AN: Thank you so much for your feedback and giving this story a chance! I'm not very good with Advent Children characterization because it's been... a while. But thank you for reading anyways :) Last update will be Saturday.
Dried Petals
2 – Lilies
Why does a majority of the population suffer from Stage 2 and Stage 3 Hanahaki disease? Why do the soul seeds grow and fester into thorns around our hearts? Is it the planet's way of forcing us to confront our inner demons? Our greatest fears and weaknesses? Or is it the punishment we must bear for abandoning the Cetra, for poisoning the planet with Mako? As I await my final days, such beautiful white lilies have sprung from my lips… I'll join her soon…
-from the journals of Doctor Gast, recorded shortly before his death
:
When she was still alive, Aerith loved taking Tifa's hand so she could giddily show her the new flowers they encountered along their journey. Wild poppies of red, dandelions with their wispy white tuffs, white daisies with their cheerful yellow centers, lotuses floating in Wutai's ponds—all of them fleeting glimpses of the planet's beauty, still surviving despite the mako drain.
"It's just like home," Aerith would sigh. "But better. There are so many varieties, I can't even name them all!"
"What kind of flowers do you grow at your church?" Tifa had asked. She remembered the flower Cloud gave her, the one he bought from Aerith. She had tried her best to keep it alive, but again Shinra took that beauty away…
"Hmmm… as many as I can find! Mostly daisies, some peonies, oh, and white lilies," Aerith had winked at her, "like the one Cloud gave you."
Tifa had blushed, remembering the meaning of the white lily quite clearly. Lovers give these to each other when they're reunited.
"We're not like that."
Aerith had studied her carefully. "But you want to be."
Watching the tuffs of dandelions fly away like puffs of white cotton against the sky, Tifa had smiled. She didn't know what kind of smile it was, but in front of Aerith, she felt she could show a little of herself. "It doesn't matter. I want him to be happy first, that's more important."
Besides, they had a planet to save, a madman to kill, sins to be redeemed.
Aerith's hands had become tight around hers. "But Tifa," she had insisted. "You're important too."
Startled, for no one had really said that to her before, Tifa felt her mouth go dry. "Thank you, Aerith… I'll… I'll keep that in mind."
Aerith lightly tugged Tifa's hair. "You better!" she had laughed. "Or I'll come after whoever makes you sad!"
:
Now, Tifa stares at the white petals, all bloodied in the bathroom sink, at the familiar shape of them. White lilies, she thinks, for reunion. Her eyes scan the other two petals, one yellow, one black. Sunflowers, for Aerith. Black roses, her heart sinks, for death.
"I…" she looks wildly at the mirror, at this woman with pale skin and sunken eyes. How long has it been since she really looked at herself? Her figure has changed, become more hollow, more thin, nothing like the build she had before. "I'm… upset," she tries to say, the way she used to when she was younger, to chase the thorns away.
But what right does she have to be upset when she's responsible for so many dying in Sector Seven? What right does she have to be upset about Aerith's death when she couldn't stop it? What right does she have to be upset when Cloud never promised he'd stay?
"I'm upset," she says again, hoping this is the unspoken thing that needs to be said, "but I'll get through this. I always do."
The next morning, she coughs up more white petals, more black and yellow, stained in red.
Her hands shake.
:
"I love you both so much," Tifa starts to say every time she tucks Marlene and Denzel in. "You're both so brave and kind, you are the best parts of my life."
Marlene always coos with delight, jumping up to hug Tifa with her own chorus of I love you's.
Denzel always ducks his head down, burying himself in his blanket, but Tifa hears his quiet, "I love you," too.
"I liked how you helped me out in the kitchen today, Marlene," Tifa begins, "you did a great job of setting up the kitchen. Denzel, you did a wonderful job at chasing off those bullies away from Marlene at school. I'm so proud of you for getting through the day."
"I think you did an amazing job with dinner today, Tifa! I loved dessert! And Denzel got an A on his math test today, he was just too shy to show you!"
"Was not!"
Tifa doesn't bother hiding her smile. "Did you, Denzel? You must have worked so hard to get that grade, that's wonderful!" She sits by him, stroking his hair, anything to show him that she's not afraid of his geostigma, that people won't shun him for this.
(After all, how can she be afraid when she's got her own disease to worry about?)
