Chapter 4: The most reluctant of wives

She closed the door behind herself with a soft thud but remained with her back leaning against it and closed her eyes. She felt like a fool for barging in when he had a guest. Perhaps he had not even had time to explain to the visitor that he was a married man now, and then she appeared from nowhere and they had stared at her like she was some freak. It was understandable if it would make him annoyed, and so she had left without saying anything about who she was. She waited a few moments, part of her hoping he would come after her to introduce her properly, but she heard no movement indicating that he would on the other side of the closed door. Suddenly she sharpened her ears, when she noticed that she could actually hear what the men said, Sidney's deep timbre and the other man's slightly higher pitched voice.

"Shut up, you do not know what you are talking about. I can assure you she is nothing to me."

"Have you consummated the marriage?"

"No! I wouldn't make her do that. I want nothing of the sort from her."

With heart pounding, she left and ran back to her own room. She had heard quite enough and did not want to keep eavesdropping to a conversation which was clearly not intended for her ears. Strangely, she found his words hurtful when they ought to bring her nothing but relief. She did not understand why the confirmation that he did not care for her physically was upsetting, when the last thing she wanted was that he would find her attractive and claim what now was lawfully his. Perhaps his words simply played on the strings of her female vanity; she did not appreciate him thinking her too plain to desire, even if she was grateful for not having to fend him off. It was a contradiction, but there it was.

She had sought him out to apologize for words said last evening, words which had been harsh and unfair and which she regretted when morning came. Now, when she had to postpone the apology, she was not sure she would muster the courage it took again, especially as he made it so blatantly clear that he cared nothing for her.

-o-

On the way back from Gretna Green, they had paused for the night at an inn and she had been relieved when he without hesitation got them separate rooms and politely bid her goodnight after dinner. Tense and fearful she still remained awake for some time, waiting for a knock on the door and a demand to come inside, but none came. It seemed like he intended to stay true to his promise, at least for now. She did not trust him fully yet but was able to relax a little and slept better than she had ever since she realised there was no governess position awaiting her.

They had continued next morning and eventually arrived in London. The carriage took them through streets quite different to the ones she had caught a glimpse of on her way to and from the brothel. Wide streets bordered by posh houses and green parks and finally they driver stopped in front of one of the most beautiful houses she had seen; a big one surrounded by a well-kept garden behind fence and gates.

She turned to him in surprise. She had realised he was wealthier than her family, but this.

"Is this your home?"

The corners of his mouth tugged upwards in amusement.

"It is our home, Mrs. Parker. From now on you are the mistress of this house."

"I do not know how to be mistress of such a house!"
"Are you not a gentleman's daughter?"

"Well, yes, but I never expected…"

"Do you like it?"

"Of course, I do."

Who in their right mind would not like such a house?

"Then I am sure that it will all be very well. Let us go inside."

As soon as they were indoors, he told the housekeeper to summon the other servants and when they all were gathered he introduced Charlotte to them.

"I want to meet my wife, Mrs. Parker. She is now the mistress of this house and you will treat her as such."

If they were surprised, they were skilled at hiding it. She was sure they must think there was something fishy with such a hasty marriage, but all they did was greet her welcome with bows and curtseys. Sidney sent the housekeeper off to have a room arranged for her, then turned to her with a smile.

"Can I offer you a guided tour?"

She was exhausted after the long journey, the last days unexpected events and the fear she had felt, but she was also curious, and he looked so expectant that she did not have the heart to tell him she would rather rest.

The house never seemed to end. When she felt overwhelmed by all the floors, rooms and carpeted hallways, he finally opened the door to a room she immediately liked best of all. Sun flooded through high windows and a big vase of fresh flowers was placed on a sideboard. There was a bed, so apparently it was intended as a bedroom.

He looked intently at her, as if to see her reaction.

"This will be your room. I mean, all rooms are yours, but this will be your bedroom."

It would be the first time she had a room of her own, unless…

"And where will you sleep?"

