Azula avoids the main courtyard.
It's been a year since the war ended and she's changed a lot. For worse in some ways, for better in others, for most of it it's still up for debate.
She likes spending time outside now. Time to just be in nature, it's calming and she needs calm. It also gives her time to think, which she used to hate, and still kind of does. She hates thinking about the past, which is pretty much all there is to think about - her parents and what she's done.
She's come a long way, she even gets along with Zuko now. They haven't gotten along since he was eight and she was six. They don't see each other much, what with Zuko being the Fire Lord. He's very busy. She might see him more if she went in the main courtyard, but she doesn't.
The main courtyard was always Zuko and mother's place. They would feed the turtleducks and probably talk about how terrible Azula was.
Azula doesn't like the main courtyard.
Zuko does.
It's not hard to see why, his new group of bubbly, buddy-buddy friends like to have their lunches there. Sometimes she sees them camping out under the tree at night, all sleeping in a pile like idiots. They really do look quite stupid when they do it.
So Azula avoids the main courtyard. Sometimes she avoids all the courtyards and just spends some time in the forest behind the palace.
It's strange to have so much free time. The only things she has to do are recovery related (though she still isn't entirely sure what she's recovering from. It's been explained to her, but she just doesn't get it. Sure, she wasn't in a great state of mind at the end of the war, but she's clearly not like that now. She's better and doesn't need a doctor anymore as far as she's concerned. Unfortunately, Zuko is relentless and disagrees.)
Azula doesn't like not having anything to do. As a child there was always something, even when there was nothing, there was something. Something to do to prove herself or just to fuck with Zuko. She was also always on her toes because father had insisted on having the guards randomly attack her to keep her vigilant and prepared. Well, now she's just paranoid and unable to relax even if she tried.
And she does try, sometimes. Doctor's orders. But that only makes her irritable and... twitchy. She isn't supposed to relax. She should be doing something. Something useful.
At first, she would spend all her time in her room, wracked with shame over his far she'd fallen. She had been perfect, a prodigy, but then she was just a crazy girl with bad hair. No one trusted her, people still don't trust her even though she's made it abundantly clear that she won't be doing anything to usurp how things are currently running.
She hates to admit that things are... better.
Azula sits and firmly plants her hands on her knees, pushing her elbows out as she stares at the small pond. This one isn't a turtleduck pond - thank the spirits, everytime she sees a turtleduck all it does is make her angry - so she just stares at the smooth surface of the water, at the reflection of the sky and the trees in it.
She practices the breathing exercises Akane, her doctor, had given her for lack of anything else to do.
And then someone sits next to her.
She snaps her attention to her left - it's the Water Tribe boy, Sokka. She only knows his name because Zuko talks about him almost constantly.
He says something and looks at her with a goofy smile. She blinks and it takes her a moment to realize that he's joking - this is a joke. He says another and Azula is so bewildered she gets right to her feet and leaves without saying anything in response.
She wonders if Akane has put him up to that. Likely some sort of test, something to catch Azula off guard. She knows Sokka also sees Akane, though for what is anyone's guess.
As Azula walks the halls of the palace, she finds herself having to hold herself back from turning right on her heels and shouting at the guards that follow her. The not-quite-an-exchange with Sokka has put her on edge and the fact that she's actually being followed isn't helping.
Azula asks Akane if she had put Sokka up to talking to her. Akane's response to this is to ask her why she thinks she would do that.
"Any number of reasons," Azula says with an irritated wave of her hand. "How am I to know why you would do anything?"
Akane adjusts her position in her seat, leaning forward on her desk, and repeats the question with an emphasis on words that drives Azula mad. She snaps at the doctor, getting angry before admitting that she doesn't know why.
And then Akane hits the nail on its head so hard it leaves Azula silent and brooding like her brother. She says she thinks it's because of her father, because everything was always a test with him, and Azula thinks she should have figured that out herself because everything is either about her father or mother.
Akane tells Azula that if Sokka approaches her again she should try to engage and Azula nods along with the suggestion even though she isn't planning on following through with it. She thinks Akane knows this and that infuriates her because why would she even bother suggesting it in the first place if she knows Azula won't do it?
She doesn't voice this and leaves her appointment feeling worse than before.
Azula nearly dislocates Sokka's shoulder the next time he talks to her.
Her guard is up, it's one of those bad days where every unexpected sound or movement has her on the defensive, and she's walking laps around the largest courtyard. Sokka quickly approaches - from behind and she grabs him by the arm and twists it until the guards are coming out and Sokka is pulling himself free.
He raises a hand, wincing as the other clasps his shoulder, and waves the guards away. "It's fine. Don't worry about it, just go back to your stations."
The guards exchange glances, then back off.
"You'd think they'd ease off a bit after a year, huh?" he says with a strained laugh.
Azula just frowns at him.
