Part 32; To Reemerge into Nothingness.
I get so jealous because I know
How easily replaceable I am.
I'm nothing special.
Sansa
Those needful actions were the last thing the scarlet-haired female had expected. Especially out of Reek. He was always so timid.
So needy—but afraid of that need.
Heedful of hiding the true being underneath the façade of scared, trembling limbs. She was well-aware that he harbored the intent for darkness. Buried somewhere underneath all that fear.
But to feel it emerge. Take control.
It shocked her.
And she loved it. Through that lovely, warmth, and haze. It felt so indescribably good, to merely submit—to give in to all that Reek was.
After the screams of their enemies. Blood, sweat, and tears, leeched from those evil souls, most of the day, Sansa felt pride in the sense that she had Reek all to herself.
And as her hazy; blurred mind came full-circle, the very last thought she had, before sleep came to call, was that, she loved Reek—more than anyone.
Reek
Consciousness.
The first vague thought that came to mind, as his eyes peered open. Dull, morning light shone in through a crack in the curtains. Warm-heat pressed in on him, made him feel safe. Sound.
Subconsciously, Reek arched his left arm over her side. Coiled around her waist, he instinctively, pulled her in.
He still felt a buzz from the Poppy, and this time, that buzz made him feel good.
Not bad.
Images from the night before ran rampant in his memory banks. He remembered all of it. Slowly, Reek weaved through the tangled web of haze. Clung tight to every detail. He wanted the memories to stick with him. He had so few that were good, and purely his. Not a split memory from another time. As someone else.
His mind wandered to Theon. Wondered where his other personality was.
And then—he felt it.
The prying. Poking—searing pain—right in his temple.
Theon was near to the front of his cortex. Right in view—one more push—and Reek trembled in fear. He did not want to leave his safety net. He fought to stay.
He wanted to whisper 'Good Morning' to his beloved. He wanted to kiss her again.
So many elusive wants soared in his mind.
But he was ripped back.
Into darkness.
Theon
Awareness came to him.
Light. Love. Memories.
Then—Realization dawned.
Theon jerked upright, tore his arm from around Sansa's middle. He consciously felt the jolt from her body as he surged her into wakefulness, in the process.
He remembered the pull of hands on his flesh. The sound of his own skin tearing from the force of that man's thick, cock. His own screams of agony.
Theon shuddered. Shivered in the chill of Sansa's bedchambers.
He had wanted a bit of freedom. That was all, just a tad bit of leeway, to explore, and potentially, find a life away from these castle walls. He recognized the foolishness of his own choice now. So foolish.
"Reek? Are you okay?" Sleepy-eyed, Sansa rubbed at her eyes, peering at him. "Do you need the chamber pot?"
Reek?
How long had he been gone? Theon only remembered willing himself to depart. He could not remember the aftermath. Not all at once; not with his head so foggy.
Still, he recalled his own selfishness, and betrayal of his marital vows. How could Sansa ever forgive him for it?
The kisses he shared with another woman. The shameful way she tricked him, and gathered men to attack him, whilst he was left incapacitated. How could he ever trust anyone, ever again?
Sansa reached for him, but he jerked off the bed. Stood, winced from the dire sweep of pain that surged straight up his spine.
His face felt like it was on his fire. Bruised as it was. And his skin felt flayed. Worse than when Ramsay had a go at Reek. Worse, than anything he had ever experienced before. Aside from, (perhaps) the removal of his lower parts.
Sansa was on her feet in a flash. Hands reaching up to cup his cheeks, before he could prevent her. "You are okay. You are safe. You are with me, remember? Do not be afraid, Sweet boy."
He whimpered, instinctually. Craved the kind touch after so much bad.
But he did not deserve it.
Gathering his bearings, he lifted his hands to her wrists, pulling them down.
"I am not, Reek. I am Theon." Mournful, emerald-eyes, met sapphire.
And recognition lit up, Sansa's eyes. He could see the cogs of her innermost, mind, turning as she attempted to decode which 'Theon' was gazing back at her.
"You were gone for a long time." Her tone, changed. He almost could feel the hesitance in it; in her. There was an iciness in her voice. All of the compassion he felt a moment before, dwindled away.
Did she know what he had done? Had Reek told her?
Currently, his focus was inconclusive. The drug felt like it was still imposing on his mind. Despite her insistence that he had been 'gone' for a long time.
He could not help but to wonder, how long, exactly, was 'long'?
