew that when she boiled everything down, this was all that mattered. Her wife, her children, having a job she loved, finding purpose—that's how she made the transition from victim to survivor. That's how thriving was possible. As she pondered these things, Olivia holding her close as she always did, she realized this was what the brunette had meant when she promised her there would be life beyond the hard moments, that there would be light beyond the darkness.
This, this was light.
"Do not be dismayed by the brokenness of the world. All things break. And all things can be mended. Not with time, as they say, but with intention. So go. Love intentionally, extravagantly, unconditionally. The broken world waits in darkness for the light that is you."
― L.R. Knost
A/N: Here we are, friends. The end of this story. I really enjoyed writing Something Good, but this story in particular was truly a passion project for me. I've loved this journey deeply, and I am so appreciative towards all of you—anyone who's helped me find typos, given me advice about anything, left a comment, or even read at all. If you haven't reviewed yet, I would love to hear your thoughts. I take them all into account moving forward.
As for what I'm writing next, I have one more chapter of Dirt in the Carpet to write. I also plan on posting a series of one-shots that exist in the In the First Degree universe (things like Amanda going to therapy, the day they first met the twins, Olivia finding out about Alex, etc.) So if you're interested in that, please feel free to make requests. The other thing is I have an idea for an Alex/Olivia centric story that would take place around the episode "Guilt" in season 3, so let me know if you're interested in that idea. In the meantime, if you haven't read Something Good and its one-shots yet, that's an option.
I would love to hear your final thoughts about this story.
All the thanks in the world,
Gabby