When we pulled into the driveway, the first light of dawn was peeking through the trees. I had never seen LaPush like this; everything was grey and silent. I heard soft bird calls and the rumbling of the engine, but that was it. I pictured Jacob a few houses down sprawled out on his tiny bed, snoring and smiled a little to myself. Focus on the good.
Emily shut the car off and unlocked the front door, leading me inside. I went to sit on the sofa across from the kitchen and Emily reached into the fridge to grab something. She came over and sat down, handing me a bottle of water. "Drink this please. You're probably dehydrated." I didn't argue and sipped it slowly, enjoying the cool feeling in my throat. She waited for me to finish the whole bottle and then looked at me with a concerned expression.
"Ness, you don't- please don't feel pressured to talk to me, but I want to help. If I can," she began softly and I immediately leaned in to hug her. Emily was always so kind and considerate and her gentle nature was something I appreciated now more than ever.
I sat back and inhaled heavily before beginning, "I was out with my friends last night and we- well, we went to a club and we were drinking." I watched her face for a sign of anger or disapproval, but she kept calm and continued to listen intently. "I didn't drink a lot and I mostly stayed by Amber, but then she met this guy and really wanted to be alone. I didn't want to be rude or a bad friend, so when she asked if she could leave early with him, I said I was fine with it. She was my ride home, but I figured I could just take an Uber or call someone. I was on my way out when I caught his scent. He was a vampire I'd never met before and I couldn't fathom what he was doing in Forks of all places. I could tell he was perplexed by me since I was obviously not human or vampire and he just came over and started making small talk. He offered to talk somewhere quieter and get to know me better. I really thought he just wanted to hang out, so I left with him and god Em, I was so stupid." I cut off abruptly because I knew I couldn't control my voice anymore. I buried my face in her shoulder to hide the tears flowing down my cheeks.
Emily pulled me into her arms and held me tightly for a minute, but then she pulled my face back to look at her. "You need to listen to me, Renesmee." Her tone caught me off guard, it was tense and angry. I nodded and she continued, "You did nothing wrong here. You are not stupid. You are wonderful and none of this is your fault." Her eyes bore into mine, trying to convey the sincerity of her words but I couldn't handle it. I doubled over and cried harder. She didn't understand. I am a half-vampire for God's sake and it wasn't enough.
"Em, I tried." My voice was quivering and small and I hated how weak I sounded, but it was how I felt. "I tried to fight him and I-I wasn't strong enough." I felt a sob wrack my body then and she hugged me fiercely into her chest. I just let her rock me for a few minutes and whisper soothing words into my hair.
When the tears finally ceased, I was left with that empty feeling in my chest again and I ached for the part of me that was gone. I felt broken and helpless and scared because there was a numbness in the back of my mind that I couldn't decide if I preferred over the pain.
"Ness, I think a shower and a change of clothes might make you feel a little better. How does that sound?" I nodded and she stood up, pulling me with her. She led me to the bathroom and began arranging the soap, shampoo, and conditioner. I let her guide me around like a small child as she grabbed some spare clothes from the guest room and set them on the toilet.
She brushed the tears from my cheeks and gave my elbows a light squeeze. "One step at a time okay?" her confidence filled me up a little and I nodded, feigning my own.
"Now, I'll be in the kitchen making us some tea and Sam is dead to the world. Take your time and let me know if you need anything," she smiled warmly at me and kissed my forehead.
"Thanks Em," I wanted to say so much more but her smiled widened in understanding and she left. I slowly peeled off my remaining clothes and I couldn't help the gasp I released at the stranger staring back at me in the mirror.
When I was younger, Jake would tease me about how I never liked to color in the lines and how I would basically scribble on everything. That's what I looked like; the red, blue, green, purple, black streaks were scribbled all over my body with no mind to my outline. I tasted bile in noting how the most severe discoloration was on my chest and thighs.
The worst thing by far were the bites. Silvery white outlines firmly embedded along my forearm, my collarbone, my hip, everywhere. They vividly traced the path of my attacker and I winced as I poked the one on my forearm gently. The actual teeth marks glistened with residual venom and I knew I needed to wash them out or they would continue to sear away my skin.
I quickly turned away from my reflection and turned on the shower to a scalding temperature. Maybe I could burn it all off, I thought absently. Like shedding a layer of skin. My limbs started talking to me as I lifted my arms to lather shampoo in my hair and the scent enveloped me in a memory.
