A/N: Aren't you all lucky! I was in a particularly creative mood, so you get two chapters in one day.
oOo
Shite. Was the only word Hermione Granger, brilliant swot of the Golden Trio, could summon to her brain. The body bind currently immobilizing her had quickly become unnecessary, as soon as the hazel eyed Harry look-a-like had come bursting through the Floo she had been too shocked to think, let alone move.
That could not be James Potter. It simply could not. And that, that man, pointing his wand at Hermione, with grey eyes and black hair, could not be Sirius Black. Oh, no. This was a hallucination. She had accidentally drank a bottle of... of something! Surely there was an illicit potion involved in this. Or hell, maybe a Muggle drug. She had been poisoned. She had been drugged. Had she hit her head?
After petrifying her, the Sirius Black hallucination had sent out his patronus, and Hermione could not believe she hadn't just passed right out when she'd seen Harry's father walk through the Floo.
"I came as quick as I- Sirius! What the hell?!" The James Potter hallucination yelled, gesturing to where Hermione lay frozen on the floor. "Who is that? You can't just invite birds back to your house and then charm them! Well, I mean, I guess you can charm them but you can't charm them! And by the way, this does not count as a bloody emergency. You can't just-"
"What the- what are you talking about?" The Sirius Black hallucination cut him off. "I did not invite anyone to this house or to any house! Bird or otherwise. She was just here! She came running out of the kitchen yelling like a banshee-" I was most certainly not yelling like a goddamn banshee- " and scared me right out of my knickers."
The James hallucination seemed unconvinced. "I notice your knickers appear to still be on."
"Well obviously I slipped back into them so as not to frighten you."
If this is a hallucination, I mean, obviously it is, I can at least stop to give myself some props, because I am apparently fan-fucking-tastic at hallucinating details. Hermione thought to herself as she observed the way hallucination James cocked his eyebrow in the exact same manner she'd seen Harry do countless times.
"Use your brain, Potter. No one simply Floos into the dwelling of the Noble House of Black if I don't know who the fuck they are." The Sirius hallucination turned back to Hermione, his grey eyes narrow. "Those are ancient and arcane wards, I barely understand how they work, you can't just pass through them if a family member hasn't given you authorization."
The James hallucination looked between the Sirius hallucination and Hermione.
"You're sure you didn't pick her up at a bar and forget?"
"For Godric's sake, man! Get Moony before I hex your face off and leave your gorgeous wife a widow! I need to talk to someone who has a brain." The Sirius hallucination yelled, turning red in the face. "I should've sent for him first, but I mistakenly thought of your name in my panicked state."
"You need to calm down, mate. Lily says your temper can't be good for your blood pressure." The James hallucination rolled his eyes, but with a flick of his wand, sent a bright blue stag patronus out into the night.
"What the bloody hell is blood pressure?"
"To hell if I know, a Muggle thing I s'pose."
While this transpired before her, Hermione remained on the floor- can't I just be done with laying on the floor for one day?- observing the scene and slowly, but most certainly, going mad. She wanted to laugh or cry, either one, as long as she could express the intense feeling of utter insanity that was rapidly eclipsing all her other thoughts. Maybe she'd actually died at some point, maybe she was still asleep on the Ministry floor. If she wasn't petrified she would've pinched herself until she was covered in bruises to be certain.
The Floo roared to life again in a fit of green flames and a very young, very much alive, Remus Lupin stepped out of it. Now Hermione was truly shocked she had not fainted.
Can a body bind immobilize the urge to faint? Hmm, something to test later. Unless I have gone completely mad, in which case, I suppose I wont have to worry about shite like that anymore.
"I came as soon as- What the fuck! Why is there a woman on the floor?" The Remus hallucination turned to Sirius. "What did you do, mate?"
"What did I- what makes the two of you so convinced that this is my fault?" The Sirius hallucination waved his arms exasperated. "I come home, after a long night on duty, to a crazy witch in my house. She could be anyone! She could be a Death Eater or a St. Mungo's escapee! Should could've avada'd me! And you two, my best mates, all you two can think is that obviously I have done something wrong. This is bloody unbelievable."
