A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away...
(Which still doesn't make any sense since they've had laser guns and hyperdrives for millennia but whatever...)
At the end of the Clone Wars with the defeat of the Separatist Alliance, Supreme Chancellor Palpatine dissolved the Galactic Republic and reorganized it into the Galactic Empire, with himself as Emperor. He set about making many changes which would increase his authority and ensure security throughout the galaxy.
However, several years later, he died in an electrocution accident (or maybe he didn't because people can just return from the dead at random apparently), leaving his brutal second in command, Darth Vader, to take his place. Vader set about with implementing Palpatine's last command, Executive Order No. 66, calling for the destruction of the Jedi Order. This controversial decision ended up plunging the galaxy into endless civil war which had been waged for decades now.
Vader applied the same amount of brute force towards the Rebellion as he did the Jedi, and as such the citizens of the Empire were subjected to the ruthless tyranny of Imperial Security Bureau (or ISB), devoted to ensuring loyalty to the Empire and rooting out suspected Rebels. This led to many arrests and executions in the name of peace and security.
Vader's name was feared throughout both the Empire and Rebellion. No one dared to personally challenge his authority, and those that did never lived to tell the tale.
But for how much longer?
Leia Organa was regarded as one of the most talented of pianists in the whole of the galaxy. She perfected her craft from an early age growing up on Alderaan, leading for many of her fans to dub her with the unofficial title of "Princess" for the sheer quality of her concertos.
On this night, she was performing in a concerto at the Galaxies Opera House, located on the Imperial capital of Coruscant, with the music coming from the popular Mon Calamari play Squid Lake. The crowd was silent but attentive, fixated not only on the sounds of the lovely music but on the display that the Mon Calamari were putting on, bubbles and all.
Leia admitted to herself that she never quite understood their culture, nor the appeal of the bubble comedy. She gets how the play itself would appeal to younger audiences, but she didn't much care. But it mattered little, the music was to her taste and she was being paid a hefty sum of credits for tonight's performance anyway.
In the director's studio, a golden protocol droid named C-3PO (called "Threepio" by his friends) was in charge of broadcasting the performance over the Holonet alongside his astromech assistant, R2-D2 (called "Artoo"). Though a machine, he could appreciate good music when he heard it, and tonight was as lovely as ever, especially from the esteemed "Princess" Leia.
Threepio's communicator beeped, and he quickly answered with, "Radio Coruscant. I am C-3PO, human-cyborg relations. How may I be of ser..."
Artoo turned his dome head when he saw Threepio pause.
"Well, yes, well, I... s-seventeen minutes, you say?" Threepio asked, "Oh dear, oh dear... no, no! No inconvenience at all, thank you! It is the greatest honor!"
The line went dead on the other end.
"Who was that?" Artoo asked in a series of sophisticated beeps and whistles, something that only Threepio could understand seeing as the latter was fluent in over six million forms of communication.
Threepio turned to face in Artoo's direction and said, quite nervously, "The Dark Lord of the... Sith Lord of the Dark. The Lord of the Sith Dark... of... The Imperial Dark-"
"Vader?" Artoo interrupted, "Oh shit. What did he want?"
"He requested that I ring him back in seventeen minutes," Threepio stated.
"Seventeen minutes from when he called or when he hung up the phone?" Artoo asked.
A few gears turned uncomfortably inside Threepio's head.
"He- he said seventeen minutes," Threepio repeated, "So would that mean...?"
"I wasn't the one on the communicator," Artoo said, causing Threepio to panic even further.
On the volcanic planet of Mustafar sat a grand palace overlooking the rivers of lava and ash. Inside the palace, Emperor Darth Vader sat at his desk reviewing lists for arrests and executions drafted by Grand Moff Wilhuff Tarkin, head of the Imperial Security Bureau.
"150 Gungans, eh? Seems a bit much, don't you think?" Vader asked Tarkin.
"Not at all, this was the mercy deal offered Naboo upon their surrender, remember?" Tarkin reminded his Emperor.
"Ah yes, quite," Vader responded, "Very well."