"Well… Marlene got picked to be the class leader, so that's pretty good, I guess," Denzel mumbles, cuddling closer to Tifa's hand. "And… you… Tifa… you're…" He sulks into his blanket with an even quieter mumble.
"He thinks you're nice, Tifa! See? I told you Tifa's the best!" Marlene chirps.
Going red, Denzel scowls, "I said she tells the best stories!"
Her heart warms at how embarrassed he is. The petals crawling up her throat abide, just for the moment. They're not allowed to emerge when she's with them.
"…Thank you," she whispers, kissing them both on the head, "that means a lot to me."
She has to stay alive for them, say vibrant for them. That means she has to tell them everything she feels, she can't just smile and pat their heads anymore (though she's sure that helps), she needs to let them know that they're loved. Nothing dear can be left unsaid.
If she doesn't beat this, then they'll need good memories of her.
(She wonders if this is how her mother felt before she died.)
:
Six months after Cloud leaves, Tifa coughs up her first whole flower, a fully blossomed white lily, and she feels nothing but numb.
"Stage four," she whispers.
No, not quite. She can still beat this. She hasn't fainted or felt too weak like others who reach the point of no return. It's just one whole flower, there's not even that much blood. Stage 4 is only truly dangerous when the frequency of whole flowers is several times a day, with severe blood loss and fainting. She can hold out.
Still, she begins looking up doctors for Hanahaki surgery… and writing up her will.
:
Barret,
You have been my closest friend and a rock ever since I became an orphan. I want you to know that this isn't your fault. You saved me, Barret, you and Marlene. If I hadn't had you both when I first came to Midgar… I don't know where I'd be. But you both gave me so much light, so much meaning… you made life worth fighting for.
I know you'll take care of Marlene. Tell her that I'm sorry I won't get to see her grow up into the strong woman I know she'll be. If you can, please take care of Denzel too. He'll need someone and I don't want him to be separated from Marlene. She's good for him.
I'm giving the bar to you. Turn it into an inn, hire people to manage it so you can make extra money for Marlene and Denzel's schooling.
And please, remember that you saved me.
:
After the doctor finishes checking Denzel's markings and temperature, he turns to Tifa with approval. Gesturing for her to speak with him privately, Tifa leads him to the kitchen, telling Marlene to keep Denzel company.
"Denzel's geostigma has slowed almost to a halt," the doctor tells her in wonder. "Whatever you're doing to keep his spirits up, it's working. He'll hold out a lot longer now… hopefully a cure might be found in time…"
Tifa thinks of the nightly 'Complimenting Sessions' that she started with the kids and how much more they smile, even when Denzel has his bad days. Her eyes shimmer with relief.
Just keep holding on Denzel…
"That's wonderful, Doctor. Actually, I was hoping that you could do another check-up…"
"Ah, yes, for Marlene? Our last check up was only last month, unless she has—"
"No, she's fine. She doesn't have geostigma. It's… it's me, actually."
The doctor's eyes widen. "Geo—"
She pulls out a clear plastic bag with this morning's bloody lilies and black roses. "Hanahaki, actually."
The doctor has to sit down.
:
Nanaki,
Throughout our journey, you've always acted so strong despite being so young. I've always admired your kind soul and the way you keep trying.
If you could, please look after my mother's earrings. They're all I have of her, and I can't think of anyone better to guard her memory than you, my dear friend, the way you've guarded Seto's.
I know you'll keep being brave.
:
"Miss Lockhart…" the doctor murmurs, "have you experienced any other symptoms? Fainting? Dizziness? Shortness of breath?"
"No. Just… coughing in the morning… flowers in the sink." She can't stop looking at that crumpled and soggy white lily, soiled in blood.
"Then it's not too late to turn things around. You aren't quite at Stage 4 yet—"
Tifa's shoulders relax. That's what she thought.
"—But as soon as your symptoms begin to worsen, we should consider surgery. Do you know the risks of Hanahaki surgery?"
"I know not many survive."
The numbers had not been encouraging to her. But if anyone could survive, it's her.
"But there's more… the uglier part that patients rarely talk about."
Tifa frowns. "What do you mean?"
The doctor is wary, his kind old eyes looking at her with pity. "Soul seeds are a part of us, they are expressions of the heart. Remove them and… you lose the ability to feel."
