PART ONE: ANACHRONISM

Chapter XLVIII: The Girl Who Cannot Die

I was sitting on the gym mat with my too-short hobbit dress fanned out around me and my legs sprawled out in the most unladylike fashion. There was a heavy thud as someone dropped their weights on the floor. A woman screamed. Everyone had stopped their workouts and were staring at me with wide eyes. Damn it, the Skip had done it again.

"Hi," I said, waving nervously.

"It's her!" someone yelled. "It's the vanishing girl!"

I spun around to see Trainer Mike in the far corner of the room. His face was pure white, and his whole body was shaking. He was pointing me out the two cops that stood beside him. The officers stared at me, their brows knitted together in confusion.

"It's, um, not what it seems," I said, getting to my feet and brushing some dirt off my dress. I must have looked disheveled from all the clumsy dancing and running away from ringwraiths.

"Not what it seems?" asked one of the cops.

"It's just one big misunderstanding," I said.

"I'm not insane!" cried Trainer Mike. "She's even changed clothes!" He caught sight of the cops' expressions. "Don't you dare tell them that I'm insane!"

"You're not insane," I said quickly. "You're a great guy, Trainer Mike. A great guy—if not a little over enthusiastic about everything. You're normal. It's just me who's abnormal. You see…" I hesitated. "I am a witch."

Dead silence filled the room.

"Bullshit," said one of the cops.

I scratched the back of my head and grinned. "I can apparate. Only I'm fairly new at this whole apparating thing, so I can't always control when I disappear and reappear. Don't worry. Calm down. It's nothing out of the ordinary. Just keep going about your business and we'll keep this between ourselves."

"What is she talking about?" asked one short, muscular man who was standing on a treadmill.

"Haven't you ever seen Harry Potter?" I cried.

They were all staring at me.

"Yeah…" I inched towards the door. "I'm just going to go now." A little closer. "It was nice meeting you all." I turned and fled.

Nick paused dramatically. "…and then he said, 'That's not a hedgehog!'"

I choked on my coffee. Bonnie slammed the palm of her hand repeatedly on the countertop, trembling with mad laughter. Karen laughed and shook her head.

"The waitress is here," said Nick as our laughter started to subside.

Twelve hours and a daytime nap after my Skip at the gym, I had gotten a call from Nick inviting me out for dinner. Half-asleep, I had agreed to come along, and now, the four of us were sitting in a booth at IHOP, and the waitress had just arrived with our meals. Nick and Karen sat on one side of the booth; Nick's right shoulder resting against the wall as he accepted his plate of chocolate waffles. Karen's meal hadn't come out yet and her arms were crossed as she watched the waitress impatiently. Bonnie was cheerfully cutting her banana caramel pancakes as the waitress departed to get Karen's meal.

I prodded my stuffed French toast. "It's not very stuffed."

"Eat your food and be quiet," said Bonnie. "You're ruining my happiness."

"But they said it was stuffed French toast," I whined. "Why is there not sweet cream filling oozing out of the sides of my French toast?"

"You're too picky about your breakfast foods," said Nick. "Just put it in your mouth and quit complaining."

"You put it in your mouth," I said.

Nick leaned over and shoved his fork into the triangular French toast. He picked it up and moved it to his plate. "Don't mind if I do."

"Thief!" I tried to stab his hand with my fork but he dodged.

"I'm just peacefully eating my pancakes," said Bonnie. "I have nothing to do with this."

"I just want my pancakes," said Karen. "Is it that hard to make traditional pancakes at IHOP? Do I have to have some crazy order with raspberries and strawberries and boysenberries for my food to come out on time?"

"You can have Ana's stuffed French toast if it makes you feel any better, honey," said Nick.

"If you dare eat any of my food, I will dish out your eyeballs with a spoon," I growled.

"So," said Nick, handing me back the stuffed French toast (though it was now disfigured thanks to the damage done by Nick's fork). "You drove Trainer Mike crazy."

"It wasn't on purpose!" I cried. "We were getting along so well—he was even helping me find my inner sanity—and then, Skip there Skip back, and he's freaking out about how I vanished into thin air."

"Is he okay?" asked Bonnie.

"I don't know… I hightailed it out of there before the police could question me any further. But I hope he's okay. He really is a nice guy."

"Did you really tell them that you're a witch?" asked Karen.

