PART ONE: ANACHRONISM

Chapter XX: Professional Burglar In Action

"Have you seen Bonnie?" I asked.

"Bonnie's here too?" Nick hesitated. I could practically see his head spinning, but once again, he decided to wait until we returned to Ohio before bombarding me with questions. I cannot express how grateful I was to him for that. I don't think either of us could have handled the full truth right then. Finally, he said, "I haven't seen anyone except goblins."

I glanced away, trying to ignore the guilt that clawed at my insides. "Makes you miss your friends, huh?"

"Mainly my girlfriend."

"Bleh." I wrinkled my nose. "Who would miss Joanna? She's an itch plus the—"

"Don't say it," said Nick. "And she's not bad. I don't see why you and Bonnie dislike her so much."

"Urg. I'm not getting into this right now." I turned towards the group of dwarves and Gandalf.

The Company stood a little way down the rocky, mountain slope. Two pine trees towered on either side of the dwarves, casting them in shadow. Their faces held equally grim expressions, as if they'd just realized something unsettling.

As I made my way down the slope to join them, I asked, "What'd I miss?"

"Mister Baggins appears to be missing," said Balin.

Okay, I'll be honest with you: between the chaos of goblin town and the joy of finding Nick, I'd completely forgotten about the missing Bilbo. I glanced around at the Company and said, a little sheepishly, "Oh yeah. I noticed he was gone while we were being shoved along that pathway." I ignored the worst-case scenario and said, "He must have slipped away. He is a burglar after all."

"If he is a burglar then I'm a rat," said Kíli.

"You are a rat, Kíli. A hairless one," I said. Dwalin nodded in agreement.

"Why did you not speak when you realized he was missing?" asked Gandalf. There was a frantic urgency to his voice.

"I was a little concerned with the kidnapping and the Bone Breaker," I said.

"He must have snuck away when our backs were turned," muttered Dwalin. "He may not be a burglar, but that hobbit is as tricky as he is cowardly."

"Bilbo would not leave us!" cried Kíli. "He may not be a burglar, but he is not a bad hobbit."

"He planned on leaving us earlier," said Thorin darkly.

"He did?" With wide eyes, Ori looked around the group. Most of the dwarves had the same puzzled expressions on their faces.

"He did," admitted Bofur with some reluctance. "He said he wanted to head home and that, unlike us, he did not belong on the road."

"Well, that is true," said Dwalin. "The road is not meant for half-hearted folk." He said something in Khuzdul that was not at all flattering to Bilbo.

"Oh, look, there's a thrush over there. Nick? Do you see the thrush?" I pointed up at one of the pine trees. "I like thrushes." I liked them a lot better than I liked insulting Bilbo. The poor hobbit had only wanted to leave in the first place because of Thorin's harsh words.

"He has wanted to go home from the very beginning," said Dori.

"Uh, yes, Ana," said Nick. "That is a very nice thrush."

"He looks down on us," said Óin. "He thinks that he has a home, while we are nothing more than wanderers."

"It's such a pretty thrush." I glanced around helplessly at the group of dwarves. Their shoulders were tense, their eyes narrowed, and with each word, their anger grew. Dwalin looked like he seriously wanted to hit something…or someone.

"He only wants to go home," said Bofur. "It is not his fault."

"Oh look, the thrush is flying away. Look! Last chance to see the thrush! Going, going, g—"

"Ana," snapped Thorin, "no one wants to see the thrush."

I stopped, still pointing at the spot where the bird had been perched. I tried to be the reasonable one, and yet I was getting scolded by Thorin. It wasn't fair. I was wound up enough emotionally over finding Nick and having to tell him that he missed six months of his life in Ohio, and I really didn't need to deal with Thorin right then.

Slowly, I turned to glare at Thorin. "Well, since we're accusing Bilbo of every misdeed under the sun, why don't I accuse you, Thorin? Hm? You want to know why Bilbo tried to leave? Because you're a huge jerk who told him he didn't belong here. Way to make him feel like an outsider, Thorin. I mean, you of all people should know what if feels like to not belong somewhere."

For the first time, I saw genuine anger in Thorin's eyes when he looked at me. He didn't yell, but in a very low, very dangerous tone, he said, "That cowardly hobbit has thought of nothing but his home since the moment we left the Shire. He should just go home then. He is no burglar, and he has no desire to aid us on our quest. I have no need for a half-hearted companion—he has been nothing but a burden since he left his fire."