She feels as if she's been dipped into the coldest glacier and told that she can never come out. "Why haven't I heard of this?"
"Not many people reach Stage 4, and when they do, some of them recover without needing surgery. Those that survive surgery… they don't know any better that they've changed. They don't much care for anything at all."
What would that be like? Not to care about anything? Not to love or hate or hurt?
"Knowing that," the doctor continues, "do you want to consider surgery?"
:
Yuffie,
You're like the little sister I never had. You always made me laugh, and honestly I thought some of your pickpocketing victims deserved it. But I hope you get to find the balance between being you, and being the White Rose of Wutai, I hope you grow to be a splendid ninja that people will pass on stories about.
Please take my gloves, and the scrolls Master Zangan left me. If anyone can pick up his style and perfect it after I'm gone, it's you.
Please use them to protect the ones you love and pass them on to the next generation of ninjas. And always always use your strength to protect.
:
Tifa goes to visit one of the survivors of Hanahaki surgery, under the advice of her doctor, on a weekend. She knocks on Tabby Lyre's door and doesn't quite know what kind of person to expect at the door.
A blank faced older woman with empty eyes greets her. Tabby's beautiful with golden hair that men would whistle at and a figure that most would covet. But her beauty is eerie when accompanied by that empty stare.
"…I heard from the doc that you're visiting. Come inside. Sit."
Tifa quietly does as she's told.
Tabby doesn't offer tea or any other niceties. She just stares. "So, you wanted answers?"
"Ah yes, sorry for the trouble…"
"I don't really care either way."
"…Right," Tifa frowns. "I was just wondering… how you went back to your life after the surgery, how it affected you."
"It didn't really affect me. I can eat, sleep, go to work as sufficient as before. I'm alive," Tabby says.
"What about your family? Are they still with you?"
"They left."
Tifa's eyes grow wide. "I'm so sorry—"
"It doesn't really matter. I tried to act like 'before,' the old Tabby. But it wasn't working. They could sense it. So they left."
Tifa can't imagine that, not feeling anything if Cloud, Denzel, or Marlene left her. "Don't you miss them?"
Tabby's gaze doesn't change.
"Not at all."
:
Reeve,
I've never thanked you enough for helping us, for turning against Shinra. I know you still feel guilty over all the lives that were lost, over what Rufus and his father did. But you've honestly done so much for the world, I hope you let yourself see that one day.
Both you and Cait Sith are the friends that I never quite expected but am so grateful to have. No matter what people say about you, Reeve, you're a good man.
I leave you my collection of books, I hope that you can take a break once in a while and escape into fiction for a while. I hope those books give you joy.
And if a cure for geostigma is ever found, please consider giving Denzel one of the first batches. Please forgive my selfishness for this request.
You've always been a good man.
:
"So?" the doctor asks when Tifa stumbles out of Tabby Lyre's home.
"She… she's not herself anymore," even if Tifa didn't know her before, she can tell. Something fundamentally human has left Tabby, forever.
The doctor says nothing.
"I'm… I'm going to try to fight it, for as long as I can. But if I reach Stage 4… I want to live and die as myself."
The old doctor, used to this answer, can only nod yes.
:
Vincent,
To be honest, when I first met you, I didn't know what to think. But as our journey continued, I realized that while you might be stand-offish, you'll do anything for your friends.
I always appreciated how you looked out for me when Cloud disappeared (before we found him in Mideel) and I appreciate you dropping in to check on the bar in the past few months. I hope you'll continue to watch out for Marlene and Denzel when I'm gone.
I also hope that you can forgive yourself one day, even though I never really forgave myself either.
Please take my photos of our friends. I think you could use more keepsakes, more reasons to smile. I hope those photos stay good memories for you to counteract against the bad.
:
Tifa starts calling her friends more often, just to memorize their voices. She tells them how much she misses them and appreciates them, laughing at Barret's bashful replies, at Yuffie's smug declarations, Nanaki's sincere gratitude, Cid's gruff mumbles, Reeve's relieved voice and Vincent's occasional visits.
Her voice messages to Cloud continue, becoming shorter and shorter.
The whole flowers begin showing up every other morning instead of every three days. Tifa grips the sink so hard, she bleeds.
