"Normally I would not be so petty as to use this phrase in a diplomatic meeting, but considering the childish reactions of the wizarding world thus far, I am left with no choice but to say we told you so."
These were some of the opening words of the first muggle to address the International Confederation of Wizards, specifically referring to the fate of Azkaban.
"In the days leading up to the destruction of Azkaban Prison our representatives across the world warned you time and time again that Godzilla would not take kindly to one he saw as family being locked away. In response you obliviated them - removed their very memories of your egregious crime - simply so that you would not have to listen to us. You say Azkaban was home only to the worst sorts of people, but in your refusal to cooperate with us the only one we know that was locked there was a twelve year old child! Have you no shame?"
There was an uproar from the wizarding representatives at that, some even forgot that they were under muggle guard and reached for their wands. It took a warning shot from one of the guards to make them remember the precise situation they were in.
The UN had completely subsumed the ICW, but was currently giving them the chance to prove that they should continue existing as a government liaison between the magical and muggle worlds.
It was not looking good for the ICW.
Though not perfect by any means, the UN was largely meritocratic, but the ICW was clearly and openly filled with people whose only qualifications were wealth or knowing the right people. In this situation where actual work was required they were doing little more than throwing temper tantrums.
The UN's representative continued, "We arranged this meeting as an act of good will, to show that we do not want to come as conquerors but as equals. However, you have spurned this offer time and time again. The truth is that the world is changing - that it has been changing ever since the wizarding world went into hiding. Choosing to be left behind is no longer an option, and so as the duly appointed representative of the nonmagical world I will ask one last time: will you join us in shaping the future for a better and more open world?"
The response was a resounding "NO!"
The woman at the podium shook her head and once the noise died down she continued, "Very well. With great regret but no alternative, by the power vested in me by the nations of the world I hereby immediately dissolve the International Confederation of Wizards and all Ministries of Magic!"
Silence fell instantly as shock overtook the ICW's representatives.
"We have not been idle during the weeks leading to this moment. Your rampant cronyism and elitism has led to those you call half-bloods and muggleborns coming to us with the stark realities of the way the magical governments function. We the people of the world did not want to believe them, because they painted a picture of a backward and stagnant world, but during our short time interacting we have seen nothing but proof of their claims! As a result, we prepared for this moment.
"First with the dissolution of all magical governments, all of their employees are stripped of all ranks and titles because of the inherently unreliable methods by which they were chosen.
"Second, going forward all employment choices will be decided by the merits of the individuals in question, no matter their birth, wealth, connections, or species.
"And finally a new interim government is being established to make sure that these changes are brought about. Until the magical world proves capable of governing itself responsibly, all functions previously performed by the ministries are now the purview of the Magical Sapients' Union."
The effects of this pronouncement would be felt for years to come, but there were some very noticeable immediate effects.
Money began flowing from physicists to magical book stores as arithmancy - the closest thing the magical world had to a framework of scientific knowledge - became public knowledge. Physicists from around the world began making hypotheses and calculating possibilities that could account for the hitherto unknown force called magic. Anthropologists and biologists started traveling to parts of the world once believed to have been thoroughly explored. The reveal of sapient species that had kept themselves hidden - and of a wide variety of animals previously unknown - drove a frenzy of academic travel. Chemists, physicists, and biologists alike began looking into potions, as it was unclear which science - if any - the subject fell under. Linguists rushed to document and begin learning the newly revealed languages of goblins and merfolk. And historians began scanning magical history books for any connections to nonmagical history.
But for the magical schools of the world, the change was not at all pleasant, as the new publicity brought a degree of scrutiny and skepticism hitherto unknown to them. Hogwarts in particular was left scrambling, as both Dumbledore and Snape had fled rather than face judgment for what they'd done in their positions of authority.
Mere days after the dissolution of the world's ministries of magic, it was a subdued group of staff that met the eclectic group of safety inspectors from the MSU. The inspectors were an eclectic group - mostly human, but with a few aliens. The only reason that they weren't even more diverse was that delegations were currently discussing newer, ostensibly fairer treaties with the goblins and other species that chose to have a government of their own.
