The next morning Hermione swung the kitchen door open to find an empty room, which was both a relief and a vexation. She was growing accustomed to being around Remus, and occasionally Sirius, almost exclusively, a pattern of behaviour she was self-aware enough to recognize, but one which she had zero inclination to fight. Few people ever properly understood her to begin with. Why waste time becoming too familiar only for them to ultimately find her to be too swotty and stuck-up?
Or believe you to be a death eater.
The witch scrunched her nose,glanced at the clock on the wall, and, with a sigh, she turned from the kitchen to head back up the stairs.
What is so difficult about waking up at a normal hour? Hermione wondered as she made her way to Remus's door. Her two roommates had begrudgingly agreed that their particular mission from Minerva, the details of which they had not yet been made completely aware of, needed to begin as soon as possible, so Hermione wasn't quite sure why she was the only up and ready.
"Bloody Chamber won't open itself," Hermione muttered under her breath before lightly tapping her wand on Remus's door. "Oh, sweet little wolfie," she sang, her voice magically enhanced, "time to open thine eyes."
When the door remained closed, Hermione placed her ear against it. Still unable to hear, she huffed and moved her mess of curls away from her face before trying again.
All remained quiet.
"Little wolfie," she sang once more.
Silence.
"REMUS, GET UP." Her charmed voice boomed, rattling the door on its hinges.
From somewhere inside there was a crash, and a masculine voice began yelling expletives. Hermione smiled.
"Meeting in the kitchen, debriefing in ten." She announced sweetly.
"Ten!" Remus called through the door. "Ten what- shite!"
Thump.
"Ten minutes, love," Hermione called back and then hesitated, "You alright?"
"No! Not alright." Remus's mumble was barely audible through the door.
Hermione frowned and put her hand on the knob, turning it slightly.
"Don't you come in here! I am not decent," the wizard called out.
Hermione rolled her eyes but didn't open the door. "What's going on?" she asked. "What's happened in there?"
"What's happened? I just tripped over my own bloody feet because the queen of the harpies woke me up with her terrifying screech at an absolutely ungodly hour and I'm completely disoriented, that's what happened. I don't even know what time- holy shite it's seven in the morning. Hermione! It's seven in the bloody morning!"
"I know, I thought you might like to sleep in."
"Might like to- bloody hell. Bloody hell. Maybe this is a nightmare...Nope, pinched myself. Unfortunately, this is waking life."
Hermione rolled her eyes. "Get dressed, sleeping beauty!" She laughed and started back towards the stairs. "See you in ten minutes!" she called over her shoulder as she headed up to Sirius's room.
Now to wake the beast.
Save the psychological wounds Hermione knew from experience would not be healed anytime soon, Sirius had recovered from his fight with his cousin. Bellatrix Lestrange had an uncanny talent for unforgivable curses and an unquestionably astounding ability to inflict lasting pain; Hermione had merely added Sirius's injuries to the list of grievances the mad woman would eventually pay for. A laundry list of debts owed.
Hermione had left Sirius and Remus to keep them safe, but she should have known better than to trust Sirius Black, in any incarnation, to stay safe. Next time, she would keep a closer watch on both her wizards.
Her wizards.
Odd, that. Were these her wizards? Was she projecting? When Ron ended their engagement, even after months of growing apart, she had felt that abandonment with the same intensity she had felt the night Ron had walked away from her and Harry. She was suddenly, acutely incomplete. Hermione had spent so much of her adolescence, and now the beginning of her adult life, keeping her best friends safe. Did she even know who she was anymore without two wizards to base her identity around? Yes, she was The Brightest Witch of Her Age, but first and foremost she was the Chosen One's Best Friend and Ron Weasley's fiance.
Former fiance.
Who was Hermione Granger without Harry Potter and Ron Weasley? Was she to be a new part of an old story? Hermione Granger, Remus Lupin, and Sirius Black? Must she always have someone to look after?