Something in the way she looked at him, made him feel uneasy. He was used to her gentle touches, the encouragement, and compassionate thrall that engulfed Sansa's personality. Even when they fought, he knew he could come back. That everything would be alright, if he apologized, and kissed her.
This time—things felt different.
He remembered his last thoughts. Pinned under those rough, calloused hands. Scrapes of his own nails as they uselessly, met the sheets of the whore's uncomfortable, pallet. He had been helpless. Held. Torn. Raped.
If he closed his eyes—he could still feel it.
The way Sansa regarded him, with unreadable-eyes, Theon knew, with gut-wrenching, horror that she was well-aware of what had transpired that night. How could he ever look her in the eyes, and feel anything, but despise, again? He despised himself.
He was unclean.
And he remembered their fight. The last time they spoke, he promised it would be the last for a while. He vowed only to come to her, if his other personalities were near the surface. Did she really love Reek more?
Based on the soft way she had spoken when she thought he was Reek; he had his answer. Plain and simple.
But it still stung, no less to hold that knowledge.
Theon closed his eyes, and swallowed a thickness in his throat.
He remembered that one of his last thoughts, was that he wanted to find comfort in Sansa's arms. He had just wanted her. No matter the consequences. They could be no worse than what came from outside these walls.
"How long?" He was still attempting to process his complex emotions. In the interim, he could feel Reek just at the back of his mind. Pleading for re-entry into the forefront. Theon was not ready to let go. Not until he knew what had happened, then he would give in.
He no longer deserved to be the 'protector' of this body, not after what he did.
"A few days." She admitted.
His stomach churned, and he gave a slight, nod. His eyes downcast, and his jaw twitched.
He reached up, as though to touch her—and then thought better of it. He deserved no comfort. Not after, all he did. He bit back, bile in his throat.
"I can bring Reek back. He wants to come back." His voice was fragile, tired. He did not know what he expected his reemergence to feel like, but this was far from it.
"Wait." Sansa's voice transcended his thoughts, she initiated the contact, this time. A subtle touch to his cheek. "Reek could not tell me why you were found outside a brothel…what were you doing there, Theon?"
His skin crawled. Reek had not known? Usually their memories were fluid, easy to access between personalities. Why had Reek not just sought out the memories for himself? Told Sansa the truth of it? Theon wanted to feel like a man again. Just an ordinary man.
He did not want her to know the truth. Not especially, with the way she already viewed him. Her eyes hollow, dark pools, toward him. He could imagine the disgusted way she would view him, if she knew his truth. He allowed his guard to fall for a pretty, young thing. Let his manly urges stipulate his actions. Rather than listen to his instincts. He wanted to feel loved.
His jaw set. Eyes shifted in embarrassment. "I do not wish to speak about it." He admitted. He remembered the way that brothel, whore had gawked at him when she felt his lack of manhood. Her confusion, then the flicker of disgust on her face. Sansa never gave him that look. Not for that reason, anyway.
"Were you there to seek pleasure with a whore?" Undeterred, Sansa pressed him. There was no sense of care, nor compassion in her eyes.
He flinched. He deserved nothing from her.
A tear leaked down his cheek. He had thrown away the only good thing that came from what Ramsay did to this body.
Sansa.
She was light. Pure. Beauty.
She was everything, and he let his selfishness, and pride, drive her away.
"No…Not at first, I only…I wanted a place to sleep…" She deserved to know. Even if it destroyed whatever trust they had between them, through all these months. "I was recognized in the village. No one would offer me a room. So, I went into the brothel. For warmth, and a bit of food. The whore approached me, and I…I offered her a coin." He could not look at Sansa. Not as he spoke the words.
"She kissed me, but when she felt what I had between my thighs…" He could not finish the statement. His stomach churned.
Sansa's eyes were still unreadable. He could not tell what she was thinking. But he could imagine.
"She was repulsed by you." Sansa, spoke the words he could not. He flinched away from the truth.
"I just wanted to be held. That was all I wanted. And she offered me a drink. Slipped me milk of the poppy. When I woke up…" Hazy recollection of the men that occupied the tiny, room came to mind. Ale on their breath. Repulsive skin on his skin.
He wanted to burn the memory permanently from his mind.
"You could have come home." Sansa's tone was still laced with ice.
"I…I know…" And he had. He just could not face the consequences of their fight. He had not wanted to.
"So why didn't you?" She pried.
"I saw the way you looked at Reek…at Theon…I could not bear to come back. Not knowing you loved them more. I wanted to experience the world on my own. Just for a little while." He felt foolish. So foolish.
