Crimson Lane - Chapter 16 - Towards the Dawn part 2

Ben's hand hovered above the handle, hesitating. There were muffled voices behind the door; his mother, father, Luke... They were all in there together; talking about him.

He'd done this years ago, just an eight-year-old boy, curiously listening at the door. That night he'd heard words that had changed everything: "troubled", "therapy", "medication". The sound of his mother weeping, his father's pacing. It still haunted him, even now. That night he'd cried beneath the duvet; praying and promising to change.

He should never have listened that night.

And now, at fourteen years old, he still hadn't learnt the lesson.

"You'll be so proud of him, Leia."

That was Luke, his voice, gentle, and strangely emotional.

Ben pushed his ear against the door, straining to hear.

"I mean it. He's amazing, Leia. The boy has a gift. He's an example to the class."

Ben's heart clenched at the words, surely they weren't about him.

"This last year, he's studied hard every day and commit s to his martial arts: Karate, kickboxing, Kung fu , Ninjutsu, he's taking them in his stride."

There was an audible sigh of relief and then: "So the meditation is helping?"

That was his father, Han. He could recognise his voice by that familiar tinge of scepticism. "Hokey religions and ancient weapons" he used to scoff at their training, much to Luke's ire.

"And how is he at managing his emotions?" his mother asked.

There was silence for a beat, and then the sound of a chair scraping on the tiles.

"It will take many years for him to be in control. It's difficult for him, Leia. The boy is so raw. So overwhelmed with his emotions that he struggles to process them. He needs time and peace."

The room fell quiet again, a heavy silence.

"It's not a bad thing. Yes, he has a great capacity for anger, but also an equally strong measure to love and protect. He just needs help. Like we all do at times ."

Luke cleared his throat. "Now Ben, if you're done listening at the door, will you come in please?"

Ben jumped. The door he had been leaning against opened inward, throwing him off balance.

"I was just—" he started mumbling some pathetic excuse but Luke spoke over him.

"I was telling your parents, how hard you've been working with me this year."

Ben nodded, too embarrassed to look anyone in the eye, and made a beeline to the fridge. He wasn't hungry, but he had to do something. He could feel them all watching him . Ben opened the fridge door, drunk from a bottle of orange juice, ending with a loud sigh.

"Oh, Ben!" his mother scolded. "Use a glass."

"You haven't been able to improve his manners then?" Han asked with a wry smile.

"I'm not a miracle worker." Luke came towards him. "I was just telling your parents how hard you've been working, and that I—" he paused, exchanging glances with the others. " We think you're ready to go in the Kyokushin karate tournament this year."

Ben choked, eyes stinging as he banged firmly on his chest.

"What?! Are you sure?"

Luke clutched a hand on Ben's shoulder, studying him as if he were looking at something beyond the surface. "You're ready, kid."

Ben's mouth dropped open, still holding onto the orange juice, not even sure what to do with it now. His father nodded and winked at him, a subtle measure of appreciation and praise that was so hard won. And then Leia rushed at him, throwing her arms around him.

"Mum!" Ben cried out, wriggling out of her hold. He was fourteen now, after all, not four.

"Oh, I know you don't like it, but just let me have this one."

Ben gave her a half-smile and returned the hug.

Everything was shifting. He had focus , he had hope, and most of all he had a chance to prove that could do this.

—

Kylo chuckled bitterly. elbow resting on his knee and the light of the fire flickering across his face: heat and light, dark and shadow. Rey had sat quietly, hanging off his every word.

And then she beamed at him like she'd just connected crucial pieces of a puzzle.

"You trained with Luke Skywalker?!"

Shit.

He swallowed and nodded. He'd forgotten not to mention that—

"I did too!"

"I know."

"How do you know?"

Kylo turned away from her, grazing his teeth along his lip. Too close.

"Come on, tell me how you know?" she asked again, but while her face was playful, there was something in her voice that faltered.

Doubt.

Kylo stared at her, for far too long. He could tell her now, have it all out in the open. Maybe, if he explained things from his point of view she may even understand.

Maybe.

But Probably not.

"That day you attacked me in the alley, behind the restaurant..."

"The day I defended myself, you mean?" she said.

"It's all a matter of perspective. Anyway, that move you pulled was classic Skywalker. I'd know it anywhere."

"You should have told me!"

"But we were having such a nice conversation," Ben said, almost relentingly.

Rey laughed and her eyes crinkled into half moons, as those two irresistible dimples appeared, the way they always did when she found something funny.

"Oh, God. Yes! I'd almost forgotten. You were a right bastard!"

"And you were—" He looked her over and rested his eyes on the fire in her hazel eyes glowing dimly, as she awaited his answer. " Adorable."

"I was not!" she snorted.

"No," Kylo pulled her into his chest, hugging her. "You were sexy and adorable, just like you are now."

He kissed her again and she wriggled beneath him as though she were trying to put up a fight, but couldn't quite make up her mind to do it. Instead, her lips parted, lithely slipping her tongue between his lips.

Like someone had just lit a fire in his core, Kylo felt the blood rush between his legs and the feeling of pleasure mixed with a sense of fullness. He wrapped his arms around her, pulling her hard against him. The feeling of her breasts pressed against his chest and her legs wrapped around his waist, the warm heat of her sex so tantalisingly close to his own, was driving him crazy.