"Not here, if that is what worries you", he answered with a tight smile. "Behind that door."

He nodded towards a door which did not face the corridor they just came from but lead into the next room.

"So, there is a door between our bedrooms?"

Her mouth got dry with nervousness.

"Yes. Anything else would be perceived as strange by the servants. It is common that husbands and wives have separate chambers, but they are usually expected to share bed every now and then." He held up his hand to silence her before she said anything. "I do not expect that, but I want us to keep up the façade towards the servants. It will not be difficult, they would not expect us to act affectionate in their presence anyway."

"So, we do not have to…?"

"We will not share bed, neither will you need to kiss me for the benefit of the servants."

She exhaled but glanced at the shared door which still made her feel nervous. It seemed like he understood, because he grasped her hand and led her over to the door and opened it. She caught a glimpse of the bigger bed which was his, but he did not show her inside. He simply reached for a key which sat in the lock on the other side, then closed the door and handed her the key.

"Now please lock the door."

She turned they key and heard the comforting click. He removed the key, took her hand again, put the key in her open palm and then closed her fingers around it. His eyes met hers.

"It is yours. Hide it. Do whatever you want with it. This door remains locked, unless you unlock it."

Her fisted hand with key inside, was enclosed by his two hands and she felt a heat spread from them and continue through her body.

"Thank you."

He dropped her hand, broke eye contact and looked around in the room, inspecting it with a critical eye.

"This has been a guest bedroom and you can change it as you like. Add a dressing table of course and if there is anything else you require to feel comfortable."

"Could I have a bookshelf?"

"A bookshelf?" He looked surprised and amused by the spontaneous request.

"I like to read. Very much." She looked at him slightly defiantly, well aware this interest was something most men would not appreciate in their wife.

"I will not put a bookshelf in your room…"

Her heart sank. How disappointing. What would she spend her days doing if she were not even allowed to read? She was very unskilled at embroidery and a poor sketcher. Her days had always been filled with tasks to make the estate go around; practical ones to help her mother, helping her father with the finances, joining her brothers hunting and riding and whatever spare time she had in the evening she had spent reading or playing cricket or boardgames. She had never been confined to more ladylike pastimes and she thought they seemed infinitely boring. What would she do with her life here in London where she did not know a soul except him?

"…but that is only because I have a quite extensive library downstairs. I didn't take you there because I didn't expect you would be interested, but you are more than welcome to use it and to add books to it as it pleases you. Will that do?"

"It will do very well."

She felt herself split up in a wide smile, which caused him to respond with the same. He was devastatingly handsome when he allowed himself not to be so serious.

She was not sure what she appreciated most, they key or the free access to books. Perhaps that both seemed to indicate that he respected her. Maybe living in this house could turn out quite nice after all.

During the days that followed, Charlotte tried to settle in, but it was hard. She did not see much of her husband, who often was away during the day attending to business she knew nothing of and did things he knew even less about in the evening. Perhaps he had dinner with friends, perhaps he sought the company of courtesans as he certainly did not make any advances towards her. In one way she was relieved that he left her to herself and the many books in the library, but she was also feeling lonely and bored. When she had lunch alone for the fifth day in a row, she decided to go for a walk in the afternoon. If she was lucky she might come across a nearby park or maybe some shops.

She informed Mrs. Huffington, the housekeeper that she intended to go out. This time the other woman could not hide her surprise.

"Should I call for the carriage, Mrs. Parker?"

"No, thank you. I need to stroll for a while, get some fresh air."

Huffington looked like she had objections to this but remained silent and Charlotte set off.

She did not have the intention to go far but realised after a while that she did not know the name of her own street. Many streets around here were confusingly similar to one another and she became increasingly uncertain of where she had come from. She found a beautiful park but could not relax there as she was no longer sure how to find her way back, it was a bit like walking around in a maze. Dusk was beginning to fall and after crossing a bridge over a narrow river, she found herself in an area of the city which seemed a bit rough. Charlotte felt a flash of panic at the idea that she might pass by the brothel or a similar establishment. Had not the street where it was located looked similar to this?

