Author Note: Thank you once again for your patience and continued support with this little story. We're going to briefly detour from wedding planning and the likes, but I assure you that it'll all come back to the forefront after this chapter.
Note for "Her Little Secret, His Little Dream" fans: I definitely have not forgotten you, nor am I abandoning that story! In fact, I should have the final chapter up and ready in just a few days!
Disclaimer: I don't know own Downton or any of the songs referenced!
As always, I hope you enjoy!
_._
Thursday, the 13th of February, 2020
12:37 p.m.
They were out in the courtyard as per his request, the choir director informing Linda that she was perfectly capable of working with any soloists who dropped by. As it stood, he wouldn't be able to work with anyone on anything related to music –– not when he still needed to explain everything.
What should've been explained more than a year ago if not a few months ago had been swept under the rug by him yet again. And though Elsie had been terribly understanding –– to the point where she'd explicitly, repeatedly told him she didn't need to know anything until he was ready to talk about it –– he felt this was much too important to delay.
Luckily, Clar had consistently called him back to not only hear the whole story out but also advise him on how to manage it. Which had led to this moment, a distressing scene wherein the air was doing its best to replicate a disorienting tremolo. Nevertheless, that was how it was always going to be. And, so, after trying to regain his bearings once more, Charles was ready to at least try give this conversation a go.
"Elsie, I am so sorry for not having said anything before." At the time, omitting this part of his past hadn't felt like a lie. It'd only felt like he was protecting himself, avoiding the shame of it all by never bringing this up. It was only now, in light of Charlie Grigg's crass attitude, that the choir director realized he could have handled this better. That he found he should have handled this better.
"It's all right, Charles." He exhaled in relief at the empathetic tone, trying his best to set aside his nerves and hear her out, "I can understand not wanting to share something that clearly bothered you. But, what I don't get is why you pretended to be so indifferent to a cappella music in the first place. As though you'd never come across it, never sung it before."
That stung, rightfully so.
"I can't really explain it," Acting foolishly comes to mind. But, he didn't need to voice the word he knew she'd inherently disagree with. "I suppose I'd been too ashamed of my past to risk voicing it."
"So, the more I pressed the more I made you uncomfortable?" Elsie prodded carefully, feeling more than one pang of regret over the matter. Sure, it had all ended well. And, sure, they'd been different people then. Their relationship hadn't been anything like it was today, that much was obvious. That didn't take away her guilt over the subject. That didn't take away the fact that she'd probably pushed him to do too much, undoubtedly having forced him to trust her much sooner than he was ready to.
"Well, not exactly..."
_._
Thursday, the 6th of September, 2018
7:48 a.m.
"Heavens, no, I'm not interested in creating a Glee Club, Mr. Carson. I'm simply interested in enriching the lives of our charges with an a cappella sound." He had looked up in dismay at the rebuttal, sensing more was on the way. Elsie Hughes was proving to be quite the match when it came to choir-related matters; if she managed to change her tune and adjust to Downton's traditional way of life, he'd honestly appreciate such verve in his classes. Not that he'd be telling her that anytime soon- oh, wait, she hadn't finished her thought. Best let her get it all off her chest:
"Besides, the ladies are picking up the pace rather well, surely they can handle learning a few more songs."
Ignoring the flashes of memory that piqued at her words, shoving aside the sounds of his own rehearsals picking the songs up, unending rehearsals dedicated to this particular genre, "Yes, well, regardless of how well the ladies are picking up their pieces, Mrs. Hughes, I simply must protest. I have found in my time that a cappella music really is just Glee Clubs and a scandalous attempt at sound that is somehow allowed to reign free in the world. So, you'll forgive me if I don't put much stock into what you're planning to get the Advanced ladies –– of all singers –– involved with."
Having turned his back to her at this, Charles managed to successfully shove away any further hints of that indecent past of his. Though, leave it to Mrs. Butte's unorthodox replacement to continue to press the matter, unsatisfied with giving up.
"Did you not approve of the Masters of Harmony when I played them for the ladies?"
Dismissing the old quell of adoration that had risen within him at that particular chorus - Masters of Harmony had been around since the mid-80s and that particular performance of theirs in 1999 had caught his attention at the time.
Yet, those days of performing barbershop were long past him, having been wrapped up and set aside for more than twenty years. And while he may have once had a slight inclination of appreciation for the craft, he would not allow that inclination to utterly destroy his choral department. There would be no explosions of egos or demands to rise to be the very best, no wild machinations brought about by a desire to win everything.