He pressed his erection into her, groaning as he kissed every inch of skin he could find. How easily she reduced him to this like he could barely think of anything else apart from having her right there, on the floor if need be.

"We can talk about it later," he murmured into her ear, grinding against her.

"Don't change the subject!" she panted, gasping for breath between their kisses.

"But I like this subject," he breathed.

She moaned into his hair, encouraging him to continue.

"I want to make love to you," he whispered.

"Okay," she sighed.

"Properly this time."

His fingers searched between her legs, and felt a swell of pride at the warmth and wetness he found there.

He slipped a finger inside her, and then another, growing harder at the feel of her body tightening around him, at the same time his thumb began to stroke her clit.

With hagged breaths and wild moans, she nipped at his ear. "What are you doing to me?"

He smiled devilishly. He would make it up to her now, searching out the places that made her writhe with pleasure, dancing across them gently as she swayed against him, eyes closed and breathing heavy.

"Let me take you to bed," he groaned in her ear. "I'll give you everything you want."

"I—" her words fell away, replaced with a muffled cry as he continued his attention to her.

He loved this. Loved the way her body was like fluid around him, moulding against his own.

Maybe the past didn't matter. Maybe he could just hide it all away and start something new, with her. After all, she'd been so entwined in his life already.

She cried out again, louder this time as she yanked his hand away. "Too much. I'm coming undone here."

"That's the idea," he went back to kissing her, roving his hands beneath her sweater.

"I know what you're doing." She returned his kisses, with just as much ferocity.

"Driving you wild?"

"Avoiding. No more," she said between each brush of his lips. "Not until you've finished telling me the whole thing."

"You're so close though, let me take you to the end," he whispered, fingers travelling back down to her pants once more. "Don't worry sweetheart. I'll do you one better when we finish too."

"Stop tempting me!" Her voice was hoarse, almost fading away as he had lifted her top and started pressing kisses against her breast. She jumped back, moving as far away from him as she could, pressing the back of her hand to her cheek like it was on fire.

Kylo grimaced. "Fine, but it doesn't get any better from here. Are you sure you want to know?"

"You know my history. I want to understand yours."

Kylo felt his face scrunch up, the way he did as a child when he could sense he was about to lose a game.

"Last chance, I could have you on the bed with my head between your legs right now. If I recall, you quite enjoyed that last time."

Rey's lips flickered with a smile, but she reigned it in, the same way she tried to look confident now, despite the fact she was practically blushing from head to toe.

"You can still do that after you've finished the story ."

Kylo frowned, doubting they'd be doing anything once they'd finished.

"It won't change anything, Ben."

"You say that now..."

"And I'll say it then, I promise." She crawled forward, just enough to place her hand in his. "So you went to the tournament?"

Kylo sighed. "I went to the tournament but It didn't work out."

"You didn't win?" she asked, sound so delicately naive that he could have bottled her voice and kept it with him on his march to hell.

"No, I didn't win."

The change rooms reeked of gym socks, piss and disinfectant. Bright lights burned overhead as Ben put on his karate uniform, clear and freshly pressed. His mother must have sprayed it with starch as the material scratched against his skin. Of all the days she would do his laundry, it had to be this one.

He had waited until everyone else had left, not wanting the pressure of getting changed among his competitors and peers.

He had no idea why Luke had allowed him to enter a Kyokushin tournament, it was full-contact, the fights were furious and fast, but perhaps that was the intent.

Kyokushin karate placed a huge emphasis on control and discipline. Luke was challenging him, and so far he'd exceeded his own expectations. Meticulous and controlled, he'd worked through the rounds, gaining wins each time.

Those fleeting two to three-minute fights left him out of breath and red-faced. And he loved it.

There was a burst of sound as a group of people entered the change room. Ben stiffened, even though he couldn't see them, it still made him feel wary.

At last, he tied his belt, black as the night. It was his most treasured achievement. He'd risen the ranks fast to earn it within two years. He thought back to the way Uncle Luke had tied it, so reverently that first time. It was near midnight on a Thursday, they had trained all day and into the night, after a particularly challenging week. They were alone in the dojo, beyond, the arched windows framed a clear sky of blazing stars, thousands of ancient guardians witnessing the ceremony.

"The tree has reached maturity and has overcome the darkness," Luke told him reverently.

The darkness , Ben pressed his lips together at the thought. It never really left him. Not really. He was an imposter here, in this hall, with this belt. No one, not even Luke, knew how close he was to losing control at any second.

He had held back in every fight, but the struggle had been real. Anyone of those boys could have walked away from the mat with a broken arm or dislocated shoulder, or worse….

"If it isn't the freakazoid," a vapid voice echoed from around the room.

Ben froze, fingers clutching into his palms, counting his breaths.

Ten-nine-eight—

Overcome the darkness, he reminded himself, as he looked around the room for the source.

Seven-six-five—

"Did you see his tiny wiener?!"

A boy laughed, followed by another, and another.

Great, a group of losers.

Four-three-two—

"Do you think he knows how to use it?"

