The following weeks were as busy as ever and the team was left reeling in the wake of it. JJ being ripped away left the team in a world consumed in endless work and an undeniable sense of loss. Emily couldn't decide which of her problems was more pressing, so she did as she always did and slipped behind her mask, treading forward before she had time to falter.

Walking into the BAU was like walking on glass. Hotch was under a considerable amount of stress and Emily was impressed by how well he held it in. Rossi was withdrawn and Morgan was distracted by Ellie, a now orphaned girl who they managed to save on a case. Garcia clung to Emily more than ever before, as if she would suddenly disappear as JJ had. What really nagged at Emily was how Reid was behaving more odd than normal.

Some days he came into work nearly cheerful, rambling on like always before she even had a chance to comprehend what he was lecturing about. Other days, he'd behave sulky and quiet, barely able to hold a conversation unless it concerned a case. Either way, she couldn't keep up with him. He was pulling her into his unpredictable moods and knocking her off balance with her hopeful need to see him happy again.

After the night at the bar, she made a promise to herself that she was going to gain some control over her feelings. She couldn't deny her attraction to Spencer Reid anymore, or the feelings that came with it, but she could play it safe and take it slow. She did what she was actually good at and compartmentalized. Her heart was fickle at the best of times, and she couldn't let someone like Reid be tossed in the middle of that mess. At least unless she was sure her crush wasn't a fleeting fancy that she was merely indulging on in her loneliness.

One morning, Emily brought in a box of donuts. If that didn't cheer everyone's moods even a little bit, she didn't know what would. They gathered in the kitchen chatting aimlessly about their weekends, everyone except for Reid. He was sitting at his desk, coffee in hand, staring at his computer screen. Emily grabbed a napkin and reached into the box of donuts for the chocolate one with sprinkles. It was the one she had gotten specifically for him. Dismissing herself from the conversation, she approached him at his desk and perched herself at the edge of it.

He gave her a weak smile that was gone almost as soon as it came. The circles under his eyes were more prominent and she knew he probably hadn't been sleeping much.

"You know," she said, "it helps if you turn the computer on."

He blinked and reached in front of him to click the monitor on, but didn't say anything. Emily frowned, but remembered the donut in her hands and offered it to him.

"I brought your favorite before they dug their claws in."

"Thanks, Emily," he said, and took it from her hands and placed it on the desk next to his keyboard. He turned in his chair to face her direction and she felt her smile falter, but she pressed on.

"Hey, you okay?"

He shrugged his shoulders and reached for his coffee. "Why wouldn't I be?"

Emily didn't like the way he seemed small sitting in his chair. His shoulders slouched and head hung down low. It was unsettling.

"I've never seen you reject a chocolate donut before," she tried. He picked it up and took a small bite before returning it to his desk. Emily stared at it and felt weirdly rejected by his dismissal of it. What was bothering him so much?

"You know you can talk to me, right?"

He nodded his head and the gesture felt more like a dismissal than anything else. They sat in silence for a few moments and the air between them filled with awkward tension. Emily clapped her hands on her knees and lifted herself to a standing position. It looks like it would be one of those moody days and she refused to try to pull it out of him like he was a child. "All right. Well, I'm around, okay?"

She turned to walk away when she heard him speak. "Hey, Emily," he said. "How do you go on like everything is fine?"

"I- well, I don't, Spence. I just stuff all my problems in a little box and hope it gets better." Like my relationship with my mom, the terrible truth of my past, and my feelings for you, she finished in her head. She wished she had an answer that was actually helpful, but all she could offer him was the truth...well, most of it, anyway.

"I see," he muttered. He picked up the donut with newfound energy and began eating it with vigor. That's more like the Spencer Reid she knows. "And how does that work for you? Does it get better?"

She raised an eyebrow and chuckled. He should probably take advice from someone better able to handle their shit. "Honestly? Probably not, but whatever gets me through the day, ya know?"

"I haven't been sleeping very well," he admitted.

"Are you still upset about JJ leaving?"

"I think so. Part of it anyway."

It didn't take a profiler to know that he had deep-seeded abandonment issues. If someone should be able to catch a break in life, it should be him. The universe had not been particularly kind to him.

"She didn't leave us willingly, Spencer. You know that."