For just a moment, I was transported back to a better, simpler world. I was sitting on Jake's bed, wrapped in his comforter, relishing in how his scent made my head swim. I was leaning back against the towel over his pillow in a pair of his sweats. Normally, I would pack accordingly for a dip at the beach but this particular instance was not planned.
The echoes of my exhilarated cries and Jake's rumbling laugh as he threw me over his shoulder and ran into the ocean were still running through my mind. When my initial joy wore off, I told him he'd better start packing to go on the run. I had just went to the salon with Aunt Alice for highlights and her explicit instructions were to avoid the beach for at least three days. I laughed at the fear blooming in his eyes as he ran us back to his place and called Emily for some "fancy, girly shit" to preserve my hair.
She brought over some salon-grade, leave-in conditioner and Jake nearly shoved me into his shower. Once I lathered it in, I had to let it sit for 15 minutes before washing it out. So, I was sitting there waiting it out when he came back in. He stumbled a little because his hand was dramatically draped over his eyes. "Are you decent, Ness?" I laughed in response and he opened his eyes, hurrying over to join me.
I never got over the way his face lit up when he looked at me. I felt it in every part of my body. He eagerly wrapped his arms around me/the comforter cocoon already surrounding me. I quickly rolled away and shook off the comforter before returning to his body. My face heated a little at the flimsy tank top I was wearing but his eyes were trained on my face and I shook off my stress. This was Jacob. My Jacob. I didn't need to be self-conscious with him.
He was situated sideways, looking down at me lying flat beside him and his eyebrow quirked upward. "I can't hold you with the comforter on too. You're a space heater, Jake." He seemed pleased at my response, craning his neck to lower his mouth against my forehead. I expected him to pull back after a second, but his hot lips stayed pressed there for awhile. I certainly wasn't complaining, even as he gently sat me up and shifted to sit behind me.
I didn't know what he was doing, but I didn't particularly care when my back met his warm chest. His fingers drifted upward into my hair, gently removing the hair tie keeping my bun in place. He tangled his hands in my hair, massaging my scalp softly.
My head lulled back at the sensation and I leaned more firmly into his chest. My heart thumped loudly and I felt his beating with the same fervor against my shoulder blade. I didn't pretend to be unaffected since he never seemed to care how utterly enthralled I was by him. In the safety of my own mind, I could daydream that he actually liked his effect on me. Especially when he practically panted against my neck like he was doing then.
A shiver rippled through me at the feel of his hot exhale on my neck. "I have to... have to wash this out now." My voice was uneven and he tightened his hold on me, sliding his hands to my shoulders and anchoring me to him.
"No," he growled playfully, squeezing my collarbone for emphasis. I knew he could probably feel the outline of my heart hammering against his palm. "You have a death wish," I panted, struggling to sit up in his arms.
"You don't want to go on the run from Alice with me?" He asked, wiggling his eyebrows. I laughed and almost painfully extracted myself from him, pushing off the bed. "Maybe tomorrow," I called back, slipping into the bathroom.
I didn't realize I was crying until the sobs started to wrack my body. Could I ever feel that way again? I ached for it to be so simple. I knew Jake would do whatever I needed to heal, but my knees quaked with the intensity of knowing he couldn't just put me back together this time.
We had been that way for awhile now and I think we were dancing around each other, waiting to see who finally confessed something more. I thought it would be awkward to fall in love with my best friend, but everything with Jake just felt instinctive and natural. So I stopped hiding my growing, not-so platonic affection for him and just embraced it. I used to dream about my first kiss, my first everything being with Jake and my knees nearly buckled knowing that hope was lost now.
I hurried through the rest of my shower, not wanting to be alone with my thoughts any longer. I was grateful for Emily's clothing choices, a thick pair of sweatpants and a soft, long-sleeved shirt. I didn't linger in front of the mirror, knowing there was no point. My exterior would be scarred with what happened for quite some time and there was nothing I could do to erase the remnants. My interior was a project I couldn't quite evaluate yet.
Emily was seated on the couch, sipping from a mug and watching some cooking show. I came and sat beside her, accepting the mug she handed me. The tea coated my throat in warmth and I drank it quickly, enjoying the burn against my tongue. I wanted to feel something besides mind-numbing dread and at least it offered a momentary distraction.
I didn't remember drifting off, but I knew as soon as I opened my eyes that I'd been sleeping for awhile. The spot next to me was vacant, but I heard Emily bustling around in the kitchen. Sam's voice also emerged and he sounded extremely stressed.
"Em, I get it. I just... you don't understand. It's not something I can just block out." He was arguing fervently and I felt a wave of nausea, realizing what they were discussing.