"You're a stupid, stubborn, pigheaded dwarf!" My hands actually curled up into fists. I wasn't normally a wrathful person. Loud, erratic, and obnoxious, yes, but rarely ever angry. Thorin, of course, knew just how trigger my anger. "Did you ever for one second consider how Bilbo felt? How much he's given up to leave his home and come help you on your quest? You're so frigging selfish."

"You think to lecture me? You approach everything half-heartedly and know nothing of responsibility. I bet the hobbit has run home long ago and left us to die, and no doubt you will do that same too. You have never stayed for anything in your life, and you will not stay now. You're nothing li—" Thorin broke off.

I glared at Thorin, waiting for him to say something more, but he was silent. He didn't look at me, instead staring at something over my head.

The rest of the dwarves didn't dare speak, their eyes flickering between Thorin and me. Nick looked ready to run away, and Gandalf seemed to be caught somewhere between frustration and worry.

I can't truly describe all the emotions raging through me right then. The words that Thorin spoke rung true to the things I disliked about myself. I knew that I was irresponsible—it was the nature of my life. I couldn't help it that I Skipped. I couldn't help it that the moment I became invested in something, I disappeared. I was not made for things like responsibility and stability.

"What do you want from me, Thorin?" I snapped.

He still wasn't looking at me when he opened his mouth to respond. "You—"

A small, familiar voice then said, "Um, before you two decide to argue more…I'm right here."

I spun around and saw a hobbit standing on the mountain slope, his brown eyes wide with surprise. His hands moved towards his pockets, and I saw him slip something golden into the right one.

"Bilbo," said Gandalf with a sigh of relief. "You made it out."

"Bilbo!" cried Kíli. "We had given you up."

"How did you ever make it past the goblins?" asked Fíli.

Without much hesitation, Bilbo launched into his story of a professional burglar in action.

He had managed to sneak away from the goblins by simply using his small stature to his advantage. However, when he tried to follow the captured Company, a goblin attacked him, and the two of them tumbled into a pit.

In the depths of the pit, Bilbo encountered a little, shriveled creature with huge eyes and not very many teeth. Gollum (or so Bilbo called this creature) killed the already injured goblin with a rock and dragged the dead thing back to his lair. To avoid being murdered as well, Bilbo came up with the idea of a game of riddles. If Bilbo won, Gollum would show him the exit, and if Gollum won, then he would eat Bilbo. In the end, it was Bilbo's victory. (He did not make any mention of the Ring, I noticed.) Gollum, however, planned to eat Bilbo win or lose. Anticipating this, Bilbo hid out of eyesight, and Gollum, thinking Bilbo already knew the way out, ran for the exit. And following this unknowing guide, Bilbo escaped from the depths of the Misty Mountains.

The dwarves roared with laughter.

"Very well done, Bilbo," they cried as if they had not just been badmouthing him minutes earlier. "Such a great story— We did not realize what a great burglar you actually are!"

Despite the celebration and the return of the hobbit, Thorin scowled. "There is something I do not understand. Why did you come back?"

The other dwarves shifted uncomfortably, knowing that many of them had doubted their companion.

Bilbo shuffled his feet as he searched for the right words. "I know that I do not belong on the road. I miss my home. I miss my armchair. I miss having six meals a day. But somewhere in the dark, I realized that while I have a home, you do not have one. Someone took it from you. I think you deserve a place to miss as well. And so, I will help you take it back." Bilbo considered this statement and revised. "If I can."

Thorin actually managed a small smile.

"There we go," I said. "Bilbo came back. You know, he probably ran away in the first place because Thorin's majesty was just too intimidating." I stopped. I had completely forgotten that I was supposed to be angry at Thorin.

Thorin didn't respond to my majestic comment, and I wondered if he was also having a hard time forgetting our fight.

In the end, it was Kíli who broke the awkward pause. "Or, Ana, Bilbo could not stand your mentions of majesty any longer. Or your terrible outfits."

"Yeah." Nick glanced over my t-shirt and boxers. "Not a good fashion choice."

"I told you," I said. "I was going to bed—at least I wasn't in the shower this time."

"The shower?" Nick's eyes widened in surprise. "You came here while showering? When did this happen? Wait, how much do we have to catch up on?"

"Oh, not much, just life story," I admitted.