He let out a deep breath and looked away from her. All she wanted to do was make him feel better, but she was clearly failing at it.

"Is that supposed to make the situation any better? The fact that she was forced to leave?"

"Well, no. Of course not. But she's still around."

She couldn't tell if he believed her words or not. He just leaned back in his chair, his eyebrows furrowed together. Maybe she was the one in denial. She hadn't let herself be too preoccupied with JJ's absence because she believed that Hotch would manage to get her back eventually, but maybe that was wishful thinking on her part.

"Spencer, look at me," she said. When he didn't, she reached her arm out and tucked her hand carefully under his jaw. She turned his head in her direction until he met her gaze. Letting her fingers fall away from his face, she noticed how vulnerable he looked. He really did not handle change well. She had seen the same look on his face when Gideon left. "You are her son's godfather. Try not to worry, okay? You're family to her."

She was relieved to see his lips curve up into a small smile. At least she said one right thing today. What she wouldn't do to see that smile.

He seemed to internalize her words and the tension between them evaporated. "Yeah, I suppose you're right," he said. "Sorry for acting like an idiot this morning."

"I think your IQ score makes you the exact opposite of an idiot, genius."

Over the next week, Reid was considerably less moody.

*.-*

Send to: Jjareau

Jen,

How's your promotion working out for you? They better be treating our girl special over there at the fancy Pentagon office. You thought we were busy before? I could laugh at that. We're up to our heads in cases and paperwork. Hotch doesn't know what to do about filling the void that you left. Hopefully he won't have to worry about it for long, right? I'm still super proud of you whether you wanted to leave or not. Go kick their ass for us. Show them the BAU does NOT mess around.

We miss you here. I miss you. So much is different now. Morgan is obsessed with that sweet girl Ellie, not that I can blame him. You saved her, JJ. No wonder the top brass wants you. Assholes.

Reid is being...well, like you would probably expect. You know how he is. He thinks you've abandoned him and all that. I did my best to tell him what an idiot he was being to think that. Don't worry, I was nice. Guess I learned a thing or two about dealing with our doctor from you. ;) I know you're probably busier than us right now, but maybe think about giving him a call back when you can? Maybe he'll start lecturing us about how quantum physics and magic are the same again. Or different. Or whatever it is. He really talks too fast to keep up with sometimes.

Give my best to Henry and Will.

Love you,

Em

*.-*

The team had just returned from a case in Ohio where the unsub was in the swinger's lifestyle with his wife. The guy was spiraling out of control and Emily had offered to do what needed to be done. She distracted him by attempting to flirt with him so they could gain control over the situation. It had worked out the best they could hope for in the end, but the nagging feeling in the pit of her stomach hadn't left her as they flew home.

She dropped into her seat at the desk when they arrived back at the BAU. Emily could handle many things without a second thought, but anytime she had to use sex or the suggestion of it to their advantage, she felt sick. It reminded her of Doyle and the part of herself that she let die when it was all over. She hated having reminders of it.

She reached into her pocket and pulled out her phone. She missed JJ more than she anticipated and felt the need to email her more than she thought. It was almost like she had disappeared. Emily pushed the helpless thought in her head that she wasn't Henry's Godparent...she needed to put in more effort into staying relevant in her life. She hadn't had much luck getting ahold of JJ by phone and the email she received back in return was short, as if she couldn't take the time to give a proper response. She'd just have to flood her inbox so her friend would know she wasn't going away that easily.

Send to: Jjareau

Guess what I just had to do for a case.

"Hey, missy! Who are you sending love messages to?"

Garcia ran to her, her heels stomping on the carpet with the rest of the team trailing behind her. She snatched the phone from Emily's hands and she watched as her excited smile faded. Emily gave her a smug look. Nothing exciting to see here.

"Oh. Love emails to JJ," Garcia said, and gave her the phone back. "Have you had any luck getting ahold of her?"

Emily shrugged her shoulders. "I will eventually."

"I got a phone call," Reid said. "That's it though."

"I'm sure she's just busy settling into her new position," Emily said. At least JJ had given him a call like she asked. No wonder he was much less moody lately.

"What did you have to do for the case?" Garcia asked. Emily furrowed her eyebrows at the question. "In the email. You were saying 'guess what I had to do for the case.'"