Especially not when it only resulted in everything falling apart at the last minute.
So, perhaps there had been approval for Masters. Perhaps, it hadn't just been his personal rules that had stopped him from interrupting that video and stopping that inspiring arrangement in its tracks. Perhaps, it had been the recognition that'd come with hearing the piece as he stood right outside 403. Perhaps, it had been the fact that everyone in the room had carried that sense of absolute awe he himself had once held over the sound.
That didn't mean he was willing or able to admit as such.
"I'm not at all sure of what you mean."
It was a lie.
And he wasn't oblivious to the fact that she saw right through it.
But Charles felt a sense of great deal of gratuity that she didn't press the matter.
"Surely there's something you've come across, in your many years of choral expertise," He was blissfully ignorant to her acerbic tone because the only thing coming to mind was the taste of a memory long-since forgotten. "That didn't sound like a 'scandalous attempt at sound'?"
The choir director didn't want to do this. Not now, and not with this woman who was still very much a stranger. For all he knew, she was only interested in winning the prizes and parading about in a superficiality most unwelcomed.
For all he knew, she was absolutely indifferent to the craft itself.
"I'm afraid there's nothing I can recall, Ms. Hughes. Nothing at all."
Perhaps now she'd leave the matter well alone.
_._
Thursday, the 13th of February, 2020
12:40 p.m.
"You mean to tell me that you were never cross with me? That you didn't object to my bullying you around when it came to the choirs?" He stared at her in horror when as she spoke, not realizing that this was how she felt about the matter.
"I'd never put it like that, Elsie!"
"Then, how exactly would you put it, Charles?"
He'd really need to explain himself and fast, "Well…"
_._
Monday, the 10th of September, 2018
11:37 a.m.
"Mr. Carson, I do believe that there has to be something in the a cappella realm that would meet even your standards of repertoire."
They'd been basking in a silence he'd only just become comfortable with. But now, having been taken aback by the unexpected subject, Charles pushed down any feelings that came with thoughts of 'the a cappella realm' as quickly as he could and focused on deflecting.
"I'm afraid I still can think of nothing Mrs. Hughes."
An absolute lie, but if he was continually reminded of Grigg and the others when he thought of anything remotely related to a cappella, then how could he dare to subject his choirs to such a thing? No, the best thing would be to feign ignorance and carry on with the status quo. Mrs. Hughes would be leaving in less than fifteen weeks, after all. And when Mrs. Butte returned she would be quick to remind him how smart he'd been to avoid such a catastrophe.
"What if I find something within your own music library that could potentially meet such standards?"
Having taken a moment to pause in his administrative tasks, the man squarely met the pressing stare of his colleague without hesitation. It seemed she was quite determined, much to his irritation.
"If you can find even one piece in this library that even Mrs. Crawley would approve of, and have it approved by the end of this week, I will consider allowing you the opportunity to perform that song."
It would be impossible to convince Violet Crawley to agree to anything, let alone something as audacious as that. Thus, he had successfully put a stop to that ridiculous subject and they could now move on in life. Gregorian chants and the likes were one thing; what Mrs. Hughes had to have in mind was undoubtedly nothing of the kind.
"That's hardly a true consideration, let alone a fair guarantee, Mr. Carson."
So much for her letting the matter go.
"Nothing in life is fair or even a guarantee, Mrs. Hughes." Which was a statement he was content to stick by until he caught sight of those sudden slits of vexation that had once been her eyes. "Though, if Mrs. Crawley did approve, I'd also be willing to let you have free reign over selecting any other songs you'd like to incorporate.
It wouldn't hurt to at least give the woman the sense that she'd tried her very best.
And, this way, it'd only take her a few weeks to get over the matter instead of the entire semester –– a thought that did not need to ever be considered.
_._
Thursday, the 13th of February, 2020
12:41 p.m.
"Well," Charles repeated, faintly smiling despite the circumstances, "At the beginning of it all, I'd been bewildered, thrown off balance by the whole thing. And though I was desperate to avoid facing my past, having been terrified the moment you mentioned a cappella, none of that changed my thoughts about you."
"And just what were those thoughts at the time?"
The man almost chuckled before realizing that this was undoubtedly an unsuitable time to do so.
"Well?"
"My thoughts at the time had been something along the line of, 'My goodness, she's a force to be reckoned with. If she can show an appreciation for what we're doing here at Downton, I can only imagine what we could do these next thirteen weeks."
"Really?"