He cracks a few jokes, laughs loudly at most of them and Azula finds herself extremely thrown off. She's never had any interactions like this and she really, really doesn't know what to do with it. Even if she wanted to contribute, she wouldn't know how.
And she doesn't want to contribute.
Azula wants to walk away, but seeing as Sokka is walking beside her and the last time she ran within the halls of the palace she had been incapacitated and stuck in her room for two days, she doesn't dare pick up the pace. Granted, the situation was that she was being highly uncooperative and nearly burned down Akane's office, but she can't help but be worried that the same thing will happen if she even so much as speed walks.
Talking to Sokka - or listening to Sokka, more accurately - is very strange. After a year of only speaking with Zuko, her uncle and Akane, Sokka's fast paced method of conversation is different and hard to keep up with.
He seems to have taken up the tactic of 'saying as many funny things as he possibly can until Azula laughs' or something like that. She doesn't actually know what his goal is because she can't think of any reason he would be doing this that Akane wouldn't call irrational and paranoid.
Even though Azula can't think of a plausible ulterior motive, she begins counting her steps. One two three. One two three.
It's always in threes. Three is supposed to be unlucky, but to Azula it's always been the opposite. She likes her things to come in threes, be set up in threes, be done in threes.
She counts her steps in threes, chews her food in threes, closes and opens her door in threes.
It's one of the little irrational things that's always been with her. For as long as Azula can remember, it's always been three and that's not changing now. Akane tells her this is something they should start working on soon. Azula doesn't know why it matters and doesn't want to work on it even if she knows that it's irrational.
It's comforting, that's what's important, isn't it?
Sokka doesn't leave her alone until he has to run off to some sort of meeting.
Akane tells Azula that she should talk to Sokka again. She's very insistent about it, thinks it'll do Azula some good.
Azula says she'll try but she won't.
She shifts in her seat exactly three times.
Sokka is talking again and Azula is feeling a bit too scatterbrained to keep up with it, so she once again stands up and walks away without a word.
Only this time, he follows and keeps talking.
Azula stops in her tracks, scowls and says, "Stop."
Sokka seems shocked enough to actually shut his mouth, but he also seems happy about it and that just makes Azula suspicious. Is she playing into some sort of plan? Something elaborate to get her arrested, probably. Or banished. Or killed. Or sent to the nearest hospital to be locked away until she's old and rotting in her skin.
"Why are you doing this?" she demands because she's already said one thing, she might as well get an answer out of him.
He looks confused. "What do you mean?"
Azula grits her teeth, clenches and unclenches her fist, then does it two more times as she feels she needs to. "Why do you keep talking to me?"
"Because I want to," he says and the answer throws Azula off. She feels wrong footed as she stands there and looks at the Water Tribe boy standing in front of her.
"Why?" she asks warily because no one would ever want to talk to her. Not with what she's done and who she is.
He shrugs. "You seem interesting and you're Zuko's sister. I want to get along with you."
"What does Zuko have to do with this?"
"Well, you're important to him and we've hardly ever talked. I should get to know the people who are important to him."
"Right..." Azula starts walking again and Sokka does as well.
One two three.
"Well, you can stop, you don't need to force yourself to be friendly just because I'm Zuzu's sister," she snaps.
Sokka grins and says, "I'm not that easy to get rid of."
Azula scowls, glaring down at her hands. They're every bit a princess's hands - long and slender with immaculate nails. She misses her sharp nails - those claws that could break skin and dig into metal and brick.
"So, Azula, what do you do?"
She snaps her attention back to Sokka, frown still firmly in place. "What do I do...?" she repeats. He can't be serious.
"Yeah, you know, to pass the time. I know you go on walks, but what else?"
Azula doesn't answer. Why does he want to know what she does? To make it easier to frame her for something heinous, perhaps? Maybe he's trying to get her to say something so crazy there won't be any choice but to send her away.
"I like painting," he says.
Azula remains quiet.
"And poetry."
Azula remains quiet.
Azula doesn't understand Sokka. He continues to talk to her, despite her rare responses. She doesn't understand why he's doing this and she doesn't understand how he can be... the way he is.
He does make her laugh, though.
She would kill someone before admitting that, but Sokka is actually funny. She doesn't laugh out loud because that would be admitting that he's funny and that would just shred what little of her dignity is remaining, but he's funny.
Generally, Sokka is light hearted and cracks jokes constantly, but he seems to also catch on to when Azula isn't in the mood for that sort of thing - the days when all she wants to do is throw herself into a mossy pond and float there until she's covered in algae, or the days when she's so antsy and irritated that even the slightest movement has her tensing and restraining herself. He can be unexpectedly serious.
"You know, you should get some hobbies," he says one day. "Zuko likes gardening and I've recently gotten him to start painting."