"And I have here that artist, Palo. I know you're a fan of his works," Tarkin explain.
"Shame, really," Vader said, "Leave him on."
"And his wife?"
"Well, they're a couple, ain't they?" Vader winked, but then he felt stupid for doing that because he was wearing the damn mask.
Tarkin blinked, "So...?"
"Yeah, leave her on," Vader said.
Outside of Vader's office stood three high-ranking Imperial officials, all members of both Vader's war cabinet and his staff of advisors, engaged in a conversation recounting their days fighting in the Clone Wars.
"... Chrysalis was hell, don't let anyone tell you different," Firmus Piett, First Secretary of the Imperial Senate, was continuing on with his story, "Our clone battalion was under clanker artillery fire for four days, four fucking days, before we were relieved by the 501st. I mean, those boys definitely knew how to kick ass, but they were slow as banthas coming to our rescue. Meantime, while we're being shelled by the Seps, it was colder than a Nightsister's tit and we had to resort to tossing around thermal detonators just to keep warm. You shoulda seen the panic on some of those fucking shinies, they just about shit themselves when we were tossing them, dancing around like a buncha drunken Gungans."
Piett started to mockingly imitate the clone cadets in his story, making the other two officers laugh.
"It was hilarious, guys, let me tell ya," Piett finished, laughing.
"So, what were the detonators?" asked Kendal Ozzel, Deputy Emperor to Vader, who looked somewhat puzzled. Piett's laughter started to die off seeing that somehow Ozzel wasn't following the story the whole way.
"They were detonators, Ozzie," spoke Galen Erso, Imperial Minister of Science, "Thought that was quite clear."
"Really? 'Cause I didn't..." Ozzel tried speaking before Piett interrupted him, "No, no, no, no, you're obstructing the story..."
Vader was watching all this happening from his office, laughing to himself.
"Ah, those devils. I love having them around. Especially Piett, that guy is fucking hilarious," Vader chuckled. Tarkin smiled through his teeth in response.
"Well, I best be off," Tarkin began, "Those Rebels aren't going to execute themselves."
"Be cheaper if they did," Vader remarked as Tarkin left the office, passed by the Stormtrooper sentries and came across the officers in their conversation.
"Ah, there he is," Erso spoke, "Got your lists for tonight, then?"
"Yes, I got my lists," Tarkin said, raising them up.
"That's right, go and get them, ya big-cheekboned bastard," Piett laughed, and once again Tarkin had to feign a smile as he handed off the forms for arrest and executions off to his subordinate officers.
Once they received their orders, the ISB officers took off with detachments of Death Troopers, Stormtroopers dressed in black armor that served as Tarkin's fist for Vader's will. Upon departure from Mustafar, they arrived on Coruscant and began conducting their raids on numerous homes. Most were arrested and sent to Imperial labor camps, and those who resisted were executed on the spot.
"Your Imperial Highness, it is the greatest honor," Threepio practiced how he would respond to Vader's call, bowing in the process, "Wait a minute, why am I bowing? He can't see me bow."
"Uh, hey, its been seventeen minutes," Artoo told him.
"Oh dear!" Threepio panicked as he rushed towards the communicator to contact Vader. Just then, the concerto ended to rapturous applause.
"Hello!" Threepio spoke into the communicator, "I am terribly sorry about the noise-"
"This is Vader. I want a recording of tonight's performance. I'll send someone to pick it up." Vader spoke, and in another moment the line went dead once more.
Threepio carefully set the communicator down, and turned his attention towards Artoo.
"We have a recording of this, right?" Threepio asked.
"Uhhhh… no?" came Artoo's reply.
"Shit," Threepio called out, and quickly began waddling out of the studio just as the audience started to leave.
"Everyone! Everyone please get back in your seats! I am sorry but I must request that everyone sit back down where they were for I have an announcement to make! Please, take your seats, take your sea- you, take your fucking seats, please."
He motioned for the guards to block the exits to prevent people from leaving.