Hermione stopped outside Sirius's room and folded her arms across her chest almost defensively, pushing doubts and anxieties aside for more pressing concerns. After the meeting last night, Sirius had gone out on patrol and Hermione wasn't sure when he had made it back in or even if he had made it back at all.
Perhaps he does need some extra time to sleep, she conceded silently. Hermione leaned her ear against the door to hear if he was sleeping. Poor thing, barely recovered and he still has to go out-
A woman's laugh seeped through the wood of the door and Hermione's ear.
What the bloody sodding fuck!
The witch jerked from the door as if it were hot to the touch, her jaw nearly unhinged in disgust.
"Did he-" Hermione gasped as a high pitched giggle once again came through the door. "Did he go out and pull a bloody witch last night? Of all of the bloody Sirius Black things to do!"
Surely not, surely she was just-
Another giggle.
The witch aimed her wand at the door, filled all at once with rage and revulsion. She briefly admitted to herself that if Sirius had a witch in his bed, it was really none of her business anyway. But didn't he understand the seriousness of their situation? None of them could just be letting strangers or anyone not part of the Order into Grimmauld Place.
Yes, that must be why she was so outrageously upset.
"Open sesame!" Hermione yelled and watched in vindicated glee as Sirius's door flew off the hinges and slammed into the wall. Suddenly the dark room was flooded with hallway light to reveal a rather stunned Sirius Black laying on his bed completely and unapologetically naked, with one hand wrapped firmly around his manhood.
"OH MY GOD," Hermione screamed while throwing her hands over her face at the sight of Sirius's full… masculinity.
"What the hell, witch!" Sirius screeched as he desperately grabbed a blanket to pull over himself, quickly using his wand to turn off a muggle television in the corner of the room.
"Is that-" Hermione looked at the television and then back at Sirius, her face nearly as red as her former fiance's hair. "Why do you have a muggle television? Oh my god, what are you doing?!"
"What the bloody hell does it look like I'm doing?!" Sirius demanded, waving at himself.
"Oh god, you're- you're-" Hermione threw her hands over her face once again. "You're pleasuring yourself!"
"Oh for the love of Merlin, is this the bloody 17th century?" Sirius rolled his eyes. "Yes, I'm pleasuring myself. In my own bed! In my own room! Like a decent bloke! I'm covered, witch, take your hands down." He mumbled pitifully. "This is not normally the reaction I get when a witch is blessed enough to see me in the nip."
Hermione nearly screamed again.
"Actually," Sirius cooed, "if that's what you wanted you only needed to ask. Blasting my door down was hardly necessary-"
"What the fuck is going on!" Remus called from the hallway, rushing into the room with his wand ready. "Is something- oh, ohhhhhh what is uhh, what's this, then…?"
"Oh, I think you of all people know what this is, Moony." Sirius wiggled his eyebrows. "You've seen first hand what a witch, in desperate need of Sirius Black, is capable of-"
"That is not what this is!" Hermione cut in, peeking through her fingers at Remus. "Oh, Remus! It's Sirius, he's- he's!" Hermione groaned and buried her hands in her face yet again.
"He's…?" Remus raised an eyebrow and glanced at Sirius, who was on the bed still and only partially covered. "Naked?" Remus offered.
"Yes! Naked!" Hermione agreed.
"And you're terrified and covering your eyes because…" Remus looked to Sirius and then to Hermione frowning, "because that is a horrifying sight…"
"No!" Hermione reddened further and quickly added, "I mean, I mean yes!"
Sirius guffawed. "I'll have you know that many witches and wizards do not find this to be anything less than godly!" Sirius declared indignantly, throwing the meager coverings off himself.
Hermione screamed and grabbed Remus, burying her face in his shirt.
"Cover yourself up, Pads. Haven't you traumatized the witch enough? There, there, he's covered now." Remus soothed Hermione.