Azula rolls her eyes because she already knows that (she also can't help but roll her eyes everytime she pictures Zuko gardening). She pulls a blade of grass from the ground and twirls it in her fingers.
Maybe a hobby would be good for her. She's never had hobbies before, unless you counted endless hours of training, making fun of her brother and occasionally playing games with Mai and Ty Lee. She misses Mai and Ty Lee. They've been 'busy,' but Azula is pretty sure that's a lie. They don't want to see her and she can't blame them.
"Maybe you could come paint with me and Zuko later!" Sokka says with a wide grin.
"I don't think so."
Sokka shrugs, but seems to be... legitimately disappointed by the answer, even if he's unsurprised. "Well, is there anything you think you'd like to do?"
Azula pulls at the blade of grass until it's fibers tear in two. "I've never really thought about it," she answers.
"Really? Why not?"
She shoots him a sharp glance and he smiles apologetically. She looks away, then sighs. Akane wants her to open up. She already knows that Sokka isn't going to kill her or anything. Or, at least, she's pretty sure he won't. And anything she says won't be news to him, Azula is sure Zuko's told him everything there is to know about Ozai.
"My father didn't exactly give me time for hobbies," she says dryly. "They're useless. There's no reason for a princess to paint or garden or whatever else people do for fun."
Sokka frowns. "That's... pretty sad."
"I don't need your pity."
"Sorry." He pauses and looks away, pulling his knees up to his chest. "You know, I didn't really have any hobbies before the war ended either. I mean, I had some when I was little, but I kind of had to drop it all when I was about thirteen. My father and the men of my tribe left, I was the oldest boy left. I was meant to protect the village, go hunting for food, make sure we're safe, all that. I didn't have much time for anything else."
Azula hums noncommittally. Why is he telling her this?
"I didn't really consider doing things for myself until kind of recently, actually. And I think Zuko's the same, but you probably know that."
Azula stands and brushes herself off. Sokka watches her curiously, but doesn't follow as she leaves.
Azula rarely leaves her room at night and she isn't sure what spurs her into it this particular night. She always struggles with sleep - getting to sleep, staying asleep, sleeping peacefully. It's all a painful slog of nothing but silk sheets and nightmares.
She doesn't have any guards around her, they leave her alone at night now, but that doesn't make her feel any better. She still feels like she's being watched - followed through the twists and bends of the castle.
She thinks about what Akane has told her about this, but comes up with nothing helpful. In fact, she draws a blank on anything Akane has ever told her until she comes to the door to the main courtyard and she remembers her telling her that she should try at least walking through it sometime. At least at night no one will see her making a fool of herself if she reacts less than favourably.
Her hand rests on the door. She pauses to take a deep breath, then pushes it open and starts walking down the stairs
The night air feels nice on her skin and in her lungs. Azula almost finds herself relaxing, but she finds herself being hyper aware of everything, from the sounds of the animals to the smell of the dirt after the recent downpour.
And, as she steps deeper into the courtyard, heart thudding in her chest and muscles tensing as if preparing to fight or run, she becomes aware of another person, sitting by the turtleduck pond.
Of course the turtleducks aren't out, but just looking at the water makes something clench in her chest. Jealousy and rage. Why couldn't mother love her like she loved Zuko?
It's Sokka that's sitting by the pond. Of course it is. He seems to be everywhere lately.
Azula pauses, unsure of what to do. Does she approach him? Surely that's what Akane would want her to do. Does she walk away? She sure would love to leave. Or does she just stand here like an idiot until the Water Tribe boy notices her?
Apparently it's the latter.
Sokka falls to lie on his back and, in doing so, Azula enters his field of vision. She stares at her for a moment, then smiles and says, "Hey, Azula."
She doesn't respond.
He waves his hand and says, "Come sit over here."
She hesitantly approaches him. There was a time where she would have told him that it was unbefitting someone of her station to sit on the grass, just for the sake of shoving it in his face that she's the princess. Or just to be a bit annoying. She, of course, has no problem with sitting on the ground, and Sokka is well aware of this fact. So she sits.
"What brings you out here this late?"
"I could ask you the same thing," Azula says, avoiding the question.
Sokka shrugs. "It's the full moon. I like talking to her."
Azula doesn't understand that. Maybe that's why he sees Akane - for thinking he can speak with the moon. She doesn't ask him about it and he doesn't elaborate.
"So," he says, kind of awkwardly, "trouble sleeping?"
Azula wraps her arms around her legs and rests her head on her knees. "I always have trouble sleeping."
"Oh. Me too. Kind of. Well, more Zuko than me, but also me."
And then there's silence - uncomfortable and tense. There's rarely silence when Sokka is involved, but he seems to be in a mood of some sort tonight. Azula can't pinpoint it exactly, which makes her feel like a failure. She used to be so good at telling what people are feeling, she used to pride herself on her ability to read even the most withdrawn person like an open book. Akane may say she's getting better, but she only feels like she's slipping.