"I'm not going to die of heartbreak," she tells the mirror, "that's not how I want to go."
Besides, she's told the mirror so many times that she loves Cloud. That's not what's unspoken. Everyone knows how she feels… maybe that's why Cloud ran away… maybe he feels constrained by her feelings.
No, no, that's not what his note said.
(Still, she doubts.)
(She hates that she doubts.)
She closes her eyes, breathes in and out.
"For Denzel and Marlene," she whispers. "For Denzel and Marlene."
:
Cid,
Thank you for everything you did when I wasn't strong enough, for leading the team and finding the huge materia, for rescuing me and Barret when we were going to be executed. Thank you for calling to check on the kids, to complain about Cloud for me.
Take care of Shera. I'm so sorry I won't be able to see the new baby.
I knitted a blanket for them and some clothes. I hope they'll fit.
Tell Shera I wanted so badly to hold the baby, I wanted so badly to be there. But it looks like you'll have to be strong for me again, Cid. Thank you.
:
Denzel goes missing, just as his geostigma seems so much better and halted, just as Tifa managed to will the whole flower coughing back to every three days instead of every other day.
She and Marlene go looking for him, and Tifa, when she needs it most, her body falters under the disease of Hanahaki.
Loz beats her to the ground and all she can think is that she's failed.
:
Marlene and Denzel,
Words can't express how much I love you two. I fought. I fought so hard to stay, to spend as much time with you as I could. When my mother died, I blamed her for a while, I blamed myself too. I thought that if I was a better daughter, she could have talked to me more, she could have lived. I blamed my father, I thought he had killed her somehow. She died hating him and I never knew why. I didn't know what he did to make her so angry.
But please don't think that about me or yourselves or Cloud. Cloud has always treated me well and I don't think my Hanahaki has anything to do with what's unspoken to him. He knows how I feel.
There are just some feelings that adults are afraid to express… some that they don't even know how to express. I think that's me. I spent so much time bottling up how I felt that I don't know which feelings are which, which ones were causing the thorns in my heart to bloom.
I don't blame you or Cloud or anyone. I love you all so much and I would do anything for you. I wish I could have seen you both grow up, I wish I could have gone to all your birthdays and weddings and graduations and more. I wish I could always hold you close beside me.
But I can't do that. You both have to live happy lives. I don't want to see you in the lifestream for a long, long time. I want you both to tell me all your adventures and then I'll introduce you to your Aunt Aerith and we'll all have a nice long hug.
But never ever doubt that I fought for you both or that I love you.
I love you both so much.
In fine print, underneath the letter, Tifa leaves them all her savings.
:
"You're late."
Even after all this time, he looks so beautiful.
She's glad she got to see him one last time.
:
She can't bring herself to be upset that Cloud hid his geostigma from her. That would be hypocritical. But Tifa hasn't hit Stage 4 yet, she has no intentions to, so she's told no one. Cloud, however… he could die at this rate, with all the doubt inside him…
Tifa can't let that happen. There has to be a cure.
"We need to find Marlene and Denzel," she tells him, skipping past the questions and accusations. Their kids are more important. They can focus on a cure right after. And if geostigma is related to Jenova, then that's a good place to start for finding a cure.
"I…" she can practically feel his heart wavering, "I can't… I'm not worthy—"
Any other day, any other time, she'd be patient, she'd take the time to comfort him and reassure him that he is worth fighting for. But not now.
"Stop shilly shallying, Cloud, we need to go now!"
"But your wounds—"
"Rude, Reno, cast regen on me right now or I'll show you how an injured woman will pulverize you."
Cloud's eyes are wide like a child scolded for the first time. "You're… angry."
"Our kids are missing. One of them is being used to find Jenova. Yes, I'm angry."
The anger makes her feel more alive, stronger to stall the Hanahaki. Those Sephiroth clones will pay.
Cloud stares at her in wonder for a moment, before a familiar resolve returns to his eyes, a resolve she hasn't seen since they last fought Sephiroth, since his mind was put back together after the Lifestream.
"Right," he takes the restore materia from Reno. "Let's mousey."
:
Aerith,
It feels strange to write to you when maybe I should do a prayer. But I don't think you'd like that. You don't seem like the type to like the goddess thing, I think you'd find it hilarious. Just as it's hilarious that I'm writing to someone in the Lifestream.