"Do not be alarmed, dear citizens! We just have a bit of a musical emergency going on here, so if everyone could kindly take their seats that would be greatly- SIT DOWN! DO NOT DEFY ME!" Threepio shouted at people who almost made their way to the exit.
Soon after, everyone was back in their seats where they were before, and Threepio began to address the crowd.
"Thank you, ladies and gentlemen of the Empire, for attending tonight's performance. In fact, the performance of this concerto was so splendid that our glorious Emperor has requested that we play it again, and we will applaud it as we did before."
The faces of the crowd looked very bemused, but they started to applaud anyway for this "opportunity" they had been given. Besides, it was not wise to displease Darth Vader of all people.
Which is why Threepio froze in terror when someone said, "I won't do it."
Threepio turned around to see Leia was the one that spoke to him, still sitting at the piano she had been playing.
"We're doomed..." Threepio muttered, "You, come with me for a minute."
Leia followed Threepio back into the studio, whereupon he said, "I am programmed for etiquette and protocol, so forgive me for being impolite but what in the fuck do you think you're doing!?"
"I thought I made myself quite clear. I will not perform the concerto again," Leia responded, crossing her arms.
"Do you want to get all of us killed!?" Threepio shouted in a low voice, "You don't just defy Vader like that!"
"Vader killed my father, my friends. I have no love for that monster," Leia remained indignant, "and I do not care what happens to me."
"Oh great, so you'd get us all killed just to prove a point to him that he'll clearly ignore! Where's the logic!?" Threepio shouted.
Leia remained silent, so Threepio switched tactics.
"Ten thousand credits," he offered.
Leia smirked, and then said "Twenty thousand."
"Deal," Threepio agreed, "Artoo, you better have the audio recorder up and running in the next five minutes or both of our asses will be left to rot on Raxus Prime."
Vader, Tarkin, Piett, Ozzel, and Erso were all gathered around a large dinner table, each of them continuing to laugh and crack jokes.
"So we have this one Twi'lek girl, whole family wiped out by the clankers, and she helps us to scout the enemy's position while we're on Ryloth, and then she discovered this trick where if you stick a thin piece of metal about half the size of a pinky at just the right spot in a droid's neck, they just fucking collapse!" explained Piett, and everyone laughed before taking a drink of Jawa Juice. Vader was having difficulty getting his straw through his respirator.
"What the- goddammit..." Vader muttered.
"So anyway, we tell this to Captain Rex, and he goes 'If you need to get that close to disable them, why don't you just shoot them instead?' So then I say to him, 'Rex, buddy, if you're talking about the standard B1 model, that's easy stuff, but sneaking up on a fucking droideka of all things seems pretty fucking important!'" Piett finished.
Everyone continued to laugh, and then Ozzel broke the laughter by saying, "Whatever became of Rex?"
There was a tense silence that filled the room where laughter had been just moments before.
"You want to know where fucking Rex is? You want to go there?" Vader threatened, extending out his hand, causing Ozzel's eyes to widen in panic.
"You know, I absolutely love that story about the detonators," Tarkin said before Vader could do anything, getting up from his seat and circling the table over towards Piett, and without warning shoved his fist into the pocket of Piett's uniform.
"Is that one in your pocket, Firmus?" Tarkin laughed, then put his other arm around him and squeezed.
"Ah, come on man!" Piett laughed as well through the pressure, "You always do this!"
Tarkin relented and then he and Piett got into a bit of a mock fight, being cheered on by Vader, Ozzel, and Erso who clapped in unison.
After a few moments of this horseplay, Vader stood up and said "Time for a podracing movie!"
The laughter from his subordinates died down as they all collectively thought the same thing, which was "Oh shit, not again."
The movie wasn't halfway over before Erso fell asleep in his chair and Ozzel was rubbing water under his eyes to stay awake.
"And just as he seemed he was about to lose the race, the daring young pilot makes a comeback and secures victory," Tarkin narrated.
"Hooraaaaaayyyyyy…." Piett unenthusiastically replied. What the fuck did Vader see in podracing? From a backwater like Tatooine no less?