Oh god, my face is practically on fire. When did I become a sodding school girl? I've seen penises before! Well… one penis!
"But you don't understand!" Hermione looked up desperately. "He was, he was-" she made odd gesticulations towards her crotch that caused both wizards to frown deeply.
"I have no idea what you're- oooooh. Oh, he was pleasuring himself," Remus affirmed, and Hermione nodded vigorously.
"Oh Godric, can neither of you say 'masturbation'?" Sirius sighed.
"Sure I can," Remus nodded. "Masturbation."
Hermione groaned, and Remus chuckled, rubbing the back of his neck.
"I didn't realize you were such a prude, little witch," he admitted with gentle mockery.
Hermione glared at the werewolf. "I," she began indignantly, "am not a prude! I simply did not expect Sirius to have his prick out first thing in the morning. I wasn't mentally prepared!"
"Well, what else did you expect? Barging in here and blowing the door off its bloody hinges." Sirius motioned towards the door that had slammed into the wall next to his bed and was now on the floor. "You could have killed me!"
"Oh, you are fine!" Hermione shot back. "I thought you- well, that doesn't matter! I didn't realize you would be masturbating first thing in the morning! I mean, who does that?"
Remus and Sirius both looked genuinely taken aback, and Hermione eyed the two wizards suspiciously.
This is the most embarrassing morning of my life bar none.
"Are you serious?" Remus asked after a moment.
No, I'm Hermione, he's-
"No, she's Hermione, I'm-"
"Shut up, Pads. That joke is old, alright, it's not even funny anymore. It was never funny." Remus waved a silencing hand at Sirius, who pouted pathetically. "Hermione, you have to knock. Everyone has, well umm, needs that have to be met in the morning. Getting dressed, brushing one's teeth-"
"Masturbating?!" Hermione was still as red as a tomato. "Every morning?!"
"Well, yes of course. Don't you," Remus waved at Hermione and shrugged, "y'know…?"
"No!"
I could die right here. Right now. Please, some divine being, just smite me.
Remus frowned. "Really?"
Hermione shook her head wildly.
"Oh dear girl," the werewolf chuckled, "I didn't realize you were in such desperate need of a shag."
"I-I-" the witch stuttered, "I am not in need of a shag!" Ehhhhh... Let's not kid ourselves, Granger.
"Seems like you kind of are," Sirius nodded. "Could be a self-shag." He offered helpfully.
I'm done! DONE.
Hermione threw her hands into the air and all but fled the room. "Meet me downstairs in ten minutes!"
"Ten minutes isn't long enough!" Sirius called after her. "Light some candles, get a little lotion! You need to romance yourself!"
Hermione screamed all the way back down the stairs.
oOo
When Remus and Sirius made their way into the kitchen exactly nine minutes later (they didn't want to chance another door being blown off), they found Hermione with a cup of tea clutched in one hand and her wand laid on the table: a peace offering. She watched the two wizards as they pulled out chairs and sat down, narrowing her amber eyes.
"First," she began evenly, "we will never speak of what just happened again."
"Oh, I don't think so." Sirius leaned back in his chair grinning. "I'm thinking we really need to have a real talk with you about a subject, I'm sorry to say, not many books in the Hogwarts' library cover."
Hermione's eye twitched, and Remus groaned.
"Sirius Black, I will end you." Hermione fumed, white knuckles wrapped around her cup like an anchor lest she throttle the wizard across the table.
"I'm speaking, of course, about sexual education," Sirius continued matter-of-factly. "You have, I assume, heard of 'sex,' yes?"
Hermione threw her cup, narrowly missing Sirius's head as he quickly dodged to the side.
"Feisty!" Sirius laughed, diving under the table as Hermione lunged across said table, hands wildly tearing towards him.
"You are insufferable!" The witch screamed.
Remus sighed and with a flick of his wand sent Hermione and Sirius back into their chairs.
"Godric, I could cut this fucking tension with a knife," he mumbled.