One—

"Maybe, he probably practises on his mother!" There was a cackle of laughter and Ben raced through the corridors to find them.

"Nah, he's too fucking dumb to pull his zipper down before he cums his pants ."

Ben rounded the corner to see three students huddled together, cramped over and hugging their waists in stitches. He lunged at them, immediately recognising that dick he'd smashed his head through the glass at school only two years ago. Micah, or Mikah, whatever is stupid name was.

Names were irrelevant, they only sought to humanise people.

"Long time no see."

"Micah," he said stiffly, looking through him, rather than at him.

" Ben," Micah purred, making sure he had the attention of his proud posse. "Looks like it is down to you and me in the final."

The expression of aggression is an expression of weakness. Luke's words, repeating in his mind, as though he were whispering them in his ear.

Walk away. Don't engage.

Ben bowed, feeling the heat burning in his cheeks, making his ears appear fiery and red. In one instant he was that boy in high school again.

The victim.

Weak.

Ben tried to walk past, but with each step, one of Micah's friends stepped in his way.

"We're about to start," Ben muttered.

He could do this. He wouldn't rise to the bait. He just had to get out of this room.

"I wouldn't miss it," Micah followed closely behind him and then added in a whisper. "Prepare to have your arse handed to you, Solo."

Micah marched past, waving to his family and friends like he was a celebrity. There was a loud cheer and the screech of girls voices scraped at Ben's eardrums. His pulse pounded, and his heart felt like it kept stopping and starting again at twice the speed. It made him feel sick.

He followed Micah out into the arena and heard his dad gave him an indistinct shout of encouragement. Ben squinted at the bright overhead lights bearing down on him. Inside, his blood was boiling, a furious, torrent of rage and emotion working through his him as he eyed up Micah.

"You alright, Ben?" Luke asked, his gravelly voice barely audible above everything else.

Ben nodded, focussing solely on Micah's smiling face.

"Stay focussed, Ben." Luke's voice moved around untethered and distant.

Micah bowed at him with a wink.

Ben bowed also, with barely a nod of his head.

The referee took a step back and they began.

The fight was messy and bloody, too sloppy and fast; fueled with antagonised testosterone. Ben channelled everything he'd learnt from Luke over the years, but instead of trusting his skills, he focussed on strength, putting too much weight behind his attack moves. It was making him weary.

Micah danced around him, bouncing on the balls of his feet. His first move was to rush in with a forearm strike smashing the outside bone of Ben's arm. Ben retaliated and tried to backfist him but as if pre-empting his attack, Micah got him on the spin with a foot sweep.

Ben stumbled back.

"Stop trying to hit him hard, you need to outsmart him. Use your reach," Luke's voice came from behind him.

They sparred again, both of them throwing and blocking punches until Ben's vision went black, and a smashing crack broke against his forehead. His eyes grew warm and blurred with blood.

The whistle blew. And Ben scoffed, edging away from the fight. That little shit had gotten him with an illegal punch to the face. Puffed and bloody,
and blind with rage, Ben noticed the way the sound drowned away, the flutter of warning before the wave would come and take him.

Micah's lips moved, smiling, laughing, telling his friends it was "too easy".

In a heartbeat, Ben yanked Micah by the back of the neck and threw him on the ground, pinning him down with his body as he slammed the base of his hand into his nose, breaking it. He didn't wait before aiming another punch to Micah's eye socket, aiming to fracture it just like he had done to Ben only minute's before.

There was screaming all around him, on the edge of his existence, falling in and out. His name, shouted in panicked frenzied tones, and then the shrill screech of the whistle. A pair of strong arms pulled him off Micah and instinctively Ben shoved his elbow back, connecting with something.

There was am audible gasp, and then a cry.

He couldn't stop. Not now the fury was boiling in his blood, all he could feel was heat and hatred at the white hair, blue eyes, flushed cheeks and broad smile, laughing at him. He would smash that smile Micah's face and he wouldn't let anyone stop him.

And no one was.

...

He glanced back. Luke, his mother, father, gone.

No, not gone.

...

He followed the eyes of the crowd, to a small group of people standing by his father. Blood streaming from Han's face, dazed and near unconscious on the floor, Luke and Leia bent down over him, speaking urgently and holding up fingers to count.

"Dad …" Ben stepped towards him, panicked. No one paid attention to him, not even Micah who had crawled away on the floor. Men and women in yellow vests crowded around his father, and he watched in horror they took him away.

"Dad!" he cried out again, unable to see anything of his father now, except for his loose hand dangling beside the stretcher. His mum and Luke, scurrying along beside him,

Fuck , his eyes pricked with tears. This had been a disaster.

He stumbled back The loudspeaker echoed into the stadium, a mixed droll of male voices.

What the hell had he done?

He fell back, stumbling to the floor, unable to control the tears as he gasped for air, spluttering blood and saliva.

Someone handed him a drink bottle, and beside him appeared a pair of shiny, black business shoes, pressed trousers.

That was odd.

He looked up to see a slim man towering over him with a crooked smile and balding head.

"Who are you?" Ben snapped.

"Straight to the point," the old man replied. "I like that."

"Yeah, well. If you'll excuse me, I need to find my father."