"Was it everything you hoped it would be?" Her words bit at him. His head hung in shame.
"I regret it, Sansa. All of it." He teared up. Worthlessness, fused into his bones.
"As you should." He felt the stab in his belly, at her bitter words. "You told me you were the protector of this body. That you were here to protect Reek, and Theon. Was that all just a lie?" She inquired. Pushed.
Horrified, Theon looked up. "N-No, of course not—"
"Then why did you leave when it was time for you to protect them? Why did you leave Reek to be raped, and brutalized?" She took a breath. "You told me that Reek could not handle rutting with me in the courtyard, because it would break him. Yet, you were fine with letting him bear the brunt of being raped, while drugged? The instant you had to be a true protector for Reek, and Theon—you fled. Like a coward!" Accusations flew at him, and he could not deny them.
Not one.
The contempt he saw, reflected back at him in her gaze, made him want to die.
He hated himself.
Tears fell, reflexively. "I just wanted the pain to stop…"
"Some protector you are." She snapped at him. Aggravation clear in her gaze.
"Sansa—"
"Tell me, why did you deserve to cower, while Reek took the brunt of the pain? Did you even feel a portion of it? What was done? What you brought upon your body?"
Theon broke into sobs. He could not help the rush of emotion that overcame him. He felt small. So small. He could feel the pain right now. Perhaps not the brunt of it, but enough to make him want to leave again. Depart.
"I have always hurt…This body hurts all the t-time…" He spoke in-between heart-wrenching sobs.
"Not like that." Sansa insisted, and it was true.
"No…not like that…" He agreed. Defeat was plain in his eyes. He felt broken.
"You come back now, Theon. Why now?" She pried. "Because the pain is manageable? Why should I offer you comfort now? Why should I even trust you?"
Her words cut him to the bone.
"I do not know…" What else could he say?
He could never atone for what he had done. Never.
"I loved you, Theon…despite what you believed, I did love you."
He glanced up as he heard those words. Loved. She no longer loved him? Was incapable of it? His heart sank.
"Loved…?"
She bit back tears of her own.
"You are a part of my husband…but I do not know how to love you, now. How can I love someone, I no longer trust?"
His heart broke apart. He felt gutted. He wanted to flee—but fleeing would only cement what she already believed of him. That he was a coward.
"We are still…married…" The broken pieces of his heart, ached.
"I married, Theon. You are not Theon. Just a pretender. A fraction of the man I love. A piece of his past." Her voice softened, though her words still stung.
He was worthless, in her eyes. He ruined everything.
He lowered to the stone. Unable to support himself on his feet. He felt the cold, hard, surface, and the sting from his rear-end as he touched the ground. His body was in such pain. Even now. And he felt scared, lonely. Tired. So tired.
Why had he emerged? He no longer felt Reek, attempting to push through. It was just him. Him and her. He sobbed into his hands, curled up like a child. This was the worst he ever felt. The most hopeless, bleak.
He could feel her eyes on him. Then, felt her kneel down to the stone. Settle alongside of him. But she made no move to touch him.
"I t-thought of you…I regretted everything…including the way I left. I thought they would kill me…I wanted to die. I wanted to die, before it happened again…" He remembered the last thought he had. He thought the tear of his sphincter was what it felt like to die. It hurt more than he could describe. His skin was on fire. Fire and pain. Haze.
"I thought I was d-dead…I thought it was r-release into d-death…I did not know R-Reek would e-emerge. I d-did not know…" He did not know why he proceeded to sob to her. Plead to her, like a child would. He knew it would do him no good.
What good could possibly come of this now?
"They tore off my c-clothes…Told me I deserved it, that I killed their loved ones…" If he had—he could not remember. Those days from when he took Winterfell—he longed to forget.
"I am s-sorry, S-Sansa…I should have e-endured it…I should have s-stayed…I deserved to feel a-all of it." He felt his mind break apart. His lungs constricted with the pain of taking in air. He was such a coward. Worthless. A disgrace.
"Theon…" Her voice was softer, tone less harsh. But still, he deserved her ire.
"I am n-not a man…n-never deserved you…nor how g-good it made me feel to have y-you." He felt like ripping himself to shreds. He felt like dying. He never wanted to feel again. Not anything. Ever again.
He could not help his stuttering, his trembling. She broke him (whatever was left of him) the rest of the way open. He hyperventilated, until his airway felt constricted. Until he could no longer gasp in air. And the world went black. He hoped this time—it was forever.