"Really. That, and I also realized that underestimating your tenacity would be making a grave error."
Her chuckles, reminiscent of an entirely different day, reverberated effortlessly 'round the courtyard, "Did you now?"
His eyes twinkled at this, the elaboration flowing much more now.
_._
Friday, the 28th of September, 2018 - 12:41 p.m.
So much for never considering any further a cappella efforts.
"Mrs. Hughes, I can assure you that I will drop by at some point in the future. I'm just not sure if my ears are quite up to the task just yet."
She was not doing this out of spite, the choir director did recognize that. He just couldn't help but wonder how and why this happened. How he'd wound up agreeing to this, how he'd allow himself to think that Elsie Hughes would've dropped the subject. And why, for that matter, did he have to be subjected to all of this shame after so many years?
Except, there wasn't as much shame this time around.
Not when she was there.
Oddly enough, there was something about her character, about the way that she was approaching this situation, that felt different enough for him to want to hand over some semblance of trust. Something was stirring within him, something that he couldn't quite classify just yet. But something was slowly wiping away those troubling memories of Grigg, and replacing them with recollections of banter in 402. Something was gradually brushing off his indignation over this issue being rehashed and substituting that indignation for a faint curiosity. There was now a crescendo of intrigue as to what the woman was going to attempt to pull off, a crescendo he found himself wanting to witness more of.
So, when William Mason later asked him why he wouldn't just give this new choir a listen... Charles may have officially taken the coward's way out but his heart had long since started to understand the truth.
And when their little a cappella bunch stood gathered at the start of their next rehearsal, he knew he was witnessing something quite different than what his past had been. He also realized he didn't have to battle against his colleague's efforts. For he was beginning to understand that her efforts, as unorthodox as they were, actually ran through the same veins of sound his did.
His just happened to include piano accompaniment.
_._
Thursday, the 13th of February, 2020
12:43 p.m.
"You see, Elsie, although I'd been afraid of facing it all again, I was beginning to understand just how much I could, how much I can, trust you."
She wasn't fully convinced, remembering fully well how much of a fight he'd put up at the time, "My, my. And just when did this understanding come?"
However, this was not an answer he was going to humour: "You know very well when it did."
_._
Wednesday, the 3rd of October, 2018
3:41 p.m.
"Dashing away with the smoothing iron,
She stole my heart away!"
Charles had never been so relieved to be wrong than in that moment. And when he'd finally realized that the song had come to an end, there was nothing that could possibly stop him from enthusiastically conveying his approval.
"Thank you, Mr. Carson," As she turned around to him, a blush dancing in her eyes while her demeanour radiated delight, he couldn't help the swell of appreciation that overcame him. It'd been years since he'd come across another musician who was genuinely interested in the choral craft to the extent wherein they'd orchestrate such efforts.
And, for that matter, he couldn't remember the last time he'd been this enchanted with the a cappella art-form. Edmund, his mentor, had always carried on with his own singing and coaching efforts over the years, true, always bent on inspiring others to keep on singing. But other than the occasional invitation to an event outside of Yorkshire, there'd been very little reason to even think about this genre - much to Charles' relief at the time.
Yet, now? Now that he stood in the face of a brilliant conductor and a rousing choir comprised of his own students?
"No, Mrs. Hughes," Charles proudly spoke the words with great pleasure, smiling more than he had in quite some time, "Thank you."
_._
Thursday, the 13th of February, 2020
12:46 p.m.
"Charles?"
The man blinked, having not realized how much those memories impacted him all this time. So much of their early working relationship had been shaped by his running away and trying to stop her efforts. Perhaps if he'd set aside his fears and learned to trust her much sooner, it might not have taken them six months to understand their feelings. Of course, yes, that entire situation was far more complicated than either of them had realized at the time. What with his personal ghosts of the a cappella past and her husband haunting many of her steps last fall, they hadn't been ready for the possibilities.
Still, things could have been different to say the least….
"Charles?" Elsie repeated, ensuring his attention with this particular attempt. Ghosts of the past and glorious memories may have been flitting around his mind for the last few minutes, but he couldn't remain stuck there. He needed to be with her right here and now.
"I'm here, love." He informed her, having managed to escape the path his thoughts had been wandering. "Was there anything else you wanted to know?"
"Well," She began to speak once more, "I suppose I've only one real question for you."
He nodded, "Go on."
"Well," This looked to be difficult for the woman to ask but she eventually ventured, "Charles, was there any part of your past you liked? Any part of your a cappella experiences you enjoyed before you met me?"