"We should depart these slopes as soon as possible," said Gandalf, who had little appreciation for my witty conversation. "The goblins may try to avenge the death of their king."

"That jerk," I muttered. I rubbed my arms, still remembering the pull of the Bone Breaker.

It was unsettling to think that less than an hour ago, I'd been strapped into a torture device. If it hadn't been for… I glanced over at Thorin. He stood with Balin and Dwalin as they made sure that everyone with injuries had been seen to. Once everyone had been patched up, the Company would begin its descent.

A part of me was still angry at Thorin for calling me irresponsible, but I could hardly stay angry forever. Besides, he hadn't exactly been wrong.

"This is such a beautiful place," said Nick.

I tore my eyes away and stared up at Nick (he was well over a foot taller than me, and it caused me neck pains to look up at him for too long). "What?"

"In goblin town, everything was dark and ugly," said Nick. "But out here, under the sun, this place is really beautiful."

I knew what he meant. The Misty Mountains stretched on for miles, both north and south of us. The high peaks were cast in crisp light, and rich, green forest covered the lower slopes like a warm blanket. However, to me, what was even more awe-inspiring was what lay beneath the mountains. The entire dwarven kingdom of Moria stretched beneath these stones.

"I wouldn't want to stay here though." Nick shuddered. "Just the occasional vacation."

"Really?" I glanced over at the mountain slopes again. "I don't know."

"You want to stay here?"

What did I want? I didn't even know. "I—"

A rolling howl cut across the steep slope.

Nick and I spun around, searching for the source of the bone-chilling cry. On a mountain ledge, not far above where the Company stood, I spotted a group of about twenty orcs and wargs.

At the front of the pack stood a massive white warg. On its back sat a pale orc with scars crisscrossing across his face and bare chest. Where the orc's left hand should have been, a twisted, iron contraption had been inserted. He leaned forward on the warg's back, leered down at us, showing jagged, pointed teeth.

A shiver ran down my spine as his small, bone-white eyes came to rest on me.

The pale orc shouted something in the black speech, and with a chorus of howls, the wargs started down the mountainside.

"Run!" shouted Gandalf.

There was no need to tell us twice. The dwarves, Bilbo, and Gandalf started down the mountain slope. Nick started to run too, but I caught hold of his hand before he could get too far ahead.

"Don't let go," I said. "I don't want to Skip without you."

"Skip?" asked Nick, pulling me along as he ran down the steep rocks.

A warg pushed off with its hind legs and flew through the air towards us. Its mouth open, revealing sharp, yellow teeth—

Skip.

Nick ran into my wooden bedframe. His legs kicked up, knocking me off my feet, and we both slammed face-first into my mattress.

I lifted my face off the duvet. "Whew. At least, we got a soft landing."

"You got a soft landing," said Nick as he rubbed his shin. Then, he seemed to fully realize where we were. His dark eyes took in my bed, my dress, and my mess of clothes before he managed to ask, "Wh-what was that? Ana—What's going on? How did we get back? Where are the dwarves?

"The dwarves are still in Middle Earth," I said, glancing at my alarm clock. It was almost eight in the morning. "Oh thank God, I made it in time." I hopped off the bed and sprinted to the dresser. "Look, I'll tell you in a bit."

"What?" Nick gawked at me.

"Not now, Nick." I turned to him with a proud smile. "I have to ready for my date."

"Your…date?"

"Yes, with a cute neighbor named Jack. I was worried the Skip would make me miss it, but I guess it took pity on me today."

"'Skip?" Nick repeated the word with a blank expression. The gears in his head seemed to be turning at rapid speed as he tried to keep up with me. Then, the words started pouring out of him. "How can you just leave? How did we get back? What about the dwarves? Are we just going to abandon them? How can you just go on a date like nothing happened?"

I paused, holding my date clothes over the dresser drawer. Nick asked questions that I had struggled with for so long. It was almost funny now, to see someone else grappling with the jarring nature of the Skips. I almost laughed. Nick was new to the Skipping. He didn't understand. What happened in my two lives needed to be kept separate. Middle Earth was Middle Earth, and Ohio was Ohio. They weren't allowed to overlap, or everything would start coming apart at the seams.

"I'll tell you later." I glanced over at Nick, saw him in his grimy clothes sitting on my duvet, and added, "And get off the bed."

"Don't give me that," snapped Nick. "Don't pretend you're going to tell me later and not tell me."