"You will block it out," Emily responded fiercely and I heard him groan in frustration.
"I share a headspace with him and he's my goddamn Alpha." Sam's tone was desperate and pleading, and I knew he wouldn't be able to hide it from Jake for long.
Emily came back in then and I knew my expression was too affected to feign sleep at that point. She gave me a pained smile and gathered me up in her arms.
"Everything will work itself out, Ness." I couldn't fathom the resolve in her voice and my next thought brought tears brimming in my eyes.
"It won't- I mean- what will Jake even-" she cut me off with a stern look.
"This isn't about Jacob. This is about you, Renesmee."
I flinched at the sudden cacophony of bangs outside and Emily brushed my cheek in a soothing gesture, grumbling softly, "Dammit." I recognized the noises as the slam of car doors, as all of the pack members barreled in through the front door. There were ten total now (counting Jacob & Quil, who were both mysteriously absent) and they all stood in their half-naked glory, not-so-patiently waiting for Emily to feed them.
Based on her expression, she had completely forgotten about her Sunday breakfast duties. My face heated in shame, knowing how preoccupied she must have been with me to forget the weekly ritual they'd had since before I was born. She immediately jumped up and ran to the kitchen to start cooking and everyone settled in around the living room seating. Colin and Brady, the youngest wolves to date, stood almost out of place near the corner of the room. They had yet to fully assimilate to pack life and truly feel at home here, but I knew this place and the people in it would wear them down eventually.
Paul was gesturing animatedly to Jared and cursing under his breath as he regaled an apparent fight with Rachel earlier this morning. He was waving his hands frantically at his sides to convey his exasperation, "How the hell was I supposed to know she doesn't like mangoes anymore? She fucking loved 'em last week! I had to buy a bushel- do you know they sell mangoes in bushels, Jared? And now, because I didn't know she stopped liking mangoes, 'I don't know her anymore and we've grown apart.' These goddamn hormones man, I'm telling you right now that I won't survive another five months..."
Jared held out his arms, palms up in a placating gesture and I fought off my impending giggles. I knew how much Paul loved Rachel and he was as sweet as pie to her face, but we all saw how he was grappling with the uncharted territory of pregnancy hormones.
I shifted my attention to Leah's rigid frame as she appeared to be engaged in a stare-down with Embry. His expression was much more playful than her severe one and I was floored when he winked at her. She growled quietly and it only seemed to improve his mood. Seth was watching them now too, apparently deeming this interaction much more interesting than the cell phone he was previously texting on.
"What's with you two?" Seth asked, his eyebrows knitting together. Embry grinned and Leah scowled, but neither said a word. The tense moment was interrupted by Jacob's arrival.
He walked into the living room with a goofy smile and the proclamation: "I brought muffins." Everyone simultaneously jumped up and headed to the kitchen, but I held off, staring at him and his happy, carefree expression. I willed myself to be a good actress and not disrupt it.
Not trusting myself to be in close proximity to Jake without giving something away, I wedged between Paul and Leah at the counter and bit into a chocolate chip muffin. Jake was eyeing me curiously from across the room but didn't ask, sitting next to Seth and devouring four muffins in four minutes.
I saw Paul glance possessively at the last chocolate chip one in the middle of the counter. I didn't really want it but when our eyes met, I knew I'd been challenged and swiped for it anyway. He jabbed me in the side playfully but I couldn't suppress the pained yelp I let out. He froze, clearly horrified and Jake jumped up snarling. He had a wild angry look in his eyes as he rushed over to me.
"I didn't- I mean I barely- Ness, I'm sorry." He was frantically apologizing, whether out of unnecessary remorse or fear of Jacob I couldn't tell. I shook my head dismissively, "It's not your fault. I just- uh- fell last night and I'm still pretty sore."
I could feel everyone's eyes on me and the burn of the poorly construed lie on my cheeks. Jake was less than a foot from me now and he tilted his head in suspicion, his dark eyes imploring mine, "You fell?"
I knew everyone was waiting for my response. I knew I looked guilty as sin staring up at him but I was trapped in his gaze unable to speak a word. It was too soon; I wanted more time before it all came out. And yet here I was, on the precipice of before and after. I knew once I gave in, nothing would ever be the same. Maybe that monumental shift had truly occurred when it actually happened last night, but it never felt more real or more earth-shattering than here in this moment with Jacob's wondering, worrying eyes on mine. No, the climatic moment did not happen last night but it was about to.