Ben went to bypass the intruder, but the man squatted down and placed a firm grip on his shoulder. The same way Luke had done so many times, but these fingers were long and slender, like clamped bones; cold and surprisingly firm, like they would never let go.

"Your parents want you to finish the fight. They sent me to check on you."

Ben paused, studying the man again. From here he could see the way his head was covered in sunspots and crusty skin cancers. Something deep inside Ben's gut warned him against this man.

Dangerous . the thought whispered at him.

"The fight's over," Ben said. "Thanks anyway, though."

He went to move away once more, but the hand clamped tighter and the smile got broader.

"We both know that little dick has it coming to him," the man hissed, and while Ben was surprised at this little outburst, he agreed with the sentiment.

"I've been watching him. He thinks you're a simpleton. You're not wrong to want to beat him. Guys like that need to be beaten. You should never let a bully win, son."

Son . He didn't like the sound of that word, the way it slipped so comfortably from the man's thin lips. But the rest of it, he could get behind that.

"He's too fast," Ben said, his heart still racing and for some reason, the thought of going into fight again was making him breathless with anxiety. "I need to breathe, I can't calm—"

"Forget that!" the man snapped. "I've worked with hundreds of professional fighters, and I can tell you now, Skywalker knows nothing about your true strength. In fact, he's scared of it!"

Ben paused, checking to see no one else was listening. He'd thought the same thing many times: day after day of frustration, wanting to release his strength and power when all his uncle wanted was to hold him back.

"I can see it." The man leant in close to whisper. "That raw power inside you, screaming to get out. Let me help you. I can make you reach your true potential. But first—" The man nodded his head to Micah. "You need to get that fucking runt out of the game."

Micah was staring now. No, not staring as much as gleaming at him. He'd already cleaned the blood off his face, the fleshy pink grazes and tender yellow spots the only sign that he had taken a beating.

"Isn't it enough to win?" Ben asked, already feeling the fury building in his heart once more.

"Winning will not earn this boy's respect. You need to command it. Force it from him."

Ben's instincts were raising, like fur on the back of a dog about to fight, urging him that this was a very bad idea. But what did instincts understand about respect and the chance to put an end to his taunting, once and for all?

"What you're suggesting sounds illegal," Ben said at last.

The man shrugged. "It depends how you do it. There are legal kicks that can be devastating enough when you time it right."

Ben's gaze shifted around the room. Where the hell was Luke? Then again—he took another long look, searching the throngs of people coming in and out of the exits. What Luke didn't know …

"You know I'm right." The man released his grip with a friendly smile, only now had Ben realised how much his vice hold had hurt him.

"Who are you?" Ben asked, surprised he'd let the conversation go without demanding this information.

A bony hand reached out to meet his own. "Alastair Snoke."

Ben started.

Alastair Snoke! Holy shit, everyone knew the name, if not the face.

Multi-millionaire and CEO of the First Order. It was rumoured he often hand-picked the best fighters and sponsored their training with very generous pay packets. Perhaps this was what he was doing now?

The break was finishing, and there was the hurried mutter of competitors and instructors exchanging final words before their matches.

Ben straightened a little, finally ready to listen even though his head was pounding and he was still bleeding. "What do you propose?"

"Have you ever done a meia lua de compasso?" Snoke asked.

"The capoeira move? Surely that's not legal in a tournament."

"It's merely a reverse roundhouse kick with a bit of embellishment. Your enemy won't expect it and the centripetal force makes it extremely powerful. If he comes back from it, follow the move with a swift axe kick."

Ben had practised the move a couple of times, once with Luke when he'd almost taken his Uncle's head off. Luke had since banned him from using it ever again, after thoroughly berating him for being "showy".

He could pull it off, potentially. And Snoke was right, it would never be expected.

"I don't know…"

"Don't give in to your weakness. Look!" Snoke tapped at his knuckles, bruised and bloody. "Your skin is your armour, your bones are hard as stone. A kick like that will finish this. Fast as you can. Hard as you can. Mercy is for the weak. Are you weak Ben Solo?"

"No, sir," Ben stumbled over his words, looking away awkwardly.

"I said are you weak!?"

"No!" He shouted.

"Then go and take this little shit out of the game."

The whistle blew, and Ben was on his feet again, bouncing quickly, darting around the mat, the crowd cheered, or jeered, he wasn't sure which one. His head pounded and his insides were awash with worry for his father and all the time he felt the piercing fire of Snoke's eyes, latching onto him possessively.

"Do it!" Snoke raised his voice above the crowd. "Be a man!"

Micah bowed low, as did Ben.

And then Micah winked at him, as he mouthed the words "psycho." Kudos to him he'd managed to do it without anyone else noticing.

Ben looked back at Snoke, at his wraithlike body and eyes dark and hungry. He gave him a nod and the smallest smile.

Micah came at him with full force and speed. Ben spun around, his hands slamming to the matt, as his legs swung out in a reverse roundhouse kick. He would always remember the feel of Micah's face beneath the sole of his foot, followed by the pounding thump of the boy's body hitting the ground. By the time Ben repositioned himself, Micah was dazedly trying to clamber to his feet.

"Finish it!" Snoke shouted from the side.

Micah coughed and blood spluttered onto the mat.