I nodded gloomily. "It was the best excuse I could think of at the time."

"You're losing your touch," said Bonnie.

"She has a touch?" asked Karen.

"One of Ana's few talents," said Nick. "She's very good at coming up with bullshit excuses on the spot."

I sighed. "Why don't we talk about something normal for once? Karen, how's life?"

She frowned. "Good?"

"Good to know. Anything interesting?"

"My food hasn't arrived yet."

"That's awful."

"Tell that to my stomach."

I had a hard time coming up with more questions. It seemed "normal" was becoming harder and harder for me with each passing day.

A dull silence settled over the table, interrupted only by the sound of Nick chomping on his waffles and Bonnie's fork scraping against her plate. Thankfully, the waitress arrived with Karen's pancakes. She accepted them with a sharp glare, and then, she settled down and began devouring her pancakes one large bite at a time.

"It's a shame what happened to Trainer Mike," said Bonnie. "It was good that you had started working out, but I guess now you can't ever go back there. He was cute, too, right? Guess no trainer-trainee romance for you.

I scowled at her. "You can't talk. We all know about your little Legomance going on."

"Legomance?" asked Karen.

"Legolas and I are purely friends," said Bonnie. "I really don't want to date someone who's thousands of yours older than me."

"She's just upset because it's one-sided," I told Karen.

"Yes," said Karen slowly. "But am I the only one who's confused by the name Legomance? Aren't Legos those toys kids play with?"

"Legolas and romance," I explained. "Legomance."

Nick raised his fork into the air and waved it around. "Am I the only one who wants to know about the Thornamance?"

"What are you talking about?" asked Karen.

"Ignore him," said Bonnie. "If he hasn't given you the Thornamance rant yet, then the better off you are."

"He's told me about his other ships," said Karen. "Spuffy, Skate, Harmony…"

"Has he made you read any of his favorite fanfictions yet?" asked Bonnie in a whisper.

"Thornamance," interrupted Nick, pointing his fork at me. "Taken from the words Thorna and romance. Thorna taken from the names Thorin and Ana. Meaning that I ship Ana and Thorin together so damn much."

I shoveled as much stuffed French toast in my mouth as I could. "Oh mfffook," I said through the food. "Thermmmff imf the stuffimmm."

"What?"

I swallowed. "I found the sweet cream stuffing."

"That's good to know," said Karen. "I was so worried for your stuffed French toast."

"Don't get off topic," said Nick. "We're talking about love. The ultimate love. Shared by Ana and Thorin. Their love surpasses all love. It is the ultimate love decided by the ultimate destiny. It is the most ultimate of all ultimates. So ultimate that the ultimatum itself must bow before such ultimateness. How can one compete with such ultimateness? The answer is simple—one cannot! It is too ultimate. That is how ultimate the ultimate love between Ana and Thorin is—ultimate!"

I stared at Nick.

"All right," I said. "That's it, I'm leaving."

I stood up and started to move out of the booth.

"Wait!" cried Nick. "You can't leave yet! I still have to convince you of your ultimate love!"

"Nope, I'm leaving right now." I was practically crawling over Bonnie's lap, trying to escape from the booth.

"Ana—ultimate!"

Some little kid who was sitting on the other side of the room pointed at us and said in a high-pitched voice, "Look, Mommy! There are some clowns in IHOP."

His mother sent us an apologetic smile and whispered, "It's rude to point, and they aren't clowns."

When I was taking too long to get out of the booth, Bonnie elbowed me off her lap, and I landed face-first on the floor.

"Ow!" I sat up and rubbed my aching nose. "Was that really necessary?"

Nick cupped his hands around his mouth and whispered loudly. "The ultimate love."

I got up and started walking to the exit.

"Didn't we give you a ride here?" asked Karen.

"The ultimate love…" said Nick.

I glowered at him. "I'll walk."

"That's a long way…" said Karen.

"I'll give you a ride," said Bonnie, taking the final bite of her pancakes. "I need to go anyway. My parents are arriving at the airport soon, and I need to get gas before I pick them up."

"Aw, Kato and Caitlyn!" I cried, clapping my hands together. "Do I get to see them? We haven't had brunch in so long! I do miss them."

"Oh, I miss brunch with Kato and Caitlyn," said Nick. "Maybe we should call them up—"

"No way in hell," said Bonnie. "I'm not letting you two have brunch with my parents without me. Again."

