In the end, it's Leo that finds him.
He doesn't say anything, but he doesn't need to because one look at the bathroom says it all. Raph figures that Mikey was trying to drain everything inside his body, with how much blood the tub was full of. He'd never seen so much of it, before. And as he drains the tub and scrubs away anything that's left there's a disconnect.
It doesn't feel like this all came from his brother. Just yesterday, they were talking about comic books and laughing about stupid things. Like they always do. Mikey was fine. He had seemed like Mikey.
But...did he really know who Mikey was?
He didn't know.
And while his brothers and father crowded in Donnie's lab, Raph cleaned. He didn't know what else to do. He didn't want to see his brother's sliced up wrists, and he didn't want to see Leo and Splinter cry, and he definitely didn't want to see Donnie frantically try to save a life that doesn't want to be saved.
So he scrubbed.
And he bleached.
And he ignored the tears that mingled in with the chemicals and the blood, and the hollowness he felt in his chest. If he dwelled on it, he feared breaking. And that's not something his family needed right now. But one thought lingered, and wouldn't go away.
What if Mikey died?
It's Leo, again, who finds another brother broken in the same bathroom. But Raph doesn't see or hear him. He's too busy scrubbing, and even though it's as white as it had been when Donnie first built it, Raph still felt like it wasn't clean enough. He still saw it, after all. The blood. Everywhere. And everytime he blinked the image stayed behind his eyelids.
"Raphael." Leo says in a strong voice that they both know is fake.
"What?" Raph replies, not once pausing in his efforts.
"Donnie...he...he managed to stabilize Mikey."
He slows down. How long had his arms burned this badly? And had the smell of bleach always been this strong? Raph blinks, and finally turns to look at Leonardo. The blue fabric around his eyes is darker than the rest, but other than that he shows know emotion. Perfectly blank. Raphael envies his ability to hide everything away.
"Is he gonna be okay?" Raph asks, letting the raw hope seep into his voice.
Leo closes his eyes, breathes in deeply, and then exhales. Raph watches this and feels his hope slipping away.
"We don't know."
Raph drops the brush he was holding. It makes a harsh thumping noise. "What do ya mean?" His voice breaks. "How can ya not know?" His entire body trembles, and he starts crying again for what seems to be the hundredth time that night.
Leo hugs him and Raph lets it happen.
He wants to be angry, like he usually is. He wants to feel that raw, unbridled passion coursing through him as he's swept away with emotions that feel like lava. But he just...can't. All he feels like is a horse with a broken leg. If Mikey dies, they might as well just shoot him in the head. He won't be able to handle it.
"Don't say that." Leo bites out. Raph reckons he's crying, too. And if he had the money to wager, he'd bet Donnie and Splinter ain't in a much better place. "If we...we. We can't handle losing another person, Raphie."
He chokes up at the use of the nickname, the one Mikey had given to him when they were teeny tiny.
"Ya know it's true." Raph whispers into the crook of his eldest brother's neck. "I won't be able to handle it."
And they both know when Raph wants something not a damned thing will stop him from getting it. Leo shudders, and clings tighter.
Donnie says that there's a good chance Mikey will never wake up again.
He had to go topside to steal all sorts of medical supplies, and Raph realizes that they were things meant to sustain life. There's so many tubes connected to his body that he sort of thinks Mikey looks like a robot. He's sure his brother would have thought it was cool.
But nothing about this situation is cool. He stares at Mikey's body, takes in how tired his face looks without the mask on. And every time he breathes, a machine Mikey's attached to beeps. If it wasn't for all of that, he'd have assumed he was sleeping peacefully.
Mikey's not dead.
But for some reason, a coma seems even worse.
Splinter sits next to his son in a chair, looking entirely too old. Or, perhaps he's always looked that old but never showed it. Or, most likely, Raph's taking the time to hyper analyze everyone in case he overlooks something. He'd overlooked Mikey's sadness, after all, and another failure was unacceptable.
Splinter's eyes remain glued on the wrappings on his son's left arm. Is he lamenting on his failure, as well?
He wrote all of them a letter.
Raphael could stare at his handwriting all day. It's beautiful, and elegant. He's the only one of them that bothered learning cursive, and he did it just because he thought it was pretty. April told him that if she ever got married, she wanted him to personally hand write all of her invitations. The two of them laughed about it and Mikey had promised he would.
It's kinda crazy how good Mikey is at breaking promises.
He wonders how April is going to react to the news.
Two weeks, four days, and six hours later and Mikey still doesn't stir.
Raphael dreams of bees and comic books, and of Mikey laying in his own blood asking him why he hadn't bothered saving him.
One month, two days, and twelve hours later, Raph finally snaps.
He screams and screams until his throat is raw. He breaks every piece of furniture in his room, tears down every photo he has of Mikey and violently shoves at everyone that steps near him. He's inconsolable.
When there's no more furniture to break, he turns to damaging himself. But he only manages to claw a fraction of the skin he wanted to, because someone hits the pressure points to his arms and he goes limp. It's Donatello, he realizes in a half crazed mind. The very person who couldn't get Mikey to fucking wake up.
"I hate ya!" He cries out as he's carried to Donnie's lab.
"I don't blame you." Donnie says.
Later, he apologizes and tells Donnie that he loves him deeply and that he didn't mean anything he said.
Donnie just smiles sadly at him.
One month, three weeks, six days, and nine hours later, April finds out.
She wanders into the lair with groceries in her hands and a big, chipper smile plastered on her face. Casey follows closely behind her, the loyal lap dog he is. Raphael is sitting on the couch, too much of a coward to be in the lab where Donnie is. Leo and Splinter are meditating in the dojo, clinging to what little normalcy they have left in their life.