But I need someone to talk to.
I've tried everything I can think of, to get the blooms to stop. I've told the mirror that I love him, that I resent him, that I forgive him, that I'm letting go. But still they bloom. I don't know how to decipher how messed up I am…
And it scares me.
I wish you were here with me, alive. It's selfish, I know you must be happy in the promised land, with the guy you pined for and without you going to the lifestream, the planet wouldn't be here today. But I do… I wish you were here because I could use one of your hugs.
I love you, and even though it's sooner then I'd like… I'll see you soon.
:
His back is as warm as ever. When he let her on the back of his bike, he shied away from her touch, clutching at the arm hiding his geostigma.
But Tifa took that hand anyways.
Cloud looked like he wanted to argue, except he must have seen something in Tifa's face that made him quiet because he pulled her close.
"I'm sorry," he says, and somehow she knows that it's for everything, for being afraid, for not sharing his sorrow, for not reaching out, for being late.
"…Me too," she murmurs into his back. Even with the roar of the engine, Cloud's enhanced hearing can hear it.
She can feel his muscles growing rigid.
"You of all people have nothing to apologize for Tifa. It's me. This is my fault."
"Cloud… sometimes there's no one to point your sword at. Sometimes there's no one left to blame. Trust me, I understand why you didn't pick up your phone. I didn't like it, I still don't… but I understand now. Let's just keep moving forward. Let's go get our kids."
He seems like he wants to say more, but like always Cloud's silence fills the void, and they drive further towards the forbidden city.
:
They fight side by side, reading each other's movements flawlessly as if they haven't been separated for months on end. Tifa reads Cloud's movements, jumping on top of his sword to punch Loz in the face, and Cloud spins her back into his arms so he can parry against Kadaj. In the fight, they're one.
They get Marlene back. Marlene yells at Cloud before Tifa scolds her… and Edge is attacked by all of Kadaj's monsters.
Tifa's blood races with adrenaline, she can feel the flowers scratching eagerly in the back of her throat, wanting to spew out but she has to stay the patient one, she has to be strong.
Just a little longer… she just has to fight a little longer…
:
When the rain falls, Tifa can feel her Aerith's embrace in the droplets of water. Aerith is there in the water and the air, all around her, healing all the kids, healing Cloud, healing Denzel. Aerith is here, whispering in her ear that she'll be waiting for Tifa when the time comes. Aerith is there to sadly tell her that even her powers can't heal Hanahaki, the thoughts of the soul.
Only Tifa can.
But Tifa doesn't know how.
Her friends all cheer around her, eager to get Tifa's hugs after months of only hearing her voice on the phone. Cloud turns to smile at her, a real smile, the way he used to when they were kids and he was eager to rush off to SOLDIER.
This should make her happy. She should be happy. But she can't look at anyone in the eye and the burning in her throat hurts so much—
She falls, flowers spilling from her mouth over Aerith's beloved church. She coughs until she can't see anymore, until there's only red, until she thinks she feels Aerith's gentle hand cradling her hair and she murmurs a sorry for getting the church so dirty and Cloud, Cloud, Cloud, pushing everyone away, holding her, ah—
"…I'm so tired."
That's the unspoken thing, that's the secret she buried so deep inside herself she didn't even recognize it.
She's tired. And despite everyone's protests, their screams, she closes her eyes.
:
Cloud,
Despite being a bartender, I'm not good with words, Cloud. I don't know what to say to make your nightmares go away, to make you smile, to ease your pain. Maybe that's arrogant of me to think I can help make you feel better. Maybe it's arrogant of me to think I mean anything at all.
I know you care for me, and that's enough.
I just want you to know that you don't need to hold the promise so close to you. You don't need to feel tied down or trapped. I want you to be happy, that's all I want, even if that means you go far away, if you meet someone else. I just hope you drop by to visit Marlene and Denzel, to give them good memories. I hope you help Barret take care of them.
I don't want you to feel guilty. There was nothing you could have done. I should have told you but I didn't want to put another burden on you to tie you down.
I love you. I love all of you. Even when it was painful, Cloud Strife, I loved you for being you.
Thank you for giving my life meaning.
Please, Cloud, be happy.
Yours,
Tifa