He was the weak one. Not Ben.

He had almost gotten to a stand when Ben stepped forward, shooting his right leg up in an axe kick, then brought his heel down fast on the back of Micah's neck.

Micah smashed to the floor and the auditorium went silent, watching wordlessly as the boy lay still on the mat. There was no whistle this time, or crowds pulling him away. Just the hum of the lights and the slow melodic clapping of one person. Ben looked up to see it was Snoke, and then, to the exits where Luke was standing now by the door, his face white, like he was looking at a monster.

—

Kylo paused, pinching at the unformed tears.

He wasn't sure how long he'd stared into the fire, lost in the way the glowing embers floated and popped. The firewood was black and broken now, moulding into ash and stone. How easy it was for life to be destroyed? The pull of a trigger, a kick of the leg, blood, no blood, fast, slow.

There was a gentle pressure on his hand, and he was almost surprised to see Rey was still reaching out of him, her fingers moulded with his.

"Are you okay?" she asked.

Kylo pulled himself out of his thoughts, they were dark and magnetic, drawing him in. But Rey was like the sun, the moment he looked upon her the darkness subsided.

She dipped her head, smiling at him, waiting.

"This part is…" His hand clamped around her own, a lifeline to hope. "You won't want to stay."

"Hey." She placed her hand along the line of his jaw, bringing him to face her. "I'm not going anywhere... "

—

His mother was crying, dabbing each tear away with her handkerchief. His father was yelling, at no one in particular, Luke maybe, Ben probably, but it seemed to vary. Han's right eye was no longer swollen from Ben's hit at the tournament, but the shadow of it was still there, a gothic rainbow of black, brown and mustard green.

And then there was Luke, leaning against the door frame of the dining room trying to look calm, but Ben could see the way his fingers squeezed white pressure points into his forearms, the worry lines cut above his brows. He was scared shitless. They all were.

Ben sat at the dining table, arms folded, head down. He tried to look penitent, that was what they wanted him to be, but in reality, he was still angry at Micah, at Luke, at all of them for believing him to be someone other than he was. Ben glowered at the family photos on the buffet, picture perfect studio shots, with a smiling boy and his doting parents, each of them placing a hand on his shoulder.

Luke wrung his hands as if giving life to the expression to wash one's hands of the situation.

"There is no question about it, Leia. They will use all of this evidence against him at court. The tournament footage shows every move was intentional."

"Of course it was intentional! We were in a tournament for God sake," Ben snapped, still not brazen enough to raise his voice.

Han pressed his palms on the edge of the table, leaning close to Ben. "Do you have any idea how much trouble you're in? A boy is dead because of you!"

"If you think I fucking care about that loser you're deluded."

"Oh my God," Leia slumped further into her chair, delicate fingers twisting her empty sherry glass, eyes flicking to the bottle next to it wantingly.

"He was a dick!" Okay, he was yelling now. What was the point in holding back? "One less dick in the world. Is that really a bad thing?"

Leia stared at Luke mutely. But his uncle merely shook his head, as if they were speaking on some other plane.

"Yes!" Her hands were in the hair now, voice trembling. "Yes! It is a bad thing. I can't believe—I don't—" She looked to Han, seeking solidarity, but he was staring at the floor. She continued, voice breaking now. "Do you have no remorse? You have taken someone's life!"

"Why should I?" Ben snapped, burning fury in his gaze at every single one of them. "I didn't think it would have killed him.."

Han scoffed, arms folded and face red. "You didn't think, no son, you sure as hell didn't think!"

"What are our options?" Leia asked, looking to Luke for answers.

Luke exhaled, crossing his arms and stood a little straighter as he spoke. The "do not mess with me" expression, Ben knew so well from training.

At last, he said: "Ben needs to take responsibility for his actions."

"But surely…" Leia began.

"You can't keep bailing him out, Leia. Not on something like this. You shouldn't. And they won't let you anyway."

Every word coming out of Luke was making him furious. "So, what are you saying? I'm going to Jail?"

"If that's what the court decides."

"We have lawyers, I'm sure we could…"

"No!" This time it was Han speaking. "Luke's right. It's time Ben understood there are consequences to his actions."

"Consequences?" Ben roared as he lurched out of his seat, ignoring the way it crashed on the floor behind him.

"We took a punt on you Ben, a big one," Luke said solemnly, having enough gall to look like there were tears in his eyes.

"This is horse shit!" Ben shouted.

"Get out.! The voice was quiet and stern. Enough to pull him back from the physical rage, but not the one thundering in his heart.

"Don't tell me to get the fuck out of my own house," he screamed at Luke.

"He didn't say it. I did!" Leia's voice was clearer now.

Ben looked wildly around seeking someone to help him out of his rage, to anchor him in the sea of fury that was threatening to drown him.

"I want you out of this house right now—"

"I can't fucking believe this!"

"Now! You can come back when you're ready to face the consequences of your actions."

—-

Kylo's heart was racing, he'd never told the story to anyone before, but even now,
every word he spoke made the pain feel just as fresh as all those years ago.

As if he had been holding his breath, Kylo released a grunt, the telltale threat he would cry if he didn't take back control. Gnashing his teeth, and straightening his spine, he tried to breathe through his nose. But still, his eyes pooled at the corners.