"I—"

"You do that all the time. Bonnie and I will ask you where you've been and what you've been up to, and you give us all these bullshit and lies. I've just spent the past few days in a cage surrounded by goblins who fed me bones and made me tell jokes. And the things I saw… Ana, you owe me an explanation."

"And you'll get one!" I cried, my voice unnaturally high-pitched. "I promise you, you'll be get one. But first, you need to get off my bed because you smell like goblin. Second, I need to get a shower and prepare for my date. Actually, no. You get a shower first. Then, I'll get a shower. Then, we'll sit down with coffee, and I'll explain what I can before my date. Deal?"

Nick took a deep breath. It took him a minute, but he managed to calm down. He glanced down at his dirt and sweat stained t-shirt and thread-bare jeans. "Yeah… I could use a shower."

So that's what we did. Once we were both clean and I had picked out a cute date outfit, we sat on the sofa for a talk.

I told him the whole story. I told him about the Skipping when I was six. I told him how it'd been going on for fifteen years and how I'd accidentally brought Bonnie and him to Middle Earth. I told him that Thorin was majestic, Elrond was grand, and Legolas was pretty boy while Kíli was a hairless rat. And I told him that Boromir was my best friend and that dwarves are better than elves. And I told him I was apparently the equivalent of a magic rock called the Senturiel and I was going to go crazy and I just wanted everything to stop.

Nick listened attentively. Perhaps he knew that if he stopped my ramblings, I'd struggle to start talking again. It was only when I finished that Nick finally spoke.

"Your life is really fucked up."

I nodded. "Yep."

"And your parents don't know."

"Not a clue."

"Wow." Nick leaned back against the sofa. "I mean, wow. Your bullshitting abilities are beyond my comprehension."

I laughed. "The amount of bullshit I've had to come up with is ridiculous. Sometimes I can't believe the excuses I get away with using."

"And you've been running around with Thorin and the dwarves for a while."

"Thorin longer than the rest of the dwarves," I said.

"I could tell."

I winced. I hadn't even managed to talk to Thorin about our fight before I Skipped back to Ohio. I definitely didn't want to discuss that fight with Nick. Thorin's words had hit too close to home. So instead, I said, "And then I've got the Fellowship. You should meet Boromir some time. He and I are besties. Man, I wish he lived in Ohio. We'd hang out all the time and go bowling and get drunk a lot. I have yet to beat him in a drinking competition. Actually, you know who I have to beat in a drinking competition? An elf. I don't care what elf it is—I just need to beat an elf. Maybe Arwen. Arwen doesn't seem like she'd be that good of a drinker."

"Is Arwen that hot female elf you told me about?"

"Yeah."

Nick clapped his hands together. "Alright, let's go to Middle Earth and beat Arwen in a drinking competition."

I sighed. "Remind me never to bring you to Middle Earth again. She has a fiancé, you know."

"Aragorn," said Nick. "But he's off on a dangerous quest from which he might never return—"

"If you ever mention such a plot again, I will feed you to a warg."

"Don't remind me." The smile faded a little, and Nick stared at the half-empty coffee mug in his hands. "I've just spent three days in goblin town, and you're saying six months has passed on Earth and I'm on the missing persons list. You know what I want to do? I want to see my sexy girlfriend, lock myself in a bedroom with her and not come out until I can't remember that goblins exist."

"Nicholas Brandon Hamersley, you would rather spend time with your dreadful girlfriend than me?"

Nick rolled his eyes. "Who's the person about to go on a date?"

"Me." I grinned at him. However, the joy paled as I processed the rest of his words. Six months lost. I took a sip of my coffee and then asked, "What happened with you in goblin town? How did you avoid being eaten or being tortured?"

"Mad skill," said Nick.

"Tell the truth."

Nick bit his bottom lip, and I realized that this might not be something he wanted to relive. It felt a bit unfair, since I had just revealed my entire life story. However, as kindly as possibly, I said, "You don't have to tell me."

"No," said Nick. "No, I will." He took a deep breath. "After you Skipped me to your Middle Earth and somehow managed to lose me along the way, I ended up in the middle of goblin town, right in front of the goblin king's throne. The goblins thought it was magic, so they were scared of me at first. But soon they realized I was kind of pathetic—I didn't know how to use a sword or anything like that—so they decided to eat me. I tried to explain to them that I was a vegetarian, and it would be awfully ironic and cruel if I died by being eaten. Somehow, the goblin king thought this was hysterical so he made me tell him another joke and another and another and another. That was a kind of torture in itself. I used up every bad joke I knew. Even knock-knock jokes. You know how much I hate knock-knock-jokes. Eventually, the goblin king locked me up in a cage and had me tell jokes whenever he got bored."