Elsie sounds unusually withdrawn with this inquiry, as though expecting to hear the worst. And, perhaps, seeing as how he has withheld this information from the very beginning, it's to be expected she feels such.
It all only pushes him to really think about the memories, to really scrounge through his habitual ponderings and scan past the typical thoughts. Yes, Grigg's antics throughout the competitions and the rehearsals had greatly irritated him at the time. And, yes, the other Charlies that'd been in the group are no longer a part of his social circle for good reason.
But, Edmund Purpoyle had been there, too. That whole fiasco –– that finale filled with egos and unnecessary success –– was how he had been able to get closer to his lifetime mentor, how he'd been able to reach Downton Academy in the end. Had Mr. Purpoyle not been around to help coach the Cheerful Charlies, it's quite possible Charles would have never gained the confidence to strive for a position at Downton. Hell, he might not have even thought he could go for a position like choir director. And while other paths may have satisfied him before, Charles couldn't help but find himself quite grateful he'd had a mentor who had pushed him beyond that.
However, Mr. Purpoyle was a mentor and a friend, not the a cappella genre itself. And, today, Charles doesn't feel that recalling a mentor is right for this conversation. While he has many fond memories involving the now deceased man, more of his recollections revolve around their conversations more so than their rehearsals.
Besides, now that he gives the matter more consideration, there are two specific memories coming to mind. Two very dear moments that he truly feels will convey the truth.
"Yes." Her gaze shoots upward toward him at this, surprise deeply etching itself into her skin - something that breaks his heart the more he takes in the sight. "Yes, there were two parts in particular I did rather like."
She doesn't dare to ask to know what's running through his mind, a fermata of hesitation rooting itself in her thoughts. But, after a few minutes of silence, Elsie can't help but wonder what could possibly be resurfacing for her fiancé.
"Do you feel comfortable sharing them?" It's neutrally asked, striving to remain impartial in light of this newfound trust he's bestowing. That neutrality burns more than a sore throat. But her hesitation to pry does, once again, make sense when he considers what's brought them to this. He can only imagine what she must feel about all of this, can only hope that her trust in him hasn't been diminished by his own mistakes.
"Well, this one's probably a bit of a cliché, but I really did like the first time we ever locked a chord properly." Charles watches as a guarded smile creeps back into her gaze without her knowing, the unwitting movement encouraging. "I'm fairly certain it was 'Lily Marlene' when we'd finally gotten a tag right. Finally locked the chords, matched the vowels, and performed.
"Even though it was quite a simple piece in the grand scheme of life, certainly nothing like what we perform at Downton today, there was something incredibly fulfilling about finally hearing it as it was meant to be. Of course, I couldn't hear the overtones we'd maintained. But Edmund would always swear it'd all proudly rung for the whole world to hear.
"And then there was the night of our first real competition," She inadvertently inches closer to him, the walls brought on by confused wariness slowly beginning to crumble, much to his relief. However, crumbling does not imply they're gone. And, in all honesty, now that he recalls this other particular memory, he just has to share it with her. "We hadn't gotten all that far in that one. Honestly, I think we placed seventeenth out of twenty-three," Charles chuckles at this, able to find the situation far more amusing than he might've back then, "But the afterglow party afterwards is what convinced me to keep trying."
Go on, he can hear her think, the woman already so taken with all of this that she doesn't want to interrupt. And in the courtyard, sitting here just the two of them, he feels safe enough to keep going.
"I'd been minding my own business, probably sulking more than anything, when Edmund had managed to rope me into joining a group singing pole-cats. I can't remember how exactly he'd done it, but there I was learning new - or, rather, classic - barbershop songs. Pieces like 'Let Me Call You Sweetheart' were, of course, hurled at me," She faintly snorts at this, the irony not escaping her, "But there was one in particular that had stolen my attention ever since. One that I'm grateful I never had to share with Charlie. Or anyone else, for that matter."
"Was it 'My Wild Irish Rose'?" Elsie dryly teases, very much suspecting that's not the answer. Unsurprisingly, Charles only gives her an unimpressed look for such playful cheek even as his eyes smile knowingly in response.
"Although I think those lyrics are a little too vulgar for my taste, even if it had been that, I'd have to change it to 'My Wild Scottish Rose' now." Then, blushing as he recalls a particular lyric that will definitely playfully haunt his thoughts until their wedding night, "But, no, it's not 'My Wild Irish Rose'."
