Chapter 17:
Back to black… list
At first she freezes, like literally. She feels cold all over, her heart tightening inside her chest. Then that green-eyed monster clenches its claws in her mind and heart and she starts picturing the scene.
"I want to be honest with you, I've been so selfish and…"
With sorrow and regret evident in her cracked voice, Quinn speaks. Rachel's mind is still pretty much on the kiss though.
"What did you do?" She asks as she finally comes out of the daze she was in.
"What?"
"Did you run away?" She looks at Quinn with concern in her eyes. "That's why you fell and hurt your arm?"
"Yes." She confirms as Rachel nods her head; she is torn between relief and concern right now. Relieved that Quinn ran away and concerned about her injured arm.
"I never really liked her. Now, I just can't stand her." She gets closer to Quinn, taking the blonde's hand and caressing it tenderly.
Quinn pulls away, more tears running down her cheeks.
"Quinn…?"
"I kissed her back."
This time, Rachel is the one pulling away. She stands up, her back turned to Quinn.
"She kissed me, uh?" The brunette says resentful, and then she turns around to face the other girl.
"At first-"
"Oh god. It was more than one kiss…?" Rachel places her hand on her chest dramatically. "This can't be happening."
"Please, let me explain."
"Be my guest!" She cries out. "Tell me."
"I thought you had broken up with me."
"Is it my fault then? That's what you're saying?"
"No." Quinn says vehemently. "It was my fault, I'm an idiot. You were right, I'm not okay. It was too much, Shelby, Beth. My jealousy. That stupid plan."
"Which one? Me dating Finn or you're trying to take Beth from Shelby?" Rachel asks roughly.
"Both." She presses her eyelids together so her tears can run down freely. "I am so..." She sobs. "So sorry."
"You're breaking my heart and you're sorry?"
Feeling down and looking at the floor, Quinn is at a loss for words. What else can she say? She messed up. This is certainly not something that she will manage to fix with a simple apology. She is feeling sick, she is mad at herself; she has been here before, in this same position. This time, despite that it was just a kiss, it is worse. She loves Rachel; she is in love with her. She was certainly not in love with Finn when she cheated on him with Puck.
"Tell me everything."
Rachel stiff voice takes her out of her depressing thoughts.
"What do you mean?"
"I need to know everything." Rachel says sharply.
"Rachel…" She whines.
"Tell me!"
The brunette raises her voice, but in a controlled manner, she is still trying to keep her composure. Quinn nods slightly; she has never seen Rachel like this before. Sure, she has seen her crying and hurting, and broken-hearted but never like this. As if Rachel is about to lose her good girl persona.
In fact she is. The green-eyed monster is doing a party inside her mind. In addition, to make everything more confusing, all her insecurities are making an appearance as well. Emily is a girl; this is not about gay panic. Emily is a girl, a very attractive one. And also, very smart too.
"After I left I was a mess. I thought you…" She trails off as Rachel looks at her with fire in her eyes. "I just wanted to calm down. I went to the bookstore she works in. I always go there when I'm feeling down. I love books you know that. When I was pregnant I went there a lot because reading helped me to cope with everything."
Rachel's impassive façade cracks as her attitude falters a little. Beth is always a delicate subject to Quinn therefore to her as well.
"We talked a little and she invited me over."
"Of course she did." Rachel says huffish and annoyed. "And she got you drunk."
"It was not like that. She is not Puck."
"Are you sure? Last time I checked you're still a minor. She shouldn't have offered you alcohol."
"It was not her fault Rachel. It'd be easier to blame it on her. But I was there because I wanted to be."
"So you wanted to cheat on me?"
"No!" Quinn says without falter. "That's the part I didn't want to happen."
"If you didn't want it, why did you go there?" Her voice cracks in the end, letting her emotions more evident now.
"I really didn't think it through; I just wanted to forget for one second I was hurting. I wanted to forget about you and everything else. I was selfish I know. I was drunk already, she kissed me and then I pushed her away and then she thought I was not gay but I sort of gave myself away and she thought I was just nervous because I didn't want anyone knowing I am and she kissed me again and I just…"
"Stop." With her eyes closed, Rachel tilts her head up. It's too much to handle.