Weak.

He tried not to look at Rey, but in his wild attempt to look anywhere else he was automatically always drawn back to her. She was breathing hard, cheeks wet with the tidy streaks of dried tears.

"Don't cry," Ben tried to say it softly.

She shook her head. "I'm not."

A single drop ambled down her cheeks, and she blinked it away.

"Did you go looking for Snoke then?"

"I didn't need to. He came after me. As I was roaming aimlessly around the street, he called me up. Told me he'd heard how everything had gone down and that he had an offer to make everything go away."

"I bet he did." Rey sat back, cross-legged. He started wondering if telling her all of this was a mistake. How much could she take, before she decided he was just too fucked up?

"I was terrified, Rey. I know there's no excuse for it. For any of it. But in the end, I was just a messed up 16-year-old kid."

Rey nodded. A small smile fettered on her lips. Unreadable.

"Keep going."

—-

Ben waited by the front door of number 12 Crimson Lane, trying not to look at the glaringly obvious red light blazing above him, or the way it bathed his face and hands in a violent red glow. It was after midnight, he'd been walking all evening, and his heels were covered in broken blisters. He just wanted to stop.

Pushing the door open, he saw a striking giant of a woman with white-blond hair and a condescending expression.

"Well, look at what the cat dragged in."

Ben squared his shoulders. "I want to see Snoke."

Phasma laughed, the sound was low and bitter. "No one sees Snoke."

"I do." He only stayed long enough for her to roll her eyes, and by the time she was finished, he had forced his way into the office.

Inside the room, Alastair Snoke sat like a king on his throne, with a mustard gold rob and amused expression.

Kylo was taken aback suddenly, he was expecting something different, more professional perhaps. But this was far from professional.

"Who the hell are you?" A red-haired man marched up to him as though he was personally assaulted by his presence.

"Come, come, Armitage," Snoke said with a wave of his hand. "This is the one I was telling you about." He gestured for Ben to come closer and continued talking to the man named Armitage. "So, did they borrow the money?"

"The whole hundred grand."

Snoke clapped his hands together, saliva bubbling at the corners of his mouth. "Excellent!"

"You're not going to get it back."

"After all these years, you still don't understand how this works, do you?"

Armitage's lips tightened in a pressed line, but he said nothing.

"What's more valuable, Kylo Ren?"

Ben furrowed his brow, taken aback by the wrong name. Are you talking to me?" he stammered over the words. "My name is Ben."

"It was Ben. I have a new name for you now. So let me ask you, Kylo . What's more valuable, a hundred thousand grand or a life debt?"

"The life debt," Kylo replied.

"There!" Snoke nodded, narrowing his eyes at Armitage as though to press the point like a knife in the chest. "Here." He pulled out a manila folder from his desk and slid it to Ben. "Tell me what do you see?"

Kylo brought the folder close to him, flicking through the pages.

A pair of drug addicts, the father worked casually as a bus driver, but his shifts had been cutting back due to missed work. The woman photographed in the folder had small pock marks and scars over her face and cheeks. She looked pretty far gone in the picture, and he suspected the father was too.

And then, on the last page, a picture of a girl, she couldn't have been older than five or six. He hair in three buns and sun-kissed in many freckles.

And there was the real win. Family, love, it was most people's weakness.

"They have a daughter. She's not living with them, but still, it's all leverage."

Armitage scoffed from the shadows, but his eyes were bright and watchful. "So what, we're bringing kids in now?"

Snoke shook his head. "We'll use her when we need to. Good find, son. For now, I have a better plan." And then his eyes fixed on Kylo, like two armoured targets, leaning forward, voice low and caressing. "You're in deep shit my boy. Manslaughter charges, murder with intent perhaps. It's not good."

Ben's heart skipped a beat, he was only just sixteen, he couldn't go to jail for the rest of his life. His life hadn't even begun yet.

"But perhaps..." Snoke paused for effect. "All is not lost. Perhaps you would like it to disappear."

"Is that even possible?"

"Anything is possible. If you're willing to pay the cost."

"Tell us what you will have us do." Armitage stepped forward, his voice grandiose and pathetic in the same instance.

"Go for the hands. Make it so he can no longer work. I don't care what you do, cut off his fingers, break bones, just make sure he can't earn.."

Kylo swallowed. Shit. This was not what he was looking to do at all. But somehow, the gleam in Snoke's eye gave him the impression that he would not be walking out of here freely tonight, or anytime soon.

"If he can't work then he won't pay," Armitage stated, arms folded.

"Exactly. They'll be desperate. And desperate people will do anything" Snoke sneered as he turned to Kylo, "So, are you going to help us?"

Ben took a step back, eyes flicking between the exit and Snoke.

Would jail be worse than this—selling his soul?

"It seems a bit extreme," Ben stammered, looking to Hux for support but he received none. He wasn't quite sure where this pale-faced guy fit in. He was barely older than Ben but had obviously worked with Snoke for a while. If he had any moral issues with the underhanded side of Snoke's business he wasn't about to show his cards here.