Usually, Raph would be in dojo too, lifting weights. But he just ain't motivated enough. Hasn't been in over a month, to be exact.
"Hey, Raph." She greets as she walks over to the kitchen to deposit the groceries.
Casey wanders over to Raph and noogies him, but frowns when he doesn't get a response out of him.
"Where is everybody?" She asks. Raphael shrugs.
"Damn, buddy, somethin' the matter with you?" Casey asks.
Raph merely shrugs again, before remembering what Mikey had asked of him. Tell April and Casey I'm sorry. It was his very first request.
"He says he's sorry." He says without any context.
Casey quirks an eyebrow. "What?"
It's at this moment when Donnie chooses to come out of his lab. He probably knew April was coming long before she got here, considering the extensive levels of security he's put up. But Raph doesn't care.
Donnie says something and they leave the room. He keeps staring at the blank tv screen, even when he hears April cry out.
Two months, a week, four days, and three hours later the Incredibles comes out.
Raph sneaks into the movie theatres to watch it, because that was the second thing Mikey wanted him to do. He recalls when the trailer came out, and how excited he was to watch it. Superheros will probably always be his favorite thing.
Afterwards, he sits next to Mikey's bedside and tells him all about it. He starts with the plot, and then the characters, before moving on to talk about the scenes he liked the best. The entire time he talks to Mikey, he feels normal. Like nothing had ever happened.
And when he goes to sleep that night, he just dreams about being a bee with Mikey. Nothing more, and nothing less.
"What did he say to you?" Leo asks him one day.
By this point, Raph's lost count of the months and the days. All he knows is that it's been a long, long time since he heard Mikey laugh.
He's decided to join Raph on the couch. On the coffee table in front of them lays concept sketches and notebooks filled to the brim with ideas Mikey had for his comic books. Raphael is soaking them all in, because the very last thing he had wanted from him was for Raph to finish his series for him.
He knows that Mikey isn't dead. This isn't him fulfilling the wishes of the dead, it's him preparing a gift for when his brother wakes up.
(If he wakes up, his mind supplies.)
"Told me not to blame myself."
Leonardo smiles. "Same here. But I can't help but think…"
"It's not yer fault. And he's not gone, yet, so don't ya sit there and talk like he is. I hate to say it, fearless, but Mikey chose to do this to himself."
He's surprised by his own words, and can't help but point out his own hypocrisy. Hadn't he been blaming himself, too?
Leo's quiet for a minute.
"You're right. I just...hope he wakes up."
"Me too."
It becomes a daily thing, talking to Mikey.
As the days turn into weeks and the weeks turn into months, other members of the family join in on him. First it's Donnie, because he basically lives in his lab, and then it's Leo, followed closely by Splinter. Sometimes April and Casey join them. They take turns talking about their day, and their feelings.
Sometimes they cry.
Sometimes they laugh.
Sometimes they reminisce, and everyone gets all quiet for a little while.
They start patrolling again. Things are empty, with just three out of four, but they make do.
One day, Leo walks into the dojo and finds Raph bench pressing. He stops to stare, and Raph quirks his brow bone at him.
"What?" He says defensively. His weights are down by a significant amount, but that just happens when you stop practicing as religiously as he'd been.
"Nothing. It's just been a while since I've seen you in here by yourself.
Raph rolls his eyes.
"I guess yer just gunna have to get used to it then, ain't ya?"
When it's just Donnie and Raph, his older brother says something that he's been waiting on hearing for a long time.
"We might have to consider cutting off his life support."
He looks painfully sad. Raph remembers what he said to Donnie, remembers how he told him that he hated him. Donatello has never out right said it, but he knows that he blames himself for Mikey not getting better.
But for months now, he's waiting on him to say those words, so he has no denial or fight left in him. Only bitter acceptance, and a new flood of tears.
"When?"
"A few more months. I can't keep running supplies, everywhere I go keeps getting suspicious and ups their security. I'm afraid...I'm afraid that if he doesn't wake up soon, I won't be able to keep him alive."
Raph nods and doesn't say another word.
Leo cries.
Splinter bows his head.
Nobody takes the news very well.
"Mikey told me that he wanted to be burned, when he died. Said somethin' about wanting it to be simple."
They all take in his words as they sit next to Mikey. He's skinny now, nothing but skin and bones. His arm had healed a long time ago, and even now he doesn't need stitches anymore. It's a testament to the time that has passed.
Donnie swallows.
"I'll make the preparations next week."
A couple days before Donnie is scheduled to pull the plug, they all sit around the T.V and watch Mikey's favorite movies. They cry at every single one, even the stupid ones Mikey was fond of.
"I don't want him to die." Leo cries in the middle of 'Shanghai Knights'. He stifles his cry in one of the couch's pillows.
"I don't think we have a choice." Donnie says.
The feeling of inevitability is suffocating.
On the last day, Raphael walks into the room to find Mikey sitting up.
He almost doesn't believe it, but there he is, nearly a year later with those beautiful eyes looking curiously at him. He's got tubes stuck up his nose, and from the looks of it he was trying to pull them out.
"Raphie?" He asks with an impossibly hoarse voice.
Raph doesn't say a word. His breathing increases, and a fresh round of tears make their way down his face. "Please tell me this ain't a dream." He whispers.
Mikey tilts his head, but he smiles.
That same smile Raph had dreamed about for so, so long. That same smile that plagued his heart, that induced such a vivid sense of yearning.
"Why would it be a dream, silly?"
Raph walks over to him slowly, and sinks down onto his knees next to the other's bed. "I missed ya so much, Mikey." He sobs.
"But I've been right here. What was there to miss, dude?"
Raph just cries harder.