"Whoa there, Pads." The Remus hallucination brought up his hands in a placating motion. "Let's just all calm down. You say you came home and this witch was already here?"
"Yes, I have been saying that this whole bloody time."
The Remus hallucination turned his mossy green gaze to Hermione, his lips drawing into a thin line, and took a cautious step towards her.
"But then how did she get passed the wards?" He asked, racking a hand through his shaggy brown hair.
"Exactly!"
With ease, the Remus hallucination dropped down into a squat next to Hermione, and examined her more closely. He moved her Auror robes to the side and gasped.
"Fuck." He turned to the two other Marauders in the room. "Did you take a look at her yet?"
"Well, I mean- I didn't- what are you implying, Moony?" The Sirius hallucination folded his arms across his chest.
"For Merlin's sake, get you head out of your ass." The Remus hallucination rolled his eyes. "No one is accusing you of anything lewd-"
"Right now." The James hallucination cut in and Sirius shot him a nasty glare.
"What I mean is, did either of you take a look at her robes?"
James and Sirius looked at each other, and then back at their friend, shaking their heads in tandem.
"I didn't know you were so interested in witch fashion, Lupin." James chortled.
"I can't believe I'm friends with the two of you." Remus squeezed the bridge of his nose and sighed before grabbing Hermione's robe and turning it towards them. "Take a look at this."
James and Sirius took a step closer, their eyes growing wide.
"That's a fucking Auror badge!" Sirius proclaimed, pointing his index finger at Hermione's badge; it was sewn into the left side of her official maroon robes, just above her heart. She'd honestly forgotten she'd been wearing them, this incredibly long and ludicrous day had stolen most of the sense right out of her.
"She's an Auror? Fuck." James scrubbed his face with his left hand and Hermione caught sight of a gold ring. "How did you not recognize her, Pads?"
"She must have stolen them or something. I've never seen her before." Sirius said confidently.
"So, either we're dealing with a witch capable of incapacitating a fully trained Auror and stealing their robes or we're dealing with an actual Auror who the esteemed Sirius Black does not recognize." James said, looking at Hermione with a new found weariness.
"Y'know, there's really only one way to know for certain." Remus stood up and Hermione realized he absolutely towered over his two friends.
"Call a legilimens?" Sirius asked.
"We're going to have to un-petrify her."
"See, the problem with that is if she is an Auror, despite this being my house and all, Kingsley is going to have my head for petrifying her."
"Sirius."
"Fiiiine. But I'm tying her up."
"Fair enough."
Sirius waved his wand and muttered "Incarcerous"; immediately Hermione could feel the tight pressure of bindings around her wrists and ankles and, despite everything, she realized she was actually annoyed that her hallucinations were not following proper Auror protocol. Maybe that was part of the realism of it, she couldn't imagine that Sirius Black, despite once being an Auror himself, had ever been much of a rule follower. With another flick of his wrist and a quiet "Relashio" Hermione's body slumped with release.
For what must have been two full minutes no one in the room moved or barely even breathed.
Hermione was thinking, oh gods she was thinking. She was thinking about every decision in her life that had led her down this path of complete hysteria. Was it Ron breaking up with her that had finally sent her over the edge or was it something else? Something small and unassuming, like that final proverbial straw that broke the camel's back. A tiny indiscretion that no one would remember later when they came to visit her in the psych ward at St. Mungo's, as her closest friends sniffled into little white handkerchiefs and lamented the fate of their poor, brilliant friend. Her mind had been her greatest asset, to lose it in this way was a true tragedy, they'd say between sobs.
If I'm going to sit here trapped in a delusion for the rest of my life, I'm sure as hell not going to do it thirsty.