"Extreme, you say?" Snoke asked, raising his eyebrows in surprise. "More extreme than killing a young boy in cold blood. Indeed, what is a couple of minor bones to save you from lifetime imprisonment."

Ben was silent.

"This is the end of the line for you son. There is no one left to help you."

He hesitated. Snoke was right about one thing, this was the end of the line. If he took a job like this his family would never take him back. The cost was increasing, family, freedom, morality...

"They'll destroy you in there, son. You won't last longer than a week," Snoke continued. "The rich son of a senator. You may as well go in there and shank yourself."

"Okay," Kylo hissed, feeling heat curling up his neck at being pressured into this. In the end, he could always fake it, or run away. He would think of something …

"Excellent." Snoke tapped the pads of his fingers together with a mercurial smile. "Hux here will video it for me. As soon as the job is done, I'll make the call and you'll be free."

—-

That night Ben sat alone in one of the upstairs rooms of the brothel, still as stone, as if he was anchored to the bed.

There were papers sprawled at his feet and there was the picture of the freckle-faced girl in his hands. He only moved in micro movements, nostrils flaring, a tic tugging at the skin beneath his eyes, the subtle tremble of ash-white fingers grasping hold of the photo.

She was so young, without a family that loved her, or even knew she existed. He didn't know why thoughts of her had grabbed hold of him. She was just a girl. But perhaps he took comfort in the fact that there were other people who were alone in this world.

Why could he not look away from the photo? Something about the innocence of her face. The quiet truth that they were both attached to this nightmare somehow.

The apartment had been a slum, with broken windows and exposed needles. No sign that a child had ever lived there or could ever return. The father had begged for more time, the mother was coming down off something and sat slumped in the corner, not really aware of her surroundings.

Snoke would give them more time. Years if he wanted, as long as he could keep them on a leash.

God knows what he would make them do over the years.

Or what he would make Ben do.

His phone dinged with a message. It hadn't stopped ever since he'd left home. Message, call, voicemail, one after the other. Han, Leia, Luke, they'd even gotten his godfather Lor involved.

But he couldn't go back. He'd made his bed the moment he walked out that house and now he would lie in it.

He took his clothes off and got in the shower, closing his eyes as the water streamed down his face and over his shoulders.

There was a knock on the bathroom door, and before Ben had even grabbed a towel, a woman stepped into the bathroom. She had long brown hair and wore a sheer, red robe, with a lip ring and rose tattoo swirling across her breast.

Ben stumbled back, swallowing, his erection bounded up at the sight of her.

His cheeks burned and he tried to cover his penis, embarrassed, but at the same time unable to look away from the blush-brown nipples and curvacious waist leading down into rounded hips.

She had no underpants. No anything.

The prostitute smirked, her dark blue eyes running up and down his body too, as she tilted her head, trying to see what he was hiding.

"You must be Ben."

She advanced on him again.

Was this the surprise Snoke had planned? He had not expected this. He was still a virgin and he sure as hell didn't want to have his first time with an experienced woman.

"What—What are you doing here?"

Her laughter filled the room, snappy little laughs that reverberated off the bathroom walls. "Perks of the job. You're a knight now, and Mr Snoke likes to keep his knights satisfied. My name is Tessa"

She slipped off her sheer robe, not that it was hiding much before anyway.

But even still, her naked body bought a new kind of flush to his cheeks and his cock throbbed, aching for release.

She stepped forward again, opening her arms as he dropped his hands, distracted by her nakedness. With a satisfied nod, she took note his size and smiled once more.

"Come here then, big boy,"

Fuck it! So much for a romantic first time with someone that he loved. He was hardly going to turn her down. She ground her body up against his, rubbing her breasts against his chest, kissing his shoulder, neck, and jaw.

She leant up on her tippy toes, those blood red painted lips puckering as she aimed for his lips but he grabbed her wrists, almost flinching at her touch.

"Don't touch me!"

She laughed again, hyena-like. It made his blood boil. "What are you frigid or something?"

Blood coursed hot and angry through his veins, the stress and horror of the evening burned into his mind. He needed to explode, to get it rid of it all somehow. It was all too much, keeping it inside, the guilt, the shame, the fucking reality that he had killed a kid and broke a man's livelihood.

Her hand curved around the width of his cock, pumping.

"You like this, don't you kid?"

He grunted, a nod. Closing his eyes. "Just not all the touching, okay?"

She studied him dubiously, forcing him to look away from her.

"And that," he almost growled. "That makes me uncomfortable."

"What!? Me looking at you?"

"Yeah," he grimaced, she was looking at him like a freak, but he didn't care. If he was going to do this, he needed to have some ground rules. "Look, get a paper and pen and write this down."

"You serious?" She scoffed at him, but did what he said anyway. "You can give this to all the girls here. No kissing, no touching, no eye contact …"

"Anything else?" Tessa asked with a dramatic eye roll.

"And no questions."

"Right, no questions." She wrote with a dramatic tap of her pen. "Just a fuck then."

Ben nodded, face resolved, eyes dark and heart racing.

"Just a fuck."

—

He'd missed things. Lots of details. Too many. As Rey stared up at him, wonderous and a little scared, still freckled, still young compared to him.

He hadn't told her about the girl in the photo.