"Oh, nothing. I was just venting, I guess. It's nothing."

"Is it because of the kill shot?" Morgan asked. "Because you know it had to happen."

"No," Emily answered. She hesitated before continuing. "I mean, that always sucks, but I just don't like flirting with an unsub who's murdered countless people. Kinda makes me feel sick."

Emily let out a nervous laughter and felt Garcia's hand on her shoulder. Garcia grabbed Morgan by the arm and pulled him out of ear range. It seemed like they were up to no good.

"Well, Emily," Reid murmured, "Sometimes people need to be utilized to their strengths."

Utilized to their strengths? What the hell was that supposed to mean? She frowned at him.

"And what exactly is that supposed to mean?"

He eyed her with a look that she couldn't quite decipher. The air between them seemed to thicken with tension-filled with moments they silently agreed to not speak of. Maybe Spencer Reid wasn't as obtuse to romantic suggestions as she had initially thought, but it was safer to assume that he was.

"You know what I mean."

His voice was barely a whisper and she felt scrutinized under his gaze. Her mouth fell open, but she felt unsure what to say, so she closed it again. Her face began to flush in embarrassment. Did he expect her to defend herself or give an explanation for her recent behavior?

"Okay, Emily, don't think we'd just gloss over your birthday." Garcia reappeared suddenly with Morgan by her side. Their smiles made the tension in the air evaporate around her, but she couldn't seem to swallow the lump caught in her throat. "We are going out. Right now!"

Emily groaned. "Penelope, no. I stopped celebrating after 30."

She glanced at Reid but his attention was turned towards Garcia. One hand was shoved in his pocket and the other clutched the strap on his bag. He looked as if they had been discussing coffee bean flavors or something equally as mundane before Garcia had interrupted them. The sight made her shift in her seat.

"Nonsense. We need to celebrate," she said with a wave of her hand.

"My birthday was two days ago. Looks like you missed your mark." Garcia's smile deflated on her face. When Emily noticed her mouth pop back open to retort, she raised her hand to silence her and smiled. "But since I appreciate the effort, maybe we can all catch a movie instead?"

Emily released a silent breath and felt her shoulders relax when Garcia gave in and Reid nodded his head, indicating he would go. Garcia elbowed Morgan and he cleared his throat.

"Um, Emily...do you remember my friend Chris from the gym?"

"Yeah..."

"Well, he has been blowing up my phone about you and he asked me to pass this along." Morgan slapped down a torn piece of paper on her desk with a scribbled phone number written on it. Emily stared at the paper and squirmed in her seat. She hadn't given him a second thought since that day at the gym. Had she just completely missed his interest in her?

Emily slid the paper away from her towards the edge of her desk and chuckled. "Not gonna happen."

Garcia took a step forward and pushed the paper back in front of her. "Em, I've done my research and he is a hunky construction worker. It doesn't hurt to at least think about calling him."

Emily stood from her chair and slung her purse across her shoulder, ignoring the paper. "Maybe I'm just not interested, okay? I thought we were going to a movie?"

Morgan and Garcia exchanged a look and Emily couldn't help but roll her eyes. They lead the way out of the bullpen talking about the movies that were in the theaters. Why did they have to do that in front of Spencer? And he had been oddly quiet throughout the exchange. She followed them out, walking beside Reid in an uncomfortable silence.

"You should call him," Reid said.

Emily felt her heart drop. Maybe she had seriously misjudged their interactions. Had he ever really done or said anything that was more than friendly towards her? Perhaps her feelings had cast a nonexistent cloud of serious misjudgment on her part.

"Y-you think so?"

They reached the elevators where Morgan and Garcia stood waiting. What happened to Rossi and Hotch? She was so focused on analyzing what Reid was thinking at her desk that she didn't even notice they weren't there. She really needed to reel herself back into reality.

"It'd be the nice thing to do, wouldn't it?"

Emily felt deflated. He couldn't be that obtuse about what a phone number meant, could he? Maybe he just didn't care who she dated. The thought left her feeling bruised.

"I don't think he wants to chat about the weather, Spencer."