"I see." Elsie finds a twinkle of mirth emerging within her at this suspense, waiting with bated breath to hear him speak of the piece in question. She does notice how taken he is with whatever he's recalling, that he does really seem to enjoy whatever's now coming to mind.
So, her initial guilt and pain about their first semester together fades a little. It's not entirely gone, but it's definitely not as burdening as it was a few minutes ago. And, now, the woman only finds herself practicing a curious patience as she silently observes her fiancé recall something else. The barbershop pole-cat that's secretly stolen his heart all this time is one she's ready to be as surprised as possible by.
Thankfully for Elsie's patience, Charles is all too pleased to inform her of this little secret sooner rather than later:
"Last night alone
On our way home,"
His timbre surprises her, tickles her deeply, the woman settling further into their bench and closing her eyes as she lets the sound wash over her. It isn't quite familiar just yet, and it's a bit of a stretch for his range, but he's only getting started and she loves the sentiment too much to complain. Furthermore, since she never thought he'd outright sing the pole-cat, what with their current occupation of the courtyard, it makes all of this indescribably touching.
"You turned and said to me,
'I love you so and I want to know,
What do you think about me?'"
Feeling a hand grasp hers, blue irises softly re-open and contently beam in response. By this point, it doesn't matter what this pole-cat turns out to be; the fact that he genuinely loves it and trusts her enough to share it is all that she cares about.
"Sweet and lovely,
That's what you are to me."
Elsie quietly gasps in recognition, all worries placed aside as she breathes in this particular piece. And with his hand still holding hers, the song swaying her further into a dreamy state of existence, she can't help but embrace the beautiful sentiment behind sharing this.
"Sugar and spice,
And everything nice,
You're all a girl should be."
She arches an eyebrow at the lyrics, softly snorting at the assessment. Yet she can't help but make a connection with the lyrics to this. After all, the past may exist in some capacity, whether that's in out-dated beliefs or memory, it's true. But letting it haunt them after all this time won't make a difference. They had made mistakes back then, both of them. And, those mistakes back then didn't mean this couldn't exist now.
"Soon we'll marry,
You'll be my blushing bride.
I will smile all the while
You're by my side."
Giving into a knowing beam at the unintentional accuracy of the lyrics, Elsie lets that accuracy carry her further into a serenity she rarely felt. And soon enough, the woman feels herself fall further and further into the song's enchanting spell as the man beside her begins to carry the last words into a spine-tingling ritardando.
"I will smile,"
Elsie continues to turn in his direction, looking far more content than she has in weeks as she drinks in the intimate nostalgia seeping through the words. Nostalgia for the song, nostalgia for them and their blessed mistakes, it all cascades into and throughout his tone.
And her trained ears catch every inch of it.
"All the while,"
Charles' voice intentionally swings and dips into every musical note at hand, briefly softening the lyrics with a soothing decrescendo before curling the blessed sentiments back into a tender mezzo-piano –– continuing to gently finish off the fond tag.
"You're by,"
A kiss is softly placed on her hand, the man far well-aware of the school setting to do much more.
"My,"
Or, at least, he might've stopped there once upon a time. This time, however, he finds he's beginning to feel indifferent to the school setting, caressing her cheek without a care in the world.
"Side."
Holding the note out much like the lead would've, Charles feels pleased to observe that this little recital has resulted in Elsie's ever-present tension giving way to something calmer. And finally closing the distance so as to kiss her –– needing her to know that he didn't blame her for anything, that he is and will always be thankful to have her in his life –– Charles closes his eyes and breathes in the delightful sensation of her lips brushing up against his.
Whatever else, they can share in this.
They can revel in their little sanctuary away from the world.
Now, he knows that this little moment doesn't mean that there'll be no further discussions on the matter. But, whatever Charlie Grigg tried to accomplish when he'd thrown that curve ball of a fact at them, it doesn't really matter. Because, as Charles Carson is reminded of this sweet February afternoon, his future wife's someone who's incredibly deserving of his trust. Someone he can genuinely trust to hear him out, to listen even if she's got her own opinions on the matter, someone who does respect not only him but also his thoughts, his fears, his dreams.
And that is as sweet and lovely as it can ever get.
_._
Author's Note: Hands down, that is my favorite pole-cat song to sing (though "Shine on Me" is certainly a close second!). And now that we made it through more of that arc, it's time to get back to wedding preparations among other things! This next update will be posted by this Friday, that I promise. And as always, have a lovely day!