The words had been there, right at the tip of his tongue. Three little words. The picture … It was you. It has always been you.

No. That would lead to more questions and more revelations. Some she may not be so ready to forgive. Was it too much to ask for just one night?

Rey hadn't said a word. Even now, she sat with her legs tucked under her bottom, hands on knees, child-like and innocent.

"Say something," his voice was thready, shattering around the edges. " Please ."

Those hazel eyes, wide and dark in the gloominess of the room, wandered through the empty space, buying time, thinking.

She shivered, the fire had burned down low and. Kylo wanted to keep her warm in his arms, but maybe now she wouldn't want him to touch her.

And why would she?

"So let me get this right," she said, her voice sharp-edged and stern.

Kylo's heart felt like it had dropped to the base of his stomach, disintegrating in acid as she recounted the story in her own words.

"A boy who spent your youth bullying you faces you in the finals at this karate tournament and fractures your eye, and somehow gets away with it. Then, when once your down Snoke sweeps in and gives you advice to pull this move, which backfires in the worst possible way. Snoke then lures you in promising to help you but is really trapping you into a deal you can't ever leave: work for him or presumably, he will expose everything you've done for him even though he has forced you into each job by blackmailing you for the last. "

She took a breath, "Is that about it?"

Kylo furrowed his brow. "Yeah, I guess so," he stammered out.

"Bastard!" she spat, lurching to her feet.

He almost laughed at her response, this was the last thing he had expected. Screaming, crying, leaving, hating, anything but … support?

She was storming around the room now, pacing back and forth in front of him.

"He thinks he can fucking manipulate everyone into playing his twisted games. Has no one stood up to him before now?"

"Once," Kylo said quietly, remembering the broken ribs, the scars burned into his back, from the one time he had tried to leave. "It didn't go well."

"Fucking bastard!" she shouted this time, her eyes filling with hot tears. "How can any of us get out of this?"

"Hey," he caught her as she marched past him once more, she was stiff in his arms, fiery and resistant. He stroked her hair, pulling her close to him. "Hey, it will be okay. To be honest, I thought you would have left after I told you— "

"No," she peered up at him, appearing almost angry at the thought.

"I killed someone, Rey," and his voice broke as he said it.

"Yes, you did a bad hit, but Ben we both know you never meant for that to happen."

Kylo shook his head, unable to face her.

"It was an accident. Hell, I even sent the odd person to hospital when I was training. It was full contact martial arts, shit happens. Apart from that, you were a fucking child and Snoke took advantage of you. I think you said as much to me once. Anyway, what kind of person do you think I am to run away as soon as you open up to me?"

"I reserve the right to not answer that."

She narrowed her eyes at him, and with a sudden step forward, playfully drove a punch to his shoulder. He blocked her, unable to hide the smile now. She spun around and tried to foot sweep him but he preempted her move, pulling her forward and lifting her in her arms in a bridal carry.

"You—" he tapped her gently on the nose— "are asking for trouble."

"What? I wanted to see how good you are," she teased.

Her eyes narrowed at him mischievously and all his senses rushing to the pulsing want between his legs. He had her now, trapped in his arms, at his mercy.

She bit her lip, eyes flicking to the bed involuntarily and Kylo raised his eyebrows, following her gaze knowingly.

"I didn't mean that —" She blushed.

But it was too late, no more talking. No more waiting, he swept her up in his arms, carrying her, almost stumbling along the way as he rushed to the bed awkwardly. Rey laughed as he threw into the sheets.

"I meant your karate," she exclaimed through her giggles.

"Sure you did."

Covering her mouth in a thirsty kiss, he pushed his tongue within her lips as his hands worked around her body, finding the base of her jumper, stroking along the soft skin of her abdomen teasingly.

"What about the no kissing rule!" she gasped, throwing her head back and exposing a long sun-kissed neck as Ben licked along the line of her collar bone.

"Fuck the rules!" his muffled voiced grated against her chest, as his hands search greedily for the elastic of her tracksuit pants, tugging them down, unable to wait any longer."I'm going down on you."

He peppered rushed kisses down her abdomen.

"Okay," Rey gasped, her chest already arching and collapsing with every touch of his fingers and lick of his tongue.

He yanked her underpants off and she squealed with surprise. "Honestly, you don't need to—"

Her words fell away as he buried his lips between her legs, sweeping his tongue along her with slow, circulating strokes of his tongue. She arched her back in response and with a breathy moan, she weakly tried to close her legs.

"It's too much, you've done enough," she said, although he suspected the intent was rather half-hearted and with an amused smile he wrapped his arms around her legs locking them apart.

Her fingers searched down to his head, nails scratching through his hair in some primal motion, she was loud, and he liked it. It pushed him on, to kiss her harder, to lather every cavern and fold with his tongue.

"Rey," he said between kisses.

"Ye—" she had tried to answer, but was unable to form a complete word.

Kylo smiled broadly, lavishing the way she responded to his touches. "Those rules—"

No answer, a base cry, unrestrained, her legs clenching in his hands, rock hard thigh muscles twitching and surging.

"Rey," he said again, feeling so hard at the sound of her own pleasure, wanting to drive himself into her and share the magnificence of her body.

"Those rules... they were never meant for you…"