When the elevator doors popped open with a ding, she saw him shrug his shoulders and shuffle in the elevator. Maybe she should call Morgan's friend after all…

*.-*

Send to: Jjareau

Hey JJ. We all still miss you. You didn't forget about us, right?

You'd be proud of me. I went on an actual date and no, the world did not crumble around me. Morgan's friend Chris passed along his number and I broke and called. But don't get too excited! Before you ask: No, I did not get laid and no, I don't think I want to pursue date #2.

It wasn't bad or anything. We had dinner like normal adults. We had wine and did the awkward getting-to-know-you routine. He's nice enough and he looked good, but I realized I was more interested in the food than him. I'm terrible, right? That's probably why I don't date.

I don't know what's up with me JJ. I can hear you lecturing me right now. I don't want a fling and like I told you, dating is too hard around work right now. I know you and Will managed it just fine, but you said the two of you had an instant connection, didn't you? That's why you made it work. I know you'd be just like me and not even bother with the mess of it all unless you felt something.

I thought maybe I felt a little bit of that with someone, but I think I was wrong. But it's fine. I'm fine otherwise. I think I'm going to get a cat after all.

Take care and call me back!

Love,

Em

Emily clicked send and started on the stack of files on her desk that needed looking over. It had been a long few weeks. They had just gotten back from Detroit where the unsub had been burning people alive. It was a hell of a case and a few days off for the weekend was well needed.

She closed the folder and put it aside.

*-.*

Emily didn't know how she wound up standing in front of Reid's door. The team managed to crack the case in enough time to make it home for Halloween night. She had decided to drive to the local shelter that evening to adopt a cat, but when she arrived the place was already closed for the night. She headed to the grocery store for wine when she passed the aisle of Halloween candy. When she spotted Reid's favorite lollipops, a ping in her chest overwhelmed her senses. He loves Halloween and work took his Halloween weekend plans away from him. Before she knew it, she was wrestling her way through the store isles holding lollipops, microwave popcorn, and a DVD of Night of the Living Dead.

Things had gone back to normal between them ever since he had suggested that she go on the date, though it took more energy out of her than she expected. Being friends with Reid had always been easy, but straddling the line between friends and a whisper of suggestion to something more was difficult for her to reel back in. She supposed she had managed to just fine in the weeks that had passed because she had to. Emily had always done well with keeping her composure.

She took a deep breath in and knocked, replacing her doubt with a smile. When he answered, her eyes took in his purple knit sweater with a ghost stitched into it. That must have been tucked away deep in his closet because she had never seen him wear it before. His eyebrows darted up on his forehead and his eyes glanced down to the bag in her hand. Maybe she should have called first.

"Emily...hey, hi. What are you doing here?"

"Hey, Spence." She cleared her throat. "Do you have plans tonight?"

He shook his head.

"Well, can I come in then?"

"Oh, yeah. Sure." He swung the door open for her and stepped back, allowing her access and locked the door behind her. "I'm confused. Don't you have plans tonight?"

"No, why would I? We just got back from a case." She placed the bag down on his kitchen counter and began grabbing the contents out one by one to show him. "Well, it doesn't compare to an Edgar Allen Poe puppet show or anything, but I got snacks and Night of the Living Dead. You in?"

Five minutes later, the air lingered with freshly popped popcorn and Spencer and Emily sat on the couch at a respectable distance. It was good. It felt like it had before Emily had started spiraling with her feelings for him, if not for the awkwardness in the pit of her stomach. She did her best to focus on the movie and ignore the feeling by casually stuffing handfuls of popcorn in her mouth. It worked for the most part unless Reid was interrupting at random moments to give background on the movie or zombie lore, but she found that endearing rather than annoying, and maybe that was a part of the problem.

When the movie was over, Reid reached for the remote and turned the volume down. The excitement spilled from his voice when he began to talk.

"Did you know that the 1932 film White Zombie is considered the first ever true zombie film in cinema?" He curled his legs and rested them on the couch so that he was sitting criss-cross and facing her. Emily instinctively adjusted herself so that her body was facing him. She knew that look on his face meant he was bubbling with excitement over what he was about to say.