None of the staff could remember Hogwarts ever having come under such an inspection in their lives. All manner of devices referred to by all manner of names and acronyms inspected every stone in every corner of the castle over the course of the month. On being cautioned that Hogwarts was Unplottable as a security measure, a pair of the inspectors had shared a grin and replied, "Challenge accepted."
Common rooms were scoured from top to bottom, hidden rooms were revealed, and even the legendary Chamber of Secrets was opened and searched - though if the inspection team found anything in there they kept it from the staff.
However the greatest shock came on the seventh floor beside the portrait of Barnabas the Barmy. One of the inspectors - apparently one of the talented witches who'd been tempted by the MSU's promises - was casting a number of diagnostic spells and muttering, while one of her colleagues scanned the wall with a device and scratched his head in confusion.
"Okay, we're all in agreement that something is here, right?"
"Affirmative," replied one of the aliens.
"That means we've come to the hard part. Figuring out how to find whatever it is."
"Would it not be prudent to ask one of the caretakers? The ones referred to as 'house elves.'"
One of the older elves came when they called for one, and revealed the secret of the Come and Go Room, also known as the Room of Requirement, a secret not even the staff had known about. But it was when one of the inspectors came out of the room looking positively dumbstruck that the staff knew something truly unique had been discovered.
"We need you to call the Hogwarts house elves. All of them."
Professor McGonagall, as acting headmistress, asked, "Why?"
"My colleague 'asked' the room for all its hidden objects. That room is equal parts a gold mine and a garbage dump of a thousand years of stashed items. We need to inspect everything for safety's sake, but we'll never get anything done with the room in that state. I'm reliably informed that house elves enjoy working, so we want them to help us organize the room."
Suffice it to say that the elves were thrilled, but even with the entire staff of house elves working in shifts, the room took nearly a week to fully organize. At one point though the witch who seemed to be the inspection team's leader murmured something to one of her nonmagical colleagues, who's expression turned especially grave. He then spoke into one of his many handheld gadgets and called for a large lead box. The Hogwarts staff asked about it, but received no answer other than that it had been needed to contain an especially hazardous object.
After that was finally done, it was time for the team to inspect the Hogwarts grounds, including Black Lake and the Forbidden Forest.
Inspecting Black Lake was more complicated than expected, because the men and women in scuba gear were promptly deposited back on the shoreline by the giant squid, who apparently thought that they'd all fallen in.
"Did… did a giant freshwater squid just pat my head?" one of them asked rhetorically.
Instead, they found a way to coax a few of the merfolk to the surface. Then, because one of the inspectors inexplicably started flirting with them and even more inexplicably they started flirting back, more had to be coaxed up. Thankfully, the second group was not receptive to any advances, and the inspection team were able to explain to them what they were doing, why, and how to use the cameras to document what lived in the lake. After that, it was all smooth sailing, although Hagrid heard the team murmuring about an alarming number of grindylows.
The Forbidden Forest was better and worse than all expectations. The unicorns were majestic and friendly. The thestrals were baffling and friendly. The centaurs were gruff and rather rude, but on receiving a thorough explanation warmed slightly and permitted visitors.
It seemed all would be well until they came across the acromantulas.
The team fled, screaming.
As the rest of the team recovered - at least one of them requiring lots of hugs and hot chocolate - one of the aliens, an Xian, approached the Hogwarts staff.
"The book we received, Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them, declares acromantulas to be a tropical species. Might I ask if one of you knows how an entire colony formed in a Scottish forest?"
Hagrid had the awareness to look sheepish as he provided an abbreviated version of Aragog's life story and how he'd released him into the forest to protect him… and then found him his mate Mosag because he was lonely.
The Xian had simply nodded, then returned to the inspection team and relayed his findings. They were not pleased.
"Under ordinary circumstances," the witch who seemed to be the leader explained, "that colony would be grounds for a failing grade and the shutdown of the school. However, we have a solution we believe to be amenable to all parties, including the acromantulas."
And this was how, some hours later, Harry Potter and Rubeus Hagrid came to be supervising Jet Jaguar as he lowered Kumonga into the colony.
It takes a spider to think like a spider after all, and they needed someone to explain the benefits of living on Monster Island.
Author's Note: Hold on for Chapter 29 - it'll be up in a few minutes since I think that this chapter and that one are too intertwined to truly separate.