They keep silent for a moment.
"I kissed her back, but it was just for a stupid second. It was a misunderstanding, she thought I was interested."
"And I wonder why?" Rachel raises her voice again, anger all over her face. "Did you really think nothing like that was going to happen? She is gay and you are…" She feels a lump in her throat. "You."
"What do you mean?" Quinn frowns in confusion.
Rachel sobs through a laugh.
"Look at you Quinn."
"What does this have to do with anything?"
"When we got back to Lima I thought you were going to regret everything. I thought you were going to have a gay panic or something. I really thought you were going to start dating a random boy or even one of the Glee boys, I don't know, Sam or even Puck. I was expecting that. I could've dealt with that."
"Rachel…"
"But we managed to survive all that initial drama. There was no boy. No regrets."
"I'll never regret that night-"
Quinn stands up and tries to get close but Rachel dodges her attempt. She walks towards her bed, taking hold on the column and resting her forehead on it. She cries.
"That's the best thing I've ever done." Quinn completes.
"I believe you, but…"
"But?"
"All I can think of is that I'm not good enough. Again."
"What are you talking about?"
"I was the first girl. I was naïve to think I was going to be the only one. I could've understood a boy, but this? This is not about confusion or fear, this is about attraction."
"You think I'm attracted to her?" The blonde girl gets frustrated as she is now talking to Rachel's back.
"You were upset. You thought I was going to break up with you." Rachel turns around and faces Quinn with hurt in her eyes. "Tell me, did you go there only because you love books?"
Quinn opens and closes her mouth a few times, speechless.
"Tell me!"
Oh my god you moron! Say yes already!
She thinks, but she is not that sure anymore. Maybe Rachel is right. Not that she was interested in Emily, but she knows herself, she knows what she is capable of when she is hurting. That was what that dream was all about; when she told herself that she was not ready to have Rachel, that is. Maybe she is still that Quinn. The vicious one.
"I went there because I love books and they are my solace."
She takes a deep breath.
"Honesty, right?"
She says with a barely there voice as Rachel watches her every move.
"But you are right, I should've known better. Deep down I knew she was flirting all along. Maybe unconsciously I wanted to make you jealous."
There. The truth has been spoken.
"I can't…" Rachel says, sitting on her bed and wiping her wet face. "We're over."
"Rachel please, listen to me." Quinn whines and kneels in front of the brunette girl.
"You broke my heart… It's hurting like never before." And she really means it. "Never."
"I'll make things good again. I promise." She holds Rachel's legs.
Upset, Rachel stands up again, pulling away from Quinn.
"No." She shakes her head. "It's over." Rachel says resolute, although desolated. "I've been nothing but understanding with you. I endured your tantrums; I was patient and never demanded nothing! Nothing!" She cries out. "I started dating Finn because you asked me to."
"I know, I know. But please, let me fix this."
"You can't. Not now."
Quinn clenches her jaw as she feels her heart racing.
It's happening again, the emotional turmoil. She can feel her defense mechanisms starting to build a wall of cold indifference mixed with some poisonous words that she is about to spit it out.
A deep breath.
She keeps her cool. It was all her fault. She is in no position to be a brat. She needs to be mature for their own good. Rachel deserves better.
"Okay." She stands up and recomposes herself. Rachel frowns, a little taken aback. She was expecting Quinn to argue with her or worse to throw her frustration on her. "I just want you to know that I really am sorry. I am sorry that I wasn't mature enough to stay and hear what you had to say."
She gets close to Rachel; they can feel each other's breathing. Rachel gulps, Quinn's perfume stimulating her senses, leaving her dazed.
"I'm not going to give up on us. But I'm going to respect you and I'll give you space."
She presses her mouth on Rachel's temple, her eyes closed. After a moment, she pulls away.
"I'm gonna ask Santana to pick me up."
"What did you feel? When you kissed her?"
"It doesn't matter."
"It matters."