"As cinema professor Jennifer Fey wrote in her essay, White Zombie reflected the US cultural consciousness at the time like colonial rule, unpaid slave labor, and the democratic injustices of the American Empire. The film's sensational tale of black magic and white bodies, traded on the lurid mixture of xenophobia, exoticism, and sexual slavery and all within the thrall of a form of cinematic possession. It was a standard that lasted for the years to come; zombie movies in American cinema harboring political and economic commentary of the time."

He tightened his lips in a wide grin and she took that as him assuring her he was done with his speech.

"That is really interesting. But I've never seen White Zombie, so I don't know how much I have to offer right now."

"It's definitely an interesting interpretation of the original source material. Maybe we can watch it together sometime." He averted his eyes to his legs and picked at his pants. The small gesture of nervousness brought Emily a sense of trepidation about possibly saying too little or too much.

"Yeah, that would be great!" She pat his knee for good measure. "I had a good time watching this with you."

"Thank you. I know you likely came here because I missed Halloween, but thank you."

Emily shrugged her shoulders and played coy before responding. "Maybe I just wanted to come here. You would do the same for me." She reached into the bag of lollipops and tossed one in his direction before taking one for herself.

She let her gaze fall to the credits rolling on the screen. An overwhelming urge to have the conversation they silently agreed to not have was creeping in the forefront of her mind. She thought she had shoved it away, but in their quiet moments alone together it resurfaced itself again. It was the way he understood her without her ever needing to explain herself. He brought a calmness and a stillness to her life that few had ever achieved, and he did it by being exactly who he was.

She heard him clear his throat before speaking and she was snapped out of her thoughts. He was holding the lollipop and twirling it between his fingers when he spoke.

"You don't have to answer, but why would you prefer to spend your evening with me rather than the man you're dating?"

"The man I'm dating?" Emily crunched the lollipop between her teeth and chewed to stop herself from laughing. She stole a glance at his face and his cheeks seemed flushed. Good.

"Um...Morgan's friend, right? Chris."

She laughed and pulled her legs onto the couch to mirror him. "Reid, one date weeks ago does not equal dating." She crossed her arms around her chest. "And I was practically forced into it."

"Oh...well, I'm sorry it didn't work out."

She waved her hand in front of her, brushing off the concern. "Don't be. Really. It wasn't going to work out anyway."

"Why not? Garcia said he was great."

She took a moment to think of which way to respond. She knew the reason deep down why she didn't give him a fair chance, but it wasn't something to outright admit to Reid without making it awkward again. "Sometimes you just know when it's right. At least I assume so. Why waste my time on something that I know won't work out? That's how things get messy, and I don't need the drama of it."

He stared at her with a look of either concern or intrigue, she wasn't sure. "So you're saying you'd just know if something was right romantically?"

"Maybe I just know if it's not right." Her eyes flicked to his for an instant before she glanced away to his flushed cheeks, the curls collapsing around his ears, and down to his lips. She wouldn't normally allow herself to indulge on taking him in, but there he was right in front of her and she couldn't look away. She swallowed thickly and uncurled her legs so she sat more comfortably. "But what do I know?" She laughed. "It's not like I have a great track record."

Reid leaned his torso forward and lowered his voice when he spoke. "Maybe you just have the kind of standards that you deserve to have."

If Spencer Reid was anyone else, she might have disregarded that comment, but he always spoke with such honesty and conviction. Hearing him speak those words to her caused her brain to spiral into too many thoughts for her to cling to a single one. All she could hear was the thumping of her heartbeat in her ears. All she could feel was the deep affection she had for the man sitting in front of her, close enough to reach. And so she did.

She slipped her hand into his like she had so many times before and relished in the warmth that spread through her at their physical contact, no matter how minimal it was. The intimacy of the moment spread into the space between them and for once, Emily didn't mind the vulnerability she allowed herself to feel.

"Spence, I-" She took a deep breath and smiled. "Thanks. That means a lot coming from you."

She pulled him into a hug, though she had to twist and lift herself to her knees to fall into it with ease. Her fingers curled into the hair at the back of his neck and she felt his chin rest on her shoulder. Knowing how apprehensive he was about physical touch and his willingness to allow her into his personal space made her bold and curious. The sheer possibility that he could hold affection for her that was beyond friendship compelled her to pull away from the embrace until she was just inches away from his face.