"You wanna talk about it?" Sokka asks.
Azula glares at the turtleduck pond, at the reflection of the moon. "About what?"
"I don't know. About why you're out here, about why you can't sleep, about-" he shrugs "-anything you might want to talk about."
"Well, I don't want to talk about anything," she snaps.
Sokka sighs, probably unsurprised. Azula has never talked much and he shouldn't expect anything different now.
"You know, talking about things is actually good for you. And for some reason, I think you don't talk about a lot."
"It's not like I have anyone to talk to," Azula mutters. "You're the only person who wants to be around me. Not that I don't understand why."
"What about Zuko and Iroh and Akane?"
Azula laughs. "Akane is my doctor, she's paid to talk to me and tell me I'm crazy. And I know Zuko and my uncle don't really want me around. Why would they? I tried to kill both of them at least once."
Why is she talking? She should stop talking. She doesn't need to talk about any of this, she doesn't need to and Sokka isn't the person she should be showing this weakness to.
"You're wrong," Sokka says. He sits up and speaks firmly. "Azula, Zuko and Iroh love you. You're Zuko's sister and Iroh's niece, of course they love you. Why don't you think they want you around?"
Azula shifts her gaze, her glare to Sokka. He's looking at her, blue eyes indecipherable in the darkness of the night. "Being family doesn't mean you love each other. Maybe that's different for you, but I know that more than well enough."
"That may be true, but they do care for you, Azula."
She looks back at the pond, scowling. She doesn't respond, only thinking of the way Ursa and Iroh had always favoured Zuko, always acted as if she was just evil. Iroh's apologized for that, of course, he's done a lot to try to mend their relationship, but she can't help remembering all the little things from her childhood.
She doesn't understand how Zuko could forgive her after all she's done. Doesn't understand why he's as nice to her as he is.
They don't talk again that night and Azula finds herself falling asleep in the grass, angry and upset and uncomfortable.
She wakes up in her bed.
Sokka's jokes are worse than usual the next day and Azula, unfortunately, still finds some of them funny.
He corners her while she's eating and doesn't leave until she has to go see Akane.
Akane asks Azula about her day and the days since their last meeting. Azula duly relays all the notable information and Akane seems pleased. She gives a patronizing sounding, 'good job' that still makes Azula feel something positive for some inane reason.
She tells her that she should continue reaching out to Sokka (which doesn't make sense because she isn't reaching out in the first place) and that she should try opening up more, to Sokka and to Zuko and her uncle. She suggests writing to Mai or Ty Lee, but Azula shakes her head and refuses point blank. They don't want to be around her anymore. That's fine.
Uncle shows up at her room the next day, a pot of tea in hand.
He pours himself a cup and asks Azla if she wants any. She's never been a fan of tea, so she shakes her head and says no. Uncle's usual exaggerated exclamations of shock don't come. Instead he sighs and starts talking about the past - the past that Azula really doesn't like thinking about. Back to before Zuko's banishment.
He apologizes, despite having done this before. He tells her that he should have reached out to her the same way he did with Zuko - should have tried to protect her and make sure she's okay. Normally, she would snap at him and tell him that she doesn't need his protection and never has. Now, she just finds herself staring determinedly at the tea pot.
He hugs her as he leaves and tells her that she's family and he'll always be there for her.
The whole time, Azula has been tense, her mind whirring with possibilities as to why he's doing this. Most reasons are what Akane would call irrational and paranoid, but, by the time he leaves, she's sure that Sokka talked to him.
Great.
Azula sits under a tree. She's trying to read, it's a scroll Zuko had given her a while ago with one of his favourite plays printed onto it. She doesn't see what he does in all this stuff. It's uninteresting and she struggles to find a reason as to why she should care about it. It's not that the story doesn't do a good job at making the characters likable, it's just that Azula has never liked fiction.
It isn't real. She should focus her attention on something else, something better, something more important.
But that's just the thing. She has nothing better or important or even just anything else to focus on.
She's almost glad when Sokka sits next to her.
Almost.
She asks him why he told her uncle about the things she had said and he denies it at first, then explains, "I didn't tell him what you said. I just told him that you feel kind of disconnected from him and that you think he doesn't like you. Whatever he did or said is just him trying to fix that."
And Azula believes that, but still doesn't like that he did that. She tells him as such and he apologizes and Azula believes that he means it, but can't help feeling paranoid and unsteady.
Sokka tells her a joke and it's so bad she considers throwing him into the nearby pond.
The next thing Azula knows, she's joining Sokka and Zuko in their quarters to try painting.
As she tries to follow along with what they're doing, painting and talking and laughing (it's been so long since she's laughed) she finds herself thinking that maybe she should try opening up to people more.