She did not hear a horse approaching until it was close to her and she caught a glimpse of it at the corner of her vision and startled turned around. Sidney Parker, dressed in leather breaches and waistcoat, black coat and top hat, agilely dismounted from the equally black horse. He looked very elegant and slightly dangerous dressed like this. His tense jaw indicated that he was not best pleased with her.

"Let us walk back home together, Mrs. Parker", was all he said in cool voice. She had a feeling he would have more to say when they were behind closed doors and her predictions turned out to be accurate. As they returned to the house and he had said some calming words to the anxious Mrs. Huffington, he nodded for her to join him in the parlour and closed the door behind them.

"A lady cannot simply go out walking on her own in London! You need to be in my company, or you need a chaperone. You going out alone is not comme-il-faut. I expected you to know better, Charlotte."

Even if she had been scared and therefore grateful when he showed up, his words lighted a defiant fire in her.

"I thought you said you cared little about people's gossip, that you were an outlier standing above such things, but that does apparently not apply to me now that I am your wife. You are afraid that my behaviour will reflect badly on you."

He looked quite upset now.

"Maybe I am, but worse than any gossip is that you put yourself in danger."

"What? By taking a walk in broad daylight? Nothing happened."
"It was not broad daylight anymore when I found you, was it? And it can be dangerous even in daytime if you happen to stray into the wrong streets, which you easily could as you don't know your way around here. Huffington told me you had been gone for many hours. Admit that you got lost. Did not your little adventure at the brothel teach you the lesson that there is a dark side to this city?"

"Yes, but I thought…"

"You shouldn't think so much! You should stay here, read your books and do whatever other ladies do."

"I feel like a prisoner in a very lonely prison cell! I'm used to being outdoors, used to be active, go for walks, to do manual labour even. I feel totally useless. I don't know anyone here and I cannot spend all my hours reading."

"Yes, you can because it will keep you safe."

"But I am not made of porcelain!"

"No buts, I am your husband and I get to decide that", he cut her off brusquely.

She stared at him. She knew he did. Like any other husband he had the legal right to tell her what to do and not to do. It was better than being forced to be a courtesan, but only marginally.

"I already hate being your wife. I hate it! How am I supposed to stand a lifetime like this? I will wither away."

He had looked so furious then, with wild dark eyes and heaving chest. She had wanted to bang her fists against that same chest, hit him as hard as she could, but instead turned her back on him and left before he could say anything further, stormed off and hid in her room. She had not come down for dinner and he had not sent for her.

When she lay in her bed and her tears finally ceased, she was able to think clearer and admit to herself that he at least in part was right. She had been worried when she got lost today and she knew the city was not safe for a lady to walk around alone. She could also admit that her reaction had been a bit childish. He was in his right to worry when she disappeared for many hours, but did he have to be so authoritative? It triggered an anger in her she had not known she possessed. Even if she could accept that she too had been out of line, she also knew that she could not live like this. If she begged his forgiveness and asked him nicely, could he perhaps help her find a way which would be acceptable to him too? It was with that mission she had gone to the parlour this morning, found him busy with his friend and returned to her room with unfinished business.

Half an hour later there was a light knock on the door and when she said 'come in' he poked his head inside. The fury from last night was gone from his eyes too and he looked apologetic.

Almost hesitantly he came to sit in the second armchair by the window, close to her.

"You are reading?"
"Behaving as I have been told to by my husband."

She had not intended to sound so defiant again, but he let it pass.

"I came to say I am sorry."

She watched him, waiting for more.

"I apologise for not introducing you to Lord Babington before. I was caught off guard. I was just telling him about you and… anyway, I am sorry. I should have introduced you. I have no intention to hide you. I am proud to introduce you as my wife, even if you tend to put yourself in unfortunate situations which might compromise your reputation."