Hermione shifted her weight and sat up slowly. The three wizards in the room tensed, Sirius and James reached for their wands, but Remus simply eyed the witch before him cautiously. Her hands were bound behind her back, so the trained Auror carefully twisted herself and pulled her arms, tied at the wrist, under her bottom and then pushed her legs through the circle of her arms as gracefully as possible. So, not gracefully at all. She grunted a few times, maneuvering herself to a sitting position with her legs and arms bound in front of her. The Marauders stared at her, opening gaping, but Hermione refused to be embarrassed by a few wizards who were just figments of her imagination anyway.
"Well," she said clearing her throat purposefully. "If you're going to keep me on the floor like this, then I must insist one of you fetch my tea for me from the table. It would be such a waste to let it get cold."
James again raised his eyebrow in the most Harry like way, his lips twitching at the corners.
"Now listen here, witch-" Sirius barked.
"No need to be rude, Mr. Black." Hermione drawled and James burst out laughing, moving towards the kitchen.
"Where are you going, Prongs?" Sirius demanded.
"I think the lady deserves her cuppa for putting you in your place." James chuckled before disappearing into the kitchen and reappearing with Hermione's tea in his hand. He carefully placed it close enough to the witch where she could grab it, but not close enough where she could've reached for him.
"I think you're all missing the severity of this situation." Sirius muttered.
"I find it hard to believe a Death Eater or really, anyone of nefarious intent, broke into your house and made a cup of tea with the intent to harm you." Remus said, but didn't take his green eyes off of Hermione.
"We don't know what kind of barmy bint"-excuse me, arsehole?-" this witch is." Sirius growled.
"And you continue your tirade of rudeness." Hermione said, struggling to keep the agitation from her voice. Really, there was absolutely no call for that sort of language. "If I'd known this, being petrified and then accosted with your foul language, was the welcome I was going to receive, I never would have come to visit the Noble House of Black."
James clapped his hands together and grinned widely.
"Death Eater or no, I think she's a bloody gift from the gods."
Sirius shot another of the nastiest glares Hermione had ever witnessed at his best mate.
"Why exactly have you come to visit the House of Black, Miss..." Lupin began to ask.
Hermione thought, for a moment, to make up a name or borrow one. If this was, by some outrageous twist of fate, not a hallucination, if Hermione had in fact found herself in the company of three actual Marauders, she wondered at the wisdom of sharing her true name with them.
And then she thought, fuck it.
"Granger. Hermione Granger." She responded between demure sips of tea.
"Okay, Miss Granger." Lupin repeated slowly, obviously rolling the name over to see if he recognized it. "Why are you here, at 12 Grimmauld Place?"
"I was looking for someone."
"Not Sirius?" Lupin asked.
"Obviously not or I wouldn't have been greeted in such an outrageous fashion. Or at least, I hope I wouldn't have been greeted in such an outrageous fashion."
"Well honestly, it's hard to say either way." James chortled and Sirius threw his hands up in disgust.
"Next time I'm not sending for either of you arses." He said coolly.
"The person I was looking for is not here, I seem to have arrived at the wrong house. So if you could untie me I'll be on my merry way." Worth a shot.
"I'm not so sure, Miss Granger." Lupin drawled.
Fuck.
"It does seem fairly clear that you weren't here looking to attack our good friend Sirius, but that doesn't explain how you got passed the Black wards."
"Or how you knew where my tea was." Sirius said suspiciously.
"Actually, I didn't know where the tea was, I had to accio it."
"Aha! So you're here to steal my tea!"
"I really hope you recognize the lunacy of that statement." Hermione said slowly, cocking her eyebrow. I've lost my fucking mind.
"Merlin's sake, Pads, as much as I would love to stand hear and listen to your sad attempts at getting this witch to confess to anything, I've got a wife and toddler at home I'd really like to see." James rolled his eyes and turned back to the Floo.
Wait, a-a toddler?
"I'm sorry to trouble you like this, gentleman, and I know this is going to sound odd, but if you could just humor me." Hermione began slowly, biting her bottom lip. "But what year is it exactly?"
The three wizards exchanged looks that Hermione decided she wouldn't try to translate. Finally it was Remus who spoke.
"1982, Miss Granger, it's 1982."
This time Hermione finally passed out.