"They're so precious," said Nick.

"Always wanting to feed us," I added, nodding.

"Are you coming or not?" asked Bonnie, getting up from her seat. "Because I can always leave you here with Nick and his ultimate pain-in-the-ass."

I took one look at Nick's maniacal grin and then cried, "I'm coming!"

We said our goodbyes to Nick and Karen before heading outside to Bonnie's Ram truck, AKA the Green Monster. I'm not kidding. It's a massive, dark green truck that she drives everywhere and, unless she parks perfectly, takes up two parking spaces. She bought it second-hand three years ago and still gets angry whenever anyone insults it.

Bonnie hopped into her truck and I followed suit. Only my hopping was a lot less graceful. The Green Monster is a good few feet off the ground, so in order to get in, I kind of lay on the seat and wriggled my way into the truck.

"You look like a dying fish," said Bonnie as I managed to settle into my seat.

"Just drive," I grumbled. "I want to get as far away from Nick and his ultimate love as fast as I can."

"Is it really such a big deal that he ships you with Thorin?" asked Bonnie. "We've put up with his shipping for so long. Remember when he shipped me with one of my professors? It was super awkward whenever I showed up for class and saw the guy."

"It's annoying," I said, folding my arms across the chest. "I just don't want to listen to it."

"True," said Bonnie. "Nick's so annoying, I'm amazed he's managed to have as many girlfriends as he has. Is there something he's not telling us?"

I snorted.

"So, besides screwing up your life and getting you fired, how's Middle Earth doing?" asked Bonnie.

"Well," I said, "last I saw, Frodo got stabbed by a ringwraith."

"Oh shit, is he okay?"

"He will be." I turned up the radio as a song I knew came on. "It's weird seeing events where I know that outcomes. I don't know whether I should tell people what happens or if I should just let the events unfold."

"Every time travel movie I've ever seen says don't do it."

"That's what I've been trying to do," I said. "But it's hard. Especially when you know people are going to get hurt…or die. Sometimes I feel like I'm an intruder in a virtual reality world where I can watch people and bond with them and watch them die, but it never really touches me, you know." I took a breath. "It hurts. It hurt a lot."

"I'm sorry."

We listened to the radio for a moment. Both of us lost in our own thoughts. I hadn't really talked about the pain of Skipping to Bonnie before, because I knew she liked traveling to Middle Earth so much, but I think Skipping to Rohan's mourning celebration had changed her perspective. She had seen the aftermath of the battle, she had heard of Dorthin's death, she had seen Pippin screaming as he clutched the Palantír. It seemed to have become less of a fantasy adventure for her and more of a serious world with serious problems.

"I hope Legolas makes it through okay," murmured Bonnie. She glanced at me and added, "And not because I want a Legomance with him."

I groaned. "If Nick keeps talking about shipping Thorna, I'm changing my name to Ebony and moving to Washington."

"You do you." Bonnie pulled out of the parking lot and onto the main street. "Let me know if you see a Shell gas station."

"Shell?"

"It's the best. You should always buy gas at Shell."

I snorted. "You're just saying that because your dad is a Shell engineer."

"Minor details," said Bonnie, waving away my comment. "There one is."

I drummed my fingers on the car door and watched as a little silver car raced past us. The Green Monster slowed down as we approached a red light, and when the light turned green, Bonnie moved into the right lane. She pulled into the gas station, then next to a pump.

"So how's your love life?" I asked.

Bonnie laughed. "Disaster."

"When was your last boyfriend? Was it Mitch or Jaime?"

"Mitch," said Bonnie, opening the car door and hopping out. "That was two years ago."

"Oh."

"It's the red hair," said Bonnie as she put the truck in park. "Guys take one look at the hair and are like, ginger is sexy, but then they realize I have no soul and run in the opposite direction."

"I blame genetics," I said. "Your red hair, my height, Nick's weirdness... it's all genetics."

"But Nick got the good end of the gene spectrum."

We both paused to contemplate the unfairness of that.

Rather than wait in the truck, I got out with her and stood next to her at the gas pump. Bonnie leaned against the side of the Green Monster, looking rather bored with the whole thing. She was staring off into the distance, now saying a word. Perhaps she was remembering her relationship with Mitch. From what I remember, it had been a disaster. Rumors, gossip, and the internet kind of disaster.