Apology and insult at once, she was not sure which to respond to be chose to be forgiving too.

"You are forgiven", she said, pursing her mouth and wondered why she felt a bit like crying.

He looked down on his hands.

"I also wanted to apologise for last night."

A weight fell off her chest.

"That was why I came to see you before", she said softly.

His head snapped up and the appreciative gleam in his eyes made her continue, swallowing her pride. "I spoke out of turn."

"No, I did." He admitted seriously. "I got worried when you were missing. For a moment I thought maybe Beacroft and his thugs had come across you and brought you back to that place. I know they have no reason to, and I know they know I would let hell break lose over them if they did, but I still had the notion. I got worried… and I am not used to that. I am only used to have myself to consider. I was so relieved when I found you unharmed, but it came out like anger. I should not have said some of the things I said."

"Neither should I."

'I hate being your wife.' The resentful words seemed to hover between them in the silence and she felt ashamed when he kept his eyes locked with hers, as if trying to find out if she really had meant it.

"I only wanted to go outside for a while, get some fresh air and sun. Sometimes I feel like cannot breathe in here."

"I understand that, so we need to find a solution. I will make sure that we introduce you to some other ladies, so you hopefully can make friends. Like Babington's fiancée Esther for example. Perhaps we can hire a suitable chaperone too. In the meantime, you will have to make do with me."
"With you?" she asked in genuine surprise.

"I realise I may have left you a bit much to yourself, which was not very kind of me when everything is new to you. I thought perhaps you appreciated being alone, but I understand now I may have been wrong? If you want to, I can go with you somewhere today. We need to take you to a dressmaker to have some new dresses tailored for you anyway."

She looked down on the light blue dress she was wearing. She had not though he noticed her dresses at all.

"You don't like my dresses?"

"I do, but they are not elegant enough for London society and as it turns out, I actually care what they say about my wife. I would not want people to say I cannot afford to dress her properly."

There was a mischievous glimmer in his eyes, and she realised he was teasing her because of what she had said before.

"And would you come with me to a dress fitting?"
"Why not? Is that not what husbands do with their wives?"

She blushed. There were certainly other things that came to mind as perhaps being more usual for husbands to do with their wives, but as those were things that were not to pass between them they were better left unspoken.

"I am not sure if that is one of the things that husbands commonly do with their wives, no. As far as I know my father has never accompanied my mother to a dress-fitting."

"But would you like me to?"

"I would like it very much."

"Good, it is decided then. Let us go after lunch."

He made a move as if to get up but then came to think of something and remained seated.

"Oh, that is true, I had something else I wanted to talk to you about."

His bashful expression triggered her curiosity.

"I got you something. I intended to give it to you last night, but then… well, I forgot it when you went missing and we quarrelled. Perhaps you can see it as a token for our truce?"

He reached for something in his pocket and held out his palm. There lay a ring. It was made of gold and adorned with thee flowers; two smaller ones made of the metal, framing the one larger in the centre, made of six pearls surrounding a diamond. It looked precious and very beautiful.

"Sidney!"

"You like it?" There was almost a hint of nervousness to his voice.

"I adore it, but it is a far too precious gift. After all…"
"After all, you are my wife and I would want you to have nothing less", he insisted firmly.

Gently he grasped her hand and slowly slid the ring on her finger, where it fit perfectly. Just like when he held her giving her they door key the other day, the warmth from his touch seemed to linger on her skin long after he had let go.

"Now no one but you and me will know this marriage is not for real", she said and smiled at him.

He cleared his throat and rose to his feet, his own smile fading but as she was watching the ring she did not see it.

"Quite so."

The strange thing was that a ring on her finger and having plans with her husband this afternoon, made it less surreal to her that she actually was Mrs. Parker. He was almost out the door already when she spoke again.

"Thank you. Not only for the ring. For everything. I was mean when I said that I hate being your wife. It was not my choice, but I do not hate it. Thank you for helping me."

He just gave her a curt nod, but as he left, the little smile returned to his face.