Hermione turned, "what was that?"
"Nothing. Now, you," Remus looked to Hermione, "make it far too easy for that one to rile you up. And you," he turned to Sirius, "need to develop a little sense, so that we," he gestured to all of them, "get done what needs to get done."
Hermione grit her teeth with the urge to continue her assault, perhaps with her wand this both hands flat on the table, she took a deep breath, attempting to release the tension in her shoulders.
"Yes, you're right, this is not productive," she agreed, looking up the find Sirius still grinning at her.
Composure, Granger! Self-control. Don't let him win- did he just bat his fucking eyelashes at me?! Oh Godric, I'm seeing him naked. I'm imaging his naked body. I will never be able to not see him naked now! Somewhere deep inside, a part of Hermione shrugged and wondered if that was really the worst thing that could have happened, but the witch quickly buried that part of her deep down. Deep. Down.
"You're blushing, kitten," Sirius giggled.
"Enough! I can't handle you two until I've had some tea or coffee or something." Remus scrubbed his face with his hands and moved to stand, but then suddenly hit Sirius on the back of the head. "Stop grinning at her!"
"Ow, what the hell was that for!" Sirius demanded.
"You're instigating!" Remus pointed at Sirius.
"She's instigating!" Sirius pointed at Hermione
Finally, Hermione decided this just needed to end.
"We need the map!" She announced with no preamble, and both wizards turned to her.
"The map?" Sirius asked. "What map?"
"The Map," Hermione reiterated, "the map of Hogwarts."
Sirius turned to his best friend who shrugged, before turning back to Hermione. "You know about that, too?" Sirius sighed. "What don't you know about?"
"Very little," Hermione admitted. "Now, is it here or does James have it?"
"No, Sirius's got it." Remus tapped his lip in thought. "But why do we need it? We have no trouble getting in or around Hogwarts. McGonagall would let us have the run of the castle if we need it."
"And I thought we were going monster hunting, what monsters are in Hogwarts?" Sirius asked.
"What monsters?" Hermione laughed. "Goodness, while I was at Hogwarts there was a new and exciting monster stalking the grounds practically every year. Three-headed dogs, basilisks, grims, dementors, you name it," she mused absently.
"Dementors?" The wizards exclaimed in tandem.
Hermione shook her head. "A story for another day, but I do need to see the map."
"Alright, a minute, then." Sirius disappeared briefly from the kitchen and reappeared moments later with a deceptively unassuming piece of parchment in hand. Carefully, as if he were holding the most valuable treasure in the world, Sirius placed the map on the table. Remus went for his wand, but Hermione reached out a hand to stop him.
"I do solemnly swear," Hermione grinned at the expressions on the wizards' faces as she tapped her own wand on the map, "that I am up to no good."
And the map unfurled itself.
Oh good, that would've been bloody embarrassing if it were a different phrase to open in this reality.
"No, secrets from you then, eh?" Sirius chuckled.
"You don't know the half of it." Hermione ran her hand over the map, inspecting each room and corridor. "I just need to make sure everything is the same as it was before." Her hand stopped just above the second-floor girls' lavatory and frowned when she saw it was empty.
"Is Myrtle there?" She asked, looking up at Remus. "Does she haunt this bathroom?" Hermione tapped the map.
"Umm, who's Myrtle?" Remus asked, and Hermione's heart stopped.
"Well, this just got bloody complicated, then." She whispered.
"What did?" Sirius asked, tilting his head to the side as he followed Hermione's gaze around the map.
"Finding the entrance."
"To…"
Hermione glanced up to meet Sirius's eyes. "To the Chamber of Secrets."
oOo
A/N: Dun dun dunnnnnn! I hope y'all found this chapter at least a little amusing. I certainly had a good time writing it. Mad props to my beta, Kim, (*silently cheers that I even have a beta*) for helping me out and monitoring my over use of the word 'actually' and my inability to properly use a comma!