Emily leaned forward and pressed her lips against his, finally letting herself completely fall into the feelings that she kept tucked away. For the briefest of moments, he had no reaction at all and she considered pulling away as if it didn't happen. Then she felt his lips soften against hers and he gave a delicate pull against her own. It was shy and uncertain, but it was enough for her to know he was giving in, too.

She placed her other hand against his jaw and pulled him in closer. It seemed to anchor him to the moment as if to say, It's okay . She parted her lips and kissed him with more confidence, more determination this time and he opened his mouth just enough for her to slip inside. She could taste the sweetness from the candy on his lips. The feeling of being wanted by him lit her up like a flame as the need for more coursed through her body.

They broke apart when his hands snuck around her back and he uncrossed his legs as he pulled her closer. She dove back in and took his mouth more firmly and she nipped his lip gently and flicked her tongue over his lower lip, coaxing him into letting himself go completely; to feel and not think.

"Spence..." She breathed against his lips. She wasn't sure if it was a plea or a question, but the way he pressed his lips against hers seemed to say enough. He opened his mouth against her own and she pulled him into her. His breath was shaky but his hands gripped her tighter as she tugged at his hair. A gentle moan escaped his lips and she relished in the newness of every sound he made, and the taste of him as they moved together.

When they broke apart, they were breathing heavy and Emily placed one last peck of a kiss before she pulled away and looked into his eyes. He looked at her with an adoration that was so new to her that her heart rate continued rapidly. But then it fell into something more foreboding as his grip on her back loosened. She knew the moment was broken as the awkwardness and confusion set in.

His voice was soft and unsure. "Emily..." And he flicked his tongue over his lips as if reminding himself of what just happened. "I, well- I don't really know what just happened."

"I think they call it a kiss." She curled her lips in a smile that she hoped was reassuring. His cheeks flushed pink before his thumbs rubbed up and down her back before falling away completely. She pulled away from him and turned herself so she sunk into the cushion of the couch, releasing a deep sigh.

"Spencer, c'mon. Please don't be obtuse. You know what happened and I think you know why."

He ran his hand through his hair and furrowed his eyebrows together. Emily could tell he was lost deep in thought, probably coming to a hundred different conclusions at the same time.

"I mean, I wasn't really certain," he said. "You've been behaving a bit odd at times, but then other times just like always..." He glanced her way and frowned. "It's been confusing."

Emily groaned despite herself. She was afraid it would get awkward. "Spence, please don't make it weird if it doesn't need to be. I guess I've developed an attraction for you. That's why I've been flirting at times and behaving odd, as you put it."

"That's...unexpected," he chuckled. "Also flattering. But what does that mean now?"

She pat his knee gently. With each word he sounded uncertain and it chipped away bit by bit at her confidence. Maybe she should have mustered up the courage to talk to him first before she pounced. It might be best to let the cards settle before they have a deep conversation about any of it. She knew her head was spinning, at the very least.

"Look, it can mean whatever we decide it means. I don't regret it. So maybe we'll put a pin in this conversation for now. Does that sound okay?"

He nodded his head and gave her a half-smile that she decided was agreement enough for her. "I'm gonna head out… We can talk about this anytime, alright?"

"Y-yeah, yeah of course."

Emily gave him a quick peck on the cheek and lingered when his hand rubbed up and down her arm. The small gesture calmed the nerves that were threatening to bubble out of her. She stood up and collected her keys and wallet on the coffee table. "Goodnight, Spencer."

"Night, Em."

When she walked past him to the doorway, she turned her head at the sound of his voice once again drifting towards her. It stopped her quick escape in her tracks.

"Thank you for tonight, Emily."

He stood up from the couch and wrapped her into a warm hug that was gone almost as soon as it came. It felt like reassurance and comfort that they would be okay. She offered one last smile before she walked out the door thinking about his purple ghost sweater and floppy hair. She didn't know how she fell for Spencer Reid, but even in his most awkward moments, she never doubted the way he made her feel so much affection for him.

Author's Note

Sorry it's been so long, but it's been very hard mustering the motivation to do, well, much of anything. I promise I will not abandon this story! I love them too much. I hope you are staying safe, reader. I'll be back soon enough with an update! The mini-lecture about White Zombie was taken straight from an essay I found written about zombie cinema. Thanks for reading! I love you all for sticking with me.