I stood opposite her, hands thrust in the pockets of my black jacket. Silently, I cursed myself for bringing up her love life. It was better if she didn't have to remember that. I scuffed my foot against the ground and then grinned at her. "Did I ever tell you about Thoreandan the Man Who Gnawed Off A Dragon's Hand?"

Bonnie stared at me blankly.

"Yeah, Dorthin told me this story during a drinking party awhile back. So, there once was a time when the world—and by that, I mean Middle Earth—was filled with dragons. Over the years, they have been hunted to the point of near extinction, so that only fire-drakes like Smaug remain, but once, there was a time when dragons ruled the skies. And one day, a great dragon—by the name of Findecano, at least, I'm pretty sure that was the name. It might have been Findell or Finderfan or Jeffry. I don't remember. But we're going to call him Findecano, because it's an awesome name. So, where was I? Oh yeah, so Findecano decided to head south and settle in Rohan—though this was before Rohan was even called Rohan. At the time, Rohan was simply grasslands with scattered, wild clans. Anyway, Findecano was the plague of the lands. He burned crops, ate villagers, and destroyed the lands. Armies marched against him, but he obliterated them all."

"Sounds dreadful," said Bonnie.

"I know, right? Finally, one of the chieftains decides to send his son, Thoreandan. And Prince Thoreandan has more sense than all these armies and all these intelligent generals. Prince Thoreandan decides to sneak up on Findecano while the dragon was still sleeping. And then, when he gets close enough to the sleeping dragon—Thoreandan gnaws the dragon's hand off. And when he woke up, Findecano was in so much pain that he howled and moaned and flew away in terror of the wild, dragon-eating man. So, the dragon fled and Rohan-that-was-not-yet-Rohan was saved—all thanks to the future chieftain, Thoeandan."

Bonnie stared at me. The pump clicked off, but she made no move to take it out. She only stared at me. Finally, she said, "That was stupid. Even stupider than Nick's fanfictions."

"I know, right!" I grinned. "I told Dorthin the same thing when he first told me the story—though he told it better."

Bonnie rolled her eyes and pulled the pump out of the car. She glanced in the direction of the gas station store and asked, "Do you want to get coffee?"

"Always," I said. "But don't you think it's weird? How can he gnaw of a dragon's hand? Have you ever seen a dragon?"

Bonnie shook her head. She, thankfully, did not say "No, normal person has seen a dragon, Ana," though I could tell she was thinking it.

"Well, I have. Smaug's hands are frigging huge. It would take a year to gnaw that thing off. And, let's be honest, would a dragon really sleep through you gnawing his hand off? Once you got through the thick layer of scales and actually reached the flesh, if your teeth weren't already ruined, I'm pretty sure the dragon would feel you try to gnaw his hand off. Plus, how are you going to chew the bone? Ew. That's just nasty. You'd be sitting there for well over a year, covered in blood with ruined teeth trying to gnaw of the hand of an already comatose dragon. What. The. Frig."

A man wearing a baseball cap gave me an odd look as he walked by. I smiled and waved.

Bonnie locked the Green Monster and headed for the store. I followed her, still rambling about Thoreandan and Findecano. Bonnie did what she did best and ignored me.

The bell tinkled as we stepped inside the gas station. The shopkeeper greeted us with a warm smile.

The store was reasonably empty. A chubby, middle-aged woman in a blue dress stood by the fridge, considering the drink options. The man in the baseball cap was examining the gum selection by the counter. Two teenage girls were giggling by the Icee machines. A young man in a business suit was chatting with the shopkeeper. And that was it.

Bonnie and I headed straight to the coffee machines. I picked out the biggest cup and pressed the button for black coffee.

"Because we didn't drink enough coffee at IHOP," muttered Bonnie.

"You suggested it." I grinned at her as milky brown coffee poured into my Styrofoam cup. "I wonder how Nick and Karen are enjoying their date."

"They're probably making out in the booth." Bonnie shook her head and put her cup under the mocha tap. "Those poor little kids. They're going to choke on their pancakes watching Nick shove his tongue down Karen's throat."

I saw on the scowl on Bonnie's face and said, "Someone's in a grumpy mood. I thought you liked Karen."

"I do," said Bonnie. "Nick has found a surprisingly good one."

"Way better than Joanna."

"Going to goblin town was a life changing experience for him."

"He had an epiphany while being locked in a cage and forced to entertain goblins."