The concerto came to a close (once again), and the tired patrons did their best to applaud in the same manner they had done earlier.
"Excellent!" Threepio said, having gotten a clear recording of a concerto this time and transmitted it to a disc, which he then put in an envelope.
"Should we check and see if its alright first?" Artoo suggested.
"No time," Threepio said, "but if it isn't good, then we'll just spend the rest of our lives in the spice mines of Kessel. No big deal."
Threepio rushed out of the studio as quickly as his mechanical legs would allow him, whereupon he came across two ISB officers who were waiting in the lobby.
"The fuck took you so long? The Emperor is not a patient man," the one officer spoke.
"Sorry about that, we had some difficulties with-" Threepio began before being cut off.
"These fucking clankers, I'm telling you..." the officer rudely interrupted.
"Wait!" Leia called out, rushing forward with a disc of her own in hand, "I wish to convey a message to the Emperor from my heart!"
She rushed forward and placed the second disc inside the envelope, which caused Threepio to panic again, knowing what she had probably intended.
"How dare you-"
"The delay has been logged," the officer spoke, "Now go fuck off a bridge."
With that, the ISB officers took off, Leia smirked, and Threepio looked ready to murder someone.
"What did I do to deserve this?" Threepio spoke to himself, "Oh my fucking Maker..."
"'Whatever became of Rex?' What are you, fucking dense?" Piett chastised Ozzel, as the four officials exited from Vader's palace to their respective shuttles.
"Next thing you know, you'll be asking about where the fuck Kenobi and Windu are," Tarkin teased him.
"Oh, how I miss Chancellor Valorum!" Erso mocked.
"Give it a fucking rest, you guys. I'm fucking drunk and exhausted, I can't remember who's alive or dead or who's a fucking traitor anymore," Ozzel sounded hurt.
"Ozzie, take my advice, when you get home have your wife write down everything you've said. Saved my life Force knows how many times," Piett suggested.
"Well, I must be off," Erso said, "Got a superlaser to prepare, and I need some sleep."
With that, Erso took off towards his private shuttle, and then Tarkin spoke so quietly that only Piett and Ozzel could hear him say, "Yes, goodbye Galen, old friend. Goodbye forever."
Piett and Ozzel looked over towards Tarkin in alarm, and Tarkin, dejected, said, "Yep. On the list. Not my call. If you ask me, it'd be simpler if the shuttle just crashed into the lava river now."
Tarkin then took his leave towards his own shuttle, and then Piett and Ozzel saw Erso waving back at them, oblivious to his fate to come.
"Ah shit," Piett muttered while waving towards Erso. Ozzel waved as well. In another few moments, they boarded their shuttles and left back for Coruscant. As they were leaving, another shuttle arrived, and out stepped the ISB officers carrying the envelope from the opera house. Once inside Vader's palace, they ventured to the door leading to his private room, which was guarded by two Stormtroopers.
The officer knocked, and in another moment Vader opened the door, took a look at what the officer was holding, and then asked "What took you so long? You ride womp rats or something?"
Vader took the envelope and shut the door hard with the Force, and then let his black cape drop onto the floor. He took one of the discs out of the envelope and placed it into his audio projector. Expecting to hear music, Vader was greeted with a woman's voice who had this to say:
"Lord Vader, you and that bastard Palpatine have destroyed the Republic and oppressed the people of this galaxy for far too long. I hope that the Rebellion is able to crush your pathetic regime, and may the Light Side of the Force prevail over you in the end."
Rather than feeling threatened, Vader simply laughed at this idle threat. However, in a matter of moments his laughter turned to extreme coughing, and suddenly he felt horrible. Like all at once his cybernetics decided to combust simultaneously, leaving him unable to breath properly.
"Oh, fuck!" he was able to gasp, and then Vader collapsed onto the floor and lost consciousness.
The Stormtroopers standing guard heard the commotion within, and the one soldier asked, "Should we investigate?"
"Should you shut the fuck up before you get us both killed?" snarled the other. The first soldier then kept his mouth shut, and the pair of them did nothing as their Emperor lay on the ground in need of help.