"Fine." She sighs. "It was good."
Rachel exhales soundly, dejected and somehow tired. She passes over the blonde and walks towards the bathroom. But Quinn holds her arm and stops her.
"I didn't finish. I'm gay. She is a girl."
"I'm aware." Rachel says annoyed as she tries to free her arm.
"You didn't get it."
"Enlighten me then."
"When I kissed you I felt something so different, a click, like, that was so right. I mean, it was so good, but it was more than just that."
She cups Rachel's face with her free hand.
"You're right, you were my first. But you are not just that Rachel. You're not some sort of first experience as I was trying to figure out what I want. You are the one. I know we are way too young to think these things, but is how I feel about you. I love you."
Rachel sighs as she looks at hazel eyes.
"I screwed up, I know."
"I need time."
Resigned, Quinn nods.
Half an hour later and Santana Lopez is standing on the Berry's front door, Brittany right beside her. Rachel is the one opening the door as she doesn't want to run the risk of having her dads inviting the girls over. She is really not in the mood right now.
"Hey guys." Rachel says without her characteristic glow.
"Wow. Excited much?" Even Santana is finding it weird.
"Not a good day."
"What happened?" Santana asks, unable to look indifferent. Rachel is just too hurt to notice.
"Where's Quinn?" Brittany asks.
"I'm here." Quinn shows up behind Rachel.
"Okay, what are you doing here?" Santana gets back to her sassy tone.
"What happened to your arm?" Brittany stares at Quinn's arms. "Why do we have to lie to your mom?"
"Shhh." Quinn asks for silence as she looks behind her, worried that Leroy or Hiram heard it. "Let's go. I'll explain it in my house."
"Where's the key?"
"Here." Rachel hands the keys of Quinn's car to Santana.
"Bye Rachel, see you in school." Brittany waves her hand sweetly. Quinn smiles a little as she glances at her ex-girlfriend for a quick moment.
"See you B." Rachel answers with the same sweetness.
For a brief moment, Santana and Quinn share a look. It's meaningful. As if they both are facing the same truth, they do not deserve the devotion of the other two girls and that they are equally luck for having them. Then they do what they do best, they pretend that the little moment of clarification did not happen. It is not that Quinn doesn't know about Santana and Brittany; that would've been impossible, she was a Cheerio, they shared locker rooms. And it's not that Santana hasn't felt the sexual tension between Rachel and Quinn every time they shared the same room. It is just that, somethings are better left unsaid. Besides, Santana is still not prepared to talk about that.
"I'm going to drive yours. B is going to drive mine."
"Okay." Quinn nods and turns around so she can face Rachel.
"Please, just go." Rachel whispers.
Holding back her tears, Quinn puts on her composed face and follows the other two girls. Rachel feels her heart clenching in her chest for the second time today as she watches the unholy trinity walk away from her house. It seems surreal that they were there. Just like it seemed surreal her relationship with the ex-cheerleader. Maybe she should have seen it coming. Eventually this was going to happen; Quinn would find some other girl. In what world does Quinn Fabray dates Rachel Berry?
She closes the door behind her and she loses it. She pours her heart out as a waterfall of tears run down her face. She manages to reach her room, but eventually Leroy comes to see her. Too hurt to pretend everything is okay and too emotionally drained to make up a story, Rachel tells him the truth or rather, part of it. She tells him they had a fight and that their friendship is over.
"What did she do to you that let you like this?"
"I don't want to talk about that now." She says with her head pressed on the pillow.
"Is she threatening you? Rachel I swear to god…"
She sits up.
"Remember when I was defending her that other day?"
He nods.
"I still stand my ground. I do not regret anything. This is not about Quinn being deliberately evil. I promise. But yes, she did hurt me."
"And how am I supposed to react to that?"
"Just let it go." She starts crying again. "Please." She pleads.
"Rachel."
"Please dad, trust me."
"Okay." He kisses her forehead.
"I'm going to be okay." She reassures him.
Even if unwillingly, he decides to trust his daughter. Of course, now Quinn is on his black list again.