Bonnie rolled her eyes. "Hallelujah."

And then the gun went off.

I hadn't been expecting it. I didn't even know what the sound was at first. Just—bang—and then something shattered. At first, I thought some idiot had sent off a firecracker in the story. The woman by the fridge screamed and dropped to the floor. The teenage girls shrieked. Bonnie clutched my arm, while I looked around blankly, searching for the firecracker. The teenage girls reached for their cellphones, but the man in the baseball cap pointed his gun at them.

By the way, guns are these metal weapons that you point at people and pull a trigger and it can be used to hurt them. I almost forgot that you don't have them here. Good. Don't get them.

Anyway, I was frozen in place, watching as the man aimed his gun at the two teenage girls.

"Drop the phones," he said, his voice trembling only a little. "Or I'll blow your heads off."

One of the girls threw her cellphone across the floor and buried her face in her hands. "Please don't kill me."

"I just want the money," said the man. He spun around and pointed his gun at the businessman. "Get down on the floor. Put your hands on your head and get down on the floor!" His voice was growing higher in pitch with each word.

The businessman paled. His legs were shaking violently, knees knocking together, as he sunk to the ground.

"You too." The man in the baseball cap pointed the gun at Bonnie and me.

Bonnie didn't hesitate to obey. I, on the other hand, didn't move. He was scrawny, the man in the baseball cap. If he didn't have the gun, he wouldn't have been threatening at all. Even I could have beat him up. And, as you would say, that is impressive. The man was blond, strands of his straw-like hair protruding from underneath his baseball cap. He had brown eyes, a round face, and some stubble on his chin. He was jittery. Every time he moved, I thought he was going to snap, like a taught wire that had been cut. He would lash out—guns ablaze and set the whole room on fire.

Oddly enough, I wasn't afraid.

I know what you're thinking. I should have been terrified. The man was pointing a gun at me. Something like that should terrify a coward like me. But I was fine. The man was not fine. He was shaking and trembling and quivering and he was obviously at the end of his rope. He really was ready to go off at any second. But I wasn't afraid. No, I was angry.

"Who do you think I am?" I asked. Red hot rage filled my vision, and all I could feel was frustration and anger at the ridiculousness of this situation.

The man blinked. "W-what?"

"Who do you think I am? Do you think I have time for your bullshit? I get enough of this in Middle Earth, and I really don't need it here. Do you know what it's like to be chased by orcs and balrogs and nazgûl and horses and elves and spiders? It's not fun. I have enough life-threatening experiences to last me a lifetime. I don't need you to pull out a gun, wave it around, and start threatening everyone's lives—all because you want a little money. So you'd better put that thing away, turn around, and walk right back before you came from before I go all Senturiel on your ass."

Dead silence filled the gas station.

No one knew whether to cry or laugh or scream or just plain shoot me.

The silence went on for a good minute until, finally, Bonnie managed to work up the strength to croak, "Ana, stop."

A smart person would've listened to her, but I wasn't smart. I was angry. Because no one—no one—should be this unlucky. Middle Earth was supposed to be dangerous. Ohio was supposed to be my relaxing time, the time where adventures and chaos were put on hold and I acted like a normal human being. It was not normal to have a gun pointed at me in a gas station.

"I don't want to deal with this," I said. "I do not need this frigging wannabe thief coming in and threatening me. If he's supposed to be scary—then he needs to stop shaking the whole time!"

"Ana," hissed Bonnie.

The man gripped his gun and pointed it directly at my head. His green eyes flashed with some newfound, twisted rage that hadn't been there before. He was still trembling, but it was less trembling out of fear and more trembling out of raw energy and hatred. "Say that one more time."

"What are you going to do?" I asked. "Shoot me? Kill me?" I laughed. "Good luck."

I don't really remember what happened next. There was a bang, the sound of a gunshot. There were sirens in the background. Bonnie screamed. Red and blue lights flashed. My chest was red. And sticky. I thought it was blood. Yeah. There was blood spilling out of my chest. I remember that. Lots of blood. It didn't hurt. At first. The world just kind of went all hazy. The man in the baseball cap was crying. I think he was crying. Maybe he was laughing. Or maybe I was laughing. There was blood. I was laughing. Lots of blood.

"Oh." The blood dripped onto the white tile floor. "This doesn't usually happen."

I Skipped.