"It's good to know your terrible sense of humor is good for something."

It probably wasn't the right thing for me to say, but Nick's eyes had glazed over and he probably hadn't heard a word coming out of my mouth.

"It was awful," said Nick softly. "They wouldn't let me out to go to the bathroom. They didn't let me bathe, and they thought it would be funny to feed the vegetarian meat and nothing but meat. They would toss me leftover bones from their meals. And they had court while I was there. Have you ever seen how goblins punish their criminals?"

"The Bone Breaker," I said. I couldn't inject enough loathing into those three words.

Nick hesitated for a second and then, with a strained smile, said, "I'm glad you didn't get your bones broken."

"Me too. I like my bones whole and functioning. It helps me run away from things that are trying to kill me."

Both Nick and I stopped at that; the image of things trying to kill us was all too real at the moment.

"So." Nick shifted uncomfortably in his seat. "When are you going back?"

"Back?"

"To Middle Earth."

I shrugged. "I don't know. Whenever I next Skip. It comes and it goes."

"What about Bonnie?"

I curled my legs up underneath me. "I don't know. I've spent the last six months looking for you two, and I'm amazed I even found you. I won't ever stop looking for her, of course, but who knows where she ended up."

"Do you think she's in the same time period that I was?" asked Nick.

"Possibly. It doesn't really matter if I know when she is though. I don't have any control over where and when I Skip to. All I can say is hopefully you're not holding on to me next time the Skip takes me."

"Yeah. I'd rather not go back any time soon." A shadow crossed Nick's eyes but he quickly masked it with a wicked smile. "Or you could be holding onto Jack during your date and Skip him to Middle Earth with you. You know, dangerous adventures are a perfect way to spark romance between two people."

"Then why aren't I in love with you?" I said. "Besides, Thorin and the dwarves would be too much for poor Jack."

"He sounds like an idiot," said Nick.

"He's cute," I said. "I don't mind a cute idiot as long as he's normal and willing to tolerate my Skipping." I glanced at the clock. It was fast approaching ten o'clock. "Oh shoot!"

"What?" asked Nick, jumping up from his seat. "What's up?"

"My date!" I cried. "Jack is going to show up at any moment—how do I look?"

Nick gave me the once over, taking in my black jeans, leather riding boots (the Sword Breaker was hidden in the right one), and button-up gray blouse. Even on my first date in a long time, I didn't dress up. I just couldn't ignore the possibility that I could Skip. So, trousers and boots and weapon were my only choice.

"Great," said Nick, giving me a thumbs up. "I would never be able to tell that you were just running away from goblins and almost eaten by a wolf."

"Warg," I corrected. "Okay, okay, when Jack knocks on the door, I want you to hide."

"Hide? Why?"

"Because I can't be seen with another guy in my apartment right before a date."

"Ana," said Nick, patting me on the shoulder. "No one would think you're capable of handling two guys at once, trust me."

"You just saw me running around with thirteen dwarves."

"Even then."

Two crisp knocks sounded from the hall.

Heart racing, I sprinted towards the door, only to trip over my coffee table (not my finest moment). Nick strode past me and opened the apartment door in one smooth movement. He stood face to face with Jack. Well, more like face to chest. Nick was over six-foot and Jack was more in the five-foot-seven range. But the two guys stared at each other for a moment.

"If you do anything to hurt my precious Ana," said Nick. "I will feed to the wolves." He paused. "Wargs."

I stood up from the floor. "Nick, get away from the door! Sorry, Jack, I told him to leave but he didn't want to. I was just, um, tutoring him for his history class…"

"Yeah," said Nick. He glowered at Jack. "You're interrupting our study session."

"Go away, Nick," I said, stepping through the doorway and grabbing Jack by the arm. "Let's go."

Nick suddenly grinned at us and waved enthusiastically. "Goodbye, sweetheart. Have fun on your date!"

I slammed the apartment door behind me before turning to Jack with a smile. "Ignore that idiot. He's lived amongst goblins for far too long. We were going to go get coffee, right?"